Michael Y. Simon's Blog, page 3
July 28, 2012
Approximate Parent Book Giveaway Winners!
The books were mailed out bright and early Saturday, so winners should be receiving their copies this week. Thank you to everyone who participated and added the book to your "to read" shelf on Goodreads.
The Approximate Parent is an important and timely book on parenting adolescents, as one of the first books to be written about how to understand your specific teen's development, not about how to understand the mythical, "generic" adolescent. Ultimately, it's about making you the expert, not about making you dependent upon the expertise of the author.
Giveaway winners (and everyone else) are welcome and invited to leave reviews of the book as soon as they've recovered from reading about teenagers in America, and how to best work with their particular teen.
Approximate Parent Book Giveaway Winners!
The books were mailed out bright and early Saturday, so winners should be receiving their copies this week. Thank you to everyone who participated and added the book to your "to read" shelf on Goodreads.
The Approximate Parent is an important and timely book on parenting adolescents, as one of the first books to written about how to understand your specific teen's development, not about how to understand the mythical, "generic" adolescent. Ultimately, it's about making you the expert, not about making you dependent upon the expertise of the author.
Giveaway winners (and everyone else) are welcome and invited to leave reviews of the book as soon as they've recovered from reading about teenagers in America, and how to best work with their particular teen.
July 1, 2012
In Families With Teens, What Supports Healthy Outcomes?
by Michael Y. Simon, LMFT
July 1, 2012. The Search Institute just released their latest report entitled, “The American Family Assets Study”—an online-survey based examination of just what factors in American households support the health and well being of their children, age 10 to 15 [1]. So while this study was one of the most comprehensive of its kind, it still had a relatively narrow focus, looking only at a sample of those households with: a) online access and b) those that had a “parenting adult”—any adult who assumed responsibility for care of a child between the ages of 10 and 15.
A number of intriguing methods were used in the AFA assessment. First, the researchers were focused on broadening an examination a diversity of sources for family strength. To that end, they looked at the contributions of all adults who felt responsible for the well being of the pre-teen or teen—not just those adults who could be listed as “parent” in the U.S. Census. This reflects an important reality in American life, namely that our kids are raised not just by biological parents but by grandparents, adoptive and step parents, a variety of legal guardians and other families members like aunts, uncles and older siblings. All of these individuals can and do contribute to child rearing in America.
Second, the researchers were interested to look at some of the more intangible assets in the family, not just how much money or material advantages were present in the family system. The study utilized a Family Assets Index which considered five main ways in which families can be assessed for strength and resilience: 1. Nurturing relationships, 2. Establishing routines, 3. Maintaining expectations, 4. Adapting to challenges and 5. Connecting to community.
More specifically, the Index measured things like the quality of relationships (communication, affection, openness); the presence of routines and traditions; how expectations are set and defined (how openly can the “hard topics” be discussed, the use of rules and clear boundaries and expectations); how well the family adapted to challenges (use of problem-solving and decision-making techniques, as well as how daily commitments are handled and how adaptable family members are with managing these commitments) and; relationships with others in community and how well the neighborhood and close world of others either supported or enriched the life of the family.
Perhaps most important, the study acknowledged that strength- and asset-building in families doesn’t just move in one direction, from the adult to the child—youth are “active agents in the development of family well-being” or to paraphrase writer Peter De Vries, “children raise parents as much as parents raise children.”
What Are the Assets of American Families?
So, what did the survey have to tell us about how American families with young teens are faring? About fifty-six percent of the families scored “poor to fair” on the Family Assets Index, with thirty-four percent scoring “good” (thirty-nine percent) and eleven percent scoring “excellent.” Those figures don’t really tell us a story, though. It’s important to look at how the figures are derived to understand why the majority of American families are thought to be “poor to fair” in reaching the hoped-for combination of strengths and assets.
The study found that the most common asset in families had to do with the quality of relationships and setting of expectations within the family. Adults set and hold clear expectations for what they want their young teens to do in school and keep the important adults in their lives informed about who they were with and what they were doing. But American families’ least common asset involved deficits with the fourth and fifth assets: having dependability/follow-through in interactions, as well as clear boundaries and; close relationships with people in the surrounding community and cohesion and stability in the neighborhood. Surprisingly, only about one-quarter of youth surveyed said they felt close to peers and people in the neighborhood. Why surprising? Because many of the enthusiasts and champions of digital technology and social media hope that the opportunities for social connection afforded by the Internet and digital media will increase, rather than degrade the sense of connection to the world outside our doors. With most teens living online, the jury is still out on just what kind of difference this increased “connection” will make.
Agreement and Disagreement Among Teens and Caring Adults
Other highlights from the study including an expectable gap between parent and child perceptions. For example three-fourths of caretakers said they felt comfortable talking about the hard subjects like sex, drugs and alcohol and bullying but less than half of their children said they felt comfortable talking about these things. A significant gap also existed between adults’ feelings that the children had a say in important decisions and the young teens that felt that way.
What did parents and their young teens agree on? Most parenting adults and children alike agreed that it was tough to balance the expectations at home, school and work. And most parenting adults and children (about seventy-five percent) felt that they didn’t know from day to day what each other would do. It seems that while American families are consistently being busy, they are not necessarily busy being consistent.
What Increases or Decreases Assets in a Family?
Surely, as with most things in America, the more money, the more “intangible” assets the family will have, right? Not according to the FAS survey. The sheer quantity of assets in a family doesn’t significantly differ depending upon how educated the parent is or how much money the family has at its disposal. Many would argue that it must, then, be about having a two-parent, biological mother and father (heterosexual), non-immigrant household to provide the sense of cohesion and stability needed to increase the assets in the family. Not according to the FAS survey; gender, sexual orientation and biological status of the parenting adult played no significant role in determining the strengths of our families.
Consistent with other research, the study also showed that Black and Hispanic families show more assets than White, Asian or families of other races and ethnicities—primarily around connection to community. And families in urban areas (populations greater than 50,000 people) consistently show more assets in all categories than their suburban and rural peers.
As might be expected, families that had basic unmet needs like access to affordable and dependable transportation, health insurance, medical care, nutritious meals and safe housing reported fewer assets, across the board. It’s worth noting the primary role that lack of affordable health insurance plays in decreasing family assets.
Is there an age where the parenting gets easier (or harder)? Yes, according to the study, and this is confirmed by my own experience as a clinician. I write about this, too, in The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager [2]. From early adolescence to about 13 ½ is often associated with a steady decrease in family assets (and overall sense of family satisfaction). This generally begins to rebound as teens move from 13 to 15 years of age. This holds true for each of the five assets expect “Maintaining Expectations,” where things get harder as teens in the family get older. This, too, however, is a normal developmental trajectory as renegotiating expectations is often cited as one of the most difficult and conflict-prone areas of family life with teens.
So, What’s the Big Deal About Having Assets in the Family?
Well, the big deal seems to be that families with more assets are more likely to: a) Engage in health behaviors around sleep, exercise, eating and self-care; b) Have higher rates of youth academic achievement; c) have more empathy and act in socially responsible ways, serving the community and being more politically engaged. In other words, more assets equal more hope and engagement.
These are all things we’d hope to strengthen and support in all American families. And so a number of questions are raised by the AFA study and the assets approach to understanding family strength and resilience. First, it seems clear from the study that while parents are important, parenting is more the issue. Parents do not need to be any specific gender, race, sexual orientation or income level to play a key role in determining healthy outcomes in the family. Second, the results demonstrate a very complex interplay of factors involved in translating individual family strengths into family and community “successes” in the United States. For example, the study showed that it is not necessary to grow up in a two-parent, White, higher income family in order to have a family with higher assets and the demonstrated outcomes that go along with having higher assets. In fact, the study showed that urban, Black and Hispanic families had, in some cases, higher assets than their White or Asian counterparts. And if having access to affordable healthcare and health insurance plays an important role in positive family outcomes, then does that mean that simply increasing access for all Americans will positively impact the asset levels for all families currently non- or under-insured?
What seems clear to me is the difficulty in deriving any kind of formula from this or any study on just what makes a family strong and successful in America. For example, the AFA study may tell us that its important to have strong connections from the family to the wider community, but it doesn’t tell us that we have to live in an urban area to do that, only that there seems to be higher clustering of families with more assets in the urban area. The study may tell us that Black and Hispanic families have more assets, on average than their White or Asian counterparts, but it doesn’t mean you have to be Black or Asian to have strong family connections. What the study does remind us of is the main theme underlying The Approximate Parent.
The outcomes in a family are always going to be complexly determined by the interplay of genetic and environmental factors. And outcomes in a family are likely not going to be determined by any single cause, or for that matter, by the interplay of the same specific and identifiable causes within all families. One size will never fit all. Certain families can produce positive outcomes because of the unique ways in which the people in that family make use of their strengths and resources. Other families will “squander” their “objective” resources like money, access to healthcare and insurance and clear expectations for performance because of the manner in which those resources are accessed or implemented, for example, by a stressed-out, angry parent who doesn’t allow their precocious 14 ½ year-old to participate in any meaningful decision-making around how those assets get “tapped.”
What do you think this study helps to illuminate? What questions are you left with after reading this piece I’ve written? Does it help you to think about your own family in relation to the assets approach? It’s up to us as critical consumers not simply to accept the latest headlines (especially from research). We need to engage with that data–in the same ways we need to engage with the data generated by our own lives with our teens–to come to answers that work for our specific families.
About the Author
Michael Y. Simon, LMFT (Lic. Marriage and Family therapist, MFC38305) is a psychotherapist in private practice in Oakland, California, the founder of Practical Help for Parents and author of The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager (Fine Optics Press, 2012).
Notes
[1] Syvertsen, A. K., Roehlkepartain, E., & Scales, P. C. (2012). Key findings from The American Family Assets Study. Minneapolis, MN: Search Institute.
[2] Simon, M.Y. (2012). The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager. Oakland, CA: Fine Optics Press.
More Information
For more information about the study, visit:
www.search-institute.org/familyassets
For practical strategies for strengthening families and positive parenting, visit:
http://www.parentfurther.com/webinars/family-assets
June 27, 2012
Approximate Parent Giveaway on Goodreads!
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Goodreads Book Giveaway
The Approximate Parent
by Michael Y. Simon
Giveaway ends July 28, 2012.
See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.
June 19, 2012
Practical Help for Parents Newsletter–your summer newsletter is here!
“It’s summer! You’re not just going to sit around on the computer all day are you??” Sound familiar? Read more….
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Summer 2012, Vol. 5 (3)
The Practical Parent
For Parents, Educators and Mental Health Professionals Who Care About Teens
Does this sound familiar?: “One thing is for sure: you’re NOT going to sit around on the computer all summer long; you can get job, internship or volunteer, but I’m not putting up with you getting up at noon, being on the computer all day and then going out at night!”
Ahh, summer: what many of our teens wait for all year, and what many parents dread. What am I going to do with them? What are they going to do with themselves? If you don’t have a lot of money (or even if you do), it’s not necessarily an issue of “options,” but rather an issue of what feels like control. That’s not to say that figuring out what to do during the summer is happening for American parents outside of a specific economic context. That context, though, can be difficult to discern.
Why not just get a job and earn some extra money? That will teach my teen responsibility and she’ll still get to have some fun during the summer. And if you read the local press in most states, you’ll find plenty of stories of how “bright” the summer job market looks for teens this year. But if you look at the national press, you’ll see stories about how “dismal” that same job picture seems to be. A recent study by the employment firm Challenger, Gray and Christmas outlined a “slightly positive” outlook for teen summer jobs, for example, as compared to the summer of 2011. However, what does “slightly positive” mean when teen summer employment is at the lowest rate since the end of World War II (hovering around 30 percent for the last two years)? For that matter, what does it mean that there is a “slight rise” in consumer confidence or that “things are turning around” vis-a-vis the Recession? If you’re unemployed or underempoyed and you’ve lost 40 percent of your net worth–like most middle-class families in the country–it doesn’t mean much.
Your teen might tell you that “…he’s looked and can’t find anything.” Should you believe him? Well, it all depends on your teen. It’s true that the competition is enormous for summer jobs, as it is for jobs in most areas of the country. Your teen is up against older teens (with longer work histories), college students, college graduates (Bachelor’s, Master’s and Doctoral level), older workers who are still unemployed or underemployed and the rest of the millions of people looking for work. The current California seasonally-adjusted unemployment rate is around 11 percent. Employers often say that they’ll choose older workers who apply, given the choice, because they have more willingness to be flexible in their schedules, they need the work for their families and have more work experience and proven responsibility, in general. So, should you believe your teenager? Maybe. Probably. But “I can’t find a job” can also mean: “I’m discouraged, because I heard so much about the bad economy, that I didn’t look;” “I don’t really need a job, so why bother?” “I asked around and everyone said ‘no’”; “I applied to 3 places…so now what am I supposed to do?” or “Stop bugging me–you want me to get a job so bad and are bugging me so much about it, so I’m not inclined to want to look.” I could multiply examples easily and it’s important that you don’t automatically assume that you know what “I can’t get a job” actually means. It could mean all, none or many of these things. And after all, this isn’t something your teenager is skilled at; he or she is still a teenager. Would you like to have someone get angry and annoyed at you for something you haven’t actually learned how to do well yet? Probably, most of you have had that experience–as teenagers. It isn’t pleasant.
So, what should you do? Well, it’s like most things related to parenting: each opportunity, especially the opportunities that seem rife with conflict, are usually the most important opportunities to teach our teens something important about what we value. Adolescence is all about the development of your child’s identity and its transformation from a childhood identity into an identity rooted in the adult world. Your child’s entrance into puberty was the beginning of a series of tasks oriented toward the development of a unique identity—under the pressures of multiple and sometimes contradictory demands of society, family, school, friends, and the like. Erik Erikson called the particular developmental dilemma most associated with adolescence “ego identity formation versus role confusion.” In other words, if your adolescent son, for example, does not adequately negotiate the development of a stable and pro-social identity, he will experience role “diffusion”—problems with who he is and how he fits into the world (and what his adult roles are to be). But if he does successfully negotiate this developmental period, he “wins” a particular personal value or strength: fidelity. By “fidelity,” Erikson meant, in my understanding, the ability to see the world as it is—flawed and imperfect and full of setbacks and roadblocks—and to persevere, to commit, to stay engaged with the world of self and others, despite what a mess it is. He sees the good and bad in the world but still makes commitments and they are freely pledged with integrity, a sense of authorship and agency.
Your teenager– trying to negotiate the current job market–is a perfect example of a situation in which you can support his or her healthy identity development. What should you do when confronted with the mess made of the economy by adults? How many times should you talk to a potential employer before “perseverance” turns into “inappropriate annoyance”? How do you respond to your teen’s potential “lies” about how hard, how often or how pervasive their job search was? How will you negotiate with him or her the use of “free” time? What does “free time” even mean? How much will you step in and help them get a job? What are the effects of “doing it for them?” Do you believe that they have to “give back” or make some kind of pro-social use of their time off from school? Each one of these questions and the hundreds of other questions like them all point to opportunities for you to teach your teen something about your values, and help them to develop their own identity. Can you fill in (for yourself) the blank at the end of these statements: “I know it’s hard to find work, but …. ” or “I know you’ve looked a few times now and ….” If you fill in the blank with phrases like, “…if you don’t find something this week, I’m taking away your computer,” or “…you haven’t even looked at all and have no idea what hard work is….” then the chances of this opportunity for supporting perseverance in the face of imperfection get lost and just become a power struggle. What would you want someone to say to you if you were trying to do something that was a stretch for your abilities or experience? Thinking of the summer as a war between needs or a fight over control of your son or daughter’s behavior is the main reason why you’d dread the summer to begin with. What else could summer be, for you and your teenagers?
____________
If you’d like to hear Michael talk about parenting teens, please join us at the book launch for
The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager
7 p.m., Thursday, August 2, 2012
Books Inc., Berkeley
1760 Fourth Street
Reading, Q&A and author book signing
¨
Abour our Organization…
Founded by adolescent specialist Michael Y. Simon, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (Lic. MFC 38305), former high school counseling director, noted speaker/educator and psychotherapist in private practice, Practical Help for Parents provides real-life solutions as you parent, support and understand the teens and pre-teens in your life. PHFP offers informative, entertaining, research-based workshops for students and parents, keynotes and presentations to high school and middle school parents, 
teachers and administrators; access to online Practical Help Tips, articles and web resources; and program development and consultation to mental health professionals, policymakers and schools/school districts.
Suggested References for Parents
On IDENTITY and DEVELOPMENT
Bellah, R. N. Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life. New York: HarperCollins, 1986.
Erikson, E. H. Identity: Youth and Crisis. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1994.
Hinshaw, S., & Kranz, R. The Triple Bind: Saving Our Teenage Girls from Today’s Pressures. New York: Ballantine Books, 2009.
Lareau, A. Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race, and Family Life. Berkeley: University of California Press, 2003.
Levine, M. The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: HarperCollins, 2006.
Pope, D. Clark. Doing School: How We Are Creating a Generation of Stressed Out, Materialistic, and Miseducated Students. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2001.
Postman, N. The Disappearance of Childhood. New York: Vintage/Random House, 1994.
Simon, M. The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager. Oakland: Fine Optics Press, 2012.
Twenge, J. M. Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable Than Ever Before. New York: Free Press, 2007.
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. New York: Free Press, 2009
Ask Michael…
I overheard my son talking to a girl this weekend. She’s a really good volleyball player and received a college athletic scholarship to play volleyball in college. Anyway, I heard my son telling her that he was a star player on his volleyball team and that he was so good they asked him to be a mentor to the other players. It’s true that our son played volleyball and was sort of decent, but he never mentored anyone and wasn’t all that skilled. My wife said our son has made up stuff about himself before and also that his friends have asked her to verify things it turns out are untrue. He’s even acknowledged to my wife that he has a problem with lying. I get lying to us about homework, but it seems weird that he would tell a girl he’s interested in a bunch of bull that she could easily find out are lies. What do you think about this and should we do anything?
Kids lie to their parents about most important things (relationships/relationship status, accomplishments, where they are, when they’re coming home, homework being done or not, etc.). Many kids lie profusely and do so into their mid- to late-twenties, until they feel okay about an identity that they can actually represent honestly, because now it matches who they’ve become, not who they want to be. Many teens don’t even know why they lie so much, but they do it constantly and want to stop, but feel they just can’t.
As far as a boy lying to a girl about his abilities and accomplishments: I imagine one of the earliest conversations in history went something like, “Hey, Org, how was your day today?” “Excellent, I killed 14 Brontosauruses with one hand–all while standing on one foot, but it was nothing.” “Oh really, where is the kill?” ”Um, well, I felt it would be rubbing it in Erg’s face if I brought back such a large bounty, so I decided just to bring back this one bird, which you see in front of you.”
Anyway, I think exaggerating for a girl (or your guy friends) is commonplace…even if it’s a stupid, unnecessary or an easily verified lie. If you clearly overheard it (rather than were “spying” or eavesdropping on him), then it’s up to you if you want to say something. When you directly accuse a teen of lying, they’ll usually have to save face and lie about it the lie (or downplay it). You can ask him, “Hey, you know I was right next to you when you were talking to so-and-so on the phone and I heard you say xxxx.” I wondered why you felt like you couldn’t tell her what was true. Do you think she would only like you or be impressed if you exaggerated for her?” If you sneakily heard him lying, I wouldn’t say anything because you obtained that information “illegally” so to speak…and the main issue becomes the invasion of privacy, not the lying. If you were “spying on him” and confront him about a lie, then he’ll argue about you spying/eavesdropping and you’ll argue about the exaggeration/lying and you’ll both get nowhere fast.
He might say anything from “mind your own business” to saying nothing to all and leaving the room, to saying “I didn’t lie” or “I DID teach my teammates–you don’t know what you’re talking about” or “Ummmm” or a host of other things before he would say, “I don’t know why I exaggerated” or “Yes, I was worried since she is an athlete she’d only be impressed by someone who was super athletic, not just average.”
If he doesn’t leave or attack you, you have the chance to say, “Well, I know we’re you’re parents, but we love you with or without you being a fantastic volleyball player…and we’d hope you’d tell the truth most to the people you care about and want to care about you…it was hard for me to hear you lie or exaggerate. You’re okay how you are…not some exaggerated version of it.” You can also remind him that hes told you before that he thinks he has a problem with lying.
These should be short conversations and interventions…not lectures or long discussions, unless your son is the one talking, in which case, your job is to just listen, not talk much. That’s usually the most important thing. If you talk more than listen, your teen may stop telling you what’s really true for him—which is hard enough to do at any point in time for most teens.
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June 8, 2012
Huffington Post discusses The Approximate Parent with author Michael Simon
June 8, 2012–Huffington Post writer Annie Spiegelman discusses The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager and interview author Michael Simon to get his thoughts about teens. The full article can be found at the Parents Section of the Huffington Post.
June 6, 2012
Facebook Wants Your 9 Year-Old’s Attention—and Probably A Lot More
If you’re parenting a pre-teen or teen in 2012, there’s a pretty good chance your teenager is using Facebook. It’s in the top 3 websites most accessed in almost every developed country around the world. And if you’re a female in your 30s or 40s, there’s a very good chance you’re using Facebook, too—since that’s the largest demographic slice of the Facebook users pie. What Facebook wants from both age groups is the same, though: they want to know what you like and what you’re doing online.
Publications like the New York Times and Wall Street Journal recently reported that Facebook is testing a new system that would allow children under 13 to have a Facebook account. Many parents know that up until now, Facebook has had an ostensible age limit, not allowing users under 13 to sign up for an account. It’s not that Facebook gladly set this limit; they are regulated by the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act which closely controls the type of information that any website can collect from children under 13.
But if you’re a parent, you also likely know—or should know—that millions of children under 13 already have Facebook accounts, obtaining by simply lying on answers to questions about subscriber age/birthdates during the sign-up process. It’s not a few children we’re talking about; Consumer Reports says that 5 million kids under 10 have Facebook accounts and another 2.5 million are between 10 and 13 years of age. They’re kids—they know way more than you and I do about negotiating digital media.
If Facebook no longer officially restricts access to children under 13, it will completely change the privacy and marketing landscape of American youth culture; that’s for starters. The consumer market for under 13’s is so large and so powerful with you—the parent—that it wouldn’t be hard to imagine a closed-door deal struck between Facebook executives and the folks that recently took them public that as part of the company going public, Mr. Zuckerberg had to agree to lift the age restriction and open the floodgates to begin collecting private information on young children. And that’s why it’s time for parents, educators and mental health professionals to speak up.
Facebook, Google, and MySpace are powerful market research instruments, as are most of the instruments of “democratic youth culture”—the wider cultural context in which teen identities are forged. When your teen (or you) go on Facebook and talk about what you want and what you like, and you click that little thumbs-up sign, it enables corporations and market researchers to discover, reinforce, and persuade you to buy what they’re selling. The Wall Street Journal reported in early June, 2012 that “…[U]nder-13 features could enable Facebook and its partners to charge parents for games and other entertainment accessed by their children.”
Parents and teens are already plenty familiar with the “Facebook Wars” and how difficult it can be to pry your teen away from the site and its “always on” allure. While younger children are not often capable of the kind of media use persistence we see in adolescents, the sorts of battles over being on Facebook will most certainly hit parents of younger kids should the ban be lifted in an official capacity.
But let’s go back to the issue of privacy and marketing. Joseph Turow, author of The Daily You: How the New Advertising Industry Is Defining Your Identity and Your Worth, got my attention—he’s the one who outlined for me how the new marketing and advertising industries work in the digital age. Who’s got your teenager’s attention? What is he or she doing right now, as you read this article?
Well, if Facebook has its way, new media marketers, behavioral targeting firms and neural advertisers are going to have the attention of your children under 13. And that’s not what your 9 year-old or you are going to explicitly agree to when you’re online.
Advertisers and corporations know that if you can afford it (and often, even if you can’t) you want to buy what your teens and children want. For millions of teenagers in America, given our relative affluence in this country—it’s mostly all disposable income. Mass media and corporations want your children’s money—your money—and they’re going to try to get it by becoming the primary sources of identity development for your kids. This isn’t some crazy conspiracy theory. The idea is to link up, as soon as possible in the life of your child, brand loyalty with identity, such that your child comes to feel that choosing to buy this or that is a natural choice, reflective of who they really are and what they really care about. I chose Levi’s jeans. Nobody made me do that. Yes, they did. Some of the smartest people in the world—and some not so brilliant people right out of college—are paid anywhere from a modest wage to an obscene amount of money to work very, very hard to make you buy things. And the work these folks do is what your teens now see daily on their iPads, iPods, laptop and desktop computers, smartphones, on Facebook, Yahoo, through Google searches, on library computers and kiosks, radio, billboards, Internet cafés, on gaming devices, on buses, at schools, in airports. Who’s got your teenager’s attention? Who do you want to not only the attention but also the private information, Internet/Facebook use patterns and exactly what your 9 year-old “likes” on Facebook?
Parents, educators and mental health professionals need to weigh on this issue. I’m not trying to tell you what to think. I am asking, though, that you speak what’s on your mind—to your kids, your colleagues, the media and perhaps most important, to Facebook.
Michael Y. Simon, LMFT is the author of The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies That Work with Your Teenager (Fine Optics Press, 2012), a work that explores American adolescent development in the context of today’s digital world. He is a therapist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area and the founder of Practical Help for Parents, an online support community for parents, teachers and health professionals who work daily with teens. More information on the book is available at www.theapproximateparent.com
You can read more on this issue at at: http://www.digitaltrends.com/social-m...
May 30, 2012
May 26, 2012
The Hidden Digital Lives of Teens
Published in Unconventional Wisdom (Issue 5), a publication of the Council on Contemporary Families
Recent studies from the Pew Internet & American Life Project suggest that the vast majority of teens have a cellphone and spend a lot of time on it. Older adolescent females lead the way with cell use, sending upwards of 3,000 texts per month. While parents have general ideas about the pervasiveness of digital media use, they often don’t know the specifics and real frequency of that use, which includes (increasingly) live streaming of movies and television on cellphones, sexting (sending or receiving sexually-charged material via phone), gaming, and social aggression via text and use of social media on phones, tablets and laptops. When parents do discover the extent of their children’s involvement in digital media, it is often a source of family conflict. My clinical practice has seen a significant uptick in parents and teens of all ages having conflict around discovering the details of hidden digital lives.
Michael Simon, MFT, Psychotherapist and Author of The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies that Work with Your Teenager
Have we Really Been Over-Diagnosing and Over-Treating AD/HD?
From the most recent edition of Unconventional Wisdom, a publication of the Council on Contemporary Families:
Most surveys of parents, educators and pediatricians indicate a belief that Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) is being over-diagnosed and over-medicated. By 2011, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) noted that nearly 1 in 10 children had received an AD/HD diagnosis. Despite the increased media attention and significant rise in diagnosis and pharmacological and behavior treatments, my clinical practice consistently sees a failure by school personnel, parents, pediatricians and even many clinicians in the mental health field-especially those working with adolescents-to understand the criteria for making accurate diagnoses of AD/HD-PI (predominantly Inattentive Type) and AD/HD-Combined Type. In general, teachers, parents, doctors and mental health clinicians think of AD/HD as related to hyperactivity and automatically assume that the treatment for the disorder involves stimulant medication. Basic misinformation about AD/HD subtypes, prejudice and lack of knowledge about the range of treatment options and ongoing mistakes in diagnosis constitute significant barriers for treatment and understanding of teens suffering with AD/HD-PI and Combined Type. All these contribute to ongoing learning, social and familial difficulties for teens.
Michael Simon, MFT, Psychotherapist, Author of The Approximate Parent: Discovering the Strategies that Work with Your Teenager
