Gary Chapman's Blog, page 12

Successful Teammates Cooperate

The way a couple makes decisions can make or break a marriage. The husband-dictator style has destroyed the creative spirit of many wives. The mother-superior attitude has made children out of many husbands. Neither of these patterns is biblical, but many Christians have accepted them as normal. Marriage is meant to be two persons who are members of the same team. God is the coach, and the husband and wife are teammates. Successful teammates cooperate. “How can we help each other?” is the question asked by members of a winning team. The first step in making wise decisions is to see each other as friends to be helped, not enemies to be punished.

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Love Seeks the Well-Being of Another

Separation does not equal divorce. Sometimes separation is an act of love. Love says, “I love you too much to help you do wrong. I will not sit here and let you destroy yourself and me. Therefore, I’m moving out. If you want to make our lives better, then I am willing to go to counseling with you. But I won’t continue to be a part of your destructive behavior.” If this seems tough; it is. But, it’s also love. Love seeks the well being of another. In marriage, love is doing whatever is necessary to help your spouse break sinful patterns. When separation is viewed as an effort toward redemption, it is indeed, loving.

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Recently, I have had a great burden for Military marriage...

Recently, I have had a great burden for Military marriages. So often with long and frequent deployments, marriages suffer. My concern led me to publish a Military Edition of The Five Love Languages. It is designed to help couples stay emotionally connected while they are deployed. The book is filled with practical ways to speak the love languages long distance. One wife whose husband’s love language is physical touch shared this idea. “I traced my hand on a sheet of paper, and mailed it to my husband with this note: ‘Put your hand on my hand, I want to hold your

hand.’” The husband later told me, “When I put my hand on that paper, I felt her hand.” It was not literal touch, but it was emotional touch. And that was her objective.

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Thoughts on Independence Day

On this day we celebrate our Independence as a nation. Most Americans will agree that we are a divided nation. It is not as though we have not been here before. The Civil War found brother fighting against brother. Today, our weapons are not guns and cannons, but words and deeds that seek to destroy those who have a different opinion. Can we not love each other in our disagreements? Love is looking out for the interest of others; not trying to destroy those who disagree with us. As a nation, we desperately need to rediscover the power of love. For me, the answer is in turning to the One, who prayed for those who were killing Him. May God give us, the ability to demonstrate Christ-like love, even when we disagree.

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Sinful Behavior will Fracture a Marriage

When people disobey God, they hurt not only themselves, but others. In a marriage, sinful behavior will fracture the relationship. What are we to do when a spouse persists in destructive behavior? In Matthew chapter 18 Jesus teaches three levels of confrontation. Tell the spouse how their behavior is affecting you. Request change. If they don’t respond, then take someone with you and confront them again. If this does not produce repentance, then share the problem with church leadership. If the church leaders confront your spouse and there is still no turning around, then Jesus said, they are to be treated as an unbeliever, not as a brother. This calls for tough love, tough love is the only kind of love that some people understand.

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Fireworks in Your Marriage

Tomorrow is July the Fourth. The fireworks will fill the skies. But I want to ask you a question. Will there be any fireworks in your marriage? I’m not talking about arguments. I’m talking about romantic love. What many couples do not understand is that romantic love has two stages. The first, is the euphoric stage that we normally call “falling in love.” No effort is required. We are swept along by our emotions. But the second stage is ‘covenant love.’ It requires effort and information. We must first know how to express love in a way that will touch the heart of our spouse. Then we must choose to do it. I call it, learning to speak the ‘love language’ of your spouse. When you speak their love language – there will be fireworks in your marriage.

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Pray for Military Marriages

When is the last time you prayed for military marriages? These young men and women live under tremendous stress. One military wife said to me, “When my husband is deployed, and I hear a car door slam outside my house, I listen carefully to hear if a second car door slams. Because I know that if there has been a casualty there will be two people coming to my door to inform me.” Those of us who are civilians know little of that kind of stress. So, may I encourage you to pray for military marriages. Pray that God will protect them, but pray also that God will help them process the normal stresses of life that come with a military life-style.

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Love Must Confront

Some things are not acceptable in a Christian marriage. When physical abuse, sexual unfaithfulness, sexual abuse of children, alcoholism, or drug addiction persist in a marriage, it is time to take loving action. In fact, one is not loving when he or she accepts such behavior as a way of life. This behavior is destroying the individual and the marriage. Love must confront. In the Bible, confronting is always seen as redemptive. Jesus said that if someone sins against us, then we are to confront them. If they listen and repent, we are to forgive, and the relationship is healed. If they do not repent we are to take additional steps of tough love. The purpose is not revenge, but redemption. That’s tough love and that’s real love.

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Love is Firm and Tough

Love is not always meek and mild. Sometimes love is firm and tough, but it is no less love. Consider Jesus’ response to the money changers in the temple. They had turned from prayer to profit and Jesus did not sit idly by. When certain men turned religion into racketeering, He insisted that they leave the premises. Harsh actions? Yes. Loving? Yes. Jesus loved too much to do nothing in the face of corruption. Did these men later return and become men of prayer? We don’t know. That certainly would have been the desire of Jesus. His action revealed his love for them and His love for His Father. Sometimes, we too must show tough love.

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The Missing Ingredient – Love

You cannot have an intimate marriage without communication, for one simple reason: only you know you. The word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus meaning ‘inner’. Therefore, intimacy comes from sharing the ‘inner person’ – your thoughts, feelings, and desires. You are the only one who knows what is going on inside of you. If you choose to share your ‘inner self’ and your spouse chooses to listen, there can be understanding and empathy. If your spouse does the same and you listen, the two of you will have an intimate relationship. Talking and listening – it sounds so simple. Often the missing ingredient is love – the desire to help each other rather than get our own way.

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