Yusra Badr's Blog, page 9

Your shadows…

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The shadows of your sorrows have shamed the sun,

Overpowering every ray before it reached the earth.

As you search for restitution but are met by none,

Your shadows spread further, eclipsing every new birth.

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The world has wronged you in ways impossible to discern

But insists on keeping you alive among the living;

To mock you? To torment you? To simply watch as you burn?

Perhaps to teach you lessons on how to be less forgiving.

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Your struggles have run deep until they now overflow

And the shadows of your burdens have unlocked the abyss;

Unleashing the beasts within each and every soul

And silencing all light the sun gives with a gnarling hiss.

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The shadows of your sorrows have shamed the sun.

Oh, human! How your accomplishments mock your very soul!

You have challenged divinity for millennia and finally won;

Welcome to a new world where darkness devours you whole…

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Filed under: Poetry

Vows…

 

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I handed you my innocence.

Willingly,

Lovingly.

Believing in your tomorrow,

Entrusting you with my sanity…

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I gave up on my past;

The knowing,

The familiarity,

And delved into our future

With blind hope and no vanity…

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I vow to be by your side,

No questions,

No hesitation,

And will ease my burdens with you

For the length of our eternity…

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Your highs and lows are mine,

To share,

To soothe,

No fairy-tale tomorrow;

Just your and my reality…

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My happily ever after;

My partner,

My friend,

As defined by heart and mind,

Blessed be our faith in this unity…

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Filed under: Poetry

…ever after

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A virtual distance was created;

Miles and continents apart,

By the icy tones of his voice,

By her impregnated silence…

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Like a huge, invisible mountain,

The barrier between them grew

As he persisted on his choice

And she found sanctuary in absence…

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Their bodies lay close together,

Their souls, light years apart,

When he forgot he loved her

And she let her pride take over…

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And that was how they lived;

Unhappily ever after,

With memories now a blur

And the future far from over…

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Filed under: Poetry

It's complicated…

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He is my solace,

But he fills me not;

Like a sanctuary, roofless, amidst a storm…

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He is my obsession,

Though, mine, he is not;

Like an addiction that you manipulate into a norm…

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In his realms, I wander,

Eager to quench this thirst I feel,

But, with each endeavor, I am left deformed…

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To free myself is easy

When voiced but not in doing

For his rare existence in my cold life leaves me fleetingly warm…

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He is my paradox;

The epiphany of all my contradictions.

With him, or without him, my life and my sanity are outstormed…

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Filed under: Poetry

If I was…

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If I was Medusa,

I would lock you in an impenetrable stare

And watch you as you slowly turned to stone,

Relishing at the agony that augments in your eyes…

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If I was Venus,

I would lure you into my realm of fantasies

And strip you of all your defenses,

Then unleash  my demons and watch as they devour you whole…

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If I was Nemesis,

I would patiently wait for that unexpected moment

When all your guards are down

And slowly - cruelly - give you a taste of cold, cold revenge…

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If I was Persephone,

I would seduce your pride with promises of immortality

And hand it to you, on a platter of gold and roses

In the realms of darkness and despair that make up my kingdom; my underworld…

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If I was a goddess,

I would abuse my divine powers to inflict upon you what would seem to me but a portion of what you have graced my life with.

But I am not.

I am only human.

My only power is to forget.

And forget you, I shall…

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Filed under: Poetry

From a room with a view; in a hospital…

It's Wednesday, December 21st, 2011.

Really? It is?

It's been nine days since this turmoil started; nine days since my life has been abruptly uprooted and left to the chaos of relentless tornadoes and hurricanes of circumstance. It's been nine days since I've seen my bed. Nine days since all my hells broke loose and my sanity has been stretched to limits I never knew existed within my powers.

On Tuesday, December 13th, 2011, my mother was diagnosed with a brain stroke.

At this sentence, words fail me.

There's really nothing I can say or write that can properly describe how I feel or the sequence of events that have happened and are still happening since that wretched Tuesday.

So much has happened, so many things have been said, so many things have been done, so many people have come into and stepped out of our lives.

This is too much for the human soul to bear, and now, words fail me.

I spent four days and three nights, sitting on a cold floor in front of the Intensive Care Unit while my mother was treated inside. To trust a group of complete strangers with the life of the one person you hold dearest and closest to your heart; the one person you simply cannot live without, is excruciatingly difficult.

The hardest part was when I heard her call my name from inside, needing me and asking why I wasn't there, and they wouldn't let me in while I screamed and kicked, cried and banged at the door.

"You can't go in until visiting hours," they would coldly say as they pushed me out of the ICU.

On Friday, December 16th, 2011, I took the decision to move my mother to another hospital where I knew we would receive better care and attention. Since that day, we have been stranded in a cold, cruel hospital room with a spectacular view of the Nile.

As I sit here, looking over my mother while she sleeps, I wish that I could cry.

I wish that I could cry for her and for all the suffering she has seen over the past nine merciless days.

I wish that I could cry for the confusion I know she feels as so many unknowns lurk around us, waiting to lash at us at any given moment.

I wish that I could cry for the disorientation I see in her eyes every time she wakes up.

I wish that I could cry for the hope she has and the acceptance she feels over everything that has happened over the past nine days, and over her entire lifetime.

I wish that I could cry for my best friend whose father passed away while I was within these cold, forlorn walls and who needed me but I couldn't be there for her.

I wish that I could cry for my aching body and for my aching soul, where every inch of both throbs with maddening pain, confusion and restlessness.

I wish that I could cry for the fear I feel over the future that I simply cannot predict, yet simply cannot accept.

I need to cry…

But all I can do is  just sit here and look over at my mother as she sleeps.

I run my fingers through her hair and, in my head, I try to visualize what that cursed blood clot looks like, intertwined within the folds of her brain and living happily like a parasite that lives off a helpless prey.

I need to cry, but instead, I just sit here, doubting everything I ever believed in.

I need to cry as the voice of Dolores O'Riordan from the Cranberries runs through my head as she sings:

And all the things that seemed once to be so important to me seem so trivial now…

I'm sitting here, looking over at my mother as she sleeps and I am wondering why.

She's also running a fever. The doctors have no idea what's causing it. They took samples and samples of blood, ran echoes, MRIs and scans, and they still don't know what's causing it.

I need to cry over the unknown; over the mystery of every passing hour as it unveils itself and as I brace myself with every passing moment, praying that the unknowns that lurk around us will remain hidden in their shadows and just leave us the fuck alone.

There is so much going on in my head and I need to cry.

But words fail me, and tears defy me, as I sit here looking over my mother while she sleeps, in a room with a spectacular view of the Nile, in a hospital…

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Filed under: Ramblings

So far away…

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I remember a time when I used to miss you;

When I craved for your voice in my ear.

I remember a time when not a day went by

Without you here, and I felt no fear.

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I remember how my heart used to skip a beat or two

When you randomly told me you missed me.

I remember how I used to anxiously anticipate

Seeing you and how bonded we used to be.

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Your absence was difficult beyond words can say,

But I'll try; it tore me apart.

Your absence shredded my sanity to pieces

And left me with stabbing pains in my heart.

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I remember a time when I used to miss you,

A time before you decided to sever

The bond that we had once upon a time.

I guess now you can stay away forever…

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Filed under: Poetry [image error] [image error]

Crossroads…

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Choices and decisions,
Paths walked and left behind.
Friendships that were rock-solid,
Now left undefined…
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Lovers who weren't lovers,
Though it felt so at the time.
Sisters from different mothers
Bound forever like words that rhyme…
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Fleeting moments of feeling
Like home, like you belong.
Warmth, smiles and safety
In your heart merge and prolong…
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Then comes a day when you
Make a simple – or complex – choice.
While facing your life's crossroads
You say "goodbye" in that hoarse voice… 
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The me of the present
Wishes for those past bonds to revive,
But – alas – 'tis where the path I took
Has led; to alone survive…
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In my heart, the bonds stand strong,
Never faltering with warmth avid.
But, sadly, they are only memories
Of where you and I once stood…
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Filed under: Moments, Poetry [image error] [image error]

On right and wrong

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This species of ours is obsessed with labeling every single aspect of our lives with two words; right and wrong.

We talk, act, think, preach, judge and even breathe based on what we perceive to be right and wrong. We categorize what is "right" as something that will supposedly end well and what is "wrong" as something that will bring remorse and pain.

Every single day, we say and hear phrases like "That was the right thing to do," "But that's not right," and "The right decision is…"

We are obsessed with labeling and categorizing every aspect of our lives, and the lives of others as well, with virtual signs that blink the words "right" or "wrong", hoping that it will make it easier for us to distinguish our heads from our feet.

In this light, please allow me to ask you a question.

Did it ever cross your mind that this "habit" is just an easy way out of actually making the effort to think and decide for yourself if something is indeed "right" or "wrong"?

Well, I thought about it and I have come up with a different theory; a different ideology and credo that I personally follow.

There is no such thing as right and wrong.

Yep.

In actuality, things just are. Decisions, actions, habits, thoughts, beliefs, and the list goes on and on.

All of the above, every single aspect of our individual lives, just is, and every single aspect of our individual lives has its pros and cons. In its entirety and as a general rule, there are good sides and bad sides to simply everything! There is something "right" and something "wrong" about everything!

There are decisions and there are consequences; good and bad.

There are choices and there are aftereffects, good and bad.

There are actions and there are reactions, good and bad.

And that is the only rule that truly makes any kind of sense.

Even "bad" habits fall under this category. Off the top of my head, we are taught that biting your nails, for example, is a bad habit. If you were to apply the "just is" rule on this habit, you will reach a conclusion along the following lines (or at least that is what my head could fathom):

Indeed, biting your nails has its unhealthy outcomes; be them ugly-looking fingers or infections, etc. But isn't the time spent biting your nails satisfying? Doesn't it answer to an urge or a need for you to do it and, thus, put your mind at ease at a time of stress or thoughtfulness or whatever it is that triggers that habit in a person?

Another example off the top of my head is sleeping late, for instance. Yes, indeed, sleeping late leaves you sleep deprived and feeling cranky in the morning. But look at the other side of the coin; didn't you enjoy the time you spent awake till the wee hours of the night? Wasn't the reason you stayed up late a good one, at least for you?

Looking on the other side of the matter; take eating healthy as an example. Yes, indeed, eating healthy is good for you! But, in making that decision – to eat healthy – aren't you depriving yourself of ever tasting the not-so-healthy food that you love?

Decision. Consequence.

Choice. Aftereffect.

Action. Reaction.

That's all it boils down to. That's all there really is.

Making choices and decisions based on what is perceived to be right and wrong just isn't… well, for lack of a better word; right! It's not fair to you because, simply put, in labeling an issue as right or wrong, you are depriving yourself of the idea that the matter actually requires thought and blinding yourself to the plethora of options that are really out there, but shielded from your sight because of preconceived notions that don't necessarily make sense.

There are no rights and wrongs. There are decisions and consequences. Choices and aftereffects. Actions and reactions.

All you have to do is think.

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Filed under: Bits and pieces, Ramblings

I run…

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In a silent cry for help,

I run.
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I declare war on life;

On myself,

And I run.
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I hide from eyes that can read my distress

Though I long for someone to see.
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I smile, I nod my head and say "I'm fine!"

While the knife twists further into me.
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I run.

I run from my reality.

I drown all ration with noise till I can't hear me anymore.

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I run.
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I must embrace the truth, but I run.

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I must admit I was a fool, but I run.

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I must realize the simplicity of it all,

Yet all I can do is run.

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Tomorrow, it'll hurt a little less,

But, for now, I run…
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Filed under: Moments, Poetry, Ramblings