Kelli Russell Agodon's Blog, page 32

Confession Tuesday: Just Say No

Dear Reader,

It's been one week of recovery, a lot going on and a lot I'm letting pass me by, since I've last confessed.


I have once again become the crystalized ginger (saying no, but kindly), but I wonder if I'm helping myself or holding myself back, let me explain...



To the confessional--



I confess I've been saying no a lot lately and to opportunities I once wanted.



In the last week, I've made choices that have me saying no to teaching at a low-res MFA program as well as being a writer in residence.

It's not as if I had been offered either job, but when the opportunity came up to try for them, I decided not to.

These are things that have been on my To Do list.  These are things I have asked the universe for, however when they showed up, instead of saying yes, I said no...or actually, "not right now, please."

I do want to do these things, I'd love to Poet Laureate of Washington, or larger or smaller, or teach in an MFA program... but my heart is saying, "not right now" and it's kind of scary to hear that.

I'll be honest, there is a part of me that wonders if I'm participating in the wonderful sport of self-sabotage.  I ask myself, "Are you afraid of success?"  "Are you afraid to try something new?"



My inner self says, "No, I'm just feeling pulled by too many things right now, too many of my own homemade projects (i.e. Two Sylvias Press and Crab Creek Review), too much going on in the family" but my ego says, "You aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing."



I'll be honest, I have a lot going on.



A lot of projects I haven't mentioned here yet because they are oh-so-new, in the just-being-born stages and I'm feeling pulled by so many wonderful ideas.  And I want to focus on them, complete them.



But they are not in any way "a real job" and while my goal in life has always been "never to get a real job," sometimes I question my decisions not to say yes.



Sometimes while I'm impressed with much of what I do, I see someone who loves down time more than money, fame, success, or anything else.  I see someone would would rather make art than anything else, even if it doesn't bring her one of the four signs of success above (money, fame, success, anything else).



My inner voice of NO scares me.  She wants her time more than anything.



Sometimes when the universe offers up the opportunity I think I've wanted and I don't say yes, I think "You are going to go under because of your ability not to try."



What I hope the universe hears is "Thank you, but it's not the right time.  Thank you, but I trust that you'll return again later.  Thank you, but I want you to know I have faith in these little side projects I'm doing that others think are an 'odd or interesting hobby,' but I have faith they are more."

I hope the universe is testing my resolve.  I hope the universe is saying, "I just want to make sure you believe in your art."  Because sometimes I feel as if I'm failing by not saying yes.


I've spent a long time learning how to say no, to say not now.  And I'm still not that good at in.



But I don't want to be overscheduled in life and maybe I'm leaving my phone line open for the right person to call with the right thing for me.  Though I'm not 100% sure what that is, except the belief that when I hear it, I will know.



Amen.

~ Kells



 

~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Poetry for All: Jeannine Gailey's New Book Now Available & My Book of Poems is $4.24 on Kindle: http://bit.ly/CheapPoetry

Okay, I don't normally promote my own book here, but in writing a review for the wonderful Jeannine Hall Gailey's new book Unexplained Fevers (which is FANTASTIC!)



I decided to check my own book, Letters from the Emily Dickinson Room and while the print copy is still $12.71, the Kindle eBook is only $4.71 here.



Anyway, that's the lowest I've seen it...ever.



So if you've ever been curious to what I write about or want to have your own copy (or own digital copy), this would be the time to buy.



Also, a great book of poems if you are someone who is trying to find calmness in a chaotic world (because really, that's what this book explores).













~ Kells



 
~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Confession Tuesday: The "I'm Not a Runner" / What Motivates Us Edition #NODM

Me with my Medal - happy happy joy joy





Dear Reader,



It's been a week and 13.1 miles since my last confession.

Yes, in that time, I ran (that is not a metaphor) a half-marathon.



I guess what I should say is I accidentally or inadvertently ran a half-marathon as that was not the plan, the plan was to walk it.  Or walk/run it with the emphasis on *walk.*



But what happened is what always happens to me.  I get impatient and just want something to end, so I tear my way through it.



So this half-marathon I had planned on walking, I actually ran what turned out to be a 12-minute mile in the end, with absolutely no training for a half-marathon, but having an overconfidence in my abilities and just being an optimistic jerk.  (I am feeling it today and yesterday in my legs, which are two ridiculous achy masses of overworked flesh.)



I am not a runner, but I play one on TV.  Or apparently for medals, which is why I said I'd do this race with my husband because why bother to do something if you don't get a medal? (Says the "I never won a trophy as a child" voice in my head.)



But this is a blog about creativity, not running, but this whole race made me think about what motivates, what pushes us towards our goal, and connecting with our own motivations and ambitions and how to use all of that for good.



To the Confessional--



I confess only a jerk would run a half marathon after zero miles of running or training.  The last time I put on my running shoes was last year's half marathon which I *walked* with my daughter.     I knew 5 miles in I was that jerk



and as that that jerk, this is what I learned--





1)  Sometimes you may be inadvertently training for something else. 



For example, I mountain bike, paddleboard, hike, and do yoga-- not at the same times and sometimes inconsistently, but the time I've put into these sports helped me do something else.



When I was planting my vegetable garden, I wasn't thinking the strength I developed lifting all those bags of soil would help me somewhere else, but it did.  Same with the long hikes I took with my golden retriever.  Or getting lost in Paris and walking six miles with my family in a daze and unbelieving how bad I was at reading a map.



We put time in one place and it helps us in another.



As poets, the time we put in writing poems may help us write that memoir fantastically because we use image and metaphor better than other writers.  As prose writers, we may be incredible editors as we read through pages and pages of our manuscript looking for mistakes.  As editors, we may be strong teachers because we see the mistakes poets and writers make daily just while doing our job.



So just because you're doing *one* thing, don't count yourself out for something completely different.



2)  Learn what motivates you and use it to make you do the things you dislike.



Truth be told, I hate running.  Yes, I just ran 13.1 one miles and I dislike running.  In fact, I don't do it ever except when there's a medal waiting for me at the finish line.  That is my motivation.



If you don't like marketing, but you like money, let the money payoff motivate you in marketing your book.



I am not crazy about market, but my payoff as a writer is when someone tells me my poem, essay, or story made a difference in their life or they enjoyed it.  When I do a reading, it's not about how many books I sell, but about how many people in the audience where moved or connected with what I read.



Figure out what motivates you in writing and use it for good.





3)  Being impatient is a wonderful gift.



I am terribly impatient with certain things.  If I'm in a rush and someone is lollygagging in the grocery store, I'm like a rabid weasel weaving around them.  If I'm uncomfortable, I immediately want that feeling over. I am not the noble one sucking it up for others' benefit, I'm the one standing up on the bus trying to open locked windows because I'm hot. (Note: this is not an example of my "best self.")



However, being impatient helped me finish the race.



Around mile 10, my legs began to tighten.  Around mile 11, they were in full inner cramp mode and they hurt.  I could have slowed down, but instead I found places to run faster-- my thought: let's get this race over with!  The more it hurt, the more I ran, knowing myself--I was going to finish this race whether passing out in pain as I went over the finish line or not, there was no maybe here.



In our writing, when we know we have to get something done by a deadline, we do it.



If we're feeling uncomfortable about something, the best thing to do is suck it up and send it off. Finish.



4) Optimism and overconfidence can take you places you've never been, teach you things, and bring you good stuff.



Okay, it would seem like being overconfident isn't a good thing.  Like deciding you want to cross a tightrope over the Grand Canyon when you're not prepared, but in writing and sometimes in life, it helps.



Why?  Because we try things we wouldn't have just because we believe in ourselves.



I wasn't planning on running, but I figured, hey, I'm in pretty good shape, I'll be fine.



Now, while my legs ache right now and I wasn't as "fine" as I thought I'd be, I did surprise myself in good ways.  I freaking ran a half marathon.



My optimism in "it will all be good" allowed me to sign up.  My overconfidence led me to run it, and the experience taught me some things-- such as take things (such as half marathons) more seriously and it's important to prepare.



But if you finish, you're rewarded no matter what.



5)  You can do more than you think you can.  Sometimes you just need to show up and run the best you can.



Life is about showing up, not being afraid, sucking it up, trying something new, and doing the best (or as close to best) as you can.



It's about not underestimating yourself, but believing (even if things don't work out) that they will.  Or might.  But you are going to have fun along the way and it's kind of amazing what we can do if we give ourselves a shot.










The reason I ran?  This guy, it was his birthday & that's what he wanted to do...



I'm going to write more in future blogs about motivation and I'm truly interested how we each find our energy to do what we do.



Life is funny.  Sometimes we sign up for things and expect to walk through them and the next thing we know, we are mach 2 with our hair on fire (a Top Gun reference for any 80's kids).  We are moving forward, thinking "well, if there's a zombie apocalypse at least I won't be last," realizing how much our bodies and minds can do if we really stretch them.



Yes, there can be pain afterwards, but like childbirth, we forget.  We forget and sign up again.

And there we have it--life.   Ignorance. Motivation. Satisfaction. Pain. Healing. Satisfaction again.



Was it worth it?  Hell yes (said in my best Beyonce voice).



I learned more than I would have staying at home.



And what I haven't learned is to stop (I'm actually on my way to go mountain biking today despite pain in my legs as I'm under the impression that it will make them *feel better*).



And I learned this lesson--  No matter what you're doing, no matter how slow or fast, you're doing it. And you're moving forward.



The lesson to all--

We may be slow, but we're lapping everyone on the couch.



Babysteps into the elevator...

And now with my medal.











Amen.



~ Kells



 

~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

For the NW Poets: A Class on Generating New Work & Getting Published @SusanRich_poet

Taught by Kelli Russell Agodon & Susan Rich



From 11-3 on Saturday, June 15, 2013.


We'll write from 11-2, then talk publishing your work from 2-3 pm.

We will also mail out a submission for you. . .seriously! And give you a template for a cover letter.





Cost:  $105

For Poets of all levels: beginner to published author



For more info go to:  www.agodon.com/classes.html



If you'd like me to hold a space for you, email me at kelli (a) agodon.com



3 spots left!



Hope you can join us!



~ Kells



 

~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Confession Tuesday on Thursday: The Swamped Edition (Or How to Stop Being an Overwhelmed Swamp Monster)Sel

Self Portrait with Deadlines





Dear Readers,



I confess I'm swamped.



I confess when I'm swamped the blog falls to the end of my list (and oddly, somehow procrastination and spending time on things I shouldn't be doing starts to slide up to the top.)



Though I'm getting a lot done, I do find in times where I feel completely overwhelmed (as I do this week), things like email and the blog are completely ignored and things like staring into space, checking Facebook, and oddly, going to websites (aka MSN, Twitter, & the HuffPost) that do me absolutely NO GOOD seem like a good idea.



Professionals call this "distraction."  Some people use it for other anxieties in their lives.  I use it when I feel I have so many deadlines I'm not sure where to begin or what to do.



And I know better.



I can handle a lot when it comes to multiple deadlines (I thank my early life at a corporate job for that "gift"), but occasionally, there's this tipping point, this point where my head hurts from looking at my To Do list.


It doesn't happen too much, more in the last 6 months than in the last three years, but it does happen to me.



What do I do when this happens?  Here's a few steps on how I get my life back in order--



1) Before bed, create a "Next Day" To Do List



-- I actually do this step in bed.  I write down (or honestly, I already have all these written down) ALL the things I have to do on this list.  Everything.  Every deadline.  Every task.  Every single thing that is on my mind.



If there's a specific email I know I should respond to, but haven't, I write that email down as well. Anything that I feel I've been "trying" to remember--from "I need to get coffee at the store" to "Turn in manuscript."



2)  Once everything is listed, number your TOP priorities or anything you must get done in the next two days with a #1.  



This is probably from the Cult of Franklin Covey, but it works.  You figure out your TOP priorities and well, put them at the top.



3)  Highlight your TOP 6 priorities.



One may be "buy coffee" --that's okay.  Now, on a separate piece of paper, put them in order of how you want to do them.



This is where Franklin Covey and I have words.  I'm sure Franklin would say, "Put them in order of their importance or priority," but I say, "Put them in order of how you want to do them, making sure there are a few 'easier' tasks on the list."  Why?  It feels GREAT to cross something off the list.

If you put "buy coffee" and happen to pick some up after you drop your child off at school, congrats, you are one less task from being completely overwhelmed when you get home.



4)  For extra credit, on the back of the paper with the TOP 6 list, put down what you'd like to work on next.  



These may or may not be your top priorities, but if you finish your TOP 6 list, if you're like me, you may need to know what to do next or you're "spin your wheels" when you're done ("spin your wheels" is a metaphor for "browse Facebook" btw).



5)  When you wake up the next morning, before you do anything else (well, except get coffee), LOOK AT YOUR LIST.



Seriously.  Then just start.  Give yourself a reward every time you cross 2 things off.


For example, on my writing residency, I told myself I could have breakfast (my favorite meal of the day) once my acknowledgments were done.  Okay, that's not really a reward, but a withholding, but that works for my personality.



6)  Do the things on your list without getting distracted with new things or the internet (or whatever your personal downfall is).  





7)  At the end of the day, make a new To Do List for tomorrow.



8)  Repeat 1-7 as needed until you are no longer a Swamp Monster.





 ~



That's it, it's how I do it.



The evening To Do list for the next day is my easiest way out of the swamp.



Also, if you ask why I have Top 6 instead of Top 3 or Top 5, the reason is, there are always a few smaller items that can put on your list that by finishing them make you feel better. I believe in small victories very much.

Also, by having 6, you're getting ahead more than the self that would only do 3-5 things.


I believe in the benefits of overachieving and aiming a little higher than what is normal.  This small stretch in everything you do will always benefit you.



~


I confess by writing this my head feels a little cleaner and while this post doesn't benefit ANYTHING on my To Do list, I feel better and am ready to get to work.


Amen.





~ Kells



 

~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Confession Tuesday: From a Writing Residency Edition

Dear Reader,


I am writing in a cabin on a cliff surrounded by blackberry bushes and ferns.  There are old madrona trees and California poppies, stairs to climb, and a small bunny that runs through the grass occasionally.



As they say in the Chicago song, "Everybody needs a little time away..."



To the confessional--



It's a lazy day of rain and writing, and by lazy I mean productive, but I am still in pajamas and will be in them most the day.



I confess there will be naps interrupted by genius ideas or spiders.



I am working on Hourglass Museum, ready to send it off to my editor, hoping I have made it better, stronger.



I'm not writing new poems for it, but just tinkering, making sure I haven't left out any small words, words I hear in my head, but have forgotten to put on paper.



Being on a writing residency disconnects me from everyday stuff that clogs my brain.



I confess I realize how much I need these just to clear my head, especially once I arrive.



Once my head is clear, I can see the manuscript opening up, expanding.  I can see my work in the right lighting, or place it in its best lighting so you can't see the concealer, the bags under its eyes, under my eyes.



If you have never gone on a writing retreat, you should.


You should take time for yourself to write, to go so deeply into your work that you feel this state of ecstasy.



By the end of this week, I will feel that too.  It's a strange feeling I ache for.  Though sometimes it scares me because it is so strong, and it worries me that what I feel is not in sync with what you will (hopefully) read.  It's a euphoria I do not feel when writing at home because after a day of writing at home, an evening of home life, of wearing other hats, begins.



Here I am only a writer, an artist.



I confess I think every writer should do this at least once a year if not more.



You should go on a writing retreat and decide to do this for yourself because no one else is going to give you permission.  You must choose yourself.



In this world, you must step forward.


You must say as a writer or artist, "I am worth it."



You must ignore what others think and choose you sometimes.



I confess this isn't easy to do.  People love to let you know what they think of your choices, how you are living your life, how you are raising your children, how you _____________________ fill-in-the-blank.



What they forget is the "your" infront of the word "life."  Not "their" or "my."



We each create the life we want and if you're not happy with it, there's this wonderful thing called choice, called action, called changing plans.



I confess this post is just as much for me as it is for you.



My brain is saying yes to art right now.



I confess I love this place.  I confess I love hearing the rain drip on the blackberry vines and having no other place to be.


Amen.





~ Kells



 
~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Writers-- Think of yourself as an athlete:

~ Kells



 

~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Confession Tuesday: Just Create Edition

Dear Reader,



It's been a crazy week.  I've been noticing conflicts happening all around me, opening my side door, sneaking into someone else's back door, and wandering down the street.  Even the news is strange, all of it though returns me to art and creating.



So let's talk about it.  To the confessional--



I confess when conflict happens I feel this intense need to back away, to get small, then I come out with this overwhelming desire to fight, to push back, to live an even more expansive writing life.



Expansive?  Is that the word I'm looking for?  Expanding, stretching, an artistic life that leans in to listen.



When there are challenges, I move to writing, to creating, to art.



The more I feel my time, my art, my creativity, my work are being challenged, the more I see myself like this--





me as a Halloween cat.



Like cat from Red Dwarf (she says wondering who will get this reference?), "I'm gonna make myself big."



In the end, the things people can never take from you are not things.



No one can ever take away your education, your creativity, and your choice to create (or not to create).



I confess there will always be challenges in life and we all have our own ways to deal with them.

Retreat at first if you must, but come back swinging.

Shut the door to the people who bring you down.

Use your energy to create.



Let karma take care of the rest.


Amen.





~ Kells







~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

Confession Thursday: On Being Rejected as a Writer or The WTH? Edition

All rejection letters should be so kind (and funny)





Dear Reader, 



I usually confess on Tuesday.  I usually tell you all the things I've been up to, or thinking about, or yadda yadda yadda...on Tuesday.



But it's not normally 80 degrees in Seattle in May.

It's normally warm enough to go paddleboarding and mountain biking.



None of this is normal, so apparently, my confession isn't either.  So let's begin...



To the Confessional--



I confess when I read what Cheryl Strayed wrote for a status on her Facebook page, I was thankful.



Here's what she wrote:



Going through a drawer I found the submissions/applications log I've kept off and on over the years. Just in case you think it's all been roses I'd like to report that Yaddo rejected me (as recently as 2011). McDowell rejected me. Hedgebrook rejected me twice. The Georgia Review rejected me and Ploughshares rejected me and Tin House rejected me, as did about twenty other journals and magazines. Both The Sun and The Missouri Review rejected me before I appeared in their pages. Literary Arts declined to give me a fellowship three times before I won one. I've applied for an NEA five times and it's always been a no. Harper's magazine never even bothered to reply. I say it all the time but I'll say it again: keep on writing. Never give up. Rejection is part of a writer's life. Then, now, always.



I confess I like it when writers tell you they are rejected, they still have doubts about their writing.



~



I confess I am working on the final of my manuscript that is due the END of this month and I question myself.



I question myself, my work, my ideas, my vision.

I look at a poem and roll my eyes.



Here is the dialogue that goes on in my head as I take poems out and put them back in:



Poem, you are not the beautiful thing I thought I created, you are just a page filler and I can't stand you.



Poem, I'm sorry I took you out, you're not as ugly I thought, I'll put you back in, but somewhere new that will improve your beauty.


Poem, you're hideous, leave the manuscript now.



Poem, I'm sorry, why was I so hard on you? I can see your subtle features.



Poem, I'm over you again.  I've found a new poem, a better poem.  



And so on.  For hours.  Me revising.



~



I confess rejections hurt more.  Some days rejections don't hurt at all.  Most days, they're just annoying like mosquitoes that won't let me enjoy my veggie burger.



Some days being a writer is sitting around a campfire toasting marshmallows.  Occasionally, you lose one or two marshmallows to the fire.  Occasionally, one marshmallow will turn out perfectly.

Mostly, you rush through the toasting of the marshmallow and burn it.



What's worse than rejection?  Never trying.

What's worse than rejection?  Not submitting.

What's worse than rejection?  Feeling afraid to be rejected.





What's worse than rejection?  

Not living the life you want because someone else said no.



~



I confess the older I get, the more I do what I want, despite public approval.



I confess the older I get, I still want to write the best poems and essays, and I want people to like it.



But negative reviews won't stop me.



I'll write for the ones who like Green Rivers, Mexican chocolate, and keylime pie.  I'll write for the ones who love postage stamps and typewriters.  I'll write for the ones who adore hedgehogs and could spend the days watching clouds.



This is my perfect audience.



And when doubt comes in, I'll confess it still haunts me, but I push through it.

And I hope you do too.



A favorite quote from Sylvia Plath:  



       I love my rejection slips. They show me I try.



Amen.



~ Kells



 
~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon

It's Okay. Writers should be strange.

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Write about the strange.



~ Kells



 

~ Don't Miss a Post ~ Subscribe to Book of Kells by EmailKelli Russell Agodon
www.facebook.com/agodon