Edward Lorn's Blog, page 21
January 4, 2017
My Semi-Fictional Life #94 (Southern Hospitality? lulz!)
Hello peeps. One of my favorite people on the planet came to visit today. My niece Amber has long been one of the coolest people I know. When she lived around here, she was my gym buddy. Alas, she had to move away to New Jersey, so I only see her about once a year now.
Anyway, it was nice catching up. She had some funny stories about a trip she took with her sister (my other niece, Ashley) to New York and some embarrassing situations they got into. We discussed the differences between New York, New Jersey, and here (Alabama), and I came to a weird realization.
I don’t mind shitty people being shitty to me if I know they’re going to be shitty. For instance, when I moved from Alabama to Maine, I expected the “Northern Attitude”. And I got it. Yankees are opinionated and will tell you exactly what they don’t like about you. You don’t even have to ask. When I moved back down to Alabama, I found myself pissed off at people much more because this is the south, where they are (allegedly) known for “Southern Hospitality”. Ha! You know what “Southern Hospitality” is? It’s when a southerner pretends to like you if liking you will benefit them in some way. If they wanna sell you a beat-up old car. “Yessir, can I get you a glass of sweet tea with that lemon?” If they’re selling you BBQ “Can I get you a mint to go with that breath, bubba?” If they think your kid’s ugly but they really wanna sell you the lumber for a new swing set “Lookit that little firecracker. Bless his little heart!” If you’re an outsider, say, like a Damn Yankee, or my west-coast-ass, you’re not getting any of that hospitality. And if you’re anything but Caucasian, be ready to be treated like a second-class citizen, because to these folks, you are far below those who boast that they’re “SOUTHERN BY THE GRACE OF GOD!”
My revelation is this: I don’t like people who hide their inner asshole. If you don’t like me for whatever reason, just tell me. It’s not going to bother me. In fact, I would much rather you hate me to my face.
Does your state or region have anything like “Southern Hospitality” or “Northern Attitude”? Let me know down below.
See you tomorrow … when I might actually finish and post my Gone with the Wind review… maybe…
…maybe…
E.
Pic of the Day
New Murakami book, COLORLESS TSUKURU TAZAKI AND HIS YEARS OF PILGRAMAGE, came in today! #bookmailisthebestmail
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January 3, 2017
My Semi-Fictional Life #93 (I Bought a Couch)
Hello peeps. This post is more for my personal records than it is for fans of the blog. When I first decided to do a blog a day for an entire year, I mainly did it to chronicle all the interesting life events between October 2016 October 2017. This is one of those posts I want to be able to look back on and smile.
Today, I bought my very first couch. I know, I know, it seems strange that a 36 year old man has never before purchased a couch, but it’s true. I’ve only ever been given hand-me-down couches, or I’ve rented them and returned them when I got tired of them or could no longer afford them. This is the first couch I’ve ever purchased outright. It arrives Tuesday.
And, y’all, it’s leather! *squeals and runs away flailing*
My wife suggested we hit up the clearance backroom at one of our local furniture stores, and we found this super-marked-down three-seater that is sexy as fuck. I didn’t think to get a picture of it while we were there, but I will post one when it gets here.
Anyway, I’m stoked. I feel like an adult and shit. Radical.
What was your last major household purchase? Let me know down below.
See you tomorrow,
E.
Pic of the Day
This is a real product…
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January 2, 2017
My Semi-Fictional Life #92 (Let’s Play Flash Fiction Fridays, Round 7!)
Hello peeps. It’s that time again. Took a week off to draw up my best and worst of 2016, but now it’s a new year and a new week and Flash Fiction Fridays must return.
You know what to do: In the comment section of this post (be it on Goodreads or WordPress, either is fine), I want you to give me your wildest ideas. The more the merrier. The wackier the better. Then, on Friday, I will tie them all together into a (hopefully) cogent story. The stories won’t always be great, but gems are found in the strangest places.
Next year, after I’ve collect 52 of these weekly stories, I will publish a collection of them giving all commenters their due credit. So play along and get your name in a book.
See you tomorrow,
E.
Pic of the Day
Currently reading…
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January 1, 2017
My Semi-Fictional Life #91 (Happy New Year!)
Hello peeps. It’s a new year, and while, realistically, that doesn’t mean much, it is that much closer to some new releases of mine. Hopefully I have some reveals coming in a few weeks that I can share with you. Super excited about everything I have waiting in the wings. It’s gonna be a good year.
This morning I managed to eek out 1,003 words to finish up a short story collab I’m doing with one of my favorite authors. Once we have things finalized, I’ll let you know more. Also, I’ll be posting my word count throughout the year, for those of you who are interested.
Tomorrow we restart Flash Fiction Fridays. I’ll be asking once more for your suggestions, so get them ready. I hate that I had to skip it last week, but I wanted to do my best and worst of the year.
I hope you had a safe night last night. Wishing you all the best in 2017.
See you tomorrow,
E.
Pic of the Day
Stolen from Facebook…
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December 31, 2016
My Semi-Fictional Life #90 (Book of the Year 2016)
Hello peeps. Today I’ve decided to do a winner and four runner up choices. I read too many great novels this year for me to choose only one second place winner. The runners up are in no order, as I loved each of them equally. But, in the end, I loved one of these novels more than the rest…
Winner of Book of the Year 2016 is…
The Glorious Heresies came out of nowhere. I requested the book from Crown Publishing because I dug the neon cover and thought it would look great in my collection. Just the pop my shelves needed, because I’m as much a collector of literature as I am the artform of cover design. I almost didn’t read it. It sat on my shelf for two months before I remembered I was obligated to give it a chance for review. Holy shit am I glad I started it. From first to last page, Lisa McInerney took me through the tumultuous lives of several of Ireland’s less-than-moral citizens. This one barely beat out The Summer That Melted Everything, and only because I loved Karin and Ryan so much. Their fucked up love story sealed the deal and pushed this one into Best of the Year territory. Again, thanks to Crown Publishing for the chance to review this fantastic novel.
This year’s runners up are…
The Summer That Melted Everything, by Tiffany McDaniel
Ham on Rye, by Charles Bukowski
Gone with the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
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and GodBomb!, by Kit Power
Clicking on each cover will take you to my review of each book, all except Gone with the Wind. I’m taking my time with that review. Once I finish it, I will link it here, but it’ll be at least a week into 2017 before I get to it. Again, these final four are in no particular order. I loved them all in different-yet-equal ways, and they are the books that made the biggest impression on me this year.
Thanks for joining me,
See you next year!
E.
December 30, 2016
My Semi-Fictional Life #89 (Best Novella 2016!)
Hello peeps. The novella is one of my favorite formats, especially for horror. When done right, as my choices for this year were, you get a full experience in half the time. Sometimes, in a third of the time. In fact, in the case of this year’s winner, I enjoyed the author’s novella more than I have any of his novels that I’ve read.
Winner of Best Novella of 2016 is…
You know what’s still haunting me? Ma Att’s shadow/tail/whatever-the-fuck. Every time I think it’s gone from my brain, there it is again. One of the best written descriptions I’ve read. Every mention of it filled me with dread. Read my review by clicking on the cover image.
This year’s runner up position goes to…
I might sound like a fanboy, but Kealan Patrick Burke can do no wrong when it comes to novellas. This dude has mastered the format. Every time I see he’s dropped a new one, I buy it and devour it. This is not to say his shorts and novels stink. They do not. They rock as well. But my personal preference is his novellas. I have yet to read one that was not, in my opinion, fucking perfect. Click on the cover to read my review.
See you tomorrow,
E.
December 29, 2016
My Semi-Fictional Life #88 (Best Audiobook of 2016)
Hello peeps. I listened to far less audiobooks this year than I did in previous years. Mainly because I found so many terrific physical books for a quarter at the local thrift shop, meaning I had a bigger selection of books with which to busy myself with. But I did manage to listen to some awesome stories, so here’s the best of the year.
My choice for audiobook of the year is…
I’m Thinking of Ending Things is not only my choice for audiobook of the year, but one of my favorite audiobooks of all time. Mainly because the book is made for audio. There are clues sprinkled throughout that cannot be put into writing. Plenty of my friends read this book and hated it, and I can see why. But if you have a chance to listen to this book, I highly suggest you do so. Click on the book cover to read my review.
This year’s runner up is…
Many of you will be shocked to see Brandon Sanderson’s Calamity in this runner up spot. Yes, I disliked the first two and a half books, but they had their fun moments. The thing that kept me reading was I wanted to know what Calamity was. My questions were answered, and this final book is without a doubt much better than the first 2.5 books. It’s as if Sanderson the Word Mill held back until this one, or that he wrote the first two novels solely because he wanted to write this one. I dug it very much. Click on the cover for more information on why. One final note on this series: Had I read these instead of listened to them, I likely never would’ve finished the first book. Sometimes an audiobook can enhance an otherwise shitty experience.
See you tomorrow,
E.
December 28, 2016
My Semi-Fictional Life #87 (Biggest Disappointment of 2016)
Hello peeps. Sorry we have another negative post. I know I said that the Worst Book of 2016 would be the only one, but I forgot about this category. I think this category is more important than Worst Book of the Year because these were books I was looking forward to.
My biggest disappointment of the year was…
This book was a long fart in a windstorm. Instead of lighting this stinker with a match and setting my pants on fire, a gust of wind kept blowing it out.Brrap! Fizzle. Fuck! The Fireman was a huge missed opportunity. You spend so much time inside the camp that you have no feel for what’s going on in the outside world. That being said, it’s an easy read for being so long. My only wish is that Hill wouldn’t have spent so much time tributing his father and borrowing from J.K. Rowling and written his own book. Click on the image to go to my review where you can read more of my thoughts.
This year’s runner up is…
The Con Season had so much potential. I mean, look at that terrific Cotronis cover. The concept is awesome but it’s another idea that goes nowhere. The ending is shitty beyond belief and unfortunately is the only thing I really remember about this one. Oh, there’s a chainsaw death in here somewhere, which is always fun, but what else happened? I can’t remember. This was my first Cesare book and it won’t be my last. The guy can write, no doubt about that. I only wish he would’ve done something more with this great premise.
See you tomorrow,
E.
December 27, 2016
My Semi-Fictional Life #86 (Best Translated Novel of 2016)
Hello peeps. I read a lot of translated fiction. While I am semi-bilingual (I know enough Swedish to get by, but am nowhere near fluent), I do not speak the original language in which these two books were written. The reason I chose the category Best Translated this year is because these two books feel as if they were originally written in English. So often I read translated books and I feel the difference. Whether it be a poor translation of a common phrase or just poorly written overall, I can usually sense where the translation is lacking even if I don’t speak the original language.
My choice for Best Translated Novel of 2016 is…
You can click on the image to read my review. Simply put, Dear Mr. M is fucking clever. In a world that churns out the same old thrillers year after year, Herman Koch is a breath of fresh air. The novel does seem to meander, but at the end, everything comes together brilliantly. I recall finishing this book, laying it down, and just sayin “Wow.” Thoroughly impressed with this one. It came damn close to winning Book of the Year from me.
And our runner up goes to…
I loved almost every page of this Murakami tome, but it is repetitious and laggy in parts, which caused me to pick Koch’s book over this one. Also, Dear Mr. M came out this year, whereas 1Q84 came out years ago. That led to my decision, as well. Again, you can click on the cover to read my review on Goodreads.
See you tomorrow,
E.
December 26, 2016
My Semi-Fictional Life #85 (Worst Book of 2016)
Hello peeps. The run up to the end of the year is upon us, and as promised, here I am with the Best and the Worst of 2016. From December 27-31, I will be showcasing my picks for my favorites reads of the year. But today we need to flush the nasty from sight so we can get to the good stuff. The only stipulation I gave this category is that I must have fought through and finished the book. No DNFs.
Each category will have a top spot and a runner up. Even today’s…
My pick for the worst book read in 2016 is…
You can click on the image to read my review, but suffice it to say that Paul Tremblay is a terrible author. None of his ideas are his own, and his writing style is bare minimum. I tried to give him another shot by reading Disappearance at Devil’s Rock and I couldn’t get past the three chapters. And that was in audio. Usually I can force my way through audio, as I did with A Head Full of Ghosts, but I couldn’t do with Disappearance. His writing is boring and flavorless and dumbed-down to the point that I deem him the James Patterson of horror. Hell, he even made me appreciate Josh Malerman a little more, and I thought that was impossible.
This year’s runner up goes to…
Jerusalem was almost this year’s winner, but looking back on Alan Moore’s masturbatory leavings, I do think that the middle of Jerusalem is a fine novel. It’s the other 900 pages that suck all the balls. My review is fun times, so give it a read if you haven’t already. Clicking on the book cover above will take you to it. The updates along the way are equally entertaining.
So that’s it; my worst reads of 2016. I’m sure some insecure folks out there will say this is just an author who’s a hater hating on people’s beloved shit, but these are my honest opinions. This year’s choices were really easy. As soon as I asked myself what two books I hated, these two popped into my head. After looking on GR, I can’t even remember the other books I one-starred. But these? They were garbage to the point of being burned into my psyche. Not Quite Gandalf and the James Patterson of Horror don’t have to worry, though. This hater isn’t reading anymore of their books.
See you tomorrow,
E.
P.S. Flash Fiction Friday is being postponed this week so that I can do my year in review. Sorry for those of you looking forward to it. We’ll be back at ’em next Monday, I promise. No Pic of the Day, either. Consider the covers of these books to be your PotD. *winky face*
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