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Research: Effects Of ‘Phubbing’ On Romantic Relationships

Phubbing Vs. Presence

Appreciation is vital for happy relationships. It is something we show in words and deeds. The truth of someone’s feelings towards you always reveal themselves, often in the tiniest moments.

So if either you or your partner feel your presence is not appreciated, it will begin to take its toll. And this can be the case when you engage in ‘phubbing’.

‘Phubbing’ is a composite of the words ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’. It describes the act of snubbing someone by using one’s mobile phone whilst in their company.

According to research, snubbing your partner in favour of your smartphone or other technological device is associated with various negative outcomes. And even if you think it isn’t affecting one or both of you, the cumulative effects can add up, creating a deepening relational divide.

Let’s take a brief look at three studies and then, how it may be impacting you.

 

‘Technoference’ Effects During A Longitudinal (Long-Term) Study

Using 344 participants from a longitudinal study of family life from 2014 to 2016, researchers assessed the effects of technological interference (the interruption of a conversation or activity with their partner) over the course of 14 days, on couples (95% married), who had been living together and had a child under the age of five years [1].

Daily, for those 14 days, using a daily diary method, the participants rated how often each of their four technological devices – mobile phone, computer, tablet and television – interrupted a conversation or activity they were engaged in with their partner, i.e. how often they experienced ‘technoference’.

Additionally, they reported or rated (as per the instructions) their:

daily relationship quality,daily conflict over technology use,daily positive face-to-face interactions, anddaily negative mood.

 

Key Findings

Reports of technoference during the 14 days, to help you think about where you and your partner are likely to be, were as follows:

27.6% no technoference whatsoever;16.3% on one day,20% on two to three days,20.4% on four to six days,15.7% on seven or more days.

Furthermore, those who had experienced more technoference on average, also reported more conflict over technology use, less positive face-to-face interactions, and greater negative mood, on average.

And when participants reported more technoference than usual, they felt worse about their relationship, felt they had experienced more conflict over technology use, rated their face-to-face interactions as less positive, and experienced more negative mood.

And this was the case even after accounting for attachment anxiety, depression, and general feelings of relationship dissatisfaction.

 

Phubbing, Feelings & Retaliation

In another study, using a 10 day diary method, gathering reports from 75 cohabiting participants who had been with their romantic partner for, on average, 8 years, researchers found that participants’ daily perception of being phubbed by their partner was associated with lower relationship satisfaction and greater feelings of anger/frustration [2].

Plus, on days when participants felt partner phubbing levels were high, they experienced more curiosity, resentfulness, and the desire for retaliation which they engaged in by also picking up their phone (tit-for-tat behaviour).

And the reasons they gave for wanting to retaliate were, the need for support, need for approval, and revenge.

 

Responsiveness Is Important In Relationships

On a slightly helpful, upward trajectory, according to a seven day diary study, when a person reported that they were phubbed by their partner, but still responded to their partner’s needs in a way that the partner perceived as understanding and validating, i.e. their partner was still responsive to them even though they were using their mobile phone when spending time with them, they experienced reduced negative emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness and feeling upset [3].

Whilst it’s an improvement on the negative effects, such responsiveness didn’t completely diminish those negative emotions in the partner being sidelined over a mobile phone, and that’s very telling.

 

Phubbing/Technoference Disrupts Romantic Relationships

Snubbing your partner in favour of a technological device clearly isn’t pleasant for your partner [1; 2; 3]. It can give rise to all sorts of questions in their mind about why you’re not valuing your time with them, interested in them, invested in your relationship, and considerate of how being ignored makes them feel.

And given that phubbing can lead to resentfulness and retaliation [2] so immediately, and negative mood and less positive face-to-face interactions [1], it’s likely it will spill over into other aspects of your relationship in the long-run resulting in things like bickering about inane things, talking to each other disrespectfully, and no longer helping one another with the same gusto that you used to.

Resentfulness festers. And retaliation creates negativity and can spark an ongoing cycle of negative tit-for-tat behaviour where you’re suddenly no longer acting like a team, certainly not a very happy, buoyant one.

And then when you face small challenges in the future, they’ll feel much more stressful as a result, because you’ve slowly, insidiously lost that softness for one another, and romance, and feeling of cohesion.

You don’t create relationship problems over night. You create them little by little with bad habits repeated daily or near daily.

 

What’s Really Going On?

The third study very clearly highlights that partners have needs and expectations. Assuming those are reasonable needs and expectations, if you are frequently ignoring your partner in favour of using your mobile phone, it raises the question, why?

Are you no longer interested in them?

Are you avoiding facing up to something that you’re dissatisfied about in your relationship?

Are you feeling disconnected from your partner?

Is there something about your individual self that you’re unhappy about?

Are you worried about something?

Are you struggling with your mental health?

Are you feeling insecure?

Is somebody outside of your romantic relationship troubling you?

Do you have PTSD and are struggling to focus on anything at length?

Are you suffering from a mental illness and are trying to avoid the psychological or physical suffering that comes with it?

In other words, are you trying to distract yourself from a specific problem?

Listen, whatever problem you may not be facing up to, needs your attention. And I know it can be scary, sometimes so scary that you don’t even consciously acknowledge why you’re doing what you’re doing to distract yourself from your reality. But you need to. For you.

Put everything and everyone else aside for a moment. Start with you.

When you’re happy, the people around you will be happy…eventually. Even if that means the end of a relationship. If it’s not right for you, it’s not right for them either.

And those strangers you come into contact with in your daily life – they can see and feel you’re not happy, too. And it effects them also, energetically, physiologically, psychologically.

And as for your loved ones, they will bear the brunt of your unhappiness.

So by helping yourself, you help others too.

 

Back To Your Romantic Relationship

Demonstrating your appreciation for your partner being your partner is vital if you want the relationship to be happy, healthy and last. Being present when you’ve decided to spend time together helps them to feel noticed, appreciated, valued, tended to, loved.

Sure, we can all have moments where we get distracted by aspects of our life or can become addicted to things like work and success and fitness. Infrequent distractedness is human. And deciding you’re going to sit together to be in each other’s company whilst both still doing your own thing, is fine.

But if you make a habit of ignoring your partner, or ignoring one another when you’re actively spending time together, whether talking or engaged in an activity, then you are disconnecting from them, or one another, respectively. Do it for long enough, where do you end up? You go from arguments to relationship discontent to living separate lives.

So if you want your relationship to work, prioritise your partner over technology.

Got work to do? Do it in time allotted for it, not in the time allotted for your romantic connection.

Need some me-time. Take it! Schedule daily time for it.

Worried about something? Face it and fix it.

You can. You must. For yourself and others.

 

References

1. McDaniel, B. T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being. Computers in Human Behavior, 99, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.04...

2. Thomas, T.T., Carnelley, K.B., & Hart. C.M. (2022). Phubbing in romantic relationships and retaliation: A daily diary study. Computers in Human Behavior, 137, 107398, 10.1016/j.chb.2022.107398

3. Frackowiak, M., Hilpert, P. & Russell, P.S. (2024). Impact of partner phubbing on negative emotions: a daily diary study of mitigating factors. Current Psychology, 43, 1835–1854. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04...

 

Relationship Coaching Dating Coaching Anxiety Coaching Confidence Coaching

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29 Confidence Quotes To Empower You

Quotes For Improving Your Confidence

 

Confidence changes things.

Napoleon Hill once said, ‘Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.’ That’s also true for how you talk to yourself.

Thoughts and spoken words change things. They change how you feel about yourself, how you feel about life, what you notice, and what you do.

So, regardless of whether you’ve always struggled with your confidence and self-esteem, or whether you’ve only recently experienced a downturn in either your confidence or both your confidence and self-esteem, below are 29 confidence quotes to empower you.

 

29 Confidence Quotes To Empower You

 

1. ‘Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.’ – Bell Hooks

2. ‘If everyone likes you, you’re not doing it right.’ – Bette Davis

3. ‘You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.’ – Maxwell Maltz

4. ‘Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.’ – Malcolm S. Forbes

5. ‘We must all wage an intense, lifelong battle against the constant downward pull. If we relax, the bugs and weeds of negativity will move into the garden and take away everything of value.’ – Jim Rohn

6. The key to life is accepting challenges. Once someone stops doing this, he’s dead.’ – Bette Davis

7. ‘Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.’ – Norman Vincent Peale

8. ‘Build your self-esteem by recalling all the ways you have succeeded, and your brain will be filled with images of you making your achievements happen again and again. Give yourself permission to toot your own horn, and don’t wait for anyone to praise you.’ – Jack Canfield

9. ‘You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.’ – Maya Angelou

10. ‘Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember – the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.’ – Zig Ziglar

11. ‘If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone.’ – Maxwell Maltz

12. ‘It’s no good being too easily swayed by people’s opinions. You have to believe in yourself.’ – Donatella Versace

13. ‘It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.’ – William James

14. ‘You’ve got to jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down.’ – Ray Bradbury

15. ‘Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.’ – Dale Carnegie

16. ‘He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.’ – Marcus Aurelius

17. ‘We all have our limitations, but when we listen to our critics, we also have theirs.’ – Robert Breault

18. ‘It’s better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for someone you’re not. It’s a sign of your worth sometimes, if you’re hated by the right people.’ – Bette Davis

19. ‘Power doesn’t have to show off. Power is confident, self-assuring, self-starting and self-stopping, self-warming and self-justifying. When you have it, you know it.’ – Ralph Ellison

20. ‘Being your authentic self exudes a quiet confidence.’ – Sam Owen ~ 500 Relationships and Life Quotes

21. ‘Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on.’ – Maxwell Maltz

22. ‘Self-esteem and self-love are the opposites of fear; the more you like yourself, the less you fear anything.’ – Brian Tracy

23. ‘As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.’ – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

24. ‘Our self-image directly influences our behaviour and so by setting realistic goals and achieving them, we frequently improve our self-image, well-being and confidence, and reinforce our resilience armour.’ – Sam Owen ~ Resilient Me

25. ‘Confidence sometimes requires purposeful preparation and practise.’ – Sam Owen ~ 500 Relationships and Life Quotes

26. ‘People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.’ – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

27. ‘Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It’s the sure-footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.’ – Ann Landers

28. ‘Confidence is a characteristic of a positive attitude. The greatest achievers and leaders remain confident regardless of circumstances.’ – John C. Maxwell.

29. ‘Still I’ll rise.’ – Maya Angelou

 

Free Download: 36 Confidence & Self-Esteem Affirmations

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How Dating Apps Impact Body Image, Mental Health & Wellbeing

Are We Breaking Up With Dating Apps?

As I searched online for recent surveys about online dating to include in this article, I was surprised to see the data was scant, to say the least. A sign of the times? Maybe. Are people hankering for more offline dating or for finding love through more organic means online? Perhaps.

Online dating has, unfortunately, become somewhat synonymous with toxic dating behaviours. And whilst in recent years I’ve covered topics such as ‘ghosting’ and ‘breadcrumbing’ during online dating use, one topic that hasn’t received as much coverage on my blog are the effects that online dating use can have on daters’ mental health and wellbeing in general.

So how does online dating affect aspects of one’s self-image, mental health and wellbeing?

 

Dating Apps

In a new scientific review of dating apps specifically, as opposed to online dating sites and dating apps, researchers examined 45 studies to understand what the research can tell us about the effects of dating apps on body image, mental health and wellbeing [1].

The studies included were published between 2016 and 2023, with the majority – 39 out of 45 studies – published between 2020 and 2023.

Overall, they found that over 86.4% of the studies uncovered a significant negative impact of dating app use on body image, and 48.6% found significant negative impacts on mental health and wellbeing.

In what ways and in whom? Let’s get into some of the finer details.

 

Dating App Use & Body Image

The below findings relate to the studies that did find negative body image outcomes as a result of dating app use so that you can see the types of negative effects for your own self-awareness, should you identify any of these in yourself and want to reassess your current approach to your dating and relationship goals.

In the studies using quantitative data (measured numerically), dating app use was positively associated with:

body dissatisfaction,disordered eating,body surveillance,unhealthy weight control behaviours,body image disturbance,muscularity dissatisfaction,height dissatisfaction,body image disturbance,body shame,and low body esteem.

Where qualitative data was used (non-numerical information gathered through things like interviews and questionnaires), the studies told a story of dating app use being positively associated with:

discomfort in heterosexual men when they felt they didn’t possess the ‘ideal body’,weight/appearance-based stigma and discrimination for gay men,social comparison and self-objectification for gay men,and disordered eating in gay and bisexual men.

 

Dating App Use & Mental Health & Wellbeing

Again, to help you think about any dating pitfalls you may be falling into, or may in the future, the below refer to the negative mental health and wellbeing outcomes that dating app use was related to in the reviewed studies that uncovered such findings.

These studies found a positive association between dating app use and:

higher depression,higher anxiety,poorer self-esteem,negative mood,stress,and lower life satisfaction.

Specific reasons for the positive association between dating app use and depression were:

perceived rejection on dating apps,dating app facilitated sexual violence,low perceived popularity on dating apps,and being ghosted on dating apps.

On the other hand, the positive association between dating app use and anxiety was due to:

first use of online dating being before the age of 18 years for women,and dating app facilitated sexual violence.

Some of the reasons for the positive association between dating app use and poorer self-esteem, were:

perceived rejection,dating app facilitated sexual violence,dating app facilitated weight-based discrimination,low perceived popularity on dating apps,and being ghosted.

And finally, mood was negatively correlated with:

being ghosted.

 

Now, About You

Okay, so now that you know some of the potential negative effects of dating app use on body image, mental health and wellbeing, use these as a great starting point for self-reflection, and then if required, planning your redirection.

It could be that you have noticed some of these effects during your dating app use, or that you begin to at some point in the future.

Like with social media use, if you notice any of the above negative effects whenever you log on, or when you’ve been on (a fair amount) for the past few days, weeks or months, it’s worth thinking about how you can adjust your dating app activity, i.e. how you use it, when you use it, and/or how often you use it. View this short video, 11 Tips For Using Social Media In A Healthier Way, as you can apply a lot of the tips to your dating app use.

And if dating apps are really getting you down, you can create a new plan of action for your dating journey, one that better suits your personality, mental health/wellbeing needs, and dating goals.

If you want to hear opinions about online dating vs. offline dating from singles in Europe, then check out the videos below, and please do enjoy my cinematic outro music on the Italian one, ha ha ha.

 

 

 

 

Reference

Bowman, Z., Drummond, M., Church, J., Kay, J., & Petersen, J. M. (2025). Dating apps and their relationship with body image, mental health and wellbeing: A systematic review. Computers in Human Behavior, 165, 108515. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2024.10...

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Relationship Maintenance Behaviours & Relationship Satisfaction

Love & Action

Let’s talk relationship maintenance behaviours. Relationship maintenance means doing the things that will keep your relationship thriving during the good times and the bad. They require the motivation to make your relationship thrive and last, awareness of which things will help you to achieve this goal, and the self-confidence to use them. So what can we learn about this from research?

In one study, researchers looked at whether one’s self-efficacy in romantic relationships in general (the belief that one has the capacity to execute behaviours to achieve a specific outcome in their romantic relationships, regardless of who one’s partner is and what relationship tasks are being undertaken) influenced their use of relationship maintenance behaviours and if this in turn led to greater romantic relationship satisfaction [1].

To do this, they used five relationship maintenance behaviours which can be applied to both romantic and non-romantic relationships, that were originally identified by Canary & Stafford (1992), namely: positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks [2].

 

5 Relationship Maintenance Strategies

These five relationship maintenance strategies/behaviours are described as follows [3]:

‘Positivity includes tactics such as being cheerful (when not wanting to be), refraining from criticism, engaging in spontaneous and fun events, and others.’

‘Openness refers to discussing current and future directions of the relationship, as well as disclosing one’s goals for the relationship. Importantly, the disclosure that occurs during maintenance focuses on the relationship and not on personal issues or feelings.’

‘Assurances involve behaviors that show one’s commitment to the partner, stress one’s faithfulness, and provide support to the partner.’

‘Social networks involve behaviors that rely on friends and families as resources that help stabilize the relationship. For example, having weekend visits with one’s family, sharing the same friends, and engaging in the same activities with friends typically help support the relationship.’

‘Sharing tasks refers to doing one’s fair share of the work, performing chores equitably, planning (e.g., grocery lists), and so forth.’

 

Self-Efficacy & Relationship Satisfaction

The researchers [1] found:

Romantic relationship self-efficacy is positively associated with relationship satisfaction, i.e. when a person views themselves as a competent relationship partner, they’ll have a more satisfying relationship.Relationship maintenance behaviours are positively associated with relationship satisfaction satisfaction.One of the reasons that self-efficacy in romantic relationships is associated with relationship satisfaction is because that relationship-specific self-efficacy results in people engaging in more relationship maintenance behaviours which in turn results in greater relationship satisfaction.

So improving upon your relationship maintenance skills, and building the self-confidence to execute them and expect positive outcomes for your relationship, is going to improve your relationship satisfaction, possibly massively (depending on the current state of your relationship and yours and your partner’s current relationship habits). The little things matter. A lot.

 

Use Relationship Maintenance Behaviours For Greater Relationship Satisfaction

Naturally, the more positive outcomes you experience, the more satisfied you become, and the more your confidence grows to engage in those very relationship-nurturing and relationship-elevating behaviours that elicited such positive outcomes, and the more you’ll increase (or at least sustain) your relationship satisfaction.

Think of it as a positive cycle that just keeps on giving.

So that’s:

Step 1: Build self-confidence to utilise relationship maintenance behaviours (i.e. relationship-nurturing and relationship-elevating behaviours).

Step 2: Engage in relationship maintenance behaviours.

Step 3: Appreciate and enjoy their positive outcomes.

And then just repeat Steps 1–3 over and over again, all the while learning and improving, appreciating and growing, individually and together.

 

Build Your Self-Confidence

On the subject of building your self-confidence for engaging in relationship maintenance behaviours, have a think about what is, or may be, holding you back right now, and go to work on it.

Whilst here we have been focusing on the relationship maintenance strategies laid out by researchers – positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks [2] – remember that there are various other facets that require your attention also, and that when you give them their due attention and effort, they too lead to sustained/increased relationship satisfaction, such as, general communication style, conflict resolution approach, and all forms of intimacy, amongst other things.

So, some questions to ask yourself are:

Which of the aforementioned relationship habits (positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks) and relationship facets (communication, conflict resolution, intimacy) do I need to get better at?When I have historically performed better in these areas, what positive outcomes have I/we experienced?Which 2–3 areas of improvement will I start working on immediately?

Remember that, as the researchers state, ‘The greater the feelings of self-efficacy in romantic relationships, the more likely participants were to report using maintenance behaviors and the more often they used the maintenance behaviors, the more satisfied they were with their relationships.’

So work on utilising thoughts and behaviours that serve your relationship-goals rather than sabotage them, and watch how your relationship grows in harmony and satisfaction.

 

It’s Possible Not All Strategies Will Fit Your Situation

Whilst the study [2] assessed sound strategies, the five relationship maintenance behaviours leading to relationship satisfaction may not always be applicable to everyone and here’s why.

Whether you’re in young adulthood, middle adulthood or later adulthood, social networks can change. So that relationship maintenance behaviour may not directly apply to your situation.

For example, you may not have your family and friends nearby as you may have moved to a brand new city or country for yours or your partner’s employment opportunity. Or, sadly, but as is sometimes the case, they may actually be a source of stress, and even relationship problems, for you.

In which case, just focus on the strategies that are applicable, and consider building a new social network if and when you want to.

 

Maintain To Sustain & Grow

Remember, no matter how long you have been together, the small things matter, they always matter.

And that maintaining your relationship is a lifelong process, something people forget when they’ve become complacent. But complacency is the death of relationship satisfaction.

Don’t do what some fall into the trap of over time where, when facing relationship challenges, they go from making an effort to not investing much effort, to playing relationship-sabotaging tit-for-tat, to forgetting about the small things that used to make a big positive impact on their relationship and wellbeing, to completely living separate lives.

Putting effort into maintaining your relationship, matters, no matter what hurdles you face. In fact, it’s in those challenging moments that you really show one another how much you care and how deeply you love one another, what you’re made of, how well you fit together, and what the road ahead holds, i.e. whether the way you care for one another and your relationship, in the tough times, fills you with optimism and excitement, or pessimism and dread for the future.

With that in mind, embrace the challenges, they’re actually full of gifts, gifts that can make you stronger, closer, happier and more satisfied.

 

References

1. Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2016). Self-efficacy in romantic relationships: Direct and indirect effects on relationship maintenance and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 89, 152–156. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2015.1...

2. Canary, D. J., & Stafford, L. (1992). Relational maintenance strategies and equity in marriage. Communication Monographs, 59(3), 243–267. https://doi.org/10.1080/0363775920937...

3. Canary D. J., Yum Y. (2015). Relationship maintenance strategies. In Berger C. R., Roloff M. E. (Eds.), The international encyclopedia of interpersonal communication (pp. 1–9). Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118540190...

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How Rejection Sensitivity Affects Your Romantic Relationships

Rejection Sensitivity Takes You Away From Your Goals

Is rejection sensitivity sabotaging your relationships? It could be that you’re dating to search for lasting love, are in a romantic relationship, or that the relationships with your friends and family are being affected by your anxious relating. Or perhaps you have a relationship with someone that is being hindered by their sensitivity to rejection.

Rejection sensitivity is the tendency to anxiously expect, easily perceive, and intensely react to rejection.

As such, it can result in a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby those who are hyper-fearful of rejection think, and thus subsequently behave, in ways that evoke rejection from others. It’s a vicious cycle.

Repetitive thoughts do that. They lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for better or for worse. This is why affirmations are so powerful for displacing repetitive negative thoughts and a propensity for negative thinking with positive thoughts and a natural tendency for positive thinking, both consciously and subconsciously, thus leading to conscious and subconscious behaviours that positively affect you and your life.

Of course, with something like rejection sensitivity, you also have to look at what else is behind that type of behaviour in addition to the repetitive negative thoughts. For example, it could be your attachment style, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, or previous relationship trauma.

Furthermore, how does relationship sensitivity affect your dating journey and romantic relationships?

 

Rejection Sensitivity & Romantic Relationships Research

To shed a light on how rejection sensitivity relates to romantic relationships, researchers conducted a scientific review of 60 studies with a combined total of 16,955 participants [1]. So, let’s take a look at what they found, along with some notes from me as bullet points.

 

Dating

Those higher in rejection sensitivity tended to date less frequently offline, but dated more frequently online than less rejection sensitive individuals.

 

Whilst rejection can still happen during online dating, one may find it easier to have the distance online dating affords as it allows daters opportunities to justify rejection, thus reducing its detrimental effect, with reasons such as, ‘They don’t even know me so they are not rejecting me’, ‘I don’t know if they even looked at my profile properly’, and so on.

 

With online dating, one isn’t able to see visual cues of rejection, making it less anxiety-provoking for rejection sensitive individuals who tend to be hyper-alert for cues of rejection.

 

Positive Relationship Factors

Rejection sensitive individuals tended to experience lower relationship satisfaction, perceived their partner to have lower relationship satisfaction, experienced less relationship closeness, and had lower levels of romantic expression.

However, rejection sensitivity had no bearing on relationship commitment.

 

Rejection sensitivity is found amongst people with insecure attachment styles and this means they are likely to engage in thoughts and behaviours that are relationship-sabotaging such as worrying about whether they are worthy of love; being clingy, or flitting between being closeness and distance; requiring lots of reassurance; and being hyper vigilant for signs of rejection for fear of abandonment. So this could explain such findings.

 

Attachment style aside, the tendency to anxiously expect, easily perceive, and intensely react to rejection means that simple interactions can be fraught with ‘danger’ for the rejection sensitive individual, resulting in the use of distance from one’s partner as a form of defence mechanism leading to less relationship closeness and lower relationship satisfaction.

 

Greater fear of rejection can lead to more tentative attempts to express oneself romantically, thereby reducing romantic expression.

 

Given the hyper-vigilance and a greater chance of misunderstanding their partner’s interactions as being of a negative, rejecting nature, and their fear of abandonment, it’s easier for relationship interactions to be seen as ‘proof’ of their partner’s lack of relationship satisfaction. Neutral and even positive communications and other interactions can be easily misconstrued as a sign of relationship issues.

 

Negative Relationship Factors

Both intimate partner violence perpetration and intimate partner violence victimisation were associated with rejection sensitivity, meaning there was a greater likelihood that rejection sensitive individuals would either inflict intimate partner violence on their romantic partner or be a victim of it.

 

The former reflects a hostile, aggressive, dangerous disposition whereby the rejection sensitive person behaves in an entitled manner when they feel their unreasonable needs are not being met, and channel their negative emotions outwards towards their victims. Think dark triad traits – narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism (all linked to a higher prevalence for insecure attachment styles [2, 3, 4]) – which overlap with one another meaning that if one person has one trait, they usually have aspects of one or both of the other traits. Such violent perpetration can be verbal, physical, or sexual, direct or indirect, and take place online or offline.

 

The latter reflects those who may stay in an abusive relationship due to fear of rejection, and a lack of confidence in one’s own worth.

 

Rejection sensitive individuals also had a higher likelihood of experiencing romantic relationship conflict.

 

As they are hyper-vigilant to ‘threats’, they are more likely to engage in conflict and/or induce conflict in their romantic partner due to how they behave, for example, misconstruing inane interactions, using unhelpful tactics to seek reassurance, or being inordinately jealous.

 

Rejection sensitive persons were more likely to engage in self-silencing behaviour. This connection was more prevalent in rejection sensitive women than men.

 

This could be how they try to hold on to a relationship, even when it is unhealthy, like those who are victims of intimate partner violence. It may also be how they try to quickly diffuse tense situations with their partner. In doing so, they would not be relating authentically which could lead to further relationship problems and/or staying in the wrong relationship for too long.

 

Rejection sensitive individuals also perceived themselves as having less power in their romantic relationship.

 

Due to being fearful of rejection and even abandonment, they may see themselves as unable to exert control and so end up feeling as though they have less power in the relationship which in turn will have a knock-on effect on their worth, leading to a negative spiral where both influence one another reciprocally.

 

Sexual Factors

Rejection sensitivity was linked to a greater likelihood of engaging in risky sexual behaviour (such as unprotected sex with a new sexual partner) and a higher likelihood of sexual compulsiveness (sexual addiction).

 

The former likely reflects being eager to please and appease when that feels easier than feeling ‘rejected’, and the latter could be a way to suppress the uncomfortable, anxious sensations of rejection sensitivity with a stronger and more pleasurable sensation.

 

You Can Change Your Propensity For Rejection Sensitivity

Remember that rejection sensitivity is the tendency to anxiously expect, easily perceive, and intensely react to rejection. It is, by its very nature, counter-productive to healthy, happy relationships.

Even if a partner is having personal issues they are struggling with, a rejection sensitive person may see their partner’s words, body language, or behaviours as a sign of their partner being upset with them or not truly loving them when this may be wholly incorrect. Overcoming this requires good communication, a keen motivation to understand one another, and to better use one’s thoughts in a manner that will be conducive to togetherness, empathy and compassion for one another.

And whether you’re dating and looking for lasting love, or already in a relationship, if you’re not being your authentic self then you will be uncomfortable, anxious, and unable to know whether you and they are a good fit. A core fundamental of happy relationships is being authentic.

If you recognise yourself in any of the above, then know that you can change your attachment style, you can heal your past relationship traumas, and you can prune away any unhealthy relationships in your life once you decide to. It’s up to you.

 

References

1. Mishra, M., & Allen, M. S. (2023). Rejection sensitivity and romantic relationships: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences, 208, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.1...

2. Ellina, E., & Parpottas, P. (2023). The Role of Narcissism and Attachment in Adult Romantic Relationships: A Study of Greek-speaking Adult Participants. The European Journal of Counselling Psychology. https://doi.org/10.46853/001c.84014

3. Nickisch, A., Palazova, M., & Ziegler, M. (2020). Dark personalities – dark relationships? An investigation of the relation between the Dark Tetrad and attachment styles. Personality and Individual Differences, 167. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.1...

4. Set, Z. (2021). Mediating Role of Narcissism, Vulnerable Narcissism, and Self-Compassion in the Relationship Between Attachment Dimensions and Psychopathology. Alpha Psychiatry, 22(3), 147–152. https://doi.org/10.5455/apd.99551

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Research: Benefits Of Solitude For Restoration, Growth & Peace

Solitude In A Hyperconnected World

The world is a busy, at times chaotic, place, hyperconnected to an unhealthy, and sometimes creepy, level. Companies trying to get your email address to send you a digital receipt when you are physically stood less than a meter away from them. People being able to contact you via various methods 24/7. Yet, undoubtedly, one person’s idea of progress can be another person’s idea of suffocation.

Life, too, can be busy and chaotic for some. Some have very busy lives with lots of demands on their time, energy and focus, whilst at the other end of the spectrum, others have very leisurely daily lives that require little from them.

So, when we think about restorative practices, it is unlikely that one rule fits all which is why it is always important to listen to your own mind and body and use them as a gauge for what you need right now, or at least at some point during your day, in order to boost your resilience, wellbeing, mental clarity, and more.

But can research on the subject give us that sweet spot, the right balance between solitude and socialising? After all, we are social creatures but we also have a daily, finite amount of energy, attention, and other such resources.

 

Balance Between Solitude And Socialising

Researchers set out to see if there was a perfect amount of time people should dedicate to solitude, a sufficient period that gives enough time for relaxation and reconnection with oneself without becoming so much time that it feels lonely and isolating [1]. In other words, reaping wellbeing benefits and stopping short of it tipping into wellbeing costs.

Their results yielded no such perfect amount of time for solitude.

However, they did find both positive and negative wellbeing outcomes of time spent in solitude on a given day, namely, reduced stress and greater autonomy, and feeling less satisfied and lonelier, respectively.

They also found that choosing solitude can help reduce or completely diminish the negative wellbeing effects. And that those who generally spent more time alone were not, on the whole, lonelier.

 

Restoration And Relatedness Across Shades Of Solitude

In a new study, researchers looked at ‘shades of solitude’ to see how differing degrees of solitude produced different wellbeing effects [2].

This is important as we are social creatures living in a hyperconnected world and complete solitude could take away from feeling connected with others, thus being detrimental to our wellbeing.

The researchers used four shades of solitude (see below), either including or excluding both analog and digital media (e.g. books and artwork, and social media and television, respectively), whilst also assessing ‘relatedness’ (e.g. feeling ‘close and connected with other people who are important to me’).

Importantly, all four shades of solitude required participants to have no interaction with others:

(i)  Base Solitude (can remain accessible to others and engage with media);
(ii) Base Solitude + Inaccessibility (are inaccessible to others but can engage with media);
(iii) Base Solitude + No Media (cannot engage with media but can remain accessible to others);
(iv) Total Solitude (are both inaccessible to others and cannot engage with media).

They found that the highest sum of restoration and relatedness (best wellbeing outcomes) came from the Base Solitude experience, which meant no interaction with others whilst still not being completely cut off from others, knowing that one was accessible to others and that one could still feel connected to others by viewing media. This was followed by Base Solitude + No Media, Base Solitude + Inaccessibility, and Total Solitude.

Notably, though, those who perceived solitude to be associated with higher restoration and relatedness, found it less detrimental to their wellbeing as assessed in terms of life satisfaction (e.g. ‘In most ways my life is close to ideal’), emotional wellbeing (e.g. ‘I feel calm and peaceful’), and loneliness (e.g. ‘I lack companionship).

 

Solitude From Adolescence to Older Adulthood

In the last study I’ll cover, researchers looked at how (a) one’s motivation for solitude and (b) one’s experience of peaceful mood within solitude, differed across the lifespan by utilising questionnaires to extract narratives as well as quantifiable data from three age groups: adolescents (13–16 years), adults (35–55 years), and older adults (59–85 years) [3].

They found that, in sum, solitude was seen to be a positive experience across all the age groups, albeit sometimes for different reasons.

Adolescents appreciated the opportunity solitude afforded them to feel competent and to experience self-growth.

Adults were mainly motivated towards solitude for self-growth and competence, but of the three groups, they were the group most likely to report disrupted wellbeing as a result of time spent in solitude, experienced as a loss of familiarity, lack of structure, inactivity, or missing human contact.

Older adults were much less interested in the opportunities for self-growth that solitude presented, but they were motivated by autonomy, allowing them to feel self-reliant and connect with themselves, and they were the age group most likely to report feeling peaceful as a result of solitude.

 

One Size Does Not Fit All, And That’s Absolutely Fine

I really love the finding in the new study [2] that a more incomplete form of solitude where one is still accessible to others and can still engage with media was, overall, the most restorative whilst still allowing one to feel connected to others. Because it feels so much more achievable for most people, and is actually what I describe as ‘me-time’ in my books in the self-care chapters. It’s a malleable chunk of time that you use as you see fit whilst having time to yourself to do with it as you please. Autonomy.

The use of shades of solitude not only demonstrated that, on the whole, a more incomplete form of solitude (their Base Solitude condition) produced the best wellbeing effects overall, but that you can choose the degree of solitude that you need. And options are important because everyone has different needs and motivations for solitude, and life’s current circumstances will further shape your current needs and motivations, including your mental state, the challenges you are facing, and the opportunities available to you.

Remember also that feeling connected to other human beings can (but not always depending on your mental health) help you to feel calmer, safer. So that may be why you better reap the benefits of more incomplete solitude when you need it. It might also be that you strictly need time out from everyone except one or two people that make you feel safe and loved.

 

An Emotional Roller Coaster Can Be A Good Thing

You might know you need some time out, but you may not know what sort of emotional upheaval it will bring. So when it comes to having some me-time for self-growth, remember that it might be a difficult time, as reported by the adults in the lifespan study [3], but a great use of your time all in all.

Think short-term pain for long-term gains. Some of the best turning points in life come from the deepest frustration, difficulties and/or emotional pain.

And time out from the world can be a brilliant way to focus on programming the ‘sat nav’ in your mind by identifying where you are (your starting point, ‘A’), where you want to be (your destination, ‘B’), and creating a plan of action to achieve that transformation (the journey from ‘A’ to ‘B’).

 

Minimise The Negative And Maximise The Positive

Remember that solitude can produce both positive and negative wellbeing effects, e.g. reduce stress and increase feelings of autonomy, and reduce satisfaction and increase loneliness, respectively [1], so be sure to undertake a solitude activity that will help your wellbeing rather than inadvertently hinder it.

For some that might mean a silent retreat in Bali. For others that could mean having some me-time in a room at home whilst their spouse and children honour their needs for solitude by creating no interruptions, all whilst being comforted by the feeling of connectedness that still remains from the patter of feet and sounds of laughter nearby.

And make sure you are opting for solitude happily rather than begrudgingly, and see it as good for you, as choosing solitude [1] and perceiving solitude to be beneficial [2], can negate any negative wellbeing effects.

 

Choose A Solitude Activity That Fits You

We have seen that solitude can take different forms and that still feeling connected to others whilst also practicing a form of solitude that suits you, can be beneficial for your wellbeing. So think outside the box.

Think about what would be the most restorative form of solitude for you. Would it be spending a weekend alone in a cottage with no internet and no phone reception? Or sitting on a park bench listening to music whilst still surrounded by other humans? Or going for a hike, solo? Or working out in the gym, earphones in, with no communication with others?

The only way you will work out what works best for you is to try something, if it doesn’t work, try something else. If it works, great! And then consider exploring more forms of solitude so that you eventually build up an arsenal of solitude activities that work for you, that are varied, and then you can pick the one that suits you and your needs the most each time you know your mind/body is yearning for some solitude.

Some of the keywords that pop out when looking at the above studies into solitude, are:

Wellbeing; Restoration; Autonomy; Self-growth; Competence; Peacefulness.

Use these to help you decide which you are most motivated by when you think about carving out some time for solitude away from everyone’s demands on your time, attention and energy, and ensure you take that me-time for yourself, guilt-free, ideally daily, even if just briefly. There is a power in solitude. Use it to your advantage.

 

References

1. Weinstein, N., Vuorre, M., Adams, M., & Nguyen, T. (2023). Balance between solitude and socializing: everyday solitude time both benefits and harms well-being. Scientific Reports, 13, 21160. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-023-44...

2. Ross, M. Q., & Campbell, S. W. (2024). The tradeoff of solitude? Restoration and relatedness across shades of solitude. PLoS ONE 19(12): e0311738. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone....

3. Weinstein, N., Nguyen, T. V., & Hansen, H. (2021). What Time Alone Offers: Narratives of Solitude From Adolescence to Older Adulthood. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 714518. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.71...

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33 Helpful Reminders For Achieving Goals

Reminders For Goals Big & Small

Sometimes you just need some simple, helpful reminders to help you achieve your goals, big and small, without having to think too hard about it.

It could be that you’re pursuing relationship goals, health and fitness goals, self-esteem goals, wellbeing goals, career goals, or something else.

So without further ado, here are some thoughts from me to help you.

 

Goals, Goals, Goals & 33 Helpful Reminders For Achieving Them

1. You have to set goals that you want to achieve, not those that others want or expect you to achieve.

2. The methods you use for achieving your goals must align with who you are – your pleasures, personality and skills.

3. It’s best to use other people’s goals as inspiration rather than motivation.

4. Your goals should challenge you not disempower you; your thoughts and bodily sensations will help direct you.

5. Thoughtfully working out and adhering to specific smaller steps – what they are, time spent, quantity, frequency, timing, etc – to achieve your overarching goals makes the journey to success more fluid.

6. Listen to your mind and body and adjust your activity as necessary whilst also staying on track with your goals, overall.

7. Surround yourself with people who truly want the best for you, not those who pretend to whilst standing in the way of your goals.

8. Taking time to consciously problem-solve frequently, allows your brain to continue problem-solving subconsciously whilst you’re busy doing other things.

9. Follow the direction of easy flowing energy.

10. Challenges always usher you towards your goals, happiness and life purpose.

11. Capture your ideas in writing as you get them, without judging if they are good ideas or not.

12. Your past successes and failures hold secrets to attaining your future goals.

13. When you pursue things with a good heart your journey will be much smoother.

14. Your character will show itself when you are in pursuit of your goals and when you achieve them, make sure it’s a good one.

15. Never underestimate the power of doing important tasks to achieve your goals just because they feel like fun.

16. Self-reflection is vital so make sufficient time for it.

17. What you feed your mind will direct you towards your goals or away from them.

18. Beware of the factors influencing your thoughts and emotions for the worse, and replace them with factors influencing them for the better.

19. Distance yourself from those who distract your attention from, and sap your energy for, your important goals.

20. Make each decision with care knowing that it can take you off track or push you closer to your goals.

21. Rather than following the crowd, follow your intuition.

22. Have faith in yourself.

23. Be patient with yourself.

24. Be careful who you share your vision with.

25. Make moves, then make more moves, and then some more, and share only when it’s noteworthy.

26. Stay humble, everyone is equal but not everyone has the same opportunities.

27. Try things, you don’t always know what will work until you’ve given things a go.

28. Embrace the failures because they’ll help you to crystallise your plan.

29. Keep things simple, and focus on the core activities that will help you to achieve your goals.

30. Don’t overload yourself out of insecurity or panic, and don’t underwhelm yourself out of fear.

31. Choose your helpers carefully and help others genuinely.

32. Self-care is mind-care, body-care, and brain-care; make them a daily habit in order to further yourself.

33. And give money to those less fortunate, it will help you to stay resilient, and grateful for the life you have.

For comprehensive and easy read, scientific information on goal setting and goal achievement, read Resilient Me: How to worry less and achieve more.

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Why Supporting Your Partner’s Goals Helps Your Relationship

Two Happy People Make A Happy Relationship

In romantic relationships you’re meant to love and care for one another deeply and that means supporting each other to achieve your respective goals. You may think that your partner’s goals are not right for them, or you may feel that they conflict with your own individual goals or your mutual couple goals, but you still need to support them. And I’ll explain why.

Whilst this may feel counterintuitive – as supporting your partner’s goals may come at the detriment of your own goals, their health and happiness or yours, or even the temporary wellbeing of your romantic relationship – two happy people make a happy relationship.

And if you want your spouse to be happy, you need to let them be their authentic selves and grow as they desire.

You know that phrase, ‘their happiness is your happiness’? It is the case. In a long-term study spanning 35 years researchers found that the happiness trajectory of one spouse was closely associated with the happiness of the other spouse; spouses’ happiness levels waxed and waned at roughly the same time across the decades [1].

And if you’re both focused on each other’s happiness as well as your own, things work out much easier and better for you both in the long-run anyway!

With that in mind, I’ll explain which types of support work and which don’t, and why, despite the perceived costs, supporting your partner works out best for both of you.

 

Different Types Of Support

So which types of support help your partner’s ability to achieve their goals, and which hinder?

In a review of 36 studies with a total of 10,130 participants in romantic relationships, researchers looked at how three types of support – (i) responsive, (ii) practical, and (iii) negative support – affected romantic partners’ goal outcomes based on three parameters – (a) progress, (b) commitment, and (c) self-efficacy (the belief that one has the capacity to execute behaviours to achieve a specific outcome) [2].

‘Responsive support’ encapsulates emotional support such as reassurance, encouragement or understanding.

‘Practical support’ refers to practical help such as advice, assistance or information.

‘Negative support’ includes things like control, coercion or interference.

Whilst responsive and practical support were positively associated with the partners’ goal outcomes, and to a similar degree, negative support was negatively associated with the partners’ goal outcomes.

So emotional and practical support helped, whilst negative support hindered.

Emotional support benefitted (a) progress and (b) commitment and (c) self-efficacy, equally. Practical support helped (a) progress and (b) commitment but produced mixed results for (c) self-efficacy, possibly, as stated by some of the original researchers, because practical support can help some people’s self-efficacy whilst hindering it in others.

 

Harmonious And Non-Harmonious Goals

In an experimental study testing the effects of goals that romantic partners feel are in conflict with their own goals or the romantic relationship itself, i.e. non-harmonious goals, researchers found that non-harmonious goals can hinder goal pursuit in terms of the goal-striver’s commitment, motivation, and progress towards opportunities [3].

More specifically, non-harmonious goals resulted in partners being less likely to seek support, less likely to provide support, more likely to view their partner as being less supportive, and ultimately, feel less committed toward their goals.

 

Long-Term Goal Conflict

In another study, researchers found that when dating partners reported higher goal conflict regarding long-term goals, they also reported lower relationship quality and lower subjective wellbeing; plus, when one partner reported higher goal conflict, their partner also reported lower subjective wellbeing [4].

So, higher long-term goal conflict can affect relationship quality and the wellbeing of both partners.

 

How Supporting Your Partner Helps, Despite Perceived Costs

So why am I saying that you need to support your partner despite the perceived costs?

Because personal growth is incredibly important to the health and happiness of ‘healthy’ individuals.* If you strive to make them happy and they strive to make you happy, then you’ll always find a happy medium that works good enough to ensure you’re both happy.

That might mean, for example, finding different ways to have more time together, finding ways to not let their goals affect your relationship or wellbeing, focusing on the gains you’ll both reap in the long-term instead of the pain in the short-term, and so on.

Whatever the challenge, you’ll find a way around it when you’re both motivated by your own happiness and each other’s happiness, too.

Furthermore, even if you think your partner is pursuing a goal that is not right for them, or is too small for them, or too big for them, or that they are using the wrong vehicle for pursuing it, or that they are striving towards it in a long-winded way, etc, whatever your views and concerns may be, you need to let them find their own way. That’s part of their personal growth.

Yes, communicate your concerns in a compassionate, respectful way, and if they love you, they’ll care, but as per the aforementioned study, don’t try to control them as it will only hinder their progress. Plus, it will take away their sense of freedom and dampen their wellbeing. And you certainly don’t want to do any of that.

People need to make their own mistakes sometimes; let them. It’s good for them. And it’s good for your relationship long-term. Only when a person has exhausted their own ideas about how to fulfil their vision, do they know for sure, whether it was right or not, whether they attain their goal, or fail to do so.

And when you give something your all, you can walk away with peace of mind. If, on the other hand, you get in the way of your partner pursuing their important goals with all their heart and in the manner they see fit, you will have robbed them of that opportunity to see if it worked, if it was worth it, and should it come to it, walking away with their peace of mind.

Your job as a loving spouse is to give your beloved peace of mind, and be there to help as they want you to. You never want to be the reason for their ‘what-ifs’. And you also don’t ever want to be the reason for their unhappiness, now or in the future as they look back. Let them explore and grow to the best of their ability.

And it doesn’t matter what other people mistakenly think, as long as you and your partner are on the same page about the pursuit of your individual and mutual goals, and the journeys you are traversing, even if you don’t agree but support one another to allow each other the space and time to explore, that’s all that matters.

If your partner truly loves you, he/she will make the necessary adjustments to make their goals harmonious with your relationship, mutual goals, and both your and their individual goals, but it has to come from them. Support them, keep the communication going and, as a result, you’ll help each other to feel happy and satisfied within your romantic relationship, too.

 

Personal Growth Matters

Personal growth helps people to feel good about themselves and be mentally healthy and it can come in a number of ways. It could be learning to think differently, getting into better physical shape, getting better at running your household responsibilities, or reaching the top echelons of your industry. Make room for that.

You never want to be the person that stood in the way of your beloved’s dreams and personal growth, and you never want your partner to feel that way about you either. And when you love each other deeply, you will each make decisions that, on the whole, balance your respective needs, goals and wellbeing, and those of your relationship.

And remember that emotional support such as reassurance, encouragement and understanding, and practical support such as advice, assistance and information, work best, emotional support especially so, and that their happiness is your happiness, overall.

 

References

1. Hoppmann, C. A., Gerstorf, D., Willis,S. L., & Schaie, K. W. (2011). Spousal interrelations in happiness in the Seattle Longitudinal Study: Considerable similarities in levels and change over time. Developmental Psychology, 47(1), 1-8.

2. Vowels, L. M., & Carnelley, K. B. (2022). Partner support and goal outcomes: A multilevel meta‐analysis and a methodological critique. European Journal of Social Psychology, 52(4), 679–694. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2846

3. Vowels, L.M., Carnelley, K.B., Kumashiro, M., & Rowe, A. C. (2023). The impact of non-harmonious goals on partner support and taking on opportunities. Current Psychology, 42, 23166–23183. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03...

4. Gere, J., & Schimmack, U. (2013). When Romantic Partners’ Goals Conflict: Effects on Relationship Quality and Subjective Well-Being. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14, 37–49. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-011-93...

 

*Personal growth is incredibly important to the health and happiness of ‘healthy’ individuals. If this doesn’t fit with your experience of your partner, it may be because your partner suffers from clinical or subclinical narcissism in which case this article may help you to recognise that their true underlying motivation is not personal growth and that, despite giving it your best effort, the support and striving to make one another happy is fairly, or significantly, one-sided.

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Relationship Satisfaction & Commitment In The Transition To Parenthood

Joy & Satisfaction

Having children is meant to be filled with joy, growth and satisfaction. But we know that this is not always the case for everybody and that can be for a myriad of reasons.

Comments from parents, and their body language, can give conflicting accounts.

So, whether you are considering having children or are pregnant but worried, allow me to share three research studies to help you, and allay some of the concerns you may have.

 

Relationship Satisfaction And Commitment

Given the inconsistent findings regarding transitioning to parenthood, researchers set out to clarify some important effects of new parenthood on couples’ relationships.

Researchers tested relationship satisfaction and commitment trajectories of 203 couples expecting their first child, at six intervals: baseline measurements at 20-weeks pregnant, followed by assessments at 32-weeks pregnant, and 3-, 6-, 9- and 12-months postpartum [1].

They found that whilst 83% of couples maintained high commitment, 47% retained high relationship satisfaction. So whilst commitment was much more stable during the transition to parenthood than satisfaction, almost half of the couples maintaining high satisfaction is still a promising result.

Even more positive, though, is the fact that 46% of couples maintained both high relationship satisfaction and commitment whilst 35% of couples maintained moderately high satisfaction and high commitment during the first 12 months after the birth of their first child.

Thus, the researchers conclude that reports of declines in relationship satisfaction are not the norm per se, but rather, the result of a small subgroup that experience a steep decline in satisfaction during the transition to parenthood which then leads to a generalised perception of greater relationship satisfaction decline than actually appears to be the case for most.

 

Other Factors Matter, Too

Whilst the above gives you a promising outlook, what do you need to do in order to help ensure that you fall into the high relationship satisfaction and commitment group when it comes to your transition to parenthood?

Well, one other finding worth noting is that those with the highest perception of partner commitment, highest relational self-expansion (engaging in new experiences as a couple), and lowest attachment avoidance (nervousness about romantic closeness), were most likely to be those who maintained high relationship satisfaction and commitment during the transition to parenthood [1].

That right there tells us three key areas you need to improve, if required, in order to significantly improve your chances of maintaining high relationship satisfaction and commitment whilst transitioning from just the two of you, to parenthood:

Increasing how much you perceive your partner is committed to you, which could require changes on their part, your part, or from both of you.Engaging in new experiences together, of which there are plenty of opportunities relating to the pregnancy journey and enjoying life as new parents.Creating a secure attachment with your partner, which may require some simple but powerful changes to not only your current relationship dynamic with your partner but to other aspects of your life, too.

And yes, research finds you can change your attachment style [2]. I’ve had clients who have reported experiencing this themselves during their lifetime, and it’s something I help my clients with, too. So you don’t have to be stuck where you are.

 

The Transition To New Mum

In another study using data from a whopping 43,517 first-time mothers transitioning to parenthood who were living with the father as either a married couple or as cohabiters, researchers sought to uncover any factors that could predict relationship satisfaction declines and, potentially, recoveries, so as to identify areas that would benefit from prevention and intervention strategies [3].

These mothers reported on their relationship satisfaction, as well as sociodemographic, psychological, and behavioural factors, from 17 weeks pregnancy to 5 years postpartum (17 weeks pregnant; 30 weeks pregnant; 6 months postpartum; 18 months postpartum; 36 months postpartum; and 5 years postpartum).

So let’s see what we can add to the three areas of focus listed a short while ago – (i) perception of partner commitment, (ii) relational self-expansion, and (iii) adult attachment style – but this time, for first-time mothers, specifically.

Whilst most mothers in this Norwegian sample appeared to experience stable relationship satisfaction across the transition to parenthood, the significant factors that predicted relationship satisfaction decline included:

unplanned pregnancy;maternal social support (from people other than one’s partner);maternal history of depression (during their lifetime);maternal history of sexual or physical abuse (during their lifetime);postnatal depression;financial stress;sexual satisfaction; andchild negative emotionality.

That’s a lot of factors giving soon to be mothers, and those considering it, and their partners, eight more areas of focus for prevention and cure. And whilst you cannot go back in time, you can deal with problems they give rise to in the present in order to positively change yours and your relationship’s present and future, and the future of your children.

 

Prevention Is The Best Cure

In the final study I’m going to cover, researchers looked at how (a) a relationship intervention, (b) a co-parenting intervention, and (c) no intervention, would go on to impact the relationship satisfaction of 90 couples (30 couples in each group, randomly assigned) who were either married (86%) or cohabiting (14%), and transitioning to parenthood [4].

They were recruited at 6-8 months pregnant and were assessed on seven occasions during the first two years following the birth of their first child.

Both the couple relationship intervention and the co-parenting relationship intervention consisted of four 90-minute intervention sessions (6 hours in total); participants attended two sessions before birth and two session at roughly 3.5 months after birth. The two interventions focused on things like awareness, existing and potential relationship problems, parenting, problem-solving and planning.

The information control group, on the other hand, attended only a single 90-minute meeting prior to the birth and discussed topics such as budgeting, breastfeeding and common infant health concerns.

Importantly, in all 90 couples, either one or both partners had to meet at least one of seven risk factors based on previous literature on transitioning to parenthood so that the benefit of the interventions could be better tested. These seven risk factors were:

parental divorce (in the family of origin);father-to-mother violence (in the family of origin);currently not being married;a previous marriage;reporting that they were unsure they wanted to have a baby at this time;mild-to-moderate violence in the relationship as indicated when interviewed about physical aggression or injury (e.g. pushing, slapping); andmild-to-clinical levels of depressive symptoms, as indicated by their score on the Beck Depression Inventory II during pregnancy.

 

The Interventions Helped

Researchers found that, in particular, women and high-risk men in the couple relationship and the co-parenting relationship intervention groups showed fewer declines in relationship satisfaction compared with the information only control group.

What’s more – these gains continued throughout the two years of the study! That’s an impressive result for such brief interventions and after so much time had passed, demonstrating the power of working on your relationship in the right way, even for just a short period.

High risk men experienced significantly stronger benefits from the interventions compared to the low-risk men.

The women in both intervention groups also reported improved co-parenting and also reported experiencing less stress during the first year after birth.

Interestingly, the relationship satisfaction of the men in the control group (information only) did not significantly decrease over time and, importantly, the stability of their relationship satisfaction was roughly comparable to the women in both the couple relationship and parenting relationship intervention groups.

This could be because men tend to experience more stability and fewer challenges during the transition to parenthood. And that’s very positive for couples as one person feeling strong and stable can help keep the team steady in times of hardship.

A further positive outcome was the fact that women in both interventions experienced large improvements in parenting alliance initially and, in general, maintained medium effects two years after birth, whilst men’s parenting alliance even in the control group began high shortly after birth and remained high throughout the study.

Therefore, the relationship and co-parenting interventions helped the women to achieve the level of parenting alliance that their partners, especially low-risk males, already experienced without any intervention required.

Of course, for women, the number of stresses are much greater than for men following pregnancy and birth and the early phase of child-rearing because of the greater number of responsibilities and changes women face, so this makes sense but also creates an optimistic outlook so long as you work together and help one another through the changes and challenges.

 

Start With One

Both the couple relationship and co-parenting relationship interventions produced similar effects, thereby suggesting that a focus on either can produce significantly beneficial results. Therefore, whichever you feel more comfortable working on (first) is fine.

It is also likely that working on the co-parenting relationship will naturally enhance your couple relationship and satisfaction, and this is something I have found with clients of not just newborns, but of young children, too.

And as noted by the researchers, given the quality of the co-parenting relationship has been previously linked to various outcomes such as relationship satisfaction, quality parenting, and child adjustment, it is well worth dealing with either the co-parenting relationship or both your relationship and the co-parenting relationship, in order to give yourselves the best experience as you venture into this new phase of your lives, and give your child a better start to their development and life.

 

References

1. Leonhardt, N. D., Rosen, N. O., Dawson, S. J., Kim, J. J., Johnson, M. D., & Impett, E. A. (2022). Relationship satisfaction and commitment in the transition to parenthood: A couple-centered approach. Journal of Marriage and Family, 84(1), 80–100. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12785

2. Kirkpatrick, L. A. and Hazan, C. (1994). ‘Attachment Styles and Close Relationships: A Four-Year Prospective Study’. Personal Relationships, 1(2): 123–42. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1...

3. Kingsbury, M., Clayborne, Z., Nilsen, W., Torvik, F. A., Gustavson, K., & Colman, I. (2023). Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood: Results from the Norwegian Mother, Father, and Child Cohort Study (MoBa). Journal of Family Issues, 44(11), 2846-2869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X22111...

4. Doss, B. D., Cicila, L. N., Hsueh, A. C., Morrison, K. R., & Carhart, K. (2014). A randomized controlled trial of brief coparenting and relationship interventions during the transition to parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(4), 483–494. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037311

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Stress, How Couples Cope With It, And Relationship Satisfaction

Stuff Happens

Challenges are a normal part of life and relationships. Stuff happens. Sometimes unexpectedly.

And how you fare those storms can either lead to the (further) unravelling of your relationship and wellbeing, or to increasing the harmony and growth between you and within you.

But what happens when you’re in a romantic relationship? How do stressful events and your coping mechanisms determine your relationship outcomes?

 

Couple Coping Research

To determine how different types of coping between romantic couples, and levels of stress, impact relationship satisfaction, researchers analysed data from 57 different studies that contained 72 samples with a combined total of 17,856 participants [1].

The studies analysed positive dyadic coping strategies and negative dyadic coping responses; in other words, positive and negative approaches both partners of a romantic couple used in response to stress in their relationship.

Below are the examples they provided so that you can (a) easily make sense of the results I’ll share in a moment but also so you can (b) identify which you and your partner currently use and, if relevant, which you’d rather use so that you can make helpful changes.

 

Positive couple coping strategies:

stress communication (e.g. ‘I tell my partner openly how I feel and that I would appreciate his/her support’ and ‘My partner shows me through his/her behaviour that he/she is not doing well or when he/she has problems’);supportive coping (e.g. ‘I try to analyse the situation together with my partner in an objective manner and help him/her to understand and change the problem’ and ‘My partner shows empathy and understanding to me’);delegated coping (e.g. ‘I take on things that my partner would normally do in order to help him/her out’ and ‘When I am too busy, my partner helps me out’; or ‘I blame my partner for not coping well enough with stress’ and ‘My partner provides support, but does so unwillingly and unmotivated’); andcollaborative coping (e.g. ‘We try to cope with the problem together and search for ascertained solutions’).

 

Negative couple coping responses:

controlling coping (e.g. the non-stressed partner dominates the situation by taking charge and telling their spouse what to do);hostile/ambivalent coping (e.g. blaming the partner for not coping well, or providing support but believing that the partner should solve the problem without that support, respectively);overprotection (e.g. ‘My partner thinks that I don’t know what’s right for me’ and ‘I think my partner doesn’t know what’s right for him or her’);protective buffering (e.g. ‘My partner tries to keep his or her worries about me to him or herself’ and ‘I try to keep my worries about my partner to myself’); anduninvolved coping (e.g. the stressed partner’s perception that he/she is coping without any support from their partner).

 

Key Findings

From their analyses of the multiple research studies the researchers discovered the following:

1. For both men and women, there was a strong positive correlation between total dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction, where total dyadic coping refers to all aspects of couple coping by oneself, one’s partner, and both partners together.

2. Romantic partners’ own perception of their total couple coping was largely associated with relationship satisfaction. And this was the case regardless of the partner’s age, gender, education level, nationality, and length of romantic relationship.

3. The significant positive link between total couple coping and relationship satisfaction was found across studies regardless of whether the sample was from a community or clinic setting; participants were undertaking an intervention; the data samples contained one or both partners; and regardless of the type of relationship satisfaction instrument used.

4. Relationship satisfaction was greater when both partners were individually coping and when they were coping together, than when one partner was coping by themselves.

 

Key Takeaways

So two people making an effort – whether individually or together – is good for your relationship satisfaction.

And I would personally add that focusing on positive couple coping strategies is always going to be healthier too, as although negative couple coping responses may be connected to relationship satisfaction, that can be due to you having an unhealthy relationship dynamic, one that you may not even be aware of.

It might even be that you and/or your partner use negative couple coping styles due to learned behaviour (e.g. from parents) or bad habits you’ve engrained within yourselves through the course of your life, but negative coping will still be sabotaging yours and your partner’s wellbeing, even if you haven’t recognised that.

Plus, negative effects can take some time to present themselves which means it can take a while for you to correctly associate negative wellbeing and negative relationship outcomes to specific causes, whether the cause is a stressful life event such as a major illness or loss of job, or other people trying to disrupt your romantic relationship and happiness.

 

Long-Term Study On Stress & Couple Coping

In a more recent long-term study looking at stress and couple coping over a period of 4 years, researchers found that receiving supportive coping from one’s partner, and coping together as a couple, were more likely to result in relationship satisfaction than providing support [2].

Plus, more important for partners’ relationship satisfaction was the degree to which they provided one another with emotional support and problem-focused support, and avoided hostile/ambivalent coping, than how much they communicated with one another about their stress, hid their worries and concerns from each other, and took over each other’s tasks and responsibilities in a bid to alleviate stress.

As a coach who uses a goal-focused, solution-focused approach to help her clients (and do so quickly), and doesn’t believe in just ruminating over problems, this makes perfect sense. Results should always be the name of the game, whether working with a professional, or working on your relationship challenges yourselves, and being compassionate and empowering helps others to be happy, healthy, and achieve a lot more than they would otherwise.

 

Key Findings

Perhaps the most elucidating and empowering for all you couples out there, though, are these three findings:

1. The more one person was supported by their partner, and the more they were stressed overall, the more they experienced relationship satisfaction.

2. Dealing with the stress together and perceiving one’s partner as helpful were especially beneficial for relationship satisfaction.

3. Coping well together across several years was more important for relationship satisfaction than fleeting fluctuations from year to year.

 

From Strength To Strength

So, if life is bringing you stress – e.g ill health, overwhelming responsibilities, or job loss – know that by working collaboratively and resiliently to resolve the issues, you will ultimately strengthen your relationship satisfaction, and work towards your goals, happiness and life purpose as challenges always direct you to where you want to go.

And if malicious people are trying to damage your relationship or wellbeing, for example, family or ‘friends’, know that by coping well as a couple, you can simply say, ‘Bring it on, haters, because you’re just showing us who you are, and we’ll deal with it together, and increase our relationship satisfaction as a result. Thank you.’ [Hair flip optional. ;-)]

 

Welcome Challenges

One of the biggest blessings in life is overcoming challenges because it shows you what you are made of, thus strengthening your self-image; and equips you with new life skills that you will be grateful for.

And remember that people showing you who they are, is a huge blessing every single time.

So, work like a team. When you notice one or both of you is experiencing stress, ask or tell your partner what the source of stress is, compassionately listen to one another, generate ideas for solutions together, help each other to carry out those solutions, empower one another to take care of issues to the best of your abilities, and keep growing stronger and closer all the time.

 

References

1. Falconier, M. K., Jackson, J. B., Hilpert, P., & Bodenmann, G. (2015). Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 42, 28–46. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07...

2. Rusu, P.P., Nussbeck, F.W., Leuchtmann, L., Bodenmann, G. (2020). Stress, dyadic coping, and relationship satisfaction: A longitudinal study disentangling timely stable from yearly fluctuations. PLoS ONE 15(4): e0231133. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone....

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