Steven Scaffardi's Blog, page 4

What is lad lit?

This guest post was originally published on Linda's Book Bag on Sunday, March 27, 2016 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

Talking lad lit with Steven Scaffardi...
Lad lit is a bit like the literary black sheep of the family. It’s made a few mistakes in the past and it is still paying for it now. It’s not like it hasn’t tried making amends, but it just seems that people don’t want to listen. If only they’d give it a second chance.

Even Wikipedia, that bastion of internet information, seems to be so upset that if you type ‘lad lit’ into their search box, it can’t even bring itself to refer to it by its rightful name in the first line of its description of the genre:

“Fratire” is a type of 21st-century fiction literature written for and marketed to young men in a politically incorrect and overtly masculine fashion.

Fratire? What the hell is fratire?! The sentence ‘a type of 21st-century fiction literature’ implies it’s not willing to attribute the fact that it is a real genre. It’s as good as calling it ‘a so-called fiction literature’ with as much contempt as you can muster. And what’s with the patronising inverted commas, used I’m sure in the same way like one of those annoying people who insist on holding their two fingers in the air and bending them down at the precise moment they utter a word that is unworthy of being part of the sentence leaving their mouth?

There is no doubt about it – Wikipedia does not like lad lit, and when the biggest encyclopedia in the world has an issue with you, what chance have you got?

Oh, you think I’m being over the top or too sensitive? Okay, let’s type ‘chick lit’ into the Wikipedia search box and see what it has to say about lad lit’s older, more respected sibling:

Chick lit or Chick literature is genre fiction which addresses issues of modern womanhood, often humorously and lightheartedly.

Hmmm, no inverted commas, the correct use of their name, no disdain pouring out from every syllable, just a pleasant and respectful description that makes you want to read a bit more, which is more than we can say about that awful little oik of brother of yours.

So what did lad lit actually do? Well, it uses the word ‘lad’ for a start; a word normally found loitering around in low-brow environments such as lads mags.

But what if lad lit was given a clean slate? What if the next time you saw those two little words you decided to give it a chance rather than dismiss it out of hand immediately? You’d be pleasantly surprised.

That’s why I started #LadLitSunday; a social media initiative to highlight the great work being written by lad lit authors. When you start to compile a list of authors leading the way in the genre, it’s hugely impressive.

Tony Parsons, Mike Gayle, Nick Spalding, Matt Dunn, Danny Wallace, Jon Rance.

Nick Hornby.

Just last month the undisputed king of lad lit was rubbing shoulders with Hollywood’s elite as he was nominated for a Best Screenplay award for a second time, hot on the heels of his Bafta win just a week before.

It was another accolade for the man who brought to life the Arsenal 1989 title winning season in a more romantic way than Michael Thomas’ winning goal itself, not to mention the brilliant Rob Fleming in High Fidelity. Fleming epitomised everything you have been told to hate about lad lit characters. As Wordspy.com, lad lit is: A literary genre that features books written by men and focusing on young, male characters, particularly those who are selfish, insensitive, and afraid of commitment.

Well you know what? Fleming was selfish, insensitive, and afraid of commitment, but it was for all of those reasons that Hornby’s book became such a huge success; transformed into a big screen adaption and musical.

Lad lit might not always conform to the chick lit rule of HEA, but it pays it a huge compliment by being the prelude to the HEA. If book genres were a diet then lad lit would be the ‘before’ picture and chick lit would be the ‘after’ image.

In my Sex, Love and Dating Disasters series I love exploring the hilarious situations people can relate to before they find that perfect partner. Lad lit is that awkward first date you still tell your friends about 10 years later. It’s the boyfriend you will forever wonder what was I thinking when I got with him? It’s what puts the com in romcom!

I recently interviewed Matt Dunn, best-selling author of The Ex-Boyfriends Handbook, and asked him to explain how male writers tackle a similar genre to our female counterparts differently. He said: “Personally, I think we just tell it how it is from our point of view. Or rather, how we see it. Which is kind of how it is, if you believe all that ‘perception is reality’ bollocks. Which I do, obviously.”

And that, in a nutshell, best sums up what lad lit is really about – a story told from a different perspective; not necessarily politically incorrect or overtly masculine fashion, and it certainly doesn’t always feature characters who are selfish, insensitive, and afraid of commitment.

So in the true fashion of those of you who love reading or are about to embark on a new book challenge, next time you happen to be sitting around one Sunday afternoon looking for that next book, promise me you’ll check out the hashtag #LadLitSunday and you might just find that alternative HEA you have been looking for.

The Drought by Steven Scaffardi book review (taken from Bookaholic Confessions)

This book review was originally posted on Bookaholic Confessions on Friday, April 29, 2016 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

4 Stars
When Dan Hilles breaks up with his long-term girlfriend something very odd seems to happen to him. He suddenly becomes tongue-tied around the opposite sex and appears unable to even strike up a (normal) conversation with a girl, let alone ask one out on a date… This results in Dan finding himself in what he refers to as a ‘Drought’. The longer the Drought goes on, the harder Dan tries to find himself a date, leading to some very awkward, unusual and down-right hilarious consequences. Why has it suddenly become so impossible for Dan to land himself a date? After all, he’s a ‘seven-out-of-ten’ kinda’ guy and his bunch of quirky yet loveable friends seem to have no trouble attracting the ladies. Will ‘The Drought’ ever end or is Dan destined to stay date-less for ever (gulp)?

‘Lad-Lit’ is a genre that I have grown to love over recent years. It seems to be something which is becoming more and more prominent and its unique-selling-point seems to be that it’s one of those rare types of novel which appeal to both men and women. I would class ‘lad-lit’ as Mike Dunn, Nick Spalding, Jon Rance (a selection of authors who I absolutely love!)…And I can now firmly add Steven Scaffardi to that list because if lad-lit is your thing then The Drought is a must-read. I think the main reason novels such as The Drought appeal to both male and female readers is because of two reasons. Firstly, for male readers, they will undoubtedly be able to relate to this story. It could be written about them and their group of friends. It’s funny, realistic and has a narrator talks total sense (to them at least…!) and is also incredibly likeable. From the female perspective, this novel is almost like an insight into the workings of the male mind. It’s amazing to read about the thoughts and ideas that run through Dan’s head (and it’s also extremely funny at times…And kind of scary, actually.)

Bearing in mind that this is a novel based around the lives of a group of four young men, there is the usual selection of banter, boobs and bottoms. Although I think you’d assume that this might be the case from the get-go so don’t be outraged if it’s not your cup of tea.

As a female reader I completely warmed to Dan. Ok, there might have been times when he did/said/believed the silliest of things but that’s all part of his charm. His heart is in the right place and I was totally on his side throughout. It was brilliant when he would do something seemingly innocent only for it to totally backfire on him. Your heart will go out to him whilst you’re quietly chuckling to yourself. Admittedly it’s usually his friends who get him into these cringe-worthy situations and for this reason they are a cracking set of characters. Their friendship group is both hilarious yet realistic and they certainly made me chortle when they got together. My favourite moments include their outing to Brighton (exotic dancers, anyone!?) and when Rob, Ollie and Jack individually coach Dan to get him ‘back in the game’; this involves overhauling his style, fitness levels and teaching him other, erm, things of vital importance. I liked Rob the best (You’ve got to love a guy who knows his fashion, am I right?) I also really liked the relationship between Dan and his work colleague, Kelly. They have great chemistry and I am SO pinching their game of ‘Office Dare’!

Lots of books are described as being ‘laugh-out-loud’ funny, but The Drought genuinely will have you sniggering. In fact, more than sniggering…Try a great, big, good old belly laugh. I love books like this – books that can completely take my mind off everything else and make me smile. This novel really was a brilliantly funny, well constructed, light, fun-filled read.

There are so many stories centred around dating from the female-perspective that it made a refreshing change to read a novel from a male point of view. Not necessarily one for the faint hearted, but if you’re a fan of humour and cheekiness then you’ll love Dan’s misadventures.

I personally am really looking forward to the follow-up, The Flood. I miss blundering-yet-loveable Dan and his coin-purse…

Steven Scaffardi Author Interview (taken from Bookaholic Confessions)

This interview was originbally posted on Bookaholic Confessions on Friday, April 29, 2016 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

Hi Steven, welcome to Bookaholic Confessions! Thank you so much for participating in this interview. Would you like to start by introducing yourself…?
Hi Holly, thanks for having me! Well as you know my name is Steven and I am the author of The Drought and The Flood; two comedy books about relationships from a man’s point of view, and both part of the Sex, Love & Dating Disasters series.

Can you tell us a bit about your debut novel The Drought (Sex, Love and Dating Disasters)?
I sure can! The Drought is the laugh-out-loud tale of one man’s quest to overcome the throes of a sexual drought. After the stormy break-up with his girlfriend of three years, Dan Hilles is faced with the daunting task of throwing himself back into the life of a single man. With the help of his three best pals, Dan is desperate and determined to get his leg-over with hilarious consequences!

…And also about your follow-up to The Drought, The Flood (released April 2016)?
The Flood picks up where The Drought left off, although it’s written in a way that you don’t have to have read the first book to pick up the second. This time round Dan makes the mistake of making a bet with his best friends that he can juggle more than one girl at the same time, and a series of comical situations ensue as Dan buckles under the pressure of dating his ex-girlfriend, a stalker, the office ice queen, and the one that got away. It is available now to pre-order for just 99p (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Flood-Love-Da...). It will be released as an eBook on April 30 and the paperback will be available on May 19.

I am really looking forward to reading both books; they sound brilliant! I have to ask – are there elements of yourself in your lead character Dan Hilles or is he entirely fictional?
Unfortunately yes! The Drought is loosely based on a period in my life in my early 20s. I had just come out of a long-term relationship and had basically forgotten how to talk to girls and struggled getting myself into the dating game! Both books take stories from personal experiences or those of friends, and I sprinkle a large dose of exaggeration on top for comedy effect. It’s funny watching my wife read the books and then turn to me and say: “Please tell me this bit didn’t happen to you!”

Chick Lit Plus described your debut novel as ‘Chick Lit for Men’ I think chick lit novels written from a male perspective are such a great idea, but what’s it like writing for a genre that is dominated by female authors?
It’s hard in that you are going against the norm. Chick lit is normally written from the female point of view so (most of) the readers can relate. Plus they all tend to have a HEA ending. But lad lit is more like the frowned upon little brother of its more successful chick lit sibling. I think the biggest problem is that most readers are simply not familiar with lad lit or it has a bit of a stigma attached to it. But I’ve had lots of readers – male and female – read my books who have never picked up a lad lit novel before and told me how much they enjoyed it. As the series name suggests, it’s about the fun side of dating that doesn’t always go right, yet most people will admit they are the stories they remember the most.

The Drought (Sex, Love & Dating Disasters, #1)As well as being a writer you are also a stand-up comedian. Is it a profession that is as terrifying as you might imagine?
I haven’t actually done any stand-up comedy since 2012 – the day job took over I’m afraid, but when I used to do stand-up I can honestly say it was the best buzz I’ve ever had. Yes, the first time it was terrifying but once you start to find your rhythm and have a few jokes in your back pocket that will guarantee an odd laugh or two, it becomes less daunting. The nerves are always still there (the prospect of dying on stage is never far from your mind) but it becomes like a drug. The better you get at it, the more you look forward to getting up on stage. I miss it, but I had to find a way of paying the bills and unfortunately I wasn’t that funny so I had to stick with the 9-to-5.

Have you always wanted to be a writer?
I have always enjoyed being a storyteller and like most people I always thought I had a book in me, but it wasn’t until I was around 24 or 25 that I thought about it seriously. I studied journalism at university, wrote for a few magazines before becoming sports editor for a local paper. I quit journalism when I was around 27 because the money wasn’t great, but that love of writing and storytelling never went away.

What’s the best thing about writing comedies?
I think it’s the same thing as being a stand-up comedian – it’s being able to make people laugh. Seeing somebody laugh out loud because something you have said or written is hugely satisfying. I think it’s an incredibly difficult art that probably doesn’t get the credit it deserves. I have huge respect for stand-up comedians who go on stage and make people laugh for an hour. The longest set I ever did was 15 minutes and trying to come up with enough material to last 15 minutes was challenging enough let alone a whole hour. It is the same with writing a comedy novel. Writing 300+ pages of funny situations has its challenges, but so far, so good.

Who are your favourite authors and which type of books do you enjoy reading?
I like anything from my fellow lad lit authors to thriller and crime novels. My favourite authors at the moment are Danny Wallace, Jeff Abbott and Ben Mezrich, but my favourite book in recent times is the Bourbon Kid series. I can’t tell you the authors name because he is anonymous, but his novels are just brilliant. Imagine Quentin Tarantino in a supernatural world full of wonderful movie clichés. They are such good fun to read.

And finally – can you tell us a bit about what you’re up to at the moment?
I have only recently finished writing The Flood so I am busy trying to promote that at the moment, but I am already work on the framework for my third book. This is a bit of an exclusive for you as I haven’t told anyone else this yet. At the moment the working title is called The Pact and it is the third book in the Sex, Love & Dating Disasters series. This time round, Dan and his pals travel to Latvia and get themselves into all sorts of trouble with a bunch of gangsters, drag queens, pimps, cops and lots more. It’s a little bit different to the first two books, but I love writing about these characters so much that I’m hoping other people and fans of the series will like it too.

The 10 Lad Lit Books Every Chick Lit Fan Should Read

This guest post was orioginally posted on For The Love of Chick Lit on Wednesday, May 4, 2016 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

From the moment I published my debut novel, The Drought, five years ago I have been on a mission to fly the flag for lit. For me, in terms of contemporary fiction, lad lit is up there with the very best, yet it doesn’t necessarily get the recognition it deserves.

Lad lit is best known as the male equivalent of chick-lit, primarily written by men exploring relationships, emotions and day-to-day life experiences from the perspective of a male protagonist. Often told with humour, charm and wit, lad lit leaves many readers laughing out loud at the scenarios men get into.

Since 2011, I have spoken to and engaged with a number of people – authors, bloggers and readers – who were already fans of lad lit or were new to the genre but fell in love instantly, and a lot of them were both women and chick lit fans.

This list is created from those numerous conversations, ratings on sites such as Amazon and Goodreads, and reviews on book blogger sites. I hope you enjoy and maybe discover a new love for lad lit…

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
In boxing terms, there are two major heavyweights in this genre. One is Nick Hornby and the other is Tony Parsons, and for me Hornby just edges it by split decision. High Fidelity is probably his most well-known work. It explores the world of break-ups, make-ups and what it is to be in love.

Man and Boy by Tony Parsons
It is rumoured Parsons wrote this tale of a man who has the perfect life and throws it all away, based on his own personal experience. The British author pens a wonderfully crafted story about how one bad choice can flip your whole life upside down.

My Legendary Girlfriend by Mike Gayle
Mike Gayle’s books are the perfect example why lad lit is often referred to as ‘chick lit for men’. Over the past two decades, arguably no other author in the genre has been as consistent as Gayle at producing hit after hit. My Legendary Girlfriend was his debut novel and still stands the test of time.

The Ex-Boyfriend’s Handbook by Matt Dunn
The Ed and Dan trilogy (The Ex-Boyfriends Handbook/Ex-Girlfriends United/Accidental Proposal) is to lad lit what Back to the Future is to movies – a bloody good threesome! Dunn admits that Dan is probably his most popular character, and it’s easy to see why as he attempts to help his friend Ed get back on track after being unceremoniously dumped by his girlfriend for letting himself go a little bit!

Love… From Both Sides by Nick Spalding
Anything Matt Dunn can do, Nick Spalding can do one more! His Love… series has now spanned four novels. Love… From Both Sides used the clever concept of switching between the male and female lead characters every other chapter so the reader go both sides of the story (hence the name).

Charlotte Street by Danny Wallace
‘Danny Wallace is a man, but he is still learning some of life’s hardest lessons.’ That’s how Danny is described in his award-winning Shortlist magazine column, and that same wit and humour comes through in his first foray into fiction with this brilliantly clever story about a man trying to track down a woman by using the pictures he has developed from the disposable camera she left behind.

This Thirtysomething Life by Jon Rance
Similar to Nick Spalding, Jon Rance is another lad lit author who made the successful transition from self-published author to the big time following the huge success of the Amazon best-seller This Thirtysomething Life. This book beautifully captures the insecurities of men who are afraid to grow up.

This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper
Another lad lit success that was transformed to the big screen (High Fidelity being the other), This is Where I Leave You is the hilarious and heartbreaking story of Judd Foxman who is facing divorce and unemployment while coming to terms with the death of his father. Written by diversely talented Jonathan Tropper, the man behind HBO crime thriller, Banshee.

Starter for Ten by David Nicholls
Most chick lit fans will probably know David Nicholls for One Day, but it is his debut novel Starter for Ten is probably more popular in lad lit circles. The story of Brain Jackson trying to win the affections of his university quiz teammate is nostalgic, funny and heart-warming.

The Drought by Steven Scaffardi
I know what you’re thinking – I’ve written this list and added my own book! But don’t take my word for it – here is what Chick Lit Plus had to say about The Drought: “Being a female, I sometimes have difficulty relating to the main characters, but not with this one. Steven Scaffardi’s first novel is absolutely hilarious and will leave every reader, male or female, laughing out loud.”

The Flood by Steven Scaffardi book review (taken from My Book File)

This book review was originally posted on My Book File on Sunday, March 6, 2016

4/5 Stars
Dan Hilles is ready to spice up his love life after eight months of drought. After spending the afternoon in the pub with his three best friends, he makes a bet. He has to date four women simultaneously in eight weeks, without them finding out about each other, just to prove a point. Dan is more than ready for the Flood to come his way. What could possibly go wrong?

I received a free copy from the author in exchange for an honest review.

“The text alert pierced my ear drums like someone has just plunged a needle into the side of my head. Blinking hard, my eyes momentarily struggled to recognise my own bedroom.”

Meet Dan Hilles. A great guy living in London, a nice guy… with a hangover and no idea what has happened, only to discover that during the night he somehow ended up in the same bed with two of his friends. From that point onwards it seems like the unimaginable happens to Dan. He gets his very own stalker, his new roommate is somewhat mental, he gets another chance with the girl who’s got away, he gets a chance to make the ultimate man-dream come true and he can make some money by winning a bet. But is anything ever easy when a woman is involved? And Dan has not just one but four women to worry about at the same time, because that is part of the bet. Will he pull it off or will he fall into a death-trap?

I confess that I was nearly dying of laughter most of the time while reading this book. First of all I think it’s great that this book gives mostly a man’s perspective of things but also a woman’s perspective on some occasions. Secondly I loved the use of language in this book. I can imagine that some people might find it a little to direct sometimes but I had no problem with that whatsoever and I loved the way Scaffardi put thing down in such a matter-of-fact-way that even the most bizarre events seem completely logical. Some of the stuff that happens to Dan seems so surreal but at the same time he and all that he goes through are so relatable. I mean let’s be honest we all have, or some of us are in fact, that somewhat unlucky friend. Here’s a small example of what I mean with the above:

“I carefully tried to navigate the phone out of my pocket without inappropriately touching any of the people who were cramped around me, but of course all I succeeded in doing was brushing my hand down the back of the bald guy in a completely unintentionally seductive way.”

This small passage comes from a scene where Dan is train. There are loads of people there and I guess that most of us have been in this situation once or twice (or maybe more often). It’s so relatable, I loved it, I really did. There are so many of these small things in life that have been put in this book, it’s just a great touch to the whole. Then there are the characters. The interaction between the characters are just great and the situations they get themselves into… well what can I say it’s just hilarious. What I liked about most characters is that they were well formed, they were not just portraying one sort emotion or any one-dimensional trait but they changed during the book. The minor characters are not just there either! Some of them are able to make a specific scene, like the bald guy in the train.

So in short:
I think this was great and I had fun reading it. Dan is a nice protagonist, the use of language suits the story and the characters will take you from one crazy situation into another. Overall I think it was just a great romance/comedy/chicklit kind of novel and I’m really looking forward to the next one, though I think that may take a while :’)

The Drought by Steven Scaffardi book review (taken from My Book File)

This book review was originally posted on My Book File on March 14, 2016. 

4/5 Stars 
Dan Hilles is just a normal guy with a job, a small group of friends and a long-term girlfriend, but not for long. Things start to change for Dan when he breaks-up with his girlfriend Stacey and he finds himself single again for the first time in three years. Unfortunately for him things don’t change in his favour and he enters a period of drought. With some near death experiences, more than a couple of awkward dates and some really embarrassing situations, things are getting real complicated. But Dan has a goal and he will not stop until he ends the drought.

I received a free copy from the author in exchange for an honest review.

“We sang it loud. We sang it proud. We sang it with passion. We sang it completely tone deaf. But it didn’t matter. It was the perfect end to the evening.”

Dan has been with Stacey for three years now but she has changed a lot since he met her at university. It all goes wrong at new years even when they get into another fight and Dan decides to spend the night with his friends instead of with her. After the nearly fifty messages she left him that night alone, he decides to put an end to it. But things don’t really go as planned and instead of breaking up kind of ‘peacefully’ he gets kicked out of the house by Stacey best friend Sophie who wants to kill him with a baseball bat. From that point on things change, but not for the better. Time and again Dan gets himself into the must stupid and surreal situations, even his friends are unable to help him break the drought and as it goes on Dan is getting more desperate. Rob, Ollie and Jack try to help him as best as they can but even their knowledge combined can’t save Dan from making a complete fool of himself. He even manages to get on the television twice! (not under the best circumstances but heej there is no such thing as bad publicity right?)

So yes I did read the sequel first but that doesn’t matter because this book is just as awesome, funny and amusing ^_^ Why you ask? Well here is why:

This book is everything I hoped it would be. There are the familiar yet unimaginable situations he is able to get into. He does it all on his own and I have to say that is very impressive. I’ve got more than one favourite scene is this book but I think that this one is the one I loved the most:

“‘I bumped into Simon Peterson yesterday.’ Rob said. ‘He lives on Mantilla Road.’
‘So what?’ I sneered.
‘He happened to mention that he saw you on his road on Wednesday night,’ Rob announced. ‘He was working on his car. He would have said hello, but you sprinted past him at a ferocious pace with a dog chasing you.’
‘Was it a poodle?’ Ollie questioned.
‘No it wasn’t a poodle,’ I said. ‘It was a big horrible, snarling beast.’
‘Simon said it was a sausage dog.’ Rob said and they all started laughing again.

This is a scene where Dan is having a drink with his friends and yes they’re making fun of him again. Now what happened before this is quite hilarious because it has to do with a date that would have stopped Dan’s drought. Dan got a second chance with Grace and just as they were going to take it one step further, he discovers that he doesn’t have any condoms with him. Getting dressed to get some at a store nearby, he runs out of Grace’s house but by the time he has to get back he finds out that he has no idea how to get back at all. That is when, after walking some time, he encounters a big horrible snarling beast… that turned out to be a sausage dog.

This book was so much fun to read and even though I read the second book first it didn’t affect me at all because everything that happened was just as unexpected. The amazing characters combined with the easy use of language, the everyday scenes and hilarious situations made for a great book. Again this book brings the whole dating-scenario from a totally different perspective. Not from the female point of view but from a man’s and that makes it all the more fun to read. It is that I am a woman myself but by reading this I understand that most man don’t understand women at all, sometimes even I don’t understand women (or myself for that matter) at all. Some of the language and scenes might be a little too harsh or descriptive for some people but that just made it better in my opinion.

Overall I think the book was great and it was so much fun to read. I would recommend this book to everyone who loves romance/comedy/chicklit kind of novels. I give this book four stars because me really likey.

Steven Scaffardi Author Interview (taken from My Book File)

This interview was originally posted on My Book File on Wednesday, April 20, 2016 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

Hi Steven, thank you for joining me today as part of The Lad Lit Blog Tour. Before asking you questions about the lad lit genre and your series, however, I want to ask you something else. After discovering that you studied journalism, I wondered… what did you do after your studies? And most importantly: why did you want to become an author?

Hi Cindy, thank you for having me! After finishing university I freelanced for a while at lads mags and sports magazines. Eventually I ended up working as the sports editor for a local newspaper and did that for about three years. It was great fun but as most journalists will tell you, the money is not great! Eventually I changed career paths, but I still work in a similar industry. I had always enjoyed writing stories from a young age, but I’d never really thought about becoming an author until a few years ago. I was like a lot of people and always thought I had a good book in me, and eventually it came out!

I must admit that I am guilty of not knowing about ladlit before I started to read your series of Sex, Love & Dating Disasters. I have read some novels by Mike Gayle, but I never actually gave the genre much thought (except for the fact that is looked like chicklit but it wasn’t quite the same). Can you tell me the full and honest truth about what the genre ladlit is actually all about?

Not many people have really heard of lad lit, which is why I thought this blog tour would be a great idea! Like you, lots of people have probably read books by what I’d consider to be lad lit authors, but because the genre doesn’t really get a lot of press, you don’t realise it! Lad lit is basically the male equivalent of chick lit, often called chick lit for men. Lad lit will feature a male protagonist or a group of guys, and will often explore themes such as relationships, dating, love, but all told from the male perspective. I often use the analogy that if book genres were diets then lad lit would be the ‘before’ picture and chick lit would be the ‘after’ image! As most women know, men are pretty hopeless at the best of times when it comes to romance even though we think we know it all, so lad lit opens up the reader’s mind to what men really think. A few weeks ago I wrote a couple of guest blogs in an attempt to try and answer the question as to what lad lit is and you can check them out at By The Letter Book Reviews and Linda’s Book Bag, or follow the hashtag #LadLitBlogTour on Twitter and hopefully it will all start to make a bit more sense!

What moved you to write The Drought and The Flood in the ladlit genre?

I didn’t specifically set out to write in the lad lit genre (to be honest I wasn’t even aware of lad lit until a reviewer read The Drought and called it lad lit!). I wanted to write a comedy about dating and relationships but from the point of view of the man. My wife is a huge romcom fan and I’ve sat through countless films with her where I end up shouting at the TV ‘But a man wouldn’t say that!’ At the time I was also performing stand-up comedy, and a lot of what I would talk about on stage would be about dating and relationships. A lot of my jokes came from my own experiences or stories friends would tell me about, especially those about dating and girls, so I had lots of material and decided one day just to put it all down on paper and The Drought was born.

The situations in your series appear to me as unimaginable. Every time I read about poor Dan Hilles and his misfortune I have to choose between laughing or feeling sorry for the man (to be honest, I usually just laugh). Are the books based on your own experiences or did you make it all up?

Unfortunately yes, they are! Especially the story in The Drought. That is loosely based on a period in my life in my twenties when I had just come out of a long-term relationship and had completely forgotten the rules of the dating game. Most of the stories in that book are true (either my own experiences or those of friends), with a huge dose of exaggeration sprinkled on top. The Flood probably has less real life experiences, but you always hear stories about the ridiculous things guys say or do when they’re trying to impress a girl, so I try to wrap that all up in the story. Dan Hilles, Sex Love and Dating Disasters, The Drought, Characters, Characters from books, images of characters from books, Lad Lit, Dick Lit, Fratire, Chick Lit, Lad Lit characters, Chick Lit characters, Funny book, Comedy book, eBook, Kindle, Novel, Paperback, Dating, Dating Disasters, Relationships, Rom Com, RomCom, Steven Scaffardi,

I discovered, after some snooping around on your blog, that you actually have Characters Bios! As a reader, I think that it is really awesome that you took the time to actually have the characters and their personalities all worked out. What gave you the idea to write out and create the characters this extensively? And do you sometimes consult the bios yourself as well when you are writing?

Thanks! It’s something I believe is really important for a writer. I want to know as much about my characters as possible – whether they happen to appear in one chapter or all of the chapters. The more you know about a character, the easier it is to write about how they would react in certain situations. I got a really talented guy called Jamie Sale at Toonjam Studios to create cartoon characters for all the characters in both books. For me it is just a nice touch for the reader. Whenever I read a really good book I always want a little bit more. I want to know what happened to the characters, what they really look like. That is the main reason why I wrote The Flood as a follow-up. I fell in the love with the characters I had created and I wanted to know what they got up to next. I never set out to write a series, but now I’m hoping that the Sex, Love and Dating Disasters series will have another three or four books to come.

If you could take any of the women from The Drought and The Flood out on a date, who would you pick and why?

That is a great question! Probably the best question I have ever been asked about my books. It’s a tough choice because as you’ll know (without giving anything away) the girls in my books are not always the type of girls you would want to spend a lot of time with! I have always had a soft spot for Grace, but in terms of going out on a date that you’d never forget it has to be Denise (Dan’s stalker from The Flood). You couldn’t date Denise for very long but there’d be no shortage of fun with her. She would probably drive you to a nervous breakdown in the process, not to mention her ex-boyfriend Ronnie always lurking around, but what a thrill ride it would be! You’d certainly have some great stories to tell you friends down the pub.

The Flood will be released the 30th of April. Which scene did you love to write the most and why?

Hmmm, there is one scene I really like but I can’t really say too much about it without giving something away to someone who hasn’t read the book before. With that in mind, there are two other scenes I really enjoyed writing. The first is when the boys end up in a pub in Nottingham and all hell breaks loose and they find themselves in a massive pub brawl. One reviewer said of that scene: “Funniest bar fight scene in the history of literature. I laughed so hard I woke up my snoring girlfriend.” I’m a big Quentin Tarrantino fan and I think that scene is the closest any of my books would get to his world, in a funny way of course. The other scene involves Dan’s journey to work on the train. I love observational comedy and I think lots of people relate to and laugh at the things we all do every day. For example, every guy who travels to work on public transport will have at least once in their life experienced the moment when they are sitting down on a packed train and they see a woman and think: “Is she pregnant?” In my own experience getting the answer to that question wrong can be very awkward if you offer you seat to a woman who is not pregnant!

Since I have already had the pleasure of reading The Flood, here is my final question for you: What can we expect from you next?

I am already planning the third instalment of Sex, Love and Dating Disasters. The working title is The Pact and sees Dan and his mates head over to Latvia in search for a girl who dated one of Dan’s friends. It’s a little bit different to the first two books, and is a bit of a tribute to one of my favourite books, The Book With No Name, in that the reader will meet a whole host of weird, wonderful and whacky calendars including a Russian mafia don, two drag queens, two karaoke singing cops who love Wham, a pimp who thinks he is living in the 70s, a sleazy hotel boss and his strange wife, and a henchman called Ray the Local.

Steven, thank you so much for your honesty and for the opportunity for this amazing interview! I had a great time and, to be honest, you’ve made my week ^_^ Enjoy the rest of the tour and I’m looking forward to reading The Pact!

Lad Lit - who'd have thought....

This post was originally posted on Boon's Bookcase on Tuesday, April 19, 2016 as part of the #LadLitBlogTour

Lad Lit - who'd have thought....
I must admit, when Steven Scaffardi contacted me to ask if I would like to be a part of his Lad Lit Blog Tour, I didn't know what he meant, but if you can have chick lit, then why not lad lit!!

Join me for the first date of this massive Blog Tour and I hope you enjoy maybe your first taste of "Lad Lit"! and you can download a free e-book as well.

Guest Post
One month, 39 blogs, five countries, three continents and a whole host of interviews, character Q&A’s, guest blogs, book reviews and the odd giveaway – I am taking lad lit global. From London to California, Bradford to Texas, Ipswich to Montana; the #LadLitBlogTour bus will be globetrotting from as far afield as Australia then back into Europe across Scotland and The Netherlands, and it all starts here in Kent, England at Boon’s Bookcase…

“And why are you doing this?!” I hear you scream from your favourite reading armchair. Because I believe lad lit has not been given the exposure it deserves. It’s almost like a nonentity! Pop into any high street bookstore or online book retailer and you’ll find categories for horror, suspense, thriller, religion, history – there is even a bloody pets section! That means that Fido the bunny rabbit who lives in your garden even has his own reading section.

But what about Nick Hornby? Or Mike Gayle? And let’s not forget the likes of Danny Wallace, Matt Dunn, Nick Spalding and Jon Rance. I could go on!

Where do all these great writers live? Comedy maybe. Chick lit possibly. Self-help perhaps (in the cases of some men!).

No, I’ll tell you where they live – in fiction. That’s right, fiction. The place where everyone lives! Stephen King drops by when he is not staying at his luxurious holiday home in horror. Sophie Kinsella lives there while her chick lit mansion is being renovated. JK Rowling stays over whilst her Fantasy castle is being relocated to Monaco. And as all these wonderful authors come and go as they please, poor old Hornby and co can do nothing but look enviously on, knowing full well that they have a perfectly good genre that bookshelves everywhere choose to ignore. Being confined to fiction is a bit like still living with your parents – you have no independence.

Sure, I’m being a little dramatic, so let me put it another way. After you have read a Helen Fielding novel and want to read something similar, you go and check out some of her chick lit peers and read an Adele Parks book. The same when you read Robert Ludlum and progress to Jeff Abbott, or when you pick up James Herbert after reading Dean Koontz.

But where do you go after reading Matt Dunn? Did you know that there a new kid on the block called Ben Adams who has been having some pretty decent success with his first two novels? Or after zipping through Mike Gayle’s awesome collection of books, would you automatically think about picking up something by Jon Rance?

That is why I’m doing this Lad Lit Blog Tour. Lad lit is funny, it’s endearing, it’s nostalgic, it’s emotional, it’s relatable; it’s everything you could want from a good contemporary novel. And despite the name, lad lit is for both men and women. When Chick Lit Plus reviewed my debut novel The Drought they said: “Steven Scaffardi's first novel is absolutely hilarious and will leave every reader, male or female, laughing out loud.”

The frustrating thing is that most readers have not heard of lad lit. In fact, most of the book bloggers who have kindly agreed to host me on this Lad Lit Blog Tour tell me they are not familiar with the genre, yet you only need to pop along to Goodreads to see that the majority of people who have read one of my novels respond with something along the lines of ‘laugh out loud’ funny, although you will find one reviewer that called The Drought imbecilic, but you can’t please everyone all the time. Besides, it is a story about a guy trying to break his dry patch endless streak. I guess that is a little imbecilic!

But back to the point in hand! Lad lit can’t simply keep sleeping on chick lit’s couch. We have gate-crashed that party for long enough, and even though it’s a relationship that makes sense, they both need a bit of space from each other to do their own thing.

So over the next 30 days, please join me as I attempt to fly the flag for lad lit (and of course do a little bit of promotion for my Sex, Love and Dating Disasters series) and if by the end of the tour, a few more people have picked up a lad lit novel and given it a read, then my mission is complete.

Thank you for having me Julie, you’ve been a wonderful host, but just like the littlest hobo it’s time for me to keep moving on. Maybe tomorrow I’ll want to settle down – and you can find out by joining me at My Book File.

Steven Scaffardi is the author of the Sex, Love and Dating Disaster series. His first novel, The Drought, is the laugh-out-loud tale of one man's quest to overcome the throes of a sexual drought. After the stormy break-up with his girlfriend of three years, Dan Hilles is faced with the daunting task of throwing himself back into the life of a single man. With the help of his three best pals, Dan is desperate and determined to get his leg-over with hilarious consequences!

#LadLitBlogTour Flashback! A new tour will be announced shortly...!

Back in April 2016, I embarked on a 46-day blog tour to celebrate the release of my second novel The Flood.

With the impending release of my third novel in the Sex, Love and Dating Disasters series, I wanted to take a quick peek back through that original blog tour before announcing the dates for the #LadLitBlogTour part two, by re-posting all of those wonderful book reviews, guest posts and author interviews here on my blog, as well social media.

And if you are a book blogger/reviewer interested in taking part in the new tour, please contact me at steven.scaffardi@gmail.com.

EXCLUSIVE! Sneak preview of the first chapter from the new book...

Okay, okay, it has been way too long! I hold my hands up - I have neglected this blog for far too long, but in my defence and in the words of the great Tom Stade, my children have compromised my dreams! :)

I guess I owe all fans (yes, all three of you) of the Sex, Love & Dating Disasters series a huge apology for my radio silence, but since the release of The Flood last year I am pleased to say that I have been working on the third instalment, and I am delighted to release a sneak peek at the first chapter.

This is a work in progress so it is definitely subject to change, but I'd love to get your feedback and initial thoughts. Hit or miss? Funny or not? Excited or underwhelmed? I have three weeks off work over Xmas and after resisiting the urge to download Football Manager 2018, I am 100% committed to working flat out to get as much done on this new novel, and to reveal more details in the coming weeks.

I hope you enjoy this snippet...

One
Stone the flamin’ crows…‘Okay Dan,’ I whispered to myself, exhaling a large gulp of oxygen, creating a feint whooshing noise. ‘You can do this.’
I took another deep breath and released, creating a small puff of vapour brought on by the cold night air. I held my hand up to knock at the door, but the nerves paralysed me. I closed my eyes tight, willing myself to do this.
‘Come on, pull yourself together,’ I muttered, attempting some sort of personal pep talk, but my clenched fist remained frozen, held aloft, more reminiscent of a poor man’s fist pump than an actual attempt to knock at a door. I must have looked like Tim Henman at Wimbledon from yesteryear; my balled fist of conviction not fooling anyone. I was doomed to failure.
‘Come on,’ I urged myself again, but my body simply wouldn't respond. It was like I'd reverted to that 12-year-old version of myself, desperately trying to build up the courage to call Fiona Mendleson all those years ago. I must have picked up the phone, dialled and hung up immediately at least 30 times that day before finally finding the spirit to see it through, only for her dad to answer and shout at me for my incessant drop-calling. At which point I hung up again.
But that was then, and this was now. That timid 12-year-old boy had been replaced by a 25-year-old man. Albeit a man who was too scared to knock at a girl’s door.
‘Damn it, we spoke about this.’ I hissed at myself, annoyed that I'd talked myself into coming here and now I was going to bottle it.
I slowly lowered my hand. I wasn't going to knock. You could give me 30 opportunities to knock and I'd still freeze like a rabbit caught in the headlights, and there wasn't even an overprotective dad in sight to tell me off this time.
‘You're pathetic,’ I cursed myself, my head bowed, eyes shut tight in shame and disappointment. After everything I had experienced over the last week – the chaos that was that trip to Latvia that I'd wanted to tell her about so much – it was ridiculous that I couldn't even bring myself to knock on at her door.
I was mad, mad at myself for building my hopes up that coming here tonight was a good idea. What was I thinking? I continued to berate myself, the whispers of self-deprecation acting as some sort of strange comfort as I resumed my lonely, solitary conversation with myself
‘What would the boys say right now if they could see you? I'll tell you what they'd say, they'd say man-up! Take off those frilly knickers and grow a pair!’ Well, that’s what Jack would say.
But I wasn't finished there. Fuelled by the thoughts of what my best friends would say (again, Jack in particular), I went one step further and adopted a silly high-pitched impression of a little girl.
‘What's wrong Dan? Did you leave your training bra at home?!’
‘Who goes there?!’
The voice startled me out of my monologue. I looked up to see a pension-aged woman peering around the corner of her doorway the next house along, hair in curlers and wearing a pink fluffy dressing gown that had seen better days.
‘Sorry,’ I whispered, aware that I'd probably been talking louder than I thought. ‘I didn't mean to disturb you.’
‘Tom!’ she yelled. ‘There is a strange man out here taking about frilly knickers and bras.’ She fumbled at something in her hands, before shining a torch in my face. ‘I think it's that pervert who has been stealing my underwear from the washing line.’
The light momentarily blinded me, and I held my hand up to block the yellow beam, just in time to see Tom appear at the doorway in his vest and braces, holding up his baggy brown trousers which were held in place just under his armpits.
‘Get out of here you bloody nonce!’ The old man yelled at me, defending his wife's honour. ‘You'll be getting no more panties from this house tonight!’
‘Shhh,’ I did my best to placate him, although the next line out of my mouth wasn't that well thought through. ‘I'm not here for your wife's old briefs!’
‘Don't make me come over there and teach you a lesson, sonny.’
But before I had the chance to reply, a third voice entered the foray, this one coming from the opposite side.
‘Everything okay, Tom?’ a bespectacled man asked from the open doorway of a house to the left.
‘It’s the underwear thief, Chris,’ Tom yelled to his neighbour, which only served to wake the neighbourhood as a scatter of living room lights flickered to life up and down that small stretch of road, accompanied by the occasional dog bark; a clear signal the commotion had not gone unnoticed.
‘I'm not an underwear thief,’ I pleaded my case, trying to bring an end to this sorry scene.
‘You filthy little git,’ Chris with the specs said, a healthy dose of disgust clung to his words. ‘So you're the one who's been wearing my Trisha’s stockings and suspenders?’
‘I've not been wearing anyone's stockings and suspenders,’ I fired back, now on the edge of hysteria, unsure how I'd quite managed to get myself into this situation. I'd simply come here tonight to see the face of the girl I loved. It was bad enough that I'd wimped out of knocking on her door, but how it had escalated into this was beyond me. This night simply couldn't get any worse.
‘What’s going on out here?’
I stand corrected. It just got worse.
‘Dan? What are you doing here?’
It was a voice that tipped me over that edge. There she was, the reason I now found myself in this ludicrous position. I was twisted over this girl; she’d got to me like no one else. I had so much to tell her, but I had no idea where to start.
‘That’s the underwear thief,’ Tom’s wife said.
Explaining that I wasn't the underwear thief was probably a good place to start.
‘I'm not the underwear thief,’ I repeated, looking from Tom and his wife and then to a Chris. ‘I'm not!’ And finally, I turned to Kelly, my voice softening. ‘The only thing I'm here to steal is your heart.’
Okay, I didn't say that last line, but that was my intention. I loved this girl and I didn't care who knew. But instead of that rather corny Hollywood line, I think I mumbled something like: ‘I don't wear women's underwear, Kelly.’
See why I tried to convince you that I used the Hollywood line? Anything would have been better than having to defend accusations being thrown my way that I stole an old lady’s panties and then wore them like some sort of trophy.
‘It’s okay guys,’ Kelly said to reassure her neighbours. ‘This is a friend of mine. He might be a lot of things,’ she continued with a grin, ‘but he's not the type to dress up in women's clothes. At least I hope not.’
‘I don't!’
Kelly apologised to Chris, Tom and Tom’s wife for the disturbance. I offered a rather meek ‘Sorry’ which I'm sure didn't really appease them, especially as Tom’s wife continued to eye me suspiciously when I said I hoped they caught the real underwear thief soon. Eventually they all retreated into their homes.
Kelly stared at me, not in a confrontational way, but her raised eyebrows and half smile was enough to tell me that she wanted to know what I was doing here.
‘Hi Kelly,’ I said, rather sheepishly.
‘Hi Dan,’ she returned with a full smile. ‘Why don't you come in before the police get here to arrest the notorious underwear thief.’
She stepped aside to let me in. I wandered into her living room, and turned to see Kelly standing in the doorway, arms folded, but still smiling.
It was the first time I'd laid eyes on her in two weeks. She was wearing a mauve pyjama t-shirt with check patterned bottoms. Her curly brown hair bounced softly against her shoulders, and her dark brown eyes dazzled in that dimly lit room. And those curves, of my God, those curves!
She was a sight for sore eyes, the last person I thought of at night before I went to sleep and the first person on my mind when I opened my eyes in the morning. I'd barely been back in the country for two hours and she had been the first person I wanted to see; to tell her about the adventure I'd just been on.
‘What are you doing here, Dan?’ Kelly broke the silence, forcing the issue as to why the prime suspect in the mysterious missing underwear case had turned up at her house after dark without any warning.
It was a fair question, but where could I start? The last time we had seen each other was not exactly conventional. In fact, having greeted her at the airport following her return from a years-long travelling, I'd made a bit of a fool of myself, practically laying my heart out on the line to her, only for it to be crushed in a split second.
But more about that later.
I was here on a mission, to repair some of that damage, but to also show Kelly that I was not going down without a fight.
‘I just...’ I hesitated. But I'd come too far to back out now. Time to lay it all on the line. ‘I just wanted to see you.’
And there it was it, in its most simplistic form. I just wanted to see her. I had so much more to tell her, but right now, those six little words were all I wanted her to know.
‘Are you sure that isn't just your alibi to clear your name for stealing Mrs Daly’s undergarments?’ Kelly said, smiling and lightly swaying to one side.
‘Maybe,’ I smiled back. And then silence. Not an awkward silence, but a silence that said a thousand words. The electricity in that room was so strong you could have cut it with a knife.
‘What are you really doing here Dan?’
Okay Kelly, time for the main event. No going back now, Dan.
‘I don't know,’ I started, attempting to play down the magnitude of this moment. Hey, I didn't want to come across too desperate, right? ‘I've just got back from a crazy trip in Latvia with the boys, and I guess I just wanted to tell someone about it.’ I paused, searching her eyes, hoping that she was feeling the same as me. ‘I wanted to tell you about it.’
It was time to stop tip-toeing around the subject. Kelly was the girl for me. Whenever anything of any significance happened in my life, she was the first person I wanted to tell about it.
I started to piece all those heartfelt words together in my head that completed the most wonderful jigsaw in the world. Words like friendship, yearning, warmth, caring, tenderness, affection, fondness, devotion, passion.
Love.
They completed a Scrabble board of my feelings towards her. Nothing could stop me hitting the high score in this game and winning her heart. It was time to do this.
‘Kelly…’
Click.
I didn't hear the lock turning to open the front door, but I did feel the sudden draft of cool air pass through me. Then a voice. That voice.
‘Hi babe, only me.’
Kelly shifted uncomfortably, the corners of her smile took on a new meaning; forced. Then the voice again, moving towards us from the hall.
‘I just saw Chris outside.’ That deep Australian twang stabbed at my senses, making my teeth itch. ‘He said you've got the underwear thief in here.’
And then he appeared at the door.
‘What's going on babe?’ He greeted her with a kiss.
‘Carlos,’ Kelly started, a glimmer of apprehension to her tone. ‘This is my friend Dan. You met him the other week at the airport.’
Carlos narrowed his eyes at me, trying to recall our brief encounter.
‘Oh yeah,’ he beamed. ‘How's it going Darren?’
Darren? It didn't even sound like Dan! But before I had time to correct him, he grabbed my hand and shook it. ‘So, you're the one who's been sniffing old lady Daly’s underwear, huh?’ And he laughed, although it was more of a bellow. Either way, I didn't like it much.
‘I'm not the underwear thief,’ I said, pulling away from his firm handshake. ‘It was all just a misunderstanding.’
‘Sure it was, Darren.’ Carlos chuckled again, slapping me across the top of my arm. It was quite forceful, causing me to stumble slightly from one foot to the other, but I regained my composure to save face, although the fact I instinctively reached to give my arm a little rub pretty much killed any equilibrium I'd attempted to display.
‘And my name is not Darren,’ I sputtered out; trying to win back some sort of control, although it quickly dawned on me that this whole bumbling act was nothing short of a Boris Johnson impression without the blonde hair and posh accent.
‘He's just teasing you,’ Kelly interjected. ‘Take no notice of him, Dan.’
‘Of course I am,’ Carlos said, a big beaming smile plastered across his rugged good-looks. He wrapped his muscular arm around Kelly’s waist and gently pulled her towards him. She didn't resist, but continued to look awkward, for my sake more than anything else.
I kind of nodded and half-smiled to acknowledge how bloody hilarious Carlos was. Pretending to get someone's name wrong – what a comedian. Not.
I sized him up, recalling our first meeting two weeks ago. All of those initial thoughts came flooding back. That Australian confidence and bravado oozed from every orifice. The dark tan that sparkled against his athletic physique was the perfect match, and the stubble he was sporting was more manly than trying to be too stylish, but it worked on both levels.
He had this constant grin on his face, like he was always on the verge of revealing the punchline to the world’s funniest joke.
I desperately wanted to find something wrong with him; a fault in his make-up that would boost my own self-esteem that I somehow had a chance of winning Kelly back from this Aussie pin-up.
And then a final thought seeded itself into my brain; the exact same thought that had planted itself in my head when I first laid eyes on him when he'd initially shattered my heart by returning home with Kelly. My Kelly.
I bet he's got a big penis.
The bastard.
God I hated him. Of course he had a big penis; guys like Carlos breeze through life without a care in the world, because quite frankly, when you have a big penis, what have you got to worry about?
But as I continued to ponder the advantages of being well-endowed, something awful happened. The thoughts flying through my head whisked me away into a daydream, staring aimlessly at nothing in particular; that glazed wide-eyed look gave away the fact that the lights were on, but no one was home.
‘Whoa, you okay there mate?’ Carlos shook me from my trance-like state back into the real world. ‘Why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer!’
At first I didn't have a clue what he was going on about. Another wisecrack that no doubt was laugh-out-loud in his head, but as I shook off the remaining cobwebs, it dawned on me that in my half-conscious state whilst I contemplated the size of Carlos’ manhood, I had been staring straight at the bulge in his jeans.
‘I wasn't… I mean I…’ I stuttered like Gareth Gates on acid. I'd come to win back Kelly’s affections and now found myself having to explain away the reason I had been eyeing up her boyfriend’s impressive lunchbox.
But before I had a chance to even attempt to explain why I'd been staring at his groin, Carlos beat me to the punch.
‘Hey, will you quit looking at my cock.’
‘I… No, I wasn't…’ Oh God this was so awkward. I literally had no words (other than admitting I was trying to work out the size of his willy, but I couldn't exactly say that!).
‘Carlos!’ Kelly giggled, tugging at his muscular tanned arm. ‘I told you to stop teasing him. Take no notice of him Dan. That's just his way.’
And the way she said ‘his way’ left an ache in my heart. It was said with endearment, as though his way made her laugh and feel good inside. I felt I couldn't compete with that, especially as my way at that precise moment in time was to get caught looking at another man’s package.
‘I hope you're not trying to get a peek at my underwear,’ Carlos jibed, his big white smile mocking me again. ‘We’d better keep our undies under lock and key whilst Darren is around!’
I smiled, a rather pathetic smile that said I somehow found myself in the rather unenviable position of now being happy to be labelled a knicker thief called Darren, instead of having to explain why I was taking such a keen interest in his meat and two veg.
I followed up my pathetic smile with an even more pathetic chortle, which sounded more like the air being released from a balloon. For a second, it killed the mood.
‘Anyway,’ I said to break the awkward silence brought on by my weirdness. ‘I guess I'd better be heading off.’
‘But you only just got here,’ Kelly said, her tone urging me to stay. ‘Besides, you said you wanted to tell me all about this crazy trip to Latvia.’
‘What crazy trip to Latvia?’ Carlos butted in. ‘Isn't that one of those Eastern European countries you poms like to go to for bachelor parties?’
‘Yes, but it wasn't a stag do…’ I tried to explain, but Carlos was clearly excited and cut me off.
‘I bet you’ve got lots of stories and about strippers, booze and hookers, and shit like that, eh?’
‘Well, yes, but it wasn't like that…’
‘This sounds like a great story!’ He turned to Kelly. ‘Babe, I'm going to get a drink. Glass of wine?’ Kelly nodded her head, before Carlos made a dash to the kitchen. ‘I'll get you a tinnie too, Darren.’
‘It’s Dan!’ I shouted, but the second I heard Carlos’ distant laugh I knew I shouldn't have bitten. As Carlos sought out alcohol, my eyes rested back on Kelly. ‘This story isn't all about strippers, booze and hookers.’ I protested.
She smiled, shook her head ever so slightly and walked towards me. ‘It’s good to see you again, Dan,’ and she put her arms around me and hugged me. For some reason, I was taken aback and hesitated to return the hug for a split second. Maybe it was having her back in my arms after all this time, or maybe I'd built this moment up in my head for so long that a simple hug sucked the life out of me. Whatever it was, I eventually wrapped my arms around Kelly and held on tight. I never wanted to let go.
You see, Kelly and I had a bit of history. We'd worked together and before she left to go travelling, we'd become good friends, then more than friends. We even had a bit of a fling, if that's what you could call it. Okay, we had sex. Once. But it was amazing, and I'd thought about her pretty much every day since she left.
Standing there, with her in my arms, it just felt right.
‘Jesus mate, I go away for two minutes and I come back and find you dry humping my missus!’
Carlos’ voice jolted me away from Kelly, who just rolled her eyes; an indication that she was all too used to his sense of humour. Me on the other hand, I was still a bumbling idiot and reacted all too easily.
‘I wasn't dry humping her,’ I pleaded my defence, the first hint of my impatience wrapped itself around my tone. ‘We were just, er –‘ dammit, I'd said more than I needed to, and now found myself trying to explain away something that didn't need any further explanation ‘– hugging it out.’
‘Hugging it out?’ Carlos recoiled, his face itching to take the piss out of my response. ‘Who are you? Ari Gold?’
I sighed, the final line of my defence when I didn't really have a better response.
‘Come on, let's sit down,’ Kelly said, motioning us over towards the sofa to put me out of my misery at the hands of this joker.
We sat down, me on the armchair and Carlos next to Kelly on the sofa. He threw a can of lager at me, which I just about did enough to catch, and then he cracked open his can and took a big gulp. Kelly sipped on her wine, and perched herself on the edge of the seat.
‘So come on then mate,’ Carlos said. ‘Let’s hear this story.’
‘I’m not too sure where to start,’ I said, holding the can in my hand.
‘The beginning is normally a good place,’ Carlos said, laughing at his own joke. The idiot.
I ignored him. The truth was I really didn't know where or even how to start this story. It was one of those ‘too crazy to believe’ stories; the type you'd only see in a film, or to make it easier for Carlos, an episode of Neighbours.
‘How did this all come about?’ Kelly asked, encouraging me. She'd seen first-hand the ridiculous and downright bizarre situations I'd managed to get myself into over the last couple of years. If anyone was going to believe this story, it would be her. ‘Does this have anything to do with when we last saw each other at the airport?’ Kelly asked.
Ah yes, the airport. Kelly knew me too well.
‘It certainly played a big part in what played out,’ I replied.
It was that night two weeks ago that I’d made the mad dash to the airport with Rob, along with our two best friends Jack and Ollie, to try and stop Rob’s girlfriend, Veronika, from flying back home to Latvia.
But we were too late.
We missed her by minutes. Rob was devastated. I'd never seen him like this before. Rob was not the type of guy to fall for a girl that easily. If anything, he was normally spoilt for choice due to the fact he was so good looking that he was never short of admirers and tended to jump from one girl to the other.
But Veronika was clearly different. She'd ignited a flame in Rob; the type of fire that burns brightly when you know you've met the one. I should know, that same fire was burning inside me right now.
‘What happened next?’ Kelly asked, intrigued.
‘That's when I saw you.’ It was true. After all of that, I bumped into Kelly who was returning to the UK after her year of globe-trotting. I can't tell you how happy I was to see her.
But she wasn't alone, of course. She'd picked up Carlos along the way, and I'd pretty much hated the guy since I'd laid eyes on him.
‘But what made you all fly off to Latvia?’ Kelly pressed me.
‘Because we made a pact.’ I told her about the promise we'd made to each other that night at the airport.
We promised to help Rob find Veronika, no matter what. We promised Ollie that once we got back home, we'd help him win the heart of a girl called Steph who he'd fallen head over heels in love with, but she was engaged to some arsehole banker. As for Jack, we'd simply promised to find a girl – any girl – who could put up with his crap! That was perhaps the biggest challenge of them all.
‘That’s amazing,’ Kelly said. “The fact that you guys care about each other so much at you made this pact. I didn't know men cared so much.’
‘Well,’ I shrugged, playing it nonchalant like it was no big deal, but inside I felt like I'd struck gold. If I played this whole thing right, maybe, just maybe, I could win Kelly’s heart back tonight.
‘Yeah, amazing,’ Carlos scoffed, shuffling forward in his seat, taking another swig on his beer. ‘Back home in Oz, you'd probably get beat up for acting like that, but if you poms like that sort of thing, good luck to you.’
And he smiled. It's was a mocking smile. A smile that said: ‘You'll never win Kelly back with crap like that.’
What he didn't know was that I had an ace up my sleeve. My story was so amazing, so eventful, so romantic (kind of), that once I was done telling it, I'd be a hero in Kelly’s eyes.
‘What made this Veronika sheila run off in the first place?’ Carlos paused, making it all too obvious that he had another wisecrack up his sleeve. ‘Did she get spooked after coming home and find Rob’s best friend going through her underwear drawer?’
‘Carlos!’ Kelly slapped Carlos across the top of his thigh, as he raised his hands with a stupid look on his face like he'd done nothing wrong.
‘What?’ he said. ‘I'm only having a bit of fun. You don't mind do you, Darren?’
‘Not at all,’ I lied, through gritted teeth.
‘I just want to hear the whole story, like you babe,’ Carlos turned his attentions back to Kelly.
Okay Carlos, I'll tell you the whole story, but be warned – after I've finished, Kelly will be so impressed that she’ll practically fall out of your arms and into mine.
I cracked open my can of lager, forgetting that not two minutes ago Carlos had launched the can at me, and the beer inside that tin exploded, drenching my face in foam.
I think it took exactly 0.3 seconds for Carlos to react with howls of laughter. Even Kelly joined in, although she at least attempted to stifle her sniggering. This was going to be a long night.
‘It all started two weeks ago,’ I said, wiping the remnants of beer from my face.