Robin O'Bryant's Blog, page 3

It’s Awards Season! For Parents!!

 

It’s time to walk the red carpet! If you’re a parent this means following a trail of red juice on your new carpet to find your child annointing their stuffed animals. And you didn’t try to give them away! Congrats! You’d better check this list because you may have been nominated for an award!

Best lead bather goes to the parent who sniffs his/her child’s hair and/or armpits after a bath to ensure actual soap was used.

Best supporting bather goes to the parent who gets his/her child wet at least three times per week by either putting his/her child in the bathtub (in clean water) to play or goes swimming.

Best leading carpooler goes to the parent who pulls into the car line on two wheels and isn’t ashamed when fast food wrappers swirl out of his/her car like Fall foliage into the teacher’s face.

Best supporting carpooler goes to the parent shows up before the teachers leave.

Best folder checker goes to the parent who actually reads forms sent home by teachers without being reminded by his/her child.

Best supporting folder checker goes to the parent who at least empties his/her child’s folder into the trash to keep up appearances, making sure to shove all 1.2 million art projects and coloring sheets to the bottom of the garbage can to spare his/her child’s feelings.

Best lead lunch maker goes to the parent who continues to make lunches after Thanksgiving break.

Best supporting lunch maker goes to the parent who remembers to remove corn chips from his/her child’s lunch bag before the ants find them and/or keeps his/her child’s lunch account out of debt.

Best gymnastics parent goes to the parent who remembers a gym suit for class.

Best supporting gymnastics parent goes to the parent who at least digs an old swimsuit out of a leftover beach bag, and convinces his/her child that it’s totally acceptable for his/her underpants to hang out the sides.

Best parent goes to YOU. Because one way or another, you get it all done. Good job!

Today my fellow humorists Kelcey at Mama Bird Diaries and Ann at Ann’s Rants  are sharing parenting awards along with me, as part of a sponsored post for Luvs diapers. The three of us will also host a Twitter party next Monday night, Feb 23rd, 8pm CST/9 pm EST where we are giving away up to $500 in gift cards and diapers. 500 dollars PLUS diapers?? Thanks Luvs! So put it on your calendar and you can tell us what parenting award you deserve!

 

Tell Me What to Write for Wells Fargo #sponsored

In case you’ve missed it, I’ve been blogging on Wells Fargo’s blog. So far I’ve covered having a panic attack underneath my accountants desk,  how I would rather become a survivalist and live off of roots and berries than talk about retirement planning and how I went from being an ER nurse to a full-time career in writing.

I’ve got  two more posts for Wells Fargo and they wanted me to ask you:

What should I write about next?

This is a sponsored post. I am receiving financial compensation from Wells Fargo in exchange for my blog posts. Because I’m a writer. And this is what we do. We get paid to write. 

How To Make Your Kids Do Stuff (without losing your mind.)

A few weeks ago I was in my psychiatrist’s office talking about my need for order and routine in my life.

Her: Is it chaotic in your house?

Me: Uh… we’ve discussed my kids, right? So, yes.

Her: Is there visual chaos?

Me: I mean, sometimes you have to kick your way through the clean clothes in the girls’ room to get to the bathroom and occasionally I wash the dinner dishes from last night while I’m cooking dinner so we can use them again.

Her: Do the kids have chores?

Me: Yes.

Her: Do they do them?

Me: While wailing and gnashing their teeth, which really just makes you want to drink wine directly from the bottle, while hiding in your minivan. Allegedly.

She gave me a couple of sheets of paper containing a system devised by a previous client. A miraculous, glorious system to make my kids do stuff WITHOUT acting like (really big) idiots.

It’s simple. I bought a roll of raffle tickets at an office supply store and wrote the girls names on three different Mason jars.

Do good stuff. Earn tickets.

Act a fool. Lose tickets.

THEN, just like Chuck E Cheese, you get to cash those mugs in.  I have, so very kindly,  included a printable PDF of the Ticket System we use and I left blanks on the bottom for you to fill in or add rewards.

We’ve had our ups and downs with the Ticket System but overall, it’s still working. I think it helps that my kids are so close in age so they are competitive with each other AND keep each other highly accountable.

This has also provided a way for me to reward my hardest worker (Em) without necessarily punishing the other two for not working as hard. Normally if I give them a job, like picking up stuff in the yard– you’d find Emma focused with a trash bag on her arm, scuttling around the yard. Aubrey would be sloooooooooooowly taking teeny little baby steps from one inch of grass to another, bending over in slow motion, then looking puzzled and confused about what to do with the sock in her hand. Sadie will run out there like she’s gonna do stuff only to play dumb. It’s her greatest defense.

Me: Sadie, pick up trash.

Her: I don’t know how!

Me: Sadie, brush your teeth.

Her: I don’t know how!

AD NAUSEUM.

NOW, I give them a job and if Emma is the only one working, she gets their tickets, too. And when Emma gets cranked up and wants to earn extra tickets by vacuuming a room, Sadie and Aubrey start to get nervous because they know she’s getting ahead of them.

In addition, it’s a real adrenaline rush to say, “You are about to lose 10 tickets,” and see an instant attitude change.

Long live the woman who invented this system and gave it to my shrink.

I’m writing a series of blog posts for Wells Fargo about finances which is hilarious– because I hate, hate, HATE, talking about and dealing with money. So you should (pretty please) hop on over to my post about the time I had a panic attack under my accountants desk. Really. 

Peeking Out of the Closet

I’ve spent the last nine months fighting a dark and intense battle with depression. When I just counted back to when things started to get bad, it took my breath away.

Nine months.

Nine months of darkness and mental torment. Nine months of feeling helpless and hopeless. Nine long months after a lifetime of smaller skirmishes with mental illness.

After my book tour ended in April, I sent my manuscript to my editor, and promptly fell apart. There are so many words, so much pain, and such a depth of despair I could tell you about during that two month period. But it’s not time for that, yet.

I quit blogging and writing my newspaper columns because I was incapable of doing anything productive– like getting dressed, taking care of my kids, or cooking meals.

There have been times in the past few years when I’ve felt down and had to fake the funny to keep writing. That wasn’t even an option. I was being smothered by a concrete blanket which settled heavier on my chest the more I tried to fight it.

In May, I gave up and gave in. My disease had become life threatening, disabling and I begged my doctor for help. I “summered,” if you will, at an outpatient treatment center in Jackson, MS to get the help I needed.

I spent 12 weeks in intensive outpatient care. This means I had to stay in a hotel, take my own meds and eat my own food– which was a huge disappointment to me. I had fantasies of three meals a day I didn’t have to cook, taking pills that somebody else counted out and possibly cutting my hair like Winona Ryder’s to look more waifish.)

I’m telling you all of this because I can’t find a way back to writing without being honest. I know writing is my gift and my life’s breath. It’s what fills me up, what connects me to other people and more often than not– it’s how I begin to heal.

But I’m terrified. As much as I’d like to say, “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me,” I do care. As much as I’d like to pretend there isn’t a stigma attached to being mentally ill– there is. I worry about small town gossip in front of my kid’s school mates, I worry about people telling them their mother is crazy. I worry about becoming so associated with mental illness that it becomes my identity. I worry that instead of being Robin– a compilation of strengths and weaknesses, humor and pain– instead of being human, I’ll become something less than.

So why the hell am I telling you this?

Because I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. It’s impossible for me to go back to being funny without acknowledging where I’ve been… where I am.

We all know that life is brutal. But that’s what makes the beautiful things absolutely breathtaking. Sharing the laughter without the pain makes the exquisite joy of life and laughter less meaningful.

I’m so much better than I was a few months ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago and I am hopeful that my recovery will continue. But I’m taking it slow and struggling everyday to show myself grace– to take care of myself by doing simple things: drinking water, going to bed early, reading lots of real paper books and lying on the bed with whichever of my girls will be still and talk to me.

I needed to tell you where I’ve been, and that I’m okay. And if you’re there, hurting and hopeless– it gets better. I know you don’t think it ever will. I know you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. From where you are, it’s too dark and you doubt if a way out even exists.

But I promise it’s there… I’ve seen it myself and I’m reaching backwards, offering you my hand in the dark and urging you to take one tiny step forward.

If you need help call 1-800-273=8255 and Google “low fee therapy” for affordable therapy in your area.

*I am working on a mental health awareness project, if you are interested in being involved please email me at robinschicks (at) gmail.com, with a photo, your name, age, short description of who you are/what you do and your diagnosis. And I’ll send you more information. 

 

Don’t Be One of “THEM”

Aubrey, as you may remember from when I was a writer several months ago, has always had very particular opinions on what she likes and doesn’t like to do.

Reading: Heck, yes.

Art of any kind: HAIL, yes.

Playing outside: Yes.

Playing a team sport: Naw.

Cheerleading: Well…

When Aubrey was six years old, we were at the beach and there was a cheerleading camp going on at the same resort. (I was as happy about this as you can imagine.) But I thought having three little girls, they might enjoy watching the cheerleaders practice their routines.

Me: Hey Aubrey? Y’all want to go watch the cheerleaders?

Her, without looking up from the picture she was drawing: Cheerleaders are stupid.

To be fair, as she’s grown she has realized cheerleaders are not stupid but her feelings about cheerLEADING have remained firm.

Aubrey took gymnastics last year and was reluctant to go back this year. We were discussing the pros and cons of going back to gym when Emma said, “I’m taking gymnastics AND ballet!”

Aubrey gasped and said, “OH NO! YOU’RE BECOMING ONE OF THEM!”

Then I laughed until I cried and I needed that.

 

 

How To Get Your Children To Listen To You In Public

Today I’m giving you a special treat. It is a post written by my friend Rebecca Gallagher. She’s a hoot and a half and is THE go-to gal when it comes to anything related to cosmetics. Besides being an author and blogger, she also drives a minivan- a woman after my own heart. As you read How To Get Your Kids To Listen To You In Public you’ll come to understand why she and I are such kindred spirits.

My friends. This is easy. If no one has taught you the value of how to humiliate your children in public, then you’re doing it wrong. **

You see, I have a very high tolerance for my own humiliation. I’m pretty much fair game. Have you seen my Spanx post? Right.

Once upon a time, my children and I were at the mall.

We went to the Lego store to look around.

We spent a lot of time looking, putting together some pieces, sitting on those tiny stools they put at those tables, checking out the million dollar Millennium Falcon. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Legos are cool and Star Wars Legos are even cooler, but I was thirsty. And hungry.

Honestly being hungry and thirsty in a Lego store isn’t fun. There’s not even any lip gloss or shoes to distract me. So when it’s lunch time and mom is ready to go, it’s go time.

The children did that thing where when I say, “Okay kids, let’s go get lunch!” and I’m super positive and all happy parent on them, they are like, “Just a sec mom.”

Uh huh. I know ‘Just a sec’. It’s the classic stall. My husband does the ‘Just a sec’ when I tell him to take out the garbage. And now the children have mastered the ‘Just a sec’ as well.

Tick tock. Seconds are going by and my stomach is rumbling.

“Okay my little kidlets, this mama hen is hungry and it’s time to feed the chicks. Let’s go.”

“Wait mom, this is so cool, did you see this?”

“Yes, I did honey. Diagon Alley is awesome when it’s made from 15,000 pieces. But there’s a burrito in the food court calling my name. Let’s GO.”

“Sure mom…”

And then it’s like they turned into turtles. The Slowskies are now my son and daughter. Seriously? Like how cool can bricks of plastic be?!

“Hey kids, if you don’t come when I count to 5, I won’t let you have ice cream later.”

Them- “….”

“Hey kids, if you don’t come in the next two seconds I’m just going to start dancing right here in the mall.”

“MO’OM, Right. You’re just kidding. Just a sec.”

You did not ‘Just a sec’ me a second time.

“Okay here goes. OOOh, I love this song. Reminds me of high school. How do you do the Running Man again?”

I proceed to do some version of the Running Man. I’m outside the Lego store and the kids can see me through the glass wall.

“Hey kids, I’ll stop as soon as you join me.”

Kids come running.

“Mom that was SO EMBARRASSING!! How could you do that? Oh my gosh, like people were watching!”

“And from now on, you come when I call and I won’t break out the Cabbage Patch. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Seriously. It’s worked ever since. Which is good, because my Cabbage Patch is worse than my Running Man.

 

**No children were harmed in the sharing of this blog

 

Read more confessions from this middle-aged drama queen on Frugalista Blog and while you’re there check out other handy dandy tips like Rebecca’s Summer Drugstore Makeup Favorites. She’s good for all kinds of things.

Belle and L Boutique aka The Store With the Pants You Want

As last month’s Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop was coming to a close I said goodbye to my dear friend, Lori Wescott. We hugged it out and, as usual, tried to come up with times to reunite in the near future.

“Oh, I have something for you,” she said.

It was a pair of linen pants.  I could already see they were a gorgeous shade of coral and that they were super soft.

“Wait ‘til you try them on.”

Indeed.

I texted Lori first thing the next morning. Tell me again the name of this boutique because I want these pants in EVERY color! Cute, comfy AND flattering? I’m in love.

So Lori formally introduced me to the Belle and L Boutique. After reading through the “About Us” information I knew that I wanted to do business with the owners and it wasn’t just because I loved almost everything their online store carried. They were two sisters from Alabama who had started this faith-based clothing store. Their mission was simple. They wanted to provide cute and trendy clothes to women just like them- busy Moms who spend half their day carpooling, the other half at the ball field and who rarely have time, or money left over for their own wants and needs. So these sisters, Stacie and Stephanie created Belle and L Boutique- a place that leaves you feeling happy with your new clothes and happy with how little you spent.

I ended up getting the linen pants in white (below), taupe, and black. Belle & L Boutique also carries the Dang Chicks clothing line. If you haven’t seen these shirts then head over there and have a look. They’re a lot of fun. I bought the Dang Hot Mess T-shirt for a friend, of course.

I’m also excited to announce that they’ve just gotten a shipment of the linen pants in navy! NAVY, y’all!!

You can get updates from their Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram profiles to stay current with their latest inventory. FYI, they’ve been known to run sales on one social media platform ONLY. So play it safe and follow all of them.

Luke and Sadie: A Relationship Rollercoaster

Y’all I have a guest blogger today. It is my long-time friend, Lori Wescott of Loripalooza- Where Funny Rocks. She and her son, Luke came to visit us last week and below she details just a few of the week’s hilarious highlights.

Luke and Sadie: A Relationship Rollercoaster

Luke and I took a trip to Greenwood, MS last week to visit Robin O’Bryant and her three girls. As usual, my little Casanova fell hard and fast. His newest love interest was Robin’s youngest, Lady Sadie.

With the big girls at school and Robin needing to run errands, I offered to take Luke and Sadie to lunch. It was our second day in Greenwood and I decided on Steven’s Barbeque- an excellent choice. Luke and Sadie had already chosen a table and when I sat down with our food Luke introduced me to the man at the the next table. “Mom, this is a man we’ve been talking to. We told him that we are cousins and that this is our first REAL date.”

Help me, Jesus.

Later that afternoon with Sadie in her tiara and Luke in his Batman mask, they wed. However, it wouldn’t be long before their marriage had its first hiccup.

Not long after the wedding ceremony they were playing Minecraft in the girl’s room and Luke had a cow. I don’t mean he pitched a fit. I mean while playing the game of Minecraft he had acquired the singular form of “cattle.” This was a problem because Sadie is afraid of cows. She stormed out of the room with tears in her eyes as Luke shouted, “Fine, Sadie! Fine. I’ll get rid of the cow!! What do you want, Sadie? Do you want a pig? Can we AT LEAST HAVE A PIG?!”

Things cooled off after they agreed on obtaining a pig for the most pointless game ever created. Side note- if you know the plot, or point of Minecraft, please get in touch with me.

At dinner that night Sadie spilled Luke’s pink lemonade. She tried to make it up to him by tying his shoes. While he was impressed, the lemonade was something he just couldn’t get past. You can see him here breaking things off.

In a show of poor taste, he tried to immediately get a rebound girl in Sadie’s older sister, Emma.

“You’re my girlfriend, now!” he told Emma.

Emma was not excited and informed him that she already had a boyfriend. This did not deter Luke from laying on the charm. He began pulling up his shirt. “Have you seen my five-year-old belly?”

Robin interjected. “You know it isn’t really nice to date the sister of someone you just broke up with.”

Luke shrugged his shoulders and pointed back and forth between Emma and Sadie. “Eenie. Meenie. Miney. LOVE.”

Similar laughter and antics continued throughout the week, but none as funny as what I witnessed on our last night at the O’Bryant’s. Luke asked Robin’s eldest daughter to connect their iPads so they could all play Minecraft together. She was wearing her bathrobe after having just showered and told him that she would do it as soon as she got dressed. The second she walked out of the room, Sadie stuck her little finger in Luke’s face. There was fire in her eyes and she spoke through gritted teeth.

“If you EVER saw my sister nekkid I would be SO MAD at you!”

For the first time all week, Luke was speechless and I wasn’t about to complain.

About Lori Wescott:

She’s a thirty-something freelance writer, author, and humorist living in Nashville with her husband (Brantley- a pharmacist who can’t count by fives) and her five-year-old son (Luke- a ginger hip-hop enthusiast). She almost broke the internet when she created the hysterical series, Awkward Smoking Pictures. No, she doesn’t really smoke and yes, it’s worth checking out. Trust me when I say you DO want to read more about her awkward life on Loripalooza- Where Funny Rocks!

My Foodie Kid’s Day with John Currence

If you receive my blog posts via email, you’ll have to go to www.robinschicks.com in order to view the video links properly. (AHEM– Dad.)

If you’re wondering how Emma, my 7 year old, ended up spending the day with a James Beard Award Winning chef– here’s the backstory. Honestly, I thought it was really nice of him to respond to the column I wrote and to send a tweet to Emma. I thought it was going WAY beyond nice when he invited her to come back to City Grocery to cook with him.

But there are no words for the level of awesome I got to watch Emma experience yesterday. I tried to capture as many photos and videos as I could, because I wanted y’all to see it and experience it first hand. My words could never describe the sheer joy on Emma’s face yesterday.

I wanted to edit all of me out of these videos but it sort of took away from one of the many things that makes John an awesome person. When I was getting all, “CHOP, CHOP, Emma! He’s a busy man– ask your next question,” and trying to hurry her along, John never once lost interest in a single word that came out of Emma’s mouth. And there were SO. many. words.

The night before…

She picked out the perfect outfit.

 

And went over her list of interview questions.

She was rip-roarin’ and ready to go.

You KNOW Alex Guarnaschelli?!?

We met at John’s main office where they handle catering for special events and also process almost all of the meat for all five of his restaurants. We walked into the walk-in fridge and John pointed to more bacon than I’ve ever seen at one time in my life. He asked Emma if she knew what it was.

Em: Beef?

John: No, it’s pork, can you guess…

Em: BACON!

John: Yep, that’s right. Do you know what part of the pig bacon comes from?

Em: The belly.

No idea how she knows this stuff.

The main office is also where the pastry chef makes desserts for all five restaurants. Emma was basically the happiest she’s ever been– she was surrounded by chocolate and bacon and people kept handing her foods to try: pickled okra, homemade Polish sausage, handmade caramels– you’d be happy too.

We loaded up in my Patty Peck Honda Odyssey. My mom was going to sit in the back to let John sit in the front but Emma said, “Can he please sit back here with me?”

John didn’t even pause. He hopped in the backseat and I tried not to laugh out loud when I closed the automatic door for him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him reach for his seatbelt. Emma who is used to buckling her little sister in, reached over and grabbed the buckle and snapped it in place for him.

“Thanks,” he said matter of factly. And a few stray tears squeaked out of my eyes– it was too precious and too hilarious.

 

Some highlights of the day…

We went to all FIVE of John’s restaurants: City Grocery, Big Bad Breakfast (one is opening on 280 in Bham very soon!) Snackbar, Boure, and Lamar Lounge and every single person who was working stopped what they were doing and gave Emma their complete attention. Not in a patronizing, “let’s get this over with” kind of way. They were precious and willing to talk and listen as long as she was there. We’d walk in a kitchen, John would say, “This is Emma,” and everybody in the room would speak to her.

We ended the day at City Grocery with a cooking lesson and lunch.

 

Then John got a phone call…

 

While Emma was on the phone with Alex Guarnaschelli, John saw an opportunity and stole a bite of Emma’s chocolate chess pie.

If you weren’t you, I’d fight you for that bite of pie.

Gift Baskets of Awesome Giveaway

I’m getting fired up about the re-release of Ketchup is a Vegetable & Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves and I need your help spreading the word! So I set up a Rafflecopter Giveaway, it’s pretty self explanatory but the more options you use, the more chances you have to win one of THREE Gift Baskets of Awesome.

I’ll post a picture as soon as I gather everything up but TRUST that it will be awesome. There’ll be some of my favorite beauty products, homemade strawberry fig with lemon jam– made with my own two hands– one of my favorite books from another author, Sephora gift cards and WHO KNOWS what else, because I am downright GIDDY about life in general right now.

Shipping only in continental US

a Rafflecopter giveaway