Brian Keene's Blog, page 115

My Current Thoughts on Comics

(Inspired by everything from the #FireRickRemender nonsense to the ever-deepening malaise caused by creatively bankrupt crossover crap that is increasingly being foisted upon readers).

That moment when the latest comic book social outrage nonsense happily reminds you for the 500th time of why you quit comics as a creator.

— BrianKeene (@BrianKeene) July 7, 2014

. @Reckoner67 I've loved comics since I was 6. But at 46, I find my joy and delight irrevocably crushed by idiocy from both pros and fans.

— BrianKeene (@BrianKeene) July 7, 2014

To clarify: I loved working with @AntarcticPress and would do again. But mainstream? I'd rather drag my balls across a mile of broken glass.

— BrianKeene (@BrianKeene) July 7, 2014

"Here! Spend 6 weeks rewriting this pitch 600 times because the marketing team has a say in editorial" is not conducive to creativity.

— BrianKeene (@BrianKeene) July 7, 2014

"I don't like how this fictional character behaved so I will send death threats to the writer" is also not conducive to creativity.

— BrianKeene (@BrianKeene) July 7, 2014

You want to fix mainstream comics? Stop buying them. And then, when they look up and shout "Save us", channel Rorschach and whisper "No."

— BrianKeene (@BrianKeene) July 7, 2014

Let Brian Keene Babysit Your Child

Well, not quite. But next Tuesday, July 8th, I’ll be speaking to children at Glatfelter Memorial Library, 101 Glenview Road, Spring Grove, PA 17362 as part of their Summer Reading Program. Any child is welcome to attend (and you are welcome to attend with them). I’ll be talking about the importance of reading and writing, and explaining to the kids how to go about getting a job as a writer when they grow up. The event starts at 1pm sharp. For more information, contact Erica Hamilton at 717-793-7206 or the library at 225-3220. Please note: this event is for kids. Don’t show up without a kid, because that’s sort of creepy. But if you have a kid who’s interested in becoming a writer, or you just wish your kids would read more, then I hope to see you there.

New Reader Orientation

(Being a semi-quarterly introductory post to get new readers up to speed).

My name is Brian Keene. I am an award-winning, best-selling horror novelist. I also write comic books and other things for money. You can find a complete list of my books here, and a complete list of my comic books here. Currently, I am working on a novel (Hole in the World), a collection (Apocrypha), a novella (King of the Bastards), and two short stories (one of which is for a forthcoming X-Files book). Here is a list of Frequently Asked Questions that I encourage you to read. The best way to reach me is via Twitter, which I monitor 24/7. Email and Facebook are terrible ways to contact me, and your message is almost sure to get lost in the deluge. I have a Tumblr, which will become the focus of a micro-blogging experiment beginning tomorrow. I am also on Pinterest, Goodreads, Google+, Instagram, Vine, and many more. Links to all of those social media sites can be found here. I have a message board which I currently can’t access because of a glitch with my account, and I can’t set up a new account without losing Admin status. But you can visit it if you like. Tell everyone there I said “Hi.” I also have a free email newsletter which goes out once a month. You can sign up for it by following me on WhoSay and then choosing the option that allows me to email you. (One of those will be going out tomorrow — 7/4/2014 — in fact).

LEVI STOLTZFUS: THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Occult detective Levi Stoltzfus is back, and in his strangest, most dangerous case yet — involving a possessed witching tree, a bargain with a demon, a humanoid cryptid stalking Levi’s hometown, a group of ruthless mercenaries, and a global conglomerate intent upon establishing a new world order. And unless Levi unravels the conspiracy, it’s all just a precursor to the end of the world, the universe, and reality itself.

LAST OF THE ALBATWITCHES

Deadite Press

Paperback and e-book

Coming Soon

Don’t miss these other books in the Levi Stoltzfus series (click the image to order)

Nickolaus Pacione – Concert Promoter

Nickolaus Pacione is a mentally-ill man from Illinois who fancies himself a writer and publisher. Over the past decade, he has stalked, harassed, or threatened over four dozen professional authors including (but not limited to) myself, Cherie Priest, Ramsey Campbell, Mary SanGiovanni, Kealan Patrick Burke, Angelina Hawkes-Craig, Darren McKeeman, Poppy Brite, Ray Garton, Christine Morgan, David Niall Wilson, and many more. In recent years, he has also begun to target minors. Although his threats never progress beyond his basement, they are a source of annoyance and aggravation for many of his victims, and have earned him numerous visits from various law enforcement agencies, as well as several involuntary stays in mental health facilities. Unfortunately, like herpes, he always comes back. And also unfortunately, there is always some well-meaning or kind-hearted person who is not aware of Pacione’s abusiveness, which is why I run these quarterly public service announcements (given his penchant for befriending people on social media and then stalking or harassing people from their friend lists).

And now, having utterly failed as a writer and being exposed as a publisher who doesn’t pay his contributors and prints work without the author’s permission, Pacione has decided to reinvent himself as a concert promoter.

His official announcement:

MC’ing Heavy Metal Shows: My Rider

Those of you who are promoters in Chicago want me to host a live show — I do have a rider this is rather easy too if you can get everything together. I ask for a $190 guarantee for out of state gigs and if you bring a Chicago band in and have me host — you must have someone help me get to the area because I can’t drive. Don’t offer me any alcohol during the show — I refuse to drink on stage when hosting a band or introducing them. When I hosted my friends Neutral Red — I was puking my guts up because my nerves were off the scale. One thing to keep around is a coffee maker; and a lot of coffee. If you can get Tourniquet’s coffee for the show I never had this and those who knew me back when I was 18-19 years old I was drinking as much coffee as Metallica when they drank vodka. The coffee mug if you can grab one — try find a mug based upon H. P. Lovecraft or Edgar Allan Poe, if you can’t get the coffee then two six packs of 24 oz Coke and six cans of Monster Java. I drink the latter on stage when I am introducing a band and helps me relax when I am nervous for friends who never played Chicago. The guarantee pays for both me and the out of state’s food bill and in some ways pays for my hostel dorm in the city. The guarantee have that sent to my paypal.com account and I will get things going — I would sign a few anthologies during the meet and greet so keep room for me to bring in anthologies and what not or if the anthology is pre-signed I will be happy to do a Q&A. Italian Beef or Gyros (this is a Chicago era that is,) if outside of Illinois — find a fast food Italian place so I can have a plate of spaghetti. If you know anywhere you can get street food that’s ideal for me because that’s what I live on when I am traveling around. I am kind of like Anthony from No Reservations in this sense. I don’t go to tourist traps. If you have me in for a few days — please tell me where I can get easy access to a movie theater (if outside of Chicago that is. In the City I would go to The Showplace on the South Side.)

And my official translation:

If you manage a club or concert hall featuring live heavy metal music, and would like a misogynistic, racist, homophobic, deranged squirrel with a voice like Alvin the chipmunk after a tracheotomy to introduce the bands, here are the terms.

1. It’s free if your club is in Chicago. Anywhere else, there is an appearance fee of $190.

2. Plus travel fare because he doesn’t drive.

3. Plus Tourniquet coffee, because he’s never tried it and would like you to pay for it.

4. Plus a coffee mug featuring the likeness of either H.P. Lovecraft or Edgar Allan Poe.

5. Plus two six-packs of 24oz Coke and six cans of Monster Java because these help him relax.

6. But you don’t have to buy his food or the band’s food, because the $190 appearance fee is paying for that.

7. But you do have to provide a place that serves Italian Beef, Gyros, or “a plate of spaghetti” in which he can spend that $190.

8. And also provide a place to sign anthologies.

9. And also provide directions to the nearest movie theater.

And if you still aren’t convinced, have a look at this.

Because that’s exactly what you want careening around on stage before the band plays.

In his announcement, Pacione mentions “hosting his friends Neutral Red”. What this means is he conned his way onstage before the band played. Thanks to the internet, we have two eyewitness accounts of what happened next.

An audience member reported (sic): “it was pretty quick yet painful last night. in the minute or so he was up there he rambled on about something so fucking fast you could hear the crowd going “huh?” he moved one of his arms up at one point causing his concert shirt to pull up over his fat gut which made half the people cheer the other yell “ew” and gross. some chick laughed at that point loud enough to make others and it made him stutter a little more before he finished his spiel and got off the stage. didnt see them attack him though. oh someone yelled that he got the wrong size shirt which made people laugh too but I think he missed it. he was pretty nervous and shakey. and short and fat.”

And a member of Neutral Red added (sic): “pacione did some screaming into the mic (something we asked him to not do – he responded with something about “pumping the crowd up”), which clipped the board, promptly pissing the sound guy off. we then had to quickly explain that it was not us doing the screaming in an attempt to keep the sound guy from giving us the “P.A. fuck” as to which it is somtimes referred.”

So, there you go.

(Special thanks to “L”, “Al Uylik”, and our friends at The Rusty Nail, who helped with this report)

OB IS MY CO-PILOT

Sale this week on all exclusive ‘OB IS MY CO-PILOT’ shirts, mugs, shot glasses and whiskey flasks. They’ve only been marked up $1.00. Click here to peruse all items.

Countdown to SCARES THAT CARE WEEKEND

July 26 – 28 – Williamsburg, VA – All Proceeds Go To Charity! – JOIN US!

Click here for details and full guest list – Celebrity Guests Include…

What Was I Thinking?

Copyright 2014 by John Urbancik.

Dark Fantasy author John Urbancik, who is one of my closest friends, took this pic of me one morning in Portland six weeks ago. A few hours after it was taken, I was presented with the Grand Master Award. (You can read a transcript of my acceptance speech here). John told me I could use it for my new publicity photo, and I will, since my last official publicity photo was taken when the movie version of GHOUL came out, and I’ve changed a bit since then (the beard for starters).

I posted the pic on social media yesterday, and a number of people on Facebook, Twitter, Whosay, and elsewhere asked me what I was thinking when John snapped the shot. Well, I’ll tell you what I was thinking…

I was thinking about money, and how it fluctuates, and how royalty checks and advances are like dipping your hands in a mountain stream. I was thinking about how your cupped hands are initially full, and so is your belly as you take a deep drink, but very quickly, the water slips between your fingers, leaving your hands empty. And soon enough, your belly is empty, too. I was thinking about how writers get paid, and how financial security seems to elude the vast majority of us. I was thinking about whether or not I could afford to take my girlfriend out to eat after I got the award that night. I was thinking that it was time to re-think how I’m doing business, and actually start doing business again.

I was thinking about the group of writers I started out with, and who was still around, and who wasn’t, and who had made it, and who hadn’t, and if there was anything else I could do to help those who hadn’t, and if so, what. I was thinking about the peculiar form of guilt that comes with success, and how you can pull for others until your fingers bleed, but at the end of the day, it’s up to them and luck. I was thinking that you cannot control luck and you cannot control others, but you can control your own misplaced guilt, and decide that you’re allowed to be happy with what you’ve accomplished.

I was thinking about those accomplishments, and how my son and his mother and my peers and my friends and my girlfriend and my girlfriend’s family had all said how proud they were of my accomplishments, and the award, but that the people who I’d wanted to hear it from the most made their indifference clear, and how that sucked. And then I thought about how I’m 46-years old, and I’ve already written GHOUL, so fuck that noise. I was thinking you can be a disappointment to others, as long as you’re not a disappointment to yourself.

I was thinking about how it had been a very long time since I’d written a full novel. I was thinking about how the last full novel was ENTOMBED, and that was written in 2009. I was thinking about how CLICKERS VS. ZOMBIES, THE DAMNED HIGHWAY, and SIXTY-FIVE STIRRUP IRON ROAD didn’t count, because I didn’t write them by myself. I was thinking about how five-years worth of nonsense, starting with a heart attack, a divorce, and the epic Dorchester clusterfuck and ending most recently with more health problems and an uninhabitable post-storm home and a very-real case of PTSD, had really wreaked havoc on not only my ability to write, but on my confidence overall. I was thinking about how I focused on getting the backlist back into print again, and tried my hand at producing a movie, and writing comic books, all in an effort to lie to myself that I was busy with other things, when the truth was, I was meant to be writing novels. I was thinking about how I’d failed to heed my own advice, given time and time again, about writer’s block, and how it’s nothing more than an excuse, and yeah, maybe the excuse was I felt washed up and tired and didn’t have the drive to do it anymore, but fuck that noise, they’re giving me a Grand Master Award, and a few moments ago I was thinking about how it would be nice to not be broke for a change, so maybe I’d better face down my fucking fears and start typing some shit again. I was thinking about getting home, and tackling things realistically, and getting out from under a few deadlines (done), and then taking care of manuscripts and Lifetimers (now), and then mailing packages to people who are owed packages and sorting out the technical issues with the forum that prevent me from joining you (next) and then nailing the rest of the deadlines (after next).

I was thinking about how I’m almost 50, and that’s actually pretty cool, and about what a long, fucked-up trip it’s been, and about how that trip isn’t near finished yet, and about how yeah, maybe I did pull into a Rest Stop for five years and fell asleep in the bathroom as an excuse not to write, but it was time to get back on the bike and see the rest of the road.

So I did. And have been doing so for the last six weeks.

That’s what I was thinking when John took the picture. Thanks for asking.

What’s in APOCRYPHA?

Over the weekend, I told you all about Apocrypha. If you missed that, click here. Today, I’m happy to post the final table of contents.

As you can see, the miscellany is split into four sections — unpublished works (excerpts from novels that predated The Rising, for example); previously uncollected early works (such as the articles I wrote for a UFO magazine early in my career); pitches for things that never got off the ground (yes, at one point I was asked to pitch for the Terminator series); and things I wrote as a kid. Some of these you’ve probably heard of, such as Love and Worms and Cabin Fever (the latter of which turned into a very different novel called The Rising). Others (such as the fact that A Gathering of Crows was originally a serial killer novel) will undoubtedly be a surprise. This is not a book for the casual reader, but I’m confident that hardcore fans will love it. I’ll finish the book this week, and then it’s off to the pre-readers (who have suddenly gotten very busy again).

APOCRYPHA – TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

PART ONE: EPHEMERA

Love and Worms – Excerpt

The Rising – Original Ending

City of the Dead – Original First Chapter

Untitled Meeble Novel – Excerpt

Cabin Fever – Excerpt

The Sleep of Reason – Excerpt

A Gathering of Crows (serial killer version) – Excerpt

History of the World, Part One

Backstabber

Do You Remember Where We Parked?

The Bridge Over the River Kal-Ti – Fragment

On the Road – Fragment

Down Under (rat version) – Fragment

Untitled Crime Novel – Fragment

PART TWO: RARITIES

All Things Zombie

Last Exit for the Lost

The Living Dead

Looking Glass – Chapter Three

The Crane House – Chapter One

Oh, the Horror #5

Oh, the Horror #6 – Excerpt

Keene’s Korner

Lights Over Lubbock

Flying Saucers Invade Nation’s Capitol

Military Captures Saucers on Film

The Ancient Age of Flying Saucers

Fifty Years Before Roswell

Radioactive Lizards, Birds, Bats, and Butterflies

PART THREE: ABORTIONS

The Tunnel

Red Station

Dark Waters

Vanishing Point

Thunderbird

Day of Terror

Neanderzombie – Movie Treatment

Fodder – Movie Treatment

The Rising – Series Synopsis

Devil-Slayer: Personal Demons

Devil-Slayer: Personal Demons – Script Excerpt

Devil-Slayer 2

Battlestar Galactica: Terror of the Ovions

Re-Animator: Spring Break Innsmouth

Red Sonja: Queen of the Damned

Terminator: Terminator Rex

Booster Gold

Animal Man

Brother Power, the Geek

Guardian

Manhunter

Manhunter 2

Phantom Stranger

Ragman

Vigilante

PART FOUR: JUVENILIA

The Quest

Space ‘n Ace, Episode 1

Untitled Fast Times at Ridgemont High Pastiche

Satan’s Mist

Graveyard Shift

John Pelan Hospitalized

Scott Nicolay has posted an update on author, editor, publisher, and scholar John Pelan. “John is currently hospitalized in Intensive Care in Albuquerque, and his prognosis is very serious. He is semi-comatose at present, and his condition is complicated by pneumonia and some internal bleeding. The worst part is that his doctors fear his brain may have been without oxygen for long enough to cause permanent damage.” I know John has done some polarizing things in recent years, but I’d ask that you keep the comments here free of anything but well-wishes.