Tansy Rayner Roberts's Blog, page 59

Friday Links is Watching July Disappear into the Distance

Hey July! You and I had a lot of stuff to get done, didn’t we? How are we going with that, then? July? JULY DON’T LEAVE ME, IT’S TOO SOON!

Ahem. It’s been a busy month. Yesterday was Alexandre Dumas’ birthday, and I spent a good chunk of it writing 1000 words of sports commentary for an imaginary sport I made up for Musketeer Space. It allowed me to channel some deeply held misery that has been lurking in my heart since Cesc Fabregas signed with Chelsea. LET US NEVER SPEAK OF IT. Part of the commentary will appear in Chapter 16 (yes I’m that far ahead!), and the rest will be published in a future issue of the Musketeer Space newsletter of extra content that I send out for Patreon supporters of the $3 per month level and above.

In the mean time, links! I haven’t been as linky lately, and I’m sorry for those of you who miss it as a regular feature of the blog. It may be a phase. Anyway, I have several weeks to catch up on, so here we go!

I appeared on the SF Signal podcast talking about Space Opera – it was super fun!

An interesting post was doing the rounds on my various social media spots today, explaining exactly why Australia Post is suffering so badly at a time when Australians are using online shopping so much more than ever before (and the effect this is having on our book industry).

I’m a bit excited about the upcoming Batgirl relaunch, mostly because it looks like DC are finally trying to aim the comic at young women, and moving it away from the grimdark sensibility that is an unfortunate factor in ALL Bat-related books these days. But no one is more excited about Batgirl’s cool new outfit than Supergirl!

Ambelin Kwaymullina gave an extraordinary speech at Continuum this year, which was emotional and affecting for all who witnessed it. She’s now put up a version of it online to read. Also the reading list she promised us is available on the Continuum site.

Judith Tarr is rereading Melanie Rawn’s The Dragon Prince for Tor.com – I’ve never read Rawn before, but I’m thinking of giving this one a go.

Big Finish Audio are celebrating their fifteenth anniversary, and many Who-famous people have chimed in to talk about what makes their business so special!

The Ferrett on crowdfunding – it’s not just about producing an idea or a product, it’s about giving your supporters an experience. Why some worthy campaigns fail, and some frivolous campaigns are ridiculously successful – and what can be learned from potato salad.

Misconceptions about flappers – what they really wore.

No Award on Power, Abuse, Fandom.

Musketeer Space Part 10: The Weight of the Solar System

It’s Musketeer day! I love Musketeer day. This chapter has Dana doing Covert Operations, Athos doing Backstory, and Why TeamJoust Is An Awesome Sport. Also, Grimaud! I am a bit enamoured of Grimaud.

This week’s news includes the third of my BBC Musketeers reviews for Musketeer Media Monday: It’s Raining Musketeers is a super spoilery look at the last three episodes of the show.

I also wanted to give a shout out to this great post at overtheeffingrainbow.co.uk – is that a great web address or what? Lisa fangirls over both the BBC Musketeer series AND Musketeer Space, with a bonus Kermitflail gif for emphasis, which made me grin all over my face. I’m very glad when any reader tells me they are enjoying this story – which does feel like something of a departure from my usual fiction – but I am especially gleeful when someone who deeply loves the original novel likes what I’m doing. Because, you know. Liberties Are Being Taken.

Though every time I go back to the original material, I take comfort in the fact that my own banterific, comedic take on the story isn’t remotely out of place. Dumas was a comedy genius, with swords and hats. His Athos, while every bit as angsty and tormented as you might expect, also gets some of the funniest dialogue.

So without further ado…

Start reading from Part 1

Missed the last installment? Track back to Part 9

Main Page & Table of Contents

PREVIOUSLY IN MUSKETEER SPACE: Dana D’Artagnan came to Paris Satellite to become a Musketeer pilot, and has ended up as a Mecha cadet instead. At least she has three Musketeers as her new best friends – and, thanks to her new landlady, a sinister plot to uncover.

NOW READ ON!

This chapter is dedicated to Katharine. Thank you so much for supporting Musketeer Space!



PART 10: The Weight of the Solar System

Dana’s head was full of turmoil as she left Madame Su. A royal scandal was the last thing she wanted to get mixed up in! But if this was a chance to get one over on Rosnay bloody Cho, it was worth the risk.

She wanted to ask the advice of Athos and the others. Surely they knew more about how to get a royal audience than Dana did. But all three of them were flying border patrols today, and this wasn’t the sort of conversation to have over comms channels.

No, Dana was going to have to handle this herself. It would at least make a good story when she joined her friends for supper later.

The only good part about this whole suspicious affair was the ship. Madame Su had a decade-old scout venturer stored in the civilian dock, and was happy for Dana to fly it down to Luna Palais rather than cadging a lift on official transport. The thought of having a helm wrapped around her skull again was enough to make Dana sing and dance. She missed having her own ship so badly that it hurt.

If only she had hung on to the old Buttercup.

Dana made her way through rows and rows of ships on E Dock, searching for the code that matched the keypass Madame Su had given her. It wasn’t here – she was too far along, and would have to go back a block or two.

As she spun around, she saw a ship that she recognised.

No. It couldn’t be that – there were plenty of Moth fighters, even those of the very latest generation. The fact that it looked exactly like the Moth that Dana had docked next to on Meung Station meant nothing.

Only…

The closer she got, the more she felt certain that it was the same ship.

Dana heard voices, and backed up into the shadow of a tricked out vintage Sabre with flames painted across its hull.

It was her. Ro, or Cho, or whatever her name was now. The pilot with the long black hair stepped out from the Moth, speaking into a clamshell tablet that was the same colour as her rose-coloured flight suit. “Don’t speak to me like that,” she said furiously. “Of course he’s fucking secure. You’re the one playing mind games. Are the friends going to prevent her getting to the moon or not?”

Dana heard another voice, low and male and melodic, coming out of the clamshell. “With friends like these… who needs enemies?”

“That’s not an answer, Milord.” Never had a formal title been spoken with such heavy sarcasm.

“You put your pieces in place, sweetness, and I’ll worry about mine.”

Rosnay snapped the clamshell closed, gave a short scream of frustration, and then strode away from her Moth, heading for the sphere-lifts. She made another call before she got there, this time through a comm stud in her wrist. “Foy. Check in with me in three hours on the Stellar Concourse. I don’t fucking care what I said about your rec-hours. Right.”

The sphere-lift hissed open and swallowed her up.

Dana breathed in and out. She had no idea what any of that meant, but she would remember it for later. Milord. Was that the same Milord she had seen with Ro on Meung Station, the one who looked far too aristocratic to be in a dive of a bar like that? They were in it together, then, whatever it was.

Her eyes turned back to the beautiful, gleaming Moth. Was this it? Was Madame Su’s abducted husband right here under her nose? Dana didn’t dare try to break in on her own. Who knew what kind of security layers were built into a ship like that?

Perhaps Planchet would have a trick or two. The kid seemed handy with electronics.

First things first, though. Dana had promised Madame Su she would fly to Paris and get a direct message to the Prince. She had time to check on the ship before she made a decision about the Moth. Dana tracked back along the dock until she found the right row for the Su scout venturer.

As she approached the right zone, Dana felt her senses prickle. She leaned casually into a recharging station as if checking the instructions, and glanced around. No one in sight. And yet…

She could see the Su scout, squat and greenish-grey on its dock platform. There, caught in the glare of the flat lighting in this area, she saw two shadows beneath it that were shaped like people.

Not just people, by their stance. Guards. Sabres, perhaps? Or Ro’s less official allies? There was a military feel about them.

The Su family had certainly got the attention of the wrong people.

Dana backed the hell up. She kept walking until she was at the sphere-lifts, and then let them pull her up, away from the civilian dock. She didn’t breathe properly until she was back in one of the shopping plazas, surrounded by people.

How the hell could she get off Paris Satellite discreetly? She didn’t have a ferry shift until tomorrow.

Her brand new stud, the one she had been issued along with her mecha when she signed the contract with Commandant Essart, chimed suddenly with an unfamiliar code. Dana stopped at the nearest set of privacy booths and slipped into a soundproof cubicle before accepting the call. “Hello?”

Planchet’s face, all worry and freckles, appeared in the air before her. “Are you alone?” she hissed.

“Yes, what’s all this about?” Dana remembered the scout. “You have to tell Madame Su -”

“She’s been arrested,” said Planchet, looking like she was about to cry. “Four Sabres turned over her rooms. They took her away. I hid under the clothes printer, waiting for them to leave, but they didn’t! I mean, two of them left with her, but the others are still there. I don’t know what to do.”

Dana thought with regret of her own room, which she couldn’t reach without going through Madame Su’s workshop. “Can you get out of there without them seeing you?”

“There’s the heating ducts, I suppose,” Planchet sniffed. “Do you think they’ll arrest me too?”

“I don’t know. Better not find out. Meet me here -” And Dana gave Planchet the address of the apartment Athos shared with his engie Grimaud. “Wait in the bar next door if you have to. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” She hesitated. “Do you know how to bust the security of the latest generation of Moth fighter, by any chance?”

“If I downloaded the manual, maybe.” Planchet brightened. “I’ll do that before I leave.”

“Only if you can do it silently!” Dana urged. “Don’t take any risks.”

She made her away across town, heading for the district where Athos lived, worrying about Planchet the whole time. The girl was a born mechanic, but didn’t have much in the way of survival instincts.

When Dana arrived, though, it was to find Planchet happily ensconced at Grimaud’s kitchen counter, eating a second helping of freshly printed pie.

“Thanks for looking after her,” said Dana.

Grimaud nodded, then looked more closely at Dana and took off her headphones. She looked odd without them. “You’re looking for Conrad Su,” she said.

Dana hesitated, unused to hearing so many words out of Grimaud’s mouth all at once. The previous total included two ‘hellos’ and a ‘good’ over the span of several weeks. Dana looked accusingly at Planchet, who shrugged with her mouth full. “She asked.”

“Do you know Su?” Dana asked, still trying to recover from the fact that Grimaud was acknowledging her existence.

Grimaud rolled her eyes. “Number 18,” she said. “Emerald Knights.”

“That makes no sense at all.” No, wait. The Emerald Knights. Wasn’t that… “Are we talking about TeamJoust?” Dana said finally. “Sports?”

Grimaud smiled with all her teeth. “The game we conquered space to play,” she said in a tone that bordered on the religious.

It was near the end of the patrol shift, which meant Grimaud was due down on Crown Dock to meet Athos and give the Parry, Riposte a once-over. Before she left, she set Dana and Planchet up with a recording of what was apparently the most famous Zero G TeamJoust game of the previous year.

Thanks to Porthos, Dana had taken something of an interest in Zero G TeamJoust since her arrival on Paris Satellite. She knew who most of the teams were, at least, though had barely got started on learning about the players.

The fact that Prince Alek of Auster, husband to the Regent of the Solar System, played in the 0-League had a lot to do with the Regent’s current high popularity ratings. Alek was fit, fashionable and utterly fanciable. Dana had seen a few clips of his games in the past – he was an unforgettable figure with those brilliant emerald eyes and matching hair, even in the vaguely unflattering armour padding.

This time, she was watching his other teammates. It turned out that Conrad Su was not just the Prince’s tailor but his jousting partner. Along with a feisty female pole-defence called Laurel Slaughter who had only joined the team recently, they were the Emerald Knights, one of the most popular TeamJoust squads in Paris.

“Everyone knows about this game,” said Planchet. “It was the last fleur-de-lis match of the season, just before Joyeux. Chevreuse – their previous pole-defence – she sprained her ankle, and the Prince called in a replacement at the last minute. Drove the audience wild, and the bookies too.” She nodded at the screen.

The replacement was tall and statuesque, with a wide white smile and reddish brown skin that matched her long, frizz-curled hair. Even beneath the padding, you could see the muscle on her from shoulder to thigh.

“She’d never played 0-League before, but everyone knew who she was,” said Planchet.

Dana looked again. The woman was vaguely familiar, but it was hard to tell in the helmet as she bounced back and forth in the air before the cams, a large pole tilted in one hand. “She’s famous?” she hazarded.

“She’s the Duchess of freaking Buckingham!” Planchet’s mouth was full of the sandwich Grimaud had made for her before she left – apparently Planchet’s freckled face cried out to be fed. “Georgiana Villiers, or Buck to her friends and the tabloids. Ambassador of Valour.” She nodded at the screen. “Social media exploded when this was announced. She’s got 11 million followers, and they were all fan-acing the game like crazy.”

“I don’t know what most of those words mean,” said Dana. “She’s popular, then.” The Duchess of Buckingham. That was the one that Madame Su had been so sure was implicated in an affair with Prince Alek. Did it count as a conspiracy if it had been televised?

“It was a brilliant game,” said Planchet, skipping to the highlight montage. “That’s Mr Su. Madame’s husband. He doesn’t spend much time at the workshop because he lives down at the Palace most nights, but he’s all right.”

The Emerald Knights celebrated their win with the age old manner of hugs, rude gestures and butt-patting. Nothing unusual in that. Conrad Su was stocky where Prince Alek was tall, but he had the same combination of silver scales over golden skin that marked him as a native of Auster. His hair was coloured bright blue, contrasting with the Prince’s green. He also had to be at least thirty years younger than his wife. “Go Madame Su,” said Dana, impressed. Her taste in men was much prettier than her taste in fashion and wall decor.

The cam feed slowly scanned the crowd, capturing the joy, winces and general hubbub of the Emerald Knights supporters.

“Slow it!” Dana said sharply.

Planchet did so, and gave her an odd look as the audience footage crawled to a near-standstill.

Dana had spotted her friends. The Three Musketeers. Dana had been dragged to several TeamJoust matches with Porthos, but neither of the others had shown much interest in the game.

Here, though, they all sat together in a tangle, right behind the players’ bench. And there weren’t three of them, there were four. A woman with bright purple hair, an Emerald Knights jacket and fierce green face-paint sat with her feet on Aramis’ lap, her head thrown back against Athos’ shoulder. When she saw the cam slide past her, she screwed her face up and roared directly into the lens, which looked very strange in slow-mo.

Who was she?

Dana heard a throat clearing, and looked up to see Athos in his own doorway, regarding her with that flat, unblinking gaze he often used to unnerve people. It had been a while since he had turned that expression on her.

“We’re watching a game,” she said hesitantly.

“So I see.” He dropped his heavy jacket at the door and headed for the kitchen corner of the apartment. “Turn it off, Grimaud.” His engie appeared behind him, mouth pressed shut.

“Don’t tell her what to do,” Dana said, annoyed at him.

“Turn it off!” Athos roared. He looked furious. “I didn’t know you even still had that.”

Grimaud gave him a filthy look, and turned off the vid. She gestured for Planchet to join her, and they went into the other room.

“Are you drunk already?” Dana demanded. “You’ve only just got off duty.”

“Believe me, I am extremely sober,” he snarled. “And if you’ll excuse me, I plan to do something to rectify that.” He began searching his cupboards. “Grimaud, where is my whiskey?”

Silence from the other room.

“Conrad Su has been abducted,” Dana said quietly.

Athos stopped for a moment. “I see. Well, that’s not surprising.”

“Not suprrising?”

“He’s close to the Prince Consort. That means he knows all sorts of things that other people would like to know. I’m sure he’ll be returned in due course, that’s how it usually works.”

“He’s been gone three days.”

Athos finally located the bottle he had been looking for, wedged behind the food printer. “That is troubling,” he admitted. The anger had dissipated now, with no real sign of what had caused it.

“His wife suspects the Cardinal is involved, through an agent called -”

“Well, yes,” Athos said patiently. “She probably is.”

Dana could have hit him out of sheer frustration. Instead she watched as he poured several measures of whiskey into two glasses, drank one, added ice to the second, and rapped a code into the food printer.

“Don’t you think someone should do something about it?” Dana demanded eventually, while the printer hummed to life.

Athos poured a fresh drink for himself, in the glass without ice. “This is palace politics. Believe me, I have been playing this game since before you were born…”

“You would have been ten,” she snapped.

“I started young. You don’t want to get involved, D’Artagnan.”

The printer chimed, and Athos removed a roast beef sandwich from it. Dana was distracted for a moment, staring at it.

Athos picked up the whiskey glass with ice and the sandwich, and went and rapped on the inner door of the apartment. Grimaud opened it after a moment, and glowered at him.

“I am very sorry for shouting,” said Athos, sounding sincere. He gave her the peace offerings.

Grimaud took the plate and glass and closed the door again, with a nod.

“Now, where were we?” he said as he returned to Dana and more importantly, his drink.

“You were about to explain to me what happened at a certain fleur-de-lis match last Joyeux, when the Duchess of Buckingham played on Prince Alek’s team,” said Dana.

He gave her a dirty look. “I’m incredibly certain I was not going to explain that.”

“Come on, Athos!” she exploded. “You were there. I saw you on the cam, with the others. If something happened that night, you know about it. You could just tell me!”

Athos sighed. “You have no idea what you are getting into here, little one.”

“I’m not a child.”

“It was a bad time for all of us.” He met her eyes. “Some things are better forgotten.”

“I agree with you,” Dana said calmly. “Right up to the point that it comes back to bite you on the arse, thanks to the enemies of the Crown.”

He regarded her steadily for a moment, and then had another swallow of whiskey. “There are two different forms of TeamJoust: cinquefoil and fleur-de-lis. You know the difference?”

“We get sports broadcasts all the way out on the rim, you know.” Though in truth, Dana had paid little attention to TeamJoust before Paris. She knew that cinquefoil was melee-style, five jousters per team, and it was brutal. Fleur-de-lis was three per side, played in a sequence of one-on-one until the final melee spar. It was generally regarded as the more civilised game, because fewer people got seriously damaged while playing it.

“You’ve got the game right there in front of you. The Fleur-de-lis showdown of the century. The Emerald Knights were playing the finals against the Night Witches, but Chevreuse busted her ankle three days before the game.”

Dana nodded. “Chevreuse was their third teammate?”

Athos’ tone was almost fond. “Former minister of Public Relations. Used to give the Cardinal absolute hell on the Palace Council. Nice legs. Excellent pole-defence. And just good friends with Aramis, since you’re after all the dirt.”

Dana certainly knew enough to understand what ‘just good friends with Aramis’ meant. She reached for the remote that Grimaud had left behind, and called up the image of the cam panning the audience. “Is that her?”

The woman with the purple hair and Emerald Knights colours, pulling a horrid face into the cam feed, then laughing.

“That’s her. She insisted we all take her to the game anyway. I had to carry the wretched woman to her seat.” Athos didn’t sound like he had minded much. “Chevreuse, Conrad and Alek were unbeaten that season. She practically threw herself off a balcony when she realised she wouldn’t be able to play the match against the Witches. It looked like they might have to forfeit. But – did I mention Chev was a political genius?”

Dana couldn’t believe she was feeling jealous of this woman who had been friends with the Musketeers – her Musketeers – before she came to Paris. This was ridiculous. “No, you didn’t.”

“Well, she figured out the loophole in the rules. If anyone subbed for her in that match, it wouldn’t count as the same team, and they’d lose the ‘Invincible’ claim for the season. But since Buck – the Duchess of Buckingham – was an Ambassador to Paris, there was a legal twist that allowed her to take on the duties of any member of the Palace Council, as if she were that person. And, you know, contracts are sacred.” Athos was smiling again, in a good mood as he thought about his friend. He even poured Dana a drink of her own. “Brilliant move. So Buck took Chevreuse’s place, they beat the Night Witches 6-3, and the rest is history.”

Dana leaned in. “And?”

“There is no and.”

“A few minutes ago, you were furious I was bringing all this up again. And the twist ending to the story is that their team won and everyone was happy? I don’t buy it, Athos.”

That flat face again. “Something happened,” he admitted. “But don’t ask me what, because I worked damned hard to not know the details. There was a party afterwards, and things got out of hand. Sometime in the early hours, Chevreuse asked me to delete some security cam footage as a favour to her, which I did. I assumed it had something to do with Prince Alek, but I. Didn’t. Ask.” His blue eyes blazed at Dana. “And if I knew anything, I wouldn’t tell you. Because we serve the Crown first.”

“The Crown first,” Dana agreed quietly.

“The Regent knew about it, whatever it was. Buck was sent on a tour of Honour, with the expectation she would not return to Paris during her contract as Ambassador which, incidentally, is just about up. She should be heading home to Valour any day now. And Chevreuse…” Athos sighed, looking tired. “The Cardinal had been trying to get her fired for years. Within a week of that damned game, the Regent stopped protecting her. Chevreuse has been living in exile ever since. Artemisia, I think.”

Artemisia was one of the cities in orbit around the ocean world of Truth. Dana had visited there once – a nice enough place. But it wasn’t Paris. She didn’t feel jealous of Chevreuse any more.

Athos reached for the bottle of whiskey again. “Those are the stakes you’re playing for, sweetness, when you get involved in this Palace shit.” He glanced up at her, eyes steady. “Or are you already involved?”

“I don’t think you’d better drink any more,” Dana said. “Not if we’re going to rescue Conrad Su from the Cardinal.”

A smile played over Athos’ mouth. It looked different, with the beard so close-shaven. “I don’t believe I volunteered. Madame Su isn’t my landlady.”

Dana leaned in. “Are you going to make me say it?”

“Don’t say it, D’Artagnan,” He threatened, but it was a teasing voice and nothing like the unexpected anger that had flown out of him when he first arrived.

“All for one…”

Athos hissed and set the bottle down. “Really? You’re seriously pulling this? You’re not even a…”

“And one for all,” finished Dana.

He glared at her for a long time. “I’ll call the others.”

“Good plan.”

You have been reading Musketeer Space, by Tansy Rayner Roberts. Tune in next week for another chapter! Please comment, share and link. Musketeer Space is free to read, but if you’d like to support the project for as little as $1 per month, visit my Patreon page. Pledges can earn rewards such as ebooks, extra content, dedications and the naming of spaceships. My next funding milestone ($200 a month) will unlock a special Christmas story.

Roman Snark and Other Bedtime Stories

New book out! Tehani at Fablecroft is releasing a couple of e-volumes of my collected essays from this very blog. First up is 50 Roman Mistresses, based on a fun retelling of history I did first for Women’s History Month some years ago, and then more recently when I did a “Rock the Romanpunk” blog carnival in honour of my Love and Romanpunk collection.

50 Roman Mistresses is not a history book so much as me telling you a bedtime story based loosely on my PhD thesis – on Good Girls and Wicked Women of Roman history, on the use of the title Augusta, on coins and statues and sex scandals and Vestal Virgins.

Here are fifty extraordinary women of Ancient Rome—virtuous wives and adulterous vixens, abductees and viragos, imperial mothers and mortals who became goddesses, all taking their place in history.

Reworked for publication, this is a novella-length work of pure historical snark that pretty much shows you what it’s like inside my head.

You can buy 50 Roman Mistresses at: Amazon/Kindle, Kobo and Smashwords, for a price somewhere in the vicinity of $2.

If you enjoy the book, please review it on the site where you bought it! Reviews are basically book kibble, these days. Don’t starve the books you love.

Soon to come: Pratchett’s Women, the Unauthorized Essays – with a bonus, never-before-seen extra essay on Monstrous Regiment, written just for the book!

It’s Raining Musketeers – the BBC Musketeer Edition Part III (2014)

This is the last special BBC edition of Musketeer Media Monday for July – three for the price of one! You can read my previous reviews of this series here:

Looks Good in Leather (the BBC Musketeer Edition Part I)

You Can Leave Your Hat On (the BBC Musketeer Edition Part II)

And you might also like to check out my other Musketeer Media Monday posts – Musketeers Are All For Love (1993) and Musketeers in an Exciting Adventure with Airships (2011).

The last three episodes of the season have a lot of drama and angst, so I need to start off by showing you this vid about Tom Burke, and his World Cup seat. Whenever Athos gets too miserable or drunk or overwhelmed with tragic backstory, all you have to do is remember that he has Roger. They’re gonna be okay.

BIG SPOILERS after this section, for the final run of the season, honestly, don’t read this at all. Just go watch them. They’re really good. There are NARRATIVE SURPRISES in each episode that are best enjoyed as the directors, writers and Roger the horse intended.

I did warn you.

8. The Challenge.

D’Artagnan has no hat.

All the other Musketeers have awesome hats, and blue leather cloaks with many buttons, and pretty armoured shoulder-patches which I believe Aramis hand-crafts in his spare time. D’Artagnan has none of these things. This whole not being a Musketeer thing is getting him down in a sad, sad way.

Luckily he and Constance are finally having sexytimes, which is somewhat cheering, but while they indulge in a happy afterglow of their love affair, everything else goes to hell around them.

Vinnie Jones guests in this episode as a thug from the provinces who has been gathering taxes for himself, burning down farms and biting people’s ears off. D’Artagnan’s farm is destroyed, leaving the young Gascon penniless (while at the same time explaining how he has managed without a proper job for the series so far).

There’s a Big Fight going down, because the Cardinal and Captain Treville are squabbling like schoolboys, so the King has declared a champion fight between the T-Birds and the Pink Ladies the Red Guard and the Musketeers.

D’Artagnan is desperate to be chosen as the champion, because he might impress the King and thus finally win himself a Musketeer cloak (and a salary). But he’s not the only one who wants the honour… everyone’s going to compete! But they have to pay a fee to be in it.

A classic Musketeer theme from the novel is that the lads were so badly paid that they needed the women in their life to financially support them. Wealthy mistresses for the win! In this episode, that idea is explored quite thoroughly.

Aramis and Porthos go “fishing for widows” (in church no less) in order to find women they can seduce into paying their entry fees for the contest. Meanwhile, the two women in D’Artagnan’s life both want to help him with his money problems. Porthos blags his way into a warm bed and earns a gold-plated candlesnuffer for his trouble, but accidentally ends up in a genuine relationship. D’Artagnan lets the mysterious Milady pay his way, not realising that Constance was willing to hock her best tea service to support him. Aramis has to dodge a lot of yappy dogs as he returned to one of his old reliable mistresses to earn his purse. No one EVER ASKS how Athos got his entry fee, but he is the only one who does not explicitly receive the cash from a lady he has slept with.

He does, however, have a brief but passionate hate-snogging session with Milady in a public street, so don’t feel he’s missing out on anything.

Constance’s husband Bonancieux has only had a minor role in the series thus far, notable for not noticing anything that’s going on under his nose whether it be his handsome lodger flirting with (and now sleeping with) his wife, or Constance hosting political meetings with her Musketeer chums. This week we get to know him better, and his comic relief side slips into something more sinister.

Bo Poraj (who I only just realised is that bloke off Miranda) does a great turn as the preening, self-important tailor who is willing to spy on his wife’s activities for the Cardinal – then turns dark and blackmaily when he discovers (finally) that she’s not only sleeping with D’Artagnan, but in love with him.

Poor old Constance has the worst time in this episode, going from snuggly bliss with her new lover to worry that he’s falling in with the glamorous and dangerous Milady again, and finally despair when her husband makes her choose between D’Artagnan’s love or his life.

For everyone else, the episode is basically non-stop fight scenes and saucy bedroom antics, with a side of political intrigue. Treville nobly tries to take one for the team when he realises his champion will be up against a maniac and temporarily loses the respect of Athos who is furious he is sabotaging D’Artagnan’s only chance to earn his stripes. Vinnie Jones is terrifying and brutal as the Cardinal’s pet violent criminal. But we also finally see the extent to which Athos, Aramis and Porthos have faith in D’Artagnan and his worthiness to join them as a Musketeer.

Luckily, the king agrees with them.

I defy you all to watch the final scene without a slightly wobbly lip. Especially when everyone else figures out what’s going on a second or two before D’Artagnan does, Aramis provides a certain bit of leathercraft that he has been working on for just such an occasion, and D’Artagnan comes THIS close to bursting into tears.

He still doesn’t have a hat. Or a girlfriend any more. But he is, finally, a Musketeer.



9. Knight Takes Queen.

This is the episode with the homicidal nuns. That is basically all you need to know. Musket-loading, brandy-molatov-cocktail-wielding, arse-kicking nuns.

It’s also an episode that is largely about Aramis, his hat and his big soulful eyes, and about Queen Anne, who literally lets her hair down at the beginning of the episode and keeps it that way until the very end. Weird things happen when the Queen lets her hair down. Assassination attempts, charred fish, and illicit sex, for the most part.

Muskets, muskets, muskets. Short ones, long ones, powder packets, how to load one, how to fire one, and so on. You can basically smell the gunpowder pouring off this episode. If you have a fetish for eighteenth century ballistics, this is the episode for you.

Our four (squee!) Musketeers have guard duty in a pretty glade while their Queen enjoys the healing waters of a forest spa. Aramis starts out delighting in the joys of being in the country, but within a couple of days is suffering from city-withdrawal and the desperate need to shoot something.

Athos and Porthos dedicate their “holiday” to sparring with new Musketeer D’Artagnan, which basically means trying to scuff, scrape and scratch his brand new armour until it is properly broken in. They take particular delight at slashing directly at his fleur-de-lis armband, and dragging him along the ground in the dirt. It’s a sacred duty.

Back in Paris, a Comic Relief German and his sporty daughter flirt delightedly with the King, who is getting more and more irritated with his marriage and lack of heirs, and sees in Charlotte the perfect wife. He lets slip to the Cardinal that he wishes Anne were dead so he could start again with a lady who might actually enjoy sex with him (and more importantly, HUNTING AND OTHER FUN THINGS), and the Cardinal responds a little too efficiently to the King’s desire.

Enter Milady, and her assassin-hiring skills. The spa holiday is about to be horribly interrupted.

On the run from the would-be killers who are pursuing them through the forest, the Musketeers and the Queen have to rough it in the wild. Aramis makes himself useful by punching fish with his shirt off, and Anne makes herself useful by cooking the fish. Let’s just say that Aramis is a lot better at punching fish than Her Majesty is at cooking. But the looks on the Musketeers’ faces as they dutifully swallow down chunks of fishy charcoal out of politeness are totally worth it.

While D’Artagnan and Porthos head for Paris to call for reinforcements, Athos, Anne and Aramis take refuge in a nunnery which is the most gorgeous piece of architecture-as-character since the House of Athos. The nuns are tough as old nails and refuse to leave under parley, choosing to stay and defend. The Mother Superior is magnificent, providing a cache of weapons for their use (usually reserved for shooting squirrels and Protestants), hefting furniture, using a mighty axe at one point to cut the rope of an invading soldier. Her greatest moment, however, is when she demonstrates her musket-loading competence to Athos in the heat of battle.

Athos’ face = “Adopt me.”

Aramis meets his long lost love Isabelle, now Sister Helene, who manages to gently point out that his big tragic backstory is a bit pants really, based on a romantic ideal of himself as a teenager which doesn’t match reality. She is a great nun, with a special badge in brandy-making. (Worth noting: he recognised the brandy before he recognised her) Sister Helene goes on to stab an invader in the leg, and invent the molatov cocktail. If it wasn’t for the Mother Superior, she would be the best nun. Sadly, she also dies heroically. Damn it.

There’s a big plot-related romantic interlude that happens in this episode. Which I wasn’t going to spoil, but you know, the title is a bit of a giveaway. This is the one where Aramis and Queen Anne hook up. The show had been teasing this idea all along – and what I like most about the timing is that while it happens at the height of Aramis’ grief and emotional breakdown (thus giving him at least a slight excuse about the Very Bad Decision), this particular twist in the story tells us a lot more about Anne than Aramis, and adds to her character journey. She isn’t seduced, but chooses to make a move on Aramis, just as she chooses her own path during the siege. As will be explored in next episode, her night with Aramis is symbolic of Anne taking power in other parts of her life. Every time she plays the passive queen from this point onwards, it’s pretty damned obvious that she is doing it deliberately.

Also the look on Athos’ face when he finds them in bed together is one of my favourite things about this show ever. Never mind hats, nuns and treason, pretty much this episode is all about Athos’ face.

Athos’ face = “Not enough brandy in the WORLD, Aramis.”

The siege is a brilliant piece of action staging, and the final rescue including all of the fake Musketeers, and good old Serge the cook with his musketoon Cleopatra, is wonderful. I am particularly impressed with the use of quiet moments, like Athos rolling the last musket ball to Aramis, in between all the shouting, shooting and explosions.

Back in Paris, we’ve been watching Milady and the Cardinal become steadily unhinged, taking out their collapsing tower of cards on each other with venomous fury. This is their worst plot ever and as Milady scurries to fix the damage throughout the episode, she makes some pretty major mistakes. In particular: she’s used her forget-me-not signature once too often, so Athos is on her case; and she’s used the same perfume once too often, so D’Artagnan is also on her case.

IF ONLY THESE TWO MEN WERE FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES AND COULD SOMEHOW COMPARE NOTES.

10. Musketeers Don’t Die Easily

It is impossible to review this episode without spoiling the hell out of it. This is your last chance to go watch it first. Please do that.It’s worth it.

Is there a TV Trope for that episode when all the main protagonist’s friends turn into dicks for no apparent reason, making the protag feel isolated and miserable? It used to happen at least once a season in Buffy. For the first ten minutes or so, that’s what we get here.

This is the episode where Milady’s plans for D’Artagnan finally fall into place.

Athos gets blind drunk, mauls Milady in the street, and finally confesses his tragic backstory to his friends at musket-point which is like at gunpoint but you have to reload after a single shot. Milady entreats D’Artagnan to save her, which helps Porthos and Aramis figure out that Milady is his mysterious patroness – they then manage to point out very loudly that this means he has shagged his best friend’s wife (obviously the most important and helpful detail right now). Athos shoots D’Artagnan, catching him in the side, and all three Musketeers abandon him bleeding in the street. So much for the Bro Code!

The next day, Captain Treville finds D’Artagnan recuperating in Milady’s bed and apologetically lets him know that as Athos refuses to serve with him now, Treville has been forced to choose between them. Guess who loses his hard-won commission? Not the Musketeer who got drunk, threatened his wife and shot a fellow Musketeer in the street.

Miserable, wounded and abandoned, D’Artagnan is completely ready to be turned to the Cardinal’s cause.

This would make for a horrible episode of The Musketeers if it wasn’t for the fact that this is a hustle. Because our boys (including Treville) all basically got together at some point in the three months since the last episode, talked out their issues, fist bumped in a manly way, and schemed a scheme to get one over on not only Milady, but the Cardinal himself.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

I do think it’s hilarious that their scheme requires Athos to get genuinely drunk and then shoot D’Artagnan to wound him. It didn’t occur to anyone that maybe he should just pretend to be very drunk.

To prove himself to Milady, D’Artagnan now has to kill Athos – cue more public theatre, including blood in a pig’s bladder, and a fake funeral at which Porthos and Aramis heckle Treville to make sure he says enough nice things about poor dead Athos (and then Porthos actually tears up a bit because he’s the emotional type). The Musketeers are way too good at this lark. I like to think that if they ever lose their commissions, they will be able to make a living as the best grifters ever, knocking over casinos and fooling fat merchants out of big bags of gold.

Funnily enough, getting Athos killed doesn’t make Milady as happy as she thought it would. Which is probably a good thing for her to know? We also get some insight into Milady’s early criminal past, before her marriage, when she is forced to call upon Saracen, her slimy original employer from her pickpocket days, played with deliciously theatrical malevolence by Sean Pertwee in eyeliner.

Sean Pertwee in eyeliner is equal favourite with Voguing Tara Fitzgerald as my favourite guest star from this season.

Everyone gets strong scenes in this final episode, including the unravelling Cardinal, the imperious Queen Anne (finally embracing her own power as her relationship with the King shifts), the stoic, reliable Treville (who once again is in on the plan with the boys because he is the most tolerant boss ever and always up for a merry jape) and the implacable, inseparable Musketeers.

Constance is kidnapped for a large part of the story. Which was stressful for me the first time I watched it, well aware of how her story ends in the book. I was also a bit miffed that after a whole season of Constance being Not The Damsel, the show finally cashed in all their damsel cards at once.

But Milady using Constance as D’Artagnan’s vulnerable point is a classic and important aspect of the original story, so there’s also that. It would suck if Constance in Danger was a regular thing in every episode, but the abduction works well in the finale because it shows the layers of mistrust and insurance that Milady always factors into her schemes – she doesn’t even reveal that she has Constance until after her original plan has fallen apart, and Athos has pulled his ‘guess who’s not dead, HA now you know how it feels’ act on her.

Milady’s face = “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”

Until the final sequence, which is a glorious piece of High Noon/Wild West shoot out choreography that shows off our Musketeers and their manly skills to dramatic perfection, Constance is not treated like a game token but as a proper character, and the abduction is mostly used to progress her own character rather than that of the men in her life – she gets to be brave, resourceful and defensive under extreme pressure, and both times she escapes under her own steam she only fails to get away because Milady is faster and meaner.

The title of the episode, “Musketeers Don’t Die Easily” is spoken twice, once by Milady and once by Constance. There’s a lot of doubling and reflection in how these two women interact with the story and the Musketeers, and while I normally spit on the trope where the heroine fights with the lady villain while the men get on with fighting the manly villains, I appreciate every scene that these two have together.

I also think that the scene of D’Artagnan fighting Sean Pertwee in eyeliner works within this trope – Saracen is plainly the second string villain next to Milady, which means that actually the boy is fighting the boy sidekick while Constance and Milady face off against each other.

I honestly believed that Milady might kill Constance every step of the way, and it was bloody terrifying. I was muttering a lot of: “Now would not be a good time to stick with canon, show! I need Constance’s face to stay attached to the rest of her!”

There are many resolutions in this episode, which ties everything up gorgeously as a season of television – but still leaves many tantalising threads for the future. I was refusing to Google anything in fear of being spoiled, so didn’t know for certain there would be a Season 2 until it was done – but yes there is, and everyone is “contracted for the long term”, except for the Cardinal because of BLOODY DOCTOR WHO (I’m not bitter at all, just Capaldflicted, I’ll get over it when I see what a good Doctor he is, I’m sure, but oh he was the best Cardinal, and that look on his face at the end when he was maybe putting things together about Aramis and Anne, will we ever get closure on that or is he basically running to a monastery straight after that?).

One of the most splendid thing about the scenes in which the Musketeers reveal the Cardinal’s wrongdoing is the way that they bring Queen Anne in on the ruse, so that she is the one with the power over him once all is revealed. In fact, though she is peripheral to most of this episode’s plot, Anne’s increased power as a Palace player is a major shift in the narrative, and very promising for next season. The final final final reveal, in which the Cardinal obviously thinks she has dobbed on him to the King, only to discover that actually the King and Queen have a Happy Impending Event to announce (which will change the power dynamics of the Palace forever), is delicious largely because Anne is doing absolutely NOTHING but smiling, and yet that smile tells us everything about who has beaten who.

Yes, Cardinal, Queen Anne beat you by getting herself knocked up by a Musketeer, and she enjoyed herself in the process. The lady knows how to multi-task.

As ever, the entire scene is made better by Athos’ face, with a bonus side helping of Aramis’ face as they both work Really Hard to hide the big secret that could well get them killed one day.

In conclusion, I love this show. You got that already. But a big part of why I love this show is because it is an unashamedly emotional show about male friendship, and the emotional wellbeing of soldiers. I love that it’s a show that revolves around male action heroes and yet doesn’t throw women under the bus – the women of the The Musketeers are dangerous, passionate, clever, and lead their own stories. And not just our three main female characters – there are interesting guest roles for women in nearly every episode, and even the one-episode-love-interests have complex lives and their own rich stories.

Ninon’s flirtation with Athos is arguably the least interesting thing that happens to her in her story, in which she has her life towered, is put on trial as a witch, and spreads feminism all over Paris and beyond. Sister Helene is much happier as a nun than she feels she would have been married to Aramis – and while he’s felt guilty about ‘wrecking her life’ all these years, it turns out she actually chose the veil with genuine enthusiasm. Flea won’t give up the Court of Miracles for either of the men she loves. Alice knows she won’t be happy married to a Musketeer, and after her first experience of marriage and widowhood, she’s confident enough not to compromise on that point. All of these women are interesting enough to be a part of the story regardless of their romances.

Also, platonic friendships! Aramis gets laid more often than all his friends put together, and yet his most interesting scenes with women are often those which are not motivated by sex or romance – with Agnes and her baby in The Exiles, giving Ninon spiritual guidance in A Rebellious Woman, and with Constance in every scene ever.

The Musketeers didn’t have to be a show about women too – they had every excuse to make it Mostly About The Blokes And Their Hats – but it’s a better show because it is about so many diverse characters, and different kinds of strength, power, love and friendship. It takes so many action tropes that are usually All About Male Power (spaghetti western & cockney mobster in particular) and shows how they can actually be more nuanced and interesting with friendship, love and loyalty explored along with the muscles and swordplay.

And it’s funny. And their faces. And the sword fights.

And their hats.

D’Artagnan still doesn’t have a hat.

Maybe next season.

This post has been brought to you by the patrons of Musketeer Space.

ROBOTECH REWATCH 8 – Beauty Queens and Battloids

Robotech will be rewatched after these messages! The message that this episode is trying to convey is mostly that it’s not a good thing to screen a big distracting beauty pageant during a major military operation, especially if all your pilots and air traffic controllers have the ability to change to the ‘beauty pageant’ channel during combat.

I really wish I was kidding.

This weekly rewatch of classic animated space opera Robotech is brought to you as bonus content for the Musketeer Space project. Thanks to everyone who has linked, commented, and especially to all 47 of my paid patrons. You can support Musketeer Space at Patreon.

Episode 9 – Miss Macross

Macross City is thriving – they now have a new fake sky thanks to Robotech research (who are obviously trying to make up for that whole ‘whoops the fold engine disappeared on our watch’ debacle), and now the Miss Macross pageant, just in case any young women in the city weren’t feeling sufficiently crappy about themselves.

Ah, living in the future.

Minmei was entered in the contest by the mayor, which makes me give him the side-eye even more than last episode – presumptuous, much? Still, we already know that Minmei wanted to be in the pageant back on Earth, so it could be that she’s just saying this to make Rick feel less threatened.

The glitzy Miss Macross pageant, with its ship-wide telecast and blazing spotlights, is the first sign we have that the civilians are building their own celebrity and entertainment culture along with all those other urban luxuries.

Rick, meanwhile, is supposed to be on patrol, but the bridge crew can’t find him. He’s ditched his duty assignment to watch Minmei in the pageant.

The show occasionally gives us tiny glimpses into characters outside the main ensemble, and how this crazy space situation has affected other lives. This week we get Jan Morris, a genuine movie star who happens to have been on Macross Island during the disaster, and is now trying to make a ‘comeback’ among the plebs. She is snotty to Minmei, who approaches the actress with a grubby piece of paper instead of a proper autograph book.

Rick manages to catch just enough of Minmei’s performance in the pageant to discover that she doesn’t really have a boyfriend (news to him!) and that the only Special Boy in her life (probably him) is someone she thinks of as a brother. Grumpy about this, since he’s been calling her his girlfriend inside his own head for months now, Rick is then embarrassed to be hauled out of the pageant thanks to a robot phone – Lisa Hayes is on the warpath and he should be in space already.

He’s probably going to miss the swimsuit parade.

Still, Rick has a new armoured Battloid to play with, so it’s not all bad. Lisa tells him off for using it, though – he’s not supposed to waste new equipment on a routine patrol. It’s too late to put the special toys back, though, so sucks to her.

Instead of being remotely apologetic for his unprofessional behaviour, Rick brats out, flicking to the channel showing the Miss Macross pageant rather than listening to Lisa, and pretending they are picking up interference when she tried to communicate actual information to him. This is pretty risky behaviour just for the sake of seeing a girl he likes in a one-piece… especially as she seems to be unaware that they are even dating!

Meanwhile, three Zentraedi pilots attempt to spy on the SDF-1 through their communication channels – and get quite an eyeful of bikinis, spotlights, men and women talking to each other, and all kinds of other things that make no sense at all. The whole experience is kind of traumatising for them.

“Why would they give her such skimpy armour that only protects a small portion of her body?”

The Zentraedi spies muse on the possible strategic value of the swimsuit.

Rick is so busy ogling Minmei that he fails to notice the Zentraedi ship in time. Luckily for him, the Zentraedi ship is piloted by Konda, Bron and Rico, who are also watching the pageant instead of actual space. It’s amazing that they don’t all blow each other up – oh wait, they do. The Zentraedi return to their fleet with no recordings of the freaky pageant, and Rick Hunter’s brand new Battloid just voided its warranty.

What’s worse, the bridge crew don’t immediately notice what has happened to Rick, because they are ALSO watching the Miss Macross pageant instead of their instruments. I despair for the human race.

Over in the First World Problems division, Minmei trips and falls on the catwalk, because her Girl Next Door act includes artful flaws. Or possibly because she’s not used to wearing heels. Either way, she figures she has flubbed her chance.

In the audience, Roy suggests cynically that the movie star Jan Morris is bound to win and this whole thing is set up for her benefit. Ben and Max are skeptical, reminding him that it’s a popular vote. Fingers on buzzers, audience members!

To everyone’s shock and surprise (mostly Jan Morris’ shock, poor old duck), Minmei wins.

Rick, recovering slowly in his damaged Battloid, harnesses his priorities long enough to check in on the pageant (physically changing to that channel instead of radioing for help), and sees Minmei with her crown and flowers. He’s proud of her, but for how long? It’s going to be even harder to keep her attention now…

Micronians go home, I am retracting your license to fight a space war.

Musketeer Space Part 9: Madame Su’s Bed and Board

It’s Musketeer day again! And it’s exciting because this week, we have plot, so much plot. It’s kicking off good and proper now.

I guested this week on the SF Signal podcast, talking about space opera, why it’s awesome, and talked a little bit about this project too, though not as much as I talked about Saga and Robotech. It was a great group discussion and I hope many of you who have followed me back and forth between Verity and Galactic Suburbia hop over there to check it out.

If you haven’t yet had a chance to catch up on my Musketeer Media Monday posts for the month, there are two reviews of the 2014 BBC Musketeers series up: Looks Good in Leather and You Can Leave Your Hat On. They are quite spoilery but also talk a lot about hats, which I feel is important in a Musketeer review.

But on to the space opera version – which, I will admit, suffers from an extreme lack of hats. I might have to do something about that…



Start reading from Part 1

Missed the last installment? Track back to Part 8

Main Page & Table of Contents

PREVIOUSLY IN MUSKETEER SPACE: Dana wants to be a Musketeer pilot, but she’s stuck in the Mecha Squad. Thanks to her Musketeer friends, Athos, Aramis and Porthos, she’s doing okay, but that doesn’t mean she has any forgiving thoughts towards the mysterious pilot Ro who screwed her over before she even got to Paris Satellite.

NOW READ ON!

This chapter is dedicated to Deborah Layne. Thank you so much for your support!

PART NINE: Madame Su’s Bed and Board

Two months after her arrival on Paris Satellite, Dana could acquit herself with a minimum of embarrassment when it came to her duties for Mecha Squad Essart. She almost never blew things up unintentionally. She had made a few mates here and there, amiable chaps you could chat to while you checked your gear and ran through safety drills, or shared a long shift of guard duty in the dodgier areas of the Luna Palais dome.

Home was still Paris Satellite, and despite Porthos, Aramis and Athos’ mostly successful attempts to draw her into their gambling-drinking-screwing-around habits, Dana had managed her credit well enough to think about getting digs of her own.

Nothing fancy, but it would be nice to have a berth where she could sleep without worrying that she was getting in the way of Grimaud or Bonnie, or risking the state of Bazin’s soul circuits. Not to mention that she preferred not to wear out her welcome with her actual friends.

Quite by accident, while searching for affordable digs, Dana also found herself an engie.

After flooding her brain with unnecessary ads for luxury accommodation she could never afford, Dana’s chip had finally locked in the filters she needed.

Unfortunately, all the other temporary vagrants on Paris Satellite were better at this sort of thing than she was. Every time she made her way to an address she thought she could afford, it was only to discover that someone else had got there first.

At least Dana was learning her way around – or so she thought until she set out to locate a boarding suite on level thirty eight, only to find herself in a small warehouse full of machinery for hire – games devices, clothes printers, art tablets and transporter cubes. Everything looked second hand and well maintained but it still wasn’t what she was looking for.

“Damn,” she said aloud.

A teenager with pigtails slid out from under a small holo-flyer. “Hello!” she said cheerily. “You look pissed off.”

“I’m in the wrong place,” Dana said, consulting the map in her hospitality chip again. “Or this is glitching again.”

“That depends what you’re looking for.” The girl, who had improbably red hair, light skin and freckles, leaped to her feet and wiped oil on to her coverall.

“Well, it’s not Madame Su’s Bed and Board, is it?” Dana asked. Tiredness washed over her. This was almost enough for her to give up and return to the rent-free bunk waiting for her on the moon. Almost, but not quite. She’d still never managed to sleep through the night Down There.

“Of course it is,” said the girl with a cheery smile. “Madame Su is out looking for her husband. I’m her assistant.” She stuck out a hand which was still slightly oily. “I’m Planchet. Hey, you’re not a Pigeon, are you?” Her eyes lit up at the realisation that Dana wore the Royal Grey uniform. “Do you have an actual mecha? That’s beyond extreme. Do you need an engie? I qualified all my certs last year, but I can’t get a spot.”

“We’re not the Musketeers,” Dana said, as if she needed a further reminder of this. “We don’t hire our own engies.”

“Oh,” said Planchet, her face falling. “I knew that. I applied to the Pigeon pit crew last year, but they want more experience. It’s kind of hard to get experience on mecha up here, you know.”

“Yes, I can imagine.” Dana looked around the messy warehouse. “You said this is a boarding house?”

“Not a house exactly,” said Planchet. “There’s a spare room over the workshop, though, and Madame Su doesn’t charge much.” She looked a little embarrassed. “I work my board. But that wouldn’t be a problem for you, would it? You have a real job!”

“You’d think,” Dana muttered. The truth was that her credit was only creeping very slowly into the black. While she had gained many benefits from her friendship with the Musketeers, she found their excessive socialising quite expensive to keep up with.

This did not look like a place that would charge through the roof but if she was to be surrounded by the clanking and crashing of machines being mended all the time, then the orbital benefit to her sleep patterns would fast disappear.

“I suppose you can tell Madame Su I was here,” she started to say doubtfully, when the landlady herself appeared.

She was a stocky woman, perhaps fifty years old, with her shiny black hair entirely lacking in grey. She wore a fashionable suit of orange silk and eye-blindingly green embroidery, and she had several pearl studs running up both arms from wrist to elbow.

“Planchet, it’s worse than I thought!” she howled, then stopped and looked at Dana. “Can I help you, pilot?”

Pilot, Dana thought, warming to this odd woman straight away. “I was hoping to see the room?”

Madame Su sniffed at her. “Got many things? What’s your job? You’d better have pay coming in regularly or I’m not going to let you in at all. Valuable stuff here, you know.”

Dana touched the collar of her grey uniform. Did the woman think this was a fashion statement? “I work for Mecha Squad Essart. Royal guard and ferry duty working out of Palais Luna? I need a berth here in the city for occasional shift sleeping. But I’ll pay full rent, of course…” She stopped.

It was when she said ‘Royal guard,’ she decided later, that Madame Su’s face had taken on that odd, stricken expression. After that… well, Dana had barely managed to inspect the clean but bare room above the workshop before she had a clamshell tablet shoved into her hand with a contract ready to sign, and a rent that was suspiciously low for a space in which you could actually turn around and possibly entertain a friend or two.

There was a catch. There had to be a catch. But Dana could not afford not to take advantage of whatever it is made the old lady so very anxious.

Now all she had to do was buy a bed, a pillow and a food printer, and wait to discover why it was that Madame Su was so keen on having a Royal guard living above her warehouse.

It took three days, which suggested that the landlady was either more upset than Dana imagined, or in less trouble than she had imagined, or else was so suspicious of everyone and every thing that it took her that long to build up her courage.

In any case, three days after Dana took on the little room above the warehouse, her landlady decided to call in the favour about the exceedingly cheap rent. Madame Su invited her new tenant to take tea with her in her own sitting room, which displayed the same combination of lavish fabrics and gaudy fashions as her own clothes.

Today’s suit was pink and striped, with a pattern of lilies on the lining of her sleeves and hems. It clashed with the orange and red Future Deco wallprint.

“Madame Su,” said Dana over a cup of rather weak green tea. “Are you in trouble?”

At this, her landlady burst into messy and noisy tears.

Horrified, Dana stared at her cup, wishing she had invited Aramis to spend the evening with her. Aramis had a soothing voice and the ability to pat people comfortingly on the shoulder in just the right way. In fact, Aramis was less than ten minutes away if she took the express walkways and the turbo shuttle, and Dana was overwhelmed by the compulsion to call her instantly and claim an emergency. Even Porthos would be more use in this situation than Dana herself.

Dana did not know how to be comforting. She could barely manage polite, most days.

“It’s my husband,” Madame Su howled. “My darling Conrad.”

“Is he dead?” was the first thing that Dana thought to say, and this led to more noisy tears, then some horrific snorting. “Sorry. Not dead. Is he – “ All the things she could think of to suggest were … perhaps not things that should be said out loud. She took a deep breath, instead. What would Aramis say? “What’s wrong?” she tried, and patted Madame Su’s hand awkwardly.

“That woman,” said Madame Su, hiccupping now. “That awful woman has him.”

Wonderful. And now it was down to Dana to dispense advice on how to be dumped? She sent a silent curse in the direction of Monsieur Su, wherever he was. “Maybe you’re better off without him?” she tried.

Madame Su’s back straightened, and she gave Dana a murderous look. “How can you say that? How does that help me? He might be dead. Or worse.”

Worse than dead. Dana found herself surreptitiously glancing around the room to see if there was any booze on display. Anything would do at this point. Her friendship with Athos, Porthos and Aramis had taught her that cheap wine had as much to offer a thirsty pilot as the fancy stuff.

“I knew that spoiled brat at the Luna Palais would be the death of him,” Madame Su muttered. “Prince my freckled arse. Never let your husband join a sporting team, it all ends in tears and treachery.”

“Can we start at the beginning?” Dana asked in a small voice. The sooner her landlady explained what was going on, the sooner she could get to that lovely bed that had cost her the last of her financial buffer.

Tomorrow’s dinner would take her into the red, unless she could scab dinner off one of her friends, but that was tomorrow’s problem.

Madame Su gave a hoarse, raspy breath. “You have a kind, sympathetic face, Mecha Cadet D’Artagnan.”

No I don’t. Get on with it.

“My husband Conrad works at the Palace down on Luna Palais. He’s a tailor. Quite the best of tailors.”

Dana resisted the urge to ask if Conrad made all of Madame Su’s suits. They were something else.

“He works for that selfish Prince Consort,” said the landlady, her face twisting up as bitterness came through in her words. “That’s why he married me, of course, you’re not allowed to work in at the Palace without a marriage or priesthood contract to prove your morality.” She sniffed at Dana. “Different for guards and pilots; they prefer you not to be hampered with spouses and families. I sponsored Conrad through his final years of apprenticeship,” she added, with a spark of something like pride. “Three years I’ve put into him, and now I’m finally recouping on my investment, though they don’t pay him nearly what he’s worth, it’s tantamount to slavery, and look at him now, not appreciating what he has, not thinking about me for a second. Intriguing with his master. Whispering in corridors. Getting into trouble. He’s going to ruin everything for us!”

Dana was utterly lost in this sea of accusations and panic. “What kind of trouble?” she ventured.

“He’s been abducted,” Madame Su hissed conspiratorially, after first glancing around to check no one was listening at the door. “I knew he would come to no good, but I hoped for more than twelve months of Palace pay checks before it all came crashing down!”

Dana was starting to feel sorry for darling Conrad. “Abducted by a woman?” she ventured.

“Not for love,” Madame Su hissed. “He would never do that, he’s a good boy, he knows better than to break a contract with me, another seven years and he’ll be free of all obligation.”

Dana wondered if she would be able to cope with ten years married to a Madame Su in exchange for her own dream job. Conrad must be made of stern stuff. “So who abducted him, and why?”

Madame Su patted her hand. “I knew when I saw you, that you’d be useful to have around the place,” she said happily. “You’re tough, everyone says so. Dana D’Artagnan can look after herself. You did agree to help me out around the place when anything came up suited to your skill-set,” she added.

Yes, Dana had been well aware of that clause, and had signed the rental contract anyway, because a year of good sleep for a fraction of her pay had seemed like a good deal whatever the hidden costs turned out to be.

Hello, hidden costs, I’ve been waiting for you to turn up.

“Are you saying you want me to find your husband?” she asked finally.

“Yes, before he makes it worse.”

“Worse than being abducted?”

“He knows secrets!” Madame Su said, too loudly, then shushed herself “Palace secrets. He’s been there among them, and I think he knows too much about…” and there she pressed her lips together.

“You have to tell me everything or I really can’t help you,” Dana groaned.

“Someone has eyes for someone else,” Madame Su said, barely above a whisper now. “At the very highest level. Where a broken marriage contract could – be very damaging. You understand?”

Oh, not this. Dana did not want to know about this. Adventure, yes, intrigue, was all very well. But the marital escapades of anyone high up at the Palace was exactly what she did not want to know.

“The Prince was approached recently,” Madame Su said in a dark voice, confirming Dana’s worst fears. “By someone digging for dirt on his marriage. My Conrad swore the Prince was innocent, but there must be something in it, mustn’t there, or he’d just tell the Regent that the Cardinal’s out to get him.”

All this and the Cardinal too. Dana groaned inwardly. She had thus far managed to avoid the attention of the famously ambitious and powerful leader of the Church of All.

“If her Eminence can prove the wrongdoing of one, then she could take the solar system from the other,” Madame Su whispered loudly. “Our Regent, may sunlight fall upon her moon, came to power on that speech, that wonderful speech.”

The sanctity of contracts. It had been the speech heard across the solar system. Lalla-Louise Renard Royal stepped across the fallen reputations of her two older brothers to take the throne on the promise that the moral centre of the planetary alliance could be found in the royal family, as well as the Church of All.

The Church’s tenets had kept humanity together as functioning society when the stresses of colonising space could well have destroyed everything about who they were as people. Morality, faith and the sanctity of contracts were the prime fuel of space-dwelling humanity.

It was important enough to the Regent’s reign that her government might well fall on the word of one wrong media campaign. If darling Conrad really did have the evidence that his master was playing away from home, this was political dynamite.

“Go on,” Dana whispered. Once she knew, she could never unknow it. But oh, she would have to tell Athos and Aramis and Porthos, she could never keep something like this from them.

How could she figure out what to do without asking them first?

“It was that game started it all,” Madame Su said angrily. “Late last year, when the Duchess of Buckingham joined their team. It all happened that night, whatever it is. I don’t want to know!”

Dana frowned. “Buckingham the Ambassador of Valour? I saw her on the newscast, cutting a ribbon in one of the cities down on Honour. Do you mean a TeamJoust game?”

“Humph. That game,” Madame Su said, smacking her cup down on the table and pouring more tea. “Conrad thinks there is a trap to lure her here, to catch her in a compromising position with the Prince Consort.”

Dana was suspicious now. “But if they have warning, what’s the problem? The Prince can simply stay away from her.”

“Last time I saw my darling Conrad, that was his plan,” Madame Su agreed, though her voice suggested she was close to breaking down again. It wobbled. “But now he is missing, and no one at the Palace will speak to me of him. I questioned the others he works with, and they said he was last seen in the company of a terrible person, a woman who is not to be trusted.”

Dana sighed. It sounded like something straight out of Love and Asteroids. “Well, that’s a start. Do you know who she is?”

Madame Su took a deep breath and lifted her chin. She was not an unattractive women, and there was something quite stately and dignified about her once she stopped panicking so badly. “Her name is Rosnay Cho,” she said sharply. “She works as an agent for the Cardinal, though she has no rank in the Church and I am certain she is a wickedly sinful woman.”

“They usually are,” Dana said lightly. “What else do you know about her?”

“Long hair, though she claims to be a pilot. And she has a scar.” Madame Su drew the pattern across her face, and Dana felt herself holding a breath she scarcely remembered taking in.

“Does she fly a brand new Moth fighter?” she asked.

Madame Su closed her eyes and nodded quickly. “I see her when I go to the auction houses and the promenade,” she said. “Watching me. I’m sure to be in danger, and I’ve no way to get a message to the Prince. Do you think – could you do it?”

Rosnay Cho. Dana couldn’t believe it. That cow of a Moth pilot from Meung, the one called “Ro” – it had to be her. Dana shivered, remembering the spaceships of the Duel flying back and forth in the air between them, and that burst of pain…

“I’m going to get a message to the Prince, and I’m sure he’ll help find your Conrad and bring him home,” she promised Madame Su, patting her hand as comfortingly as she could. She was getting better at that.

If Dana knew one thing since she set out on this journey to Paris Satellite and the Musketeers, it was that “Ro” was her enemy. If she was the enemy of the Crown as well, then it was Dana’s duty to get into her face and, with any luck, punch her in it too.

Duty, in this case, would also be pleasure.

You have been reading Musketeer Space, by Tansy Rayner Roberts. Tune in next week for another chapter! Please comment, share and link. Musketeer Space is free to read, but if you’d like to support the project for as little as $1 per month, visit my Patreon page. Pledges can earn rewards such as ebooks, extra content, dedications and the naming of spaceships. My next funding milestone ($200 a month) will unlock a special Christmas story.

Watching New Who: The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon

We are incredibly honoured to have tied for the William Atheling Jr Award, alongside Galactic Suburbia. Thank you to everyone who voted for us, and to all our readers for your support and for spreading the word. We also want to thank Lynne Thomas, Jo Anderton and Kathleen Jennings for their guest contributions. Congratulations to not only Galactic Suburbia on their well deserved win, but all the amazing nominees – you are producing some wonderful writing! We are looking forward to writing many more reviews about the show we love, and hopefully catching up with the new season soon.

David is coming to New Who for the first time, having loved Classic Who as a kid. Tehani is a recent convert, and ploughed through Seasons 1 to 6 (so far) in just a few weeks after becoming addicted thanks to Matt Smith – she’s rewatching to keep up with David! Tansy is the expert in the team, with a history in Doctor Who fandom that goes WAY back, and a passion for Doctor Who that inspires us all.

We are working our way through New Who, using season openers and closers, and Hugo shortlisted episodes, and sometimes a couple of extra episodes we love as our blogging points. Just for fun!

“The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon”

Series 6, Episodes 1 and 2

The Doctor – Matt Smith

Amy Pond – Karen Gillan

Rory Williams – Arthur Darvill

River Song – Alex Kingston

Canton Everett Delaware III – Mark Sheppard

President Richard Nixon – Stuart Milligan

DAVID:

Well, what a great setup for for an episode, and what a great start to the season! Obviously we know that the Doctor can’t really die (especially from my viewpoint of knowing there is a Season 7), but we are immediately presented with a whole heap of questions and a massive time gap to fill. I may be a little obsessed here after watching all five seasons in a few weeks, but it reminded more than a little of Breaking Bad where you would see the aftermath of some catastrophe in the intros and then be left wondering how exactly you were going to get there. It’s certainly left me very excited about this season.

TEHANI:

So that early scene, when the Doctor started regenerating, was AWFUL. I’m glad I already knew Matt Smith was the Doctor for the whole season to come, else I would have been devastated! But yes, it’s very good

TANSY:

This is a really excellent season opener – the first time we’ve had a two parter to start a season, which seems odd because it works so well. It also marks the first time they really made inroads into promoting the show substantially in the US – I really like that they chose to do a historical story using all that beautiful desert cinematography, and the 1960’s stuff around it.

This story has major knock on effects in the whole season but I really like it as a self contained piece of Doctor Who.

DAVID:

Earth must get very cluttered with all the aliens behind the scenes pulling the strings, the basic premise is hardly new even to Doctor Who, let alone science fiction.

TEHANI:

Heh. The Doctor says it: Safe? No, of course you’re not safe. There’s about a billion other things out there just waiting to burn your whole world. But if you want to pretend you’re safe just so you can sleep at night, okay. You’re safe. But you’re not really.

DAVID:

But, there aren’t many completely new ideas, it’s all about how you execute them, and I thought that this was executed wonderfully. It had a great storyline, an excellent supporting cast and a very disturbing set of monsters. I was fascinated to discover the father-son sharing of one of the roles, and I thought Richard Nixon was portrayed really well. I can imagine there was a temptation to have him as a complete villain, but instead we saw a great performance. I did enjoy the little digs, though, like the reference to Frost, and the perfectly reasonable explanation for his obsession with recording all the conversations that took place in the Oval Office! But, the real stars for me were Gillan and Darvill, however I will expand on that further a bit later on.

TANSY:

I think the Silence are officially the scariest New Who villains now – Raeli has got over her fear of Sontarans but she can’t even cope with looking at these guys. The premise behind them is so chilling, the idea of taking away memories.

I do love all the Nixon stuff (if Abigail and Kazran are companions, so is he!) and that he came across as likeable but problematic. River and the Doctor debating his legacy (“Hippy!” “Archaeologist!”) was quite charming. Stuart Milligan, who played him, is perhaps best known as the kooky magician Adam Klaus in Jonathan Creek, and he also plays an amazing Big Finish comedy villain. It’s funny the way that the Doctor reacts to having a President in his pocket by employing him a bit like a sonic screwdriver, to open doors and unlock new areas.

TEHANI:

And I like that Nixon isn’t portrayed as a monster, either, even though we know (historically) his flaws. It’s very, hrm, human?

DAVID:

The Silence could have been been a bit ridiculous if they hadn’t been handled right, but I found them very creepy. You’d think that after the Angels, a creature that you had to keep your eyes on would be a bit old hat, but the twist was more than enough to differentiate them completely. For some reason the idea that you forgot them every time you looked away made me really uncomfortable, it made the characters seem so vulnerable and manipulated. No matter how vigilant they were, seeing the Silence was not enough. The scenes in the children’s home were particularly creepy, especially when Amy is all of a sudden covered in pen marks (which was a brilliant idea). At least with the Angels you knew they were coming for you, the Silence didn’t even give you that.

TEHANI:

That awful, “As long as there’s been something in the corner of your eye, or creaking in your house or breathing under your bed or voices through a wall…” line *shudder* – I think that’s what makes them so darn scary. Also, this:

TANSY:

The horror concept of not being able to remember the monster is terribly clever and creepy. The haunted asylum is genuinely disturbing.

When I remember this story though it’s less for the effective horror stuff and more for the crunchy character material. I adore Canton as an addition to the TARDIS team, and all of the River Song stuff is great. She’s definitely on the team now, with friendship ties to both Rory and Amy as well as the Doctor.

And oh, TIME GAP. The Doctor who summons them all to witness his death is about two hundred years older than our usual model, and how interesting that Amy and Rory have been home since the Christmas Special, balancing domesticity with adventure. There are so many delicious implications to this story, not least that the Eleventh Doctor’s timeline is complicated, more complicated than we could ever understand, and that he’s going to be around for a good long time.

DAVID:

Excellent point. Certainly leaves lots of room for lots of adventures.

TEHANI:

Yay!

DAVID:

I was interested to discover that this isn’t the first major time gap in the Doctor’s chronology. The First Doctor claims to be 450 years old at one point, but that jumps up around 300 years by the time Four is travelling with Romana. Then, when we get to Six he is around the 900s! While we need to take the Doctor’s claims regarding his age with a pinch of salt, that does leave lots of room for “missing” adventures. It does make sense that a time traveller’s chronology is going to be complicated, of course!

TANSY:

Moffat has actually done a great job at leaving deliberate gaps in the chronology, for the associated media to play in whether it’s now or in 25 years time. He has said that he does it on purpose. Unlike RTD, who gave us that distressingly closed-in Series 1, so the only non-Rose adventures we can insert happen somewhere in the middle of “Rose”.

TEHANI:

The first time I watched this season I got all sorts of terribly confused. I’m still not sure I completely understand the timeline. Where’s that River Song chronology again?

TANSY:

It bears multiple rewatching! And I believe there’s a bit of retooling we need to do after the fact with later revelations in the show…

David, let’s talk about Amy and Rory! What was it you loved so much about Gillan and Darvill’s performances?

DAVID:

There are a number of scenes where they shine (like Amy in the children’s home *shivers*) but, for me, the real emotional core of this story is Rory trying hard not to be jealous as he fights against his insecurities, and Amy’s feelings for him and the Doctor. Who wouldn’t struggle with feelings of inadequacy if they felt they were competing with the Doctor? I think it is a really pivotal moment when Amy clarifies things properly, and certainly left me feeling much better about things (“Poor Rory!” punctuates most of my notes that I make while watching these episodes!).

It would be quite obvious to anyone reading this review series that I had some real issues with the Nine-Rose-Mickey dynamic, but I find the Eleven-Amy-Rory one a lot easier to deal with. Nine was quite obviously competing with Mickey for Rose, and often rather nasty about it, and I often found it hard to watch. It was such an unbalanced competition and I constantly felt sorry for Mickey, and disdain for the Doctor’s bullying of him – because that’s what it was. There is a lot more friendship and genuine affection between the current (well, current as of this episode – I am SO far behind!) trio, and the Doctor has shown much more integrity in how he deals with Rory and Amy, and is far more mindful of boundaries. Plus, I do love the banter!

TEHANI:

Plus Matt Smith’s Doctor is a less “sexual” being than Tennant’s anyway, I think. He’s far more the goof (mingled nicely with the dark weight of everything he has seen) than Tennant ever was – this shows in his interactions with River Song, even as he grows into their relationship, I think.

TANSY:

I enjoy the odd, awkward balances and imbalances that come out between this trio and I agree that the Doctor’s role in it makes him a lot more likeable than when Nine was doing something similar – most of the Doctor messing up their relationship is a blunder rather than a deliberate jibe. I think it also shows that there are different kinds of friendship and jealousy and conflict doesn’t have to be romantic. Rory is brilliant in this story, it feels like he is coming into his own. I think my favourite bit is where he gets to explain everything to Canton, and that means Rory himself isn’t the new boy any more.

This team, running around solving mysteries in an invaded Earth in the 1960s. I could watch this team forever. I could have watched a whole season that was just this. Except, of course, that’s not how Doctor Who works…

PREVIOUS “New Who In Conversations”



“Rose”, S01E01

“Dalek”, S01E06

“Father’s Day, S01E08

“The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances”, S01E09/10

“Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways”, S01E12/13

Series One Report Card – David, Tansy, Tehani

“The Christmas Invasion,” 2005 Christmas special

“New Earth”, S02E01

“School Reunion,” S02E03

“The Girl in the Fireplace”, S02E04

“Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel”, S02E05/06

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday, S02E12/13

Series Two Report Cards: David, Tehani, Tansy

“The Runaway Bride”, 2006 Christmas Special

“Smith and Jones”, S03E01

The Shakespeare Code & Gridlock, S0302-03

Human Nature/The Family of Blood S0308-09

Blink S0310

Utopia / The Sound of Drums / Last of the Timelords S0311-13

“Voyage of the Damned,” 2007 Christmas Special

Series 3 Report Cards: David, Tehani, Tansy

Partners in Crime, S0401

The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky, S0405 S0406

Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, S0408 S0409

Turn Left, S0411

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End, SO412-13

Series 4 Report Cards: Tansy, Tehani, David

The Specials

The End of Time

The Eleventh Hour, S0501

The Beast Below/Victory of the Daleks, S0502-3

The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone

Vampires of Venice/Amy’s Choice, S0504-5

The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood

Vincent and the Doctor/The Lodger

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang

A Christmas Carol

Series 5 Report Card: Tansy, David, Tehani

You Can Leave Your Hat On: the BBC Musketeer Edition Part II

There are going to be three of these now. I’m not sorry.

This is an extra special Musketeer Media Monday month – I’m reviewing the whole Season 1 of The Musketeers (2014) across three blog posts. Check out Part I: Looks Good in Leather.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the BBC series The Musketeers (2014) is largely about the hats. I’m actually fighting the urge to write Musketeer hat fanfic right now.

Seriously, the hats are important. They use their hats as umbrellas, when it rains on them. It rains on them a lot. I don’t know if that’s a Prague thing or if the directors are all very enthusiastic about wet Musketeers.

Each of the Musketeers has a special relationship with his hat. Athos uses his largely for slouching and hiding his feelings, and on one very memorable occasion, faked his own death for half an episode simply by pushing his hat a little further down his face. Aramis’ hat has a long enough brim that he regularly uses it to keep smoke and powder out of his eyes when shooting his musket. Porthos’ hat is larger and fancier than anyone else’s, just like his pretty armour.

D’Artagnan has no hat. That pretty much sums up his relationship to the rest of the Musketeers. He wants to be them, because they are older and better at everything, and they all have really great hats. He is occasionally allowed to borrow hats for comedy and espionage purposes, but otherwise… no hats for you, kid!

Sometimes, the hats are metaphorical.

There are spoilers in these episode reviews. The better the episode, the more spoilery I get. Read with caution, or just watch the show already.

4. The Good Soldier

Just as the previous episode was all about Athos, his hat and his ex wife, plus Porthos, his hat, and that slave trader he’s not friends with any more, this episode focuses mainly on the hat of Aramis, and the fact that D’Artagnan still doesn’t have a hat of his own.

Other shows pass around the Idiot Ball, so characters can take turns being stupid enough to fuel the plot. In the BBC Musketeers, there is the Angst Hat. In this episode, the Angst Hat is worn by Aramis, who falls into a pit of despair about a five-years-ago massacre, a dangerous Duke and the horrible (if highly unlikely) possibility that Captain Treville might be a traitor, while everyone else walks around with a faint air of embarrassment that he’s taking the plot more seriously than they are.

Best bits:

King Louis’ most excellent sister, who combines motherhood and diplomacy with high-octane spy skillz.

The Duke of Savoy randomly picking Athos to duel with him to prove a point, only to have Athos turn Terminator on him. Terminator in a floppy shirt.

King Louis fencing his his adorable nephew, whose middle name is Amadeus. He takes far too much pleasure in beating him.

D’Artagnan’s prison warden disguise (which makes him look a bit like the Disney Robin Hood dressed as a stork) and the Cardinal’s double take when he recognises him beneath the silly hat and realises the Musketeers have got there first and solved his problem for him. Ditto for the second, more meaningful look the Cardinal exchanges with D’Artagnan on his way out. Capaldspressions for the win!

Spoilery Stuff:

This was the episode that made me wish I had kept a head-punching tally from the start.

I know this is an Aramis episode, but for me the most interesting character development is between D’Artagnan and Constance. He and Aramis lie to her in order to keep Malzac, a disgraced former Musketeer under house arrest in her house. Constance is understandably pissed off when she finds out the truth, forcing D’Artagnan to realise what he has done – prioritising his friendship and loyalty for Aramis over the friendship and loyalty he owes her.

Constance’s self-declared state as a respectable married woman means that their flirtation has always been couched in terms of friendship, but this is the episode when D’Artagnan actually realises what that means – somewhere along the way, despite all the espionage kisses, they have become friends. And she’s not going to put up with being treated as a less important friend than his precious Musketeers.

What makes me adore Constance, is that when the whole thing with Marzac blows up in their faces, she doesn’t hesitate to use D’Artagnan’s guilt-ridden hero complex as leverage to get what she has wanted from him all along. Shooting and fencing lessons!

A kiss on the hand might be quite continental, but muskets are a girl’s best friend.

5. The Homecoming

Porthos wears the Angst Hat again! Though he also smiles a lot more in this episode – a bit of angst suits him. Note: he is on the run from the law for most of this episode, and he achieves this by being in disguise, AKA not wearing his hat and Musketeer armour. It is far more effective than the ‘pretend to be dead by pushing hat slightly down on face’ method that is later employed by Athos. Just saying.

After a dramatic beginning, which flashes back and forward between Porthos’ drunken birthday party and him waking up the next morning in a straw-strewn street with a corpse he can’t remember killing, the rest of the episode is unfortunately a bit flat.

Best bits:

More Porthos backstory, and the Court of Miracles. (It sounds like a Neil Gaiman novel, doesn’t it?) Sadly the episode doesn’t make the most of that lovely idea, with a disaffected and charmless king of thieves. However, we do get…

Flea, ex-girlfriend of Porthos, with her ‘queen of thieves’ crazy hair and feathered gowns. A great character who almost but not quite makes up for the entire lack of Constance, Milady and Queen Anne.

And of course, Porthos shooting a melon off Aramis’ head at the beginning, especially because of the expressions on the faces of Athos and D’Artagnan while he’s doing it.

ATHOS: He’s never made the shot sober…

Guest of the week who I actually recognised is Anton Lesser, the actor who plays Falco in the excellent BBC Radio adaptations of the Lindsey Davis novels. The King of Thieves is also played by one of the actors who ripped holes out of the TARDIS in the last season of Doctor Who which might have something to do with me never being able to trust his character.

D’Artagnan and the other Musketeers do their best to play detective and prove Porthos’ innocence. This mostly revolves around trying a stolen key in random locks, shooting doors open, and asking awkward questions based on wild guesswork. Their incompetence is a bit charming, but don’t give up your day job, lads.

6. The Exiles

Aramis wears the Angst Hat again this week – he gets to share it with King Louis, and they both wear it well. This is the Marie de Medici episode, and Tara Fitzgerald does a fantastic turn as the scheming, dangerous and exiled-for-a-good-reason mother of the king. Second guest star of the ep is Amy Nuttall (Ethel from Downton) whose baby might have a better claim to the throne than Louis himself.

Constance is back with a vengeance in this episode, not just for her ‘girls know about babies’ superpowers (minimal) but also showing off her natural talent for espionage and her newly honed sword skills.

I didn’t really “get” Santiago Cabrera’s Aramis until this episode, after which I subscribed entirely to his newsletter.

Best bits:

Marie de Medici’s batshit crazy wardrobe including giant Cersei Lannister hair and her own special take on Parisian fashions.

Everything else about Marie de Medici.

Cardinal Capaldieu, who has some of his most spectacular scenes dealing quietly but menacingly with the poisoned viper that is the former queen of France.

Capaldieu and Treville rolling eyes at each other as Marie manipulates her son.

Louis throwing a major wobbly when the Cardinal won’t let him go out to play. “It’s so boring to be king!”

Athos observing the barrels of good brandy and Aramis not realising at first that he means as a possible source of explosive fuel. “Now is not the time, Athos!”

All of Constance’s scenes, from her quiet broodiness about babies to her fiery plans to fight everyone to a standstill. Not to mention agreeing to go undercover in the scary conspirator’s den as a wet nurse, despite not actually being able to provide milk for a baby.

SPOILERY STUFF:

My favourite part of the episode has the Musketeers charging into the building where the baby and Constance are in danger, systematically taking out all of the bad guys, Die Hard style… and then in the last room, Aramis ends up holding the baby while Constance uses his sword to fight off a villain.

Everything about this scene, from Aramis checking she’s okay and then LETTING HER GET ON WITH IT WHILE HE KEEPS THE BABY SECURE, makes me utterly joyous.

ARAMIS: Have you got this?

CONSTANCE: Absolutely.

Constance is great. The Musketeers barely deserve her, on a good day.

The only thing that would make this episode better is if Milady shared a scene with Marie de Medici.

7. A Rebellious Woman

From here to the end of the season, it only gets better and better. This episode starts out like a ‘mystery of the week’ featuring the intellectual salon run by the beautiful Comtesse Ninon de Larroque, who dares to educate under-privileged women – and ends up on trial for witchcraft, thanks to the machinations of the Cardinal, and of Rome.

And the Angst Hat goes to… Athos, who is not only drawn into a reluctant flirtation with Ninon, but also has to deal with a new Milady confrontation, for the first time since she burned his house down.

The Cardinal regularly steals not only the episode, but also the oxygen in the room, and the Angst Hat right off Athos’ head. In the midst of his nastiest machination yet, he falls victim to an assassination attempt forcing our Musketeers to save his life more than once (including the application of a stinky emetic after he is dramatically poisoned in public).

Bonus side-angst can be found in the tensions between Aramis and Queen Anne when she shows a flicker of jealousy at his kindness towards Ninon. Not that she’s into him at all.

BEST BITS:

Too many to count! Annabelle Wallis has a great guest part as Ninon, the haughty and seductive feminist who flirts up a storm with the mildly surprised Athos – apparently she’s the only woman in Paris who hasn’t got the memo that he is emotionally unavailable.

(Sadly for Ninon, Athos’ idea of a hot date is to take you to the morgue and question you about the death of your close friend. Sorry about that, he doesn’t get out much.)

The duel in the salon, with Athos and Aramis armed only with books as they fight off the Cardinal’s guard.

Constance’s best line yet: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, even by Musketeer standards.”

Milady happily carrying on her own intrigue under the nose of Athos, avoiding his attention by use of strategic fans and pillars… culminating in the scene in the courtroom where she presents false evidence against Ninon. Athos recognises her voice, then completely loses his shit.

Aramis, just Aramis. He chats up the ladies at the salon with a bid for feminist cookies, offers Ninon spiritual comfort when Athos is being too sulky to be useful, leaps into action to give the Cardinal medical attention when he is poisoned, and even manages a touch more flirtation with the Queen. Aramis has got it going on.

Even when Porthos is given almost nothing to do in an episode, he still gets a few good lines which are made completely great thanks to his snarky, eye-rolling inflection. Like “Why are we running?” as they hurry to rescue the Cardinal again, and “Why does God get all the credit?” after they save the day.

Some gorgeous Milady scenes, especially when she visits Ninon in her cell to extract a confession, and later when she visits the Cardinal on his deathbed to loom over him in her pretty dress and Eau De Smug.

Even now, only Athos and Milady know the full extent of their connection – D’Artagnan knows about Athos’ history with his wife and what Milady looks like, but he’s conveniently not in the courtroom to put the pieces together. Aramis and Porthos are bemused at the usually cool Athos blowing his stack at a random woman, not even knowing he has an evil wife. On top of all this, we discover that even the Cardinal doesn’t know what the deal is between those two.

Though, he’s starting to get an inkling.

King Louis is off in his own adorably selfish world, mostly making jokes about broomsticks and fantasising about how pretty Ninon is, much to the tolerant weariness of his wife. Then he gets a glorious bit where he thinks the Cardinal might die and hurls himself on him, begging not to be left alone. Aww.

Queen Anne will notice if you give away that pretty cross she rewarded you with to some other attractive lady. Oh yes she will, Aramis. And yet somehow you get away with it.

SUPER SPOILERY STUFF:

While most of the attention of the episode is understandably on Ninon, Athos, Milady and the Cardinal, there’s a smaller and subtler story going on, told mostly through undercurrents. Constance is friends with two young women who regularly visit Ninon’s salons, but she doesn’t attend herself. She tries to convince young proteges Fleur to settle for the life her father wants for her, only to have her own life thrown in her face – she is married to a husband she hates, who is she to give advice? Later, when Constance intervenes with Fleur’s father over another marriage of convenience with an older man, it is the witty and educated Ninon whom Fleur credits with changing his mind – and Constance doesn’t reveal herself, because Ninon is Fleur’s hero.

D’Artagnan notices all this, and when he tries to let Constance know that he at least appreciates how awesome she is, it turns accidentally into a declaration of love… oops. But also, hooray!

In an episode that’s all about how so many women of this era are prevented from speaking and learning and living a full life, the final scenes between both D’Artagnan/Constance and Athos/Ninon tell us that respect is sexy. Respect, and leather. And hats. And Musketeers standing sadly in the rain. But mostly respect.

It rains a lot in Prague, I don’t know if anyone’s noticed that?

More BBC Musketeer reviews to come later in the month. Musketeer Media Monday is brought to you by the Musketeer Space project, and the supporters of my Patreon page. Previous installments include Musketeers in an Exciting Adventure With Airships (2011) and Musketeers Are All For Love (1993). The first part of the BBC Musketeers review can be found here: Looks Good in Leather (2014). Thanks for reading.

Galactic Suburbia 104 Show Notes

You can download or stream the new episode here.

In which we gaze into the World of the Future with a double dose of Culture Consumed and Culture Yet To Consume.

Culture We Are Looking Forward To

Alex: new James SA Corey; Isobelle Carmody’s last Obernewtyn novel; every TPP; Guardians of the Galaxy; Snowpiercer; Saga.

Tansy: The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison; Kameron Hurley, The Mirror Empire; Ben Peek, The Godless; Sailor Moon

Alisa: Extant

What Culture Have we Consumed?

Alisa: Twinmaker, Sean Williams

Alex: holidays!! Diaspora, Greg Egan (http://randomalex.net/2014/07/09/dias... The Reluctant Swordsman, Dave Duncan; James Tiptree Award Anthology 3;

Tansy: The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet.

Please send feedback to us at galacticsuburbia@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @galacticsuburbs, check out Galactic Suburbia Podcast on Facebook, support us at Patreon and don’t forget to leave a review on iTunes if you love us!

ROBOTECH REWATCH 7: Dating in Deep Space

Robotech will be rewatched after these messages!

I’m enjoying the rewatch so far, not least because Raeli (Ms9.5) is enjoying it along with me. Jem (Ms4.11) is far less convinced, as the aliens scare her which necessitates a regular application of a blankie to the head. She starts perking up with interest once the lady aliens arrive, though…

However, this is not that day!

I’m doing my best to restrain the Minmei bashing (which is an essential aspect of Robotech fandom) because my daughters both like and identify with her. Also, it has to be said, she’s not the only female character who is regularly portrayed as a ditz… and let’s not even get started on the ridiculous inner turmoils of Rick Hunter, Drama Queen.

Minmei’s not the only airhead at this party, is perhaps my point. Though she’s the only one who has age as an excuse… that’s right, it’s birthday party time!

This weekly rewatch of classic animated space opera Robotech is brought to you as bonus content for the Musketeer Space project. Thanks everyone for your support!

Episode 8 – Sweet Sixteen

Khyron is in town, and it’s going to get nasty…

Sgt Rick Hunter is lured into a meeting with the top brass, who only seem to be relevant to the story in meetings like this (my theory is that Gloval keeps them all in the storage cupboard the rest of the time) He is presented with a medal of valour for his actions on Mars. Hilariously, he is about two heads shorter than all the other pilots receiving honours. Roy later breaks it to him that he’s now a Lieutenant (I still can’t get over that he’s a Sergeant) and that he has been assigned two baby pilots of his own to take care of.

It’s Ben Dixon and Max Sterling! I kind of want to cry. It’s so nice to see them enter the story. The power of command promptly goes to Rick’s head, and he becomes crazy pleased with himself. Don’t worry about the smug, though, Rick Hunter feeling good about himself is never going to be more than a temporary blip on the radar.

Meanwhile Lisa is cranky that Rick has been promoted, despite his obvious incompetence in the field. Claudia thinks this is hilarious, as it’s obviously because of his rescue of Lisa last episode.

Rick brings his new corporals to Minmei’s birthday party, showing them off as the arm candy they are, and we finally get the answer to the eternal question of just how old this girl is – she’s turning sixteen! Rick Hunter, you’re a bit skeevy.

Sadly Rick quickly learns the error of taking polite, handsome young friends to the party of a girl you fancy. Max impresses Minmei with his looks and manners, while Rick (who has forgotten a present) comes off very badly by comparison.

There’s nothing like a self-involved teenage girl to make a self-involved bloke get over himself – Rick’s attempt to impress Minmei with his medal and promotion are eclipsed by everyone else’s excitement that she might sing at the party! The mayor’s fannishness about Minmei is starting to feel on the inappropriate side, though…

The party is ruined, to Minmei’s distress, when the aliens attack and all her pet flyboys rush off to defend the space fortress. How rude!

“I can’t perform and babysit at the same time!”

Rick in the cockpit, learning that leadership is hard.

The new Vermilion Squadron has a rocky start in combat. Ben is a chaotic disaster in the air, taking nothing seriously and laughing uproariously the whole time. Raeli correctly guessed that he’s not likely to survive the whole series – she was actually surprised he survived the episode. Max makes up for it by being a brilliant. The three of them average out to a good squad.

“I don’t know how but I guess I survived.”

Ben Dixon agrees with the nine-year-old that he got lucky.

Khyron has gone completely off book, this entire attack being against Breetai’s express orders. As, indeed, are all his attacks. Honestly, no one EVER gives Khyron orders except ‘stay’. When Breetai figures out what is going on, he enacts manual override and physically hauls Khyron and his men back like naughty schoolboys.

Breetai is one of those characters I didn’t really notice much back in the day, but I grew very fond of him thanks to the novelisations. Like Captain Gloval, he’s a bluff old space dog trying to do his job.



“I suspected something when he said he was playing war games.”

Breetai goes ‘hmm’ about Khyron’s latest sortie.

The Vermilion boys retreat, alive and well, to take stock of their first firefight together. Max the humble hotshot was responsible for 9 kills, while Ben managed 0. Rick is fairly happy with his 5 until Ben is all tactless about how Max beat him.

It’s not the worst day Rick Hunter has ever had – but when the work is done, he realises to his horror that the shops are all closed and he hasn’t got Minmei a birthday present yet! He goes to see her, quite reluctantly, and manages a last minute save by throwing her his medal – which she adores because it’s sparkly and not because of any particular emotional or military significance it might hold.

In retrospect, joining the military to impress a girl who doesn’t know or care anything about the military was probably a bad move for Rick Hunter. It’s a good thing he’s getting job satisfaction out of it.