Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 50
March 16, 2018
Tornado Siren Testing to Begin March 20
(Of course, when tornado season starts varies from region to region around the country--and world.)
Tornado sirens around central Noble County will be tested next week as part of Indiana’s Severe Weather Preparedness Week, which runs from March 18-24.
In Albion the sirens will go off on Tuesday, March 20, to make sure they’ll work properly in case of severe weather. This will be part of a statewide test, which is done twice on the 20th: usually between 10-11 a.m., and between 6-10 p.m.
For the rest of the season the Albion Fire Department will test the sirens at around 6 p.m. the second and fourth Mondays of every month, unless threatening weather conditions exist at the time.
There are five tornado sirens positioned around Albion, plus one at Skinner Lake, and another at the campground at Chain O’ Lakes State Park. They provide one of several ways to alert citizens to unfavorable weather conditions. Everyone should be prepared to monitor conditions and seek shelter in the event of severe weather.
The sirens can be activated by Noble County Communications dispatchers, and also from the Albion fire station.
More information about Indiana Severe Weather and Flood Preparedness Week 2018 can be found here:
https://www.weather.gov/ind/SvrWxWeek...
Tornado sirens around central Noble County will be tested next week as part of Indiana’s Severe Weather Preparedness Week, which runs from March 18-24.
In Albion the sirens will go off on Tuesday, March 20, to make sure they’ll work properly in case of severe weather. This will be part of a statewide test, which is done twice on the 20th: usually between 10-11 a.m., and between 6-10 p.m.
For the rest of the season the Albion Fire Department will test the sirens at around 6 p.m. the second and fourth Mondays of every month, unless threatening weather conditions exist at the time.
There are five tornado sirens positioned around Albion, plus one at Skinner Lake, and another at the campground at Chain O’ Lakes State Park. They provide one of several ways to alert citizens to unfavorable weather conditions. Everyone should be prepared to monitor conditions and seek shelter in the event of severe weather.
The sirens can be activated by Noble County Communications dispatchers, and also from the Albion fire station.
More information about Indiana Severe Weather and Flood Preparedness Week 2018 can be found here:
https://www.weather.gov/ind/SvrWxWeek...
March 14, 2018
Book Review: Shadow of Oz
BOOK REVIEW:
Shadow of Oz
by Nick Damon
We all know Dorothy Gale of Kansas, although you probably imagine her as a teenage Judy Garland, while I picture her as a blonde eleven year old. (There were all these books, you see, and ... oh, never mind.)
In Shadow of Oz Dorothy is all grown up, and now a drone office worker in New York City (apparently in modern times, which would make her something like 125 years old, but never mind again). She's miserable and pretty much a zombie, and not in a fun way, when one day she gets attacked--by a tree. Then by a murder of crows bent on ... well, murder. Then she's rescued by a man of horseback ... who's made out of clay. The man, not the horse.
Then things get exciting. It seems Dorothy, despite being an outsider, was once ruler of the land of Oz. In her absence the country has been conquered by an old enemy, and to save it she must find her way back, regain her memory, beat the bad guys, and recover a gem called the Ozma that's the heart of Oz, pretty much literally. She'll meet old friends along the way, but boy, do they have their work cut out for them.
Shadow of Oz benefits from a breakneck pace, Indiana Jones style, although it can also be exhausting. While I would have preferred to see more of the book characters I'm fond of, Damon wisely sticks to supporting characters from Baum's first three Oz books, all familiar to those who've watched the MGM version of The Wizard of Oz and Disney's Return to Oz. Many of the later characters have been forgotten by anyone who isn't familiar with the books, and would confuse the casual reader. But I'm going to put them in my own Oz book, anyway! (Baum's fourteen Oz books are in the public domain.)
It's nicely plotted and has some fantastic twists. (Shadow of Oz, not my Oz book--that's not written yet.) It can also be read as a standalone book, which is important to some readers, although there are sequels. Some of the fight scenes seem a little long, but you aren't likely to get bored. Overall the characterization is good, but a romance develops that's totally unreasonable considering the time factor involved. (Although, hey--these things happen in stressful situations.) There's a substantial amount of PG violence, and some stuff might be disturbing to the kiddies. Damon, I suspect, is trying to write for an adult audience while maintaining the wonder of the originals, but it comes off more gritty than wondrous.
Now, as a writer there are a few things that bothered me more than they're likely to bother the casual reader. The story is very active, but there's a lot of passive voice--avoiding that has been drilled into me so much that it stood out. There was a bit too much more telling than showing. But there have been bestsellers that I have the same complaint about, so who am I to say? Overall, I think it's worth a read.
https://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Oz-Nick...
Shadow of Oz
by Nick Damon
We all know Dorothy Gale of Kansas, although you probably imagine her as a teenage Judy Garland, while I picture her as a blonde eleven year old. (There were all these books, you see, and ... oh, never mind.)
In Shadow of Oz Dorothy is all grown up, and now a drone office worker in New York City (apparently in modern times, which would make her something like 125 years old, but never mind again). She's miserable and pretty much a zombie, and not in a fun way, when one day she gets attacked--by a tree. Then by a murder of crows bent on ... well, murder. Then she's rescued by a man of horseback ... who's made out of clay. The man, not the horse.
Then things get exciting. It seems Dorothy, despite being an outsider, was once ruler of the land of Oz. In her absence the country has been conquered by an old enemy, and to save it she must find her way back, regain her memory, beat the bad guys, and recover a gem called the Ozma that's the heart of Oz, pretty much literally. She'll meet old friends along the way, but boy, do they have their work cut out for them.
Shadow of Oz benefits from a breakneck pace, Indiana Jones style, although it can also be exhausting. While I would have preferred to see more of the book characters I'm fond of, Damon wisely sticks to supporting characters from Baum's first three Oz books, all familiar to those who've watched the MGM version of The Wizard of Oz and Disney's Return to Oz. Many of the later characters have been forgotten by anyone who isn't familiar with the books, and would confuse the casual reader. But I'm going to put them in my own Oz book, anyway! (Baum's fourteen Oz books are in the public domain.)
It's nicely plotted and has some fantastic twists. (Shadow of Oz, not my Oz book--that's not written yet.) It can also be read as a standalone book, which is important to some readers, although there are sequels. Some of the fight scenes seem a little long, but you aren't likely to get bored. Overall the characterization is good, but a romance develops that's totally unreasonable considering the time factor involved. (Although, hey--these things happen in stressful situations.) There's a substantial amount of PG violence, and some stuff might be disturbing to the kiddies. Damon, I suspect, is trying to write for an adult audience while maintaining the wonder of the originals, but it comes off more gritty than wondrous.
Now, as a writer there are a few things that bothered me more than they're likely to bother the casual reader. The story is very active, but there's a lot of passive voice--avoiding that has been drilled into me so much that it stood out. There was a bit too much more telling than showing. But there have been bestsellers that I have the same complaint about, so who am I to say? Overall, I think it's worth a read.
https://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Oz-Nick...
March 8, 2018
On Writing: Dreaming Up a Story
Every now and then I have a dream that I can piece together into a decent story, given some time and elbow grease. The other day I didn't sleep well, and woke up twice in the middle of vivid dreams. In the first one, I was with a small group of people at an interstate rest stop when a tornado came by, just brushing the edge of the building. Everyone else hid intelligently in the basement (even though rest stops I've been in don't have basements) while I stood by the window, getting a pretty decent video of the twister as it spun by.
I've had these kind of storm chasing dreams before. The difference in this case is that I actually got some video; usually my camera breaks or goes dead, or something comes between me and the funnel, or otherwise I don't get a shot. Not really an idea to wrap a story around.
Not that I haven't turned storm chasing into stories before.
The second one was one of those dreams that was both vivid and had something of a plot. I woke up from it and lay there, wide awake and staring at the ceiling as my mind filled the blanks in. Then I ran downstairs to the laptop, and slammed out a story idea of about five hundred words complete with characters, setting, plot, and complications. Plus, our dog would be in it.
Thank goodness I have a wife who understands writers.
Here's the thing: Although set in modern times, the story would be a supernatural fantasy. Just what I need ... another genre! That would be, what ... my sixth?
But the idea stuck with me so much that I was tempted to bypass other projects and go right to work on it. The only problem is, I was about halfway through the first draft of a Storm Chaser prequel, which I bragged about doing a year ago ... and I'd already put that aside to work on a new novel that I'm now editing, Fire On Mist Creek.
So ... it goes on my "to do" list, along with ideas for maybe two dozen more stories. Actually, a "to write" list. It has a ways to go before it outnumbers my "to read" list, but it's heading that way.
I've had these kind of storm chasing dreams before. The difference in this case is that I actually got some video; usually my camera breaks or goes dead, or something comes between me and the funnel, or otherwise I don't get a shot. Not really an idea to wrap a story around.
Not that I haven't turned storm chasing into stories before.
The second one was one of those dreams that was both vivid and had something of a plot. I woke up from it and lay there, wide awake and staring at the ceiling as my mind filled the blanks in. Then I ran downstairs to the laptop, and slammed out a story idea of about five hundred words complete with characters, setting, plot, and complications. Plus, our dog would be in it.
Thank goodness I have a wife who understands writers.
Here's the thing: Although set in modern times, the story would be a supernatural fantasy. Just what I need ... another genre! That would be, what ... my sixth?
But the idea stuck with me so much that I was tempted to bypass other projects and go right to work on it. The only problem is, I was about halfway through the first draft of a Storm Chaser prequel, which I bragged about doing a year ago ... and I'd already put that aside to work on a new novel that I'm now editing, Fire On Mist Creek.
So ... it goes on my "to do" list, along with ideas for maybe two dozen more stories. Actually, a "to write" list. It has a ways to go before it outnumbers my "to read" list, but it's heading that way.
March 4, 2018
Happy Anniversary, Emily
Happy anniversary to my lovely and hyper-smart wife Emily who, for reasons still not completely clear to me, has stuck around for six years. (See? I remembered! Or is it five?) Here's the blog I wrote about it a few years ago:
https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2014...
May you have a day of relaxation and happiness. And chocolate. Even my chocolate, because that's how much I love you.
Maybe I should run her a bath and make her a nice meal. Or, since I want her to have a great day, buy her a nice meal.
https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2014...
May you have a day of relaxation and happiness. And chocolate. Even my chocolate, because that's how much I love you.
Maybe I should run her a bath and make her a nice meal. Or, since I want her to have a great day, buy her a nice meal.
March 2, 2018
Movie Review: Black Panther
I almost skipped "Black Panther" when I started hearing the initial reviews. "social awareness"; "responsibilities of a nation"; "the superhero film we need now"; "politically aware".
Gah.
As an information junkie, I'm overwhelmingly aware of news, politics, issues, and both the best and worst of human nature. My wife is constantly telling me to let it go and do something relaxing, which is darned good advice. I go to superhero movies for relaxation. Not necessarily mindless, but fun, funny, action-oriented entertainment where the good guys are mostly good and the bad guys are mostly bad
If you're a comic book fan you're already protesting, but hold that thought.
Granted that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has never shied away from serious issues, but they're usually good at mixing them with, you know, entertainment. Would "Black Panther" sacrifice being a good movie in favor of an agenda?
No. No, it wouldn't, and I would be very happy indeed to go see it again tomorrow. So relax ... besides, it's not like there aren't some people who could stand to up their awareness levels.
If it seems like I'm spending half my review addressing the political and social issues, hey--so do most of the other reviews. But I'm a casual moviegoer, so let's get on with the entertainment part.
The entertainment part is awesome.
You might remember that during "Captain America: Civil War", the king of the small African country of Wakanda was killed, leading to the reveal of his son, the legendary Black Panther. Say, that must be where the movie's name came from! In "Black Panther" T'Challa (Chadwick Bosemen, fantastic) returns to Wakanda to be crowned the new king, to replace his dead father.
Things don't go as planned.
T'Challa faces challenges from within his own family, and from a previously seen outside villain who's out to get his hands on the rare metal that makes Wakanda rich and technologically advanced. Wakanda has hidden those riches from the rest of the world, which brings out a major question when a ghost from the previous king's past returns: should Wakanda continue to protect itself, or use its advancements to help the rest of the world?
Which brings me back to where I started, because you really can't tell that story without addressing today's world problems. And that's okay, because despite what I said above, comics and superhero movies have been addressing social issues almost from the beginning. My fear that "Black Panther" would tilt too far in the other direction was unfounded: We still have a well made, entertaining, action packed, and occasionally humorous movie, just as we've come to expect from Marvel.
There were occasions when the digital effects were a little obvious, but overall "Black Panther" is beautiful to watch, with a gripping story. There are fewer than usual shout-outs to the Marvel universe:. Andy Serkis returns as the villainous Ulysses Klaue, and Martin Freeman reprises his CIA agent Everett K. Ross. There are two other cameos (come on, you know who one of them is), including one at the end of the credits.
Michael B. Jordan almost steals the movie as Erik Killmonger. In the tradition of great Marvel villains he's over the top, vicious, and ... has a point, just like another Marvel Erik, from the mutant side.
The rest of the cast is awesome and perfectly cast, especially Danai Gurira as the general of the Wakanda army, Angela Bassett as T'Challa's still grieving mother, and Letitia Wright as T'Challa's sister Shuri, who's the Q to Black Panther's James Bond.
My score:
Entertainment Value: 4 M&M's. No, it's not the best Marvel superhero movie I've ever seen; but it's one of the best.
Oscar Potential: 3 M&M's. The Academy loves to ignore superhero movies ... but they're going to have a hard time ignoring this one.
Gah.
As an information junkie, I'm overwhelmingly aware of news, politics, issues, and both the best and worst of human nature. My wife is constantly telling me to let it go and do something relaxing, which is darned good advice. I go to superhero movies for relaxation. Not necessarily mindless, but fun, funny, action-oriented entertainment where the good guys are mostly good and the bad guys are mostly bad
If you're a comic book fan you're already protesting, but hold that thought.
Granted that the Marvel Cinematic Universe has never shied away from serious issues, but they're usually good at mixing them with, you know, entertainment. Would "Black Panther" sacrifice being a good movie in favor of an agenda?
No. No, it wouldn't, and I would be very happy indeed to go see it again tomorrow. So relax ... besides, it's not like there aren't some people who could stand to up their awareness levels.
If it seems like I'm spending half my review addressing the political and social issues, hey--so do most of the other reviews. But I'm a casual moviegoer, so let's get on with the entertainment part.
The entertainment part is awesome.
You might remember that during "Captain America: Civil War", the king of the small African country of Wakanda was killed, leading to the reveal of his son, the legendary Black Panther. Say, that must be where the movie's name came from! In "Black Panther" T'Challa (Chadwick Bosemen, fantastic) returns to Wakanda to be crowned the new king, to replace his dead father.
Things don't go as planned.
T'Challa faces challenges from within his own family, and from a previously seen outside villain who's out to get his hands on the rare metal that makes Wakanda rich and technologically advanced. Wakanda has hidden those riches from the rest of the world, which brings out a major question when a ghost from the previous king's past returns: should Wakanda continue to protect itself, or use its advancements to help the rest of the world?
Which brings me back to where I started, because you really can't tell that story without addressing today's world problems. And that's okay, because despite what I said above, comics and superhero movies have been addressing social issues almost from the beginning. My fear that "Black Panther" would tilt too far in the other direction was unfounded: We still have a well made, entertaining, action packed, and occasionally humorous movie, just as we've come to expect from Marvel.
There were occasions when the digital effects were a little obvious, but overall "Black Panther" is beautiful to watch, with a gripping story. There are fewer than usual shout-outs to the Marvel universe:. Andy Serkis returns as the villainous Ulysses Klaue, and Martin Freeman reprises his CIA agent Everett K. Ross. There are two other cameos (come on, you know who one of them is), including one at the end of the credits.
Michael B. Jordan almost steals the movie as Erik Killmonger. In the tradition of great Marvel villains he's over the top, vicious, and ... has a point, just like another Marvel Erik, from the mutant side.
The rest of the cast is awesome and perfectly cast, especially Danai Gurira as the general of the Wakanda army, Angela Bassett as T'Challa's still grieving mother, and Letitia Wright as T'Challa's sister Shuri, who's the Q to Black Panther's James Bond.
My score:
Entertainment Value: 4 M&M's. No, it's not the best Marvel superhero movie I've ever seen; but it's one of the best.
Oscar Potential: 3 M&M's. The Academy loves to ignore superhero movies ... but they're going to have a hard time ignoring this one.
February 27, 2018
My Alma Mater’s Girls’ Basketball Team—State Champs!
I seldom pay much attention to sports, but when a team from your alma mater wins the high school regional girls' basketball title ...
(By the way, alma mater means "nourishing mother" ... I didn't even know my mother played basketball.)
Wait, what? The Central Noble Lady Cougars basketball team not only won regional, but went to semi-state? That's very cool; even a nerd like me gets that.
The truth is, the only thing sports-related I paid attention to in high school were the cheerleaders--which is okay, because sports never paid any attention to me. Neither did the cheerleaders.
(I should add that the cheerleaders were all very nice on those few occasions when we interacted; we just seldom interacted. I was what in those days was called shy, and these days would be called antisocial. Now I'm Facebook friends with most of them, one of those remarkable things about social media.)
Wait, what? The Lady Cougars won semi-state? Wow!
I don't believe any CN sports team ever won semi-state. Again, I could be wrong on this. When I was in school Coach Schnepp took the boys' basketball team all the way to the regionals, I think. There were signs on the walls, and we had a pep rally, and I went to it; but I sat with a notebook on the back row, writing a science fiction story with lots of violence and sex. These days I'd have ended up in a therapist's office.
Anyway, my biggest memory of Coach Schnepp was that he taught Physical Education, and he taught by doing, and he did dodgeball. Now, Coach Schnepp had these long arms--he could touch his toes without bending over--and he played the sport we called "killer ball" right along with us. When he wound up and let go, pity the poor guy who didn't get out of the way in time. It would be like someone get shot in a 70s Eastwood cop movie: They'd fly halfway across the gym and tumble end over end. Sometimes the ball would stay in the shape of a disk from flattening against its victim. Sometimes we couldn't locate the ball at all. Once all we found was a hole in the concrete block wall, and a felled pine tree outside.
As a science lover, it made me appreciate physics. As a human being, it made me appreciate the concept of duck and cover.
The Lady Cougars did what? They won State? They're the State Champions? Wait ...
They're the STATE CHAMPIONS!!!!
Holy crap. That's just ... awesome, and it explains the giant parade that went through town. I thought it was to celebrate the end of February.
It's not surprising, either. These girls are so good, colleges are afraid to recruit them for fear the rest of the team won't have anything to do.
They're so tough, Chuck Norris walks across the street to avoid them.
Muhammad Ali sent a message from the afterlife to say they're the Greatest.
They're so talented that during their downtime they won the regional championships in baseball, track, and chess. Their group science project is in the Smithsonian.
What I'm saying is, they're pretty darned good. They were called in to give lessons to the Duke Blue Devils. (It's a basketball team, I looked it up.)
You know, when we're looking to the future of our country and world, these are the kind of people who give me hope. Go-getters. Hard workers.
Champions.
(By the way, alma mater means "nourishing mother" ... I didn't even know my mother played basketball.)
Wait, what? The Central Noble Lady Cougars basketball team not only won regional, but went to semi-state? That's very cool; even a nerd like me gets that.
The truth is, the only thing sports-related I paid attention to in high school were the cheerleaders--which is okay, because sports never paid any attention to me. Neither did the cheerleaders.
(I should add that the cheerleaders were all very nice on those few occasions when we interacted; we just seldom interacted. I was what in those days was called shy, and these days would be called antisocial. Now I'm Facebook friends with most of them, one of those remarkable things about social media.)
Wait, what? The Lady Cougars won semi-state? Wow!
I don't believe any CN sports team ever won semi-state. Again, I could be wrong on this. When I was in school Coach Schnepp took the boys' basketball team all the way to the regionals, I think. There were signs on the walls, and we had a pep rally, and I went to it; but I sat with a notebook on the back row, writing a science fiction story with lots of violence and sex. These days I'd have ended up in a therapist's office.
Anyway, my biggest memory of Coach Schnepp was that he taught Physical Education, and he taught by doing, and he did dodgeball. Now, Coach Schnepp had these long arms--he could touch his toes without bending over--and he played the sport we called "killer ball" right along with us. When he wound up and let go, pity the poor guy who didn't get out of the way in time. It would be like someone get shot in a 70s Eastwood cop movie: They'd fly halfway across the gym and tumble end over end. Sometimes the ball would stay in the shape of a disk from flattening against its victim. Sometimes we couldn't locate the ball at all. Once all we found was a hole in the concrete block wall, and a felled pine tree outside.
As a science lover, it made me appreciate physics. As a human being, it made me appreciate the concept of duck and cover.
The Lady Cougars did what? They won State? They're the State Champions? Wait ...
They're the STATE CHAMPIONS!!!!
Holy crap. That's just ... awesome, and it explains the giant parade that went through town. I thought it was to celebrate the end of February.
It's not surprising, either. These girls are so good, colleges are afraid to recruit them for fear the rest of the team won't have anything to do.
They're so tough, Chuck Norris walks across the street to avoid them.
Muhammad Ali sent a message from the afterlife to say they're the Greatest.
They're so talented that during their downtime they won the regional championships in baseball, track, and chess. Their group science project is in the Smithsonian.
What I'm saying is, they're pretty darned good. They were called in to give lessons to the Duke Blue Devils. (It's a basketball team, I looked it up.)
You know, when we're looking to the future of our country and world, these are the kind of people who give me hope. Go-getters. Hard workers.
Champions.
February 22, 2018
Olympic sized thoughts
(These aren't really Olympic sized thoughts--just small thoughts on the Olympics.)
It was nice that benevolent dictator Kim Jong-un let his cheerleaders out of the country to attend the Olympics, along with his sister. Isn't he a good guy? Hopefully they had a chance to grab a nice meal--or any meal--before heading back up to the Dark Country. (Literally dark, take a look at a nighttime satellite view.)
Probably the only downhill sport I'd have a chance of making it through would be sledding, otherwise known as luge or skeleton. That's because I'm incapable of standing on any moving object other than my own feet, and sometimes the feet part isn't easy.
But while I used to sled a lot, that was at, oh, ten miles per hour or so. Anyone who goes face first at seventy miles per hour ... well, there's a reason why it's called skeleton. Because "mangled body" seemed a little too obvious.
There is another kind of sledding in the Olympics, but apparently competitors are required to be named "Bob". There's only so much I'll do for my sport.
Speaking of sports in which I'd never made it to the end of the course, I've noticed that downhill skiiers seem to be flying as much as they're skiing. Let's make it more interesting and fit them with small wings, just to see what happens.
There's a skiing event that consists entirely of skiing down bumps. I can't stand to watch it: It kills my knees.
"Salchow" is pronounced "sow cow" ... and as such, just doesn't seem like a figure skating move.
That group snowboarding competition ... did some Olympic official happen to catch a NASCAR race and think, "That's what the winter Games needs: massive pileups!"
Figure skating has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. But I'll be the first to admit that back then I was all about the ladies and the short skirts. Now that I'm older I'm still fascinated, because how the heck do they even--? I mean, try just standing on ice skates. Their routines are, according to the laws of physics, as impossible as me making it to the other end of the rink.
I never tried pairs figure skating because I don't like getting stitches.
I just watched a pair figure skate to music from Star Wars, and it made me realize Jedi would be fantastic athletes. Luke skiing, Anakin throwing Padme through about fifty spins on the ice, Vader as a bad boy snowboarder ... Yoda as a coach. Emperor Palpatine ruling the evil land just to the north. R2D2 as a judge. I've just created a whole new subgenre of fanfiction.
Curling. It's indecipherable, and a joy to make fun of. Unless you seriously watch it for about an hour, then it becomes addictive to 80% of the viewers. What dark magic is that? It's shuffleboard on ice. And I'm watching it.
Every time I watch ski jumping, all I can think of it the Wide World Of Sport's "agony of defeat". This removes much of the fun for me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AZH...
In the end I'm not a sport fan so much as an events fan: Every two years I watch sports that I don't even think about the rest of the time. It's the same reason why I like to watch the Indy 500 even though I have no interest in racing, and I used to watch the Superbowl even though I haven't seen a non-Superbowl football game in twenty years. I've even caught a World Series game, or two.
But not basketball. For me, basketball is the rap of sports: to be shunned.
It was nice that benevolent dictator Kim Jong-un let his cheerleaders out of the country to attend the Olympics, along with his sister. Isn't he a good guy? Hopefully they had a chance to grab a nice meal--or any meal--before heading back up to the Dark Country. (Literally dark, take a look at a nighttime satellite view.)
Probably the only downhill sport I'd have a chance of making it through would be sledding, otherwise known as luge or skeleton. That's because I'm incapable of standing on any moving object other than my own feet, and sometimes the feet part isn't easy.
But while I used to sled a lot, that was at, oh, ten miles per hour or so. Anyone who goes face first at seventy miles per hour ... well, there's a reason why it's called skeleton. Because "mangled body" seemed a little too obvious.
There is another kind of sledding in the Olympics, but apparently competitors are required to be named "Bob". There's only so much I'll do for my sport.
Speaking of sports in which I'd never made it to the end of the course, I've noticed that downhill skiiers seem to be flying as much as they're skiing. Let's make it more interesting and fit them with small wings, just to see what happens.
There's a skiing event that consists entirely of skiing down bumps. I can't stand to watch it: It kills my knees.
"Salchow" is pronounced "sow cow" ... and as such, just doesn't seem like a figure skating move.
That group snowboarding competition ... did some Olympic official happen to catch a NASCAR race and think, "That's what the winter Games needs: massive pileups!"
Figure skating has been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. But I'll be the first to admit that back then I was all about the ladies and the short skirts. Now that I'm older I'm still fascinated, because how the heck do they even--? I mean, try just standing on ice skates. Their routines are, according to the laws of physics, as impossible as me making it to the other end of the rink.
I never tried pairs figure skating because I don't like getting stitches.
I just watched a pair figure skate to music from Star Wars, and it made me realize Jedi would be fantastic athletes. Luke skiing, Anakin throwing Padme through about fifty spins on the ice, Vader as a bad boy snowboarder ... Yoda as a coach. Emperor Palpatine ruling the evil land just to the north. R2D2 as a judge. I've just created a whole new subgenre of fanfiction.
Curling. It's indecipherable, and a joy to make fun of. Unless you seriously watch it for about an hour, then it becomes addictive to 80% of the viewers. What dark magic is that? It's shuffleboard on ice. And I'm watching it.
Every time I watch ski jumping, all I can think of it the Wide World Of Sport's "agony of defeat". This removes much of the fun for me:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AZH...
In the end I'm not a sport fan so much as an events fan: Every two years I watch sports that I don't even think about the rest of the time. It's the same reason why I like to watch the Indy 500 even though I have no interest in racing, and I used to watch the Superbowl even though I haven't seen a non-Superbowl football game in twenty years. I've even caught a World Series game, or two.
But not basketball. For me, basketball is the rap of sports: to be shunned.
February 17, 2018
In Praise of Snow Plows
I live on a state highway, so I generally wait to shovel my front sidewalk until after the plows have gone through. (Okay, the neighbor's been snow blowing my front sidewalk, having apparently taken pity on me. Something about those agonized groans and clutching at my back. The easiest way to make people think you have chronic pain is to actually have chronic pain.)
Technically there are parking spaces between my curb and the street, but I'm happy to say that doesn't stop the plows, unless there's something actually parked in them. Still, the state Department of Transportation trucks save those areas for last, and last weekend was no exception. The other day the Town of Albion got to the spaces first: I was sitting on the couch, doing that writing thing I do, when I heard heavy machinery slowly moving down the road. I drew back the curtain and saw a plus-size snow blower and a dump truck going slowly along the curb, picking up most of that snow in the parking areas.
It was a Sunday.
Snow plow drivers are one of those professions targeted by the arm chair quarterback. It starts with "they plowed in my driveway", and goes right on through everything else they do. And yes, they do plow in my driveway. They also once broke off a utility cap at the entrance to my driveway, which caused me to have two flat tires before I figured out what was going on. Oh, and they also allow me to get to work and the grocery store, reach the fire station for calls, take my kids to school, and just generally get out of the house.
Not that I want to get out of the house during winter, but still.
As is typical of such jobs, armchair quarterbacks have rarely actually done them. Visibility for drivers plowing snow is horrible even in their first hour at work, let alone their twelfth. They have to make multiple runs back to their base as their salt and sand run out. They have to put up with impatient drivers crowding them, and those trucks don't stop on a frozen dime. They have to work their way around cars abandoned in drifts, and often the car owners can't be found because they didn't bother to tell the police they got stuck. They go out, by definition, in the very worst weather.
But here's the specific thing that struck me that Sunday, as I watched the Town of Albion Street Department guys go by, and a short time after that an INDOT snow plow that still managed to deposit a layer of hardened slush on my sidewalk. It struck me that they were working ... and it was a Sunday.
I work in the emergency services, but as a 911 dispatcher it's shift work. It's very rare that things are so bad I have to stay over. If a snowstorm happens to hit during my days off, I almost never get called in. If the snowstorm is an hour out, and it's 7 a.m.--I go home. I don't have to brave the elements again until my next shift, unless my volunteer fire department gets called out.
But almost all snow plow drivers are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For most government entities and private snow removal companies, there aren't enough plows or people for the drivers to work eight hour shifts. When a storm hits, they don't get to watch it through the picture window just because it's a holiday, or a weekend. A snow plow driver works every storm, every time.
Okay, so they cover your sidewalk and block your driveway. Would you rather they lifted their blades as they go by, and leave the street covered? You would? Then you're an idiot.
Just sayin'.
Technically there are parking spaces between my curb and the street, but I'm happy to say that doesn't stop the plows, unless there's something actually parked in them. Still, the state Department of Transportation trucks save those areas for last, and last weekend was no exception. The other day the Town of Albion got to the spaces first: I was sitting on the couch, doing that writing thing I do, when I heard heavy machinery slowly moving down the road. I drew back the curtain and saw a plus-size snow blower and a dump truck going slowly along the curb, picking up most of that snow in the parking areas.
It was a Sunday.
Snow plow drivers are one of those professions targeted by the arm chair quarterback. It starts with "they plowed in my driveway", and goes right on through everything else they do. And yes, they do plow in my driveway. They also once broke off a utility cap at the entrance to my driveway, which caused me to have two flat tires before I figured out what was going on. Oh, and they also allow me to get to work and the grocery store, reach the fire station for calls, take my kids to school, and just generally get out of the house.
Not that I want to get out of the house during winter, but still.
As is typical of such jobs, armchair quarterbacks have rarely actually done them. Visibility for drivers plowing snow is horrible even in their first hour at work, let alone their twelfth. They have to make multiple runs back to their base as their salt and sand run out. They have to put up with impatient drivers crowding them, and those trucks don't stop on a frozen dime. They have to work their way around cars abandoned in drifts, and often the car owners can't be found because they didn't bother to tell the police they got stuck. They go out, by definition, in the very worst weather.
But here's the specific thing that struck me that Sunday, as I watched the Town of Albion Street Department guys go by, and a short time after that an INDOT snow plow that still managed to deposit a layer of hardened slush on my sidewalk. It struck me that they were working ... and it was a Sunday.
I work in the emergency services, but as a 911 dispatcher it's shift work. It's very rare that things are so bad I have to stay over. If a snowstorm happens to hit during my days off, I almost never get called in. If the snowstorm is an hour out, and it's 7 a.m.--I go home. I don't have to brave the elements again until my next shift, unless my volunteer fire department gets called out.
But almost all snow plow drivers are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For most government entities and private snow removal companies, there aren't enough plows or people for the drivers to work eight hour shifts. When a storm hits, they don't get to watch it through the picture window just because it's a holiday, or a weekend. A snow plow driver works every storm, every time.
Okay, so they cover your sidewalk and block your driveway. Would you rather they lifted their blades as they go by, and leave the street covered? You would? Then you're an idiot.
Just sayin'.
February 12, 2018
Starman and the Space Roadster, Or: Musk to Mars!
When I was supposed to be sleeping the other day I woke up with a stomach ache (long story), and went downstairs for some soda crackers and 7 Up. (They're called soda crackers, so you have to drink soda with them. That's the law.) Naturally I flipped on the TV, only to discover we were thirty second from launching a car into space.
By "we" I mean Elon Musk, the rather eccentric rich guy head of SpaceX, who I now love more than ever in a not creepy sort of way.
So I got to see it live, and it was so much fun I could almost forget the part about how I spent the rest of that afternoon in the bathroom, doing a little launching of my own. (Long story. Never mind, I'll write about it later.)
Musk was testing the Falcon Heavy rocket, the biggest space vehicle since the shuttle. He intends to use it to send people to interesting places like the Moon, Mars, and Uranus, which I understand is infested with asteroids. Since this was a test--Musk actually said pre-launch that the chance of failure was high--he decided not to put any important cargo on board. But he needed something to test its payload capacity, some weight ... and, looking around, he spotted the vast warehouse that contained his collection of over ten thousand cars.
I'm making that part up. All I can say is that if I had several billion dollars, I'd be launching stuff into space, and I'd also have a collection of antique fire trucks in a vast warehouse. Clearly he and I are virtual twins.
Anyway, he did happen to have a Tesla roadster sitting around, and also a mannequin dressed in a spacesuit. I'm trying hard not to judge, here. Besides, I'd have a spacesuit, too.
So he set the spaceman in the Tesla, a detail I didn't know about when I turned on the TV and found a giant spaceship on the pad. After launch the two booster rockets, in a display worthy of an Olympic event, landed simultaneously, ready to be reused. The main booster ... not so much, but two out of three ain't bad. Then the spaceship went into orbit around the Earth, and its roof retracted, and ... wow.
When Emily came in I got the footage online and played the whole thing over, still grinning ear to ear. It was just so cool. Elon Musk, in addition to understanding that the future of mankind lies in space, also has a great sense of showmanship and humor. When I grow up I want to be just like him, especially the rich part.
Musk sent the Tesla into deep space, having said there was a slim chance it might actually hit Mars, although apparently it wasn't aimed directly at the Red Planet. Instead the rocket overshot its mark, and is now on a long loop that will take it into the Asteroid Belt. I wouldn't be surprised if Musk did that on purpose, just to show off the capabilities of his rocket. I mean, the thing can haul 64 tons, so what's a sports car and an astronaut? Talk about an off-road race.
I applaud Elon Musk, and not just because I want him to send me seed money to launch my writing career. Space is still hard and dangerous, but it's also full of possibilities in resources, knowledge, innovation, and just plain being neat. One of the problems with the world today is that so many of us no longer have a sense of wonder, or understand the value of exploration for the sake of discovery. We need to get that back. And with our politicians busy infighting and backstabbing, it may be innovators like Musk who will take us into the next phase of the human adventure.
Or at least send me some cash.
By "we" I mean Elon Musk, the rather eccentric rich guy head of SpaceX, who I now love more than ever in a not creepy sort of way.
So I got to see it live, and it was so much fun I could almost forget the part about how I spent the rest of that afternoon in the bathroom, doing a little launching of my own. (Long story. Never mind, I'll write about it later.)
Musk was testing the Falcon Heavy rocket, the biggest space vehicle since the shuttle. He intends to use it to send people to interesting places like the Moon, Mars, and Uranus, which I understand is infested with asteroids. Since this was a test--Musk actually said pre-launch that the chance of failure was high--he decided not to put any important cargo on board. But he needed something to test its payload capacity, some weight ... and, looking around, he spotted the vast warehouse that contained his collection of over ten thousand cars.
I'm making that part up. All I can say is that if I had several billion dollars, I'd be launching stuff into space, and I'd also have a collection of antique fire trucks in a vast warehouse. Clearly he and I are virtual twins.
Anyway, he did happen to have a Tesla roadster sitting around, and also a mannequin dressed in a spacesuit. I'm trying hard not to judge, here. Besides, I'd have a spacesuit, too.
So he set the spaceman in the Tesla, a detail I didn't know about when I turned on the TV and found a giant spaceship on the pad. After launch the two booster rockets, in a display worthy of an Olympic event, landed simultaneously, ready to be reused. The main booster ... not so much, but two out of three ain't bad. Then the spaceship went into orbit around the Earth, and its roof retracted, and ... wow.
When Emily came in I got the footage online and played the whole thing over, still grinning ear to ear. It was just so cool. Elon Musk, in addition to understanding that the future of mankind lies in space, also has a great sense of showmanship and humor. When I grow up I want to be just like him, especially the rich part.
Musk sent the Tesla into deep space, having said there was a slim chance it might actually hit Mars, although apparently it wasn't aimed directly at the Red Planet. Instead the rocket overshot its mark, and is now on a long loop that will take it into the Asteroid Belt. I wouldn't be surprised if Musk did that on purpose, just to show off the capabilities of his rocket. I mean, the thing can haul 64 tons, so what's a sports car and an astronaut? Talk about an off-road race.
I applaud Elon Musk, and not just because I want him to send me seed money to launch my writing career. Space is still hard and dangerous, but it's also full of possibilities in resources, knowledge, innovation, and just plain being neat. One of the problems with the world today is that so many of us no longer have a sense of wonder, or understand the value of exploration for the sake of discovery. We need to get that back. And with our politicians busy infighting and backstabbing, it may be innovators like Musk who will take us into the next phase of the human adventure.
Or at least send me some cash.
February 11, 2018
Song Parody: Stop The Snow
I first posted this a couple of years ago, but it seemed really appropriate today, since as I type this there's a winter storm raging outside. I hate winter storms. Well, only if I have to go out in them, or pay for heating the house during them, or if it's winter. Otherwise I don't mind.
Anyway, I worked foolishly hard on this, so I decided to put it up again. But here's the thing: parody songs are really only good if you're familiar with the original, which in this case is "Let It Go" from Frozen. If you have kids of a certain age, you've not only heard it, but you're sick of it. (I'm not--but my kids are all grown up, and I've only seen the movie once.) If you haven't heard it, you can here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7...
Or see the original lyrics here:
http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_It_Go
I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Mark? Why?” Good question—I don’t even find it easy. But I present you with: “Stop the Snow”.
The snow’s piled high almost to my thigh
It’s so cold I want to scream
No sign of spring salvation
I’m stuck in a snow globe dream
The wind howls through windows, bringing swirling snow inside
Couldn’t keep it out, plastic sheets I tried
Let the dog in, his frozen pee
Is an icicle I never want to see
My hands can’t feel—this weather blows
Thanks to the snow
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Can’t get my car unstuck
If I had enough dough
I’d move away from all this yuck
I know just what the forecasts say
Get your storm rage on
I’m stuck in my drive anyway.
It’s funny how this temperature
makes everything seem blue
And if you don’t see the misery
there’s something wrong with you.
It’s time to go and break the ice
To start the car, oh please play nice
No lights, no juice, not to be rude
I’m screwed
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Just one day when it’s warm and dry
Car won’t go in the snow
Ice falls down from tears I cry
Here I push in four foot drifts
Till my hands freeze on …
A patch of ice takes me to the ground
Underneath the snow it’s all cold, dead and brown
And one thought penetrates my frozen brain
Summer’s not so bad—I don’t mind the rain
Stop the snow, stop the snow
My car’s buried in five foot drifts
I can’t feel, my own toes
I’ll never make it to my shift
My hands are blue and my face is white
I could use a lift
But the snow plow buries and passes by.
Anyway, I worked foolishly hard on this, so I decided to put it up again. But here's the thing: parody songs are really only good if you're familiar with the original, which in this case is "Let It Go" from Frozen. If you have kids of a certain age, you've not only heard it, but you're sick of it. (I'm not--but my kids are all grown up, and I've only seen the movie once.) If you haven't heard it, you can here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7...
Or see the original lyrics here:
http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_It_Go
I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Mark? Why?” Good question—I don’t even find it easy. But I present you with: “Stop the Snow”.
The snow’s piled high almost to my thigh
It’s so cold I want to scream
No sign of spring salvation
I’m stuck in a snow globe dream
The wind howls through windows, bringing swirling snow inside
Couldn’t keep it out, plastic sheets I tried
Let the dog in, his frozen pee
Is an icicle I never want to see
My hands can’t feel—this weather blows
Thanks to the snow
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Can’t get my car unstuck
If I had enough dough
I’d move away from all this yuck
I know just what the forecasts say
Get your storm rage on
I’m stuck in my drive anyway.
It’s funny how this temperature
makes everything seem blue
And if you don’t see the misery
there’s something wrong with you.
It’s time to go and break the ice
To start the car, oh please play nice
No lights, no juice, not to be rude
I’m screwed
Stop the snow, stop the snow
Just one day when it’s warm and dry
Car won’t go in the snow
Ice falls down from tears I cry
Here I push in four foot drifts
Till my hands freeze on …
A patch of ice takes me to the ground
Underneath the snow it’s all cold, dead and brown
And one thought penetrates my frozen brain
Summer’s not so bad—I don’t mind the rain
Stop the snow, stop the snow
My car’s buried in five foot drifts
I can’t feel, my own toes
I’ll never make it to my shift
My hands are blue and my face is white
I could use a lift
But the snow plow buries and passes by.
