Sara Niles's Blog: Sara Nile's Blog, page 2

Family and Nation: Dysfunction

How I Know

I have survived the most dysfunctional type of early beginning as a small child, and after a short hiatus spent with elderly relatives, I was once again thrown into even worse dysfunction as a teenager. In short, fifty of my sixty years have been spent as either as a victim of violence and abuse or as a survivor in a lifelong state of reconnaissance.  I am a Domestic Violence War Veteran, and as such, I know far too much about abuse firsthand. I know that once the primary abuser is eliminated from the earthquake of a family dynamic, the after shocks of dysfunction linger  from within the family unit for generations; more often than not. The collateral damage  that began when the family was young, grew as it steadily chipped away at the foundations of the family, by slowly destroying its members. Like water on stone, little by little, the rot of domestic violence took its toll.

I married a very intelligent, troubled, and violent man, whose intelligence enabled him to mask his true self by exuding a sweet and charming presentation to the public, while his evil self lurked in the shadows. I had five children with Thomas Niles before I was forced to flee from him over thirty years ago, when I was still a young woman of 29. I expected that my escape with my five children, had ended the abusive cycle of destruction, suffering and sorrow; however, the children already had damaged sense of selves and the world, eroded senses of trust, or total lack of it, and they carried the mold of domestic dysfunction with them. In addition to the dysfunction of domestic violence, my children were forced to do battle with what I call the Three Headed Monster: Domestic Abuse, Mental Illness and Addiction. Each of the 'Monster' heads took a victim: one by suicide, another by mental illness, and the third became a monster himself, absorbing all the ugliness of evil.  Only two of my five children survived on the positive side of life.

Abuse and Dysfunction as a Nation

The casualties in the United States that are directly related to the  Three Headed Monster, are in the hundreds of thousands each year: according to the CDC over 100,000 deaths a year are attributed to alcohol alone, and over 50,000 from drug overdose, over 40,000 from suicides and close to 2000 domestic violence homicides are reported each year (many are not labeled as such), this does not include the thousands of children abused, neglected, or murdered each year. The prisons are full of domestic violence victims, usually as children, and often as adults in the case of female inmates. The broad reaching power and range of the Three Headed Monster, extends into every public sector, including the White House of the United States of America; Including the film industry, the sports arena, and every place you find people, you will find both former victims and sometimes active perpetrators of abuse. Abuse of power, and misuse of control, leads to a an unstable and unbalanced society at its worst, unstable and unbalanced individuals and families at the least. The result is a loosening of the Three Headed Monster, chaos and dysfunction, suffering, and catastrophe.

The saying about Rome was that it fell in a day, which is not literally true, however, while the process of Rome's fall was ongoing, the conquest of Rome was declared abruptly. Rome abused power, festered corruption and exploitation, and allowed the imbalance of chaos and dysfunction to take over the empire and the government, much like a large dysfunctional and abusive family. There are similarities between the Roman decline and Trump's control of the GOP and the government, as the abuse of power through catering to the groups in power while abusing those without, has lead to an unbalanced state of affairs.  The relationship between domestic violence and abuse in the homes of world leaders when they were themselves children, is obvious in the case of President Donald Trump: his childhood based insecurities still drives his ego, and his need to create his own reality through lies, threats and manipulation, are all vestiges of the Three Headed Monster. The imbalance within Trump, created in his own childhood is the reason for the imbalance in the upper echelon of government. This is a paramount example of how far reaching childhood abuse and/or dysfunction is; and more importantly, how society is directly and indirectly affected by dysfunction.

The recent school shooting by Nikolas Cruz, is another example of how the larger society suffers as a whole when even the mental and emotional health of one member is damaged, and under-treated or ignored. It is evident that the most dangerous part of the school shooting was the easy access to a deadly assault weapon, and mental illness was a secondary factor, and both of these factors are part of a dysfunctional society. When society acts as a dysfunctional unit, important issues are neglected and society's children and their needs are not met. When the most powerful faction of society, the governing faction, misuses power and ignores the rights and needs of the people, society as a whole suffers.

Treat the Three Headed Monster

The Three Headed Monster: Mental Illness, Family Dysfunction (Abuse, Violence & Neglect), and Addiction, will wage war against us, if we don't wage war on it first. In order to restore balance in the United States as a Nation Family, we must recognize the needs of the people. In real life terms, funding cuts  to Mental Health programs, Substance Abuse and Addiction programs, and Family Violence programs that deal with sexual assault and abuse, domestic abuse and violence and family health, all amount to Neglect, and Abuse of Power in the name of Greed. The needs of the people require annual expansion of funding and services (and I don't mean 1% as in the recent VAWA renewal) that aid in the prevention and intervention of domestic violence and abuse, mental health treatment, both prevention and treatment, and all substance abuse and addiction services.

Balance the Top-Balance the Bottom

Before the top level of government can reclaim balance, the bottom tier where the people live, needs attention. The creation of legislation that will demand immediate intervention in the case of the mentally ill in need of treatment, as well as secondary responses when treatment is rejected, will not only make society safer, it will offer hope for saving the hopeless individuals who commit atrocities like the one that was perpetrated at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida on Valentine's Day of 2018. Reclaiming balance means taking back the power that has been loosely given to any person capable of buying and Assault-grade weapon like an AR-15, that enabled Nikolas Cruz to effortlessly kill so many so fast.

America is already Great, but its strength is in its people: stop abuse and dysfunction, from the government down, and America will be stronger.

Sara Niles
Torn From the Inside Out

Author On a Mission

Using narrative, case studies, and psychological summaries, The Face of Dysfunction examines the patterns and behaviors created by dysfunction.

I write to make a difference, therefore my writing is mission oriented and imbued with a deeper purpose because of my traumatic life experiences. I write primarily nonfiction that exemplifies mans inhumanity to man, focusing of the triumphant human spirit within us all.

The Effects of Dysfunction and Domestic Violence are both primary, and secondary in nature, and for many, last a lifetime.
The internal pain caused by childhood abuse, becomes externalized through the triple threats of mental illness, trauma issues, and damaging addictions. I call this triple effect the 'Three Headed Monster'.

Patterns and Dysfunction

I spent thousands of hours examining people's lives under the microscope of counseling and I continue to see repetitions of the same underlying themes in almost every family. Healthy families beget healthy families and sick families beget families with many of the same sick dysfunctions that they experienced as children. Young boys and girls whose family role models were womanizers or man-users usually womanize or abuse and dispose of men, those whose models drank, usually have a substance abuse problem and those who grew up with hurt, pain and abuse usually inflict it upon their families in the same measure, over fifty percent of the time, or they may invariably find a partner who inflicts pain upon them. There are a rare few who escape this repetitive cycle, even though they were raised in it, but they are the exception. Many will marry the negative image of their parent or their opposite in an attempt to recreate what 'love' felt like and looked like to them as a child.
No matter how the child interprets it, when the family model is corrupted then the copy is corrupted. A very wise man that I greatly admired and who was a teacher and trainer once said there was a grandmother who baked a turkey with the edges cut off and both her daughters and granddaughters also baked their turkeys with the edges cut off. When someone asked the granddaughter why she baked her turkey with the edges cut off, she replied because her mother did it that way. When the mother was asked, she replied 'because my mother did it that way' and when the grandmother was asked, she said that she always had a pan that was too small for the turkey so she started trimming the edges so it would fit into the pan.

Dysfunction only needs to operate the first time, the rest will follow. We need to stop dysfunction where it starts in the first family, with the first children. If dysfunction by chance escapes detection, then stop it where you find it.

The collateral damage created by surviving family dysfunction is usually more dysfunction. Many of the dysfunctional patterns and behaviors become a part of a new family dynamic. The enormous amount of guilt suffered by survivors often result in repressed shame and a sense of permanent powerlessness, that lends itself to emotional triggers that release hidden hurt and anger. The unexplained outbursts that well up inside and find release as ‘road rage’ or as a screaming fit, or passive aggressive periods of cold shouldering toward loved ones, create new hurt feelings and a sense of inadequacy in dysfunctional adults.

Many of the stories explore elements of the dysfunctional dynamic through the behavior of abuse victims, and abusers, in the context of the role of the advocates involved in their lives.Filled with stories that are sometimes tragic and occasionally humorous, the Face of Dysfunction is set against the backdrop of daily life at a domestic violence agency in a small town.
Sara Niles

The Face of Dysfunction

By Sara Niles (Pen Name)

Using narrative, case studies, and psychological summaries, The Face of Dysfunction examines the patterns and behaviors created by dysfunction.

I write to make a difference, therefore my writing is mission oriented and imbued with a deeper purpose because of my traumatic life experiences. I write primarily nonfiction that exemplifies mans inhumanity to man, focusing on the triumphant human spirit within us all.

The Effects of Dysfunction and Domestic Violence are both primary, and secondary in nature, and for many, last a lifetime.
The internal pain caused by childhood abuse, becomes externalized through the triple threats of mental illness, trauma issues, and damaging addictions. I call this triple effect the 'Three Headed Monster'.

Patterns and Dysfunction

I spent thousands of hours examining people's lives under the microscope of counseling and I continue to see repetitions of the same underlying themes in almost every family. Healthy families beget healthy families and sick families beget families with many of the same sick dysfunctions that they experienced as children. Young boys and girls whose family role models were womanizers or man-users usually womanize or abuse and dispose of men, those whose models drank, usually have a substance abuse problem and those who grew up with hurt, pain and abuse usually inflict it upon their families in the same measure, over fifty percent of the time, or they may invariably find a partner who inflicts pain upon them. There are a rare few who escape this repetitive cycle, even though they were raised in it, but they are the exception. Many will marry the negative image of their parent or their opposite in an attempt to recreate what 'love' felt like and looked like to them as a child.
No matter how the child interprets it, when the family model is corrupted then the copy is corrupted. A very wise man that I greatly admired and who was a teacher and trainer once said there was a grandmother who baked a turkey with the edges cut off and both her daughters and granddaughters also baked their turkeys with the edges cut off. When someone asked the granddaughter why she baked her turkey with the edges cut off, she replied because her mother did it that way. When the mother was asked, she replied 'because my mother did it that way' and when the grandmother was asked, she said that she always had a pan that was too small for the turkey so she started trimming the edges so it would fit into the pan.

Dysfunction only needs to operate the first time, the rest will follow. We need to stop dysfunction where it starts in the first family, with the first children. If dysfunction by chance escapes detection, then stop it where you find it.

The collateral damage created by surviving family dysfunction is usually more dysfunction. Many of the dysfunctional patterns and behaviors become a part of a new family dynamic. The enormous amount of guilt suffered by survivors often result in repressed shame and a sense of permanent powerlessness, that lends itself to emotional triggers that release hidden hurt and anger. The unexplained outbursts that well up inside and find release as ‘road rage’ or as a screaming fit, or passive aggressive periods of cold shouldering toward loved ones, create new hurt feelings and a sense of inadequacy in dysfunctional adults.

Many of the stories explore elements of the dysfunctional dynamic through the behavior of abuse victims, and abusers, in the context of the role of the advocates involved in their lives.Filled with stories that are sometimes tragic and occasionally humorous, the Face of Dysfunction is set against the backdrop of daily life at a domestic violence agency in a small town.

Mom and Me by Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou, was born in 1928, in St. Louis Missouri, and raised in Stamps Arkansas by her grandmother, after her parents dissolved their relationship. The name, Maya Angelou, was a consolidation of her childhood nickname and a shortened form of her married name. Maya Angelou not only scripted her name, she scripted a successful life as a multi-talented, dancer, performer, director and world famous author.

During the course of Maya Angelou’s self-made life, she became a civil rights activist and close friend of Martin Luther King, and James Baldwin, all during the early 1960’s; later becoming a friend-mentor to one of the greatest personages of our century, Oprah Winfrey.

The autobiographical memoir, I Know Why the Caged Bird sings, was the first of many memoirs. Mom and Me was the last. The story of the relationship forged between the two powerhouse women, Maya Angelou and her mother Vivian Baxter, covers several decades, from the racially segregated and tumultuous years in The South, to the California years spent with her mother as a young teenager.

The power of Maya Angelou’s mother’s influence upon her life journey was not completely realized by the author until after her mother’s death. As is the case with most of us, it is only after the years of life experience that our personal introspection can match our external analysis of the world we inhabit; therefore, Mom and Me was written as the last autobiographical book of the great author.

It is through the pages of Mom and Me that we discover the subtleties of life created by the strain between the dominant white culture and black subculture that fueled the strong determination to not only merely survive , but thrive, by Vivian Baxter. In a short excerpt of Mom and Me, Maya Angelou’s mother encouraged her to persevere when faced with rejection based on race, and when Maya succeeded in becoming the first female and first black person to secure the job, Maya’s mother asked her what she had learned by her unrelenting determination:

Angelou gave the simple answer which was that she learned she was not afraid to work, and that was “about all”, at which her mother corrected her by pointing out the deeper lesson.

“No, you learned that you have power”.

The awareness of personal power was perhaps one of the greatest gifts bestowed upon Angelou by her mother. The acutely attuned sense of self-perception, and the strong inner drive that was forged by Angelou’s mother and grandmother, was transferred to Angelou during her formative years. The strength, resilience, fearlessness, and courage of Maya Angelou became the trademark character traits that defined her as a public figure, and served her for a lifetime. It was Angelou’s mother, Vivian who moved her to think ‘large thoughts’ and to dream big. Without Vivian, there would not have been a Maya.

In order to fully appreciate the journey of Maya Angelou, you must read Mom and Me, because it is more than the last memoir of Maya Angelou, it is a window into the development of a cultural phenomenon. The ultimate lesson is the positive force of parent upon child is never to be underestimated.

Roots, A Message from the Past

The book Roots: The Saga of an American Family
By Alex Haley
Was written as a result of the author's quest to trace his personal ancestry, a quest that led him deep into American history, and resulted in a larger truth, one that embodied America as a whole.

The book became a televised sensation, leaving in its aftermath, 37 Emmy nominations, resulting in nine wins, as well a a Golden Globe award.

I remember when Roots first aired in 1977, and I was so greatly affected by its cultural and emotional power that I wrote about it in my own memoir, Torn From the Inside Out

An excerpt follows:

"We, as a country, were like an old faithful hunting dog who had just fought off a bear for his family and came home to lick his wounds. The timing was right for what happened next.

The social unrest that existed while the Vietnam war was ongoing, had become less intense since the war’s end, allowing the country to reach a state of calmness that enabled it to come together to watch the premier of the television version of Alex Haley’s Pulitzer winning novel: Roots. Eighty million people watched Roots, making it the most watched movie in the history of Television; in fact, the massive audience surpassed even that of the fabled movie: Gone With The Wind.

I will never forget the impact the televised series of movies had on me, for it was more than entertainment, it was a slap in the face at the appropriate time, and provided a timely awakening for a country slumbering in racial apathy. This was not the first time an author had provided that much needed slap in the face. Harriet Beecher Stowe shook a country with her simple novel: Uncle Tom’s Cabin, because it was the right thing at the right time, and I believe Root’s was the right thing at the right time too. "

Torn From the Inside Out, Sara Niles

The new remake of Roots, the movie, is proving to be a masterwork of similar magnitude as the first. The first showing is airing on the History channel and Lifetime, along with a few others, this week.

It is not to be missed, for it is more than a movie, it is the story of our American past.

Torn From the Inside Out

Goodreads Giveaway

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Torn From the Inside Out


by Sara Niles

Giveaway ends March 19, 2017.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

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Torn From The Inside Out
From the Prologue:

This book is for me and my children, as well as the millions of veterans of domestic war: those who live in homes predominated by domestic violence. Some survive the violence, stronger in some ways, and broken in others, and some do not survive at all.

In memory of the dead victims of domestic violence, I have retold stories of those who became casualties. The stories below are all true; I retold them from the perspective of my own visualizations in an effort to give some validation to lives wasted, and mostly forgotten. Some things are too precious to forget, such as the lessons of history, and the deeds of unsung heroes, for if we stumble into the habit of forgetting, we lose both the value of life and the opportunity to become a wiser and stronger generation. If we forget, we lessen our children’s heritage and cheat them of the legacy of their pasts, therefore we can never forget.

I lived a life that was far from ordinary, and even far from normal. I was given away when I was barely over three years old to two aged, octogenarian relatives who had been childless until their early eighties, when they received me, much like a human gift. I was cherished and protected by them, that is, as long as they could offer such protection I lived in 'The Garden of Eden'.

Time passed and I found myself far removed from such valued protection when I was on the brink of losing my life to a violent abuser, one I had married and pledged to spend a lifetime with. My life would take me far from my life's oasis, my childhood Garden of Eden.

Chapter 1

The Garden of Eden

Thunder rattled the window- panes two stories high and lightning split the sky; it was as if the whole world was in turmoil that night. My nerves were keyed up as tight as piano strings, and in a sudden moment of stillness and silence it felt as though my heartbeat was amplified ten times over. He was over a hundred pounds greater than I, nearly a foot taller, and I knew he could move his muscled body into unbelievable sprints. Rain started falling in torrents, while the storm raged outside. I was not afraid of the storms of nature; it was the storm inside this night that I knew I might not survive.

Anticipation was so great that I wanted to scream at him to get it over with, and true to my expectation he lunged for me, and my body did not disappoint me, I flew down the stairs two at a time in my bare-feet. He stalled for mere seconds to enjoy his pronouncement of a death sentence upon me:
“I AM GOING TO KILL YOU—YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING BITCH—STONE DEAD!”He screamed like a crazed animal.

The date was February 13, of the year 1987, the night that I disappeared into a February rainstorm with five children and no place to go. I was twenty-nine years old.

New Paperback edition
https://www.createspace.com/4699280

ebook on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Torn-Inside-Ou...
Torn From The Inside Out

Paulo Coelho: Never Give Up Your Dream

Paulo Coelho is an internationally famed author, mainly because of his 1987 book, The Alchemist, which has sold over 150 million copies and had a 315 week run on the New York Times best seller list. That is over six continuous years as a best seller.

The Alchemist tells a tale that became almost autobiographical for Coelho: that of a young shepherd boy on a quest for what would become the most valued thing in his life. In Coelho’s case, his personal quest was to become a writer. From the time Coelho was a young boy in his native land of Brazil; his dream was to become a writer, even though it was scoffed at by others. Writing was his dream. In The Alchemist, Coelho wrote “When you want something, the whole universe conspires to help you”, and those words inspired him to not give up when the first publication of The Alchemist flopped.

If Coelho had listened to the first publisher who decided the book was not worthwhile after the first printing sold less than a dozen copies, or if he had listened to his mother who questioned the logic of becoming a writer, there would not have been The Internationally renowned Paulo Coelho, nor The Alchemist, which has won over one hundred awards. There would have been no time spent on the New York Times best seller list, and I would not be writing about Paulo Coelho.

The lesson learned is to never give up on your dream, even if you are your only fan.

Writing With Purpose

Sara Niles is an author and blogger using the written word to provide a broader view of human nature in all of its complexities, from the tragic to the transcendent, from the worst of human behavior, to the heroic exploits performed under the worst of circumstances by the noblest among us.
Despite the pain and suffering that exists in the world, humanity holds within it the light of hope, and possesses the power of the human spirit ‘under fire’.

Sara Niles writes to illuminate the beauty within humanity and the physical beauty all around us. It is a wonderful world as the Great Louis Armstrong sang in the song by the same name.

Sara Niles is the author of Torn From the Inside Out a memoir detailing a life of severe abuse and violence.

My writing is mission oriented and imbued with a deeper purpose because of my traumatic life experiences: I write nonfiction in order to make an appreciable dent in the effect of domestic violence and dysfunction upon children, families and individuals

Goodreads Choice Nominee

‘Something Other Than God’ is the memoir written by Jennifer Fulwiler and released by San Francisco publisher, St. Ignatius Press, was nominated for the Goodreads Choice awards : https://www.newportbeachindy.com/cove...

Fulwiler was raised in a ‘happy atheist home’ but found something was missing from her life, which resulted in a spiritual journey that is revealed in her memoir. Fulwiler is a former programmer who now blogs and writes: http://www.conversiondiary.com/

Something Other Than God by Jennifer Fulwiler on Amazon: www.amazon.com/Something-Other-Than-J...

This memoir is short and filled with good writing, humor and spiritual insight for a nice change of pace and a delightful perspective on the big picture.

Out of the Maelstrom by Sara Niles

Narrative Memoir: Trauma Tragedy and Triumph 260 pages 71,152 words



Out of the Maelstrom is a stand-alone narrative memoir that can be read as part of The Torn From the Inside Out trilogy, or separately. Out of the Maelstrom is narrated by Sara Niles as a collection of short stories , philosophical insights and world views that create a global view of human suffering and provide an inspirational mirror that reflects the “power of the human spirit under fire”



Sara Niles survived extreme abuse and fled with her five children in 1987; over a decade later, Sara became a counselor and trainer for a domestic violence agency in a small town. It was during the ten years Sara was employed as a domestic violence professional that she was exposed to the worst of the worst , and the best of the best , those who were defeated and hardened by life and those who were empowered by trauma and tragedy and who not only survived, by triumphed.



Excerpts and Quotes
"When the storms of life are worse than the storms of nature, those who survive rise out of the maelstrom"



“The pages of my books are the parchment upon which I wrote using the 'ink' of my life: the blood, sweat and tears that represent the long struggle of the 'journey', the life trip that began long ago with the hungry little girl who 'sat in the sand' waiting to be saved by ‘an ancient old man’. The story of child abuse, salvation, domestic violence and escape as told in Torn From the Inside Out, continued with the endearing and heart wrenching story of the children of Torn From the Inside Out in The Journey, as they struggled with the issues of their own survival and redemption.



Out of the Maelstrom Out of the Maelstrom contains stories about real people: stories of trauma and triumph, and extremes of what life has to offer, from the kindness that defines the best of human nature to the cruelty that defines the worst. Many of the stories contain paradoxical dilemmas of social significance that have arisen out of our culture and stand as a testament to the broken parts of society that affect the marginalized and the forgotten members, the ones most in need of help. The scope of Out of the Maelstrom broadly sweeps in the worldview as part of the context of everyday human life, since no man exists on an island.



Excerpts from Chapter One



"He was dead, alright. The sight of death is an ugly and fearsome thing, I thought, as I absorbed the tragic sight in front of me. It was a man, 'The man', who was lying in the road with blackish--red blood pooled around his head, and as he lay face down with his feet in his own yard, while his head and shoulders were planted in the street, he gave the appearance of a killed animal felled in its tracks by a hunter."



"I applied to work for this agency because I felt that I belonged there, because it was where my heart was. I wanted to help people who had hurt like I hurt and felt trapped like I had. I wanted to empower those who felt they were powerless and give courage to the broken hearted. My comrades in this mission were all there with me, we all wanted the same things for similar reasons and we would share a rich and grand experience working together, an adventure that needed telling, a soulful potion that needs sharing in the journey of this new life" "She said her name was Evelyn, the name sounded soft and genteel, but the lady was not"



"Oh...You will just have to come see for yourself-I'd get over here if I were you -and hurry!" she said with a little nervous laugh" (Sandy the Shelter Manager)



Table of Contents (samples)
Chapter 1.....Homicide in the Street...11 Chapter 2.....A Place of Safety in a Time of Danger...Chapter 3.....A Special Brand of People ....Norman Rockwell & The Lady From Harvard... Chapter ....Wolves-Within ...........Chapter 28.....A Visit: Back to My Past... Chapter 29.....