Michael Diack's Blog, page 6

Free again for Christmas Eve!

Hi everyone,

It's another freebie day for the Super Spuds.  Hope everyone is excited for Christmas Day tomorrow, I already opened one of my presents...whoops.  


http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Super-Spuds-Book-ebook/dp/B00AR2V99C/ref=sr_1_1?_encoding=UTF8&al_rs=&qid=1356075626&sr=8-1#al_rp

http://www.amazon.com/The-Super-Spuds-Book-ebook/dp/B00AR2V99C/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1356198467&sr=1-1&keywords=michael+diack

Free e-book: The Super Spuds 4

In the spirit of Christmas, the brand new Super Spud adventure is free to download 22nd, 24th and the 29th December!  

http://www.amazon.com/The-Super-Spuds...

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Super Spuds 4 - Out now to download!

I'm very happy to announce that The Super Spuds 4 is now available to download to Kindle. 

UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Super-Spu...

USA: http://www.amazon.com/The-Super-Spuds...

I wish everyone a Happy Christmas and all the best for the new year.

Thanks.

A Twisted Fairy Tale - Part 3

As Melanie was at heart a good fairy, she knew that their plan would hurt the woman.  But Melanie would die without the tooth, and as long as the only damage to the woman was a lost tooth or two, she suppressed any guilt she was feeling for the greater good of her health.  Besides, Melanie was getting tired of hearing her stomach rumbling from hunger.  Jack didn’t care about the woman: the more pain that he caused her, the healthier he would be.  All Tangle Wire Fairies were inherently evil, so Jack didn’t have any emotions – apart from feeling sad and depressed at not causing people PAM! 

The plan was set and Jack was eagerly waiting in position by the oven door.  Melanie was hovering behind the bin ready to fly out and make her escape through a gap behind the kitchen sink.  The woman stood by the oven stirring the potatoes in their pan on the hob.  She was completely oblivious to Jack, who had already begun knotting the two sets of laces together in all kinds of intertwined hell.  Jack finished making the tangle lace mess and retreated to the side of the oven, almost unable to contain his joy at the inevitable PAM that was due any moment.  The woman, satisfied the potatoes were cooked, grabbed the pan and began turning towards the kitchen sink to drain the water.  Before even realizing, she was falling down.  The woman cracked her face against the side of the kitchen sink, and her teeth flew out all over the room.  With a thud she slammed down hard on the cold, tiled floor and the pan she was carrying emptied its boiling hot contents all over her body, scolding her face, hands and chest.  Melanie was shocked at the pain the woman was in, but quickly flew out and grabbed a tooth from the floor.  The husband then came running in concerned from the noise and upon seeing his wife on the floor, ran over to her, but in doing so, ignored the water around him.  The man slipped on the puddles of greasy, starch-laden water and went feet first into the air, cracking his skull open on the tiles – he died instantly.  Melanie wasn’t aware that the man had died, for she was already up in the loft with her prize and greedily eating away at the calcium.  Jack, on the other hand, had watched the carnage from the top of the fridge and his excitement levels were high enough to last him for another 75 years, let alone six months.  With no-one else in the house and no ambulance on the way, the woman died a few hours later still lying on the floor with her husband beside her.  In a final despicable act, a laughing Jack flew down and undid his masterful shoelace tangle, to avoid any suspicion of why the woman had fallen.
The bodies were discovered the next day by one of their children, and the coroner concluded that their deaths were accidental.  Six months later, the house had new owners: a young couple with no children, yet.  Jack didn’t care anymore, for he was still laughing blissfully at the PAM he had created and Melanie had finished the last of the woman’s tooth.  But it didn’t matter anymore that she had run out of calcium, for the 75 years were finally up and Jack and Melanie were instantly teleported to Fairyland.  Instantly, Rose the Tooth Fairy and Jim the Tangle Wire Fairy took over for Melanie and Jack in the house to begin their 75 year reign. 
Unfortunately for Melanie and Jack, their stairway to heaven was not certified yet for they had to be judged by the Fairy Godfather.  Melanie, unaware that the woman and man had both died, was sat in the judgement room eagerly waiting to being transported to the dentists.  Jack was also confident he had been evil enough to secure an eternal life of creating PAM in the hospital.          “Melanie, please step forward to be judged,” said the Fairy Godfather in his deep and commanding voice. “Melanie, you are charged with helping to cause the deaths of two innocent humans.  For this deplorable and vile act, I sentence you to your fairy Hell.”Melanie broke down into tears, she didn’t know she helped to commit murder and she was teleported straight away to Osteoporosis Island – the most calcium-deficient place in the universe.          “Jack, please step forward to be judged.”Jack walked forward expressing a cocky smile and swagger, already plotting what he was going to do with all the intensive care wires and IV bags.            “For helping a Tooth Fairy avoid starving to death, you have done a good deed and for this, I must sentence you to your fairy Hell,” said the Fairy Godfather.Jack stood in shock and utter disbelief, and was then teleported to his fairy Hell – a futuristic Earth with wireless technology for everything. 

A Twisted Fairy Tale - Part 2

Luckily for Jack, the answer came when the owners decided to have their loft insulated.  For the past 30 years Melanie had been content to literally stay in the loft, rationing her calcium intake and not taking a blind bit of notice of what went on in the house.  All she cared for was reaching 75 and going to her heaven. When the builder suddenly opened the loft door and came in, Melanie was so startled by him that she had darted into the wall space to avoid detection – for it was absolutely forbidden by the Magic Fairy Code to be seen or caught by a human.  In escaping from the narrow clutches of being revealed, Melanie had left her last remaining molar tooth behind.  Once the builders had finished insulating the loft, the tooth was nowhere to be found and Melanie was facing the prospect of starving to death, 6 months shy of 75.  Drinking milk was no good either, for only the calcium loaded teeth was sufficient to substantially compliment her cravings.  Feeling depressed and hungry, Melanie bumped into an ever-increasingly weary Jack in the wall space between the lounge and the dining room.  Melanie was the first to break their 74-and-a-half year silence.        “I need your help,” she asked Jack.        “I only tangle wires, not pull teeth out.  What makes you think I’d want to help you?”        “Because unless we work together for our own mutual benefit, we’ll be dead in the next month and then we’ll have to start our 75 years all over again.  Do you really fancy giving up after almost making it to 75?”        “I’m so tired of tangling all the same wires every night.  The two humans actually enjoy untangling them now as it gives them something to do with their uneventful days, apart from their daily newspaper crossword.  There’s nothing I can do anymore, now go away and leave me to die – alone.”
In the old days, Melanie had often heard Jack sniggering away to himself after he had created a significant amount of PAM.  Now, with his mental health degrading every hour, Jack was nothing more than a manic depressive and his death was due very soon.           “All I need is one tooth and that will be enough to feed on until I’m 75.  I have an idea of how to get one, but I need your help in creating a tangle wire which has nothing to do with electrical cables.”Jack was intrigued by Melanie’s proposed new method of creating a tangle mess and he perked up, producing a sadistic grin and rubbing his hands together in a scheming manner.            “How can I create PAM again?”        “When the children were around and before I permanently resided in the loft, the woman used to stand in the kitchen making food for the whole family.  Does she still do this?”        “Every day at five like clockwork, she slaves away in the kitchen while the man watches television with his feet up.  It’s very unfair on her, actually.”             “Excellent, does the woman wear shoes with laces?”            “Yes, but tangling shoelaces together is amateurish at best.  I haven’t done it for 70 years; the humans simply untie them before they put them on.”           “Exactly, before they put them on.  Have you ever tangled the laces together while the humans are wearing them?”Jack’s body language positively improved at Melanie’s words.  Tying the shoelaces together while the woman was standing would definitely create a large amount of PAM when she next moved and, subsequently, fell.  Tying them together while the person was wearing them was an extremely risky business though.  If Jack got caught, he would face imprisonment in his respective fairy jail.  Fortunately though, only two incidents of “I saw a fairy” cases have ever been reported, with the man or woman who saw the fairy always being labelled a lunatic and imprisoned in an insane asylum.  It was a very unfortunate outcome for both fairy and human, hence the imperative placed on all fairies of not getting caught.  But the seriousness of the situation for both Melanie and Jack meant they had no other way of surviving without drastic action and mutual coalition.
         “Hopefully, the woman will trip up and smash her jaw against the side of the kitchen units or on the floor.  She’ll certainly be in pain, aggravation and misery – she may even die.  That would certainly make me happy enough to last until I reach 75.  You have yourself a partner, Melanie,” said Jack.The prospect of creating PAM again had postponed Jack from slipping into a coma for at least three days, but sooner or later simply thinking about the distress he was going to cause would not suffice to meet his survival need.  Melanie and Jack spent the first day planning their assault.  Jack would hide in the side space between the oven and the kitchen unit and, while the woman was busy cooking food on the hobs, he would sneak out and tie her laces together.  Then when she moved, she would trip up and hopefully crack her face against one of the side units, displacing a tooth.  Melanie would then rapidly fly out and carry her food away.  Fairies flew very fast and stealthily, so Melanie was confident the woman would be in too much shock to notice a fairy flying around the kitchen.  Jack was also confident that this last evil deed would be more than sufficient to last him the remaining time.  Melanie and Jack would then go their separate ways once the plan succeeded. 

A Twisted Fairy Tale - Part 1

Something a bit different today just to break up the Super Spuds.  I thought I'd share some of my short stories, starting with the first part to 'A Twisted Fairy Tale' - a dark take on the normal fairy tale...



There are two fairies that live in each and every household in the world.  The first one, the Tooth Fairy, is a peaceful and benevolent fairy who rewards children for parting with their teeth.  The second one, the Tangle Wire Fairy, is the exact opposite: it is a mischievous and wicked fairy with a very unpleasant personality.  Most people are familiar with the Tooth Fairy; she’s the one who replaces a person’s recently departed tooth, or teeth, with various amounts of money.  The exact amount of money depends on the size and quality of the tooth according to the Calcium Index.  It’s not just the size that matters, but the amount of calcium which the tooth contains.  Calcium is as precious to a Tooth Fairy as platinum or gold is to us humans.  A smaller, incisor tooth which is high in calcium may be worth more than a larger, molar tooth that is calcium-deficient.  You see, a Tooth Fairy has to eat to survive and it requires an ample supply of calcium to do this.  A single calcium-loaded molar tooth can keep a Tooth Fairy going for two years; which is just as well, because once the children in the house grow up it is slim pickings for the Tooth Fairy; until either the parents reach old age and begin losing their teeth, or the house has new occupants and they begin reproducing their own children.    What about the other, less well-known fairy?  Like the Tooth Fairy is always female, the Tangle Wire Fairy is always male and all he wants to do is to cause pain, aggravation, and misery – or PAM, for short.  The existence of the Tooth Fairy is unquestionable – how else does a tooth magically change into money during the middle of the night?  There can be no other explanation than a fairy, whose magical touch gently lifts the pillow and performs a silent, unnoticeable switch (and only a woman’s touch could ever be that gentle).  The Tangle Wire Fairy is much craftier in his work and he thrives from producing ever more cunning and deceptive tangles, to the extent that most humans blame the mass of tangle wires on their own clumsiness.  Every tangle wire mess in your home now is because of him setting his tangle wire traps whenever someone isn’t looking.  The games controllers, the computer wires, the iPod headphone wires, shoelaces, and anything else that can be tangled and twisted into a confusing mass – including cold and leftover spaghetti – are all a result of his sinister work.  Like the Tooth Fairy needs calcium to live on, the Tangle Wire Fairy feeds not on physical food, but on the emotional distress of his victims.  His “mental” food comes from rejoicing in seeing his victims becoming irate at failing to decipher his knotting patterns.  The more emotional someone becomes because of one of his tangle wire hells, the mentally healthier and happier the Tangle Wire Fairy is.  It sounds easy, but if the Tangle Wire Fairy goes a month without causing someone PAM, he quickly becomes depressed, slips into a coma and then consequently dies within a matter of days. 
Surviving is critical for our two types of fairies for only when they reach the grand old age of 75-years are they entitled to leave their house and go to their respected fairy heavens and to live happily ever after.  The Magic Fairy Code, however, states that there always has to be these two fairies in a home, and if they happen to die before reaching 75, they simply start their 75-year time frame all over again.  It doesn’t sound too bad, dying and then coming straight back again, but the only dream of a fairy is to reach their heaven.  For the Tooth Fairy, it is the dentists – a place of unlimited calcium and an endless mix of teeth all day long.  For the Tangle Wire Fairy, it is the hospital and a chance to cause PAM all day long to the patients, doctors and nurses. If either the Tooth Fairy or the Tangle Wire Fairy is lucky enough to reach 75 and leave their house, they are simply replaced by a new fairy.   A house always has to contain two fairies – it’s the fairy law.

In a detached house on a small cul-de-sac there contains two particular fairies, Melanie the Tooth Fairy and Jack the Tangle Wire Fairy.  The house was built 74-years ago, and when the last brick was laid Melanie and Jack magically appeared in their new home.    As usual with the two types of fairies, Melanie and Jack had mutually stayed away from each other for most of the time.  Melanie had no interest in making silly knots and Jack was disgusted at the notion of eating people’s old and decaying teeth.  Melanie had made the loft her permanent area of residency; it was isolated, dark and perfect for hoarding her stockpiles of calcium.  Jack preferred to constantly move around the house and in between the walls, taking full advantage of the pipes so that he could take pleasure in watching the home’s occupants vehemently struggling with his tangle wires.  The first 20 years of the house had been a joyous time for Melanie and Jack.  The couple who lived there had reproduced bountifully: four children, three of which were boys.  Melanie had made those children rather rich in their childhood; it was a win-win situation for her really.  The more money she gave them, the more sweets that they could buy and, through doing so, the quicker their teeth decayed and fell out.  The trouble for Melanie was that because she had been so generous, the ensuing feast of sweets that the children had eaten – along with their low calcium diet – meant that the quality of the teeth which she had amassed over the years was very poor indeed.  Despite having over 40 teeth in her collection, they were only grade E on the Calcium Index and would only provide half the calcium of grade A specimens.  Fortunately for Melanie, she still had enough teeth to see her through the final six months of her 75-year reign.  Life had been merry for Jack in the early years as well, the three boys were mad about computer games and every night when they went to bed, Jack would criss-cross the controller wires over and over.  One day it had taken the boys 15 minutes to unravel the controllers, meaning their playing time was all but over.  This had led to an almighty argument with their parents resulting in the boys becoming grounded for a week and with no games at all.  Jack had taken so much pleasure from this he wasn’t feeling depressed again for 6 months, and, furthermore, once the boys were banned from gaming, he simply re-created his tangle wire controller hell all over again.  Once the kids grew up and left the house, Jack had to settle for winding up the two parents on a daily basis and thinking of ever new ingenious and subtle ways of creating a mess of tangle wires.  But as time went on, Jack became increasingly bored at making the same mess of television and DVD player wires and became mentally unhappier.  If Jack didn’t think of a new way to create PAM, he would slip into a coma and die, only 6 months shy of his retirement age. 

The Super Spuds 4 - Blurb reveal

The Super Spuds return in another thrilling adventure!
When King Martin sets out to rescue G-Boa, a heroic blueberry flavour imprisoned in China, he finds himself braving the oceans, getting caught up in a war of colours in the USA, battling with pirates and even falling in love with a famous movie star. 
But a time-bomb is ticking …an evil Super Spud is secretly planning world domination.  Faced with their deadliest enemy yet, the Super Spuds must unite together or face extinction. 
Fun, original and full of crazy adventures, Michael Diack’s hilarious second book is sure to make you smile.

Book 4 cover reveal

One of my favourite parts of publishing a book has got to be working with the cover designer.  It's a fantastic process communicating your ideas back and forth, discussing what you like and don't and finally coming to the end design.  It's with great excitement I can reveal The Super Spuds 4 - Over Land and Sea.     


Happy Christmas season everyone!

The Hobbit

I thought I’d write a post expressing my love for this book and my excitement about the release of the first part of the film next month.  Personally, I didn’t mind when I heard they were making three films not one.   I want to see the White Council kick the Necromancer’s ass in Mirkwood and everything else.  I’m fairly confident in Peter Jackson’s ability as a director to ensure each film is just as amazing and visually stunning as well.    I loved the Lord of the Rings films (who didn’t) and for me, the part where Rohan enters the Battle of the Pelennor Fields is still the greatest cinema moment I’ve experienced and I’m hoping that in The Hobbit, the moment where Gandalf sees the goblins approaching in The Battle of the Five Armies eclipses it.  In fact, seeing Smaug for the first time should also be pretty good in the cinema.
The Hobbit is by far my favourite book of all time and I own many versions of it.   I dabbled with looking into a first edition to buy, but a few things made me say no.  Obviously the price was close to ten thousand dollars (!) but I was also thinking I had no experience in looking after rare, first edition books.  I looked at the first edition books on the internet that people had and they were all kept in a vacuum state, within almost safe-like glass and wood cupboards.  For me, I think books should be read and worn out and so I would want to read it and show it off but ultimately this would ruin it.  If I was going to spend that much money, I guess it would make sense to keep it pristine and pass it on as a family heirloom.  
After reading this book in primary school, my teacher got me into the Lord of the Rings and from there, I continued reading all of Tolkien’s work.   The Silmarillion is my second favourite book of all time.  What I loved most about The Hobbit is its broad appeal to both children and adults and the fact that so much happens, with such fantastical battles, descriptions and character dialogue despite the book being only a few hundred pages long.  It's the one book you can reread every year and get into from the first page, despite knowing how it will turn out.  Tolkien's writing just draws you in every time and you can't help but be transported into the Middle-earth straight away.  I’ve just never been able to get into another author’s fantasy series, such as Game of Thrones or The Wheel of Time, mainly because I lose patience and I just can’t help thinking perfection has already been achieved by Tolkien and everything else is just a poorer, longer copy version.
What does everyone else think about The Hobbit?  Are you looking forward to the film?
Super Spuds update:
In the last week I received some fantastic reviews:
Bloody brilliant. I loved these magical creatures and all the unique personalities and stories behind them! Very tongue-in-cheek humor with a great mix of fantasy and reality with comical twists on our modern world (Molly and Sculder anyone??) Mr. Diack has created a wholly enjoyable world to visit where you can expect the unexpected. I read this in one sitting as it was so enjoyable and entertaining, and admittedly very different from what I normally read. But I’m so glad I took a chance and if Mr. Diack writes any more in the future (I think he’s found his niche here) I’ll be the first in line to buy it.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------OMG lol what did I just read? Haha this has to be one of the most, if not THE most clever, original, and funny books I’ve ever read. I was chuckling almost from the beginning and I’ll never be able to look at potato chips (or “crisps”) the same way again! (Much like what happened after I saw the movie “Antz”). I could totally see this book (or its concept) being a movie, or even better a tv show cartoon on Adult Swim. Epic. There are so many great characters in here (love the list at the end, lol!!) and each are funny and awesome in their own right. It’s technically 3 books in one, which is why it’s called a “trilogy”, but it’s about the length of an average book so don’t be intimidated. Although when it’s done you’ll be wishing there was more! (5 stars).
Obviously I’m chuffed to bits by the response and I’d love to see this concept as a TV show or film.  I have no clue about how to go about doing this but it’s something I think I’ll have to research about.   At least give it a try and see what happens, otherwise I’ll never know.  My editor is busy on Book 4 of the Super Spuds and I’m hoping for a Christmas release, so that’s exciting as well.
Thanks everyone!

What really happened to Crispian the hedgehog…

Here is the “real” story, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-20151566, although this is what actually happened:
General Martin led his team of steak and spinach flavour Super Spuds through the perilous woods that surrounding their rubbish tip city of Mt Ibri, Weston-super-Mare.  They were on a mission to gather mushrooms growing in the forest.   The king of Mt Ibri, King Boris, had developed an insatiable appetite for mushrooms and demanded that a plate of the freshest mushrooms was on his dinner table every night.  It was a risky mission, the woods were full of enemies: foxes, badgers, birds, and last but not least, hedgehogs.  General Martin wasn’t scared, he had been into these woods many times before; his trusty sword – a sharpened HB pencil – had killed many enemies while his shield – a 2p coin – had protected him from the sharpest of claws.                   “Quiet troops, we’re deep behind enemy lines now,” whispered General Martin.
Unknown to the four Super Spuds, they were already being tracked by Crispian and his gang of hedgehogs.  The mushrooms were a delicacy for the hedgehogs too and they were growing tired of the Super Spuds stealing their food.  Crispian was also a young hedgehog, fiercely territorial and desperate to impress the female hedgehogs in the woods.   Lying in wait upon higher ground, Crispian could see the Super Spuds approaching their position.  Crispian, along with his gang, curled into a ball and began rolling down the hill towards the Super Spuds, gaining terrific speed.                “Ambush!” screamed General Martin.General Martin managed to dive out of the way of the incoming spike balls, but the rest of his squad died instantly once the hedgehogs slammed into – and subsequently impaled – their packages.  Crispian and his gang unrolled and slowly approached General Martin.  Despite killing two hedgehogs, General Martin was outnumbered and surrounded.  Crispian dealt the lethal blow, painfully removing one of his spikes from his body and throwing it threw General Martin like a javelin.   Crispian had impressed his gang and especially the females, but he was in bad shape. Removing one of his spikes had sent his body into shock and he was left with no choice but to rip open General Martin and hide inside his packet to prevent heat loss.                  Two hours later and the humans arrived.  Thinking Crispian had become trapped inside the crisp packet, the humans felt sorry for him and took him away for medical care, saving his life.  Crispian smiled to himself; soon he would be healed and could return to his woods to lead his gang once more.   Back in Mt Ibri, King Boris was furious his mushrooms hadn’t arrived.