Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 106

With Websites Like This, who Needs Enemies?

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK


I figured it out – I figured out what’s wrong with the Obamacare website!

Not that I can fix it … let’s not get silly.

I got the idea from Star Trek. Specifically, from some dialogue in the movie Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. This is the one where Kirk and Spock sing campfire songs and fight God. Hm … there could be more government jokes in there, somewhere.

Anyway, here are the lines that got my attention:

Captain Kirk: “You told me you could get this ship operational in two weeks, I gave you three, what happened?”

Engineer Scott: “I think you gave me TOO much time, Captain.”

See, it’s funny because … never mind. Although it might be the funniest moment of the movie, unless you count the unintentional laughs.

I pondered this when I realized the government had three and a half years to get the Obamacare website up and running. At the rate it was budgeted, that’s $2,230,952 a month. That’s more than my Mountain Dew and chocolate budget combined. So, maybe we just gave them too much time?

The taxpayers have forked over (so far) half a billion dollars for the website, which was budgeted at $93.7 million, so maybe we also gave them too much money. Other sources say that $500 million number is inaccurate, and it really cost only $394 million to build the site itself.

Wait.

Only?

My wife built our website for free. Granted, we didn’t require fifty million people to sign up on it or else, but she also didn’t go over budget by three hundred million bucks.

Meanwhile, no matter what the actual cost, we’re now hearing that 500 million lines of code in the website design are wrong. They’ll have to be re-written. That’s one line for each American citizen, with enough left over, if the lines were dollars, for half our pets to get cat scans.

I went to the website to get an idea of what we were paying for, but, well … it was down.

“What we have here is the perfect storm in software development,” said software expert James Turner.

Ha! So the Federal government can make something perfect!

Meanwhile, a recent poll indicated that 56% of Americans are losing their faith in the Affordable Care Act. Think about that. That’s absolutely amazing. Almost half of Americans still have faith in Obamacare.

If any private business had started up with such a disaster, the only thing we’d be talking about is how things would go in bankruptcy court. Alas, the feds have cooked the books so they can’t go bankrupt, except morally.

Is it any wonder that Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, the person put in charge of the Obamacare rollout, fled Washington when Congress first tried to haul her in to testify? Scheduling conflicts. Among other things, it seems she had to appear on a TV show, instead. (In her defense, Jon Stewart is way more exciting than any Congressional hearing.) In today’s Washington the buck doesn’t stop here, no matter how many bucks are involved.

(By the way, a web developer friend of mine, who knows her stuff, told me three and a half years was too little time for this project. Is that not something someone should have decided on before setting the legal deadlines?)

Well, it’s not like Sebelius has to answer to Congress or, according to her, anyone but President Obama. At least, that’s what she said. She also said the people calling for her to resign are “people who I don’t work for” …

You know, people like Congressmen, who are elected. In other words, Sebelius is saying she doesn’t work for the voter, or the taxpayer. You know. The people.

Can’t blame her for not realizing the government is supposed to work for the people … very few people inside the Beltway know that.

So how do we handle this problem? We shouldn’t just complain; we should work to fix it. So here’s my idea:

We ditch the website entirely,
and go back to paper and pens, or maybe manual typewriters. This would, of course, require hiring tens of thousands of people to process all that paperwork. We hire those people to do the job, and give them benefits including—wait for it—health insurance.

Half the problem’s solved already.

Then, because the taxpayers can’t afford the Federal employees we’re already paying, we fire two people in the bureaucracy for each new one that’s hired. We start with Kathleen Sebelius, then everyone involved in building that website. (That unsolves half the problem, but helps solve another one.)

Then we hire my wife to design them a basic website that just gives people information on how things work rather than having them sign up through it. We pay her just $25 million to do it, thus saving $369 million, or maybe $475 million—not that a million here or there is a big deal. I can help with the changeover—I already own a manual typewriter.

Just don’t give her too much time.

Sending off my revised baby

The revised manuscript for Coming Attractions is winging its way back to Harlequin Special Edition after some extensive edits. I need a beer … and I hate beer.

This was especially difficult for me, and I think I’ve figured out why. In the last few years it’s been with other editors, and with my one-time agent, and in contests. I polished it up and made it as perfect as I could get it, and my subconscious mind said, “That’s it. It’s done. A finished story.”

Then I was asked to tear it apart and put it back together again. Oh, don’t get me wrong: The Harlequin editor knows what she’s doing, and my book is better for it. But it’s hard to go back into a “finished” manuscript after all that time. And, if she likes the “finished” product … she may ask for more edits! That’s the writer’s life, and I embrace it.

Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights at the Brick Ark Inn

In addition to being available for sale at the Albion New Era office on South Main Street and from the fire department, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With the Albion Fire Department is also for sale at the Brick Ark Inn, on North Orange Street.

The Brick Ark Inn is a bed and breakfast owned by my high school classmate, Tammy Luce, and it’s developed a reputation for comfort and hospitality. She agreed to sell the book there mostly for her guests, but I’m sure anyone could drop by to get a copy (and try some of the honey for sale there), and to check the place out. Here’s her website:

http://www.brickarkinn.com/

Smoky Days is about Albion’s fire history, and Tammy is set up in an 1880’s brick home just a block from the Noble County Courthouse Square, which figures prominently in the book. In fact, her home is next to the former location of the Worden House, which is mentioned in the book’s opening chapter as the scene of one of Albion’s earliest fire related injuries. On the same block is the Albion Opera House, which has its own segment in the book.

Of course, you can order any of my books from the website at www.markrhunter.com. But if you happen to be visiting Albion you owe it to yourself to check out the Brick Ark Inn, one of our jewels run by a jewel of a person.

A snippet of "Storm Chaser Shorts"

Storm Chaser Shorts, “Vantage Point”:


A single loud crack provided his only warning. His arms shot out, but met air empty of anything except humidity. Then the water swallowed him up.

Luther Magee would drown, without anyone ever knowing it was all Allison Craine’s fault.


markrhunter.com/books.html

Editing on a horse

I’d eased off a bit on the Harlequin edits for Coming Attractions due to various medical issues, but I’m going to concentrate and get back on the editing horse while everyone else is busy with NaNoWriMo.

It helps that we are, in a word, broke. Nothing says “Go work on your career!” like trying to figure out how to pay the bills.

Scary Cold On Halloween

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK


In my adult years I’ve never been a fan of Halloween, especially now that I’m not supposed to be eating candy anymore. I mean, what’s the point?

It pained me to see store shelves stocked with Halloween products in August, a time when werewolves and mummies would be dropping of heat exhaustion. They replaced back to school products, which hit the shelves around the time school let out earlier in the summer. Those products often have to fight for space beside Christmas displays.

In the defense of businesses, they have to get some of that merchandise sold off by November, so they have room for Valentine’s Day stuff.

January and March are only there to give the merchants some breathing room.

But my biggest problem with Halloween is the timing. It’s the middle of autumn, the days are getting colder, the trees have shed their leaves, and winter’s ready to have at me with both icy barrels. What’s to celebrate?
National Frostbite Month?

Researchers say 43% of adults who have Seasonal Affective Disorder, as I do, had that form of depression in childhood. In other words, I wasn’t just a miserable kid because I was a miserable kid, although I’m sure I was that, too. That means that as a child I probably approached October 31st with the attitude of my two media heroes, Eeyore the donkey and Grumpy Cat. If anybody cares. Which I doubt.

That explains why my main goals when it came to Halloween, then and now, was to find the warmest costume available, and to eat enough candy to put on a good coat of insulation.

My earliest Halloween memory was dressing as a little devil. I was covered head to foot in red felt, had a forked tail, and carried a wicked looking pitchfork. I looked a lot like an IRS agent.

That must have been an unusually warm fall, because I remember actually being a visible devil. Usually in northeast Indiana you could only see that part of the costume between the bottom of our winter coats and the top of our rubber boots.

Many years later, as a teenager, my friends and I talked each other into going trick or treating dressed as women. I saw the benefits immediately, and went as a “frumpy” woman. In other words, I wore layers of clothes and stuffed the front of my chest with insulating material, then put on a huge wig and a princess mask. Every part of me was protected from the elements except my hands, which had to be free to collect treats.

Once I was too old for the treats part I pretty much lost interest in Halloween until I had kids of my own, and began looking for ways to dress them warmly and cheaply. Turns out they weren’t as bothered by the weather as I was, and were more willing to do crazy things like decorate, and go outside, and care. Just the same, I think the Giant Box of Popcorn outfit was a work of pure insulation genius.

Now I’ve come up with a list of ideas that can meet my goal of warmth while also being an actual costume:

Werewolf. We have a dog who resembles a wolf, so Emily suggested we all three dress that way. I accepted the idea immediately, because it meets the goal of being completely covered.

Polar Bear. Any bear will do, as long as there’s fur.

Dumbledore. He’s a Harry Potter wizard, best known for long robes, big hat, and flowing beard. I could wear ten or twelve layers under that. According to J.K. Rowling he’s also gay, which means I could also cover myself with a rainbow blanket.

Firefighter. Easy-peasy … I already have the outfit. Ironically, while it does a great job protecting from heat, it also holds heat in very well. Sometimes too well.

Eskimo. I don’t think that’s the PC name for them anymore, but the important part is that you get to dress like someone who’s dressing warm. Just stay away from the people costumed as polar bears.

Costumes to avoid in northern Indiana during October: Pole dancer; Olympic diver; Miley Cyrus; college cheerleader; Aquaman (being wet saps body heat); and deer.

The costume I’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t because it’s not warm enough: politician. I know what you’re thinking: A liar like that? His pants have got to be hot. But really, I just wanted to add one really scary costume to the mix. I figure I’d dress up like Joe Biden, act out of touch, take half of your candy, and spy on your house.

It probably won’t scare the kids too much … but the adults will be terrified.

I need this like a heart attack

I probably won't be online much tomorrow, as I have an appointment to see a cardiologist. Nothing to worry about: I had some chest pains a few weeks ago, but they're fairly sure it was associated with an infection. My EKG said I was "borderline abnormal" -- as if we didn't already know that -- so they want me to see a heart specialist as a precaution, because I can't pay them anymore if I die.

(But, hey -- if I die, my books will be worth more!)

Storm Chaser sample

Storm Chaser:


“Are you going to drive like everyone else does around tornadoes?”

“Yes!” Heart pounding, he swung the car onto the pavement and hit the gas. This was Chance’s first close call with a tornado, but he had no trouble imagining how other people drove when near one.

“That’s what I thought.” She pulled on the safety belt …


markrhunter.com/books.html

website update and signed fire history book

Emily has fixed up the website again: There's still a little work to be done, but it's worth checking out www.markrhunter.com just to see her extra-cute photo of our dog, Bae.

It also has something we've been meaning to put up there for some time: On the Book page, there's a way to order signed copies of my Albion fire history book, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, and get it shipped to you, just like the other books. Check it all out, and let us know what you think!

A novel idea: group writing

There’s an interesting idea going on at Grammarly, for National Novel Writing Month: The folks over there are starting Project #GrammoWriMo, an attempt to organize the largest group of authors to ever collaborate on a novel. Here’s their blog about the project:

http://www.grammarly.com/blog/2013/na...

They’re on Twitter as @GrammoWriMo, and the timeline for the whole thing is here:

http://www.grammarly.com/grammowrimo/

Sadly, I’m going to spend NaNoWriMo working on edits rather than writing new, but I hope everyone has fun.