Fadzlishah Johanabas's Blog, page 5

Book Review: "The Female Cell" by Rumaizah Abu Bakar

I have a suspicion that by now, I may have built a reputation of tearing apart Malaysian-English works. Oh, well.

Moving on.

"The Female Cell" is a collection of short works by Kedah-born Rumaizah Abu Bakar, published by Silverfish Books in 2011. Do note that I use 'works' instead of 'stories'. But I'll get to that later. Like usual, I'll talk about the cover first.

This book suffers from the same ailment other Silverfish titles seem to be afflicted with. I mean, the "Silverfish New Writing" titles had superb covers, but others are merely meh if not outright ugly. I love the high-grade brown paper between the covers, though, and the scent is just right.

The book itself is divided into two parts: Love, Lies and Lives, and Travel Tales. In the description, the first part consists of works of fiction. Short stories, in fact.

I beg to differ.

The book starts off with "Christmas in July", a story about jealousy and rivalry among chefs at a hotel. Immediately after finishing the story, I went, "Eh?". However, after spending a minute thinking about it, I realized that "Christmas in July" was a freaking brilliant read. It's one of those understated stories that makes you think, and in a good way. It has a complete arc (beginning, middle, ending), and the protagonist is transformed at the end. Yu, a sous chef at one of the restaurants in the hotel, has always been denied a promotion, and has to watch younger chefs brought in from other countries rise and bask in fame. At the end of the story, Yu, who has quit the job and is now married and has two children, has opened his own business, whereas the star chef he's always been jealous of remains the same, serving the same food.

Brilliant, I tell you.

Then the problem starts. Just like Chua Kok Yee's book "Without Anchovies", the editor must have realized the strength of the opening story and placed it there on purpose. Good strategy, I have to say. However, it would have been better if the story had been followed up by other solid, complete stories.

The rest of the first section are vignettes. Not stories, but single scenes without beginnings or endings. They feel like exercises to describe scenes the writer witnessed at that particular time. The pieces are told in the first person perspective, present tense. Actually all the pieces in this book are told the same way. There are merits, and there are drawbacks, of course. And the merits don't become apparent until the second part.

I felt something was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I started reading Travel Tales. Then it hit me. Except for "Christmas in July", the narrator in the pieces is merely a witness, not an active participant. When you write a story in first-person, the reader inadvertedly assumes the identity of the narrator. Being forced to play a passive role in a story isn't a good enough experience. Just like "The Great Gatsby".

Put these two factors together--single-scene vignettes and passive first-person narration--and you get a frustrating read. There isn't any character development, and as a reader I don't feel invested. And it's a shame, because Rumaizah's writing style is smooth and excellent. She doesn't pretend, and she doesn't try too hard to impress. In fact, the entire book feels like having a thirty-something lady sit across from me at a cozy cafe, regaling me with snippets of her interesting life (or interesting observation of life). The author's presence is barely felt, and I can really get lost in the tales.

Especially during the second part. Oh, the second part.

Travel Tales is a travelogue, pure and simple. And this is where Rumaizah shines. The pieces are still vignettes, and the style of writing is the same, with the same first-person present-tense perspective, but this time, the narrator is an active participant, and by extension, so is the reader. I have not been to a lot of these places, and traveling vicariously through these tales is awesome. I especially liked the tales of Turkey.

Now. On to the technicalities of this book.

I mentioned the cover. I seriously feel that Silverfish Books needs a (new) cover artist. FIXI (and its imprint FIXI NOVO) is doing a great job coming up with brilliant covers, and even the Readings from Readings series has a distinct, beautiful cover concept. Whatever is said and done, we still judge a word-only book by its cover, and using ugly covers is selling the author(s) short.

This book also has the same problem as "Without Anchovies". Great opening piece, followed by a disappointing read, made more so because both these authors show an amazing potential through their opening stories.

I didn't detect that many typos, but there was an abuse of the semi-colon. Especially in the first piece. And I would have appreciated less adverbs, and more strong verbs. I'm not against adverbs, but having them back-to-back can be a tad annoying.

I would have gotten rid of the first part of the book (except for the opening story) and concentrated on the travelogues instead. Travel Tales is indeed an engaging read, not indulgent at all, and would have raised the author's name higher.

First-person present-tense perspective is a delicate thing to handle, and doesn't work all the time. I would have appreciated some of the pieces told in the past tense, or even an active-participant third-person perspective. As it is, the narrative voice sounds exactly the same for all the pieces, and I'm quite certain the first part is told by different people/narrators.

I also mentioned that the entire book feels like a thirty-something woman chatting with me across the table. What I wanted, and didn't get, was a sense of weaving all the threads into one tapestry. Even Scheherazade, with her 1001 Nights, had a bigger, more encompassing arc that tied together everything. Or Khaled Hosseini's "And the Mountains Echoed", even.

This book is far from perfect, for the reasons stated above. But I will judge the author based on the first story and the travelogues. Rumaizah is a raw, unpolished gem. I believe that she will go far if she is given the right guidance and exposure.

I give this book a 3.5/5. It's above average, but it's not quite there.

It is, however, definitely worth the purchase and the read.

Book Review: "Goodbye, Goddess" by Breanna Teintze

Disclaimer: Breanna is not only a close friend of mine, but also my reviewer/editor/beta reader (and I am her reviewer/editor/beta reader). I helped review and edit several (but not all) of the stories in this anthology. Is my review biased? I try not to review books of people I know, because I know I'll end up hurting their feelings. I tackle the book, not the writer, but when you're in direct communication with the writer...well, you decide for yourself.

 

"Goodbye, Goddess", published in 2011, is a collection of 7 short stories with a total word count of over 37,000 words, making an average of 5,000 words per story. The stories are set in the same secondary world (I still don't know what the name of the world is), which, like most Western Fantasy works, has a definite medieval European vibe. There is magic and polytheism, and there are dragons, things you would expect from a standard Fantasy title.

The anthology opens with "Lucky Day", a story about Rion the Erranter (equivalent to Gypsy) who, thanks to his compulsive gambling, lost his horse and he needs to win--or steal--it back. He gets himself into deeper trouble when he crosses paths with a jinn-wizard. Rion gets nagged a lot, and like most new fathers, doesn't know what he's doing half the time. However, he knows his own nature as a thief and gambler, and uses that very nature to save himself & his family.

"Patron Saint" is about loss and redemption. The main character is angry with the gods and the saints for taking away his fiance. He is angry with himself for serving a corrupt king. In terms of action, nothing much happens until the ending scene, but this story is more of an emotional journey rather than a physical one.

"Moon and Bone" is among the strongest pieces in this collection not just because there's plenty of action and magic. Compared to other stories, this is fast-paced, true. It's a cozy mystery, a whodunit. However, it's the narrative voice that grabs me from the start. Corcoran the wizard is irreverent and snappish, but his voice is so strong that even though the story is told in first-person perspective, you can just tell it's the wizard talking and not you as the reader trying to be in the character's shoes.

"Hunter's Daughter" tells the story of an innkeeper's daughter who sells supplies for dragon hunters. When the hunters end up dying, and the guide (whom she loves) is almost killed, she decides to take matters into her own hand.

"Goodbye, Goddess", easily the longest--and strongest--piece in this collection, tells of the story of a duelist-for-hire who has lost his faith and his will to live. This story explores more about social caste systems in Teintze's world, and her worldbuilding is clearer here compared to other stories.

I'll be honest. I didn't agree to adding "Fool's Errand" to the anthology. For one, it feels like a parody of "Hunter's Daughter". Another, since it's told from the perspective of the town's fool, the storytelling feels trivial, at odds with the more serious undertone of the rest of the book. However, having read and re-read the anthology several times, I can see the wisdom in Teintze's blatant disregard of my advice. This short piece shows her range as a writer, and it also gives a breather. There's nothing slapstick in this story, mind. Maybe she did not manage to execute funny as good as some other authors I know of (Sedaris, anyone?), but still. It doesn't make me like the story any better, but still.

Moving on.

"Finer Points" explores what happens when heroes retire. They become grumpy village-folk who roll their eyes at overconfident adventurers who don't know what's good for them. These heroes end up returning from their retirement to save the day. Unlike "Fool's Errand", where Teintz tries--and fails--to be funny, this story is inherently funny and it shines through. Definitely a solid piece that strengthens the anthology.

Is this anthology the best damn thing that happened since ice cream? Sadly, no. This book was published in 2011, with some of the stories having been written long before that. Teintze has grown exponentially as a writer. She is also brilliant at worldbuilding, but the nature of short stories doesn't allow for her to showcase her ability. The fantastical elements are subdued, and for some Fantasy lovers, this can be a turnoff.

However.

The characters in the stories aren't merely characters. They're people. Living, breathing real people. The women aren't stunning damsels-in-distress, but practical ones in practical garbs who can kill dragons just in time to tidy the house and cook dinner. The dialogs are organic and believable. If read aloud, the entire collection reads smoothly. The prose, though not exactly lyrical, is practical, no-nonsense. Have I mentioned the rich characterization? And the solid, complete story arcs?

The cover, though pretty, could be better. It doesn't quite grab one's attention. The formatting is clean but sparse. Could Teintze have benefited from professional designing & formatting? Perhaps.

Don't let the packaging fool you. As far as content goes, this book is amazing. It shows a promise of a quality author who cares about her craft. If you're looking for stories with strong female characters--I'm not talking about muscle-bound jarheads, but mothers who can easily carry a baby in one hand and a sword in another--then you should give this book a go. If you're looking for stories with brilliant characterization, organic dialogs and satisfying story arcs, then you should give this book a go.

If you're looking for fast-paced, action-packed, gory-filled stories, then this book is not for you. If you're looking for adventure stories, then maybe this book is not for you. I said earlier that this book has what you'd expect of a standard Western Fantasy title, but there's nothing standard about how the author approaches the subgenre.

Honestly speaking, even if I never knew Breanna Teintze as a person, I'll definitely look for more of her stories and/or books. She's that good.

 

You can buy the book at these locations:

Amazon
Smashwords
iTunes
Barnes & Noble

 

Fifty Shades of WHAT THE?!

I originally intended to write a rant about immature authors reacting to in-depth book reviews, but that'll only make me sound defensive & equally immature, and I know I'm better than that. For the record, however, I am not a bitter author whose work has been rejected & in turn looking for blood from other authors. I'm steadily publishing my short stories, and I get solicited for projects by editors & publishers.

Ehem. Moving on.

So. "Fifty Shades of Grey". I heard that you either love it or you hate it. Or that you claim to hate it, but secretly you love it. Yes. You. Don't go shaking your head at me and showing me attitude.

The book, originally a parody fan-fiction of "Twilight", exploded into fame & generated a deluge of other erotica books sold (and read) out in the open. Seriously. Ah Sohs with flaming red hair can be seen holding up paperback copies in the LRT, so selamba reading in front of everyone. However, writers all across the globe are perplexed & indignant by EL James's success. The quality of writing is SO BAD! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THE BOOKS TO HAVE GENERATED SALES BY THE MILLIONS?!

Oh, well. I wanted to give the books a try. For research only, mind. I'm not lying so get off my back! At first I couldn't even get through the first few pages. The quality. Is. So. BAD! I left the book alone & picked up better-written Young Adult books. Then I came back & managed slightly farther. Then stopped & picked up better-written Young Adult books.

In the end I gave up on reading the paperback, and decided to try the audiobook. After all, I concentrate on driving while listening to audiobooks. Multitasking. That's how you approach an unapproachable book. Right now I've reached the part where Christian Grey has rescued Anastasia Steele from the drunken clutches of Jose Rodriguez and she's woken up in his hotel room.

Admit it. You know what I'm talking about. Pfft.

Thing is, three chapters in, and I still haven't reached the naughty parts. WHERE ARE THE NAUGHTY PARTS?!

There are a lot of gazes going on here. His gaze. My gaze. He gazes. I gaze. I think I am officially fed up with the word 'gaze'. Remember, folks. Electrifying eye-to-eye contact is a form of foreplay. I think.

Anyway. Back to the issue at hand. Yes, the book is as annoying to listen to as it is to read. That's not the point I want to bring to light right now. It's a particular scene that I have in mind.

The drunken clutches.

Jose Rodriguez is a hunky junior who's into Anna, but she just looks at him as a friend. Upon first contact Christian already knows that Jose is a potential threat. Anna has the hots for Christian right from the start, but her insecurities make her belief that she's nowhere near his league. Clear so far? OK. There's a scene where Anna, her roommate & best friend Kate, and Jose (see how useful the Oxford comma is? I SHALL NOT ABANDON YOU, OH OXFORD COMMA!) go to a bar in Portland to celebrate finishing their final exams. Anna gets drunk, Jose gets drunk, Kate...well, Kate stays hot & sultry. Anna drunk-calls Christian, yada yada yada.

Now here's the important scene: Anna stumbles out of the bar, drunk. Jose follows her, equally drunk. He wants to make sure she's all right. However, being drunk and all, inhibitions are gone & he confesses his feelings for her & goes gropey and stuff. She's still not into him & tries to push him away. Christian comes swooping in, Anna vomits out her entire gastric contents, and Jose jumps away but Christian holds back her hair while she retches onto the street. Still drunk, Anna wants Christian to be physical with her. She doesn't dance, but she still dances with him. She wakes up the next day in her underwear in his hotel room, and gets a little disappointed when she finds out they haven't done the nasty.

See the issue here?

One drunk woman. One drunk man. Drunk woman is not into drunk man. Drunk man is into said drunk woman. He makes his move. He is seen as a jerk. Non-drunk man, who said drunk woman has the hots for, makes his move, and said drunk woman EXPECTS more.

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PLEASE TELL ME YOU NOTICE THE DOUBLE STANDARDS HERE!

It's not okay for a drunk man to try and overpower a drunk woman, but it's perfectly fine if the guy is hot & the drunk woman is into him? Come on. Women everywhere are fighting for equal rights & respect, but this kind of trash is still sold by the MILLIONS? Women are lapping this up? Just because the hot Christian Grey holds back Anastasia Steele's hair while she vomits, like a gentleman should?

It's not the quality of writing that I have issues with. It's Anastasia Steele. And I'm nowhere near done with the book.

Because I still want to get to the naughty parts.

In all seriousness, though, what I'm saying is that the book is saying that it's OK for a woman to be violated if the man is someone like Christian Grey. It's messed up, isn't it?

Book Review: "Wedding Speech" by Khaliza Khalid

EDIT: I don't believe that there are spoilers without warning here, but to be fair to the author, I've highlighted the possible spoilers in white. Highlight those places using your mouse to see them.

 

“Wedding
Speech” by Khaliza Khalid is the fourth title and the third novel published by
FIXI NOVO, the English imprint of FIXI. The protagonist, Yusrizan, a bona fide
player, is smitten by Kelly right from the start. However, he has difficulty
coming to terms with it, and does everything wrong to prevent himself from
getting the happy ending he thinks he deserves until the present day where he
finally marries her and has to confess all his wrongdoings in his wedding
speech.

Or so the
story goes.

What I can
say about this book is: Man! It is difficult! To. Finish!

The premise
has potential. The execution, however, is a train wreck.

 

The story

I’ve
summarized the story above without including any spoilers. Yusrizan is an
unreliable narrator (it’s a well-used writing technique, by the way) who has
fantasy and reality mixed up. The present is rooted around his wedding day, and
the narration goes back and forth as he reminisces the past. Unfortunately,
Khaliza flails and fails at writing a non-linear timeline, and should have
stuck beginning the story with the wedding reception and reveal everything in
chronological sequence as Yusrizan ticks off the six items he has to express in
his wedding speech.

 

The
language

Part of why
the back-and-forth narration fails is because Khaliza has her tenses all
jumbled up. The present-day scenes are written in the present tense, and the rest
of the story is in the past tense. Fair enough. However, especially while in
the present, the tenses get mangled and reading becomes a jarring experience.
Is this a failure of editing? I don’t know. Maybe.

Technically,
the author appears well-versed with writing in English, which is a definite
plus. Unfortunately, she appears to be like the character Kelly, who uses big,
complicated words to impress anyone who hears/reads the passages, words that in
reality do not fit the context. It’s like she pressed ‘Shift+F7’ on Word, looks
for the most complicated words to replace the ones she already has. Or she has
a paperback thesaurus ready and does the same thing. I might fill in examples
from the book, but finishing it the first time has been painful enough.

I’m a firm
believer of using strong, concise verbs instead of adverbs, but bombastic words
just to show off? I used to do that when I started writing, and I get irritated
every time I read my earlier stories.

Oh. Wait. I
remember some examples.

I literally burst out of the room. Literally means in the literal sense. Did Yusrizal explode? No.
“You’ll never guess my true nature,
but I have the audacity to leave you
breathless.” Out of context. Audacity
means willingness to take bold risks, or impudence. What is she trying to say?

The story
is told using first-person perspective. A repetitive usage of specific terms is
expected. Think about it. We will almost always call at cat ‘cat’ instead of
inter-exchanging ‘cat’ with ‘feline’, ‘mouser’, ‘tom’ or ‘tabby’. In this book:
no such thing. Yusrizan is fixated with breasts; that much is clear. However,
in one page, he uses ‘mounds’, ‘melons’, ‘globes’, ‘breasts’ and some other
terms. I’m a guy, and I feel offended, both by the derogatory terms and the
clunky handling of language. I’ve read that schoolteachers have this habit of
making sure students use as many terms for an object as possible to show how
extensive the students' vocabulary is. This book can be made an example of how
wrong the schoolteachers are.

Speaking of
terms, this book doesn’t shy away from vulgarities, both in actions and the choice
of words. Yusrizal doesn’t shy from using multiple terms for breasts (see
above), but he calls his dick ‘member’. Come on. No self-respecting guy calls
his own dick that. A woman who writes from a man’s point of view does that.

And boy do
I have words on the incongruity of points of views (see below).

 

The
characters

Yusrizan is
an anti-hero. He is a selfish creep, no questions asked. Pulling off a
sympathetic anti-hero is tricky, and Khaliza also fails at this. Yusrizan doesn’t
change a bit throughout the book. He even uses his own daughter to woo Kelly.
He doesn’t care about his daughter at all. He openly talks about his hedonistic
lifestyle in front of her, uses foul languages, and does other things a half-decent
father shouldn’t. I still can’t get over the fact that he plants his daughter
in Kelly’s path solely to win sympathy points without really caring about his
daughter’s well-being. WHAT THE HELL.

He also
cannot seem to differentiate lust from love. He acts like a dog in heat, then
suddenly reminds readers that he’s only using Kelly for financial support. Then
he says he loves her, and suddenly reminds readers that he’s only using Kelly
for financial support. It’s like the author unravels the story, then goes, “Oh,
I need to remind readers that Yus doesn’t really like Kelly. Let me add a
sentence to make that clear.”

Oh. By the
way. Yusrizan tries to echo Datuk Narcissus from “Kasino” by Saifullizan Tahir,
another book by Fixi. Narcissus lives in sin, but prays on time. Yusrizan
sleeps around and doesn’t pray, but he has a strict code against consuming
alcohol and pork. The reason for the comparison is that Datuk Narcissus is a
fully fleshed, believable person, whereas
Yusrizan is a half-baked character.

Kelly is
also another unbelievable character.
She’s all into Yusrizal one moment, and jumps off to concentrate on reading her
thesaurus the next. She wants her sister to see that she’s serious about
Yusrizal, but when Karr (the sister) physically abuses Yusrizal, she pretends
both of them don’t exist. I think the author wants to portray the unreliability
of Yusrizal’s narration and memory, but as foreshadowing goes, this one fails
miserably.

Karr…well,
I almost felt sorry for her, not because of her character, but because of how
offensive the author is in portraying her. The terms ‘gorilla’ and ‘mammal’ and
‘hulk’ are used to describe her, and she is mollified by extra Cornetto cones. She
has double degrees, one of them being forensics science, but she flies home to
Johor Bahru just to wedge herself between the two ‘alleged’ lovebirds. She is
merely a plot device that should have been more elegantly executed to create a
link between fantasy and reality. As I said, I almost felt sorry for her.

Oh. Get
this. Kelly’s full name is revealed at the end of the book. It’s Khaliza. She
has written a novel about her relationship with Yusrizal, which has sparked
Yusrizal’s unreliable narration in the first place. Khaliza. As in the author’s
name. Fiction reflecting reality reflecting fiction? Whatever it is, an author
using her own name for a protagonist is a bit too much, don’t you think?

 

The
settings

What
settings? The book takes place in Johor Bahru and San Francisco, among other
places. However, the descriptions of JB is cursory at best, and there is almost
no description of other places. There is no sensory employment in the book,
really. “Son Complex” by Kris Williamson may have its own set of flaws, but at
least Kris uses his settings well. He also knows how to employ all the senses,
including touch, hearing, smell and sight.

 

The
storytelling

I don’t know
if the author sought advice from men on how to portray a believable male
protagonist. She should have. Even if she did, she should have. I’m not saying
that women cannot write stories from a male’s perspective; no, far from it.
More often than not, it’s an educational experience. My friend Breanna writes
using male perspectives. She constantly asks her husband, her brother and me
about the congruency of her characters, and her research shows. Ursula K Le
Guin’s “A Wizard of Earthsea”? Well-rounded male protagonist. John Green’s “The
Fault in Our Stars”? BRILLIANT storytelling from a girl’s perspective.

In short,
the author should have done a better research on the male psyche. What she has
achieved is a stereotypical jackass who’s fixated on breasts.

There are
sections where Yusrizan tells the story with intimate knowledge when he’s not
there to witness the scenes in the first place. Remember that the story is told
in first-person perspective. Yes. I get that the author wants to use this as a
plot device, as foreshadow, but come on. Basic rules of narration. Come on.

Toward the
end, the story unravels between Yusrizan’s daughter’s point of view and Kelly’s.
The daughter’s name: Khaira. He also has a son, whose name is Khairy. Kelly’s
sister: Karr. The author: Khaliza Khalid. Yes, yes, it’s a Malay thing to name
their children using the same alphabets or alliterations, but in a story?

Back to my
point. The scenes toward the ending. Yusrizan is out of the picture, but the
story is told in intimate third-person perspectives. I don’t care about plot
devices. For a story told exclusively in first-person perspective (Yusrizan’s),
suddenly jumping to third-person for the sake of moving the story forward is amateurish,
almost as bad as a deus ex machina ending.

Also, the
book is told almost exclusively in exposition/narrative summary. Including the
dialogs. WHY?! The author has plenty of chances to make the characters real and
relatable, but she maintained an unbridgeable distance by not employing
immediate scenes. Where are the dialogs?

As for the
ending…how do I review the book without spoiling the ending?

Oh, well.
Spoiler warning.

I don’t
know if you’ve watched “Repo Men”. Not many people appreciate the ending, but
to me, it’s one of the better-executed trick endings. The foreshadowing is
good, and the execution is brilliant. “Wedding Planner” has an ending akin to “Repo
Men”, but the execution is so clumsy that I felt reading the book was a huge waste
of my time. To be honest, I only finished reading because I wanted to write a
fair, informed review. Another reviewer said this book has a typical FIXI
ending. I say this book has a typical Malaysian storytelling ending. The author
cares more about appearing smart, thus creating a trick and/or hanging ending,
rather than fulfilling a promise made to readers to navigate the story in a
satisfying manner.

Still. Man!
What a waste of time!

 

Final words

FIXI—and
its English imprint FIXI NOVO—has been upfront about publishing pulp fiction.
Not books like what Tash Aw and Tan Twan Eng write, but cheap, accessible
fiction for all. This is awesome, but let’s face it. “Wedding Planner” is nowhere
near ready to be published. Forget the typos. Editing (or lack thereof) is a
much more pressing issue. From the awkward timeline transitions, to the flat,
unbelievable characterization, to the storytelling loopholes, to the trick
ending that could’ve been handled better.

I will
still buy books from FIXI NOVO in hopes of discovering local gems, but unless
she improves, I’m not likely to read another story from Khaliza Khalid.

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Book review: "Son Complex", by Kris Williamson

Writing--or lack thereof

It has been months since I wrote a story or worked on my unfinished novella & novel. It has been months since I wrote a proper blog post (the movie review doesn't count). I have been silent for so long that my precious beta reader, Breanna, is officially worried.

There is a reason why I haven't written, and it's not because my muse left me for another, someone more worthy of her attention. It's not because I doubt myself as a writer--then again, I have always doubted my abilities, and always will no matter what people say, because that's how I was raised. I am convinced that I am not good enough in the things I do, and it's too late to change that mindset.

You see, writing for me is an emotional journey. I spill pieces of my soul in my stories. I cry when I write the sad parts--and almost all my stories have sad parts. I jump at the slightest sounds whenever I write the scary parts. I get lost in my imaginary worlds whenever I write Science Fiction and Fantasy. Most male authors don't emphasize on the emotional journey of characters, but we all know by now that I'm not like most people.

Writing opens up the raw part of my soul that is now tethered to December 4, 2011. My entire life is now defined by the accident. I am scheduled for a court hearing this September; that's never a good sign.

I don't think I have recovered. I don't think I have returned to the land of the living. I know this sounds insensitive because the other driver lost his life that day, but a large chunk of me died in the accident. I was ready to let go.

Here's the truth: I didn't want to live. I didn't want to survive.

I have been meandering ever since. When I put on my doctor mantle, I put on an entirely different persona, and that has helped me from going insane. I need to write again, because through writing, I find my way back to God, and I sorely miss His presence. I need to write again, because through writing, life makes a semblance of sense.

I know some of you will advice me to pray and read the Quran to help me reconcile with my faith, and I love you for that. I'm doing my best, even though it's not much at the moment.

I have PTSD. My psychiatrist has established that diagnosis. I still haven't recovered from it. Maybe I never will.

I want to write again, but every time I even think about writing, I return to that late afternoon when my car spun, where part of my soul died. Even right now, while writing this, I relive the accident.

I want to write again, but I don't know how.

I need to write again, because I need to find my way back.

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I haven't given up on life; I've only stopped living

Movie Review: KIL

Yeah. None of you thought I do Malay movies, much less write about one.

I surprise even myself, sometimes.

I wish I can tell you that I approached this movie with an open mind, but we all know that would be a lie. The thing about Malay movies is that they are generally made of suck of the highest order. It's either about the hedonistic lifestyle of the rich, or about a kampung girl losing her innocence to someone from the city, or about the vast difference of social standings, or about bad main characters who learn their lessons a little too late, or "comedies" that are actually full of slapstick. Most of the time you can tell how the story ends 10 minutes into a movie, because Malay movies are so bloody formulaic.

So I approached "KIL" with a certain trepidation. I heard that it's a good movie, different from what we usually get. I wanted badly for it to be good, but my prejudice against Malay movies was too strong.

The premise is simple. Akil, or Kil, acted by Redza Minhat, has given up on life and contemplates suicide. He even attempted to off himself several times, but he could never see it through. When he discovers about a company named Life Action Bureau (LAB) that specializes in killing clients who want to commit suicide, he grabs the chance and signs the contract. That's when good things start to come into his life, and he slowly appreciates being alive. The stake is losing his life to an unknown assassin, the same life that at the beginning of the movie he wants to throw away, but toward the end he is desperate to keep.

Right from the start you can tell that it's a quiet movie, subdued, almost dignified. You can tell that there won't be any rempit motorcycles or racing modified Protons, or Malay folks getting drunk (Muslim Malays are barred from consuming alcohol, btw).

Just plenty of cigarettes.

Let me tell you that I am in love with the cinematography and music score. Forget the fact that the movie is a low-budget one, filmed over 11 days. The cinematography is absolutely gorgeous. It doesn't have that typical Malay movie vibe. ALHAMDULILLAH FOR THAT! I expect this level of cinematography from Indonesian and Thai movies, so "KIL" blew me away with this particular awesomeness. The music score is spot-on and complements the story.

Acting-wise, Redza Minhat has done a great job. Sure, his dialogs are sometimes stilted, and I notice a certain awkwardness and discomfiture, but overall, he's a convincing protagonist. A lot of people complain about Cristina Suzanne who portrayed Zara, the person who becomes the reason Akil wants to live, and I think I can see why. She has this Kristen Stewart & Keanu Reeves vibe about her. One expression to rule them all. However, her quirkiness comes through when the story calls for it, and if someone like her comes into my life, I wouldn't want to kill myself either. It's not just about her looks, which is pretty but not gorgeous. Zara is almost like Zooey Deschanel in "500 Days of Summer".

Come to think of it, "KIL" has the same atmosphere as "500 Days of Summer".

Which is a good thing. Trust me.

I did mention that the premise is simple, right? The twists, however, hot damn, I appreciate the twists to the highest order. The reason behind Kil's desolation only comes later in the movie, but the foreshadowing is good. Zara's true identity is revealed through a sub-plot that mirrors the main storyline, but that's not even the twist. The foreshadowing is good. There's not a single deus ex machina moment. AT ALL.

If there is one thing Malay filmmakers can take away from this movie, it is its excellent foreshadowing. The twists don't feel contrived, and everything comes together in a satisfying ending. The denouement is good, too.

"KIL" is not a movie about the hedonistic lifestyle of the rich, or about a
kampung girl losing her innocence to someone from the city, or about the
vast difference of social standings, or about bad main characters who
learn their lessons a little too late, or "comedies" that are actually
full of slapstick. It is not fast-paced, so it is not for action lovers.

What it is, is a big step forward for the Malay movie industry.

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