Edward Lorn's Blog, page 118

Daily Ruminations: Day 14 – The 99%

The 99%: Are you broke? Are you well off? Or, are you just making it? Can you make ends meet and have a little left over? If you don’t want to talk about your financial situation, you’re in luck, because I don’t either. What I will say is, I’m not wealthy. There is no guarantee that I will always be able to provide for my family. Right now, we’re doing good, but that can change at any time. I’ve seen the bottom. I’ve been homeless. Not in between houses, or staying with family, but full blown sleeping on the streets homeless. But, is any of that the fault of rich people? I really don’t know. I’m uneducated on the topic. So, tell me what you think. Are rich people evil? Do they get all the breaks?

Donate to the comment section below.

E.

“Aenima” by Tool (Explicit)

“Sure could use a vacation from this…”

“Jack Is Writing” by Shaun Adams

Shaun Adams released his collection of dark fiction a week or so ago, and now it’s free on Smashwords. I suggest you take a look and download it. You can’t beat free, and this author is one to watch.  Definitely Edward Lorn approved reading material.

Click the cover above to get your copy today!

E.

E. At The Movies: The Perfect Title!

E. At The Movies #2:

The Perfect Title!

…For such a horrible movie.

Imdb.com says:

“The Quintanilla family was found dead. Recorded evidence was discovered by the police. Production company acquires the confidential material and edits it into a Horror Movie.”

This movie is just as exciting as it’s synopsis!

This film has won the award for “Best Title Ever!” in my book, because the movie is truly “atrocious.” Seriously,  the creators of this insufferable nonsense hit the nail on its proverbial head. WTF were they thinking. I want the last hour and thirteen minutes back. I think I’m going to sue.

The last time I saw a pile of Spanish shit this big, I’d eaten a batch of Paella the night before and didn’t know the shell fish had spoiled. What came out of me the next morning had more going for it than this movie.

If you don’t know Spanish, you’re awarded with subtitles. Doesn’t make the movie any better, as the dialogue is a load of horse droppings, too.

Atrocious screws the pooch right off the bat. The writer builds up this elaborate backstory about some girl that haunts a road in Graffe, Graff, Giraffe, hell I don’t know – the town had some Gs and Fs in it. This little girl, she’s suppose to lead you home if you get lost. That’s it. The characters in the movie even ask, “What’s so scary about that?” Exactly. I knew I was in trouble after that. When your ghost doesn’t do anything but give you directions, it’s time to let Casper lead you away from your monitor and on to another movie. But, unfortunately, I finished the movie. So I must continue…

If they had played up the ghost angle, they might have saved the movie. But they didn’t. Instead, we spend forty-five minutes getting to know the most boring family around, consisting of Madre, Papi, and tres ninos. Los nombres de los niños son Cristian, Julio y José.  They have a dog named Robin, and poor Robin goes missing. Oh, no! So they go out into the labyrinth to look for the doggy. Wait, there’s a labyrinth? What about the haunted road? I don’t know, but now we’re in a labyrinth and we’re looking for a dog. They follow a trail of blood to find Fido – I mean Robin – at the bottom of a well. A well? What is this “The Ring?”

Still no ghost girl. Still no road. You following along? I wish I hadn’t.

I’m going to ruin the entire movie for you, because you shouldn’t watch it. There is, literally, fifteen minutes of nothing but some guy breathing heavily into the microphone of his camera – did I mention this is one of those “found footage” films – and some screaming in the distance. You see very vague images of trees and bushes. Nothing else. Nothing. Else. Period.

No road. No ghost.

In the last ten minutes, the movie goes into present day. The footage has been found, everybody is dead, and the police are looking into the tapes.

The mother did it. The end.

No damn road. No fucking ghost.

There is no other explanation for the mother killing her family, aside from the fact that she’s crazy. How original.

I give this P.O.S. Zero Non-Existent Ghost Children out of 5.

Don’t even watch it to see if it’s really as bad as I say it is. This film made Troll 2 look like Citizen Cane.

E.

E. At The Movies: Mullets and Monsters!

E. At The Movies #1:

Mullets and Monsters!

Or…Monster Mullets!

I don’t like Urban Fantasy. Can’t stand it. My reasoning is, I can’t relate. Something must be wrong with my suspension of disbelief. I think the damn thing’s broken. So I was shocked as shit when I found myself actually liking this movie.

Here’s the nuts and bolts, courtesy of Imdb.com:

“It tells the tale of Petronella (a Scottish/Romany girl) and Fergal (her mysterious Irish traveller boyfriend). As their doomed relationship plays out, a Beast stalks the estate, killing locals, working its way towards our protagonists. Meanwhile Cathal and Liam, two mysterious travellers from Ireland use ritual and magic on a blood hunt. Mary, Fergal’s mother performs ritual and magic of her own. As Cathal comes face to face with Mary in a vicious finale we know one thing: the Beast must die.”

First off, whoever wrote that pile of rubbish synopsis needs to be shot. This story is about mullets, and which actor sports the best one. I think the lead character, Fergal, played by Niall Bruton, wins best mullet, hands down. Cathal and Liam come in tied at second. Living in the southeast United States has given me a vast appreciation for the haircut that made Billy Ray Cyrus famous. I know my mullets, and these Irish bastards wear them with pride.

Now that I’ve covered hairdos, I’ll cover the monster. In this movie, I couldn’t have cared less about the plot, mainly because the monster was rather cool. I’m a sucker for an original monster. At first, I thought, “Dammit, Sonny Jim, a frackin werewolf movie! Someone get me a silver stake to drive into my eyes!” But then, I was shown a little more… and a wee bit more… and soon enough I came to understand that this was no lycanthrope we were dealing with. This beastie had never been seen before. Nice!

This film was equal parts naughty and nasty. The gore was sufficient. The kills were numerous, but not gratuitous. There’s some sexual content, but the nut-cracker of a fuck scene at the end of the movie takes the cake.

SPOILER ALERT!!! CLOSE YOUR DAMN EYES UNTIL YOU’VE SEEN THE MOVIE!!!

I yelled at the screen, “Damn, girl, your pussy just turned old dude into a monster. You aren’t going to be able to give that stuff away!”

END SCENE SPOILAGE!!! 

All in all, I give this movie 4 Mullet Covered Monsters out of 5.

You can capture this beast on Netflix. I suggest you do that.

E.

Daily Ruminations: Day 13 – Education

Education: What do you guys think; are we failing our children? Are we not properly preparing them for life outside the hallowed halls of their educational facilities? What about the insane cost of Higher Learning? Is college too expensive? Does anything really ever prepare us for “real life?” If you had the option, would you homeschool? Why? Are you worried about your child being bullied? Does your child have certain special needs? Or, maybe you do homeschool – like my wife and I with our kids. Tell me about your reasoning. Mine? I just don’t trust other people where my child is concerned.

Lern mee sumthin gud n da coment sexshun b-low.

E.

Daily Ruminations: Day 12 – Authors

Authors: We had a pretty harsh topic yesterday, so I’m going to lighten the load a little today. Who’s your favorite author? Do you have more than one? I don’t think it’s any surprise to you guys that Stephen King and Richard Laymon are at the top of my list. Let’s not stop there, though. Who can’t you stand? We’re discussing authors, not books; writers, not works. I, for one, cannot stomach Aaron Rayburn (some of you will laugh out loud because you know exactly who I’m talking about). Hell, maybe you hate me. Am I your least favorite author?

Spread your love – or hate – for writers of written things in the comment section below.

E.

 

Daily Ruminations: Day 11 – Gendercide

Gendercide: I read a pretty disturbing article last week that was backed by government “mystery shoppers” and video evidence. These “mystery shoppers” would schedule appointments with a Planned Parenthood facility, show up, pretend to be pregnant, then tell the person behind the desk that they wanted an abortion…but only because their unborn child was female. The “employee” stated that their facility received that request quite often, and no, it wouldn’t be a problem. This abhorred me. I am pro-choice – whatever-the-hell you want to do to your body is your decision, ladies, but “Gendercide” is a completely different topic. This is a hot-seat issue in nations other than ours, as well – little girls aborted for no other reason than they don’t have the parts required by their parents – but I never thought I would see this here in the States. Call me naive, but I guess I had more faith in Americans. Personally, I believe abortion is only an option when it comes down to one of two issues: a) the mother’s life is in danger (as with an ectopic pregnancy) or, b) the baby is a product of sexual abuse (incest, rape, those types of things). I don’t believe a baby should be aborted because the parents are not financially ready, or the baby is a “mistake.” – I feel that’s what adoption is for – But, once again, that is the woman’s choice, not mine.

Now, what do you guys think? We’re not talking about abortion here, we’re talking about “Gendercide.” Specifically, should you have the choice to kill your baby on the sole premise that its gender doesn’t fit into your grand scheme of things?

Drop some knowledge in the comments section below.

E.

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Daily Ruminations: Day 10 – Suicide

Suicide. Is it ever called for? Does being picked on justify taking your own life, or do these individuals need to grow a pair and toughen up? What about euthanasia? If a terminal person wants to forego their coming pain and pass on before the suffering begins, should they have the right to be assisted in taking their life? Are they leaving one kind of Hell, for another?

Slice through the comments section, and leave a little blood.

E.