Dee Remy's Blog, page 2

The End Of My Forty Second Year

So begins my forty third year on this earth. Very dramatic way of saying I turn 42 at the end of this month. Most people like to forget they are actually a year older then they claim. I embrace it and as much as I hate aging, I love growing older. In life experience alone I can honestly say I have lived. Can you? In the forty two years I have lived, I have been a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, and a mother. I am still four of those things. I never quite made it as a wife. Maybe I was too young, in fact I know I was too young but I do know I make a great ex wife; ask my ex husband, we are still friends. Well, maybe I did something right.
Maturing as a person is wonderful for obtaining the knowledge of the perfect relationship but actually finding one is torturous. When it comes to relationships I've had many part time relationships and very few full time ones. All by choice, I harbor no regrets in my life. Of course, I have hopes that my perfect man; the one I will grow old with, is very close by. He's out there; he just doesn't know it yet.
Being a good daughter as an adult is alot easier than being a good daughter as a child.  Growing up I definitely wasn't the best kid and for that reason my daughter gets a lot of slack. I forgive easily and ask little of her. All she needs to do is grow up and be honest with me. I never forgot what it was like to be a kid or a teenager. I guess life always comes full circle.
I know all women say being a mother is a blessing and it's the greatest gift. It is but it is also mentally exhausting and beyond frustrating. Especially when your see your child making the same mistakes you did or even worse. As a parent you need to know when to parent, I always come in as a friend first, depending on the level of seriousness; mother and prosecuter come later. It has been working for me so far and I think I am doing a good job. How many mothers can say their teenage daughters like them? I am one of the lucky ones.
I've been a friend and a loyal one to many; sadly I can't say that I've had the same in return. If I call you a friend I hold you in high regard, if I am not treated the same way I do not consider you a true friend. We may still be friendly but we would never be friends. I have come across many people who never seem to grasp the concept of what a friend really is. Friends are not people who need to be in your life. They aren't family and they aren't paid to be there. Well ideally they aren't paid. Friends aren't easily made it takes respect and understanding,  Patience and forgiveness but most all for true friendship loyalty and trust surpass all other qualities. A friend is the only person you can depend on to tell you the ugly truths and they love you anyway. I have few true friends but the ones I do have I can trust with my life, my child, my money and my reputation. I hope you can say the same.
So I begin my forty third year happily and I will do so among my family, my friends, my beautiful child and a new and hopefully my last love.

A healthy mind? Dee VS DeeDee

I have always considered myself to be a very strong minded, secure individual. I mean we all have issues, don't we? As I continue on this road to self discovery I am finding things out about myself that were better off undiscovered. So are these things terrible? No not at all but they are things I am attempting to either change or conceal all together. In fact I think concealing it is the way to go.
I am two people. No I am not bipolar or have a split personaility but I am two seperate individuals. In everyday life I am this cold, distant person. I don't allow anyone to get the better of me. I fit into almost any situation by molding myself to it and the people around me. That is Dee Remy. Now DeeDee Remy or Darlene is a scared vulnerable woman, who is alone and from what I can see probably will be for a long time if not forever. Its a good thing I have Dee to fall back on. She takes it all. All the drama, all the sacrifice. She can hold down two jobs, take care of her family. She can take on any task no matter how heart wrenching or discouraging and do it without any emotions. If there were emotions she wouldn't get anything done.
She can take a man, make him think he is a God and then walk away without so much as a backward glance, leaving him wondering what he did wrong, when all he really did was like her. She will break his spirit and emasculate him to the point where he may need pschotherapy for awhile. Now she isn't ruthlesss, she does feel the man is an Adonis and will treat him as such. But she may begin to develop feelings or in some cases get bored; in either case she runs. She is happy, almost all the time which is a plus but in retrospect Dee is not a very nice person.
DeeDee or Darlene, she however is a lovely woman. Very giving, very caring and selfless but she is quite vulnerable. Only family and close friends get to know DeeDee and can get close to her. She rarely is around and if she is in any romantic relationship DeeDee goes into hiding. It is for her own protection! Since I have discovered this duel personality I guard DeeDee as if she were a precious jewel. People still try to break down that barrier I have in place and still some do get halfway in! No matter how hard I try to protect this woman she keeps trying to get out. Now I know she will only get hurt so I keep trying to supress her. I often wonder if keeping her safe and in lock down is actually keeping her happy. Maybe DeeDee needs to experience a little pain in her life to give her perspective. I don't know, but the more people that know about DeeDee the more likely the chance she could be in some real danger. For now she stays in seclusion, maybe one day someone will come along who Dee trusts and allows DeeDee to emerge; until then its lockdown for DeeDee. If you get to see her say hello, sometimes she gets really lonely.

Reflections: I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....

Reflections: I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....: Recently I was asked to do an interview to promote myself as a first time Author. I was happy. I still don't see myself as any one special u...

I AM A REAL AUTHOR.....

Recently I was asked to do an interview to promote myself as a first time Author. I was happy. I still don't see myself as any one special until today. I was told by a friend of mine that his friend has a bookstore and I should call her to set up a book signing. I would love to do a book signing so of course when I spoke to him again I asked him for the information. He quickly said "Well I spoke with her and she doesn't promote self published authors" I was floored. I am not a self published author. In fact it took me many years to get published. If any one reading this knows; the publishing industry is a selfish bastard and if you aren't a best selling author already, a low budget, unimaginative erotica novelist, or a trashy reality star your chances of getting published are almost zip. It was a difficult time in my life attempting to achieve my dream of being a published author and with the way of digital reading and bookstores closing, I thought it would never happen. When it actually happened it was surreal. My publisher kept telling me "You need to step up and act like an author. Act like you are a star because you are one in 11 million! Everyone you know should know you are a published author." It all sounds wonderful, but in reality I was and still am just Dee. So now I have to redeem myself to this woman who just owns a crappy book store. She's not an Author and yet now I have to defend myself because she was told I was self published. She will decide whether I am promotable to sit in her little store and sell books for her. To be completely honest I would rather give my books away  than promote her crappy little store. I know it isn't her fault she thought I was self published because that is what she was told but shouldn't people do a little research or at least ask a question as to whether or not I am legitimately published. F.Scott was a self published author. So I would like to think I am in the same league as he was. It makes me wonder how many people there are that think I am self published. My publisher told me most people never meet a published author. Authors are mysterious and usually reclusive.Also, most people assume authors are rich, which I did find extremely comical I am far from rich even with being published. I went to family gathering, I noticed a difference in my extended family; immediately I felt very self conscience. They were talking to me as if they never met me and one cousin even mentioned the hotel I was staying in and made a comment about how expensive it was. I was mortified. I was sharing a room with my mother and sister. Mommy always pays. I didn't say anything but I felt so out of place in my own family's home.  I would never even think these things were true to fact but my publisher was right. So from now on I am going to listen to him because obviously he knows best and from this moment on I am Dee Remy successful published author to anyone that cares.

Damn I have issues....

Well recently I have been refelecting on my love life. I say this with such distaste. I never have been one to put my love life under a microscope because I never really cared about it. I'm attractive I'm still fairly young and I have plenty of time. Since my life in general is fine in retrospect, I'm a published author and I have wonderful friends. My family is safe and secure and even my child is reaching an age now where I am not as needed as I used to be. I finally have taken the time to work on myself. This has been a struggle because I am so used to taking care of others, I find that being there for Dee is a chore to say the least. This Dee person is not an easy one. Wow, no wonder I focused on others all these years. She is insecure! Yes, I was shocked to find that out as well. As much as I love myself, because I definitely love myself, I will honestly say I am insecure. I can not stand insecure people, in fact I find it very unappealing. I love being alone, I love my own company, I even like the way I look, well I am sure I could look better but I am very happy with what I look like. That isn't the insecurity I am talking about. I am terrified of losing control or getting lost in some relationship or worst of all, I will be left alone with a broken heart. I normally would never allow a broken heart.  I never let anyone close enough to break my heart or even hurt me.  I know most women and men feel the same way. To realize this about yourself when you are such an ego maniac is kind of scary. I am also getting old....Quickly! Damn I am over 40 and the men in my age group are, well not to be mean but are not as taken care of as I am or they just simply don't give a shit. Either way I tend to date younger men. Who are wonderful and treat me as I should be treated but in reality when it comes right down to it either they will want kids..and I do not or eventually when I start to look my age they will fade away. More than likely I will get bored as I always do with younger men and I will wander. I will sit and write and hopefully publish more books and live out my life vicariously through my character extensions. Maybe I am just a happier person doing what I do best; taking care of others and throwing my heart into fictional stories whether they are being read by me or written. I guess reflecting doesn't really do any good if you aren't willing to do something about it. I just wrote about it so maybe that's a start.

I guess I am more complicated than I thought

Recently three separate people have told me things about myself that were not a surprise but I didn't think they were actually a problem. I've reflected on these statements and realize they are all true and unless I make a conscience choice to change these little things I may never be a happy fulfilled person.
1- I become friends with the men I date and before I know it that's exactly what we are FRIENDS and nothing more.
In my defense, of course I have to have one or I wouldn't be me, I like men! Not only as partners but as friends. I guess it is hard to separate the two. I understand men better than I understand woman, I also get along with them better then woman.
BUT this is posing a problem because as much as I am friends with the men I date I should be treated as a woman and not a pal. Sadly this happens often. Don't get me wrong, I have made a few wonderful friends over it.
2- Sometimes because I am so independent in my life and strong I take on the burdens of others. I try to save everyone and become their rock.
Okay That's a great quality, right? Well sometimes. I seem to give way much more than I get in relationships and I tend to become resentful. As much as I love helping and being the strength I would really love to have a man turn around and say "No baby, I will take care of it, don't worry." Granted he may get an argument but if he is strong enough and shows me that all will be okay if he does take care of it then maybe I can trust him.
3- I am very cautious and do not allow anyone in. Sometimes...okay well more than sometimes I have been called cold and distant.
This one is very true and as much as I hate to admit it, it is me. I am not cold just protected. I don't like to be vulnerable. More importantly I don't want to hurt any man I am with which I seem to do over and over. So if you keep them at bay no one gets hurt right?.....Nope someone always gets hurt. They are hurt by me because I retreat and become distant even if I care deeply, I am just afraid for the both of us. Again I find this noble but who am I kidding it just keeps me out in the cold.
4- I am not that affectionate and was not brought up in an affectionate home so again I seem cold. I do not mean this ina sexual way. Sexually I am definitely affectionate and extremely giving because pleasing my partner is a huge turn on for me. But in everyday situations, holding hands, hugging, kissing in public.....not me. Again we seem like friends when we are not alone.
I am not this way with all men but I do need to open myself more so I can let the men in that want to treat me as a woman, not their friend, not their lover and not their buddy. I need to allow them to treat me as any other woman would like to be treated. I am way to accepting in being the friend girlfriend! For once in my  life I want to allow romance in and see where it takes me. I hope I haven't realized these things too late. We will see, I have began to break down my wall a little and so far I am enjoying being treated like a delicate flower. We will see how long it lasts but I hope it does and maybe just maybe I can change from being the girl everyone depends on to being the loved woman in a man's life.

Serendipity was always a joke or so I thought

Here is a lovely tale and because it is true makes it all the more beautiful:

A woman wakes up on a perfect Summer day not feeling quite the happiest. Woman does some household chores but temptation of the outdoors kept calling her. She leaves to lay in the summer sun for a few hours; trying to sweat out the uneasy feeling that lays in the pit of her stomach. Stressed out job, a bit of family chaos and unfortunately, nothing interesting going on in her love life.  A few good men but not anyone she has a deep connection with. She is resolved to not allowing any of this to spoil her day. After a few hours in the heat she packs up and heads for home. She had decided earlier to at least get her items and then lock herself inside for the remainder of the day, so without thinking drives to a nearby store and parks her car.
As she is in the store a man walks by her. She sees him but is barely aware of his presence until they bump into each other again. This time they do linger looking at each other but both are in a rush and the woman is on the phone...of course.
She hangs up her phone call and walks around the store one last time to make sure she had all she came for and not to her surprise, the handsome man was gone.
At the counter as she waits for the cashier, one cashier is ringing up a customer but the customer is not at the register....Ugh no she is getting impatient but still tries to keep her composure. The register right next to the first one opens and she pours all her stuff on the counter and is tapping her foot anxiously to get out, get in her car and go home or to that special place she retreats to when she just doesn't want to hibernate and at that precise moment she did not want to hibernate which she does quite often when feeling this down. She pays and quickly heads for the door. She realizes the handsome man was the customer not at the counter and he was holding the door for her. They enter the parking lot together and go their separate ways. As she drives out of the lot he is waiting for her to chat. They go to a park to sit and talk and an hour turns into 3 hours. They part happily. Her day was saved and after their coversation she realizes so was his. They spent the rest of the night talking on the phone and the next evening together. Things are looking up for the two of them who weren't looking for anything that day but it ended up being one of the best days of their lives because that was the day their eyes and their hearts met.

Just when I thought I was done......I'm not.: I think I have kept my opinions to myself for far ...

Just when I thought I was done......I'm not.: I think I have kept my opinions to myself for far ...: I know when some people read this they may have a different view of me. I don't care I know who I am. I am becoming increasingly concerned f...

Just when I thought I was done......I'm not.: So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Wa...

Just when I thought I was done......I'm not.: So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Wa...: So I thought once I wrote the book, "There Once Was a Boy" and I actually got it published, I figured Whew......I am done. On to the next on...

I think I have kept my opinions to myself for far too long

I know when some people read this they may have a different view of me. I don't care I know who I am. I am becoming increasingly concerned for the future of the human race as a people.
Fuck the government! They are not your protectors and they are not your friends. I understand that certain people feel infringing on other peoples freedoms feel some sort of right to reign judgement on others if it is in the persons best interest.  Well we all know the expression "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" The fact is I am sick and tired of everyone whining about Gay Marriage. I am a huge advocate of gay marriage but who really gives a shit if a guy who owns some chains are aginst gay marriage. Does the guy you buy your milk from feel the same? Would you care? Don't we all have that ignorant family member who comes up with all these religious reasons why they shouldn't be married and miserable like everyone else. Funny in my house I can bring home a woman and announce I am gay  and they would be fine with it but bring home a black man and all hell breaks loose. Thats why  I never brought the black men I dated home.Church and state should be separate so every State should man up and allow everyone to marry and screw the church. Shit I'm divorced I can never again marry in a catholic church I wouldn't let it stop me. You aren't going to have people think the way you do so just live!We allow all these organiztions and ignorant people to infiltrate our lives and dictate the way we live it.
 I just heard they are going to make formula difficult for mothers to get so they will have to breastfeed. HOW DARE YOU! This is an outrage. I did not nurse my child and I shouldn't be judged because of this. My child is healthy, strong and we are exceptionally close. It is a beautiful experience if that is what you want to do but to insist that we do is tyrannical. let mothers be mothers. I think that most people believe that if they raise the prices of soda we will combat obesity or if we raise cigarette prices to $20 a pack and stop you from smoking EVERYWHERE they will stop smoking in this country. The big picture is slowly we are having all our freedoms taken away and we are allowing it because it sounds good. Remember We should never fear our government they should fear the people.