Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 68
August 5, 2016
See, Red Green is a Canadian show ... never mind
Nikki was kind enough to put the release about Hoosier Hysterical up on her blog, Nikki’s World, so I’d appreciate it if everyone would check it out and give her efforts some lovin’. (I enjoyed her photo-filled post about the Iowa State Capitol, being someone who put in some quality state capitol time last year.)
http://minothouseatpoohcorner.com/201...
You may have seen the release, which I posted myself a few days ago. But I’d really appreciate everyone passing the word around, not to mention taking a look at my books. Remember, a desperate author is a dangerous thing. Do you really want me to turn my Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction into an erotic novel set in Canada: Fifty Shades of Red Green?
I didn’t think so.
http://minothouseatpoohcorner.com/201...
You may have seen the release, which I posted myself a few days ago. But I’d really appreciate everyone passing the word around, not to mention taking a look at my books. Remember, a desperate author is a dangerous thing. Do you really want me to turn my Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfiction into an erotic novel set in Canada: Fifty Shades of Red Green?
I didn’t think so.
August 4, 2016
Maybe I should have started a 401K
I’m starting out August working 10 days in a row ... which will pretty much take me to mid-August, come to think of it. When I was young—ahem, younger—that kind of schedule wouldn’t have phased me a bit.
But now I’m old … er. Still, it’s all part of my plan: to make overtime and get my bills paid down, so that when I qualify for full retirement, I can just sit back and go to work writing.
A “full retirement” in which I still need to make money may seem ironic, but what am I supposed to do? Spend all my time playing with power tools in a wood working shop? I have only so many fingers.
But now I’m old … er. Still, it’s all part of my plan: to make overtime and get my bills paid down, so that when I qualify for full retirement, I can just sit back and go to work writing.
A “full retirement” in which I still need to make money may seem ironic, but what am I supposed to do? Spend all my time playing with power tools in a wood working shop? I have only so many fingers.
August 3, 2016
Re-Releasing the Release
I sent a news release for Hoosier Hysterical to every Indiana news organization I could find, thinking it would be an interesting bicentennial related feature for them. So far the result has been disappointing, with only a few local papers carrying it as far as I know (although a review should be coming out soon in WhatzUp, a regional Fort Wayne publication.)
I’m putting it up here in case anyone’s curious, needs an example for their own promotions (but—did I do it right?), and/or wants to pass it on … or happens to own a major TV network. Or a minor one.
Indiana Author Combines Humor and History in Hoosier Hysterical
Indiana history gets turned on its head in a new book, Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All.
Mark R Hunter of Albion decided to celebrate Indiana’s bicentennial, and enlisted his wife, Emily, to poke some fun at Hoosier history and trivia. The result is a tongue-in-cheek romp through the state from prehistoric times on, covering everything from rotary jails, locks of Elvis hair, and even where the name “Indiana” was stolen from.
“When Emily didn’t roll her eyes at me, I knew I was on to something,” Mark says of the idea. The pair previously collaborated on two local history books: Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With the Albion Fire Department. They also put together a collection of Mark’s humor columns, Slightly Off the Mark.
Mark R Hunter is also the author of three novels and a short story collection. In Hoosier Hysterical, he riffs on everything from early American history:
“Some say Columbus actually got here hundreds of years before 1492, on a Viking River Cruise.”
To ancient American burial mounds:
“The purpose of those mounds remained a puzzle, until a twelve year old boy from Clarksville pointed out the natives seemed to have no outhouses. This came as a tremendous shock to archeologists of the time, who were known to be very hands-on.”
To the origins of the nickname “Hoosier”:
“Indiana flatboat crewmen … were called “hoosa men” after the Indian word for corn, “hoosa”. This theory fails to account for the fact that the Indians never called corn “hoosa”.
And even how the Indiana state flag ended up in a Batman movie:
“Some brave souls talked of sneaking into Gotham to steal our flag back, but … you know … Batman.”
Along the way, Hoosier Hysterical covers wars, economics, sports, and politics, as well as everything from weather to famous Hoosiers. But the authors are quick to point out that, despite doing a large amount of research and trying to stay true to the facts, their main emphasis was on humor. “The problem with history isn’t that it’s not interesting,” Mark points out in the book’s forward: “It’s that it’s not made interesting.”
He quickly adds, “So sit back and learn something fun about history. When you’re done, read this book.”
Hoosier Hysteria and all the Hunters’ books can be found at http://markrhunter.com/,
And on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/e....
Mark R Hunter can be reached by e-mail at markrichardhunter@gmail.com.
He can also be found on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter/, and on Twitter at @MarkRHunter
I’m putting it up here in case anyone’s curious, needs an example for their own promotions (but—did I do it right?), and/or wants to pass it on … or happens to own a major TV network. Or a minor one.
Indiana Author Combines Humor and History in Hoosier Hysterical
Indiana history gets turned on its head in a new book, Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All.
Mark R Hunter of Albion decided to celebrate Indiana’s bicentennial, and enlisted his wife, Emily, to poke some fun at Hoosier history and trivia. The result is a tongue-in-cheek romp through the state from prehistoric times on, covering everything from rotary jails, locks of Elvis hair, and even where the name “Indiana” was stolen from.
“When Emily didn’t roll her eyes at me, I knew I was on to something,” Mark says of the idea. The pair previously collaborated on two local history books: Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With the Albion Fire Department. They also put together a collection of Mark’s humor columns, Slightly Off the Mark.
Mark R Hunter is also the author of three novels and a short story collection. In Hoosier Hysterical, he riffs on everything from early American history:
“Some say Columbus actually got here hundreds of years before 1492, on a Viking River Cruise.”
To ancient American burial mounds:
“The purpose of those mounds remained a puzzle, until a twelve year old boy from Clarksville pointed out the natives seemed to have no outhouses. This came as a tremendous shock to archeologists of the time, who were known to be very hands-on.”
To the origins of the nickname “Hoosier”:
“Indiana flatboat crewmen … were called “hoosa men” after the Indian word for corn, “hoosa”. This theory fails to account for the fact that the Indians never called corn “hoosa”.
And even how the Indiana state flag ended up in a Batman movie:
“Some brave souls talked of sneaking into Gotham to steal our flag back, but … you know … Batman.”
Along the way, Hoosier Hysterical covers wars, economics, sports, and politics, as well as everything from weather to famous Hoosiers. But the authors are quick to point out that, despite doing a large amount of research and trying to stay true to the facts, their main emphasis was on humor. “The problem with history isn’t that it’s not interesting,” Mark points out in the book’s forward: “It’s that it’s not made interesting.”
He quickly adds, “So sit back and learn something fun about history. When you’re done, read this book.”
Hoosier Hysteria and all the Hunters’ books can be found at http://markrhunter.com/,
And on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/e....
Mark R Hunter can be reached by e-mail at markrichardhunter@gmail.com.
He can also be found on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter/, and on Twitter at @MarkRHunter
July 31, 2016
What I did NOT do on my summer vacation
I read recently that writers should occasionally take time off from writing, so when I went on vacation from my full time job I also avoided anything writing related, for almost two weeks.
It was miserable.
Apparently my wife is correct that I don’t know how to relax … more to the point, you don’t need as much time off if you love what you’re doing. So I’m going to hit the promotion again for Hoosier Hysterical, then do some revising and resubmitting, then start on a new story—not all this week, of course. Next vacation, I’ll take a laptop with me. Um, again.
It was miserable.
Apparently my wife is correct that I don’t know how to relax … more to the point, you don’t need as much time off if you love what you’re doing. So I’m going to hit the promotion again for Hoosier Hysterical, then do some revising and resubmitting, then start on a new story—not all this week, of course. Next vacation, I’ll take a laptop with me. Um, again.
July 30, 2016
How I Moved My Summer Vacation
"If you really want to find out who your friends are, ask them to help you move."
I don't know who said that, but truer words were never spoken. However, you have to amend that statement when you're going to help your in-laws move. If you like your in-laws, as I do, the question is pretty much the same. If you don't, well ... it's like making a political statement on Facebook: You need to decide in advance how much grief you're willing to go through.
There's a twist in this particular tale. About two days after my in-laws closed on a house, the mobile home they were living in was hit by a car. No, the home wasn't mobile at the time. They say the driver hydroplaned—which I find odd because it wasn't raining at the time—then slid through a utility pole and turned the front bedroom into a drive-through. And isn't that the next big thing in mobile homes? First they can travel, now you can just drive into the bedroom and voila--combination garage! Leave the car in there when you move it, and save on gas mileage.
The result: They had to get moved a bit faster than planned. For one thing, the bedroom was now about the width of a bathtub. For another, it had huge holes in the former walls ... and this is southeast Missouri, where the mosquitos can punch through walls without the help. And finally, the electricity had to be cut off in the home. See above about southeast Missouri—in July.
It took six people total, averaging three or four at any one time, two days to make the move. They rented a truck, and that makes things way easier, although maybe we should have rented some people. About 50% of us had chronic back issues, but that wasn't as much an issue as the fact that it was southeast Missouri. In July.
See, here's the difference between that area and where I live, in northeast Indiana. Hoosier weather gets just as hot and humid ... from time to time. It seems like our heat waves last forever, but in reality they rarely go more than a few days. (Last week excepted.) Down there the humidity pops up to 114% in May, and the temperature doesn't drop below 90 until October. Yes, the humidity's actually more than 100%. It’s a head-scratcher, or maybe that’s the mosquitos.
Their winters are wonderful. I mean, compared to Indiana.
So that led to a few bumps along the way, such as my difficulty in seeing because the lenses on my glasses melted off. Going into that trailer was like sticking your head into the stove to see how the all-day Thanksgiving turkey is doing. Leaving the trailer was like going into the kitchen where the turkey's been cooking all day.
It was so hot they had to open the fire hydrants to let steam out.
It was so hot even the politicians stopped talking.
It was so hot we had to put the beverage coolers into cooler coolers.
It was hot, I tell ya'.
None of this bothered the mosquitos a bit. The first day we soaked in bug spray, which actually cooled us down until later, when it started boiling off our skin. But I was wearing jeans at first, and when I got the bright idea to try shorts an hour later, I forgot to reapply. By the end of the day, my legs looked like an overhead photo of a heavily shelled World War I battleground. I couldn't get more bites touring a donut factory.
What I'm saying, basically, is that we didn't have much fun.
And yet, in the end, it was worth it. The in-laws have a nice little place now, and we visited with some friends, and once the moving part was over we even got to do some traveling. There's something to be said for helping people out. If I could, I'd go back down there and embrace the whole community with a great big, loving cloud of DDT.
It would still be hot, though.
I don't know who said that, but truer words were never spoken. However, you have to amend that statement when you're going to help your in-laws move. If you like your in-laws, as I do, the question is pretty much the same. If you don't, well ... it's like making a political statement on Facebook: You need to decide in advance how much grief you're willing to go through.
There's a twist in this particular tale. About two days after my in-laws closed on a house, the mobile home they were living in was hit by a car. No, the home wasn't mobile at the time. They say the driver hydroplaned—which I find odd because it wasn't raining at the time—then slid through a utility pole and turned the front bedroom into a drive-through. And isn't that the next big thing in mobile homes? First they can travel, now you can just drive into the bedroom and voila--combination garage! Leave the car in there when you move it, and save on gas mileage.
The result: They had to get moved a bit faster than planned. For one thing, the bedroom was now about the width of a bathtub. For another, it had huge holes in the former walls ... and this is southeast Missouri, where the mosquitos can punch through walls without the help. And finally, the electricity had to be cut off in the home. See above about southeast Missouri—in July.
It took six people total, averaging three or four at any one time, two days to make the move. They rented a truck, and that makes things way easier, although maybe we should have rented some people. About 50% of us had chronic back issues, but that wasn't as much an issue as the fact that it was southeast Missouri. In July.
See, here's the difference between that area and where I live, in northeast Indiana. Hoosier weather gets just as hot and humid ... from time to time. It seems like our heat waves last forever, but in reality they rarely go more than a few days. (Last week excepted.) Down there the humidity pops up to 114% in May, and the temperature doesn't drop below 90 until October. Yes, the humidity's actually more than 100%. It’s a head-scratcher, or maybe that’s the mosquitos.
Their winters are wonderful. I mean, compared to Indiana.
So that led to a few bumps along the way, such as my difficulty in seeing because the lenses on my glasses melted off. Going into that trailer was like sticking your head into the stove to see how the all-day Thanksgiving turkey is doing. Leaving the trailer was like going into the kitchen where the turkey's been cooking all day.
It was so hot they had to open the fire hydrants to let steam out.
It was so hot even the politicians stopped talking.
It was so hot we had to put the beverage coolers into cooler coolers.
It was hot, I tell ya'.
None of this bothered the mosquitos a bit. The first day we soaked in bug spray, which actually cooled us down until later, when it started boiling off our skin. But I was wearing jeans at first, and when I got the bright idea to try shorts an hour later, I forgot to reapply. By the end of the day, my legs looked like an overhead photo of a heavily shelled World War I battleground. I couldn't get more bites touring a donut factory.
What I'm saying, basically, is that we didn't have much fun.
And yet, in the end, it was worth it. The in-laws have a nice little place now, and we visited with some friends, and once the moving part was over we even got to do some traveling. There's something to be said for helping people out. If I could, I'd go back down there and embrace the whole community with a great big, loving cloud of DDT.
It would still be hot, though.
July 26, 2016
A Tale of Two Movies
We got to see two movies on my vacation, and both are from reboots of established franchises:
Emily and I both came in to Ghostbusters with mixed feeling, considering all the negative feedback that's been going on. Some of it was from people who had not yet seen the movie, and I automatically disregard that. Some of it was from people who thought the new movie was a feminist propaganda piece, and who knows? Maybe it was meant that way. But if I stayed away from every movie pushing a left wing agenda, I'd sure have a lot more time to read.
No, I go to movies to be entertained, and in that Ghostbusters delivered in spades. It was certainly the second best of the three movies (sorry, you just can't beat the original), and while there are logical inconsistencies here and there, hey--it's a movie about ghosts. I wasn't looking for logic.
My only real problem is that I see no reason why it had to be a reboot, instead of a sequel. While the story could have been better, and for me the fight scene at the end seemed a bit too much, the movie was saved by its actors. The four lady Ghostbusters were great, but two people stole every scene they were in: Kate McKinnon's a riot as a nuclear engineer who seems to have spent too much time in her devices energy fields, and Chris Hemsworth ... well, he plays a dumb blonde who's hired as a secretary just for his looks, and you can see how that raised some conservation. But he's so friggin' hilarious in every single scene that I just don't care.
My score: Entertainment value, 4 M&Ms out of 4. The good brown ones, that make you think they're more chocolatey than they are.
Oscar potential: 2 M&Ms out of 4. Maybe for some kind of effects or something ... the Oscars aren't kind to comedies, anyway.
Then there's Star Trek Beyond, the third Star Trek movie since the reboot in which Star Trek and Star Wars had a baby. In this edition the Enterprise is attacked by a cloud of TIE fighter and the crew is stranded on the surface of Endor ...
Actually, this time around, for the first time since the reboot, the movie makers seem to have figured something out: Even though Spock would be super-cool with a lightsaber, Star Trek is supposed to be a bit more cerebral and a bit less ... laser blasters. It's more Star Trekkie, although it would be nice if the editors would cut way down on fast cuts. Am I getting older? Yes.
But there are two ways to judge a Star Trek movie: as a movie, or as Star Trek. You have to remember that this started out as a TV series, and it's not so easy going from the small to the big screen. Some of the worst of the series' movies may have, with some cutting, made much better episodes. As Star Trek this was better, complete with nice character moments and shout-outs to the universe's past, but there are plenty of things for hard core fans to not like. (starships on a planetary surface, for instance.) So from a standpoint of the franchise, Beyond was good, but not great.
As a space opera movie, it was great--a slam-bam mix of speed, phaser blasts, and stuff exploding. Oh, and there's some deep thinky stuff too, which actually brings us back to it being Star Trekkie again. The acting and effects were great, and while I'd prefer at least a bit more attempt to match the established science of the original shows, hey--sometimes the original shows didn't, either.
My score: Entertainment value, 4 M&Ms out of 4. Maybe not the brown ones, but still. With Ghostbusters I went in with low expectations, while with Star Trek I'd heard nothing but great things, so that may have painted my reaction.
Oscar potential: 2 M&Ms out of 4. Oscar doesn't like SF much, either.
Emily and I both came in to Ghostbusters with mixed feeling, considering all the negative feedback that's been going on. Some of it was from people who had not yet seen the movie, and I automatically disregard that. Some of it was from people who thought the new movie was a feminist propaganda piece, and who knows? Maybe it was meant that way. But if I stayed away from every movie pushing a left wing agenda, I'd sure have a lot more time to read.
No, I go to movies to be entertained, and in that Ghostbusters delivered in spades. It was certainly the second best of the three movies (sorry, you just can't beat the original), and while there are logical inconsistencies here and there, hey--it's a movie about ghosts. I wasn't looking for logic.
My only real problem is that I see no reason why it had to be a reboot, instead of a sequel. While the story could have been better, and for me the fight scene at the end seemed a bit too much, the movie was saved by its actors. The four lady Ghostbusters were great, but two people stole every scene they were in: Kate McKinnon's a riot as a nuclear engineer who seems to have spent too much time in her devices energy fields, and Chris Hemsworth ... well, he plays a dumb blonde who's hired as a secretary just for his looks, and you can see how that raised some conservation. But he's so friggin' hilarious in every single scene that I just don't care.
My score: Entertainment value, 4 M&Ms out of 4. The good brown ones, that make you think they're more chocolatey than they are.
Oscar potential: 2 M&Ms out of 4. Maybe for some kind of effects or something ... the Oscars aren't kind to comedies, anyway.
Then there's Star Trek Beyond, the third Star Trek movie since the reboot in which Star Trek and Star Wars had a baby. In this edition the Enterprise is attacked by a cloud of TIE fighter and the crew is stranded on the surface of Endor ...
Actually, this time around, for the first time since the reboot, the movie makers seem to have figured something out: Even though Spock would be super-cool with a lightsaber, Star Trek is supposed to be a bit more cerebral and a bit less ... laser blasters. It's more Star Trekkie, although it would be nice if the editors would cut way down on fast cuts. Am I getting older? Yes.
But there are two ways to judge a Star Trek movie: as a movie, or as Star Trek. You have to remember that this started out as a TV series, and it's not so easy going from the small to the big screen. Some of the worst of the series' movies may have, with some cutting, made much better episodes. As Star Trek this was better, complete with nice character moments and shout-outs to the universe's past, but there are plenty of things for hard core fans to not like. (starships on a planetary surface, for instance.) So from a standpoint of the franchise, Beyond was good, but not great.
As a space opera movie, it was great--a slam-bam mix of speed, phaser blasts, and stuff exploding. Oh, and there's some deep thinky stuff too, which actually brings us back to it being Star Trekkie again. The acting and effects were great, and while I'd prefer at least a bit more attempt to match the established science of the original shows, hey--sometimes the original shows didn't, either.
My score: Entertainment value, 4 M&Ms out of 4. Maybe not the brown ones, but still. With Ghostbusters I went in with low expectations, while with Star Trek I'd heard nothing but great things, so that may have painted my reaction.
Oscar potential: 2 M&Ms out of 4. Oscar doesn't like SF much, either.
July 13, 2016
People to do, things to see
I’ll be going more or less “radio silent” for a while due to stuff, and things of that nature. There’ll be a full report when I return … although hopefully I’ll have time to go through e-mails from time to time along the way.
It’s probably not a good moment for me to pause in promoting a new book, so maybe I’ll find time to sneak back now and again. On the other hand, I could use a break from the internet hubbub, and what better time for that than summertime?
It’s probably not a good moment for me to pause in promoting a new book, so maybe I’ll find time to sneak back now and again. On the other hand, I could use a break from the internet hubbub, and what better time for that than summertime?
July 12, 2016
More photos from the ALL IN Block Party in Albion
More photos from the ALL-IN Block Party
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
I was supposed to post these photos in June. You should be seeing the next batch around, oh, August.
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2016/...
I was supposed to post these photos in June. You should be seeing the next batch around, oh, August.
Rolling With the Presses
An article about Hoosier Hysterical is up on the KPC News website:
http://kpcnews.com/news/latest/new_er...
It’s the result of a press release I sent out last week to several dozen news outlets—paper, radio, and TV—across Indiana. This has been the only bite so far … as far as I know! If anyone sees something elsewhere, please pass it on.
Later I’ll blog the press release myself, and probably beg people to spread the word. A successful writing career is 80% showing up, 15% actual writing, 10% promotion, and 25% begging for exposure. Yes, I know that adds up to more than 100%; that’s why it’s so hard to have a successful writing career.
http://kpcnews.com/news/latest/new_er...
It’s the result of a press release I sent out last week to several dozen news outlets—paper, radio, and TV—across Indiana. This has been the only bite so far … as far as I know! If anyone sees something elsewhere, please pass it on.
Later I’ll blog the press release myself, and probably beg people to spread the word. A successful writing career is 80% showing up, 15% actual writing, 10% promotion, and 25% begging for exposure. Yes, I know that adds up to more than 100%; that’s why it’s so hard to have a successful writing career.
July 10, 2016
When I Was a Kid ...
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
Nothing makes a person feel older than when they start telling those “when I was a kid” stories.
Example: When I was a kid I really did have to walk to school, through rain or snow. The winters really were colder back then. And, through some trick of physics, it really was uphill both ways.
Actually, the alley I used to take to school is only uphill part of the way. The rest of the way it’s downhill. So that memory, like most, was only half right.
Still, overall that “when I was a kid” story is true. When aiming to impress, the trick to this particular tale is to never mention that I only lived two blocks from school.
I found myself telling one of those stories after May’s spring cleanup week. That’s when you drag all the junk that’s too big to fit into trash bags to the curb, where the town has someone haul it away. It’s an effort to keep people from dumping their junk, which they probably should never have bought anyway, into a ditch somewhere.
When I was a kid people just tossed junk into ravines out in the country. A wonderful place to explore—when I was a kid. They didn’t have recycling, and pollution was someone else’s problem.
You’re in “when I was a kid” mode when actual kids roll their eyes, while people your age nod in agreement. Actually, when I was a kid people who are my present age seemed ancient, but now they don’t seem very old at all.
Sorry, when I was a kid I didn’t go off on tangents like that. Now, some time back my son-in-law gave us a tube TV—when I was a kid we just called it a TV. Officially they’re CRT sets, which just means they have huge backsides … insert your own booty joke here. It was the biggest TV I’d ever owned, with a 32 inch screen.
It weighed 75 pounds.
Later, we found a flat screen TV on clearance. It was an off-brand, but the price was right and it had an even bigger screen. It was awesome: not just the size, but the better picture.
It turned out I’d been wrongly blaming the networks: “When I was a kid, ‘Star Trek’ was bright and colorful! Now I can hardly see what those Winchester boys are doing on ‘Supernatural‘, it’s so murky!” When you’re hunting demons it’s usually at night, but never mind.
I dragged the big booty TV off to the back porch. It didn’t seem to mind, being old and tired.
Sometime after that I needed another computer monitor, for writing projects that required extra screen space. We bought a smaller flat screen TV, which could be hooked to the computer. When not being used for that it’s in the kitchen, so I can turn it on and complain about how, when I was a kid, they actually had weather on The Weather Channel instead of “reality” programming.
Which is untrue, because when I was a kid there was no Weather Channel.
Soon I realized we had a bunch of tube TVs we just didn’t need anymore. Surely someone would want them, so we set them out for sale, for $15.
No one wanted them.
$10.
No one wanted them.
$5. Nope. Finally I put a “free” sign on them, and put the word out on social media. Free TVs! Free! They work just fine! No one wanted them. Even Goodwill didn’t want them. Nobody wanted CRT TVs. Nobody. And I had four—four working CRT TVs.
Think about that. My wife and I grew up poor, and are still clawing our way through the lower middle class. But we had SIX working television sets. It killed me, to consider throwing away something that worked just fine. Well, more or less just fine—on “The Walking Dead” you had to squint to tell which ones were the zombies—but still.
As I dragged the old sets out to the curb (somehow, the biggest now weighed 95 pounds), I caught myself grumbling …
Well, you know what I grumbled, and it shows my age. When I was a kid we had one TV, a console set. You older people, explain console sets to the younger ones. It was black and white, and probably 19 inch. Once, it stopped working. You know what my brother did? He went outside and played. You know what I did? I read a book. Nobody panicked; nobody ran out to go into debt on a rent-to-own set.
By the time I moved out on my own I’d already become a consumer, and didn’t want to be without a TV. Luckily, I was given a free one, just like the ones I tried to give away. Well, not just like. It was a 13 inch black and white set. I always had two weights on top, all the way on the right end, carefully laid so that they dented the case in just a little.
Without the weights, the sound wouldn’t work.
Yeah, things have changed. I no longer have to hang a coat hanger from the curtains to pull in a scratchy, snowy channel. I don’t have to worry about the sound suddenly cutting out in the middle of “Buck Rogers”.
But I had a TV and, oddly, I think I appreciated it more. In other words, to quote still another phrase that makes me feel old:
I was darned glad to have it.
Nothing makes a person feel older than when they start telling those “when I was a kid” stories.
Example: When I was a kid I really did have to walk to school, through rain or snow. The winters really were colder back then. And, through some trick of physics, it really was uphill both ways.
Actually, the alley I used to take to school is only uphill part of the way. The rest of the way it’s downhill. So that memory, like most, was only half right.
Still, overall that “when I was a kid” story is true. When aiming to impress, the trick to this particular tale is to never mention that I only lived two blocks from school.
I found myself telling one of those stories after May’s spring cleanup week. That’s when you drag all the junk that’s too big to fit into trash bags to the curb, where the town has someone haul it away. It’s an effort to keep people from dumping their junk, which they probably should never have bought anyway, into a ditch somewhere.
When I was a kid people just tossed junk into ravines out in the country. A wonderful place to explore—when I was a kid. They didn’t have recycling, and pollution was someone else’s problem.
You’re in “when I was a kid” mode when actual kids roll their eyes, while people your age nod in agreement. Actually, when I was a kid people who are my present age seemed ancient, but now they don’t seem very old at all.
Sorry, when I was a kid I didn’t go off on tangents like that. Now, some time back my son-in-law gave us a tube TV—when I was a kid we just called it a TV. Officially they’re CRT sets, which just means they have huge backsides … insert your own booty joke here. It was the biggest TV I’d ever owned, with a 32 inch screen.
It weighed 75 pounds.
Later, we found a flat screen TV on clearance. It was an off-brand, but the price was right and it had an even bigger screen. It was awesome: not just the size, but the better picture.
It turned out I’d been wrongly blaming the networks: “When I was a kid, ‘Star Trek’ was bright and colorful! Now I can hardly see what those Winchester boys are doing on ‘Supernatural‘, it’s so murky!” When you’re hunting demons it’s usually at night, but never mind.
I dragged the big booty TV off to the back porch. It didn’t seem to mind, being old and tired.
Sometime after that I needed another computer monitor, for writing projects that required extra screen space. We bought a smaller flat screen TV, which could be hooked to the computer. When not being used for that it’s in the kitchen, so I can turn it on and complain about how, when I was a kid, they actually had weather on The Weather Channel instead of “reality” programming.
Which is untrue, because when I was a kid there was no Weather Channel.
Soon I realized we had a bunch of tube TVs we just didn’t need anymore. Surely someone would want them, so we set them out for sale, for $15.
No one wanted them.
$10.
No one wanted them.
$5. Nope. Finally I put a “free” sign on them, and put the word out on social media. Free TVs! Free! They work just fine! No one wanted them. Even Goodwill didn’t want them. Nobody wanted CRT TVs. Nobody. And I had four—four working CRT TVs.
Think about that. My wife and I grew up poor, and are still clawing our way through the lower middle class. But we had SIX working television sets. It killed me, to consider throwing away something that worked just fine. Well, more or less just fine—on “The Walking Dead” you had to squint to tell which ones were the zombies—but still.
As I dragged the old sets out to the curb (somehow, the biggest now weighed 95 pounds), I caught myself grumbling …
Well, you know what I grumbled, and it shows my age. When I was a kid we had one TV, a console set. You older people, explain console sets to the younger ones. It was black and white, and probably 19 inch. Once, it stopped working. You know what my brother did? He went outside and played. You know what I did? I read a book. Nobody panicked; nobody ran out to go into debt on a rent-to-own set.
By the time I moved out on my own I’d already become a consumer, and didn’t want to be without a TV. Luckily, I was given a free one, just like the ones I tried to give away. Well, not just like. It was a 13 inch black and white set. I always had two weights on top, all the way on the right end, carefully laid so that they dented the case in just a little.
Without the weights, the sound wouldn’t work.
Yeah, things have changed. I no longer have to hang a coat hanger from the curtains to pull in a scratchy, snowy channel. I don’t have to worry about the sound suddenly cutting out in the middle of “Buck Rogers”.
But I had a TV and, oddly, I think I appreciated it more. In other words, to quote still another phrase that makes me feel old:
I was darned glad to have it.
