Sare Liz Anuszkiewicz's Blog, page 34

Life Coaching

Joy is our birthright.

If you or I aren’t dwelling in a place where Joy is constantly accessible to us, we’re missing out on something delicious. Living peaceful lives, experiencing joy as often as we like, and becoming loving people is the goal, no matter what sort of situation we find ourselves in – the tricky ones, the hard ones, in the midst of crisis.

In the words of one of my teachers, Bob Perelli, it’s easy to be calm, cool and collected when people are sending you flowers, giving you chocolate and writing you checks. The level of our emotional maturity isn’t measured when things are going so easily. We know we are really making good progress when we can remain calm and peaceful when people are snarking at us, when they’re pushing our buttons and when things don’t seem to be going our way.

And when we start to change this, when we start to increase our emotional maturity… then some pretty remarkable and miraculous things start happening. Quite naturally, more good things start entering our view screen and the goals we made for ourselves that seemed so out of reach become shockingly close to us.

This is hard work, and it is useful to have help – that’s why there are life coaches – or if you prefer, Spiritual Directors. Same thing. If you want this help, email me.

Free for a day!

My anthology, Sassy Singularity is free-for-a-day today! You can go pick it up on Amazon, right now… free! 

Free things are exciting. You know it’s true.

So if you were curious but hesitant before, now is your time, my friends!

Now, down to brass tacks. What will you find inside?  Okay:

The Bureau of Misdirected Destiny is a story about the weird, secret and mystical government department in Washington, D.C., located at the back of a restaurant. They know when you’re coming, and they know what you need. You may not like it, but they’re there to help. Author: Sare Liz Gordy.


Sweetheart is a story about a… um… you know… Service Bot. What service does she render? The oldest one. That is, until she’s gets an unauthorized upgrade and walks out. Author: Rachel Lynn Brody.
Epistle to St. Cupid is a story about an angry, eloquent young woman returning a few tokens from a former lover, as well as giving a little unsolicited advice. Author: Teresa Watson.
Of Beer and Blogs is a story about a love-struck bartender. Will he get up the gumption to approach the strong, sassy woman he sees every week? Author: Anne Baker.
The M-Word is a story about a woman without a biological clock. Too bad the men she dates don’t realize it… Author: Sandi Layne.
Dead Wrong is a story about a woman who learns to stand up for herself and others, no matter what. Author: Rhiannon Robinson.
Katie’s Curler is a story about a diminutive Alaskan woman who, by dint of sheer presence alone, was able to change a life. Author: Sarah C. Munsey

So go do it and tell your friends! Download Sassy Singularity for free today! And when you find that you like our quirky little stories, please feel free to check out the other things we’ve written and contributed to…

Sare Liz Gordy (Amazon Author Page) – I’ve also got a fabulous short story called Traditionibus Ne Copulate in the anthology called HOT MESS: Speculative fiction about climate change.

Rachel Lynn Brody (Amazon Author Page) – She’s got two great short stories, Haute Mess and Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. in the anthology she edited, HOT MESS: Speculative fiction about climate change. She also has Restaurants Are Rated Out Of Four Stars (a foodie romance), and POST: A Play In One Act.

Sandi Layne (Amazon Author Page) – She’s got a great romance called Making a Diamond. And several others! There’s Silent Music, Captive Irish Moon, An Unexpected Woman, Summer’s Music and  Garrison’s Girl.

Migraines and Self-Care

Turning Migraines into Mountains

Once again, I have a migraine and once again I’ve taken something for it. Now, there’s the night time stuff and the day time stuff – both over the counter, not prescription medications mind, my migraines aren’t quite that heinous (though trust me, they’re migraines, so they’re pretty heinous), but the night time stuff makes me drowsy and stupid for about 12 hours and the day time stuff has caffeine in it.

Given that I woke up at 5:45 this morning with this puppy, at 7 am I was practically bouncing out of bed with a grin on my face. But that’s  the thing – the medication takes me to a silly place, really, one where I all too easily forget that I’ve given myself a migraine and perhaps a smidgen of self-care is warranted. Now yes, there are things I’ve scheduled to do today, but some of them could happen another day. I could take it easy. But it’s not easy to recall that when I’m bouncing out of bed ready to climb Mount Everest.

So, let’s talk about this conundrum of self-care,  yes?

Self-Care vs. Self-Medication

Self-care. It doesn’t require a spa with full services to do those things for one’s self that are, in fact, caring. What’s more, most of the time the standard things that make the average American ‘feel better’ don’t actually qualify as self-care. They could be filed more under the heading of self-medication. You know, when one feels better after a drink or three, after buying another pair of shoes, after eating the entire bag of Oreos or potato chips, after having an all day West Wing marathon… As fun as some of these things are, and as fun as most things are in moderation, over stimulation of the frontal cortex, over eating, over spending and over drinking serves in the same capacity as caffeine-asprin-acetometaphen cocktail that I took at 5:45 this morning. It dulls the pain without healing the root.  And what is pain but a red flag that something is amiss? When we take away the red flag, we’re fooling ourselves if we imagine that everything is somehow alright now.

Self-care is more about the things that actually help to rejuvenate a person. While it is absolutely true that most of us come chock full of so many bad habits and old, unexamined negative patterns that one day of being kinder to ourselves isn’t going to change everything overnight, it is also true that one day of being kinder to ourselves is going to start a ball rolling that can turn into the rock that started the avalanche – at which point lots of things change overnight.

So how do we get that ball rolling?

Mind-Body-Spirit

Self-care can look like a lot of things to a lot of people, but what you need to do right now is going to be a product of who you are and what you’ve done to get yourself into the present situation. But there are a couple of helpful hints that can help anyone out of a jam, and they start with honest answers to simple questions – simple, but not necessarily easy. Right now, let’s tackle just one of those questions.

What am I feeling?

If you think you’re feeling nothing, or you’re completely fine, and yet you’re at a place where you’ve decided that you need self-care, then I would gently suggest that perhaps you’re not quite as in touch with your feelings as you might imagine. And feelings are incredibly important. So do what you need to do to get in touch with your feelings and honor them. Always honor what has occurred or it could get ugly later on… It would be like sweeping unwanted emotions under a carpet and pretending they don’t exist, whilst under the carpet those unwanted emotions are growing teeth and claws and will be coming out one day, perhaps when you least want them to.

Express Those Emotions

Part and parcel of truly honoring the emotions that we have is giving them safe and complete expression. It’s really the only way that we can move on. Again, this step looks different for each person, but here are some things that you can try. If you’re feeling angry, or any of the ‘gentler’ version of anger, like annoyance, irritation, resentment, impatience, sarcastic – try screaming into pillows, punching pillows, or going for a doctor-sanctioned bit of hard cardio exercise. If you are fortunate enough to have access to a punching bag, go wail on it.  If you’re feeling fearful, or any of the ‘milder’ versions of fear like worried, wary, anxious, sensitive, overwhelmed or edgy it could be helpful to try to cry. In this case, anything that will bring on a tear could be useful as a fuse to light the larger issue you’re trying to get in touch with.

The idea is to express the emotion… and then once it is out, begin to move on. No one wants to dwell too long in anger or sadness – we want joy, peace, love – the whole nine yards.

Getting To Joy

Self-care is ultimately about doing those things that will get you to that joyful, peaceful, loving state. Sometimes it takes some remedial work – working out the lingering negative emotions to clear the path, so to speak. And then it’s time for a change of scenery – literally.  If you’ve just worked out your anger by screaming into pillows in your bedroom, then for heaven’s sake get out of the house. Go for a walk around the block. Meet a friend for coffee. Get a complete change of scenery. That’s step one.  Step two: be present minded. If you’ve never tried it, this is simpler than you can imagine and harder than it seems. It’s really just training your mind to be under your own control, rather than you under its control. Start simple – as you’re walking around the block, feel your body. Feel the impact of your heel on the pavement and see if you can feel it all the way up your spine. Feel your clothes. Count your breaths. Concentrate on any aspect of your experience without allowing your mind to wander wherever it will. Or if you’re sitting having coffee by yourself, look at the coffee for a good long while before you drink it. Then smell it. Feel the warmth of the mug in your hands. Immerse yourself into the experience of it so that by the time you actually take the first sip, it’s a sensory overload. The point, again, is to immerse your mind into the experience of doing a thing without thinking about it and telling yourself stories about it. When we are immersed in an experience, the mind is quiet.

Step three: Experience Joy. Enjoy things. That is to say, put joy into what you do. En-joy them. Ask yourself, what is the joyful thought in this moment? What is the perspective on this good/bad/whatever moment that is going to make me grin?  Now, step three really is a lot easier if we’ve done steps one and two, but once we get our selves trained so we acknowledge our emotions when we have them and our mind is under our control and not visa versa, it can seem like we’re just skipping to Step Three.  And that’s the place we all really want to get to – to experience joy no matter what happens.

And when we all get to that place, there’s no telling what humanity can do…

[Want more about this experience-joy-all-the-time thing? Talk to Sare about Spiritual Direction.]

It’s a Hot Mess over here…

Do I refer to my life? The craziness of getting married, creating your own job and moving out of a commune? Nope. (Though it certainly applies…)  I’m talking about the fabulous new anthology, HOT MESS: Speculative fiction about climate change.

For this anthology, the wonderful and talented Rachel Lynn Brody got a bunch of her favorite authors together to write some brilliant pieces of short fiction that range from Eric Sipple’s eerie ‘She Says Goodbye Tomorrow’ to the fabulously tongue in cheek ‘Haute Mess’ by the editor herself, to my own quirky little tale, ‘Traditionibus Ne Copulate’. As an author I came to the group late in the game – over lunch at her parent’s kitchen table when she was home visiting, Rachel asked if I had any tidbit of interesting fiction that fit the bill.

“I have a weird little post-apocoalyptic story about lab mice that have taken over the church once all the humans are dead, and they host monastic gas stations in an age of alternative-fuel. Does that count? It’s kind of up-beat and chirpy, all things considered. I wrote it at Sermon Prep Group one day last year. My colleagues were all very amused, and one of them named it for me: Traditionibus Ne Copulate. It means Don’t Fuck With Tradition.”  Rachel read it, loved it (of course) and included it – why? Because she is a wonderful person.

Now, do I have a penchant for rescuing lab mice or a pro-dolphin socialist state? No, not really. Do I have a thing about the Church needing to change or die (or if you will, change or get the hell out of the way)? Yes, yes I do. But that’s a platform I’ll probably never get off of. (See latest website: No-Exceptions.Org)

I think my favorite of the group is actually the shortest – Rachel’s ‘Haute Mess’. This has obviously come from the mind of the woman who writes advertising copy at [a very large & wealthy department store chain] in order to pay her rent. It’s just so gorgeous, so very tongue in cheek, and so oddly upbeat for being a harsh commentary not only of climate change, but also of consumerism run rampant. I think that’s why I love it so much.

So –  yeah. This is a great book. And you can find it on Amazon for your kindle and kindle aps, or in paperback, and you can find it on Barnes & Noble for your nook and nook aps. Why are you waiting!

In case you’re curious, each of the authors are donating a portion of their royalties to the charity of their choice – me, I’ve chosen Episcopal Relief and Development. Why? Because they’re full of awesomeness. You could donate to them as well. You know, right after you buy a copy of HOT MESS.

Woot! Publishing!

And now, direct to you, my fabulously edited anthology Sassy Singularity, now available on Amazon's Kindle!  Check it out!

Between now and Christmas 2012, I've got a rather rigorous and self-inflicted schedule of deadlines and e-book release dates.  Check it out:

FEBRUARY 14: Sassy Singularity, an anthology I edited, which includes my short story The Bureau of Misdirected Destiny.
MARCH 21: Hot Mess, an anthology Rachel Lynn Brody is editing, which includes my short story Traditionibus Ne Copulate. 
APRIL 8: -untitled-, a collection of meditations for Easter, with Melissa Roberts. Nonfiction.
JUNE 30: -hockey fantasy, working title-, my second novel which I like quite a lot.
SEPTEMBER 31: -southwest, working title-, my first novel which is growing on me.
OCTOBER 31: -untitled-, two anthologies that I will be editing, which will also include my short stories, one about the zombie apocalypse, and one about vampires.
DECEMBER 25: -untitled-, my third novel, written with Liz Brauza. A murder mystery…

And 90 days after each release date, they'll also be available for other ebook formats, through other retailers.  And is most of this stuff written already?  …well, some of it is.  Does that count?

Sassy Singularity

Now Available on Kindle!

Sassy Singularity is an anthology of all new short stories about the strength of women, just in time for Valentine's Day!  Sassy Singularity will feature stories by award-winning playwright Rachel Lynn Brody, award-winning short story writer Sandi Layne, plus long-time writers Anne Baker, Sarah C. Munsey, Teresa Watson, Rhiannan Robinson and me, Sare Liz Gordy.  The stories range from quirky to heartbreaking to romantic, and there's more than a dash of sass!

Look for Sassy Singularity on sale exclusively via Amazon, for the Kindle, until mid-May, when it will be available more widely in a variety of digital e-book formats.

Don't forget to look for HOT MESS: speculative fiction about climate change, an anthology edited by Sassy Singularity author, Rachel Lynn Brody, featuring the editor, Sare Liz Gordy, Eric Sipple, RJ Astruc & more!  HOT MESS is due to be released exclusively via Amazon mid-March of this year!

Contents of Sassy Singularity:

'Of Beer and Blogs' by Anne Baker
'Sweetheart' by Rachel Lynn Brody
'The Bureau of Misdirected Destiny' by Sare Liz Gordy
'The M-Word' by Sandi Layne
'Katie's Curler' by Sarah C. Munsey
'Dead Wrong' by Rhiannan Robinson
'Epistle to St. Cupid' by Teresa Watson

Run, don't walk to Amazon and purchaseSassy Singularity today!

Please pass the voodoo chicken

Alrighty folks.  This one came from this week's Exegete.

Appropriate music to listen in the background: True Blood Sountrack, London Calling, or the Tallis Scholars.

Appropriate accent to affect in head while reading: Generic Southern.

This, on St. Paul's commentary to the church at Corinth, concerning whether or not to eat meat sacrificed to other gods… (1 Corinthians 8:1-13)

Once upon a time there was a Voodoo Chicken.  It was known as Voodoo Chicken because it was used in a vaudun ritual, but you know, it was also marinated afterwards in the most mouthwatering fashion.  And you know, a dinner party is a dinner party.  You can't fault your host for their odd taste in religious piety when they serve mouthwateringly good roasted chicken.  Some of us like to say a little, unobtrusive blessing over our food, but to each their own, right?  And since we all know (in our separate religions) that ours is the only right one, there's no harm in letting other people attempt to invoke a god that doesn't actually exist, so live and let live. And pass the chicken.

This is all well and good when you're surrounded by people who are firm in their faith, whatever that faith may be.  The Vauduns know that eating the Voodoo Chicken will bring them closer to fine, and the Christians know that the Vauduns really know how to roast a chicken or twelve, and that their own understanding of God requires neither chicken nor lack of chicken for Divine Union.

However, it all goes to hell in a hand basket but quick when you've got newbies in your midst.  Newbies get a little rabid, you know, and they're really clear about wanting to get things Perfectly Correct and Appropriate.  It really hits the fan when your newbie is their oldie.  Then you've got someone looking at your enjoyment of the damn chicken (whose not actually damned, just damned inconvenient) and their knee jerk reaction is that you're getting a little closer to fine, when it's really just the seasonings.  Now, these newbies know it's not Divine Union, because our God doesn't go in for Chicken.  This is about the time that the confusion and resentment sets in.  Perhaps there's even some serious doubt about the bigger things of life – they are newbies, remember.

So, you know. Practice discretion.  Not because there's anything wrong with the Om Nommy goodness of the Vaudun's chicken dinners, but because in the long run, is your gastronomical satisfaction really worth causing that much angst amongst the newbies? Give the Voodoo Chicken a pass while they're in the room, for heaven's sake.   You can always have some next week.

Fantastic Dinner!

Holy Macaroni, Batman!  Last night, I cooked a fantastic dinner for the House of Awesome.  Here's what the menu consisted of:

Miso Soup
Tofu Tempura & Broccoli Tempura
Summer Rolls with Garlic Ginger Sauce

Sarey's Miso Soup

You know, I have a set just like this. In storage.

serves 15, easily

2 1/2 gallons of water
5 or more cloves of garlic, pressed
3-4 T fresh ginger, diced
1/4 c or more crumbled seaweed
1 1/2-2 1/2 lbs extra firm tofu, diced in tiny cubes (1 cm square)
1 T salt
2 t black pepper
1 t crushed red pepper

Boil all of this for about a half hour.  (It can hang out longer, if you're doing other things.)  Turn down heat to keep warm, but lower than a simmer.  Then add a generous cup of miso and stir-stir-stir, and serve!

So good. So amazing. So yummy. So many compliments. So many raw vegetables it's crazy!

Spiritual Direction?

Have a cup of health!

Spiritual Direction.  Maybe you've heard of it.  Maybe you're wondering if it's a special type of cartography.  Either way, the question that might be rattling around right now, since I've mentioned it and all is… What the hell is Spiritual Direction?  Closely followed, perhaps, by Is Spiritual Direction right for me, right now?  And then of course, there are other questions to ask…

So if you're curious, do read on!

What the hell is 'Spiritual Direction'?

Where are we going?

It's a little like Life Coaching, actually.  But let's back up.  Spiritual Direction isn't a couple of rather important things.  Spiritual Direction isn't therapy.  It's not a replacement for therapy – talk, drug, or physical.  Spiritual Direction isn't a conversation over coffee with your friend, though every now and then we're sometimes blessed with a friend who comes awfully close.  Spiritual Direction is not a class with a teacher.

Spiritual Direction happens between a directee, you, and a director, aperson who is slightly farther down the spiritual path that you're on.  That person could be a minister of a religion, that person could be someone who has dedicated their lives to this spiritual path, wether through a specialized process (like ordination) or a personal dedication (that can look like a lot of different things).

Spiritual Direction is something that is a compensated and intentional service.  'A compensated service' means that if you get Spiritual Direction from the minister of your church, they are paid a salary by that church to do things like offer members of the congregation Spiritual Direction.  It also means that if you get Spiritual Direction from an independent individual (for your circumstances, the minister of another church, perhaps), then it is appropriate to offer them compensation.  Me, I have a sliding scale which includes barter, because barter is awesome.

Aside from this, 'an intentional service' means that it takes time, energy, and dedication for a Spiritual Director to take someone on.  They pray about their directee when they're not around, and they have to spend time in prayer and preparation before and after appointments.  Taking someone on is a commitment that the director takes very seriously.  They frequently spend some time discerning (thinking & praying) to find out if they can actually be helpful.

So Spiritual Direction is, in fact, most closely related to Life Coaching.  A life coach helps you to refine and achieve your personal goals with an eye to a holistic sense of wellness and a mutually agreed upon definition of success.  A spiritual director helps you to refine and achieve your personal goals with an eye to a lasting peace, joy and sense of love that they understand to be the end result of a life transformed.  And so the goals are… shockingly similar.  Arguably, they're the same thing, only one is put in secular terms and the other is put in religious terms.

Is Spiritual Direction For Me, Right Now?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Maybe.  A directee usually comes into Spiritual Direction with a question, a desire, or a feeling they're experiencing that they don't like.  One frequent question is: "Where is my life going?"  Examples of a desire could be: "I thought I was going to be happy once I got to this point, but I'm not. I want to be happy."  "I feel like I need more in my life, but I have no idea what it is."  "I want to discover my passion in life."  Some common feelings that people experience with dissatisfied are impatience, anger, apathy, and worry.

A spiritual director does a lot of listening, will often give a directee homework to do, and will often offer challenging ideas and points of view for the directee to consider.  To what end?  The same end that most of us will admit to wanting at some point or another: to live joyful, loving, peaceful lives.

Given the craziness inside our heads, it is sometimes invaluable to have a helper who combines objectivity with compassion, and that is what a Spiritual Direction relationship offers.  If this seems like it would be a helpful service to add to your life, they yes – Spiritual Direction is for you!

Questions to Ask

FAQ!

How often should we meet?  Once every four to six weeks works for most people.  Some people are less often.  Some people are once a week.  It depends on who you are and what you need.

Is it okay to not meet in person? Absolutely.  Phone conversations, skype calls, even by letter or email works quite well.  Heck, holy men and women have been offering Spiritual Direction by letter for centuries.  If it worked for them, it can still for for us.

How does this work? I call up a spiritual director, ask if they have time, and that's it?  Not quite.  The initial appointment, which for most spiritual directors is a free appointment, is one which can be done over the phone or by email.  Both parties get a chance to get to know the other and ask some questions.  Some times people click right away.  Some times people realize they are not going to click, and that happens right away.  Most of the time it's in between.  A spiritual director will typically want to pray about it, never the less.  After the first appointment, a second contact in the next week usually determines if both parties are willing to go forward, how often, and what media will be used for the direction sessions.

Is this stuff confidential?  Yep.  But let's be clear: what you discuss with your spiritual director stays with your spiritual director.  However, this is not iron clad in a court of law.  And most people who end up being spiritual directors are also Mandated Reporters, which means that if you hint or insinuate that you are going to hurt yourself or others, or if you confess to a heinous crime, a) your spiritual director is not going to let you go without being assured that you've been talked down off your ledge, and b) your spiritual director is required by law and common sense to tell the police, and she'll probably try to talk you into doing it while she supports you in that.

Can I ask for credentials?  Yep.  The training varies, however.  Be okay with that, or be clear about what you want.  Incredibly wise and spiritual masters don't always have seminary degrees, and many of them don't have ordination certificates.  Conversely, wisdom is not bestowed upon graduation from seminary, nor when a bishop-type person lays her hands on one's head, or even upon acceptance to an Order (like monks and nuns and things).  Perhaps the most important credential to ask for is this: "Are you, spiritual director, in spiritual direction yourself?" If the answer is no, politely end the conversation. You don't want to work with them, trust me.

Can I ask for references? Dicey territory.  General character references, sure.  But remember that your Spiritual Direction is confidential – and so is everyone else's.  If I were you, I'd check a spiritual director who is recommended by someone you trust.  You're in for a total and complete win if someone you trust or look up to themselves offers Spiritual Direction and has the space to take on new directees.

How much is this going to cost me?  Well, it will cost you in a few areas.  First, you'll be required to pay a fee per meeting, if this is a service you're not getting from someone you're already supporting through your donations (like your congregation's minister).  Some people have a sliding scale, some a set fee.  Me, I have a sliding scale: $15-40 a session, and each session is about 60 minutes long.  If this happens long distance, most people use a service like Paypal for online payments, and of course a check in the mail always works.  But you know, it's going to cost you in other areas.  Any time we get serious about changing something in our lives, the change can be uncomfortable, it can be challenging, it can be squicky before it gets to that peaceful-awesome-so-so-cool place that we're all going toward.

Is Sare taking on spiritual directees right now?  As of the publishing of this blogpost, yes I am.  By the time you read it, it's anyone's guess.  Email me or leave me feedback through any of the feedback portals on this blog and and I can contact you and let you know if I'm taking on new directees.  In addition to that, my own fabulous spiritual director, Melissa Roberts, is taking on directees at the time of this post and you can find her information through her website.  (In addition to be a fabulous human being, Ms. Roberts is also the author of the Everything Guide to Stress Management.)

Sassy Singularity

Taking Care of Ourselves

Solidarity with the Single Woman is the theme of the anthology I'll be editing and digitally publishing to the Amazon store for Kindle.  It will feature all new short stories from Rachel Lynn Brody (@girl_onthego), Anne Baker (@annebakerbooks), Sandi Layne (@sandyquill), myself and others!  It will be released just in time for Valentine's Day this year, just when so many of our sisters are hit the hardest with seemingly supernatural attacks on their self-esteem, body image, and self-worth.  No more!  Solidarity with the Single Woman!

Information will be updated as we go along, so stay tuned!

Just In: Our Anthology has a name!  Sassy Singularity