Casper Kelly's Blog, page 2
May 21, 2012
Composing Goodreads Ads
Goodreads has a program where you write little classified ads to plug your book. You only pay when people click on it. It's been thoroughly enjoyable - sort of like writing a haiku, or a Burma Shave ad or something. A nice thing is you can target the ads to only show on pages of specific authors (for me that's people like Charles Yu, George Saunders, or maybe Ray Bradbury) so I don't annoy people who are, say, on the "Heaven is Real" page. Here's some attempts. They are awaiting approval. Wish me luck!
More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer Weird/sad/funny/perverse/twee/quasi sci-fi and or literary stories from Adult Swim writer Casper Kelly (Squidbillies, Aqua Teen, Birdman)
Who needs a traditional publisher?
Apparently me. I wouldn’t be here at 3am eating cold pad thai and trying to compose Goodreads ads. Give me e-love I obviously crave.
Help! I'm trapped in a Goodreads ad!
Please add my book so I may receive my food pellet. Book title: More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer. (Does not contain spaceships or cancer.)
Sex Fantasies at Work
...is the name a novella in this absurdist short story collection. And it delivers the goods, but in a funny way, not like Fifty Shades of Grey or anything.
I am a shy person
And I seek the love I need by writing books and tiny, tiny Goodreads ads.
Do guys read anymore?
Or are they too wrapped up in video games and our current new Golden Age of Television? Just noticing a trend where books that appeal to women seem to dominate the bestseller list. Prove me wrong, men bitches!
Mystery/Thriller Fiction is Boring as Hell
The covers all have a knife or a woman’s torso or the silhouette of a guy running. Or handcuffs. They are the McDonalds of books. Time to try that hot new Indian/Mexican fusion place you read about (metaphorically) fool!
Can you say "penis" in a Goodreads ad?
Well, now we know the answer to that. Read this book of quasi-science fiction absurdist short stories by an Adult Swim TV writer.
Where is the male version of 50 Shades of Grey?
It will never exist. Didn’t you hear? The internet has streaming video. Now read a book of funny short stories completely unrelated to what I’ve just said.
Win 50 pounds of books!
No, no. Why did I just say that? Total lie. Total lie. I think I am losing my head folks. Need to stop writing Goodreads ads and go to bed. It is 3 am. Please add this book already.
If Ray Bradbury and Raymond Carver had a baby
That would have been weird. The baby also might have written this book. (Assuming the baby grew up and was equally influenced by each parent rather than just completely rebelling and becoming like an accountant in Tucson. (Nothing against accountants. If I had money I would probably have one.)
More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer Weird/sad/funny/perverse/twee/quasi sci-fi and or literary stories from Adult Swim writer Casper Kelly (Squidbillies, Aqua Teen, Birdman)
Who needs a traditional publisher?
Apparently me. I wouldn’t be here at 3am eating cold pad thai and trying to compose Goodreads ads. Give me e-love I obviously crave.
Help! I'm trapped in a Goodreads ad!
Please add my book so I may receive my food pellet. Book title: More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer. (Does not contain spaceships or cancer.)
Sex Fantasies at Work
...is the name a novella in this absurdist short story collection. And it delivers the goods, but in a funny way, not like Fifty Shades of Grey or anything.
I am a shy person
And I seek the love I need by writing books and tiny, tiny Goodreads ads.
Do guys read anymore?
Or are they too wrapped up in video games and our current new Golden Age of Television? Just noticing a trend where books that appeal to women seem to dominate the bestseller list. Prove me wrong, men bitches!
Mystery/Thriller Fiction is Boring as Hell
The covers all have a knife or a woman’s torso or the silhouette of a guy running. Or handcuffs. They are the McDonalds of books. Time to try that hot new Indian/Mexican fusion place you read about (metaphorically) fool!
Can you say "penis" in a Goodreads ad?
Well, now we know the answer to that. Read this book of quasi-science fiction absurdist short stories by an Adult Swim TV writer.
Where is the male version of 50 Shades of Grey?
It will never exist. Didn’t you hear? The internet has streaming video. Now read a book of funny short stories completely unrelated to what I’ve just said.
Win 50 pounds of books!
No, no. Why did I just say that? Total lie. Total lie. I think I am losing my head folks. Need to stop writing Goodreads ads and go to bed. It is 3 am. Please add this book already.
If Ray Bradbury and Raymond Carver had a baby
That would have been weird. The baby also might have written this book. (Assuming the baby grew up and was equally influenced by each parent rather than just completely rebelling and becoming like an accountant in Tucson. (Nothing against accountants. If I had money I would probably have one.)
May 16, 2012
Humor enthusiasts!
I'd like to tell you about a book I looked upon. It is a collection of funny bitlets by a host of amazing writers and artists. Stray thoughts:
1. A lot of the pieces are by Onion and Daily Show writers. It is great to see them have a chance to write some things non-Oniony/non-Daily-Showy.
2. I read it cover to cover and didn't skip around. That is rare for me. It's that good!
3. More than a few of the pieces I was jealous I hadn't thought of first. Always a good sign. For example, Plathy is a mash-up between Sylvia Plath and the Cathy comic strip. Yes, I know you hate the word "mash-up", so do I, but we live in a fast changing world and must use the words at hand to describe these new and fast changing things. I guess I could have used "juxtaposition."
4. I'm also jealous of the title. I feel like I've read at least a half dozen works of fiction that describe breasts as pendulous and yet never stopped to think how silly that sounds. I want to say two of the works were by John Updike. (I like John Updike, not trying to be snarky there. Not excessively snarky, anyway.)
5. Sadly it is not put out quarterly. It's just the one. Go ahead and pick up it up!
6. Oh yeah, proceeds go to the 826 National tutoring program.
PENDULOUS BREASTS QUARTERLY
1. A lot of the pieces are by Onion and Daily Show writers. It is great to see them have a chance to write some things non-Oniony/non-Daily-Showy.
2. I read it cover to cover and didn't skip around. That is rare for me. It's that good!
3. More than a few of the pieces I was jealous I hadn't thought of first. Always a good sign. For example, Plathy is a mash-up between Sylvia Plath and the Cathy comic strip. Yes, I know you hate the word "mash-up", so do I, but we live in a fast changing world and must use the words at hand to describe these new and fast changing things. I guess I could have used "juxtaposition."
4. I'm also jealous of the title. I feel like I've read at least a half dozen works of fiction that describe breasts as pendulous and yet never stopped to think how silly that sounds. I want to say two of the works were by John Updike. (I like John Updike, not trying to be snarky there. Not excessively snarky, anyway.)
5. Sadly it is not put out quarterly. It's just the one. Go ahead and pick up it up!
6. Oh yeah, proceeds go to the 826 National tutoring program.
PENDULOUS BREASTS QUARTERLY
May 14, 2012
Cover Artist
People have been asking me about the cover artist to my book, More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer. His name is Kimiaki Yaegashi and I love, love, love his work.
Here's his website: okimi.com
Here's where you can buy some of his work: Thumbtack Press
Here's some of his new work. Right now he's in a bit of a pizza phase.
Here's his website: okimi.com
Here's where you can buy some of his work: Thumbtack Press
Here's some of his new work. Right now he's in a bit of a pizza phase.
May 7, 2012
xTx & me
I've been a fan of fiction writer xTx for some time now and you should be too. Her stuff is raw and funny and sick and excited and pained and I relate to it. There's her blog, her book Normally Special, countless stories on the web and her free ebook, Nobody Trusts a Black Magician. The first story I read of hers is a hilariously exaggerated self-effacing screed of sexual ineptitude, CIRCLE SLASH ERECTIONS. It's Lena Dunham on steroids before Lena Dunham. I wrote a male response to this, I BET I'M MAKING YOU EXTREMELY NOT WET RIGHT NOW, and to my delight xTx rather liked it. She's allowed me to reprint both after the jump. Caution, these are pretty raunchy, thoroughly unerotic, and hopefully funny. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
CIRCLE SLASH ERECTIONS by xTx I have no sexual prowess. Inability to engorge penises is my specialty. If you feel ‘boners are bothersome,’ look no further. I am the girl for you.
If you enjoy your penis in its flaccid state, give me a call. I will awkwardly fumble around in your crotch using my face, mouth, and hands. After bumping your nuts softly with my forehead for twelve minutes, you might want to encourage me to try using my mouth. I will make motorboat sounds against your limp noodle for a while and you might stifle a giggle because, while not eliciting feelings of ecstasy, it does tickle a bit, and oh what a funny sound it makes!
At that point I might recollect a porno or two and decide to fellate you properly. I’ll take you into my mouth and gargle your listless member like it was congealed Listerine. You—with your head resting on your arms crossed so casually behind your head—will marvel at my incompetence. You will think, "My dick hasn’t been this soft since that one time I accidentally watched that beheading video. This girl is truly amazing!"
I will struggle for maybe an hour while you never get hard. You will especially enjoy when I use the backs of my hands to trap your droopy wiener and softly rub it back and forth like a germaphobe attempting to create fire from sticks. You will watch it twist and untangle, twist and untangle: a peach-colored festival toy.
Whenever I look up to your eyes—so full of failure that I am a hair’s breadth from crying—you will whisper, "You’re doing fine, really." Even though I think you’re lying, your smile is so kind that I get back to work, playing the ‘where’s your nose’ game with the four inches of floppy flesh you have so graciously chosen to share with my ineptitude.
Your ejaculation is my hard work. Your climax is my perseverance. Your nut bust is my can-do attitude. Your orgasm is my never-say-die determination in the face of mounting failure.Nobody has ever worked so hard for you, accomplishing nothing, but so content in the trying.Could this be love? you’ll think, and later, when we’re both quiet and resting from it all, you’ll ask me questions that matter. You’ll commit my answers to memory because now, you want to try....for me.
I BET I’M MAKING YOU EXTREMELY NOT WET RIGHT NOWby Casper Kelly
I have no sexual prowess. If your vagina is a hot house flower than consider me the winter frost. I'm like Arid Extra Dry for your vagina pit. If you’re wearing a thin blouse and find nipple erections uncomfortable or embarrassing, look no further. I am your “man.”
If you enjoy your clit the exact opposite of swollen or enflamed, shoot me a text. I will blunderbuss about your secret garden using my fingers, tongue, and penis. After biting the area around your nipples for twelve minutes, you might want to mention that doesn’t do much for you. I will stick my tongue down your earholes before working my way “downtonw” leaving a trail of slobber along your torso. I had Mexican for lunch. I will tongue your urethra, or is it your anus, who can be sure? Enjoy the short breathed snot whistles of my clogged sinuses as I tongue your thighs with all the panache of a day laborer applying paint to drywall.
At that point I might recollect a comedy routine about cunnilingus and decide to do it “properly.” I’ll mistake part of your vagina lips for your clit and “lick the alphabet,” although in reality I basically stick to the letter “I.” You— marveling at my incompetence —will point me in the right direction. As I chew your clit like bubblegum it will be a decision you come to regret. You will think, “My pussy hasn’t been this dry since I got sand in it at the beach. This dude is truly special!”
I will struggle for maybe an hour while you lie that you’re getting closer and your clit goes directly from not aroused to sore without passing “go.” You will finally throw in the towel and say you want me “inside you.” Get ready to be pounded! My massive frame will make you breathless in ways my unmassive member can only dream of.
Whenever I look up to your eyes—so desperate for validation that my rickety erection is constantly on the verge of collapsing completely—you will stop thinking about what you are going to do this weekend and moan, “Oh god.” Even though I think you’re lying, I am already ejaculating. You suddenly realize I am finished and start to fake an orgasm but I am already limp and slipped out. No worries! I will perform my patented move of grinding you with my pelvis.
Your fake orgasm is my honorable mention. Your pretend climax is my “puss”-a-verance. I have the curly hair stuck to my tongue, and you the numb/sore clit, to prove it. It is a lie but it is our lie.
Could this be love? I’ll think, and later, when we’re resting from it all, I’ll ask you about things that interest you in order to compensate for my failure in bed. You will answer vacantly, busy imagining how you will put this event into words accurately when you call your friends, while waiting the minimum polite length of time to bid farewell, saying something came up. I will joke that something indeed has “come up,” motioning to my penis, but since it is still flaccid and almost turned inward on itself in it’s own dried semen the joke isn’t as funny/flirty as it could have been.
CIRCLE SLASH ERECTIONS by xTx I have no sexual prowess. Inability to engorge penises is my specialty. If you feel ‘boners are bothersome,’ look no further. I am the girl for you.
If you enjoy your penis in its flaccid state, give me a call. I will awkwardly fumble around in your crotch using my face, mouth, and hands. After bumping your nuts softly with my forehead for twelve minutes, you might want to encourage me to try using my mouth. I will make motorboat sounds against your limp noodle for a while and you might stifle a giggle because, while not eliciting feelings of ecstasy, it does tickle a bit, and oh what a funny sound it makes!
At that point I might recollect a porno or two and decide to fellate you properly. I’ll take you into my mouth and gargle your listless member like it was congealed Listerine. You—with your head resting on your arms crossed so casually behind your head—will marvel at my incompetence. You will think, "My dick hasn’t been this soft since that one time I accidentally watched that beheading video. This girl is truly amazing!"
I will struggle for maybe an hour while you never get hard. You will especially enjoy when I use the backs of my hands to trap your droopy wiener and softly rub it back and forth like a germaphobe attempting to create fire from sticks. You will watch it twist and untangle, twist and untangle: a peach-colored festival toy.
Whenever I look up to your eyes—so full of failure that I am a hair’s breadth from crying—you will whisper, "You’re doing fine, really." Even though I think you’re lying, your smile is so kind that I get back to work, playing the ‘where’s your nose’ game with the four inches of floppy flesh you have so graciously chosen to share with my ineptitude.
Your ejaculation is my hard work. Your climax is my perseverance. Your nut bust is my can-do attitude. Your orgasm is my never-say-die determination in the face of mounting failure.Nobody has ever worked so hard for you, accomplishing nothing, but so content in the trying.Could this be love? you’ll think, and later, when we’re both quiet and resting from it all, you’ll ask me questions that matter. You’ll commit my answers to memory because now, you want to try....for me.
I BET I’M MAKING YOU EXTREMELY NOT WET RIGHT NOWby Casper Kelly
I have no sexual prowess. If your vagina is a hot house flower than consider me the winter frost. I'm like Arid Extra Dry for your vagina pit. If you’re wearing a thin blouse and find nipple erections uncomfortable or embarrassing, look no further. I am your “man.”
If you enjoy your clit the exact opposite of swollen or enflamed, shoot me a text. I will blunderbuss about your secret garden using my fingers, tongue, and penis. After biting the area around your nipples for twelve minutes, you might want to mention that doesn’t do much for you. I will stick my tongue down your earholes before working my way “downtonw” leaving a trail of slobber along your torso. I had Mexican for lunch. I will tongue your urethra, or is it your anus, who can be sure? Enjoy the short breathed snot whistles of my clogged sinuses as I tongue your thighs with all the panache of a day laborer applying paint to drywall.
At that point I might recollect a comedy routine about cunnilingus and decide to do it “properly.” I’ll mistake part of your vagina lips for your clit and “lick the alphabet,” although in reality I basically stick to the letter “I.” You— marveling at my incompetence —will point me in the right direction. As I chew your clit like bubblegum it will be a decision you come to regret. You will think, “My pussy hasn’t been this dry since I got sand in it at the beach. This dude is truly special!”
I will struggle for maybe an hour while you lie that you’re getting closer and your clit goes directly from not aroused to sore without passing “go.” You will finally throw in the towel and say you want me “inside you.” Get ready to be pounded! My massive frame will make you breathless in ways my unmassive member can only dream of.
Whenever I look up to your eyes—so desperate for validation that my rickety erection is constantly on the verge of collapsing completely—you will stop thinking about what you are going to do this weekend and moan, “Oh god.” Even though I think you’re lying, I am already ejaculating. You suddenly realize I am finished and start to fake an orgasm but I am already limp and slipped out. No worries! I will perform my patented move of grinding you with my pelvis.
Your fake orgasm is my honorable mention. Your pretend climax is my “puss”-a-verance. I have the curly hair stuck to my tongue, and you the numb/sore clit, to prove it. It is a lie but it is our lie.
Could this be love? I’ll think, and later, when we’re resting from it all, I’ll ask you about things that interest you in order to compensate for my failure in bed. You will answer vacantly, busy imagining how you will put this event into words accurately when you call your friends, while waiting the minimum polite length of time to bid farewell, saying something came up. I will joke that something indeed has “come up,” motioning to my penis, but since it is still flaccid and almost turned inward on itself in it’s own dried semen the joke isn’t as funny/flirty as it could have been.
May 6, 2012
Now on iTunes
"More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer" is now available on iTunes in 32 countries including the USA, Canada, Ireland, Cypress, and Latvia. I'm pulling for you, Latvia! Surely among your 2.2 million citizens there is one English speaker willing to take a gamble on a collection of quasi-literary/science fictional/humorous/horror/metafictional short stories! Check it.
"More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer" is now availab...
"More Stories about Spaceships and Cancer" is now available on iTunes in 32 countries including the USA, Canada, Ireland, Cypress, and Latvia. I'm pulling for you, Latvia! Surely among your 2.2 million citizens there is one English speaker willing to take a gamble on a collection of quasi-literary/science fictional/humorous/horror/metafictional short stories! Check it.
April 30, 2012
My story "The Sensitive Person's Joke Book" appears in Ne...
My story "The Sensitive Person's Joke Book" appears in Necessary Fiction.
My story "Adventures in Stapling" appears in Monkeybicycle.
My story "Adventures in Stapling" appears in Monkeybicycle.
Here's a short film I wrote and directed. It was in the B...
Here's a short film I wrote and directed. It was in the Baltimore Film Festival and also screened at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. It features the talents of Randy Havens and London LaRay. It was shot by Dave Bonawits, who directed the awesome film, Pleasant People (in which I play a small part as the protagonist's boss).
Here's an older short film I'm still pretty fond of featuring Claire Bronson and Brad Brooks.
Here's an older short film I'm still pretty fond of featuring Claire Bronson and Brad Brooks.
April 9, 2012
November 16, 2011
My name is Casper Kelly. I'm a writer/director/artist bas...
My name is Casper Kelly. I'm a writer/director/artist based out of Atlanta.
I currently work for Adult Swim where I’m working on two new shows. I’ve also written for Squidbillies, Stroker & Hoop, Harvey Birdman, Aqua Teen, and AdultSwim.com. I used to write for Cartoon Network. I won an Annie for a Scooby Doo Blair Witch parody called the Scooby Doo Project. Here’s my
I write fiction. Here’s a story at Necessary Fiction. Here’s another at MonkeyBicycle.
I'm putting out a book of short stories in 2012.
I've also made some short films. One of them, "Please, Please, Pick Up" was featured in the awesome Baltimore Film Festival and got a nice write up in the Baltimore City Paper.
I also write/concept for games like this, this and this.
ck@casperkelly.com
I currently work for Adult Swim where I’m working on two new shows. I’ve also written for Squidbillies, Stroker & Hoop, Harvey Birdman, Aqua Teen, and AdultSwim.com. I used to write for Cartoon Network. I won an Annie for a Scooby Doo Blair Witch parody called the Scooby Doo Project. Here’s my
I write fiction. Here’s a story at Necessary Fiction. Here’s another at MonkeyBicycle.
I'm putting out a book of short stories in 2012.
I've also made some short films. One of them, "Please, Please, Pick Up" was featured in the awesome Baltimore Film Festival and got a nice write up in the Baltimore City Paper.
I also write/concept for games like this, this and this.
ck@casperkelly.com
