L.E. Fitzpatrick's Blog, page 2
February 8, 2016
New Website
As this is the month of new-y newness - new book, new X-files that kind of thing - I've also revamped my website.
This included taking the plunge and purchasing a domain name, which was a bitter bill to pay (because I love freebies), but I think it makes things a bit more professional and the more I look professional the more I might start acting professional... okay it's a long shot.
But one of the things I wanted to do on the site was make it a bit interactive. There's an extras section which has some free stuff about the Reacher series and you can also read my blog there... which makes things weird because you could be reading this update on my website about my website being updated - oooh my head hurts.
This is the website: www.lefitzpatrick.com so check it out.
You can now also join my mailing list and those that do get a free, unreleased short Reacher story (one of my favourites in fact). This story won't be released anywhere else so if you want it sign up. And don't worry about being hassled every day by me - it's hard enough keeping a blog post updated once a week, my newsletter will be strictly monthly updates as needed.
Anymore ideas what I can do to make my series more interesting to you let me know.
This included taking the plunge and purchasing a domain name, which was a bitter bill to pay (because I love freebies), but I think it makes things a bit more professional and the more I look professional the more I might start acting professional... okay it's a long shot.
But one of the things I wanted to do on the site was make it a bit interactive. There's an extras section which has some free stuff about the Reacher series and you can also read my blog there... which makes things weird because you could be reading this update on my website about my website being updated - oooh my head hurts.
This is the website: www.lefitzpatrick.com so check it out.
You can now also join my mailing list and those that do get a free, unreleased short Reacher story (one of my favourites in fact). This story won't be released anywhere else so if you want it sign up. And don't worry about being hassled every day by me - it's hard enough keeping a blog post updated once a week, my newsletter will be strictly monthly updates as needed.
Anymore ideas what I can do to make my series more interesting to you let me know.
February 1, 2016
Release Party
Well we're nearly here. The release date has been set for The Running Game, as has an event party, blog tour and who knows what else... seriously, I have no idea what's going on. I'm in full panic mode. It seems crazy that I feel this week has caught me off guard, after all I've had months to prepare for it! But I guess it's just nerves. My natural, self-preserving pessimism has kicked in and I'm expecting it to all go horribly wrong.
Actually I think what's really freaking me out is that for over a year I've done no marketing. When Booktrope picked up The Running Game I figured I'd just put everything on hold for release day... well that's this Wednesday, which means the promotion baton needs to be picked up again and I have to start flogging my work. I don't mind telling you I'm feeling a bit rusty and the old bones are creaking at the prospect.
My hermit year is over. It's time to face the music. Cue the big band, let's go out on stage and perform. And that's what I'll be doing for this entire month, probably for this entire year. So come and join me, it'll either be awesome or a car crash disaster... either way you won't want to miss it.
My Release Party will be on Facebook on the 3rd, with lots of my author friends and prizes and you can join here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/1656871351228776/
January 25, 2016
Release Date
I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to be able to deliver this news. Now it's here I'm just gonna take a moment to savour it. Ahhhh... okay, so the news... well it's pretty important. Like most of my previous posts it revolves around The Running Game and... wait, what do you mean I gave it away in the title? Bugger. Oh well. I'm still excited to announce that the official launch date of The Running Game is....
3rd February 2016
You can be involved in the release too. If you run a blog and fancy hosting a promo post, interviewing me, getting an exclusive guest post... anything you want Enchanted Promotions are handling my book tour and would love to hear from you:
Enchanted Promotions
I can't tell you how proud I am of this story so if you have the chance please do get involved and I'm sure I'll have more exciting announcements soon.
3rd February 2016
You can be involved in the release too. If you run a blog and fancy hosting a promo post, interviewing me, getting an exclusive guest post... anything you want Enchanted Promotions are handling my book tour and would love to hear from you:
Enchanted Promotions
I can't tell you how proud I am of this story so if you have the chance please do get involved and I'm sure I'll have more exciting announcements soon.
January 20, 2016
The Running Game Trailer
I'm super excited to present my trailer for The Running Game, which will be released very soon.
January 13, 2016
The Running Game Cover Reveal
I am very, very pleased to reveal the new cover for The Running Game.
This cover was designed by the incredibly talented Ashley Ruggirello, her attention to detail is incredible (and so are all her covers). I'm over the moon with it.
The Running Game is going to be re-released very soon and we'll also be showcasing a new trailer next week. The excitements getting too much! Not long now.
Find out more about my cover designer here: www.CardboardMonet.com
This cover was designed by the incredibly talented Ashley Ruggirello, her attention to detail is incredible (and so are all her covers). I'm over the moon with it.
The Running Game is going to be re-released very soon and we'll also be showcasing a new trailer next week. The excitements getting too much! Not long now.
Find out more about my cover designer here: www.CardboardMonet.com
January 4, 2016
RESOLUTION
New Year’s resolutions - what the hell is all that about? Okay, maybe not the chirpiest way to start 2016, but like many people I’m suffering from over-eating, over-drinking, and over-sleeping. The transition from a festive break to the first Monday back at work – even for me and my haphazard working from home schedule – is tough.
But hey, I’m here. And actually despite the fact that it’s been a constant stream of rain since November – that’s right Guns ‘n’ Roses it’s like you’ve never been away – these early stages of 2016 aren’t looking too bleak. At least not for me anyway.
Now to reiterate – I’m not a fan of resolutions. Resolutions for me are like concrete structures that look good on paper but in reality are nothing more than overbearing grey reminders of how much you have underachieved. You can try to keep it simple – like cut back on drinking, or give up chocolate, or do more exercise – but here’s the thing, the reason you’re putting these bold expectations on yourself in January is because you failed to fulfil your life improvement last year. I’m not saying in any way that you shouldn’t try – but be prepared to fail.
And what about those resolutions to be more happy, more positive? – basically the oath that says “hey you know what I’m not really inclined to make much physical effort, so I’ll generally try not to be an ass for fifteen minutes.” I might have subscribed to this in the past, but even cutting back on my general grumpiness feels too much like hard work and actually, as I look at 2016, I’ve got bigger things to do than work on unrealistic expectations…
…This year I’ve got realistic expectations to screw up.
The big plan I have only circles around the first months of the year too – meaning either I get to take the rest of the year off, or there’s even more excitement to come (probably the latter but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). And this big event – well it’s only the bloody re-release of The Running Game.
All my life I’ve been working on getting signed by a publisher and for the past eight months I’ve been waiting for The Running Game to finally be ready. And now it almost is. I’ve signed off on the layout, received my page count, all we need now is a date. We’ve hit some bumps along the way and maybe we’ll hit a few more before the month is out – but it’s so close and I can’t wait.
As a writer, The Running Game is very special to me. To start with I’m working the rest of the series – which means it still holds my attention. But it’s also one of the pieces I am most proud of. I’ve revisited it a number of times since self-publishing in 2013 and each time I’m inspired to push the series further.
Unlike a lot of authors, I don’t remember my work off by heart. I couldn’t quote you a passage off the top of my head and I use numerous notes to remember all the details of my backstories. When I flip back to past pages I worry that I’m going to discover how poor my writing is, or read a cringe worthy piece of dialogue that will force me to give up the pen altogether. It’s happened with other books, but never The Running Game. Whenever I return to those pages, in all their stages of editing, I’m happy. Now I’m not saying it’s awesome… actually I think that is what I’m saying. And I suppose I shouldn’t be afraid of singing its praises, because when I go back I don’t see my work – I see a book I love, which is what every author should be striving towards.
I’m usually a shy, self-deprecating author. I don’t like singing my praises and squirm a little on those rare occasions other people try to do it for me. But with The Running Game, and lots of coaching from the editors, books managers, and publishers I’ve worked with, I’ve learned that underselling my work is ruining its chance of success. And this book deserves every chance of success. So if I had to make a resolution… and by had to I mean: was forced at knife point… I would say that my resolution would be not to undersell my work and abilities. There we go – a lazy and unachievable resolution – what’s yours?
But hey, I’m here. And actually despite the fact that it’s been a constant stream of rain since November – that’s right Guns ‘n’ Roses it’s like you’ve never been away – these early stages of 2016 aren’t looking too bleak. At least not for me anyway.
Now to reiterate – I’m not a fan of resolutions. Resolutions for me are like concrete structures that look good on paper but in reality are nothing more than overbearing grey reminders of how much you have underachieved. You can try to keep it simple – like cut back on drinking, or give up chocolate, or do more exercise – but here’s the thing, the reason you’re putting these bold expectations on yourself in January is because you failed to fulfil your life improvement last year. I’m not saying in any way that you shouldn’t try – but be prepared to fail.
And what about those resolutions to be more happy, more positive? – basically the oath that says “hey you know what I’m not really inclined to make much physical effort, so I’ll generally try not to be an ass for fifteen minutes.” I might have subscribed to this in the past, but even cutting back on my general grumpiness feels too much like hard work and actually, as I look at 2016, I’ve got bigger things to do than work on unrealistic expectations…
…This year I’ve got realistic expectations to screw up.
The big plan I have only circles around the first months of the year too – meaning either I get to take the rest of the year off, or there’s even more excitement to come (probably the latter but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). And this big event – well it’s only the bloody re-release of The Running Game.
All my life I’ve been working on getting signed by a publisher and for the past eight months I’ve been waiting for The Running Game to finally be ready. And now it almost is. I’ve signed off on the layout, received my page count, all we need now is a date. We’ve hit some bumps along the way and maybe we’ll hit a few more before the month is out – but it’s so close and I can’t wait.
As a writer, The Running Game is very special to me. To start with I’m working the rest of the series – which means it still holds my attention. But it’s also one of the pieces I am most proud of. I’ve revisited it a number of times since self-publishing in 2013 and each time I’m inspired to push the series further.
Unlike a lot of authors, I don’t remember my work off by heart. I couldn’t quote you a passage off the top of my head and I use numerous notes to remember all the details of my backstories. When I flip back to past pages I worry that I’m going to discover how poor my writing is, or read a cringe worthy piece of dialogue that will force me to give up the pen altogether. It’s happened with other books, but never The Running Game. Whenever I return to those pages, in all their stages of editing, I’m happy. Now I’m not saying it’s awesome… actually I think that is what I’m saying. And I suppose I shouldn’t be afraid of singing its praises, because when I go back I don’t see my work – I see a book I love, which is what every author should be striving towards.
I’m usually a shy, self-deprecating author. I don’t like singing my praises and squirm a little on those rare occasions other people try to do it for me. But with The Running Game, and lots of coaching from the editors, books managers, and publishers I’ve worked with, I’ve learned that underselling my work is ruining its chance of success. And this book deserves every chance of success. So if I had to make a resolution… and by had to I mean: was forced at knife point… I would say that my resolution would be not to undersell my work and abilities. There we go – a lazy and unachievable resolution – what’s yours?
December 21, 2015
Reachers - A Christmas Snippet
Charlie escaped into the kitchen. Between his daughter's teething screams and his wife's singing he needed a drink. He pulled a beer from the fridge as the door opened again, allowing a symphony of stress to explode into the room. He held a second beer out for his brother.
John snatched the beer and gave Charlie another disapproving look. It was the jumper - the bright reindeer was causing so much offence Charlie hadn't taken it off in two days.
He smiled cheerily at his brother and tipped the bottle to him. "To a very merry Christmas," he said.
"Bite me," John replied and downed his beer.
THE RUNNING GAME
December 14, 2015
Review Policy
Amazon are addressing their review policies when it comes to books and the internet is in uproar. Well maybe not the entire internet, but my corner – where all the struggling authors hang out – is pretty pissy about it.
This is the new policy: http://www.readersentertainment.com/blog/2015/amazons-new-review-policy/
First off, tour organisers can’t post reviews. Well I can understand this. You’re hiring someone to help you with promotion, can they really submit an unbiased review? Probably not. Besides if you’re paying them to organise a book tour, it’s their job to push advance reader copies to honest reviewers so why would you need them to provide their own review?
The idea of payment for a review, whether it’s money, gift cards, or free books, is also dubious. I’m too much of a penny pincher to even consider this as an option for obtaining reviews. I’d rather just spend my money on more books!
The interesting part of this policy is that Amazon’s super computers are going to check whether you know the author you’re reviewing. And by interesting – I mean bloody scary that this is such an issue for Amazon that they feel the need to spy on their customers to check the legitimacy of their opinions.
Two weeks ago I was sat editing, listening to 6 music and they played the new release from an artist called Astrid Williams. I’d heard the song a few times, but this was the first time I was paying attention to the name of the artist. Having a free minute I checked her out, liked what I heard and followed her on Twitter.
For me there’s nothing unusual to this. But about an hour after listening to her song and following her, this artist followed me back on Twitter and tweeted me. It was a simple message thanking me for the follow (not you know – Hey L E Fitzpatrick, I love your books etc. but still unexpected). It felt rude not to respond so I tweeted that I thought her songs were great (got a little bit fangirl to be honest) and again she tweeted back her gratitude.
Now I’m not a big tweeter so this interaction with someone I had just heard on the radio left me a little bit giddy and excitable, and also encouraged me to buy her CD – which I did from Amazon incidentally. I’ve listened to the CD, it’s pretty good and I’ll pick up more of her work after Christmas – but here’s the thing – can I review this purchase?
Technically we are connected on Twitter, not only as followers but through a brief conversation that occurred pre-purchase. In fact through a conversation that encouraged a purchase. If I left her a review (which I have done) I would be in conflict with point 5 of their policy. Amazon’s super algorithms, that apparently have the ability to hunt through our media friends lists looking for suspicious connected activity, will see our connection and scrap my genuine review. Is this fair? And surely we could use this magic ethereal power Amazon seem to have for better purposes then checking book reviews.
Furthermore, shouldn’t Amazon be encouraging artists and writers to interact with fans, prompting them to purchase their material (through Amazon if possible)? Nowadays you have to have a social media presence and be active online. The amount of times publishers and book managers have told me to be more active (seriously I break out in a sweat just thinking about it) you’d think I’d be listening to them by now. But this activity now has the potential to shoot you in the foot and rob you of reviews that are genuine from fans that you have connected with and worked hard to get. Friending them might get you a purchaser for life – but not a purchaser that Amazon will recognise as genuine.
What a conundrum we find ourselves in. But it also got me thinking of reviews in general and why this is an issue for Amazon and for authors.
Initially when I self-published The Running Game I wanted the feedback – but reviews are not feedback, nor should authors look at them as feedback. If you want feedback for your work get it out to a beta reader first, that way you can correct problems. Don’t rely on reviewers to do that for you – otherwise you’ll be stuck with a rubbish review for life and a reader who won’t pick up your work again. Others look at reviews as promotional potential. “Hey look at The Running Game, I’ve got 30 reviews all of them 3 stars and up.”
But do readers care about reviews? I’m a reader and when it comes to books I know what I like. One of my favourite books is Black Angel by John Connolly. On Amazon.com this book has 103 reviews. 8% of these reviews are 2 stars or less. A one star review said:">I've read some silly books in my time, but this one takes the biscuit!” Apart from wanting to hunt this bastard reviewer down from having no taste (remember crazy fangirl here), this review/reviewer means nothing to me as a reader. A 5 star reviewer, commenting: “This is one of the best books in the series” also means nothing to me. I don’t know these people and clearly they both have widely different reviews about the same book. Which one is right?
This is the new policy: http://www.readersentertainment.com/blog/2015/amazons-new-review-policy/
First off, tour organisers can’t post reviews. Well I can understand this. You’re hiring someone to help you with promotion, can they really submit an unbiased review? Probably not. Besides if you’re paying them to organise a book tour, it’s their job to push advance reader copies to honest reviewers so why would you need them to provide their own review?
The idea of payment for a review, whether it’s money, gift cards, or free books, is also dubious. I’m too much of a penny pincher to even consider this as an option for obtaining reviews. I’d rather just spend my money on more books!
The interesting part of this policy is that Amazon’s super computers are going to check whether you know the author you’re reviewing. And by interesting – I mean bloody scary that this is such an issue for Amazon that they feel the need to spy on their customers to check the legitimacy of their opinions.
Two weeks ago I was sat editing, listening to 6 music and they played the new release from an artist called Astrid Williams. I’d heard the song a few times, but this was the first time I was paying attention to the name of the artist. Having a free minute I checked her out, liked what I heard and followed her on Twitter.
For me there’s nothing unusual to this. But about an hour after listening to her song and following her, this artist followed me back on Twitter and tweeted me. It was a simple message thanking me for the follow (not you know – Hey L E Fitzpatrick, I love your books etc. but still unexpected). It felt rude not to respond so I tweeted that I thought her songs were great (got a little bit fangirl to be honest) and again she tweeted back her gratitude.
Now I’m not a big tweeter so this interaction with someone I had just heard on the radio left me a little bit giddy and excitable, and also encouraged me to buy her CD – which I did from Amazon incidentally. I’ve listened to the CD, it’s pretty good and I’ll pick up more of her work after Christmas – but here’s the thing – can I review this purchase?
Technically we are connected on Twitter, not only as followers but through a brief conversation that occurred pre-purchase. In fact through a conversation that encouraged a purchase. If I left her a review (which I have done) I would be in conflict with point 5 of their policy. Amazon’s super algorithms, that apparently have the ability to hunt through our media friends lists looking for suspicious connected activity, will see our connection and scrap my genuine review. Is this fair? And surely we could use this magic ethereal power Amazon seem to have for better purposes then checking book reviews.
Furthermore, shouldn’t Amazon be encouraging artists and writers to interact with fans, prompting them to purchase their material (through Amazon if possible)? Nowadays you have to have a social media presence and be active online. The amount of times publishers and book managers have told me to be more active (seriously I break out in a sweat just thinking about it) you’d think I’d be listening to them by now. But this activity now has the potential to shoot you in the foot and rob you of reviews that are genuine from fans that you have connected with and worked hard to get. Friending them might get you a purchaser for life – but not a purchaser that Amazon will recognise as genuine.
What a conundrum we find ourselves in. But it also got me thinking of reviews in general and why this is an issue for Amazon and for authors.
Initially when I self-published The Running Game I wanted the feedback – but reviews are not feedback, nor should authors look at them as feedback. If you want feedback for your work get it out to a beta reader first, that way you can correct problems. Don’t rely on reviewers to do that for you – otherwise you’ll be stuck with a rubbish review for life and a reader who won’t pick up your work again. Others look at reviews as promotional potential. “Hey look at The Running Game, I’ve got 30 reviews all of them 3 stars and up.”
But do readers care about reviews? I’m a reader and when it comes to books I know what I like. One of my favourite books is Black Angel by John Connolly. On Amazon.com this book has 103 reviews. 8% of these reviews are 2 stars or less. A one star review said:">I've read some silly books in my time, but this one takes the biscuit!” Apart from wanting to hunt this bastard reviewer down from having no taste (remember crazy fangirl here), this review/reviewer means nothing to me as a reader. A 5 star reviewer, commenting: “This is one of the best books in the series” also means nothing to me. I don’t know these people and clearly they both have widely different reviews about the same book. Which one is right?
December 7, 2015
Monday Motivation
I’ve very recently given up my adult life and retreated into the literary world full time. This has been a dream of mine for a number of years and although the timing of the transition was more rushed than I had wanted, I’m now settled into a new life full time writer and editor.
Working from home full time is one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had. Having gone from 12 years in a populated office – I’m now here on my own (apart from a needy Staffordshire Bull Terrier and 6 Music) for the better part of the day. In fact I was so worried about going a bit... shall we say odd?... that I found a job doing a couple of nights a week in a local restaurant in case I forgot what it was like to converse with people.
But the hardest thing about working from home isn't the mad rushes, or the isolation - it's the motivation. I’m my own boss and that means I’m answerable to myself. If I have a deadline to meet motivation is easy, but those quiet days have the potential for disaster.
I start work at 9.00 am every day, but what I’m working on varies from one day to the next depending on what I’ve got going on. This doesn’t seem that unusual apart from the fact that I now have to think in advance about what work I’ve got coming in and how I can spread it over the weeks. Like, for instance, keeping a regular blog post, which I’ve sort of committed to keep going on a Monday.
I'd scribbled a little post that bears some resemblance to this one on Wednesday. But that was before I got a rush of editing jobs and my own book back from my editor. Suddenly it's panic stations and this little blog nearly got forgotten about. But hey, I'm here, I made it. Motivation and commitment, that's all it really takes to keep pressing forward. And coffee. That helps too.
Working from home full time is one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had. Having gone from 12 years in a populated office – I’m now here on my own (apart from a needy Staffordshire Bull Terrier and 6 Music) for the better part of the day. In fact I was so worried about going a bit... shall we say odd?... that I found a job doing a couple of nights a week in a local restaurant in case I forgot what it was like to converse with people.
But the hardest thing about working from home isn't the mad rushes, or the isolation - it's the motivation. I’m my own boss and that means I’m answerable to myself. If I have a deadline to meet motivation is easy, but those quiet days have the potential for disaster.
I start work at 9.00 am every day, but what I’m working on varies from one day to the next depending on what I’ve got going on. This doesn’t seem that unusual apart from the fact that I now have to think in advance about what work I’ve got coming in and how I can spread it over the weeks. Like, for instance, keeping a regular blog post, which I’ve sort of committed to keep going on a Monday.
I'd scribbled a little post that bears some resemblance to this one on Wednesday. But that was before I got a rush of editing jobs and my own book back from my editor. Suddenly it's panic stations and this little blog nearly got forgotten about. But hey, I'm here, I made it. Motivation and commitment, that's all it really takes to keep pressing forward. And coffee. That helps too.
November 30, 2015
An Important Update
The computer whirs into life. A warning beep sounds, drawing the user cautiously to the screen.
YOU MUST PERFORM AN IMMEDIATE UPDATE. CLICK TO PROCEED.
The user, compelled by the immediacy of the message clicks, curious and even hopeful at the wonders this new update could bring.
THIS DOWNLOAD MAY TAKE UP TO 20 MINS TO COMPLETE
Two hours later the user suspects that perhaps the computer’s clock is faulty, or has an inability to differentiate between minutes and hours. He waits a further two hours – ever the optimist – but it’s nearing midnight and the download bar hasn’t moved. He switched the machine off, but the button will not engage so he’s forced to remove the battery, a list of important documents already running through his mind as he faces the prospect that this could be it.
The computer reboots…
THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR RECENT UPDATE. WINDOWS IS RESETTING TO THE LAST SAVED SETTINGS.
The user frowns. “Your recent update?” Sitting back in his chair the user blames himself, clearly the download available was not for his computer – has he stolen someone else’s? Has he cause irrevocable damage to his computer? Will he have to take it to the tech guys? He swallows. If he takes it to the tech guys will they discover his browser history?
Suddenly his start page kicks open. Everything is there. Everything is safe. It’s four in the morning but at least he can sleep easy now. Then a small window pops up in the right hand corner of his screen.
YOU MUST PERFORM AN IMMEDIATE UPDATE. CLICK TO PROCEED.
His mouse hovers over the curser.
I love computers in the same way that I love butter – there’s a lot wrong with butter but my bread just couldn’t do without it. The same thing with computers. I can’t do any of the things that I enjoy – writing, streaming, watching cats fall into bins – as well without my trusty laptop. But despite this love, me and the old laptop (and it is an old laptop because I get quite attached to these things) are starting to hit a few disagreements.
Actually that’s not really fair. The laptop that sits on my chair arm most days, risking regular assault from children and animals, is still my old faithful. But unfortunately it’s succumbing to the perpetual insistence from Microsoft to update Windows 8.1 and join the dark side.
My issues with this are very straightforward. Firstly – if Microsoft 98 was still compatible with the world I’d still be using it. Secondly – while bleary eyed one night I accidentally downloaded Windows 8.1 (I now appreciate how easy it must therefore be to download all kinds of illicit material unknowingly on your computer). This download commandeered and then crashed my computer. Not only that but I was only to discover this catastrophe ten minutes before I was supposed to attend an online book event (I infinitely prefer online events because attending in them in my PJ’s raises less eyebrows). It took a night of watching the computer struggle through restore, hoping that something of my unfinished novels remain. And then afterwards, when all was righted (and I had paid a ridiculous sum to put Microsoft Word back on my computer) the bloody download was offered again.
Given that my computer can select adverts based on my browser history, given that it can remember my passwords, user names and postcodes so I never have to use my brain again, why it can’t remember the two hour long stream of profanity I shouted at it while it failed to reboot? Not only does it forget but it continues to offer me this update, full of the implication that I am not only missing out but need to perform this update before the world surely ends and takes all historical programming with it.
Well no. I’d be so strong as to say fuck you Microsoft. You’ve removed my drop down menus, you’ve removed my print icons and you have tried, but failed, to remove my start button (that’s right I’ve got that sucker back!). You will not transform this computer into a beacon of online entertainment for my convenience. If you have to do something to make my life better then work out a way to hook this baby up to a coffee machine and a remote control car so I can have uninterrupted feeds of cats falling into bins. Until you can do that, piss off and mind your own business. If I need you I’ll call you and likely pay a fortune for the privilege.
YOU MUST PERFORM AN IMMEDIATE UPDATE. CLICK TO PROCEED.
The user, compelled by the immediacy of the message clicks, curious and even hopeful at the wonders this new update could bring.
THIS DOWNLOAD MAY TAKE UP TO 20 MINS TO COMPLETE
Two hours later the user suspects that perhaps the computer’s clock is faulty, or has an inability to differentiate between minutes and hours. He waits a further two hours – ever the optimist – but it’s nearing midnight and the download bar hasn’t moved. He switched the machine off, but the button will not engage so he’s forced to remove the battery, a list of important documents already running through his mind as he faces the prospect that this could be it.
The computer reboots…
THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR RECENT UPDATE. WINDOWS IS RESETTING TO THE LAST SAVED SETTINGS.
The user frowns. “Your recent update?” Sitting back in his chair the user blames himself, clearly the download available was not for his computer – has he stolen someone else’s? Has he cause irrevocable damage to his computer? Will he have to take it to the tech guys? He swallows. If he takes it to the tech guys will they discover his browser history?
Suddenly his start page kicks open. Everything is there. Everything is safe. It’s four in the morning but at least he can sleep easy now. Then a small window pops up in the right hand corner of his screen.
YOU MUST PERFORM AN IMMEDIATE UPDATE. CLICK TO PROCEED.
His mouse hovers over the curser.
I love computers in the same way that I love butter – there’s a lot wrong with butter but my bread just couldn’t do without it. The same thing with computers. I can’t do any of the things that I enjoy – writing, streaming, watching cats fall into bins – as well without my trusty laptop. But despite this love, me and the old laptop (and it is an old laptop because I get quite attached to these things) are starting to hit a few disagreements.
Actually that’s not really fair. The laptop that sits on my chair arm most days, risking regular assault from children and animals, is still my old faithful. But unfortunately it’s succumbing to the perpetual insistence from Microsoft to update Windows 8.1 and join the dark side.
My issues with this are very straightforward. Firstly – if Microsoft 98 was still compatible with the world I’d still be using it. Secondly – while bleary eyed one night I accidentally downloaded Windows 8.1 (I now appreciate how easy it must therefore be to download all kinds of illicit material unknowingly on your computer). This download commandeered and then crashed my computer. Not only that but I was only to discover this catastrophe ten minutes before I was supposed to attend an online book event (I infinitely prefer online events because attending in them in my PJ’s raises less eyebrows). It took a night of watching the computer struggle through restore, hoping that something of my unfinished novels remain. And then afterwards, when all was righted (and I had paid a ridiculous sum to put Microsoft Word back on my computer) the bloody download was offered again.
Given that my computer can select adverts based on my browser history, given that it can remember my passwords, user names and postcodes so I never have to use my brain again, why it can’t remember the two hour long stream of profanity I shouted at it while it failed to reboot? Not only does it forget but it continues to offer me this update, full of the implication that I am not only missing out but need to perform this update before the world surely ends and takes all historical programming with it.
Well no. I’d be so strong as to say fuck you Microsoft. You’ve removed my drop down menus, you’ve removed my print icons and you have tried, but failed, to remove my start button (that’s right I’ve got that sucker back!). You will not transform this computer into a beacon of online entertainment for my convenience. If you have to do something to make my life better then work out a way to hook this baby up to a coffee machine and a remote control car so I can have uninterrupted feeds of cats falling into bins. Until you can do that, piss off and mind your own business. If I need you I’ll call you and likely pay a fortune for the privilege.
