Bathroom Readers' Institute's Blog, page 90

Really Silly Wrestling Characters

Professional wrestling is already pretty silly, but the “sport” outdid itself when it introduced these really silly wrestling characters.

SERGEANT SLAUGHTER

At the peak of the first Gulf War in 1991, the WWF brought in this villain, an Iraqi-flag-waving Saddam Hussein sympathizer.

GIANT GONZALES

A failed NBA basketball player, Gonzales was a lanky 7’7″ and not muscular enough to wrestle. Solution: He wore a rubber suit covered with fake hair and painted muscles.

THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER

He was a giant turkey, complete with feathers, a beak, and wings. When the character debuted, he popped out of a huge egg.

DOINK THE CLOWN

In tag-team matches he’s assisted by “Dink the Clown,” an identically dressed dwarf clown.

AMISH ROADKILL

He wore plain black Amish clothing, a black hat, and a long beard. He lost most of his matches, because the Amish don’t believe in fighting.

THE JUICER

A steroid addict? No—the Juicer was introduced in 1989 to capitalize on the movie Beetlejuice. Like the movie’s title character, the wrestler sprayed “death breath” (green mist) and attacked with Silly String.

RED ROOSTER

With dyed scarlet hair, he flapped his arms like wings and chicken-danced around the ring, screaming “Cock-a-doodle-doo!”

THE GENIUS

Coming to the ring wearing a graduation cap and gown, the Genius appeared to be highly intelligent, speaking in a haughty accent and peppering his sentences with big words…and then he beat people up.

ISAAC YANKEM, DDS.

An evil dentist, dressed in a white smock and face mask, who threatens to remove his opponents’ teeth.

IRWIN R. SCHEISTER

Somebody everybody could fear: an IRS agent. He wore glasses, a shirt, and a skinny tie, and hit people with his briefcase.

THE POET

He read poetry before fights…and then beat people up.

AKEEM THE AFRICAN DREAM

Akeem dressed, talked, and acted “black.” He wore a traditional African dashiki, spoke in 1970s jive, and his sidekick was a street pimp named Slick. He was portrayed by a white guy.

ROADBLOCK

He looked like a road. He had a yellow “dead end” sign painted on his stomach, hit opponents with a barricade, and dressed in a black bodysuit (to look like pavement).

GOLDUST

With his skin was spray-painted gold, Goldust wore a sparkly robe and a long blond wig and intimidated opponents by licking their faces.

SEXUAL CHOCOLATE

A deep-voiced, smooth-talking ladies’ man based on the South Park character Chef.

THE BOOTY MAN

On his way into the ring, he dropped his pants and shook his bare buttocks (while wearing a flesh-colored prosthesis).

BROTHER LOVE

A stereotypical Southern evangelist who preached “the word of love”…and then beat people up.

 

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It’s a Bad Idea Charlie Brown!

Since the 1965 debut of A Charlie Brown Christmas, Charles Schulz’s Peanuts characters have appeared in more than 40 animated specials. The classics leave us feeling warm and fuzzy; others leave us wondering, “What were you thinking, Charlie Brown?”

C harlie Brown’s All Stars! (1966)

Plot: A recurring storyline in the Peanuts comic strip is Charlie Brown’s woefully bad management of his woefully bad baseball team. In this special, Charlie Brown quits baseball for good after his team loses by more than 100 runs. He’s coaxed out of retirement by Mr. Hennessey (voiced by a trombone, of course), a hardware-store owner, who offers to sponsor Charlie Brown’s team and give them new uniforms. But there’s a catch—the league is “boys only,” so he’d have to cut Lucy, Violet, Frieda, Patty, and even Snoopy. Unwilling to sell out his friends, Charlie Brown turns down Mr. Hennessey. To cheer him up, his teammates make him a new uniform…out of Linus’s security blanket. (Linus is traumatized.)

He’s Your Dog, Charlie Brown! (1968)

Plot: After becoming increasingly annoyed by Snoopy’s getting into mischief, the Peanuts gang insists that Charlie Brown take action. Caving to their demand, Charlie Brown arranges to send Snoopy to the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm for obedience training. Instead, Snoopy runs off and hides out at Peppermint Patty’s house. After he wears out his welcome by using her pool and drinking all her root beer, Peppermint Patty forces Snoopy to earn his keep as her maid. A few days later, when Snoopy breaks some dishes, Peppermint Patty sends him to the garage. He realizes he’s better off with Charlie Brown and runs away, back home to his doghouse. Everybody’s happy to see him again and assumes he’s learned his lesson, but he soon returns to his bad behavior. No lessons are imparted.

Play It Again, Charlie Brown (1971)

Plot: Frustrated by the fact that her crush, Schroeder, never notices her, Lucy commiserates with Sally and Peppermint Patty, and Patty comes up with a plan: Schroeder, she says, will fall for Lucy if she can get him to play piano at a PTA concert. Schroeder agrees and it looks like love is in the air…until Patty tells Lucy that the PTA wants rock ’n’ roll, not classical music, and that Schroeder can’t play any Beethoven (his favorite). Lucy hires Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Pig Pen to be Schroeder’s backing band, but Schroeder, unwilling to compromise his musical integrity, refuses to perform at the last minute. Patty is upset that the PTA is without a program; Lucy saves the day by whipping out a spray can of “PTA program entertainment.” (Really.) The next day, Lucy insults Schroeder by telling him that Beethoven “never would have made it in Nashville” because he didn’t have “the Nashville sound.” Schroeder storms off.

There’s No Time For Love, Charlie Brown (1973)

Plot: Overwhelmed by schoolwork, Charlie Brown decides he’ll improve his grades with an elaborate class project about a local art museum. Complicating matters, both Peppermint Patty and Marcie have feelings for him and decide to help him out. Together, they take photos of the art museum’s displays…unaware that they are actually in a supermarket and are taking pictures of the store’s shelves. He realizes the goof too late and has to move ahead with his project, which his teacher (voice of a trombone) loves, assuming it to be some sort of Warhol-esque commentary on modern art. Result: Charlie Brown gets an A. He doesn’t get the girls, though—he rebuffs both Patty and Marcie, declaring his undying love for “the Little Red Haired Girl.”

It’s Arbor Day, Charlie Brown (1976)

Plot: By 1976 the Peanuts gang had celebrated Christmas, Halloween, Easter, Valentine’s Day, and Election Day, and was starting to run out of holidays with which they could impart “the true meaning.” In honor of Arbor Day, Charlie Brown and his friends decide to plant trees…in the middle of their baseball field. Only problem: they have a game against Peppermint Patty’s baseball team scheduled. Charlie Brown comes up with a plan: outfit the trees with baseball gloves and caps. Amazingly, Patty’s team is unable to score against an outfield full of trees. Meanwhile, Lucy, having been promised a kiss from Schroeder if she hits a home run, knocks one out of the park. Just as Charlie Brown’s team is about to win their first game ever, it starts to pour and the game is canceled.

What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown? (1983)

Plot: In this one, Charlie Brown learns the true meaning of Memorial Day and commemorates the 39th anniversary of the invasion of Normandy. This one takes place after the events of the theatrical film Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (and Don’t Come Back)!, in which Charlie Brown, Linus, Peppermint Patty, Marcie, Snoopy, and Woodstock go to France. When their car breaks down; the gang winds up stuck in a small French town. Snoopy goes into his “World War I Flying Ace” persona, convincing a French lady that he’s a real pilot, and she rents the group a replacement vehicle. They continue their journey and go to a beach—Omaha Beach—where Linus teaches the gang about the horrors of combat. Then Linus recites “In Flanders Fields,” a famous World War I poem about the inevitable result of war. At the end of the special, Linus and Charlie Brown stand in a field of red poppies on an old battlefield. Linus asks, “What have we learned, Charlie Brown?” Charlie Brown’s sister, Sally, to whom he’s been telling the story and showing photos of the trip as he puts them in an album, responds with, “You’re pasting your pictures in upside down.”

Why, Charlie Brown, Why? (1990)

Plot: If you think the horrors of war are too heavy for a children’s special, you might want to skip this one. In this special, Charlie Brown and his friends learn about childhood cancer. Linus befriends Janice, a new girl in school. One day, she’s not feeling well and leaves school. Later that week, Linus’s teacher informs their class that Janice is in the hospital. Charlie Brown and Linus visit Janice in her hospital room, where she tells them she has leukemia and explains her chemotherapy treatment program. In a particularly poignant scene, Linus asks Charlie Brown the existential question “Why?” Of course, he has no answer, leaving Linus to ponder his mortality. In another scene, after Janice returns to school, she is taunted by a playground bully when he discovers she’s lost her hair because of chemo. Fortunately, the producers pulled their punches in the finale—Janice recovers, grows her hair back, and happily joins Linus at the swing set.

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VCR Board Games

Some forgotten fads are forgotten for a reason.

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?

In the late 1980s and early ’90s, board game publishers feared that the popularity of video games spelled doom for their industry. Solution: VCR Board Games, which included a board game, and, to compete with electronic games, a videotape. The tape was supposed to make the game more exciting by adding video clips, a story, an interactive element, or just atmosphere. Only problem: the tape usually made the game more confusing, and in some cases, once you knew what was on the video, you couldn’t play the game again. Here are a few “classics” from this forgotten fad.

Star Trek: TNG—A Klingon Challenge (1993)

Plot: The Enterprise-D is docked; the crew is on shore leave (so no actors had to be paid). Klingons hijack the ship, and the players have to work together to regain control of it. Every now and then, the video, which is otherwise just footage of Klingons messing around the ship, abruptly cuts to a Klingon, who might shout, “You! The one that just moved!” and order that player to lose a turn.

HI-HO! CHERRY-O! (1987)

The classic board game was simple: spin a wheel and remove that number of plastic “cherries” from your tree, when it’s empty, you win. The VCR game version had 20 minutes of instructions, directing how tree pictures are to be laid out, topped with face-down discs that get turned over whenever players find the animal picture card that matches up with the sound made by a cartoon animal in the video.

DRAGON STRIKE (1993)

It’s a Dungeons and Dragons-like board game. The tape explains how to play it, then creates atmosphere with random images of knights, wizards, and goblins running around while you play the board game.

Rich Little’s VCR Charades (1985)

Famed impersonator Rich Little acts out a word or phrase—silently. Players have to guess the answer before the players on the video figure it out. After you’ve played the game once, you know all the answers. (Then it goes to Goodwill.)

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That Other Superhero

At the top of the superhero list, you’ve got your Superman, your Batman…and then way, way down the list, you’ve got these.

Shamrock

In 1982 artists at Marvel Comics—tasked with creating an Irish superhero—came up the most stereotypically Irish lass possible. Shamrock (Molly Fitzgerald) is the daughter of a militant IRA member and has long red hair. Her superpower: extremely good luck.

Madame Fatal

In this 1940s title, Richard Stanton is a famous actor whose daughter is kidnapped. To get her back, he dresses up like an old lady and uses his “acting skills” to fool the kidnappers into complacency before beating them up and rescuing his daughter. Thus was born Madame Fatal, the butt-kicking old lady who is really a man.

Zsazsa Zaturnnah

By day, Ada is the meek owner of a beauty salon in a small town in the Philippines (where the comic originates). At night, he eats a piece of “magic rock” (whatever that is) and transforms himself into Zsazsa—a muscular, curvaceous, crime-fighting woman.

Dazzler

In 1980 Casablanca Records, a disco label at the tail end of the fad, commissioned Marvel Comics to create a comic book about a disco singer-superhero. The plot: Alison Blaire is a law student who quits to become a disco singer, aided by her newly discovered abilities to generate light, to transform sound into pure energy…and to roller skate.

Wundarr the Aquarian

Introduced in 1973, this Marvel character was the first “New Age” superhero. Wundarr’s goal isn’t to fight crime—it’s to enlighten all of humanity with universal consciousness.

Aquanus

An Indonesian version of Aquaman, Aquanus can also breathe underwater and communicate with fish. But he can do something that Aquaman can’t—Aquanus can shoot rainbows from his belt.

Arm Fall Off Boy

This 1940s DC Comics character came here from the 30th century, and his name says it all: He has the ability to detach and reattach at will his own arms and legs, a power gained in an antigravity mishap. (When AFOB removes an arm, it makes a “plorp” sound, which seems exactly right.)

 

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Celebrity Sports: Battle of the Networks Stars

For this tale, we take you back to the 1970s—to a time when the TV landscape was much more sparse, and political correctness was more than a decade away. It was the inaugural Battle of the Network Stars, a celebrity sports event chock full of drama, scandal, triumph, cigarettes, and a few ethnic slurs.

MALIBU, CALIFORNIA, 1976

Battle of the Network Stars was the brainchild of Barry Frank, president of CBS Sports. His goal: to make sports more entertaining by placing non-athletes in athletic events, which wouldn’t be nearly as fun if they also weren’t also beloved TV stars of the day. The success of the first broadcast spawned 18 more Battles of the Network Stars, aired every six months for the next nine years, rotating between CBS, NBC, and ABC. Filmed as if it were the Olympics, the event was hosted by the 1970s’ most cherished sports personalities, led by the legendary Howard Cosell. Who. Said. Every. Word. As. If. It. Were. Its. Own. Sentence. The sideline reporter was Olympic decathlon champion Bruce Jenner, who interviewed the stars after they competed in such events as swimming, kayaking, tennis, cycling, an obstacle course, golf, a slam-dunk contest, and the big final event, the tug-of-war. Although the announcers (somewhat) took the games seriously, the same couldn’t be said for the stars, most of whom showed up merely to have fun and promote their shows. But one star took the proceedings very seriously. Let’s go to the videotape.

WHO LOVES YA, BABY?

The three team captains: CBS’s Telly Savalas of Kojak; ABC’s Gabe Kaplan from Welcome Back, Kotter; and NBC’s Robert Conrad of Baa Baa Black Sheep. After NBC won the 400-meter relay race, Savalas, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, complained to Cosell that NBC’s Ben Murphy (Gemini Man) took the baton “a hundred feet early.” For Savalas, this injustice was more than an insult to his network, it was an insult to his ethnicity. “I’m a Greek-American, a representative of my ancestry who started the Olympic Games,” he said, only half-jokingly. Meanwhile, echoes of “NBC cheated” reverberated throughout Pepperdine University, where the games were held. Cosell asked Savalas pointblank: “So you think NBC should be disqualified?” Savalas replied, “You mentioned that word, Howard, I didn’t. But yes, I think so.”

KNOCK IT OFF, I DARE YOU

When Conrad got wind of the news that his NBC teammate was accused of cheating, the diminutive tough guy—whose famous commercials dared America to knock a battery off his shoulder—complained to Jenner that ABC was merely looking for a scapegoat to blame for their poor performance. “If they’re protesting the fact that we outran them,” Conrad quipped, “then that’s their problem.” Savalas and Kaplan, who’d remained on the sidelines up until that point, entered the fray. Savalas, wearing a red polyester sweatsuit and sparkling gold chains, said to Jenner, who was sporting casual wear, “It’s like if I put my uniform onto you, Bruce, that’s how vulgarly and flagrantly they broke the rules!” Conrad responded with a few racist comments about Kaplan and Savalas, ending with, “I’m German, so I want to kill them both!” Everybody laughed.

UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE!

Then came the ruling: In one of the earliest instances of instant replay being used to overturn a call on the field of a sporting event (seriously), NBC was given a two-second penalty, making ABC the winner. Conrad was even more incensed. He challenged Kaplan to a one-on-one 100-yard race to determine the true winner. Kaplan, with his wry smile, took the challenge. (He didn’t mention that he was a track star in high school.) After a tense wait, the runners left their marks and Kaplan left Conrad in the dust. Teammate Ron Howard (Happy Days) was the first to congratulate him. Conrad, out of breath, said, “That’s the way (pant) I like it. The best man won.” Then he slapped Kaplan on the face (twice) and walked away. In his trademark style, Cosell longwindedly concluded: “And so Gabe Kaplan comes through in the clutch. He understands now why we call it the thrill of victory vis-à-vis the agony of defeat.”

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Rock ’n’ Roll Diary

Gossip and trivia from pop music.

RADIOHEAD 

Bucking the tradition of rock groups trashing hotel rooms, Radiohead actually does the opposite. Not only do they clean up their own rooms, but they once snuck back into a hotel after checking out to clean up a room that their opening band had trashed.

THE WHITE STRIPES

Before he was a rock star, Jack White repaired furniture. At 21 years old, he even started his own business, called Third Man Upholstery. (His slogan: “Your furniture’s not dead.”) Although White enjoyed the work, he wasn’t into the business aspect of it, which began to suffer when his clients stopped taking him seriously. Why? According to White, he’d write poetry inside their furniture and write his invoices in crayon.

HAWKWIND

The 1970s progressive-rock band was playing an outdoor concert during a rainstorm. As part of their theatrical act, singer Nik Turner dressed up in a frog costume and ran onto the stage. On this particular day, however, the stage was muddy and Turner slid all the way across, over the edge, and into a muddy puddle on the ground (just like a real frog).

JOHN & YOKO

In 1969 Lennon and Ono released the avant-garde Wedding Album. Side 1 featured 22 minutes of the couple yelling each others’ names. Side 2 featured recordings of the couple on their honeymoon. According to the book Rock Bottom, “The album caused great hilarity when it was reviewed by a London journalist who was sent an advance copy, in the form of two single-sided discs. Sadly, he didn’t realize that some record companies distribute test pressings in this form, and commented that he preferred the two sides which contained an electronic hum.”

THE COMMODORES

How did they get their name? In 1968 keyboardist William King put on a blindfold, opened up a dictionary, and placed his finger on a random word. “We lucked out,” King recalled. “We almost became the Commodes!”

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Facts about To Kill a Mockingbird

In honor of Harper Lee, who passed away at the age of 89, we look in our vault for some interesting facts about her famous novel, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Why did they title it that?

It was one of the biggest literary stories of 2015—Harper Lee’s long-lost follow-up to To Kill a Mockingbird, written in the 1950s, would finally be published. But even though it’s a sequel, Lee wrote Go Set a Watchman first. It follows the grown-up protagonist Scout as she travels from New York to her hometown of Maycomb, Alabama, during which she tells the story of a Depression-era trial that rocked her small town: a black man was wrongly accused of rape, and Scout’s lawyer father, Atticus Finch, bravely defends him. The title was inspired by the Book of the Prophet Isaiah in the King James Bible: “For thus hath the Lord said unto me, Go, set a watchman, let him declare what he seeth.” In Lee’s book, the “watchman” looking over the town is Atticus Finch. But Lee’s editor rejected the manuscript and urged her to write the story over from the point of view of six-year-old Scout. So Lee spent two years rewriting it, and she also wanted to call the new manuscript Go Set a Watchman…but her editor rejected that as well. He thought a Biblical title would turn off readers outside of the South. Lee renamed it Atticus, but that was turned down, too. So Lee took a line from the book, where Atticus tells his two kids, “It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” The title is symbolic of the destruction of innocence, a major theme throughout both novels.

Banned in Eden Valley

Required reading for schools across the nation, To Kill a Mockingbird delivers a strong message of racial tolerance. Nevertheless, Eden Valley removed it from schools in 1977, and was soon followed by schools in New York, Illinois, and Missouri. Protestors said the book’s violent depiction of a hate crime actually encouraged racism.

Pulitzer Prize

In 1961, when Harper Lee won the Pulitzer Prize for To Kill a Mockingbird, she broke out in hives.

RIP Harper Lee

“The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.” —Harper Lee

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Dancing With (Out) the Stars

Celebrities who didn’t appear on Dancing with the Stars.

Cindy McCain

Shortly after John McCain lost the  2008 presidential election, DWTS producers signed up his wife, Cindy McCain. John nixed the idea.

Vincent Pastore

The Sopranos co-star Vincent Pastore, who once appeared on the weight-loss reality show Celebrity Fit Club, had to drop out during rehearsals because he weighed too much.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan was offered $550,000 to dance, but said: “I’d never do reality TV.”

Sylvester Stallone

Suffering from a career slump, Sylvester Stallone wanted to be on the show…until The Expendables (2010) restored his movie star status.

Ann Romney

In 2012, after Mitt Romney lost the presidential election, his wife Ann was offered a spot. She “seriously considered it,” but declined.

Jewel

Pop singer Jewel quit during rehearsals after fracturing bones in both of her legs.

Jennifer Aniston

Number-one fan request? Jennifer Aniston. But she’s not interested.

Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg  was asked to be on the show, but he said he didn’t “like” it.

Hillary and Bill Clinton

After losing the Democratic presidential primary in 2008, Hillary Clinton seriously thought about competing on DWTS, but accepted the position of Secretary of State instead. (Bill Clinton was also offered a spot, but he said no. Reason: “It’s too much work.”)

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Cheesy Does It

Cheese’s exact origin is unclear, but archaeological evidence reveals that people have been eating it for nearly 8,000 years. These facts are so gouda we had to share them. 

According to Greek mythology, cheese was invented by Aristaeus, a demigod who was the son of Apollo.


According to an Arab legend, thousands of years ago a merchant named Kanana was traveling through the desert. When he stopped to eat, he poured milk out of a bottle made from a calf’s stomach and found that the milk had turned into cheese.


First known book about cheese: Summa Lacticiniorum, by Pantaleone da Confienza, published in Turin in 1477. It was an encyclopaedia of European cheeses.


Why is cheese made in the shape of a wheel? So it can be rolled from place to place.

The largest hunk of cheese ever made (in 1995) was 41⁄2 feet wide, 32 feet long, and weighed more than 28 tons.


When Queen Victoria and Prince Albert were married in 1840, one of their wedding gifts was a giant wheel of cheddar cheese. It weighed over 1,250 pounds. Victoria didn’t know what to do with it, so she sent it on a tour of England.


Cheese can help prevent tooth decay. How? By promoting saliva, which washes sugars and acids off of your teeth.


Most popular cheese dish in the U.S.: macaroni and cheese.

The state of Wisconsin uses the salty brine water left over from the cheese-making process to de-ice the roads.


Colby—a soft, mild form of cheddar—is named after Colby, Wisconsin (population: 1,100), where it was invented in 1874.


The holes in Swiss cheese were long thought to be made by bacteria that emitted carbon dioxide, but in the early 2000s, the holes mysteriously started disappearing. In 2015 researchers at a Swiss agricultural institute discovered why: The cheese was no longer made by hand-milking the cows. Automated machines had taken over, which removed one crucial ingredient: tiny particles of hay. Once the hay was added back into the mixture, the holes reappeared.

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10 Weird Polling Stations Around the Country

This is a major election year. It is your civic duty to vote. When you do, is it at a school or public building, or one of these more eccentric polling stations?

In one Los Angeles precinct, voters went to a swimming pool, with curtained booths set up just inches away from the shallow end.


That’s not even the weirdest one in L.A. One precinct conducts voting inside of a kids’ play area at a McDonald’s franchise.


Patrons of the Sue Nueva Laundromat in Chicago couldn’t get the chore done, as voting booths were blocking the dryers at this polling station.


On San Francisco’s famous Haight Street, the voting station is the lobby of a bed-and-breakfast.


The Gordies Fountation Barber School in Chicago teaches the Windy City’s future barbers, and also hosts voters on Election Day.


Across town, the waiting room of a used car dealership serves as a precinct for some voters.


If you live in Manhattan Beach, California…congratulations! Also, you had to vote at the lifeguard station, right next to the sand and surf.


The Frontier Harley-Davidson store in downtown Lincoln, Nebraska, is the area’s top motorcycle dealer, as well as a polling place.


Varnville, South Carolina, has a population scarcely over 2,000 people, so there aren’t a lot of public places. That’s why resident Vincent Smith offers up his living room as a polling station. (In the also small Brunson, South Carolina, voters vote in a resident’s garage.)

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