Edward Lorn's Blog, page 26

My Semi-Fictional Life #44 (Need to Know Information)

Hey, peeps. Today I want to give you information and let you decide, for yourself,  whether or not Trump is to be trusted, or I’m just blowing hot air into a furnace.

First, Hillary Clinton won/is winning the popular vote. No this doesn’t mean that she still has a shot at the White House, but it further cements the fact that the American people did not choose Trump. The electoral college did. I know this sounds like I’m beating a dead horse, but as long as I see people claiming that Trump’s win was clear and evident, I will keep posting the facts. I’m not going to give you a single link, but I would like you to use an unbiased key phrase in your search engine of choice. Simply type in, or copy and paste from here, “popular vote 2016” into any search bar and read the results.

Next, to those who’re saying, “Give Trump a chance,” I need you to pay very close attention. I want you to do the same unbiased search for “Stephen Bannon” and see what you find. He’s a white-nationalist with a sordid past. I want you to read about him and his company, Breitbart News, and ask yourself if you want him anywhere near the White House. Why? Because he’s being assigned the role, by Trump, of Chief Strategist, or, if you prefer, the role of Top Advisor. To recap, Donald Trump wants a white-nationalist (or neo-nazi, because potato/pahtahto) advice on how to run our country. This is exactly why we should not “Give Trump a chance.” More on what to do about Bannon in tomorrow’s blog because I’m running out of time here.

Final bit of homework is Trump’s first 100 days. There’s a lot of normal stuff on this list that doesn’t seem wacky or terrifying or even half-bad. But, like everything in life, you need to pay attention to every last detail. HERE is a list of things Trump will try and accomplish in his first 100 days as Commander and Chief. READ. THEM. ALL. EVERY. LAST. ONE. Again, if you want to search “Trump’s first 100 days” youself, by all means, do it. Take note of his plans with the Keystone Pipeline, which he holds shares in. In layman’s terms, he makes money off the deal.

If you’re cool with any of the stuff listed above, that’s on you. I cannot make you care or make you a decent human being. But in the Age of Information, there is no reason to remain ignorant. Read, digest, and react. It’s the only way forward from here.

There’s a lot of stuff to go over in the next few days. I will be hosting a distraction every Friday called Flash Fiction Fridays, where you get to decide what goes into the story I write. If you would like details and/or to join in on WordPress, you can use this link HERE, or if you prefer Goodreads, where all the cool kids hangout, click HERE. This should be a lot of fun and a much needed bit of comic relief. Seriously, you gotta see what people are already suggesting on Goodreads. Fun times, man.

Finally, I wrote 4,244 words today. Very happy with that. I should be caught up with NaNoWriMo in the next week… I hope.

Stay educated, take mental health days, spend downtime with loved ones and people you trust, but do not stop fighting. Rest and regroup, but get back out there. This isn’t an over-exaggeration. Trump is exactly what we think he is.

See you tomorrow,

E.

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My Semi-Fictional Life #43 (Let’s Play Flash Fiction Fridays)

Early Edition:

Hello, peeps… no, you didn’t miss some days. It is Monday, but… Well, lemme explain. Today we’re going to talk about something I used to do on Booklikes called Flash Fiction Fridays. I’ve always been a storyteller, and depending on who you ask, I’m either talented or an outright hack. I had a segment on my Booklikes blog called Confessions of a Hack, so I guess you know where my views of myself land. Anywho, I do consider my talent for storytelling a talent, but only in the same way that a liar can be really good at what they do. I excel at making shit up and tying shit together to make a single cogent thread, and I’m lucky enough to do it for a living, but so does James Patterson and we all know that man is one good fart away from brain death. Moreover, I really like a challenge. It keeps me at the top of my game.

I can write about anything. Whether or not what I write is any good… well, I’ll leave that up to you. Guess what else I’m going to leave up to you? No, not my extensive collection of ferret porn. Guess again… Right! You get to choose what I’m going to write about. Now, I do not have near as many followers on this site as I did on Booklikes, so I will be opening up comments around Monday of each week with a Flash Fiction Friday post and people will be able to comment throughout the week. I want you to comment on these threads (like this one righ’chere) giving me the plot point for the story you want me to write. The more outlandish the better. Then, on Friday, I will tie them all together and post the story.

Want an example of what I’m talking about? Click HERE for VegLand. If you scroll down to the bottom of the post, you can check out the people who submitted plot points and see how well I did incorporating them into the story. You can also get a feel for what I’m asking for.

Sound cool? Well, I’m not done yet. Next year, on this day, I will collect all 52 Flash Fiction Friday posts and release them in a paperback collection. Each story will include your name (however you want it shown: real name, pen name, online persona, whatever) and your suggestion. Credit where credit is due, and all that.

All right. Start dropping your plot points below. And yes, I’m going to be able to do both this and NaNoWriMo. I got this, son. No worries.

Oh, I wrote 4,055 for NaNoWriMo today, in case you were wondering. That’s five words less than yesterday, but still above my goal of 4k a day.

See you tomorrow,

E.

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My work in progress…

 

My Semi-Fictional Life #42 (#NotMyPresident Part 2)

Early Edition:

Hello, peeps. I know I don’t have many if any Trump supporters who follow this blog. That’s part of the problem with surrounding yourself with decent-minded folks. It creates an echo chamber and the only ones to engage you are the truly fanatical. So I won’t talk to them. I will talk to you.

I see you crying. I see your YouTube videos where you’re breaking down and screaming and threatening to harm yourselves. I won’t laugh at you or tell you to calm down, but I will tell you that this is not the end. This is only the beginning. If you feel alone, if you feel scared, all you have to do is turn on the television or go to YouTube and watch the live videos of anti-Trump protests. You are not alone. You are not crazy. Trump is not who we, the American people, chose. He is the winner of an antiquated electoral college that is centuries old. To read more about the Electoral College click HERE to be taken to a Time article. But I highly recommend researching it for yourself.

The truth of the matter, and what has everyone but Trump supporters in a stir, is that Trump won nothing. That’s what the Electoral College is: nothing. It’s a balancing system for an era that no longer exists. That hasn’t existed for a very long time.

What do we do about that? Well, I don’t know. I’m still hunting information, and I suggest you do the same. I doubt highly that any petition is going to change anything. I doubt the peaceful protests (or the violent ones) will do much of anything. The only thing we can do is wait out the four years and then get off our asses and vote this sonuvabitch and everyone like him out of office in 2020.

But I’d feel remiss if I didn’t mention who I truly blame for Trump’s new position. I blame the 42.4% of eligible voters who chose to stay home and do nothing. Fuck you as much if not more than Trump. I don’t even blame the people who voted for Johnson or Stein or even their-fucking-selves. At least they had the ovaries to leave their goddamned houses.

A final NaNoWriMo update for those of you who are still paying attention, I managed 4,060 words today on the new project. I’m shooting for 4,000 words a day. We’ll see how long I can keep that up.

No more excerpts. This one relies heavily on me being a sneaky bastard. All you get is a title: HOW TO BURN A WITCH.

And to answer Jaime’s comment on Facebook “It better be a bad witch” I’d say, “Who says it has to be about a witch at all?”

Stay strong, peeps.

See you tomorrow,

E.

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My Semi-Fictional Life #41 (A Review)

Good morning, peeps. I’m exhausted and I still have writing to catch up on. My NaNoWriMo project is in the bin. Nothing wrong with it, per se, but I’ve told this story before, so into the trunk it goes. Rest in Peace PLATFORM. May you someday see a revival.

Now I have a serious task ahead of me. I’m going to try (and likely fail) to write a completely different novel (or at the very least 50,000 words of it) before December 1st. I have the story in my mind from beginning to end or else I wouldn’t even attempt this. I’ll post updates whenever I can. Let’s see how I do.

Now for a review. This one is a mite personal.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics, by Marisha Pessl

Five Stars

Let’s get my one and only complaint about the book out of the way.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics is hard to get into. I started it numerous times it, but it kept losing my attention. Then my good friend Thomas Stromquist mentioned it was on his TBR, so we gave it the old buddy-read try and I finally got past the first 50 pages. It wasn’t until Blue met Hannah that the story grabbed me. That is not to say that the opening pages are unneeded. The exact opposite is true. Everything here comes together to create a tremendous literary achievement. But it’s a bit like Peter Straub’s Ghost Story in that it takes a while to get going. Once it did grab me, I never wanted to put it down.

Unfortunately, my experience with this wonderful book will forever be marred by a dark time in American history, when a court jester took over the Kingdom, when hate and anger won out over logic and progress, when a quarter of America chose the rewind button over the pause button. Would Clinton have moved us forward? Probably not. She was as much of a part of the oligarchy and white America as Trump, but she certainly wouldn’t have sent us back to the age of Jim Crow by promoting the gloating, gleeful hatred we’re seeing now.

In a way, I feel like Blue felt toward the end of this book; abandoned and forgotten. To witness the results of Election Day 2016 and see that 42.4% of American citizens decided to stay home and allow a sexist, racist, xenophobic, sexual predator to win the office of Commander and Chief of the one of the greatest superpowers on Earth is surreal. We’re the laughing stock of the free world and for good reason. For fuck’s sake, only 58.6% of Americans could even be bothered to vote.

So, I suppose, Special Topics in Calamity Physics was an apt novel to read during this unruly time in American politics. The topic of uncertainty plays as big of a part in the novel as it now does in America’s future. Both see the ruin of intelligent people. Both deal with habitual liars and human beings being terrible to one another.

Yeah, man, I couldn’t have read a better (worse?) book around this time of year.

Will you like Special Topics in Calamity Physics? I’m gonna say, probably not. If you didn’t like Pessl’s sophomore effort Night Film, you’ll likely not like this one. Even though the two books couldn’t be more different in tone, they both take a considerable amount of effort to understand and propose more questions than Pessl gives outright answers to. I, however, loved both books. I especially dig that Pessl doesn’t hold the reader’s hand. I like having to figure things out on my own. As long as there’s enough information for me to puzzle piece everything together, I’m happy, and that’s exactly what this book offers.

I feel the need to clarify something though. There is a difference between an author giving zero answers and readers being able to have more than one right answer. Dig it: The bible can be read by a hundred people and each person will have a different experience because that book is full of allegory and metaphor. There is no one right answer. This is why so many people believe it to be the work of a higher power, because they cannot grasp the concept that a human being can create something so intricate and multifaceted. But authors like Pessl show us that it is possible for a human being to master the artform that is allegory. Luckily for readers everywhere, Pessl’s novels are far more lucid and cogent than any book of the bible. They are far more realistic as well.

I am in awe, yet again, at how many story threads and intricate details Marisha Pessl is able to juggle while keeping her narrative engaging. The openness of the mystery was a breath of fresh air when compared to the heavy-handed, spoon-fed denouements I’ve grown accustomed to receiving in modern thrillers. This isn’t James Patterson or Dan Brown. This is a smart, well-written mystery while loads of heart.

Speaking of heart, I want to get even more personal with this review. There’s a scene in this book where Blue is betrayed by someone she’s just been intimate with. This scene hit me hard because much the same thing happened to me in high school. I was a football player and relatively popular for being a fat kid. I still got picked on quite a bit, but a lot of people liked me because I carried around a gives-no-fucks attitude. I learned at a really early age not to give a flying fuck what other people thought about me. What everyone else thinks about me is none of my business. Well, this confidence attracted a girl by the name of Jill. Jill was a smaller girl, on the thin side, not really someone I thought would ever be interested in me, because everyone else thought she was super hot. And, I’ll be damned, Jill and I ended up hooking up. We fucked quite a bit over the course of four days. I thought I was in love, and she kept coming back for more, so I must’ve been doing something right. That is until someone found out about us and she denied everything. Denied even knowing me. Even when people came forward and said they’d seen us together, she called them a liar. I never once bragged about those four days we screwed around together, but she outright refused to even admit she’d so much as hung out with me. I didn’t care if anyone knew about us fucking, but it hurt that she would pretend like I meant nothing to her because she was scared people would think less of her for so much as knowing me. Hell, maybe I never did mean anything to her. I’ll never know.

Anyway, yeah, that scene tore my heart out and crushed it under a boot heel. That shit hurt, yo.

In summation: Sorry that this is less of a review and more of a diatribe, but my reviews have always been personal things. Also, my reviews will always be for me first. I like being able to look back on my reviews and see what I was like or what the state of the world was like while I was reading. I fucking hate that this election was a blight on an otherwise fantastic book and that, from here on out, any time I see Special Topics in Calamity Physics sitting on my bookshelf, I will see the gloating face of America’s broken education system and tl;dr crowd.

Final Judgment: A brilliantly and beautifully constructed and impeccably delivered novel by one of my newest favorite authors.

And that’s it.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

E.

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My Semi-Fictional Life #40 (Trump and the Long Con)

Hey guys. Today I’m going to mansplain how Trump won. If you prefer not to hear a cis-gendered, straight, white male speaking from a position of privilege, I don’t blame you. Plenty of PoC and LGBTQIA saying these same things. Follow @BlackNergirls on Twitter for some terrific commentary on where this country is going and how to support PoC everywhere, as well as some great nerdy goodness. But, if you don’t mind listening to another white man rambling about what went wrong this election cycle, hang around. I’m doing my best to continue the fight the only way I know how, and that is by writing and signal boosting.

First, some much needed information during this difficult time.

If you see hate, #reporthate. This is especially important for my fellow white men who are allies. Do not stand by and watch this crap happen. React properly. Help to remove the threat anyway you can. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down next to the person who’s being harassed and striking up a conversation and ignoring the person spewing hate. If you’re not up for confrontation, find someone who is. Do not do nothing.

For my friends in the LGBTQIA community, It gets better. They caught you sleeping, but they won’t catch you again. We only need to make it four years. Believe me, this won’t happen again. I’ll tell you why before the end of this post. If you find yourself worried your marriage will be null and void, check out THIS TWEET to find out what you should do. Also, here’s some more resources in another important TWEET.

Do not let this monster and his campaign of hate keep you from going out and doing. Do not be Germany during Hitler’s rise. Fight this hatemonger at every turn. Support local businesses owned and operated by PoC and the LGBTQIA. This is important. Readers, reach beyond white male authors. Yes, even me. Move past me and grab a book by Victor LaValle or Toni Morrison or any number of female authors and People of Color. Expand your mind beyond the straight-white norm and I will try and make my books even more diverse. Authors, make important characters PoC or LGBTQIA, but do not be obvious about it. Instead of “Meet Tom, he’s gay.” Try, “Here’s Tom and his boyfriend Frank.” Show, do not tell. This isn’t about bragging rights (“I gots gays and black folks in my books!”), it’s about inclusion and normalizing human beings that some people view as less than human.

If I’m wrong about this, please, inform me. I’m open for advice, because I do not know everything. I’m only spreading advice given to me by PoC and members of the LGTBQIA community. If you prefer I don’t give advice that does not pertain to me, I have no problem not talking about something if I am not fully informed. Send me information and I will signal boost you.

So how did Trump win? He won by long con. He convinced the American people that he was too stupid to win. The final nail in the coffin was his assuring people that the election was rigged. Brilliant move on his part. This assured that his detractors would stay home, because why else would be be saying it was rigged if he wasn’t a sure thing to lose? This also made his supporters get out and vote all the more. Trump’s not dumb. Neither was Hitler. He’s an arrogant, vengeful, tasteless man who is willing to sacrifice his morals to further his business strategy. He sold hate and fear to ignorant, scared people and they bought it wholesale. Now all these rednecks and hillbillies and poor white trash that he suckered into voting for him are going to pay the price. They will continue to be stomped into the firmament by poverty, and when things don’t get better (which they won’t), they will not vote for him in 2020.

The important thing to remember is, we won’t be fooled again. 42.4% of America didn’t vote. Let that sink in. Trump is NOT the will of the people. He’s just a really good con artist. This just goes to prove that you should never underestimate your opponent.

Keep fighting the good fight and I’ll see you tomorrow.

E.

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Feel free to share this image anywhere you’d like.

My Semi-Fictional Life #39 (#NotMyPresident)

Early edition:

Hello, guys. Today I’m tired. Yesterday I was mad, but now I’m just tired. Not giving up. Just regrouping.

In the past twelve hours, I’ve had someone say to me “Last time I checked there were no fences keeping you here” and another person say “If you hadn’t married a black woman you’d have nothing to worry about.” The new hierarchy’s supporters are some  classy motherfuckers, I tell you. Last time I heard hillbillies this arrogant and happy they were reminiscing about owning people.

So, to recap: our vice president thinks electrocuting people can change their sexual orientation, our next president is a literal sexist, racist, xenophobic, reality-television star who likes picking on the mentally handicapped, assaulting women and allegedly children, and is planning on placing a climate denier  in charge of the EPA, and the house and senate will be majority Republican.

Wow. That’s not burning the house down. That’s nuking the entire continent.

What you’re going to see is a quick death of the middle and lower class. In place of that class system, you will see a rise in a King/peasants arrangement. Poverty will become the way of life for the masses, while King Trump and Queen Pence rule over all. The cat’s been crated and the mice are happy as shit. These Christian extremists and Orange-flavored madmen have not a sane member among them, and now they have no one to stand in their way of destroying every forward step we’ve taken in recent years.

People of Color are in danger. Our LGBTQ friends are in danger. Women are in danger. Anyone who isn’t a Christian is in danger. This is not conspiracy theory. This is not fearmongering. This is fact. Human rights are at risk, and the only people who are not in danger are straight, white, American males. We’re looking at a resurgence of Jim Crow, people. I guess what the rednecks have been saying is true; the south will rise again. Fuck me running…

Then you have the religious nuts, who’re almost as bad as the bigots. I had my mom tell me tonight that all this is just the Book of Revelations coming to pass. Fuck that. This isn’t some supernatural nonsense. Satan isn’t coming for your booty-hole. This is real shit. But you have some motherfuckers, my mother included, who cannot wait for the end. So even people who don’t like Trump like the fact that he might bring on literal fucking rapture. And they call Islamic suicide bombers crazy extremists.

I cannot believe I am related to people who think this way. I love my mother, but her nonchalant, all-praise-to-god attitude is fucking maddening. But it’s also to be expected. When you have millions upon millions of dense motherfuckers who believe the only truth is a book written a thousand plus years ago, you’re bound to see a decline in intelligence on the whole. Why do you need science when some invisible man has all the answers? Need help with your math? Just pray!

FUCK! Fuck religion. Fuck Trump. Fuck Pence. Fuck anyone who is trying to normalize these hatemongers. He’s not going to try and bring us together. No way is he going to make the world safe for the LGBTQ community. Are you fucking kidding me? Mike Pence literally wants to shock and pray the gay away and you think Trump gives a shit about protecting you from him? Wake up, people.

Donald Trump was elected with fewer votes than Mitt Romney received in 2012 and John McCain in 2008. Meaning Trump didn’t win the election as much as he managed to convince voters to stay home. “Hillary’s got this. No reason to get off my lazy ass.” She won the popular vote, which means her loss isn’t a message that America wants change. It’s a message that America was too cocksure. The next four years will be due to complacency more than anything. The next four years certainly aren’t a product of what America wanted because America, for the most part, didn’t have a voice, and you only have yourselves to blame because “I betoV”!

Needless to say, I’m not accepting Trump. He didn’t win. Hillary lost to her own supporters’ laziness. America’s fucked up electoral college, once again, dicked us, and I will do everything in my power, everything aside from violence, to fight Trump’s presidency with education and a change of scenery. How? Here’s my three step plan:

#1. Move my family to a swing state so that my vote actually matters next time. Voting anything but Republican in the south, which is where I live, is like repeatedly bashing one’s hand in a car door expecting the 101st time to be less painful than the first 100 times.

#2. I’m condensing my social media presence to three places: Instagram, this blog, and Goodreads, all three of which are daisychained to post on Facebook on Twitter. Meaning, if you want to talk to me and have me respond, I don’t suggest using Facebook or Twitter to comment. Comment here, on Instagram, on Goodreads, or email me. If you want updates from me, follow me on those three platforms. This will streamline my social media presence and give me more time to focus on #3.

#3. Be more active in the community, promoting education, the tolerance of people and the intolerance of religion. I know these sound like conflicting things, but they really aren’t. Your faith and proselytizing is not harmless. Religion is asinine and more people should be educated on how harmful it is. It makes you blind. It makes you gullible. It makes you complacent. It’s cons far outweigh its pros. Religion doesn’t make anything better. Anything you can do with religion you can do, possibly even better, without it. Religion gives you a false sense of security by allowing you to push off all your concerns to some invisible man in the sky. “God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle.” Oh, fuck off with that dark-age mumbo jumbo hoodoo bullshit.  The universe gives not a fuck for you. You’re on your own. Being alone is nowhere near as sad as needing an imaginary friend to give you a feeling of self worth. Again, wake the fuck up, people. Focus on real life and not fairytales about some mythical afterlife. We need you here. We need you active not passive. Get out of church and make a goddamn difference.

My message is simply:

Tolerate people and their many different genders, shapes, sizes, and colors.

Tolerate beliefs only to the extent that they do not affect the progress of the the human race.

Keep church away from state completely.

Make America read again!

Keep religious text out of nonfiction and in its own genre, like horror and scifi and romance. Keep it far the hell away from schools. Like sexual predators, bibles should have to remain 500 feet from any school.

Stop blind hatred. Stop hating people for how they look and start hating them for what they do. I’ve never seen a skin color murder someone or rape a person or steal possessions or burn down a church. People do that shit. Not colors.

(Have you ever sat back and considered how fucking stupid hating someone based on the level of melanin in their skin is? You literally have no control over what color you’re born. None. The single-cell organisms who believe differently don’t deserve to breathe decent-people air.)

Those of you I haven’t scared off, see you tomorrow. The rest of you, again, need to wake the fuck up and take responsibility for this mess you’ve made. “I betoV” so I have every right to complain. How about you?

Challenge each other. It’s the only way we’re ever going to change.

*hugs and high fives*

E.

My Semi-Fictional Life #38 (Election 2016… lolwut?)

Early edition:

Hello, my blatantly-racist, misogynistic, xenophobic cocksuckers. Today, America has been cancelled. Just kidding. We’re gonna make it great again, or some shit. It does make me wonder, though, that now, if you’re proud to be an American, does that make you all the things I listed at the beginning of this post? Like, is it cool to be a horrible person going into 2017?

All decency flew out the window last night as America gave everyone not of the cis-gendered, straight, white persuasion the middle finger. Mexicans? Fuck ’em. Muslims? Fuck them too. LGBT? Suck a fatty, lads and ladies and everything in between. Women? Especially fuck them. Literally. Just grab them and do whatever you want to them. Shit, our president does.

Wow, man. I can actually say that and it be the truth. Let that sink in. Our president, the man who will be taking over at the White House in January, that motherfucker will be on trial for molestation in December.

lolwut?!?!?!?!

I’m lucky. I’m a straight-identifying cracker-ass cracker. I’m a cold-ass honky who loves the ladies. I’m gonna be fine. My wife and kids? Not so much. Now I gotta worry about them everywhere we go because it’s now okay to hate 75% of my family. Excuse me while I break something.

Guess you know now who I voted for, huh? Oh fucking well.

You don’t get an excerpt from me today. I’m mad at you. Well, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. You really elected that motherfucker? For real? Jaysus Huckleberry Count of Monte Cristo Crizzle-Claus, you crazy bastards finally did it. You fucked it up. Good on you, you rebellious cock stains. Time to watch the world burn.

You don’t even get a fucking pic of the day.

See you tomorrow,

E.

 

My Semi-Fictional Life #37 (I Goddamn Voted)

Hello, my demented democracy-crazed demigods. I goddamn motherfucking voted. I said I was #BernieorBust, but once I got in there, goddamn it, I caved. I voted for the lesser of two evils. Not telling you who. That’s my business.

My mother had an interesting interaction with a person at her voting location today. Dude wanted to see her ballot, and when she refused to show him, he rather adamantly told her “Just don’t fold it!” Talk about a WTF moment. She has no clue if the dude was a poll worker or not. She didn’t even catch whether or not he had a “I betoV” sticker or not. You didn’t get a “I betoV” sticker? Shame. I did.

Anyfuck, I know I said I would have some flash fiction for you. I’m sorry, but I must let you down this evening. Maybe tomorrow. If it makes you feel any better, I’m waiting on my editor to send the piece back to me. I don’t blame them for not sending it today, I just needed someone to throw under the bus. “Choo, choo, motherfucker!”

Buses go choo choo, right?

I managed to write today. 2,096 words, which might be the year America recovers from this presidency. That pushes my word count for NaNoWriMo up to 17,215, like a boss. Way ahead of schedule, which is good, because my bunker isn’t the most optimum of writing locations and I might just be down there permanently come tomorrow. Did I mention I live in the south? Did I mention they’re talking about rioting if a certain orange-flavored candidate doesn’t beat the two-faced one?

I’ll be so glad when tomorrow rolls around and we have a few years between now and the next one. I just want this shit to be over.

Excerpt time…

 

Maybe there was a simple answer to all of this. Maybe he could not respond. Possibly he’d had a stroke and was currently fighting for his life on the kitchen floor. Or he’d had a heart attack in the garage while working on some new book or short story.

Or… or… or…

I know, I know, it’s nothing fantastic. It can’t all be gold.

See you tomorrow,

E.

Pic of the Day

I betoV

P.S. Don’t tell Al Kunz I voted for someone who might actually win. His last screw might come loose.

 

My Semi-Fictional Life #36 (Updates on New Content!)

Hello, my clandestine cookie-cutting kiddos. Today I was going through my stats for the past week and I noticed a drastic increase in traffic in the last 24 hours. Why? I haven’t a clue. Maybe because that lump of fecal impaction I posted yesterday was politically charged. Maybe not. Either way, if you’ve stumbled across my blog and enjoyed what you read, I appreciate the time you’ve spent reading what I have on display. If you don’t like what you see, mind telling me what you’d like to see? I’m always open to suggestions. If you’ve decided to shop at my STORE, you have my and my family’s undying gratitude, even if you end up hating my stuff, I appreciate your business. Thanks for letting me hold a bit of your hard earned scratch. From mine to yours, you rock hard. *fist bumps*

I got some good news this morning. A publisher is interested in my novel, The Sound of Broken Ribs, but it’s still too early to talk about the details. Mainly because I don’t even know the details yet. Suffice it to say, you’ll likely have your hands on The Sound of Broken Ribs within the next year. It’s a full-length novel (my first in three years) of about 75,000 words and is set, partially, in Bay’s End. You’ll definitely see the return of some familiar faces from the Lorn-verse, so keep your eyes peeled for more about that one.

Also, in case you’ve been living under a rock, my new novella, Fairy Lights, is going strong over at www.darkfusemagazine.com. If you’re a subscriber, you can read it for free HERE. If not, you can pay a one-time fee of $3.99 and read it HERE. If you choose to go that route, Darkfuse will gift you a copy of the ebook upon release. Episode Three should be live some time tonight.

The hardcover of Fairy Lights is coming in December, as well.

That’s all the news for today. I’m going to try and post some flash fiction for you tomorrow if it comes back from my editor in time. If not, maybe I’ll write something on the spot…

What’s that? Oh, you want an excerpt from today’s writings? Since you asked nicely…

 

In life, a set scene never goes as planned. We follow directions and set our rules and everything still falls apart. This is because, like death and taxes, human nature is an assured outcome. There will always be that one person who wants to see everything ruined, for a laugh. And, because God has a sense of humor, no one is safe. Our lives, every last one of them, are comedies of error, and our deities are fallible, for we created them in our own image.

 

The book is going really well. I cracked 15,000 words today. Very happy with the tone I’ve set and the development of the characters. I can’t wait to give this cast hell and see how they react.

See you tomorrow,

E.

Pic of the Day

Too soon?

My Semi-Fictional Life #35 (Bloviation)

Hello, my acne-riddled angry anarchists. Today is the last day of church before you crazy motherfuckers ruin our country for the next four years, and possibly forever. I’m not voting for either of your choices, and before you say there are loads of choices, you should stop and see the forest for the trees. There are only two choices that matter. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein and your Uncle Benny, who you’re gonna write in for shits and giggles, have a nun’s chance of pregnancy at winning the election. So while you’re in your tax shelters this morning, asking invisible men to stop global poverty and hunger while you drop 10% of your income into a plate to fund your preacher’s monthly PornHub subscription, I want you to sit in the corner and think about what you have done.

Just kidding. We’re all fucked and there’s nothing you can do. Might as well get drunk and… Oh, it’s Sunday and your local liquor store is closed? Oh, well. Should’ve thought about that last night. Maybe your neighbor Jimmy, with his hopped up pickup truck and Trump/Pence 2016 sign, can lend you some of his moonshine. Or perhaps your super-progressive neighbor, the one with the electric car and basement full of Bernie Sanders supporters chained to the floor, can make you some cookies and give you a safe place so you’re not triggered on Tuesday.

Dear Liberals and Conservatives, fuck you both. Please, take a spin on a nail-studded traffic cone. Stay home. Don’t vote. Give the rest of us a chance to change the country. Let’s throw out the candidates whose pockets are lined by corporations. Forget the emails and the pussy grabbing. Ignore the racism and fear-mongering. Curl up in bed and dream of ammosexual couplings with cis-gendered, straight, white people as they thunderfuck you and your country into the dark ages. I know they’re coming, those of the cis-gendered, straight, white-people persuasion, because I’m one of them. We met Tuesday last and agreed to rule the world for another four years.

Kidding. I’m not the literal devil. Only a figurative one. I voted for Obama, twice, so I can’t be that bad. Right?

But, by all means, vote I’m With Her while the only people she’s for is corporate America. Or vote for the Tang Spokesman of the Year, for all I care. I hate both of them. I hate both parties. I especially hate showing off unedited material. So here’s your excerpt for the day:

“Then don’t talk to me like a child. I’m not here to impede on your investigation. I approached you to introduce myself and you gave me shit. I am, in turn, giving you shit right back. Listen, I don’t plan on having a shitty stay here, so either we’re going to get along, or you’re going to deal with my fucking presence. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you should know that I’m not cool with egg shells. I don’t walk on them. I stomp the motherfuckers to powder.”

The minute you folks start taking me seriously is the moment you need to stop reading this blog. *smooches*

See you tomorrow,

E.

Pic of the Day

Chris watching the world burn… or cookies baking… can’t remember which.