A.E. Mayer's Blog, page 2

I Declare the Season's Coolest New Holiday Tradition: Revenge

This time of year, people like to talk a lot of b.s. about giving, the magic of the season, etc. I'd like to take a different tack and talk about a new seasonal theme that, in my opinion, is just … Continue reading →

I Declare the Season’s Coolest New Holiday Tradition: Revenge

This time of year, people like to talk a lot of b.s. about giving, the magic of the season, etc. I’d like to take a different tack and talk about a new seasonal theme that, in my opinion, is just as relevant to the holidays: Revenge.

Think about it. This doesn’t have to be a time of giving and getting crap from HomeGoods that, let’s face it, will ultimately end up in a landfill. The holidays can, and should, be about so much more.

I’m talking about the gift that kharmatically keeps on giving, the gift of getting even. Why now? Because during this season of light and hope, I’m bored by the same old traditions. I want to spice things up.

I’m not going to sit here playing coy, pretending that I’m one of those people who doesn’t believe in revenge. Oh, I do. I so do. Generally, I just prefer to leave revenge to God, and that’s only because I think that if I try to execute balance on my own, I’ll either fall shy of what’s truly deserved or I’ll overshoot the mark and bring on some newly deserved nasty on my own head. I keep my paws clean because I think God will eventually nail evil people harder than I ever could.

However, you may not believe this. Or you may just be sick of waiting. In any case, the holidays are a great time to dole out some of what someone else has coming. Because in this starlit season of giving and loving and that extra glass of wine (or three), no one will see you coming.

If you’re ready to drop the act this ho-ho-ho season and slather some justice down on the hoe-hoe-hoes in your life, here are a handful of ideas to get you going. It’s a baby step primer for beginners, but I’d like to think that it could give even you justice-loving Joan of Arcs out there a moment or two of reflection as well.

Prep your poker face and your rock-hard alibi for the following:

One word: Keys. Our lives revolve around them, and when they go missing, mayhem ensues. The degree that they go missing could be proportionally related to the horribleness of your offender: mailbox, inside a letter addressed to Castro inside the mailbox, the woods, the roof, or the toilet (bowl or tank, your choice).
Where did I put my… It’s not stealing if you don’t remove it from someone’s possession. Taking a passport that’s safe in the study and moving it to an adjacent shelf or another table doesn’t make it any less safe. It may, however, cause the perpetrator to question their sanity.
Forget online bashing and take tweeting to a new level. Pepper their car with bird seed and it will be covered with crap by dawn.
Whiskey, tango, foxtrot? Put a raisin in their toothpaste. It doesn’t sound like it would matter, but it’s unnerving.
The best part of waking up… Put dry coffee grounds in their shoes. It’s unpleasant.
Matchy matchy. If you have access to their socks, take a small percentage (no more than 20%) and dispose of them somewhere they could never be found again.
A penny for your bitchiness. Pennies aren’t a threat, and unless you leave prints, they’re anonymous. Load their personal space with copper to subtly let them know that someone (or something) has invaded their territory. The appearance of unusual objects is the kind of thing that makes you wonder, and wondering is the first step to unraveling. If you don’t like pennies, you could try anything from dried up markers to collections of empty spice containers.
Spam for the greater good. Sign them up for as many charitable organization mailing lists as possible. Unlike slathering people with illicit material, this is spamming someone for a good cause. No one is more persistent than a charity who wants your money, and your evildoer is guaranteed to be inundated with messages. Who knows, maybe they’ll volunteer or something and stop being such a Grinch.

Now, obviously, these ideas (like all forms of evil) can be used for good. Maybe you just want to do a jolly ‘ole prank on a funny uncle, or video your sister searching for her keys or scraping crap off her car to incorporate it into your digital holiday letter.

Either way, I wish you a magical and balanced holiday season. May no one do anything nasty to you, and if they do, may you have it coming. Ho ho ho!

Holiday Queries: What to Give People Who Want Nothing

With the holidays coming up, a lot of people find themselves in a pickle. Not a cute pickle ornament one on the tree that means a dinky prize if you find it first, but a real honest to goodness problem. … Continue reading →

The Pursuit of Non-Tragedy

This week isn't so much of a blog as it is a call to arms from all you happy people out there. You know who you are. The ones who smile a lot and tend to wear their frowns in … Continue reading →

More Great Last Minute Halloween Costumes

This year's Halloween costuming has been a bit of a saga, starting this past summer with a boxed-in promise to deliver a great idea to all you Halloween lovers who are also major planners. Two weeks ago, I cooked up … Continue reading →

Turns Out Invasive Species Aren't That Hard to Kill

Before you jump into this week's literary hill of beans, make sure you read last week's post to get caught up on the action. (Lights come up) So there I was, sitting at my desk, knowing there was a captivating stranger … Continue reading →

Best Homemade Halloween Costume: Phew, I'm Still Original

In my last post, I said that as far as I knew, I was original. Which is true. As far as I knew. Over the summer, I promised to deliver the planet's most unique idea for a homemade Halloween costume, … Continue reading →

Concept of Invasive Species Finally Hits Home

Ask any Hawaiian, and they'll tell you that invasive species are no joke. Seriously. Before people arrived on that jaw-dropping plot of paradise, a new species was only introduced to the island every 30,000 years. Today, it's something like six-bajillion … Continue reading →

Best Homemade Halloween Costume: Thank God, I'm Still Original

In my last post, I said that as far as I knew, I was original. Which is true. As far as I knew. Over the summer, I promised to deliver the planet's most unique idea for a homemade Halloween costume, … Continue reading →

The Most Brilliant Marketing Plan Ever Devised

This particular topic is tagged under "self marketing without being a loser." Today, that's debatable. Or is it? I'm a writer by trade. I work for lots of different kinds of places doing lots of different kinds of writing. I … Continue reading →