C.K. Edwards's Blog, page 6
June 30, 2015
Pocket Hole free for two days
Yesterday, Pocket Hole was free for the next three days.
But one minus three. You know.
So, free for the next two days. Bobby Bob is of the opinion that if you didn't get Pocket Hole yesterday, you should get it today.
But one minus three. You know.
So, free for the next two days. Bobby Bob is of the opinion that if you didn't get Pocket Hole yesterday, you should get it today.
June 29, 2015
Pocket Hole free for three days
For the luv. Here are some questions you should ask yourself.Giant star-nosed moles - what do they smell like?
If you ever run into a galbog should you touch the cone on its head?
Why are all dentists from Scipio?
All important questions that are answered in Pocket Hole . Don't delay any longer. You can download this book for free the next three days. Did I say don't delay? I don't know, I can't spare the time to read what I've written above. Hurry!
June 26, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - just another broken promise
Riding home on the train today holding an umbrella I didn't use once. Even though the weatherman said it would rain today and I should pack my umbrella.
Just another broken promise.
Like that time when Jocellyn told me she would wait for me when I went off to war.
But she didn't.
Because she died.
Just another broken promise . . . eh.
Just another broken promise.
Like that time when Jocellyn told me she would wait for me when I went off to war.
But she didn't.
Because she died.
Just another broken promise . . . eh.
June 22, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - so, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that
Scientists always seem to get credit when they invent something.
The same isn't true for master chefs. I mean, sure, Mildred Day's name is often bandied about how maybe she invented rice krispie treats way back in 1939, but I knew Mildred. She totally hated marshmallows.
And you can darn well be sure it wasn't Snap, Crackle, or Pop. They're just animated characters.
But you know, if animated characters could do things like invent stuff I still wouldn't put my money on them. I'd say it was probably Count Chocula. He's got that big castle, you know? And what do all castles have? Big kitchens and big libraries.
Big libraries have lots of cookbooks, and I'll bet Count Chocula uses his big kitchen all the time. Now his cereal sucks so he's for sure not eating that. I don't think it's too far a stretch from there to say he probably invented rice krispie treats.
And he didn't get any credit. It's sad.
So, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that . . . eh.
The same isn't true for master chefs. I mean, sure, Mildred Day's name is often bandied about how maybe she invented rice krispie treats way back in 1939, but I knew Mildred. She totally hated marshmallows.
And you can darn well be sure it wasn't Snap, Crackle, or Pop. They're just animated characters.
But you know, if animated characters could do things like invent stuff I still wouldn't put my money on them. I'd say it was probably Count Chocula. He's got that big castle, you know? And what do all castles have? Big kitchens and big libraries.
Big libraries have lots of cookbooks, and I'll bet Count Chocula uses his big kitchen all the time. Now his cereal sucks so he's for sure not eating that. I don't think it's too far a stretch from there to say he probably invented rice krispie treats.
And he didn't get any credit. It's sad.
So, did the guy who invented rice krispie treats ever make any money from that . . . eh.
June 19, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats
No standard clickety-clack today but a drumbeat, and I can't think this difference anything but ominous as it builds and recedes between stops, a hardly heard promise of approaching armies, invaders that will more than pillage, alien men and alien minds their dark ways to learn, their dark tongue confess, learn, speak, their thoughts embrace and then understand.
Those around me now on this train, can they hear it? The drum. The beating drum. The voice in the wilderness announcing the approaching end.
Or it could be just a loose axle brush. I've heard a loose axle brush can make that sound too.
Sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats . . . eh.
Those around me now on this train, can they hear it? The drum. The beating drum. The voice in the wilderness announcing the approaching end.
Or it could be just a loose axle brush. I've heard a loose axle brush can make that sound too.
Sometimes the wheels on my train sound like drum beats . . . eh.
June 17, 2015
That dream about pecs
There was that dream where for the first time in my life I looked down and I had defined pectorals, and usually you have to work out to get those but I had gotten surgery and it's not that there is anything wrong with that but instead of filling the bags with silicone the pec bags were filed with Kentucky Fried chicken and in the dream I was really hungry and the nearest fast food restaurant was more than a block away but there and right in front of me were two bags of the Colonel's finest and don't hate me, though in the end I was kind of disappointed because the doctors had filled both bags with extra crispy instead of original and there wasn't a single wing.
June 15, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - a guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes
Not the 9mm. The 9mm does not explode. The watermelon does.
And the guy was right. Kind of. The watermelon doesn't actually explode so much as blow apart. Not as impressive, really, which makes me wonder - what would it be like if Michael Bay had created the universe?
Part of me is kind of sad watermelons don't explode like mini super novas when you shoot them with a 9mm, but if Michael Bay had created the universe can you imagine how scary that would be? Things could explode for just about any reason. Let me correct that. Things could explode for any reason.
Just brushing your teeth would be treacherous. Open the medicine cabinet and - is that toothpaste in the tube or plastic explosive? That dog you just kicked, is it a chihuahua or a decepticon? That rumble in the floor, is that a passing train or is it the precursor to the first of eight earthquakes that will all register 8 on the richter scale so that when the movie is made it can say something like "And on the eighth day Bay said it wasn't good!"
Yeah, now that I think about it, I'm glad watermelons just kind of blow apart.
A guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes . . .eh.
And the guy was right. Kind of. The watermelon doesn't actually explode so much as blow apart. Not as impressive, really, which makes me wonder - what would it be like if Michael Bay had created the universe?
Part of me is kind of sad watermelons don't explode like mini super novas when you shoot them with a 9mm, but if Michael Bay had created the universe can you imagine how scary that would be? Things could explode for just about any reason. Let me correct that. Things could explode for any reason.
Just brushing your teeth would be treacherous. Open the medicine cabinet and - is that toothpaste in the tube or plastic explosive? That dog you just kicked, is it a chihuahua or a decepticon? That rumble in the floor, is that a passing train or is it the precursor to the first of eight earthquakes that will all register 8 on the richter scale so that when the movie is made it can say something like "And on the eighth day Bay said it wasn't good!"
Yeah, now that I think about it, I'm glad watermelons just kind of blow apart.
A guy told me that when you shoot a watermelon with a 9mm it explodes . . .eh.
June 12, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - forget about having a distinctive smell
Some guys are all about smelling the same way all the time. You know, they buy the same deodorant, the same cologn or aftershave. People who know them are comforted by the sameness, the sense that the person they know is encapsulated by an odor that surrounds them like invisible moths.
My dad is an Old Spice guy. Father's Day has always been a cake walk with him. For myself, I prefer to mix it up. More than that, I like to be a little strange.
On a Monday, maybe I'll choose Play-Doh as a scent. You can really buy that. Look it up. It comes in a bottle and everything. And that's nice, but something you can pour out of a bottle is too easy. If I do Play-Doh on Monday then I'll do something like Taco Time Mexi-fries on Tuesday. That's harder than it sounds. You can't just eat a bag of Mexi-fries and call it good. You can't let your breath do all the work, that's cheating. No, your whole body has to smell like Taco Time Mexi-fries. Your whole freaking body!
I make a soap.
The number of smells available to you when you embrace the rejection of distinctive smell is only limited by your imagination. Summertime Storm is nice, but so is New Car or Rodeo Clown. On Saturdays I like to get really crazy, so if you see me on a Saturday you might smell Burnt Asparagus or Lunchroom Corn.
Yeah, when I was in high school Elsha was all the rage. I've moved on.
Forget about having a distinctive smell . . . eh.
My dad is an Old Spice guy. Father's Day has always been a cake walk with him. For myself, I prefer to mix it up. More than that, I like to be a little strange.
On a Monday, maybe I'll choose Play-Doh as a scent. You can really buy that. Look it up. It comes in a bottle and everything. And that's nice, but something you can pour out of a bottle is too easy. If I do Play-Doh on Monday then I'll do something like Taco Time Mexi-fries on Tuesday. That's harder than it sounds. You can't just eat a bag of Mexi-fries and call it good. You can't let your breath do all the work, that's cheating. No, your whole body has to smell like Taco Time Mexi-fries. Your whole freaking body!
I make a soap.
The number of smells available to you when you embrace the rejection of distinctive smell is only limited by your imagination. Summertime Storm is nice, but so is New Car or Rodeo Clown. On Saturdays I like to get really crazy, so if you see me on a Saturday you might smell Burnt Asparagus or Lunchroom Corn.
Yeah, when I was in high school Elsha was all the rage. I've moved on.
Forget about having a distinctive smell . . . eh.
June 10, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - I still prefer a book
Despite all the electronic options out there today, I still prefer a book.
Mostly because of the prophecy.
Some people like the feel of paper pages on their fingers, the easy sense of where you are in a story. Or like Shoeless Joe it's the smell, but not of grass, with books it's the smell of old paper, of print that has spent too much time stacked next to others of its ilk. It is the view of books on the shelf, memorials to a reading history. It is sitting next to man you can see is reading one of your past loves. You don't interrupt but in him you sense a kindred spirit. It is the history of the page, the reality that words have lived on paper for all remembered time. Some people prefer books for these reasons, but yeah, for me I like books because of the prophecy.
I mean, it has to be real. That old woman had totally legit fortuneteller written all over her. So all I have to do is have a book in my coat pocket when that fake Elvis shoots me because he thinks I stole his spot on the Strip. The book will stop the bullet and Jason Statham who happens to be nearby will be so impressed he'll ask me to be in his next movie. And I'll win the lottery the next day. I'll be set. The old woman described all this in detail.
Bummer about the alien invasion though.
I still prefer a book . . . eh.
Mostly because of the prophecy.
Some people like the feel of paper pages on their fingers, the easy sense of where you are in a story. Or like Shoeless Joe it's the smell, but not of grass, with books it's the smell of old paper, of print that has spent too much time stacked next to others of its ilk. It is the view of books on the shelf, memorials to a reading history. It is sitting next to man you can see is reading one of your past loves. You don't interrupt but in him you sense a kindred spirit. It is the history of the page, the reality that words have lived on paper for all remembered time. Some people prefer books for these reasons, but yeah, for me I like books because of the prophecy.
I mean, it has to be real. That old woman had totally legit fortuneteller written all over her. So all I have to do is have a book in my coat pocket when that fake Elvis shoots me because he thinks I stole his spot on the Strip. The book will stop the bullet and Jason Statham who happens to be nearby will be so impressed he'll ask me to be in his next movie. And I'll win the lottery the next day. I'll be set. The old woman described all this in detail.
Bummer about the alien invasion though.
I still prefer a book . . . eh.
June 9, 2015
Murderous rage
I saw a flyer just a few minutes ago that said "Drive Your Engagement."
I, um . . . what?
I guess the intended meaning of that statement was "Take Charge of Your Life," or something like that, but it didn't say "Take Charge of Your Life." It said "Drive Your Engagement."
The flyer nearly sent me into a murderous rage.
"Drive" and "Engage" are probably power words that you can learn about in college. The goal is to find some way of combining power words on a flyer that make the flyer become a "Power Flyer."
I suspect there is some organization out there that hands out awards for the creative use of power word combinations. There's a dinner in a major city once a year or once a quarter and marketing types flock from all corners of the world to see who the hot new word shitters are. Pardon my French.
Well, writing these few words has helped. I'm calm. I've done my serenity now until the next time.
I, um . . . what?
I guess the intended meaning of that statement was "Take Charge of Your Life," or something like that, but it didn't say "Take Charge of Your Life." It said "Drive Your Engagement."
The flyer nearly sent me into a murderous rage.
"Drive" and "Engage" are probably power words that you can learn about in college. The goal is to find some way of combining power words on a flyer that make the flyer become a "Power Flyer."
I suspect there is some organization out there that hands out awards for the creative use of power word combinations. There's a dinner in a major city once a year or once a quarter and marketing types flock from all corners of the world to see who the hot new word shitters are. Pardon my French.
Well, writing these few words has helped. I'm calm. I've done my serenity now until the next time.
