E.C. Stilson's Blog, page 7

An Inspiring Mother

It seems no matter where one might look, people are eager to impose limitations or expectations on others. They want us to do more and do better: become doctors, lawyers, or architects... But then, as we grow older or become ill, they demand that we do less. "Are you sure you're still safe while driving?" "How can you be so active when you're getting older?" Or, in my case, "It's not normal to be happy while fighting cancer. Elisa, you're living in denial." 

The silly thing is that I have both good and bad days. Just because people see one moment of our lives, that doesn't make them experts.
Last week, I spoke with my mother about this. "I refuse to act like I'm dead while I'm still busy living." Sure, life has changed, imposing its own limitations. I use a wheelchair for long distances. I can no longer go hiking, and I sleep an ungodly number of hours each day. I'm 41 years old, and certain things I loved are no longer on the table, but that doesn't mean I can no longer enjoy what I CAN do. Life is change, right? So we can either pivot... or fall. 

"I read an article the other day," my mom said. "It claims certain people are biologically equipped to handle hardship." She paused, then whispered something so quietly I had to ask her to repeat it. "It's just," she said, "if anyone was built to handle hardship, it's you."

My parents are wonderful, loving people, but compliments like this are years in the making. It made my heart swell.
They've worked hard to get where they are and expected me and my siblings to do the same. My dad built a drilling company from the ground up, and my mom was a successful musician (drummer) and later worked as a bookkeeper for many years. But things haven't always been easy for them, and knowing how hard they've fought to continually find the good—through my dad's battle against stage 4 cancer as well as the death of a grandchild... They had businesses go under before finding success and have braved other trials that somehow made their marriage stronger. Knowing all of that made her words resonate. "You're my hero, Mom. Really." 
My parents are in their mid-70s, and they rock climb nearly every day. My dad goes trap shooting and golfing every chance he gets, while my mom enjoys teaching line dancing lessons. I remember several years ago when someone tried imposing boundaries on them. "You're both getting older. You should slow down." But I'm proud that my parents didn't listen. They knew what they wanted and decided to simply go out and enjoy their lives.

"You've been through so many tough things," I said, "but you smile through it all. And you do it with such grace." Before fighting cancer, I never understood how much strength it takes to be gentle, good, forgiving, and hopeful. Those are the strengths I see in my mother. Those are the things I wish to find in myself.

"You won't believe what someone told me the other day." I knew she'd have good advice for me. "They said I must not be 'that sick' if I can make breakfast for the kids every day, smile, and do my makeup. You'd think doing my makeup is harder than raising the dead!"

My mom laughed. "Well, you're doing your best with what you can control." She took a deep breath. "I wish more people would get out and enjoy life." Then she told me how she recently attended a band audition AND got the job. "I'm playing gigs and everything, Elisa. I'm in a band again!"

I couldn't help smiling because every day is a surprise with those two. They were so good to me while I grew up, but now they're leading by example. I've realized more and more that I need to let go of the expectations and limitations people might want to impose on me. If oncologists are right and I'll die from melanoma at some point, it would be tragic to quit living before I'm even dead. So, I'll keep doing my makeup if I want to. I'll go for strolls with my family—whether walking or in a wheelchair. And I'll smile through the pain. 
If we can't muster even a bit of gratitude and enjoy what we have, what's the point? I'd rather make the best of my situation and learn how to enjoy every last moment of life that I can.

What is Happiness?

Mike and I don't go out much, so he seemed excited when an opportunity arose. A marketing company near the cancer center hired me to play my violin for an entrepreneurial workshop event. I'd make $94 for an hour (a rate suggested by a music union), but Mike and I would also get a free meal at the closing dinner! 
I can't play long before the tumor at the base of my skull comes to life, sending aches and sharp twinges up and down my spine. This usually happens when I hold my violin for too long, but despite that, I felt eager for the gig and resolved to press through the pain—even if it lasted days after. I'd play, stay the night, and then Mike would bring me to get cancer treatments the next day. (Hey! Anything that distracts from infusions is a big deal.)

"Come sit by us. I insist," the event's organizer said after I'd finished playing. On our trek to her table, she watched several guests compliment my playing, and I felt grateful for their words. I'd initially worried the woman hired me out of pity, but at least she knew people had enjoyed it (hopefully!). The thing is that nobody wants to be pitied. Before the terminal cancer diagnosis, I fiddled with various bands, and I felt so capable. In control... But I avoided playing alone unless hired for a wedding or a funeral. This gig just seemed like an odd fit. Who wants to hear a lone, somber violin at an upbeat business dinner? Maybe she hired me, hoping to help financially without being obvious.

Anyway, after starting on our food, the table's conversation surprised me and Mike. "So what IS happiness, John?" a woman asked, her skin perfectly accented against a tight yellow dress. John took a moment to respond, though, and the woman finally placed her hands together and impatiently clacked her fake red nails. I loved her yellow dress and red nails. She looked darling, even if it was a bit like mustard and ketchup.

"I'm not sure I know what happiness is," he replied. "But I'm saying that America scores pretty low compared to other countries. We've dropped 15%."

"Who's the highest anyway?" She persisted. "Which country is the happiest?"

"I believe it's Denmark," he said.

Ironically, I've looked into this and couldn't help jumping in. "I've been studying happiness too. A report I saw for 2024 said Finland scored the highest, but these reports are all so subjective. I'd love to find out which factors they used in the report you saw." I cleared my throat, suddenly aware that everyone at the table looked at me. It's been a long time since I've been in a work environment like that because I spend most of my days resting at home, hanging out with my family, or getting scans and treatments at the cancer center. "I could see Denmark being the top country, though." I didn't want to discredit what he'd said.

"You've been to Denmark?" Another man speared some lettuce and peered from me to Mike.

"Oh! No. Just pictures. It looks pretty amazing, though."

The event's organizer, Susan, chimed in. "Elisa would be a great person to speak on happiness. She has cancer." She glanced at me as if silently asking to go on. I nodded. "Doctors initially gave her two years to live, but she's lived longer than expected. And she's still somehow remained happy. What would you say your secret is?"

The room closed in on me, and the throbbing in my neck seemed even more prominent. I'm unsure why, but I felt incredibly embarrassed sitting with all these fancy business people. Why had I joined the conversation, and what could I possibly add? Should I say how happiness is so different from joy? 
Happiness is fleeting, ephemeral. But the etymology of "joy" is synonymous with "persevere"! You DECIDE to embrace joy. You VOW to enjoy life. You don't only appreciate things when they're good; you unashamedly embrace gratitude and appreciate everything. It's a way of life.

Mike must've seen my panic because he wiped his mouth and said, "Elisa finds the good in everything. Is that what you'd say your secret is, sweetheart?"

I nodded, so grateful for him. "Actually, yes. I think that's it. Gratitude. For everything. The good and the bad."

John seemed completely lost in thought. "The report that scored Finland highest... Do you know which variables they factored in?"

I took a deep breath and plunged in again. "They asked participants how 'perfect' their lives are. They'd select a number from 1–10, and most people in Finland said '6.'" Mike smiled at me with so much love, always giving me courage and hope. It feels as if he's always proud of me, whether I'm simply making it to treatments or joining unusual dinner conversations. "A different study combined three things: health, income, and equality, but that report said the main factor that impacts happiness is health."

"And you disagree?" the condiment woman said.

"Well, I guess... Maybe I do."

"It all sounds a bit trite to me," she replied. "What is happiness anyway? For me, it's attaining my career goals. If I've reached my goals, I'd say I'm happy. They go hand in hand. But I'm still working on myself. I'm not even a 2 on a scale from 1 to 10. I'm not happy where I'm at. Not yet. So what is happiness to different people? That's the real problem. It's about attaining their own goals. And health would always impact that. It prevents people from reaching their goals. So it should be a main factor."

A man who'd remained quiet suddenly spoke. "We're so different!" he said with a laugh. "You want to climb the ladder, but happiness to me would be retirement. I just want to stop climbing and rest!"

Slowly, the conversation moved to different topics, and I didn't say much afterward. Instead, Mike and I listened to people around us, and we held hands under the table. When I quit working in 2023, I cried, thinking I'd miss the atmosphere, but sitting at that table, I realized I'm grateful for the new season I'm in, even if doctors say it's the Sunday of my life.

A few days later, I shared this conversation with our two youngest kids: Trey (15) and Indy (14). "I think people miss the point," Trey said. "Happiness is looking at the problems you have and fully accepting where you're at and who you are."

Indy nodded. "It's enjoying your life. Enjoying what you have, no matter if it seems good or tough in the moment. We're lucky to even be here."
Trey sighed, obviously thinking deeply. "Mom... It's really hard that you have cancer. When we found out you were sick, that was the worst year of my life," he whispered somberly. "But now we're facing it. We're still together... And we're deciding to be happy despite everything. It's a choice."
I puffed with pride because their answers didn't involve the future or some far-off hope or unattainable dream. Instead, they spoke about living in the present, appreciating what each of us has right now, and being grateful to even be alive.

Top (left to right): Mike and Elisa

Bottom (left to right): Trey, Ruby, Sky, and Indiana

Service Dog: Artemis

A Full-Circle Moment

My grandma always taught me to treat absolutely everyone with respect because you never know what someone else might be going through. When I was 11, my grandparents actually brought me to Hawaii, and when everyone else fell asleep, my grandma decided to take me out so we could see the ladies of the night. I had no idea what these women actually did until my grandma told me. "See her clothes," she said, "she has a good sense of fashion." Then, my grandmother smiled kindly at each woman as they passed and always offered an uplifting word. She gave several of them money, but I honestly think her kindness meant far more than anything else. Some of those women even seemed surprised. Anyway, we didn't return to our hotel room until my grandma and I had counted 100 women that night. Later, the whole thing seemed hilarious as an adult, but I didn't realize until now that my grandma had actually been teaching me an unforgettable lesson.

 

It's been over 30 years since this happened. My grandmother passed away over a decade ago, but I still find so much comfort in these memories. Now, when I'm having tough days fighting cancer, I read inspirational cards she placed in her "happiness file." I pulled one out a couple of years ago and wondered how my grandmother must've felt when she wrote it. "Treat everyone with kindness," the card read, "it really does come back around." 

Whenever I walk toward my main oncologist's clinic, I pass a man who helps with insurance claims. He doesn't appear to have a regular office and instead is tucked away in a dark corner. He faces patients who pass by, but his desk is a bit too far away for us to really say hello. I've seen people awkwardly skirt past, and the man also never looks up. Remembering my grandmother's words, a couple of years ago I decided to walk all the way over to this man's desk to try brightening his afternoon. "Have a wonderful day," I beamed. The poor man appeared visibly shaken, mumbling something as he stared at his computer and went back to work. Instead of quitting there, I vowed to do this every time I walked past—both before and after my visit. After months, he began waving back, always seeming surprised no matter how many times I've done this. I never missed a time, always remembering my grandmother's words: Treat Everyone with Kindness.

This week, though, something changed. I grew so sad, unable to remain happy despite my circumstances. I spent most of the week at the cancer center, growing more and more exhausted. It's just that this whole journey can sometimes feel endless. Anyway, after I left the clinic, preparing to pass the man in the corner, I decided not to say hello. What was the point in always saying hi anyway? He probably didn't even like it. I couldn't stomach this journey anymore. What was the point of anything?

But just as I was about to round the corner without acknowledging him, the man yelled out, "You didn't say hello! So... Hello!" Then he smiled brightly, waving to me with so much animation that a humongous laugh built up inside of me, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. We just smiled at each other so widely. And I'm not quite sure why, but his kindness made my eyes well with tears. That man changed the climate of my entire day, and suddenly my journey felt surmountable again.

It's so funny thinking about my grandma and the lessons she imparted even on the Waikiki strip. Maybe she was right after all.

Keep Looking for the Good, Especially Here

Have you heard of Chinese water torture? An Italian/Chinese psychologist first wrote about this in the 15th century, explaining how a dripping machine would erratically send very cold water onto subjects’ scalps and foreheads over an extended period of time. After a while, those being tortured would mentally deteriorate so fearful of the next drop. This is often how cancer feels. 

I’m currently writing from Utah, missing my family in Idaho because I’ll spend the next few days near the cancer center in another state. I undergo brain imaging every six weeks and get cancer treatments every month. This week I’ll also get a bone infusion—which (to me) is almost as bad as radiation. But what hurts more than anything is time away from my husband and kids. 
Today, before a 60-minute MRI to monitor a certain brain mass (as well as necrosis), I shook on the MRI table. “It’s all begun to feel like too much,” I whispered, but I don’t think the tech heard me. He’d just seen how I quivered like debris at the end of an especially harrowing storm.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“I used to be brave,” I said. “Before all of this… Before terminal cancer I was different.” But on days like today, it feels like too much. Unless people have been through it themselves, they don’t fully understand. And sometimes, as the person undergoing treatments, it’s easy to lose sight of what makes the bad times better.
“Don’t be embarrassed.” He looked at me with such kindness. “You’re worried because you’re claustrophobic?”
That wasn’t all of it, but… “Yes. I’m claustrophobic.” 
“Over half of the people who come in here are claustrophobic.”
“Are you?” I asked. “You’ve had an MRI?”
“I went in a machine once for training. The tube pushed my arms into my sides, and I hated the mirror on the face cage. You’ve had brain MRIs before, so you know that mirror I’m talking about?”
“Yes. The mirror is the worst!”
“I would’ve preferred just looking at the tube’s ceiling!” he said, and we both broke out laughing. 
Despite previous fears, I’d stopped shaking. It just felt nice being validated by someone who understood. “Can you do me a big favor?” I asked, and the young man quickly agreed. “An hour in that tiny tunnel is a long time. Can you tell me something you’ve learned from working with cancer patients—something I can think about in the machine?” I’ve gotten so philosophical that all I seem to do is think. 
I hate admitting how being alone with my thoughts—especially in MRIs—has become laborious. Or how I’ve talked with several counselors about mortality but even that has become my own brand of Chinese water torture.
“I just finished school. I’m officially a magnetic resonance imaging technologist!” the man gushed, prying me from my thoughts. “I’ve learned so much from cancer patients that now I just want to help them. These MRIs save lives, and now I’m helping save lives too.”
I couldn’t help smiling.
“I think most of us want a chance to help other people. This is my way of doing that.”
“Congratulations. That is so incredible!”
And when I went into the machine and after, I thought about Joel’s words and how he just wants to help people. I guess that really is the gist of what most people want to do with their lives... Simply help.
So, as I prepare for two more days at the cancer center in Utah, it seems a little bit less grueling. I’ve felt myself smiling broadly at strangers in the elevator, and I’ve even started up cheerful conversations with everyone unfortunate enough to cross my path.

Sure my cancer journey might feel like Chinese water torture at times, but “hell” could actually be heaven if you just escaped from the desert. So, it’s all perspective again, and I just need to keep looking for the good, especially here.

Has My Life Mattered?

 It seems when people hear they will most likely die from cancer—and soon—they ask themselves one question: Has my life mattered?

I’ve thought a lot about this lately. To make this somewhat tangible, I decided to find five exact moments when “I” felt of value.

For yourself, can you think of five moments when you really felt of value? 

This has not been easy for me! Was it giving birth to my children, owning successful businesses, hitting a million views on my blog, landing the lead in a play, or running a newspaper? While nice, stacked against “value,” each and every “accomplishment” seemed hollow, maybe even rooted in pride. 

“How’s your search for value going?” a friend asked. 

“I just keep thinking of standing before God, trying to brag about my bachelor’s degree or being a physician liaison, and it sounds completely inane.”

“Elisa, don’t downplay your accomplishments.”

But she clearly didn’t understand. 

That night Mike and I made a fancy dinner with the kids. We laughed and joked. We played ping-pong on the kitchen table and tried the new kind of Coca-Cola. It was the most fun I’ve had in months. Then, when the kids went to bed and Mike sat reading a book about Eastern philosophy, I sneaked downstairs. 

It’s rare for me to have enough energy to get extra things done, but I knew I could do something small that night—and it would have a huge impact. 

In my sewing room, there’s a stack of clothes that need patches, buttons, and other adjustments. So, like a little elf, I fixed everything. It didn’t take a terribly long time, and as I sewed, I felt so much love pouring through my tumor-ridden body.

“What are you doing, sweetheart?” Mike whispered. “Oh, my gosh! You fixed everything!”

He picked up a pair of his pants, and I suddenly felt like I had value. I could hardly wait for the kids to see what I’d fixed. 

“You look tired… But you seem so happy,” Mike said.

I grinned. “It sounds cliché, but it just hit me. It’s the small things. When I stand before God, if He asks me why I think my life mattered, I’ll say it did because I tried to make a difference for the people who mean the most to me.”

A Quilt Before G-d

Cancer is different than I expected. I remember staying with my dad when he underwent treatments over two decades ago. He seemed far more concerned with the medical staff than about himself. He'd always ask how they were and try to brighten their days.

"Isn't this hard on you?" I finally asked one day.

He laughed. "I'll be all right. Don't worry about me." And that was it. My dad didn't want me to worry. And that actually turned out "all right." He lived through stage 4 colon cancer—something his oncologist said hardly anyone lives through.

Now that I'm fighting terminal cancer, my dad has spoken with me candidly about the hard days he experienced (needing to know where the nearest bathroom was and feeling tired beyond words). He has become an inspiration as I've fought through this. Maybe that's why I asked Mike if we could visit my parents in Arizona. "Somehow, my dad helps me keep fighting. Doctors say I'll never beat this, but my dad gives me hope. He beat it, so maybe I can too." Despite that, after arriving at the airport and waiting at the gate, I felt more tired than ever.

A service agent walked over, helped tag my wheelchair, and said he'd like to move my seat to one with more room.

"I'm okay. Don't worry about it," I said, not wanting to put him out.

But he insisted, and unfortunately, when everyone walked onto the plane, we realized he'd made a mistake. A family with two young children no longer sat together, and my new seat replaced an elderly woman who wanted an aisle seat. Mike and I no longer sat together, and another couple had also been moved apart. This delayed the plane's departure, and to get seated, several passengers quickly moved so the young family could sit together and the older woman had an aisle seat. The rest of us stayed where we were.

But planes scare me and without Mike near me...

I used to be quite a thrill seeker before cancer. I loved cliffdiving and even joined a training program to help civilians lost or stuck while spelunking. But now, entering an elevator puts me into cold sweats. Being in a crowded area brings on claustrophobia. And being on a plane, well, the only way I've previously gotten through it is to close my eyes, lean on Mike, and pretend we're in Jamaica. Yet, I had more legroom than most people on the plane, but I couldn't lean on Mike. 

I closed my eyes. The motion of the plane and clunking of the equipment prepping for liftoff somehow reminded me of brain radiation, where they inserted a mouthpiece over my tongue and screwed a face cage to the table. I couldn't even cry for help as the techs left the room for nearly an hour. How strange that I can be more fatigued than ever before yet still get so terrified over the silliest things. 
If I could just feel peace about this: terminal cancer, fatigue, living in this new normal... 

I finally turned to the woman beside me. Her husband sat a row up from us. "What is peace to you?" I asked.

"Peace..." She smiled, and I'm unsure why, but I knew she'd give the most brilliant answer. Maybe the entire seating mixup happened so I could sit by her. I honestly think it did. "Peace," she said, her ethereal eyes gleaming, "is like a river."

"What does that mean to you?"

"Well, rivers twist and turn. Sometimes, they're fast and slow, but we have to trust that the river will take us where we need to be."

Trust. I really think peace is connected to trust... and acceptance. But it's still hard to accept this new normal. People talk about making a difference, but often, I feel too tired to do much of anything—weary, exhausted, worn.

I told this woman about my journey with terminal cancer and how tough it's been. "I'm trying to find peace with this, but some days are good, and others are hard. I just feel so worn out."

"I want to tell you a story," she said.

Imagine hundreds of people standing at the gates of Heaven. They each hold a quilt to show G-d. Every square displays a moment from their lives so G-d can see everything—the good and bad. But toward the back of the line, a woman stands with an incredibly threadbare quilt. It's been through more than she'd like to admit, and she almost shakes, waiting for her turn. Finally, only one person stands in front of her. That particular woman holds up the most beautiful quilt with achievements and accolades depicted in every scene. "It is quite beautiful," G-d says, "but you need to remember that unless you've made a positive difference for the people in your life, nothing else really matters. What matters is love." He lets her into Heaven, and it's time for the woman with the threadbare quilt to step forward. 

She thinks G-d will tell her that her quilt wasn't good enough. And feeling more worry than ever before, she holds up the frayed ends.
A smile slides onto G-d's magnificent face. "This is the most perfect quilt I've ever seen."

She touches the worn fabric. "Really?" she asks, her voice quivering. "But it's so worn..."

G-d gently asks if he can take the quilt from her, and then He holds it between them. His face shines so brightly even through the fabric.

"Through everything in life..." He smiles, still gazing at her through the quilt's worn fabric. "Through everything, you always saw me."
After the woman on the airplane told me this story, renewed strength filled my bones. I didn't worry about my upcoming treatments the following week or the airplane cabin that had previously felt so oppressive. Instead, I looked at my new friend and grinned. This seemed like another breadcrumb from Heaven, showing me that G-d is in everything. He's looking out for all of us—through the good and the bad... waiting to pick us up even when we might feel the most weary and worn.

It's Okay Not to Be Okay

My two oldest daughters recently moved out. I've loved seeing the apartments they've each chosen and how they've decorated—so different yet ironically the same. Although I'm extremely proud of them, this HAS been a hard transition for me as a mother. I miss seeing Ruby every morning before she goes off to tattoo clients. She'd always excitedly show me mock-up tattoos she'd worked on. Then, shortly after Ruby left, Sky would bound through the door, gushing about her morning as a barista. Occasionally, we'd sit at the table together: I would write while she worked on homework. (She's studying to get her bachelor's in anthropology). But... Sky moved out in February, and Ruby followed suit only a few weeks later. Now, my mornings—previously filled with excitement and laughter—are quiet. This IS exactly what I've been working toward (seeing my children grow up), but it is hard. 

In 2020, when doctors only gave me two years to live, I vowed to defy this prediction and fight my hardest so I could see my four kids grow up. My youngest was 10 at the time, and this felt like a Herculean task. Yet, here we are; two of my children are adults now, and it feels different than I anticipated. 
I recently told a fellow cancer patient about this. "I'm fighting cancer so hard." The thought carried much more weight than normal, making me pause. "I need to be here until my youngest turns 18, but I hope my body won't give out on me before then. When she's 18, I think at that point, I won't continue getting treatments. I'm just... tired."

He nodded. "But by then, it'll be something else. Here I am, almost 80, wanting to see my new grandbaby be born." He broke out laughing. "I'm tellin' ya. It'll always be something. Your youngest will turn 18, and then, you'll find something else to live for: a wedding... an anniversary... a birth... a graduation... Once people realize death isn't too far away, it's natural to fight mortality."

But I wasn't quite so sure. I keep saying that with terminal cancer, I feel like I'm tied to the tracks, and the train is coming. But now that my two oldest kids have moved out, death is somehow hurtling toward me, moving way too fast. Now, I don't just know about the train, I can see it! 

To be honest, lately, I've struggled making it to treatments. It's not that I actively want to give up; it's just that treatments are grueling. No one hopes to be so nauseous they can't keep food down or volunteers to have fevers and treatments that almost killed them in the past. People don't joyfully sign up to feel like warmed poo on a platter, knowing the only end in sight... is death. 
After talking with this man, I sulked alone in my house. It was about the time of day when I'd hug Ruby goodbye and see Sky after her shift ended. This hit me like the truth of my own mortality, and I'm embarrassed to say... that I cried. 

This ugly-sobbing, red-faced self-pity continued until my eyes landed on a family picture—the bright faces of my WHY: my reason. I sat straighter, rubbed my eyes, and sniffled. 
Sure, it IS okay not to be okay—as long as we don't get mired in it forever. But I'd had my moment, and now I needed to pull myself together, cast off my own worries, and think about others. If this transition felt hard for me, maybe it was also hard for everyone else. I spoke with Mike (my husband) and our two youngest kids. It turns out they were missing Ruby and Sky terribly, too! Then, when I called to check on my adult daughters, they asked for something surprising. "I WOULD like... to have a cooking day," Ruby admitted. "Just to have some frozen meals." Sky quickly agreed. And I could hear it in their voices... My oldest daughters missed me just as much as I missed them! Those beautiful babies still needed me, just in a different capacity.
"You know, this is such a big change for me. I lived with you for 22 years," I said to Ruby. "That's the longest I've lived with anyone. And Sky, I lived with you for 19 years! That a looong time. I really... I miss you two." There. I'd said it.

So, the rest of the week, I thought about recipe ideas and bought extra groceries. Instead of dwelling on my failing health and everything that seemed "wrong," I started focusing on everything that's right. On Sunday, everyone convened at Ruby's eclectic apartment, where she has dinosaur and mushroom-themed decor. She even tipped an LED mushroom upside down and screwed it under a cupboard so it can cleverly hold various things like keys, bottle openers, and jewelry. After Mike and I taught all four of our kids various recipes and froze enough meals to last a month, I rested in Ruby's front room on a gigantic beanbag. Everyone's laughter echoed from the kitchen as Sky relayed a story and then said she'd had a wonderful morning cooking with us. "I'm just so happy with life right now," she said. "Really, really happy."
Ruby's voice lit with so much joy. "I do miss everyone, and it can be stressful right now because there's still so much to do. But.. it's nice to be on my own."

Gratitude suddenly filled every bit of me, and I beamed. Instead of dwelling on how hard life can be, I simply basked in the present moment, so fortunate I'm even alive to see my oldest daughters be self-sufficient and happy.

That night, I snuggled into Mike. "We're halfway there," I said.
"Halfway?" Mike held me so tenderly, waiting for me to continue.
"We're raising amazing kids, and they're doing so well. Now, two of them are fully on their way. We just have two to go."

"You know, I'm really proud of them," Mike said. " And, Elisa... I'm proud of you, too."
I breathed deeply. I'd been unaware of how much I needed to hear those words. 
"I know this isn't always easy," he continued. "Thank you for fighting so we can have more time with you. We need you. I need you."

I hugged him so hard. "There will always be reasons to keep fighting to be with you and the kids." I realized my friend—the fellow cancer patient—had been right. "You make my life wonderful, Mike. Thank you for making me feel like I still matter."

After Mike kissed me on the forehead, I fell asleep with a fresh perspective and renewed strength. That week, going to treatments didn't seem quite so unbearable. Sure, cancer can be tough, but I suddenly felt tougher. Change is scary, but from the right vantage point, it's also absolutely beautiful. I'm eager to keep fighting to see whatever the future might hold. 

My Friend, Jerry Russell

Sometimes we meet people and instantly know that they will change our lives. It can be a lasting friendship or a simple exchange, but from the get-go we immediately feel different. That’s how I felt with Jerry Russell.

I first heard about Jerry from a mutual friend, Scott Hancock. He described Jerry to be a larger than life legend with otherworldly kindness and charisma. I knew Jerry would be at a book signing, and I thought I knew what to expect. But when we finally did meet, he was much more than Scott could’ve ever described. Jerry—as the saying goes—was truly larger than life itself.
He shook my hand with such warmth and kindness. I remember him holding my hand and looking into his eyes. I wondered, “Did he see into my soul? Probably!” And yet he still wanted to be my friend. Soon after meeting him, Jerry explained that he was twice my age, and I balked because he skipped around like Tigger and seemed far more spry than I am.
We talked about how quickly life can go, and change, and throw unexpected obstacles our way. “You just have to keep going and trying to make the best of things. You’re a bright light, Elisa. You really are. I see that in you.”
Tears filled my eyes because Jerry seemed like the bright light to me. I couldn’t be around that man without smiling. A month later when my liver started failing from cancer treatments and doctors said I would die unless they got things under control, I thought of Jerry’s words, and I tried to be a light in that hospital. I asked the nurses how they were doing and commiserated with them about their long shifts. “You’re the one who’s having liver problems,” one nurse said.
“That doesn’t make what you’re going through easier. But at least we can smile together. That lightens everyone’s loads.” Because that’s exactly what Jerry would do.
I first heard about Jerry in 2020, but I finally met him in person in 2021. After that, he’d email me quite frequently, telling me about his days, sending me beautiful pictures, or trying to make me smile with something inspirational. I’m not sure at what point it happened, but he began ending his emails with “Your friend forever.”
At one point, I wondered if Jerry either previously had cancer or knew someone who had it. He just worked so hard to make sure I wouldn’t give up until it’s my time. “You’re so strong,” he said when I saw him again. And he really did make me feel like I could keep fighting. Despite how hard cancer can be and how tough it is to repeatedly drag myself to cancer treatments, Jerry made me feel like I could overcome.
Finally, I got the gumption to ask, “Did you have cancer? Or… did you know someone who had it?”
That’s when Jerry told me a story that filled him with both joy and sorrow. He talked about his daughter, Lana, and how much he loved her. “You would’ve liked her,” he said. “I see so much of her in you. The moment I met you… You reminded me of her. She was a wonderful daughter with your courage.” He wiped a tear from his eyes. “She died at the age of 59 from liver cancer.”
I didn’t know what to say. You could feel the pride Jerry felt for his daughter, but you could also feel the tragic sadness. Jerry had that gift. He broke your heart down to its core, and made you really “feel” the life around you.
Being like his daughter, well, that was one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. 
Not long ago, Jerry sent me a picture of a rainbow that he’d spotted in town. “I’d like to bring you here this spring,” he wrote.
In the spring of 2024, my husband, kids, and I would go with Jerry to see this special spot where he’d found the rainbow. I could hardly wait. But life had other plans, and Jerry passed away this February. It broke my heart knowing I wouldn’t get to see his bright eyes again or read one of his wonderful emails. But as I looked out my window today, wind blew the snow at just the right angle and I swear I saw a snow rainbow from Jerry. 
I opened my email and read the last lines Jerry ever wrote to me: “Elisa, you are a special entry in my memory book never to be forgotten.” I cried as I read his final words.
Jerry, YOU are a special entry in my memory book too. Thank you for giving me the courage to keep fighting like Lana. Please tell her “hello” for me. Until we meet again,Elisa

(Left to Right: Scott Hancock, Jerry Russell, and me)

An Opportunity All of Us Should Have

 

"Of course you're strong," the woman at the party persisted. "But HOW do you do it, Elisa? We ALL want to know?" Several people clustered around, and I wished we could leave. The woman asking the question, Lynn, doesn't really like me. Quite a while ago, we applied for the same job, and I ended up getting it. After I took the role, she treated me with distain. But maybe she meant well this time? I couldn't fathom someone being so unkind to someone who’s fighting terminal cancer. That would be amoral and unconscionable. 

 

"I don't feel particularly strong," I replied, then glanced from the fireplace to Mike. "But Mike and the kids... They're my reason to keep fighting. Other than that, I think it's the Godwinks. They're like breadcrumbs from G-d, miracles along the way... I even had one happen last week. It seemed like the neatest—" I paused, suddenly wishing I hadn't said anything. In hindsight, that particular story would sound ridiculous to someone like Lynn.

 

Jessica, the host, smiled with pure joy, her luminous eyes lighting. “I love your Godwink stories, Elisa.”

 

“Well,” I felt my face flushing, “it's gonna sound stupid, but this Godwink... is about my eyebrows. I got my eyebrows tattooed on last week."

 

In that instant, a few women in the room admitted to having their eyebrows tattooed on as well, and this confession astonished me and Mike.

 

"I hate spending money on myself," I went on when it had grown quiet. “What cash we have should be used for the kids, car repairs, Mike, or our house. But an esthetician gave me a really great deal since brain radiation messed up my left eyebrow.” Part of that brow still refuses to grow in; I've tried to fix it every morning, but this is not a skill I boast. Mike never knows if I'll look perpetually surprised, or angry, like Bert or Ernie. 

 

Everyone shared stories about their own eyebrows, and I remembered what the appointment had felt like. I drove to Precision Line Beauty in Idaho Fall, and before starting, the esthetician said it would probably hurt. 

It really didn't at all though.

 

"Well, I guess you HAVE been through a lot. It makes sense that you're not in pain. You know, I had cancer too."

 

Her words shocked me. She knew how tough treatments can be. She'd given me a good deal because she'd been there too. We shared stories from both of our journeys, and I found hope that maybe someday I'll be in remission like she is. After her diagnosis years ago, she decided to travel and live to the fullest. "How about you?" she asked at one point.

 

"I've done the same. We went skydiving together and then to Italy as a family. I can hardly believe I've played my violin all over the world now."

 

"Do you ever play around here?"

 

I smiled. "Well, I played at a big doctors' party over the holidays." I suddenly thought about that party. I'd charged them $94, but they never paid. It's strange how things like that can happen. People you expect to pay sometimes don’t, and those you don’t think would tip, do.

 

Anyway, it took about two hours, and after she finished, I paid her a little bit of cash, and then put the rest of my card. $185. 

I glanced at Lynn and our friends at the party. “It was an amazing deal for brows, but that still felt like a fortune!"

 

Mike broke out laughing at this point. "Once, Elisa bought a coat for $30 and nearly had a breakdown. So, you can imagine... She called me on her way home from Idaho Falls, just so worried."

 

“Yeah, the guilt seemed to eat me alive, and I even told Indy—our youngest daughter—all about it when I got home.”

 

"You know, Mama, it's good to see you actually doing something nice for yourself because you never do. It helps me know that sometimes I should do nice things for myself too. We're all so happy you're still alive. I think you should enjoy life while you’re here." She handed me the mail, and then gave me a hug.

 

I rifled through letter after letter. “But you've gotta admit... I put $185 on the card. That's a lot of money."

 

I suddenly stopped speaking and stared at a letter in disbelief. The return address boasted the name of a fancy medical organization in town. I pulled a check from the envelope and gaped at it. "Indiana, you aren't gonna believe this!"

 

"Woah." She pointed to the numbers. “$186. Just a dollar more than what you put on your card."

 

"I'd only charged the doctors $94. Why would they pay so much? This is the weirdest thing." 

 

"It's one of your Godwinks, Mama. See! You shouldn't feel bad. Just enjoy."

 

After setting the check on the counter, I read a note from the woman who'd paid the invoice. “You never realize how precious time is until something is threatening to take it away. We decided to pay you a higher amount because you were amazing, and you deserve it. Thanks again for playing at our holiday party."

 

Once I’d finished relaying this story, Jessica beamed, Mike winked at me, and Lynn appeared irate. I didn’t understand the latter’s reaction until later that night, when I went to the bathroom. 

Not long after closing the door, I overheard Lynn’s voice as she waited for the bathroom. "That story Elisa told was so shallow and stupid. She spent all that money on eyebrows when doctors have told her she's dying. And she thinks it's some big sign from G-d. It's just idiotic.”

 

"Lynn! She has terminal cancer. If that's what she needs to hold onto to keep fighting for her family, then let her hold onto it.” I held my breath, hoping they'd get tired of waiting for the bathroom and leave, but they didn't. And I had to walk past them.

 

Although it's not worth harboring rejection, I thought about this a lot the following days, until Temple Emanuel's service. Rabbi Sara gave the timeliest speech. "You can light a candle, but it can quickly go out. At the hardest times, when we feel like it's too much, those are the times that we must go find the light and keep it alive. Even if it's a tiny, tiny thing. If you go outside and see a flower in the snow—even if it's a small thing—we must strive to find goodness in the world AND each other."

 

As I rested in those words, it suddenly didn't matter that I'd splurged for once. Priorities became sparklingly clear, and I no longer cared that some woman had said cruel words outside of a bathroom door. Instead, I closed my eyes and decided to cultivate the light that dwells inside of me. I thanked G-d for breadcrumbs, expressed gratitude that I have family members who want me to have a good quality of life, and then I said a very long prayer for Lynn. 

I desperately hope her eyes will be opened to the miracles around her. It's like seeing colors for the first time; it’s an opportunity all of us should have.

Are You Living a Life of Substance?

 I had the strangest thing just happen. I woke up hearing the oncologist’s voice as he diagnosed me with terminal cancer and gave me two years to live. 

After he left, I looked out the hospital window and just thought, “I’m tired of living in fear and regret and dealing with so much guilt.” 

I suddenly felt exhausted from trying to accomplish things so people would be proud of me. My gosh, I wrote ten books in less than ten years. I became a physician liaison for the biggest hospital in southeastern Idaho. I worked as a publisher for a newspaper—and it STILL wasn’t enough. Like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it, no matter how much I put in there, it eventually ended up empty and dry.

At the end of my life, when I looked back, the only thing that really mattered was making a positive difference for the people I love. My so-called accomplishments, degrees, and careers all came up short. So, I wanted to make a change with the time I had left. And it wasn’t about me; life became about bettering the lives of those around me.

Whether my soul went on after death or ceased to exist, it no longer mattered anymore. What felt important was if my memory would remain with the people I care about. 

I wanted to ask you: Are you living the life that you really want? I’m not talking about quitting your job so you can move to the beach and surf all day; I’m talking about living a life of substance… of purpose. Or are you doing what I did: Searching for significance in all of the wrong places? Striving to fill your soul but getting stuck in monotony and forgetting that each day is a gift?

I hate to write this, but I do have terminal cancer. I’m fighting. Every single morning is a struggle to get up. It’s a struggle to go out. But I’m grateful because the fact that I’m struggling means I’m still alive.

If you’re reading this post, I hope you’ll take a minute to remember how lucky we are to have consciousness and the ability to even make choices. It’s vital that we recognize one simple truth: Our quality of life hinges on perspective AND attitude. Positivity can be an immense beacon in the darkness. Search for it and embody it.

So, even though life can be tough and I’m often in pain from the tumors in my bones, I’m grateful that I’m still alive—longer than doctors predicted! 

I’m going to enjoy today with my husband and my kids. Some days I can hardly believe that G-d decided to make me. He made all of us—and I don’t think we should take His handiwork for granted. Despite cancer and hardships, there are so many good things too. 

I… really am the luckiest.