Nathan Marchand's Blog, page 23

‘Hot and Twisted’ – Coming to a Theatre Near You!

Pizza Hut recently unveiled 17—yes, 17—new pizzas and several other new products in an effort to appeal to a younger demographic (and become the Subway of pizzerias?). I’ve tried several of these new products, and they are tasty. The problem is they have ridiculous names. Some sound like titles for cheesy workout videos, like the Skinny Beach, Skinny Club, and Skinny with a Kick. One of my favorites is the Buffalo State of Mind, which on their computer screens is shortened to “Buff State of Mind.” That sounds like an exercise video hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger that will prepare you to go to the Skinny Beach and join the Skinny Club.

That, however, isn’t what I’m writing about today.

What follows is a transcript for a fictional ‘70s exploitation action film using the names of other new Pizza Hut products (they’ll be in bold). No joke. That’s how goofy these names sound.

Enjoy!

In a ‘hood where a restaurant doubles as a whorehouse, Pretzel Piggy, the fattest and tannest pimp in Harlem, gets rich forcing his girls cook meals and sell their bodies as dessert. Even the cops turn their backs because his women were sweeter than donuts.

Now three of his hottest hookers are fighting back!

Ginger Boom-Boom , the black babe with a shotgun!

Ginger: I’m gonna smack that fake bake offa Piggy’s face!

Sweet Sriracha Dynamite , the roller derby girl who loves pipebombs almost as much she does skates!

Dynamite: I’m a recipe for disaster!

Cherry Pepper Bombshell , the femme fatale who’ll seduce you and then stab you in the back—literally!

Cherry: For the last time, I use a knife, not cherry bombs!

Nothing can satisfy their hunger for justice. These sisters-in-arms won’t stop until they find Pretzel Piggy and blow his house down!

Revenge is a dish best served…HOT!

Schlock Films presents…Hot and Twisted!

Written and directed by Quintin Tarantino.

Coming soon to a theatre near you!

(And don’t miss the sequel—Meatbrawl!)

Juggling Hats

My writing productivity has been hampered lately. The big reasons for that have been that my laptop is getting fixed (again!) and my day job, despite being part-time, has delayed me from reviewing the TV shows, among other things, that I normally review for Examiner.

But there’s another reason why, albeit a good and necessary one:

Promotion.

When a writer is self-published or with a small publishing house like I am, he does most of the promotion for his books on his own (heck, even writers with big publishers have to promote themselves). He has to update his websites and social media with links to new books (like I did yesterday with Destroyer: Deluxe Edition). Then he have to share that everywhere. For me, I barely have time for Facebook, let alone Tumblr or Twitter (I’d hire someone to tweet for me and give him the title, “Nate Marchand’s official twit”). Heck, even keeping up with a weekly blog post is a pain. Sometimes I miss a week or post it later (I try to post every Thursday), and that’s just when I don’t have other announcements to mention—like my book signing this weekend. (See how I keep promoting myself!)

Also, as a self-published author, I have to do all the cool but mundane things I normally take for granted, like design my book’s exterior and interior. I have to design the cover myself or hire someone to do it. Depending on the website I use, getting artwork to fit may be a chore. For the interior, I can format it—often two times if I make a print book and an e-book, the latter of which can be a chore—find and download fonts, & convert to different file types. And before I even get to this I have to edit the book myself, which will mean commissioning beta readers to edit it.

Like I said, all the stuff you don’t think about you must do. The writer becomes editor, artist, salesman, and graphic designer. That’s a lot of hats to juggle!

Don’t think I’m complaining, because I’m not. I enjoy these things. It expands my skillset. I’m a shameless self-promoter, so that comes naturally. But when I’m doing all those things, I’m not able to write, and that sometimes makes me feel guilty. All these stories bouncing around in my brain like balls on Pong—it’s nerve-wracking! You know what it’s like having fictional characters yell at you for not telling their stories? It’s almost like being schizophrenic! They’d rather I do that than get people to read their stories. Well, sometimes they do.

So, if you want to be a writer because it’s glamorous, go become a doctor. Writing is work. Fun work, yes, but a lot of work. It’s not for the faint of heart.

But, oh man, is it worth it!

Presenting…’Destroyer (Deluxe Edition)’!

Artwork by Tyler Sowles. Designed by Nathan Marchand.

After several years in print, Destroyer, a giant monster novella I co-authored with Natasha Hayden and Timothy Deal, is now available in a new special edition!

I’ve migrated the book from Lulu to Createspace. Lulu was a good home for it a few years ago, but I’ve realized Createspace is where the money is at. This new edition is a bit bigger than the previous one and looks more professional and, for lack of a better term, legit.

But the big draw for this new edition is the inclusion of a bonus story. “House of the Living,” as you may recall, was written by my friend and fellow author Nick Hayden a few years back. It makes its first appearance in print in Destroyer (Deluxe Edition).

In the distant future, a group of scientists and soldiers create a giant cyborg dragon to end a destructive war, but the creature goes berserk and strands them behind enemy lines in Moscow. Now the survivors must destroy the creature before distrust and madness tears them apart.

I’ll be unveiling the book officially at the ACPL Authors’ Fair this weekend with Nick Hayden!

Buy Destroyer (Deluxe Edition) here on Amazon!

But I Digress…, Episode 27: 2nd Anniversary Special

“But I Digress…”

Hosted by Nathan Marchand

Two years! Two years I’ve been doing this show. (I’m as surprised as you, trust me).

To celebrate, as has become an unintentional tradition with me, I discuss selling books at conventions. However, this time you’ll be hearing from some of my dear writer friends from Gen-Con 2014. Yes, you don’t have to listen to be ramble for once. Enjoy!

Please comment, subscribe, and share!

My Top 5 Favorite Horror Films

(My apologies, readers. I’d meant to post this before October 31, first as a video and then as a blog. Neither happened, but I hope you’ll enjoy reading it anyway, because I thought I owed it to you). It’s that time of the year again. The air gets nippy. The leaves burst into fiery colors and tumble to the ground. The days are shorter. It’s a bit…spooky. Sing it with me now! “This is Halloween! This is Halloween!” The holiday isn’t complete with scary movies. Admittedly, I’m not the biggest consumer of fright flicks, but that’s most because most of the new ones are stupid (as I discuss in this GigaGeek Magazine article and this episode of “But I Digress…”). However, there are some that I truly love. If you’re looking for a few films to marathon through after the kids are done trick-or-treating, I highly recommend these.

#5: John Carpenter’s The Thing

This terrifying remake of a ‘50s B-movie is one of the smartest horror films I’ve ever seen. It has none of the stereotypical idiot characters. While it does have gross gore and freakish creatures, the real terror comes from the isolated Antarctic location and the paranoia that rips a tightly-knit science team apart as a shapeshifting alien organization takes over each of them.

#4: Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Wes Craven’s classic is a variation of the then popular (and overused) slasher movie: a killer who attacks victims in their dreams. Freddy Krueger became an icon with his trademark sweater, hat, claws, and dark wit. The film has an otherworldly quality to it thanks to the dream sequences. Plus, in a rare treat, it features a strong heroine who refuses to become Freddy’s next victim. Interesting bit of trivia: this is Johnny Depp’s first movie. He plays the heroine’s boyfriend.

#3: Fright Night (1985)

A horror/comedy that is both genuinely funny and scary, it is a film with a perfectly simple concept: a teenage boy thinks his new next-door neighbor is a vampire, but no one believes him, so he desperately seeks help from a washed-up horror movie actor. The best characters aren’t the teenage hero, but the old actor–played by Roddy McDowall of Planet of the Apes fame—and the vampire (played by Chris Sarandon). The former is a cynical yet likable fellow with sharp, sarcastic wit (who’s not afraid to take jabs at the current horror movie trends), while the latter is a man whose often mesmerizing charm masks a powerful evil. Add in a cat-and-mouse game being played by the desperate teenage boy and his undead nemesis, and you have a fun (and frightening) night out.

#2: Jaws

The movie that launched director Steven Spielberg’s career, created the summer blockbuster, and arguably inspired Sharknado. While based on the novel by Peter Benchley, it’s one of the rare times, I’d say, that the movie is better than the book (the novel was padded with an unnecessary subplot where Brody’s wife has an affair with Hooper). My favorite character is Quint, played by the scene-stealing Robert Shaw, a grizzled sailor with a Captain Ahab complex. He might be mad, but you can’t help but like his gruff attitude. Spielberg famously kept the anomatronic shark’s screen time to a minimum because he thought it looked fake. By doing so, he increased the film’s tension and gave the monster a stronger presence. Throw in classic lines like, “We need a bigger boat!” and you have an instant classic.

#1: Alien

“In space, no one can hear you scream.” (One of the best taglines ever!)

If I had to choose a film that would be the blueprint for crafting the perfect horror movie, it would be Ridley Scott’s classic tale of gothic science fiction. It has powerful atmosphere, a terrifying and unique monster, and strong characters (including a countercultural heroine). The set design is incredible. The Nostromo feels both safe and claustrophobic. It plays upon multiple types and levels of fear, including, shadows, the unknown, and even rape. And it includes only one truly gory scene, but it both shocks the audience and adds to the story. It’s too bad that only one of its sequels, James Cameron’s Aliens, even comes close to equaling it.

Honorable Mentions (or, Films I’d Include on my Top 10) -28 Days Later -Dracula (1931) -Dawn of the Dead (original)

Writers are Sadists

While I don’t hate Steven Moffat, he certainly has a reputation for torturing characters (and audiences). (Image courtesy of Pinterest).

I’ve missed a Thursday or three in my weekly posts the last few months. I should be flogged for that. I’ll probably have to find anorther writer to perform said flogging. Why?

Writers are sadists.

Well, most writers are sadists. Well, closet sadists. (Hear me saying that as the 10th Doctor?)

I’d define a sadist as someone who takes pleasure in the suffering of others. Now, generally speaking, I’d consider sadists to be terrible people (trust me, I’ve dealt with a few). But when you’re a writer—or even just a reader—you have to be one. Sorta.

The backbone of a plot is conflict (and there are nine of them). Without conflict, there is no story. What are essential ingredients for conflict? Trouble, misery, strife, and pain, to name a few. Characters must fight each other, overcome impossible odds, or battle forces (seemingly) beyond their control. As my friend Nick Hayden pointed out: “If a protagonist wakes up fully rested, eats breakfast, enjoys his day at work, comes home to his lovely wife and kids, fiddles on some project, and goes to bed, we might think one of two things: 1.) This is a terrible story. 2.) Uh-oh, everything’s going to hit the fan soon.”

When I attend writers’ meetings—particularly Children of the Wells creative meetings—I’m astonished at how much time writers spend figuring out how to make their characters miserable. Take my novel, Pandora’s Box, for example. I gave Pvt. Brewer the happiest life—career, family, fiancé—much of which she worked hard to get (there’s conflict), but then I took it all away in one fell swoop. If I hadn’t, the book would’ve ended in a few chapters or been terribly boring (like Pamela by Samuel Richardson, a 500-page book I had to slog through in a week during college). I rarely, if ever, wish such misery on people I know, yet I go out of my way to make my brainchildren borderline manic depressants. Yet that’s what makes their triumphs that much more satisfying. J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Lord of the Rings, called this a eucatastrophe: “…the sudden happy turn in a story which pierces you with a joy that brings tears….”

This was one of my problems with modern Christian authors for a long time: they were afraid to make characters miserable or include true suffering in their works (at least when it wasn’t an attempt at proselytizing). That’s why their stories didn’t resound with people. I determined when I started writing that I wouldn’t do that. I’m the kind of writer who puts his characters through Hell so their victory at the end is sweeter. I love those “eucatastrophe” moments. It makes the journey all worthwhile.

Perhaps that means writers like me aren’t necessarily sadists. We want our characters to be happy—they just have to survive long enough to reach the ending. (Get it? “Happy ending”? Never mind).

New Titles at the Upcoming Authors’ Fair!

I’ll be here with my friend/fellow author/collaborator Nick Hayden selling and signing books, both old and “new.”

I haven’t had many book signings lately because I’ve been wanting to have new books to take with me.

I plan to amend that soon at this event.

I’ll be returning to the Allen County Public Library November 8, 2014, for their annual Authors’ Fair. But I won’t be going alone. My friend/fellow author/collaborator Nick Hayden will also be present. I’ll be selling some of my mainstays–Pandora’s Box and The Day After–but I’m excited to announce that I’ll be selling not one but two “new” titles at the fair!

The first will be Destroyer: Deluxe Edition. I’m in the process of migrating that novella from Lulu.com to CreateSpace, and this new edition will include Nick Hayden’s bonus story, “House of the Living,” which will be available exclusively in print in this book!

The second title will be Children of the Wells: Jaysynn Kyzer, Vol. 1. Much like the first collected volume of Children of the Wells novellas, this will collect the first three stories of the serial’s second plotline, which tells the tale of the exiled prince Jaysynn Kyzer as he endeavors to raise an army to liberate his ruined city from a tyrant. It collects The Fall of the House of Kyzer by yours truly, The Rules Change by John Bahler, and the just-released New Wells Rising by Timothy Deal.

Not only that but I will be one of the speakers at a panel entitled, “Not Just for Teens: Trends in Writing for Young Adults” at 1pm.

Be there or be square!

They Lost Roddenberry’s Brain!

I wanted to write about this last week, but busyness and September 11 joined forces to make me write a timelier blog.

Anyway…

 

September 8 marked the 48th anniversary of Star Trek. I’m a Trekker. (I prefer that term to “Trekkie.”) I’ve loved the Star Trek franchise since I was three years old and watched reruns of the Original Series on a local Fox affiliate with my Dad. I’ve watched almost every episode of all five TV series (ST: The Next Generation, ST: Deep Space Nine, ST: Voyager, ST: Enterprise) and I own all the movies (Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is my all-time favorite film). The franchise helped inspire me to become a science fiction writer, so it’s near and dear to me.

I was sad to see Enterprise get cancelled when it finally found its space legs. For several years, I thought the franchise was dead. Then J.J. Abrams revived it with his epic reboot/prequel/remake/whatever. I liked its sequel, Star Trek Into Darkness, even more (despite having a title that would’ve been improved with a well-placed colon).

However, there was always something about Abrams’ version that bugged me. I wasn’t sure what, though. It got many things right: the characters and their dynamics, the adventure, the “personality” of the ships, the optimism, and the music, among other things. It didn’t dawn on me what the issue was until last week. Truthfully, it’s something I think I always knew—and had even heard fans discuss—but it didn’t hit me until then.

They lost Gene Roddenberry’s brain.

Mr. Roddenberry, who died in 1991, created Star Trek as a serious science fiction TV series that addressed mature themes and issues. In other words, it was cerebral science fiction. This was something seen in books and magazines but not on television in that day. It was ahead of its time.

That’s what “Nu Trek” lacks. It’s fun. There’s plenty of space-faring action and adventure with great characters played by wonderful actors, but it isn’t as cerebral. Yes, it plays on themes like friendship and family, but it doesn’t have big sci-fi ideas like the franchise did at its peak. There are no Cold War allegories (the Klingons in TOS), no questions about individuality vs. collectivism (the Borg in TNG), or observations about the effects of religion in people’s lives (the Bajorans and Sisko in DS9). Abrams did exactly what he said he wanted to do: inject some Star Wars into Star Trek (he always preferred the former, hence why he’s directing Episode VII). It wasn’t just in terms of style, though. The story and themes play out more like a Star Wars film.

I’m not saying this is bad. I love Star Wars, but for different reasons. While fans argue which is better, the truth is that they’re apples and oranges. Each is distinct and does what it does well. But with these new films, Trek has veered more in the direction of Wars. I’m not opposed to a new style. Far from it. Any franchise can benefit from a fresh perspective, even from someone who hasn’t been inundated with its lore (Nicholas Meyer wasn’t a fan when he landed the job to direct Wrath of Khan, though he did do his homework). But Abrams’ films aren’t quite Roddenberry’s vision.

Think of it like this: old-school Trek was the class valedictorian while “Nu Trek” is his fun-loving classmate. Sure, he probably gets all B’s in his classes, but he obviously isn’t as smart as the former. Likewise, the valedictorian knows how to have a good time, but he isn’t as much of a party animal.

This is why I’d like to see Trek return to television. It’s easier to tell cerebral stories in a television format. I’m glad Star Trek is fun again, but it needs to have substance, too.

That would please the Great Bird of the Galaxy (Gene’s nickname) and he would bless the franchise even more.

What do you think?

But I Digress…, Episode 26: How to Write Speculative Fiction, Part 3 – Major Subgenres of Fantasy

“But I Digress…”

Hosted by Nathan Marchand

Now that you’ve learned the “rules” for writing speculative fiction, it’s time to learn about the types of stories you can tell. Knowing this will help you focus your writing, ascertain what your audience’s expectations are, and and know how to market your stories.

Here’s Part 1.

Here’s Part 2.

Please comment, subscribe, and share!

September 11: What Do You Say Now?

I’ve written something about September 11, 2001, every year that I’ve had a blog. But now after 13 years, I’m not sure what to say. Indeed, what more can be said? It’s not that the tragedy of the day means nothing to me, because it certainly does. I remember what I did that day quite vividly. The world itself drastically, and so did my little corner of it. I was a child when the Cold War ended. Then at the end of my relatively carefree adolescence did a new enemy—extremist Islam—rear its ugly head. To go any further than those statements would mean getting extremely political, and I’d rather not talk about politics on this solemn day. The events of that day and what has happened since have already been over-politicized, and I refuse to do the same.

The truth is I don’t know what else to say about today that I haven’t already. Yet I feel I must say something so that I don’t forget that day. It would dishonor the lives of the people murdered in those attacks, both the victims and the heroes. They deserve better than to be relegated to a page in a history book. I visited New York City a few years after the attacks. I saw massive holes where the World Trade Center once stood. I visited Washington, D.C. just a month after the attacks and saw the Pentagon with its huge breach. I imagined what it was would’ve been like to see a low-flying plane crash into the building. In many ways, those imaginings still seem more like a movie than real life.

We shouldn’t just September 11, 2001, for the lives that were lost, but for the people we were that day and the months that followed. That is my prayer. It’s times like those when we’re at our best. Complacency is the enemy of greatness.

Perhaps even I have been infected. The fact that I don’t know what more I could say 13 years later might be a sign I myself have become complacent. I truly hope that isn’t true and that it never becomes true.

And may it never be true of you.

Never forget September 11.