Iain Rob Wright's Blog, page 6
September 9, 2013
Current Plans
Hi guys,
It's been a while since I did an update, so here's a brief rundown of what I'm up to. I'm on break throughout September but I will be popping up here and there to do the odd post. There will also be a nice little surprise at the end of this month that many people will not be expecting - so stay tuned for that.
Going forwards, I will be writing the sequel to RAVAGE, which will be called SAVAGE. It will catch up with the survivors from the first book and will also serve as the final entry in my 'Damien-verse' series of books. I know many of my fans enjoy the way that all of my books link up with one another, but the problem I have is that I added the links retroactively as I wrote each book. This made it very difficult to come up with consistent story ideas (how can I end the world in Animal Kingdom in one book and then again in Ravage?)' so SAVAGE will be the end of the universe that includes Damien, Jack, and the others.
Starting in 2014 I will begin a new series of linked-up novels. This time I will plan out the shared universe before hand and then write each novel as part of a pre-existing world. This should help make all of my future books far more consistent and hopefully part of a much richer tapestry. I love linking my books together, but I want to make sure I do it right going forward, so I will be abandoning the Damien-verse and starting something new.
Amongst my new series will be a thriller series featuring the character of Sarah Stone. The best way to describe her character would be Jack Bauer crossed with Dr House. She's a broken, emotionally wrecked bitch - but she's a warrior and a champion. Expect her to stop a whole host of terrorists and villains as the books come out. I will also be writing a spin-off series of books that focus more on serial killers and the man who is tasked to catch them - who happens, himself, to be the son of two notorious killers.
I will continue to write horror, but I've been wanting to branch out into straight thrillers for a while, so that is my current agenda. However, stay tuned for a potential horror novel that may be out before Christmas and will mix my characters with those belonging to another well-known author.
As for current releases, THE HOUSEMATES, went straight to being my best selling novel and seems to be going down well with my regular readers. If you grab a copy, I hope that you enjoy it. The link for it is below.
UK US
It's been a while since I did an update, so here's a brief rundown of what I'm up to. I'm on break throughout September but I will be popping up here and there to do the odd post. There will also be a nice little surprise at the end of this month that many people will not be expecting - so stay tuned for that.
Going forwards, I will be writing the sequel to RAVAGE, which will be called SAVAGE. It will catch up with the survivors from the first book and will also serve as the final entry in my 'Damien-verse' series of books. I know many of my fans enjoy the way that all of my books link up with one another, but the problem I have is that I added the links retroactively as I wrote each book. This made it very difficult to come up with consistent story ideas (how can I end the world in Animal Kingdom in one book and then again in Ravage?)' so SAVAGE will be the end of the universe that includes Damien, Jack, and the others.
Starting in 2014 I will begin a new series of linked-up novels. This time I will plan out the shared universe before hand and then write each novel as part of a pre-existing world. This should help make all of my future books far more consistent and hopefully part of a much richer tapestry. I love linking my books together, but I want to make sure I do it right going forward, so I will be abandoning the Damien-verse and starting something new.
Amongst my new series will be a thriller series featuring the character of Sarah Stone. The best way to describe her character would be Jack Bauer crossed with Dr House. She's a broken, emotionally wrecked bitch - but she's a warrior and a champion. Expect her to stop a whole host of terrorists and villains as the books come out. I will also be writing a spin-off series of books that focus more on serial killers and the man who is tasked to catch them - who happens, himself, to be the son of two notorious killers.
I will continue to write horror, but I've been wanting to branch out into straight thrillers for a while, so that is my current agenda. However, stay tuned for a potential horror novel that may be out before Christmas and will mix my characters with those belonging to another well-known author.
As for current releases, THE HOUSEMATES, went straight to being my best selling novel and seems to be going down well with my regular readers. If you grab a copy, I hope that you enjoy it. The link for it is below.
UK US
July 16, 2013
Chapter 1 of The Housmates (unfinished draft)
THE HOUSEMATESDay 1The ferry glided ashore. A bus waited on the hill. Rain came down in silver sheets against the velvet darkness of the endless night. It was like the opening to a horror movie.
Damien didn’t like wearing the hood over his head and had managed to peek out from beneath it several times in the last hour. It was uncomfortable being in the dark, unable to see, unable to even hear properly.
Damien’s hosts had told him that the hood was necessary – that the location of the island must be kept secret. The only information they had divulged willingly was that his destination was somewhere off the northern coast of Scotland. The atmosphere’s cold, penetrating bite made it easy to believe that Damien had been taken north. He rubbed at his shoulders.
Freezing my bloody knob off here.
Not wanting to push his luck, Damien pulled the hood back down over his face and engaged his hearing. It sounded like the captain of the small passenger ferry was about to give orders.
“Okay, everybody. I’m afraid you will have to leave your hoods on for just a little while longer. The house is just over a mile inland. A bus will take you there now, and then you can finally take the hoods off and settle in.”
There were sighs of relief from all around. Damien wasn’t sure how many other people were on the ferry with him, but he estimated there was at least ten; definitely enough bodies to constitute a crowd. They were all wearing hoods the same as his.
So I have about a dozen competitors. That puts my odds of winning pretty low.
Near the ferry’s bow, a man had begun ushering everybody ashore, barking orders at them in a clipped tone. Damien stumbled past the gruff gentleman and was hustled along onto what felt like a wooden jetty beneath his feet. The freezing rain made him shudder as he left the shelter of the boat.
Remind me never to come to Scotland again if this is what it’s like.
Damien started up an incline, towards where he imagined the bus was parked. An engine idled nearby and the acrid odour of spent petrol mingled with the scent of wet soil. An owl hooted.
When Damien finally stepped onto the waiting bus, the warmth was heavenly. It must have been several hours since his journey had begun and he was starting to feel the weariness in his bones.
They had collected Damien from a train station in Sheffield, where he had then been driven even further north for almost three hours. That was when he had been told to put the hood on. He transferred onto a coach, along with several other people, and got going again on yet another leg of the journey. The hood prevented him from seeing who his companions were, but he heard some of them chatting to whoever was closest to them.
Time became a blur. Weariness and boredom had led to a dazed passing of seconds and minutes and hours until, finally, Damien and his companions were boarded onto a ferry, which had taken them on the short trip to where they were now.
Damien was glad to hear he was now only a mile away from his final destination.
Thought I’d never get there.
He groped his way along the aisle of the stationary bus and found himself a seat on his left. He sat down and relaxed back into the soft cushion.
Oh, yeah. That feels better.
Just another twenty minutes and this wretched trip will be over.
Not long now until this whole thing begins.
Nerves began to tickle at Damien’s psyche as he sat there and waited for the bus to get moving. The bizarre nature of the situation he was in began to sink in. It was something he never would have got himself into usually, but…
When needs must…
The Devil drives.
Damien felt someone dump down on the seat behind him as the bus grumbled into gear and started moving. The rain continued falling heavy outside, thudding against the window panels on both sides of the vehicle.
Damien closed his eyes beneath his hood and allowed himself to rest. He had a worry that rest would be hard to come by during the days ahead.
The bus sped up, jerking and hopping as it traversed uneven terrain. A couple of times it felt as though the vehicle had gone off road completely, so bad was the rocking and tilting. There were no sounds coming from outside: no noise from other traffic, no grinding steel of industrial buildings. Wherever the bus was heading, it was seemingly in the middle of nowhere.
The stranger on the seat behind Damien leant forward and whispered to him. “Pretty exciting, huh?”
With the hood still over his head, Damien was unsure if the woman’s question had been directed at him. After a few seconds he decided that it was and gave a reply. “I don’t know if ‘exciting’ is the word I would use.”
The stranger huffed. “Really, then how would you describe it?”
“Overdone.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean this is all a bit dramatic. We’ve been whisked away in the dead of night under the cover of darkness to a destination we know nothing about. Is it really necessary?”
“It’s just part of the experience. Putting on a good show.”
Damien sighed. “It’s stupid.” He pulled the hood off his head and blinked his eyes. He’d had enough of being in the dark. The whole thing was ridiculous. He understood the need for privacy, to a certain degree, but he was done feeling like a prisoner of war.
“Sir, please put your hood back on!”
Damien looked over at the front of the bus to see that the driver was twisting around to study him. The man was skeletal with cheekbones that leapt out at right-angles. Beside him stood a colleague: a burly man in a set of black overalls and work boots.
“Sir,” said the burly man beside the driver. His dark eyes had narrowed and were targeted at Damien. “Put your hood back on or you will be disqualified. You must obey the rules at all times. That is what you agreed when you signed up for the show.”
Damien stared out of the rain-soaked window. A flash of lightning lit up the sky and the landscape came briefly into view. The entire area was marked by grassy hills and craggy outcroppings, and not a great deal else.
“Sir, I am going to give you three seconds…”
Damien rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine! But this is getting stupid.” He tugged the hood back over his head and cursed beneath it.
Why the hell did I agree to this? I feel like a right dickhead.
The bus continued its journey for another five minutes before slowing down and eventually stopping. Everybody sat in silence while they waited to be summoned.
“Can everybody please shuffle to the front of the bus,” said a voice that Damien recognised as belonging to the burly man in the black overalls.
Damien got to his feet and felt his way down the aisle. He immediately bumped into someone in front of him and had to wait for them to get moving. Once they did, he followed after them.
At the front of the bus, someone placed a hand on Damien’s shoulder and manoeuvred him down the steps. His feet planted down on wet, crunchinggravel. Someone bumped into him from behind and sent him stumbling forward. It wasn’t long before he was standing shoulder to shoulder with the rest of his unknown companions as they were corralled into a group.
“Okay, everybody. You can now take off your hoods.”
Damien ripped his off and let it fall to the floor. He couldn’t help himself from stomping it into the mud. Everybody else in the crowd seemed equally relieved and there was a collective sigh among them.
The man in the black overalls stood in front of the assembled crowd and had been joined by several other men. They all wore jeans and dark sweaters. The sweaters had a logo of a great staring eye on the left shoulder. It looked the type of symbol the Mason’s would use, or maybe a little like hieroglyphics.
Several yards ahead lay a vast complex which resembled a factory unit in many ways. Barbed wire lined the edges of a ten-foot steel fence which ran around the sides and back of the complex. Giant floodlights lit up the entire area. It reminded Damien of a concentration camp.
“Now,” said the man in black overalls. “You are about to enter our specially designed facility. You will spend up to ten days inside; some of you, not so long. In order to remain inside, you must obey all rules at all times. Failure to follow rules will result in expulsion from the house. Failure to follow commands will result in expulsion from the house. Failure to participate will result in expulsion from the house. Do all of you understand?”
The crowd mumbled affirmably.
The man continued. “Each day inside the house will include a group task followed by a vote to eliminate one member of the household. The winner or winners of the group task will be immune from receiving votes. Each evening will feature an elimination task between the two members of the group who received the most votes. The loser of the elimination task will be expelled from the house. Is that clear?”
The crowd mumbled agreement once more.
“After all contestants, bar two, are eliminated, the prize money will have been won. Two million pounds split between the final two housemates. Those housemates will then have a choice – they can leave with a million each, or wage it against one another in a final elimination task. The winner of the task will then leave the house with two million pounds in their bank account, while the loser will receive nothing.”
The group got excited and began looking around at one another as if to weigh up their competition.
They look like a bunch of rabid hyenas, Damien thought. Am I the same as them?
The man in the black overalls clapped his hands together, regaining everybody’s attention. “Okay, my friends,” he said. “Welcome to the house and let the games begin.”
Damien didn’t like wearing the hood over his head and had managed to peek out from beneath it several times in the last hour. It was uncomfortable being in the dark, unable to see, unable to even hear properly.
Damien’s hosts had told him that the hood was necessary – that the location of the island must be kept secret. The only information they had divulged willingly was that his destination was somewhere off the northern coast of Scotland. The atmosphere’s cold, penetrating bite made it easy to believe that Damien had been taken north. He rubbed at his shoulders.
Freezing my bloody knob off here.
Not wanting to push his luck, Damien pulled the hood back down over his face and engaged his hearing. It sounded like the captain of the small passenger ferry was about to give orders.
“Okay, everybody. I’m afraid you will have to leave your hoods on for just a little while longer. The house is just over a mile inland. A bus will take you there now, and then you can finally take the hoods off and settle in.”
There were sighs of relief from all around. Damien wasn’t sure how many other people were on the ferry with him, but he estimated there was at least ten; definitely enough bodies to constitute a crowd. They were all wearing hoods the same as his.
So I have about a dozen competitors. That puts my odds of winning pretty low.
Near the ferry’s bow, a man had begun ushering everybody ashore, barking orders at them in a clipped tone. Damien stumbled past the gruff gentleman and was hustled along onto what felt like a wooden jetty beneath his feet. The freezing rain made him shudder as he left the shelter of the boat.
Remind me never to come to Scotland again if this is what it’s like.
Damien started up an incline, towards where he imagined the bus was parked. An engine idled nearby and the acrid odour of spent petrol mingled with the scent of wet soil. An owl hooted.
When Damien finally stepped onto the waiting bus, the warmth was heavenly. It must have been several hours since his journey had begun and he was starting to feel the weariness in his bones.
They had collected Damien from a train station in Sheffield, where he had then been driven even further north for almost three hours. That was when he had been told to put the hood on. He transferred onto a coach, along with several other people, and got going again on yet another leg of the journey. The hood prevented him from seeing who his companions were, but he heard some of them chatting to whoever was closest to them.
Time became a blur. Weariness and boredom had led to a dazed passing of seconds and minutes and hours until, finally, Damien and his companions were boarded onto a ferry, which had taken them on the short trip to where they were now.
Damien was glad to hear he was now only a mile away from his final destination.
Thought I’d never get there.
He groped his way along the aisle of the stationary bus and found himself a seat on his left. He sat down and relaxed back into the soft cushion.
Oh, yeah. That feels better.
Just another twenty minutes and this wretched trip will be over.
Not long now until this whole thing begins.
Nerves began to tickle at Damien’s psyche as he sat there and waited for the bus to get moving. The bizarre nature of the situation he was in began to sink in. It was something he never would have got himself into usually, but…
When needs must…
The Devil drives.
Damien felt someone dump down on the seat behind him as the bus grumbled into gear and started moving. The rain continued falling heavy outside, thudding against the window panels on both sides of the vehicle.
Damien closed his eyes beneath his hood and allowed himself to rest. He had a worry that rest would be hard to come by during the days ahead.
The bus sped up, jerking and hopping as it traversed uneven terrain. A couple of times it felt as though the vehicle had gone off road completely, so bad was the rocking and tilting. There were no sounds coming from outside: no noise from other traffic, no grinding steel of industrial buildings. Wherever the bus was heading, it was seemingly in the middle of nowhere.
The stranger on the seat behind Damien leant forward and whispered to him. “Pretty exciting, huh?”
With the hood still over his head, Damien was unsure if the woman’s question had been directed at him. After a few seconds he decided that it was and gave a reply. “I don’t know if ‘exciting’ is the word I would use.”
The stranger huffed. “Really, then how would you describe it?”
“Overdone.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean this is all a bit dramatic. We’ve been whisked away in the dead of night under the cover of darkness to a destination we know nothing about. Is it really necessary?”
“It’s just part of the experience. Putting on a good show.”
Damien sighed. “It’s stupid.” He pulled the hood off his head and blinked his eyes. He’d had enough of being in the dark. The whole thing was ridiculous. He understood the need for privacy, to a certain degree, but he was done feeling like a prisoner of war.
“Sir, please put your hood back on!”
Damien looked over at the front of the bus to see that the driver was twisting around to study him. The man was skeletal with cheekbones that leapt out at right-angles. Beside him stood a colleague: a burly man in a set of black overalls and work boots.
“Sir,” said the burly man beside the driver. His dark eyes had narrowed and were targeted at Damien. “Put your hood back on or you will be disqualified. You must obey the rules at all times. That is what you agreed when you signed up for the show.”
Damien stared out of the rain-soaked window. A flash of lightning lit up the sky and the landscape came briefly into view. The entire area was marked by grassy hills and craggy outcroppings, and not a great deal else.
“Sir, I am going to give you three seconds…”
Damien rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine! But this is getting stupid.” He tugged the hood back over his head and cursed beneath it.
Why the hell did I agree to this? I feel like a right dickhead.
The bus continued its journey for another five minutes before slowing down and eventually stopping. Everybody sat in silence while they waited to be summoned.
“Can everybody please shuffle to the front of the bus,” said a voice that Damien recognised as belonging to the burly man in the black overalls.
Damien got to his feet and felt his way down the aisle. He immediately bumped into someone in front of him and had to wait for them to get moving. Once they did, he followed after them.
At the front of the bus, someone placed a hand on Damien’s shoulder and manoeuvred him down the steps. His feet planted down on wet, crunchinggravel. Someone bumped into him from behind and sent him stumbling forward. It wasn’t long before he was standing shoulder to shoulder with the rest of his unknown companions as they were corralled into a group.
“Okay, everybody. You can now take off your hoods.”
Damien ripped his off and let it fall to the floor. He couldn’t help himself from stomping it into the mud. Everybody else in the crowd seemed equally relieved and there was a collective sigh among them.
The man in the black overalls stood in front of the assembled crowd and had been joined by several other men. They all wore jeans and dark sweaters. The sweaters had a logo of a great staring eye on the left shoulder. It looked the type of symbol the Mason’s would use, or maybe a little like hieroglyphics.
Several yards ahead lay a vast complex which resembled a factory unit in many ways. Barbed wire lined the edges of a ten-foot steel fence which ran around the sides and back of the complex. Giant floodlights lit up the entire area. It reminded Damien of a concentration camp.
“Now,” said the man in black overalls. “You are about to enter our specially designed facility. You will spend up to ten days inside; some of you, not so long. In order to remain inside, you must obey all rules at all times. Failure to follow rules will result in expulsion from the house. Failure to follow commands will result in expulsion from the house. Failure to participate will result in expulsion from the house. Do all of you understand?”
The crowd mumbled affirmably.
The man continued. “Each day inside the house will include a group task followed by a vote to eliminate one member of the household. The winner or winners of the group task will be immune from receiving votes. Each evening will feature an elimination task between the two members of the group who received the most votes. The loser of the elimination task will be expelled from the house. Is that clear?”
The crowd mumbled agreement once more.
“After all contestants, bar two, are eliminated, the prize money will have been won. Two million pounds split between the final two housemates. Those housemates will then have a choice – they can leave with a million each, or wage it against one another in a final elimination task. The winner of the task will then leave the house with two million pounds in their bank account, while the loser will receive nothing.”
The group got excited and began looking around at one another as if to weigh up their competition.
They look like a bunch of rabid hyenas, Damien thought. Am I the same as them?
The man in the black overalls clapped his hands together, regaining everybody’s attention. “Okay, my friends,” he said. “Welcome to the house and let the games begin.”
July 2, 2013
COPY OF POST FEATURED ON THE BLOG OF J A KONRATH
COPY OF ARTICLE FEATURED ON THE BLOG OF J A KONRATH.
Hi my name is Iain Rob Wright and I am a Horror and Thriller writer from the UK. I am also an “Indie” writer who is making a good living (about $55,000 last year). In the spirit of Joe’s blog, which is primarily focused on sharing knowledge and experience, I am going to try and identify some of the things that have worked for me. They may work for you, they may not, but my hope is that they do.
First off, I would just like to thank Joe. Not merely for allowing me some space on his blog, but because he is a guy that has been instrumental in my career for the last two years. 90% of the things that have been successful for me have come as a result of his reliable advice. So, as such, the first tip that I am going to divulge to you is - TIP 1: LISTEN TO JOE.
Now, to put what I deem ‘success’ into perspective, I should share my life now compared to my life before I self-published. Two and a half years ago, I was a phones salesman. Due to being a bit of an emotional wreck during my teen and young adult years, I had dropped out of the Army, dropped out of University, and pretty much dropped out of life. I was pretty miserable. The one thing and only thing I had going for me was the woman who is now my wife. Her support and belief in me led to her pushing me into doing “what I’d always dreamed of.” She made me start writing in my spare time more and more, and most importantly she made me stay the course and actually finish a novel in full instead of constantly giving up halfway.
That novel was picked up by a small publisher and I was over the moon. To this day, it makes me only a pittance (about $150 a month). While the money was underwhelming, working with this publisher did allow me to network with other writers, find advice, and also form relationships with editors, artists, etc. It entrenched me in the publishing world and made me certain that it was where I wanted to be. Seeing that this small publisher had not exactly done much to make my novel a success (although I believe they did what they could), I decided I would do just as good a job if not better. So I learned about KDP, Createspace, and Smashwords, read Joe’s blog, and tried to write another book. That book, The Final Winter, started earning me the same amount of money each and every month as my monthly salary selling phones. So I quit my dayjob.
Now, two and a bit years later, I have six novels out (including the one I gave to a small publisher) and am earning more than twice what I did working nine to five in a job I hated. I have recently married, am a happy and stable person, and I absolutely love getting up in the morning to go to work. Self-publishing very literally changed my life – it made me richer, happier, and less stressed (when considering how working in sales used to make me feel). What still makes me sad, though, is that there are a lot of really decent, really talented authors out there who have not had the same success. I want to see more and more of them stuff their unfulfilling day jobs and live their own dreams – because, right now, it is more possible than ever.
So, on to my advice.
TIP 2: USE QUALITY BAIT
There are few things that guarantee success, but there are many things that guarantee failure. Having a shoddy, self-made cover is one of them. I pay an ex-Marvel artist $450 per original artwork cover (the expense more than pays for itself). His name is Stephen Bryant and you can commission him here: www.srbproductions.net
Below are two examples of the covers he has done for me.
The benefits of working closely with a single artist should be apparent. He has created what I call a ‘brand’. My name appears the same on all books, giving me the allusion of being ‘mass market’. He also creates atmosphere with colour palette as well as actual imagery (It’s very obvious that Ravage is a bleak tale and that Sam is spooky). In a nutshell, though, Stephen makes my books stand out on Amazon’s search pages – and that, really, is the only thing he needs to achieve for me.
Now, in regards to artwork I would give the following advice: make it simple. My bestselling book is The Final Winter. It is my most basic cover (I actually did it myself before I met Stephen). It is a white font on a black background, and that is it. Why does it sell so well? Because it provides more questions than answers. Take the Ravage cover for example. It is about zombies (groan). This makes me blush because the zombie genre is bloated and full of hacks and I don’t want to be just another one. However, my story is more about the characters and the horrific adventure they have getting to a hilltop amusement park that may provide sanctuary. The zombies are just hurdles for my characters to overcome. I don’t want them to take centre stage. But a lot of other zombie books have a ghoul (or a bunch of them) right on the cover. Straight away this turns away people that see zombies as silly or boring. Stephen’s cover for Ravage, however, suggests only that the book is about some sort of horrible catastrophe. It provides a much wider net to capture browsers with. Hopefully people look at my cover and think, “I wonder what that is about?” “What’s the ferris wheel in the background?” “What’s with the quarantine sticker?” “I’m intrigued.”
If you use your cover to create atmosphere and theme – rather than overtly shoving a zombie or a hockey masked killer in the browsers face – then you have a good chance of getting them to take the bait. Leading to my next step in gaining a reader.
TIP 2: MAKE SURE YOU REEL THEM IN
Your product description is your 30 second window to convince the reader to try your book (imagine being in The Dragon’s Den trying to get an investment). You should write it in the present tense as if it is happening right now (it’s more hooking that way) and you should again seek to raise more questions than answers. Don’t give the plot away; just make subtle allusions to it. In my product description for SAM, I tell the browser that “Sammie has a secret,” but I don’t say what. Hopefully the browser will have enough curiosity that they simply have to know what exactly that secret is and buy the book.
Also, don’t make your description one single hunk of text. Use short paragraphs and make use of taglines, subheadings, and anything else you can think of. I, for example, use bullet points for some key details about the book. I mention word length (so as not to disappoint anyone expecting something different and thus leaving me a bad review). I explicitly mention genre (again so that there is no confusion leading to disappointment for a reader), and I may mention other key things (such as a “Twist ending” or bonus content.) Bonus content is a great way to distinguish your book from that of your competitors. People love value, so give it to them. The reason for my bullet points is because I think shoppers like to be reassured that they are buying what they want. If you were selling a washing machine on Amazon, it would list the capacity, spin cycles, and energy efficiency. Whys should a book not be sold in the same, reassuring manner?
TIP 3: DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY
Even after you catch a fish, it can still wriggle its way out of your hands and back into the ocean. Kindle purchases can be refunded. I won’t go into detail here as this is really down to you being a good and professional writer and also making sure that your formatting is perfect. Joe has given a guide to how to layout an ebook. Follow his advice on this (see tip 1) because it is sound.
So those are my three tips on how to hook a single reader and keep them. Following is my advice on how to hook a whole bunch more and forge a stable career.
TIP 4: YOU’RE NOT A PRODIGY
Beethoven didn’t just decide to sit down at a piano one day and play Moonlight Sonata. No, he started playing at a young age and did so nonstop until he died. In other words, he trained and practised. All writers need to do the same. While some of us may have been born with the writing gene – we are generally more sensitive and emphatic, with imaginations that take on a life of their own – it is no different than the son of a champion boxer having the potential to follow in his father’s footsteps as an athlete. He may be predisposed to being a good boxer, but if he doesn’t get his arse in the gym, he’ll never be a champion like his dad. And you’ll never be a good writer unless you study the craft. I have read countless text books, blog articles, and negative reviews (the very best way to find out your flaws), and I can honestly say that without having done that, I would be writing a bunch of unreadable rubbish. While you may get the spirit of your book across with potential alone, you won’t get a reader through a 100k words with a smile on their face and a desire to buy more of your work. You need to learn and train yourself to put your ideas into words in the most professional way possible, and the only way to do that is to practise and to learn from experts.
Yet I still know some obnoxious authors who explode at any one-star reviews and post their rantings all over Facebook. They come across like Divas who cannot accept that their brilliance is not revered by all. But in 9 out of 10 cases those negative reviews bring up very valid points that the author would do well to listen to. My own shortcomings were regularly highlighted early on in my career. I was criticised for mixing Americanisms with British slang. As a child of the nineties, I have grown up on American culture as much as British. This resulted in me having a confused writing voice that led to me saying “put the cookies in the trunk, buddy” one minute and “bloody hell, geezer,” the next. But, thanks to the fact I took heed of my negative reviews and made it a focus to work on, I am now a better writer. If I had ignored those bad reviews I would still be making the same mistakes today, and losing readers as a result. So treat your negative reviews as gold dust, because they are one of the purest ways for you to improve as a writer.
TIP 5: TREAT WRITING LIKE A BUSINESS
For anyone doubting how much I treat my writing like a business, here is a screen-print from the 10th of June 2013 featuring the spreadsheet I use to track sales on a daily basis.
If you actually want your books to put food on your table then you need to treat them like products. The goal is to sell as much of your product as possible. You do this in the same way any other company would sell its wares; by promotion, PR, customer service, marketing, pricing, and viral/social presence.
You also need to realise that fans are also customers. Make them happy – ALWAYS. Never be a douchebag to a fan. Always reply to their emails and messages (until you get so successful that doing so is impossible). Ask about them and their lives instead of just plugging your products all the time. Treat them like human beings, like friends, and like the people that are literally the difference between you making a living as a writer and not (because they are). If you have a hundred happy fans, then they will support you and share your work until they become a thousand happy fans, and so on. Every time I post something about a promotion, I know that I am guaranteed to have it shared by a few dozens of my loyalist fans – and for that I love them. You should love your fans too.
They are also the best way to get positive reviews. When I compare myself to most other authors (traditionally published and indie) the number of reviews for my books dwarves the number for theirs. I believe this is due to the relationship I have with my fans. Reviews unequivocally translate into sales, so anything you can do to get them should be a priority.
TIP 6: DO A FAVOUR TO GET ONE
I hate – ABSOLUTELY HATE – authors who I have never spoken to before, messaging me on Facebook asking me to share the book. Why the hell would I? What have they done for me? How hard did they work to get my 2000+ facebook friends? But there are many many authors who I would help out without them even asking me too. If I respect an author or even if I just see a book I like the look of, I will click ‘share’. If I see someone politely asking for help in a facebook group, I will answer their question (if I can). Every day I try to do things to help other authors, and I hardly ever ask for things in return. Why? Because I don’t have to. If I share and spread the word of a hundred authors and then post something about my own freebie promotion, I know that most of those authors will see the opportunity to repay the favour and click ‘share’ for me. If I badgered them all the time without doing anything for them in return, they probably wouldn’t like me or want to help me. Trust me, if you do favours for other people, they will support you in return without you even having to ask them to. And in that way, no one has to badger anybody else and we can all concentrate on writing. On a separate note, I spend 30 minutes a day on facebook and manage to keep in contact with all my fans and fellow authors. Anything more than that and you are just wasting time better spent writing. More books mean more money (and more fishing nets in the water). Nothing should take priority over getting down words on a page.
TIP 7: BE PROUD OF BEING ‘INDIE’ BUT DON’T LABEL YOURSELF
I make a living from my writing. So does James Patterson. What’s the difference between us? Well, probably the same as a PGA golfer ranked no. 500 compared to Tiger Woods. Both are professional golfers, just at different levels of success. So why should I have to carry a label? While I am proud of being an ‘indie’ writer (I made it all on my own), I’m not willing to make a distinction between me and JK Rowling. We both do the same thing for a living, so why should I? When people Google my name (still can’t believe people actually do that!) they will find a professional looking website (www.iainrobwright.com) with all of my books. When they see my books on Amazon next to the latest Stephen King, there should be no difference in artwork quality or product description. When I go to the bank, my sole source of income (and the highest I have ever earned) is 100% from writing. I am proud of being an ‘indie’ author and do not take offence to those naming me as such, but the only label I willingly give to myself is ‘writer’. We, the unpublished (traditionally at least), are not a subclass. We are SPARTA!
TIP 8: LISTEN TO JOE
My last-but-one tip is the same as my first. While I hope some of my comments above are helpful, I am not a natural teacher in the way that Joe is. I don’t enjoy blogging, I don’t like doing news letters or mass emails, and I don’t enjoy experimenting with new ideas and pricing strategies (my novels are $3.99 and my novellas are 99c). I like to just sit down and write, while earning enough to look after me and my family. I’m a simple man. Joe is a pioneer.
TIP 9: HELP THOSE WHO HAVE HELPED YOU
This is the bit where I plug myself and hope that you will help me. If anything I have written above has helped you in any way, please pay it forward by doing me a favour (remember what I said about favours).
The first thing that I would like to request, is that you all add me on facebook and send me extra live for Candy Crush Saga. https://www.facebook.com/IainRobWright
The second, and perhaps more important thing (although little is more important than crushing candies) is to help make my current promotion a success. To celebrate my latest release, RAVAGE, I have made it, and my first novel, THE FINAL WINTER, free to download for the next 5 days. Getting high numbers during a free download promotion has always led to an uplift in sales afterwards, so you will be directly helping me towards building my wife a hot tub in the garden (yes, there really are some of us that can’t afford hot tubs. A tragic 1st world problem that is threatening to become an epidemic).
If you live in the US, you can download the two books here:
THE FINAL WINTER
RAVAGE
If you live in my home country of the UK, you can download them here:
THE FINAL WINTER
RAVAGE
Most of all, just support one another. As an individual we are strong, but as a group – a movement even – we are truly mighty. Feel free to add me on facebook and I will be happy to help you (as long as you help me). Take care everybody and have a successful summer!
Hi my name is Iain Rob Wright and I am a Horror and Thriller writer from the UK. I am also an “Indie” writer who is making a good living (about $55,000 last year). In the spirit of Joe’s blog, which is primarily focused on sharing knowledge and experience, I am going to try and identify some of the things that have worked for me. They may work for you, they may not, but my hope is that they do.
First off, I would just like to thank Joe. Not merely for allowing me some space on his blog, but because he is a guy that has been instrumental in my career for the last two years. 90% of the things that have been successful for me have come as a result of his reliable advice. So, as such, the first tip that I am going to divulge to you is - TIP 1: LISTEN TO JOE.
Now, to put what I deem ‘success’ into perspective, I should share my life now compared to my life before I self-published. Two and a half years ago, I was a phones salesman. Due to being a bit of an emotional wreck during my teen and young adult years, I had dropped out of the Army, dropped out of University, and pretty much dropped out of life. I was pretty miserable. The one thing and only thing I had going for me was the woman who is now my wife. Her support and belief in me led to her pushing me into doing “what I’d always dreamed of.” She made me start writing in my spare time more and more, and most importantly she made me stay the course and actually finish a novel in full instead of constantly giving up halfway.
That novel was picked up by a small publisher and I was over the moon. To this day, it makes me only a pittance (about $150 a month). While the money was underwhelming, working with this publisher did allow me to network with other writers, find advice, and also form relationships with editors, artists, etc. It entrenched me in the publishing world and made me certain that it was where I wanted to be. Seeing that this small publisher had not exactly done much to make my novel a success (although I believe they did what they could), I decided I would do just as good a job if not better. So I learned about KDP, Createspace, and Smashwords, read Joe’s blog, and tried to write another book. That book, The Final Winter, started earning me the same amount of money each and every month as my monthly salary selling phones. So I quit my dayjob.
Now, two and a bit years later, I have six novels out (including the one I gave to a small publisher) and am earning more than twice what I did working nine to five in a job I hated. I have recently married, am a happy and stable person, and I absolutely love getting up in the morning to go to work. Self-publishing very literally changed my life – it made me richer, happier, and less stressed (when considering how working in sales used to make me feel). What still makes me sad, though, is that there are a lot of really decent, really talented authors out there who have not had the same success. I want to see more and more of them stuff their unfulfilling day jobs and live their own dreams – because, right now, it is more possible than ever.
So, on to my advice.
TIP 2: USE QUALITY BAIT
There are few things that guarantee success, but there are many things that guarantee failure. Having a shoddy, self-made cover is one of them. I pay an ex-Marvel artist $450 per original artwork cover (the expense more than pays for itself). His name is Stephen Bryant and you can commission him here: www.srbproductions.net
Below are two examples of the covers he has done for me.
The benefits of working closely with a single artist should be apparent. He has created what I call a ‘brand’. My name appears the same on all books, giving me the allusion of being ‘mass market’. He also creates atmosphere with colour palette as well as actual imagery (It’s very obvious that Ravage is a bleak tale and that Sam is spooky). In a nutshell, though, Stephen makes my books stand out on Amazon’s search pages – and that, really, is the only thing he needs to achieve for me.
Now, in regards to artwork I would give the following advice: make it simple. My bestselling book is The Final Winter. It is my most basic cover (I actually did it myself before I met Stephen). It is a white font on a black background, and that is it. Why does it sell so well? Because it provides more questions than answers. Take the Ravage cover for example. It is about zombies (groan). This makes me blush because the zombie genre is bloated and full of hacks and I don’t want to be just another one. However, my story is more about the characters and the horrific adventure they have getting to a hilltop amusement park that may provide sanctuary. The zombies are just hurdles for my characters to overcome. I don’t want them to take centre stage. But a lot of other zombie books have a ghoul (or a bunch of them) right on the cover. Straight away this turns away people that see zombies as silly or boring. Stephen’s cover for Ravage, however, suggests only that the book is about some sort of horrible catastrophe. It provides a much wider net to capture browsers with. Hopefully people look at my cover and think, “I wonder what that is about?” “What’s the ferris wheel in the background?” “What’s with the quarantine sticker?” “I’m intrigued.”
If you use your cover to create atmosphere and theme – rather than overtly shoving a zombie or a hockey masked killer in the browsers face – then you have a good chance of getting them to take the bait. Leading to my next step in gaining a reader.
TIP 2: MAKE SURE YOU REEL THEM IN
Your product description is your 30 second window to convince the reader to try your book (imagine being in The Dragon’s Den trying to get an investment). You should write it in the present tense as if it is happening right now (it’s more hooking that way) and you should again seek to raise more questions than answers. Don’t give the plot away; just make subtle allusions to it. In my product description for SAM, I tell the browser that “Sammie has a secret,” but I don’t say what. Hopefully the browser will have enough curiosity that they simply have to know what exactly that secret is and buy the book.
Also, don’t make your description one single hunk of text. Use short paragraphs and make use of taglines, subheadings, and anything else you can think of. I, for example, use bullet points for some key details about the book. I mention word length (so as not to disappoint anyone expecting something different and thus leaving me a bad review). I explicitly mention genre (again so that there is no confusion leading to disappointment for a reader), and I may mention other key things (such as a “Twist ending” or bonus content.) Bonus content is a great way to distinguish your book from that of your competitors. People love value, so give it to them. The reason for my bullet points is because I think shoppers like to be reassured that they are buying what they want. If you were selling a washing machine on Amazon, it would list the capacity, spin cycles, and energy efficiency. Whys should a book not be sold in the same, reassuring manner?
TIP 3: DON’T LET THEM GET AWAY
Even after you catch a fish, it can still wriggle its way out of your hands and back into the ocean. Kindle purchases can be refunded. I won’t go into detail here as this is really down to you being a good and professional writer and also making sure that your formatting is perfect. Joe has given a guide to how to layout an ebook. Follow his advice on this (see tip 1) because it is sound.
So those are my three tips on how to hook a single reader and keep them. Following is my advice on how to hook a whole bunch more and forge a stable career.
TIP 4: YOU’RE NOT A PRODIGY
Beethoven didn’t just decide to sit down at a piano one day and play Moonlight Sonata. No, he started playing at a young age and did so nonstop until he died. In other words, he trained and practised. All writers need to do the same. While some of us may have been born with the writing gene – we are generally more sensitive and emphatic, with imaginations that take on a life of their own – it is no different than the son of a champion boxer having the potential to follow in his father’s footsteps as an athlete. He may be predisposed to being a good boxer, but if he doesn’t get his arse in the gym, he’ll never be a champion like his dad. And you’ll never be a good writer unless you study the craft. I have read countless text books, blog articles, and negative reviews (the very best way to find out your flaws), and I can honestly say that without having done that, I would be writing a bunch of unreadable rubbish. While you may get the spirit of your book across with potential alone, you won’t get a reader through a 100k words with a smile on their face and a desire to buy more of your work. You need to learn and train yourself to put your ideas into words in the most professional way possible, and the only way to do that is to practise and to learn from experts.
Yet I still know some obnoxious authors who explode at any one-star reviews and post their rantings all over Facebook. They come across like Divas who cannot accept that their brilliance is not revered by all. But in 9 out of 10 cases those negative reviews bring up very valid points that the author would do well to listen to. My own shortcomings were regularly highlighted early on in my career. I was criticised for mixing Americanisms with British slang. As a child of the nineties, I have grown up on American culture as much as British. This resulted in me having a confused writing voice that led to me saying “put the cookies in the trunk, buddy” one minute and “bloody hell, geezer,” the next. But, thanks to the fact I took heed of my negative reviews and made it a focus to work on, I am now a better writer. If I had ignored those bad reviews I would still be making the same mistakes today, and losing readers as a result. So treat your negative reviews as gold dust, because they are one of the purest ways for you to improve as a writer.
TIP 5: TREAT WRITING LIKE A BUSINESS
For anyone doubting how much I treat my writing like a business, here is a screen-print from the 10th of June 2013 featuring the spreadsheet I use to track sales on a daily basis.
If you actually want your books to put food on your table then you need to treat them like products. The goal is to sell as much of your product as possible. You do this in the same way any other company would sell its wares; by promotion, PR, customer service, marketing, pricing, and viral/social presence.
You also need to realise that fans are also customers. Make them happy – ALWAYS. Never be a douchebag to a fan. Always reply to their emails and messages (until you get so successful that doing so is impossible). Ask about them and their lives instead of just plugging your products all the time. Treat them like human beings, like friends, and like the people that are literally the difference between you making a living as a writer and not (because they are). If you have a hundred happy fans, then they will support you and share your work until they become a thousand happy fans, and so on. Every time I post something about a promotion, I know that I am guaranteed to have it shared by a few dozens of my loyalist fans – and for that I love them. You should love your fans too.
They are also the best way to get positive reviews. When I compare myself to most other authors (traditionally published and indie) the number of reviews for my books dwarves the number for theirs. I believe this is due to the relationship I have with my fans. Reviews unequivocally translate into sales, so anything you can do to get them should be a priority.
TIP 6: DO A FAVOUR TO GET ONE
I hate – ABSOLUTELY HATE – authors who I have never spoken to before, messaging me on Facebook asking me to share the book. Why the hell would I? What have they done for me? How hard did they work to get my 2000+ facebook friends? But there are many many authors who I would help out without them even asking me too. If I respect an author or even if I just see a book I like the look of, I will click ‘share’. If I see someone politely asking for help in a facebook group, I will answer their question (if I can). Every day I try to do things to help other authors, and I hardly ever ask for things in return. Why? Because I don’t have to. If I share and spread the word of a hundred authors and then post something about my own freebie promotion, I know that most of those authors will see the opportunity to repay the favour and click ‘share’ for me. If I badgered them all the time without doing anything for them in return, they probably wouldn’t like me or want to help me. Trust me, if you do favours for other people, they will support you in return without you even having to ask them to. And in that way, no one has to badger anybody else and we can all concentrate on writing. On a separate note, I spend 30 minutes a day on facebook and manage to keep in contact with all my fans and fellow authors. Anything more than that and you are just wasting time better spent writing. More books mean more money (and more fishing nets in the water). Nothing should take priority over getting down words on a page.
TIP 7: BE PROUD OF BEING ‘INDIE’ BUT DON’T LABEL YOURSELF
I make a living from my writing. So does James Patterson. What’s the difference between us? Well, probably the same as a PGA golfer ranked no. 500 compared to Tiger Woods. Both are professional golfers, just at different levels of success. So why should I have to carry a label? While I am proud of being an ‘indie’ writer (I made it all on my own), I’m not willing to make a distinction between me and JK Rowling. We both do the same thing for a living, so why should I? When people Google my name (still can’t believe people actually do that!) they will find a professional looking website (www.iainrobwright.com) with all of my books. When they see my books on Amazon next to the latest Stephen King, there should be no difference in artwork quality or product description. When I go to the bank, my sole source of income (and the highest I have ever earned) is 100% from writing. I am proud of being an ‘indie’ author and do not take offence to those naming me as such, but the only label I willingly give to myself is ‘writer’. We, the unpublished (traditionally at least), are not a subclass. We are SPARTA!
TIP 8: LISTEN TO JOE
My last-but-one tip is the same as my first. While I hope some of my comments above are helpful, I am not a natural teacher in the way that Joe is. I don’t enjoy blogging, I don’t like doing news letters or mass emails, and I don’t enjoy experimenting with new ideas and pricing strategies (my novels are $3.99 and my novellas are 99c). I like to just sit down and write, while earning enough to look after me and my family. I’m a simple man. Joe is a pioneer.
TIP 9: HELP THOSE WHO HAVE HELPED YOU
This is the bit where I plug myself and hope that you will help me. If anything I have written above has helped you in any way, please pay it forward by doing me a favour (remember what I said about favours).
The first thing that I would like to request, is that you all add me on facebook and send me extra live for Candy Crush Saga. https://www.facebook.com/IainRobWright
The second, and perhaps more important thing (although little is more important than crushing candies) is to help make my current promotion a success. To celebrate my latest release, RAVAGE, I have made it, and my first novel, THE FINAL WINTER, free to download for the next 5 days. Getting high numbers during a free download promotion has always led to an uplift in sales afterwards, so you will be directly helping me towards building my wife a hot tub in the garden (yes, there really are some of us that can’t afford hot tubs. A tragic 1st world problem that is threatening to become an epidemic).
If you live in the US, you can download the two books here:
THE FINAL WINTER
RAVAGE
If you live in my home country of the UK, you can download them here:
THE FINAL WINTER
RAVAGE
Most of all, just support one another. As an individual we are strong, but as a group – a movement even – we are truly mighty. Feel free to add me on facebook and I will be happy to help you (as long as you help me). Take care everybody and have a successful summer!
June 10, 2013
SEA SICK - Free now!
The novel I wrote after enjoying a week on a cruise ship. I have a way of making any situation twisted!
----------------
SEA SICK
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING…
Police Officer Jack Wardsley’s life ended the moment his partner died. Now, years later, he's not the man he used to be. He has a head full of secrets and a lust for violence that seems to grow each day. His recent record of police brutality and a reputation for not following the rules has prompted his seniors to give him an ultimatum: take a few weeks off; relax and find some way to let go of all the anger – or else find another job.
That's why Jack is about to board The Spirit of Kirkpatrick, a cruise liner built for five-star luxury. He's there to work out his issues and try to rediscover the man he used to be. But it isn't long, however, before Jack realizes that rest and relaxation is the last thing he’s going to get. A virus has found its way onboard and is making people insane. Soon the whole ship is overrun with blood and death. There is nowhere to escape.
But then Jack wakes up.
The day is exactly the same as the one he just lived through. In fact everything is the same; every detail. Jack will soon realize that he is stuck in a loop, forced to witness the mysterious virus ravage the ship and its passengers over and over again, day after day.
Escape is impossible, but there are others on-board who are trapped in time just like he is.
And some of them may know more than they’re letting on.
----------------
BUY IT HERE ON AMAZON KINDLE OR PAPERBACK: UK US
----------------
SEA SICK
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING…Police Officer Jack Wardsley’s life ended the moment his partner died. Now, years later, he's not the man he used to be. He has a head full of secrets and a lust for violence that seems to grow each day. His recent record of police brutality and a reputation for not following the rules has prompted his seniors to give him an ultimatum: take a few weeks off; relax and find some way to let go of all the anger – or else find another job.
That's why Jack is about to board The Spirit of Kirkpatrick, a cruise liner built for five-star luxury. He's there to work out his issues and try to rediscover the man he used to be. But it isn't long, however, before Jack realizes that rest and relaxation is the last thing he’s going to get. A virus has found its way onboard and is making people insane. Soon the whole ship is overrun with blood and death. There is nowhere to escape.
But then Jack wakes up.
The day is exactly the same as the one he just lived through. In fact everything is the same; every detail. Jack will soon realize that he is stuck in a loop, forced to witness the mysterious virus ravage the ship and its passengers over and over again, day after day.
Escape is impossible, but there are others on-board who are trapped in time just like he is.
And some of them may know more than they’re letting on.
----------------
BUY IT HERE ON AMAZON KINDLE OR PAPERBACK: UK US
May 31, 2013
Available Now: RAVAGE: An Apocalyptic Horror Novel
Ravage (previously known as Fever) is finally available to download for your Amazon Kindles (paperback to follow). It has been the longest and most difficult novel I have ever had to write, but it's also the one of which I am most proud. If you love apocalyptic thrill rides, you will love this! Hope you can give it a go. :-)
------------------------------------------
-- An SG Horror Release
-- 110k words in length + an additional 10k words of bonus content (120k words in total!)
-- Book finishes with Kindle-exclusive bonus content: THE PATH OF INFECTION (follow the virus as it passes from person to person on its rampage of destruction)
-------------------------------------
FIRST PEOPLE GOT SICK. THEN THEY GOT VERY SICK..
Nick Adams is just a normal guy. He loves his family, appreciates his home, and covets his car. But he absolutely hates his job. Which is what makes it so difficult when not a single customer comes by his store that day. It seems as though there’s a bug going around, something that has come out of nowhere and is keeping people at home. Still, it’s probably nothing to worry about. People get sick all the time.And besides, things are finally starting to look up. Nick’s first customer of the day has just stumbled through the door…
HIS DAY IS ABOUT TO GET WORSE..
It won’t be long before Nick’s entire life is turned upside down, sending him on a frantic journey through a ravaged world that will ultimately lead him 500 feet upwards to a hilltop amusement park. Is it the last safe place on Earth, or are the monsters at the top of the hill even worse than the ones below?
WELCOME TO RIPLEY HEIGHTS. WHERE THE FUN NEVER
STARTS.
Buy it here on Amazon: UK US
------------------------------------------
-- An SG Horror Release
-- 110k words in length + an additional 10k words of bonus content (120k words in total!)
-- Book finishes with Kindle-exclusive bonus content: THE PATH OF INFECTION (follow the virus as it passes from person to person on its rampage of destruction)
-------------------------------------
FIRST PEOPLE GOT SICK. THEN THEY GOT VERY SICK..
Nick Adams is just a normal guy. He loves his family, appreciates his home, and covets his car. But he absolutely hates his job. Which is what makes it so difficult when not a single customer comes by his store that day. It seems as though there’s a bug going around, something that has come out of nowhere and is keeping people at home. Still, it’s probably nothing to worry about. People get sick all the time.And besides, things are finally starting to look up. Nick’s first customer of the day has just stumbled through the door…
HIS DAY IS ABOUT TO GET WORSE..
It won’t be long before Nick’s entire life is turned upside down, sending him on a frantic journey through a ravaged world that will ultimately lead him 500 feet upwards to a hilltop amusement park. Is it the last safe place on Earth, or are the monsters at the top of the hill even worse than the ones below?
WELCOME TO RIPLEY HEIGHTS. WHERE THE FUN NEVER
STARTS.
Buy it here on Amazon: UK US
May 25, 2013
Interview with author, Graeme Clark
With me today is up and coming author, Graeme Clark. Here's what he has to say...
[image error]
What kind of writer are you and what do you have available at the moment?
I like to write psychological thrillers with a little horror thrown in. I begin with an
image that expands to a character then I start to write with no real aim but to get the bones
of a story down. I don't like planning and I hope this gives my stories an organic feel, growing as I
write. I never know where the characters are going to go, they lead; I never push them.
I have recently had a short story accepted into an anthology by the Fiction Writers Group on
Facebook. It's a group for new and experienced writers to learn, explore and interact with like-minded individuals who try and inspire each other. The goal was to use all the experience and knowledge of the group to, create, edit and publish a book of short stories with wildly different styles and genres, and we succeeded. It's called Writers' Anarchy and is available on Lulu.com in all formats and soon to be available on Amazon, Nook and Barnes and Noble. My contribution is called Chaos Rains.
What do you have in the pipeline?
I am currently working on a submission for Writers' Anarchy 2 out in October. This one has an 'End of the World' theme and my story is called 'Where the Dark Waits'. I also have a planned novella anthology of my own three stories, 'The Biting Cold', 'The Beast Without,' and 'The Men with the Brown Bag.' All horror and all in the hands of Screaming Spires Publications that I am hoping to release in the Autumn/Winter 2013. I have started my first full length novel called 'The Rising Dead' that has a twist on the genre that I hope will engage readers and inject something different into the 'zombie' genre that will keep it fresh.
Why should people check out your work?
I may write horror or psychological thrillers but they are very much grounded in reality. I try and keep my stories as plausible as I can and try very hard to be as original as I possibly can be, twisting the usual. Ordinary people in extra ordinary situations, drop them in and wait. My sub-conscious is always at least one step ahead and this makes for an 'anything can happen' narrative that drives me and should drive the reader. If I don't know where the story is going as I'm writing then the reader shouldn't be able to second guess. I only worry about joining the dots in the second draft.
[image error] What are your inspirations?
My biggest inspirations are those who I interact with on Facebook at the moment. The writers, artists and thinkers who always have something to say. Stories of their successes, achievements, releases, next projects and rejections have continually motivated me in the last year and without
them I would not be doing this interview. Doors have opened and connections made that have been invaluable.
Where would you like to be in five years time?
I would like to be writing more novels. Short stories are a quick fix but I really want to be focusing on novel length works. Ideas come thick and fast I need to nail a few down and this is why The Rising Dead finally started this year after months of it rolling about my head. I think it may run onto a second book but I will see where this one takes me. The challenge of a novel is very appealing and if I can get through to the end of this one then I will have proved to myself that I have that discipline, the ability to do it and short stories will be a thing of the past.
What's your favorite Theme Park Ride?
Rock n Roller coaster Paris Eurodisney. Close second is the Temple of Doom at the same resort and I still like The Big One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach but it's been a few years since I visited there.
What country would you like to visit most one day?
I have family in Canada and always said I would love to visit but just haven't managed with one thing or another cropping up year on year, but still on my list.
Best television show right now?
Enjoying 666 Park Avenue, started slowly but has picked up pace in recent weeks. Revolution is also interesting but seems to have a similar formula to Lost which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing but it's just too familiar now.
[image error]
What kind of writer are you and what do you have available at the moment?
I like to write psychological thrillers with a little horror thrown in. I begin with an
image that expands to a character then I start to write with no real aim but to get the bones
of a story down. I don't like planning and I hope this gives my stories an organic feel, growing as I
write. I never know where the characters are going to go, they lead; I never push them.
I have recently had a short story accepted into an anthology by the Fiction Writers Group on
Facebook. It's a group for new and experienced writers to learn, explore and interact with like-minded individuals who try and inspire each other. The goal was to use all the experience and knowledge of the group to, create, edit and publish a book of short stories with wildly different styles and genres, and we succeeded. It's called Writers' Anarchy and is available on Lulu.com in all formats and soon to be available on Amazon, Nook and Barnes and Noble. My contribution is called Chaos Rains.
What do you have in the pipeline?
I am currently working on a submission for Writers' Anarchy 2 out in October. This one has an 'End of the World' theme and my story is called 'Where the Dark Waits'. I also have a planned novella anthology of my own three stories, 'The Biting Cold', 'The Beast Without,' and 'The Men with the Brown Bag.' All horror and all in the hands of Screaming Spires Publications that I am hoping to release in the Autumn/Winter 2013. I have started my first full length novel called 'The Rising Dead' that has a twist on the genre that I hope will engage readers and inject something different into the 'zombie' genre that will keep it fresh.
Why should people check out your work?
I may write horror or psychological thrillers but they are very much grounded in reality. I try and keep my stories as plausible as I can and try very hard to be as original as I possibly can be, twisting the usual. Ordinary people in extra ordinary situations, drop them in and wait. My sub-conscious is always at least one step ahead and this makes for an 'anything can happen' narrative that drives me and should drive the reader. If I don't know where the story is going as I'm writing then the reader shouldn't be able to second guess. I only worry about joining the dots in the second draft.
[image error] What are your inspirations?
My biggest inspirations are those who I interact with on Facebook at the moment. The writers, artists and thinkers who always have something to say. Stories of their successes, achievements, releases, next projects and rejections have continually motivated me in the last year and without
them I would not be doing this interview. Doors have opened and connections made that have been invaluable.
Where would you like to be in five years time?
I would like to be writing more novels. Short stories are a quick fix but I really want to be focusing on novel length works. Ideas come thick and fast I need to nail a few down and this is why The Rising Dead finally started this year after months of it rolling about my head. I think it may run onto a second book but I will see where this one takes me. The challenge of a novel is very appealing and if I can get through to the end of this one then I will have proved to myself that I have that discipline, the ability to do it and short stories will be a thing of the past.
What's your favorite Theme Park Ride?
Rock n Roller coaster Paris Eurodisney. Close second is the Temple of Doom at the same resort and I still like The Big One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach but it's been a few years since I visited there.
What country would you like to visit most one day?
I have family in Canada and always said I would love to visit but just haven't managed with one thing or another cropping up year on year, but still on my list.
Best television show right now?
Enjoying 666 Park Avenue, started slowly but has picked up pace in recent weeks. Revolution is also interesting but seems to have a similar formula to Lost which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing but it's just too familiar now.
March 8, 2013
Back and Ready to go...
Hi everyone:
I'm back from my wonderful honeymoon in Florida, where I did all of the parks in Orlando and much more. I put on loads of weight, got a little bit of a tan, and a memory card full of happy photographs (most of which you can see on my Facebook account so add me if you haven't already: http://www.facebook.com/IainRobWright.
I was originally going to come back and post a load of pictures and stories about my vacation, but I decided that it would just be an online version of giving someone a slide show, and nobody wants that. So instead, I will just stick to what I am here for - letting you know about my books. I wrote half of my next novel before I got married and I am now working feverishly to get it completed. It is already 60,000 words long with perhaps another 30 or 40 to go. Below is a draft version of chapter one. It is yet to get a title, but its working name is THE SICKNESS. Enjoy!
Chapter One“The whole town is dead,” said Paul, re-entering the shop with a bored shuffle.
Nick gazed out at the shopping centre’s vacant seating areas and deserted walkways and saw that his co-worker’s statement was correct. The Bootsmegastore opposite – usually teeming with customers – was currently devoid of a single shopper and its typically vibrant team of staff were pottering around aimlessly, rejigging shelf displays and chatting to one another for lack of anything else to do. Likewise, the small mobile phone shop that Nick managed was also dead. It had been more than an hour since the last customer had stepped through the open shutter at the store’s entrance.
“I wonder why it’s so quiet,” Nick wondered, addressing his colleague. “Are England playing today or something?”
Paul shrugged and shook his bald head. “Hey, I’m Sikh. I only know when there’s cricket on.”
Nick chuckled. “So, all the other stores are just as quiet as us, then?”
“Yeah. I spoke to Chris at Game Traders and he said they haven’t had a customer since eleven.”
Nick’s watch told him it was now just after three. The daily sales target was now a near-impossible feat to achieve. Paul had set up a two-year iPhone contract for an overweight teenager first thing that morning but hadn't sold anything else since then other than Pay As You Go top-ups. Nick himself had not taken more than a couple quid through the tills either.
Nick rubbed at the stubble on his chin and stifled a yawn. Area manager’s going to have my bollocks in a vice. What can I do, though? Can’t force people to come to town and buy overpriced gadgets.
Slow days weren't uncommon in Nick’s line of business, especially with a recession in full swing, but this was one of the worst footfall days he could remember. There was barely any point even being open. In fact, with the cost of electricity and wages, the store would be losing money today.
Paul strolled over to the store’s laptop display and started to browse the Internet. It was against company regulations to use the computers for personal use but Nick wasn’t about to be a jobsworth for the sake of it.
Nick had an idea. “Look if you can see if something’s going on today that we don’t know about,” he said. “Find me an excuse to give the area manager. An outbreak of plague would be ideal.”
“No problem, governor,” said Paul, typing away with his gold-ringed fingers.
Just then, Chelsea came back onto the shop floor, having finished her lunch. She looked at the empty shop floor and then at Nick. She pulled a face.
“I know, I know” he said to her. “If it stays like this much longer, I’ll probably send you home. No point the three of us being here.”
No point even one of us being here.
If it was up to Nick they would have left already; he would have just closed up shop and called it a day. But Head Office didn’t allow him to make such judgement calls. They paid for him to be there ten hours a day and that’s exactly how long they expected him to stay (whether there was any need for it or not). There was no requirement for Paul and Chelsea to suffer, though.
I think they might just slip into a coma if things get any more boring. Screw it.
Nick was just about to tell both Paul and Chelsea to go home when, finally, a customer entered the store.
“At last,” he said. “Go get him, Chels. We need to get a contract out of this guy or I’m screwed on the conference call tonight.”
“No sweat,” said Chelsea, flicking her long blonde hair behind her back. “Watch a sales-ninja at work.”
Chelsea swaggered over to the customer, her trademark fake smile on full beam. The customer didn’t seem to notice her approach, however, and the man slumped against the central display unit where live demo-phones were lined up on individual pedestals. He was hunched over a Nokia smartphone so closely that he could probably smell the lithium in the battery.
Great, Nick thought to himself. Our first customer in hours is a useless pisshead.
Nick decided to shadow Chelsea, just in case she got into problems. The girl had a short fuse with difficult customers and a drunken waster would certainly qualify as a potential trigger.
“Are you okay there, sir?” Chelsea asked the man.
He remained hunched over, almost like he didn’t even hear her.
“I said, are you okay there, mate?” Chelsea was already beginning to look irritable. She turned to Nick and shook her head, tutted.
Nick eased her aside with his hand and stepped towards the customer himself. It was best for a manager to deal with anyone who was obviously not going to buy anything. “Sir, are you okay? I’m afraid you can’t sleep it off here.”
Still no response from the hunched-over man.
Nick reached out a hand. “Sir, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to go someplace else.”
The man shot upright, like a spring uncoiling. He turned to Nick with swollen, bloodshot eyes that were somehow vacant. A thin strand of saliva hung pendulously from his lower lip and seemed ready to make a break for the floor.
Nick took a step backwards. His stomach flipped over like a wet pancake. “Jesus! What the heck is wrong with you?”
The man gazed at Nick, swaying rhythmically on his feet and groaning. He seemed completely out of it.
But then the man spoke.
“I…I’m not feeling well.”
“No shit,” said Paul from over by the laptops. “You look rough, mate.”
The man wobbled for a moment and then spoke again. “I…I don’t think I can make it home. W-will you call my wife for me, please?”
Nick found himself staring for a moment, unable to reply. The stink coming off the man was foul, even worse than the sickly sight of him.
Eventually Nick found his voice. “Yes, yes, of course. Chelsea, will you grab my mobile?”
Chelsea hurried over to the sales desk and procured Nick’s phone for him. She handed it over at arm’s length, almost as if he was contagious of something merely for talking with the smelly man in the store.
“What’s the number?” Nick asked the man.
“It’s…it’s – one moment. It’s 07…0798…07985…”
It took about two minutes, but eventually the man managed to give Nick his full phone number. When he dialled it a woman picked up on the other end and asked who was calling.
Nick held the phone tight against his ear. “Oh, hi. This is Nick Adams. I’m calling from Phone Booth in town. I have your husband here with me. I’m afraid he’s not feeling very well. He needs someone to come collect him. Would you be able to make it into town?”
Nick listened while the woman on the other end of the line informed him that she could be at the store in twenty minutes. The thought of having to babysit the sick man in the meantime wasn’t something Nick relished, but what worried him even more was that his wife sounded sick too. The voice on the other end of the phone was disorientated and thick with mucus.
“Okay,” Nick uttered into his mobile phone, swallowing a spongy lump in his throat. “See you soon.” He slid the phone into his pocket and smiled at the unhealthy man in front of him. “Your wife is on her way,” he said reassuringly. “She won’t be long. Perhaps you should take a seat while you wait.”
“I’ll make the poor sod a cup of tea,” said Paul, wandering off to the back. “Looks like he could use one.”Nick led the sick man over to the carpeted sales area where there were several places to sit. The reason that part of the floor was carpeted was to make people feel more at home and relaxed, more inclined to buy. Nick thought the theory was a load of rubbish, but what did he know? He wasn’t exactly a genius.
As the sick man took a seat on one of the area’s plush, cubed sofas, Nick was forced to arc his head away as malignant body odour threatened to make his eyes water. The stench seemed to drift off the man in hot, humid waves. Nick made sure to sit on the opposite side of the desk as he kept the man company.
“Should I do anything?” Chelsea asked. The girl looked sick to her stomach and was fidgeting with her hair with a worried look on her face.
Nick waved a hand at her. “Just go, Chelsea. Paul and I will be okay to hold down the fort.”
Chelsea grinned. “You sure, boss?”
“Yeah, just get out of here. I’ll see you when you’re next in.”
Chelsea skipped off to the staffroom to get her things just as Paul returned from the back with three mugs of piping hot tea. Nick felt more relaxed just by looking at the steaming beverages.Paul placed the mugs down on the desk and slid the least-grimiest towards the sick man. “Here ya go, fella.”
“Thank you,” the man replied weakly. He seemed a little better since sitting down, but still looked terrible.
“I’m sorry to put you all out like this,” he said. “It’s just that I felt as though I was going to pass out. I just headed into the nearest shop to get help.”
“So you’re not interested in getting yourself a shiny new phone then?” Paul joked.
The man didn’t laugh. His head kept falling towards the desk as if he was having trouble holding it up.
“So what’s wrong with you?” Nick asked.
The man shook his head and spattered the vinyl surface of the desk with bubbling drops of spittle. “I-I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I’ve been feeling under the weather since yesterday morning. It really got bad this afternoon, though. I thought I just had a cold at first, but I think I must have the flu or something.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah, probably. Might be worth getting yourself down to see the quack. People underestimate the flu and how bad it can make you feel.”
The man nodded. “Soon as my wife picks me up, I’ll be heading straight to my local doctor. Don’t worry.”
“Your wife sounded poorly, too,” Nick mentioned.
“She has whatever Ihave, but she only started feeling ill this morning.”
Nick sipped his tea and tried to ignore the smell of wet fart drifting continuously over from his guest. “Well, I hope you get well soon, mate. Sucks being ill.”
The man’s head slumped to the desk with a thud.
Paul and Nick exchanged worried glances.
***
Fifteen minutes later, the man was still face down on the desk when his wife arrived. She tottered into the shop looking almost as bad as her husband. Her eyes were bulging and bloodshot, same as her husband, but she seemed a little more lucid than he did; less dazed. Her mousy brown hair was still kept neat in a tight ponytail.
“Hi,” Nick said to the woman.
She sneezed twice and then said, “I’m here to take George home.”
“Of course. He’s back here. I think he’s napping.”
The woman staggered forward, her steps uncoordinated and clumsy. Her husband – George, apparently – actually managed to lift his head up and look at her as she approached. He seemed unable to get up, though.
Paul headed over and placed his thick, brown hand on the man’s shoulder and squeezed. “The missus will get you to the Doctor’s now, fella. You’ll soon be on the mend.”
Like a thrashing animal, the man snapped his teeth at Paul’s hand and bit into it, clamping down his salivating jaws like a pit bull. Paul yelled out, yanked back his arm, and wrenched his hand free. He clutched it to his chest and cursed in his native Punjab. “Haramjada!”
George looked startled, almost as if he had no idea what he had just done. “I…I’m so sorry. I…”
“George!” his wife cried. “What the bloody hell are you playing at?”
The man looked scolded, tiny and afraid. “I’m so sorry,” he said to Paul. “I…I don’t know what came over me.”
Paul shook his injured hand and seemed totally bewildered. “Hey, erm, don’t worry about it, fella. I’ll just put it down to the fever.”
George’s wife ushered her husband away, leading him out of the shop in a hurry and chastising him all the way.
When it was just Nick and Paul left in the store, they looked at each other in confusion.
“The fuck just happened?” said Paul.
Nick shrugged. “Hell if I know. How’s your hand?”
“Hurts like a mother. That gandoo broke the skin. I probably got rabies or something.”
Nick shook his head and rubbed at his temples. He felt a huge headache coming on, vibrating like an approaching passenger train. “Screw it,” he said. “I’ve had enough of today. Let’s just cash up and get out of here. I’ll do the conference call at home and pretend I’m still here.”
Paul nodded. “Sounds good to me, governor. I’m sure things will be better tomorrow.”
I'm back from my wonderful honeymoon in Florida, where I did all of the parks in Orlando and much more. I put on loads of weight, got a little bit of a tan, and a memory card full of happy photographs (most of which you can see on my Facebook account so add me if you haven't already: http://www.facebook.com/IainRobWright.
I was originally going to come back and post a load of pictures and stories about my vacation, but I decided that it would just be an online version of giving someone a slide show, and nobody wants that. So instead, I will just stick to what I am here for - letting you know about my books. I wrote half of my next novel before I got married and I am now working feverishly to get it completed. It is already 60,000 words long with perhaps another 30 or 40 to go. Below is a draft version of chapter one. It is yet to get a title, but its working name is THE SICKNESS. Enjoy!
Chapter One“The whole town is dead,” said Paul, re-entering the shop with a bored shuffle.
Nick gazed out at the shopping centre’s vacant seating areas and deserted walkways and saw that his co-worker’s statement was correct. The Bootsmegastore opposite – usually teeming with customers – was currently devoid of a single shopper and its typically vibrant team of staff were pottering around aimlessly, rejigging shelf displays and chatting to one another for lack of anything else to do. Likewise, the small mobile phone shop that Nick managed was also dead. It had been more than an hour since the last customer had stepped through the open shutter at the store’s entrance.
“I wonder why it’s so quiet,” Nick wondered, addressing his colleague. “Are England playing today or something?”
Paul shrugged and shook his bald head. “Hey, I’m Sikh. I only know when there’s cricket on.”
Nick chuckled. “So, all the other stores are just as quiet as us, then?”
“Yeah. I spoke to Chris at Game Traders and he said they haven’t had a customer since eleven.”
Nick’s watch told him it was now just after three. The daily sales target was now a near-impossible feat to achieve. Paul had set up a two-year iPhone contract for an overweight teenager first thing that morning but hadn't sold anything else since then other than Pay As You Go top-ups. Nick himself had not taken more than a couple quid through the tills either.
Nick rubbed at the stubble on his chin and stifled a yawn. Area manager’s going to have my bollocks in a vice. What can I do, though? Can’t force people to come to town and buy overpriced gadgets.
Slow days weren't uncommon in Nick’s line of business, especially with a recession in full swing, but this was one of the worst footfall days he could remember. There was barely any point even being open. In fact, with the cost of electricity and wages, the store would be losing money today.
Paul strolled over to the store’s laptop display and started to browse the Internet. It was against company regulations to use the computers for personal use but Nick wasn’t about to be a jobsworth for the sake of it.
Nick had an idea. “Look if you can see if something’s going on today that we don’t know about,” he said. “Find me an excuse to give the area manager. An outbreak of plague would be ideal.”
“No problem, governor,” said Paul, typing away with his gold-ringed fingers.
Just then, Chelsea came back onto the shop floor, having finished her lunch. She looked at the empty shop floor and then at Nick. She pulled a face.
“I know, I know” he said to her. “If it stays like this much longer, I’ll probably send you home. No point the three of us being here.”
No point even one of us being here.
If it was up to Nick they would have left already; he would have just closed up shop and called it a day. But Head Office didn’t allow him to make such judgement calls. They paid for him to be there ten hours a day and that’s exactly how long they expected him to stay (whether there was any need for it or not). There was no requirement for Paul and Chelsea to suffer, though.
I think they might just slip into a coma if things get any more boring. Screw it.
Nick was just about to tell both Paul and Chelsea to go home when, finally, a customer entered the store.
“At last,” he said. “Go get him, Chels. We need to get a contract out of this guy or I’m screwed on the conference call tonight.”
“No sweat,” said Chelsea, flicking her long blonde hair behind her back. “Watch a sales-ninja at work.”
Chelsea swaggered over to the customer, her trademark fake smile on full beam. The customer didn’t seem to notice her approach, however, and the man slumped against the central display unit where live demo-phones were lined up on individual pedestals. He was hunched over a Nokia smartphone so closely that he could probably smell the lithium in the battery.
Great, Nick thought to himself. Our first customer in hours is a useless pisshead.
Nick decided to shadow Chelsea, just in case she got into problems. The girl had a short fuse with difficult customers and a drunken waster would certainly qualify as a potential trigger.
“Are you okay there, sir?” Chelsea asked the man.
He remained hunched over, almost like he didn’t even hear her.
“I said, are you okay there, mate?” Chelsea was already beginning to look irritable. She turned to Nick and shook her head, tutted.
Nick eased her aside with his hand and stepped towards the customer himself. It was best for a manager to deal with anyone who was obviously not going to buy anything. “Sir, are you okay? I’m afraid you can’t sleep it off here.”
Still no response from the hunched-over man.
Nick reached out a hand. “Sir, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to go someplace else.”
The man shot upright, like a spring uncoiling. He turned to Nick with swollen, bloodshot eyes that were somehow vacant. A thin strand of saliva hung pendulously from his lower lip and seemed ready to make a break for the floor.
Nick took a step backwards. His stomach flipped over like a wet pancake. “Jesus! What the heck is wrong with you?”
The man gazed at Nick, swaying rhythmically on his feet and groaning. He seemed completely out of it.
But then the man spoke.
“I…I’m not feeling well.”
“No shit,” said Paul from over by the laptops. “You look rough, mate.”
The man wobbled for a moment and then spoke again. “I…I don’t think I can make it home. W-will you call my wife for me, please?”
Nick found himself staring for a moment, unable to reply. The stink coming off the man was foul, even worse than the sickly sight of him.
Eventually Nick found his voice. “Yes, yes, of course. Chelsea, will you grab my mobile?”
Chelsea hurried over to the sales desk and procured Nick’s phone for him. She handed it over at arm’s length, almost as if he was contagious of something merely for talking with the smelly man in the store.
“What’s the number?” Nick asked the man.
“It’s…it’s – one moment. It’s 07…0798…07985…”
It took about two minutes, but eventually the man managed to give Nick his full phone number. When he dialled it a woman picked up on the other end and asked who was calling.
Nick held the phone tight against his ear. “Oh, hi. This is Nick Adams. I’m calling from Phone Booth in town. I have your husband here with me. I’m afraid he’s not feeling very well. He needs someone to come collect him. Would you be able to make it into town?”
Nick listened while the woman on the other end of the line informed him that she could be at the store in twenty minutes. The thought of having to babysit the sick man in the meantime wasn’t something Nick relished, but what worried him even more was that his wife sounded sick too. The voice on the other end of the phone was disorientated and thick with mucus.
“Okay,” Nick uttered into his mobile phone, swallowing a spongy lump in his throat. “See you soon.” He slid the phone into his pocket and smiled at the unhealthy man in front of him. “Your wife is on her way,” he said reassuringly. “She won’t be long. Perhaps you should take a seat while you wait.”
“I’ll make the poor sod a cup of tea,” said Paul, wandering off to the back. “Looks like he could use one.”Nick led the sick man over to the carpeted sales area where there were several places to sit. The reason that part of the floor was carpeted was to make people feel more at home and relaxed, more inclined to buy. Nick thought the theory was a load of rubbish, but what did he know? He wasn’t exactly a genius.
As the sick man took a seat on one of the area’s plush, cubed sofas, Nick was forced to arc his head away as malignant body odour threatened to make his eyes water. The stench seemed to drift off the man in hot, humid waves. Nick made sure to sit on the opposite side of the desk as he kept the man company.
“Should I do anything?” Chelsea asked. The girl looked sick to her stomach and was fidgeting with her hair with a worried look on her face.
Nick waved a hand at her. “Just go, Chelsea. Paul and I will be okay to hold down the fort.”
Chelsea grinned. “You sure, boss?”
“Yeah, just get out of here. I’ll see you when you’re next in.”
Chelsea skipped off to the staffroom to get her things just as Paul returned from the back with three mugs of piping hot tea. Nick felt more relaxed just by looking at the steaming beverages.Paul placed the mugs down on the desk and slid the least-grimiest towards the sick man. “Here ya go, fella.”
“Thank you,” the man replied weakly. He seemed a little better since sitting down, but still looked terrible.
“I’m sorry to put you all out like this,” he said. “It’s just that I felt as though I was going to pass out. I just headed into the nearest shop to get help.”
“So you’re not interested in getting yourself a shiny new phone then?” Paul joked.
The man didn’t laugh. His head kept falling towards the desk as if he was having trouble holding it up.
“So what’s wrong with you?” Nick asked.
The man shook his head and spattered the vinyl surface of the desk with bubbling drops of spittle. “I-I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I’ve been feeling under the weather since yesterday morning. It really got bad this afternoon, though. I thought I just had a cold at first, but I think I must have the flu or something.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah, probably. Might be worth getting yourself down to see the quack. People underestimate the flu and how bad it can make you feel.”
The man nodded. “Soon as my wife picks me up, I’ll be heading straight to my local doctor. Don’t worry.”
“Your wife sounded poorly, too,” Nick mentioned.
“She has whatever Ihave, but she only started feeling ill this morning.”
Nick sipped his tea and tried to ignore the smell of wet fart drifting continuously over from his guest. “Well, I hope you get well soon, mate. Sucks being ill.”
The man’s head slumped to the desk with a thud.
Paul and Nick exchanged worried glances.
***
Fifteen minutes later, the man was still face down on the desk when his wife arrived. She tottered into the shop looking almost as bad as her husband. Her eyes were bulging and bloodshot, same as her husband, but she seemed a little more lucid than he did; less dazed. Her mousy brown hair was still kept neat in a tight ponytail.
“Hi,” Nick said to the woman.
She sneezed twice and then said, “I’m here to take George home.”
“Of course. He’s back here. I think he’s napping.”
The woman staggered forward, her steps uncoordinated and clumsy. Her husband – George, apparently – actually managed to lift his head up and look at her as she approached. He seemed unable to get up, though.
Paul headed over and placed his thick, brown hand on the man’s shoulder and squeezed. “The missus will get you to the Doctor’s now, fella. You’ll soon be on the mend.”
Like a thrashing animal, the man snapped his teeth at Paul’s hand and bit into it, clamping down his salivating jaws like a pit bull. Paul yelled out, yanked back his arm, and wrenched his hand free. He clutched it to his chest and cursed in his native Punjab. “Haramjada!”
George looked startled, almost as if he had no idea what he had just done. “I…I’m so sorry. I…”
“George!” his wife cried. “What the bloody hell are you playing at?”
The man looked scolded, tiny and afraid. “I’m so sorry,” he said to Paul. “I…I don’t know what came over me.”
Paul shook his injured hand and seemed totally bewildered. “Hey, erm, don’t worry about it, fella. I’ll just put it down to the fever.”
George’s wife ushered her husband away, leading him out of the shop in a hurry and chastising him all the way.
When it was just Nick and Paul left in the store, they looked at each other in confusion.
“The fuck just happened?” said Paul.
Nick shrugged. “Hell if I know. How’s your hand?”
“Hurts like a mother. That gandoo broke the skin. I probably got rabies or something.”
Nick shook his head and rubbed at his temples. He felt a huge headache coming on, vibrating like an approaching passenger train. “Screw it,” he said. “I’ve had enough of today. Let’s just cash up and get out of here. I’ll do the conference call at home and pretend I’m still here.”
Paul nodded. “Sounds good to me, governor. I’m sure things will be better tomorrow.”
November 30, 2012
Things That Chafe My Nut Sack #3
SELF PROMOTERS!!!
Hey great news everybody! Book 2 of my fantastic fantasy series Hard Vampire Loving is now available and is free for the next 24 hours. It is my gift to you. Please grab a copy, you won't regret it.
Want to read a story of heart stopping suspense and weeping romance, check out Hard Vampire Loving. It's great.
Hey everyone. Buy my latest book, Hard Vampire Loving, or I will cut myself. Go on. Buy it.
Buy it! Buy it! Buy it!
You get the idea.... I hate this! Now, I must admit that on occasion I will post about my own work. It is a necessary evil, but I do so perhaps once a month (if that). I tend post a link to my books on the following occasions:1: A book has just been launched and I want to let people know.
2: A book is available in a free promotion
That's it. I don't see the need to post other than that. Doing so does nothing as far as I am concerned. I'll go into why later.
Now, a writer is by definition a smart and intelligent person. They have to have a decent grasp of English and have a deep knowledge of general trivia and human psychology. Of course that isn't always the case, but it should be. So, as intelligent people, why do some writers think that constantly forcing their work down people's throats will find them success? It's nuts! Just think about what makes you buy something. Would you buy a book from a guy who is spamming you every five minutes? Would you heck! No, I imagine most of you buy books for the following reasons:
1: You have enjoyed previous books from the author.
2: Somebody you trust told you the book was great.
3: You searched Amazon and enjoyed the book's description
4: You read some reviews and made an educated purchase.
At no point have you brought a book willingly because, 5: A guy battered you with Facebook posts until you spent you hard-earned cash on his book.
The thing that upsets me most is that I want to see other authors do well, and I see them making these mistakes and I cringe. But most of these constant spammers lack the self-awareness to ever change. You can't tell them to be any other way unfortunately.
Now, I hate talking like an authority on being a writer as I am just an infant in many ways, but I have achieved a decent living from my monthly book sales and I do so without ever resorting to the above, so I feel I have a certain right to make a public rant about this issue. In the last two years, I have made self-promoting posts sparingly and instead try to interact with my fellow authors and fans as human beings, rather than dollar signs and download numbers.
And if you are a despairing reader, being barraged on all sides by mercenary authors, take solace in the fact that it's not just you. Other authors get the same shit just as much.
I have other authors - some wannabee some established - adding me on Facebook and then immediately sending me a Private Message. What do these lovely people say? Do they say: Hi Iain, pleased to meet you? No, they say: Hey Iain, love you work. I have a new book coming out, wonder if you could spread the word (here they be links). Now there are several things that piss me off about this (FYI, I have never introduced myself to author in this way. Never! In fact if I add an author, I usually do so as a fan and not a fellow writer).
1: "Hey Iain, love your work." This annoys me because it's obvious this writer has not read my work. They think I am so vain, that the briefest and vague complement at the beginning of the message is all it will take to manipulate me?
2: Secondly, it took me 2 years to build up my current network or friends, fans, and colleagues. What makes this author feel they are entitled to it? Why should I expose their work to my friends, just because they ask?
3: What are they going to do for me? (sounds selfish but I will explain).
Anyway, a couple authors did this recently. What did I do? Well in this case, I did as they asked, but then I unfriended them. I genuinely want to help other authors, so that's what I did, but I did so only once and then banned them. Far as I'm concerned, if you behave this way you will not get ongoing support from me. If you are a gentleman like Craig Saunders, Eric S Brown, David Wilibanks, Ian Woodhead, Bryan Alsapa, Ryan C Thomas, R Thomas Riley, Armand Rosamilia, Billie Sue Mossman (gentlewoman) and countless other authors whom I respect, then I will constantly do what I can to help spread work of your books. Anybody that knows me, knows the following:
1: I will regularly do blog posts about other authors than about myself.
2: Most of my posts on Facebook are sharing the work of others. (Probably 10 for everyone 1 I make about my own work)
3: I will almost always do a favour when asked. I have endorsed books, done blog interviews, contacted local papers for other authors, set authors up with reviews, new fans, artists, and anything else they need. I like to think other authors think of me as a pretty nice guy in general and this is mainly because they know they can come to me for a shoulder to cry on, a buddy to laugh with, and a friend to do them favours. The caveat to this is that the relationship is organic. I do them favours after knowing them a little while, not from the moment they meet me.
4: I am not selfish with advice. I know a few things about making money from selling books. Do I keep this advice from other authors to ensure I stay at the top? No way. If I learn something useful you can guarantee I will let other authors know about it.
5: I often randomly share other authors links if I don't even know them. If they seem polite, grateful, and respectful then I will often make the effort to help them without even knowing them. You don't have to be my friend to get my help, just a decent human being.
Now, this selfless approach to publishing isn't completely selfless. I am successful after all. By being a nice guy and helping other people, I know that the following things will happen:
1: Other authors will talk about me positively (even mentioning me in the acknowledgements of their books sometimes)
2: On the rare occasions where I do try to promote my own work, these other authors will help me (without me even having to ask usually because they are nice human beings and want to return the favours I did for them).
3: If anyone criticizes me, I have people who will jump to my defence.
4: They will share their contacts with me (giving me access to other authors, artists, pubishers, etc)
5: They will collaborate with me and share their network of fans with me. (Eric S Brown lent a story to Animal Kingdom for free and Ryan C Thomas lent one to Sam).
So, in a nutshell. I am making a living writing books, and in doing so, I have not pissed off another human being once. I have not come across a single person badmouthing me. And I have made some really great friendships. I must be doing something right, huh?
Essentially, I am trying to give some advice here to other authors. GIVE BEFORE YOU TAKE. It may sound anti-intuitive but it works, I promise. Don't be a douchebag and don't ram your work down people's throats. If you're a good writer then slowly your positive reviews will build up, fans will flock to you, and sales will increase. Word of mouth is organic, not forced. It takes a while to get success and you can't make it happen any faster. Just keep writing and putting out quality work and you will rise to the top.
And also, if you are an author who has just met me, bear the following in mind:
1: If your first contact with me asks for a favour, I will do it, but then I'll never speak to you again.
2: If the only time I ever hear off you is when you want something then I will eventually unfriend you.
3: If you want me to help you, then that is fine, but I want to see you helping other authors, too. If I see you are someone who supports others then you can be absolutely sure that I will support you
4: If I ever do say that I am too busy to help, then it is the truth. I will always do so otherwise.
This brings me to another way to conduct yourself. Be good to fans - don't treat them like indentured servants.
I once contacted an author called Rick Mofina. I did so entirely as a fan. I enjoyed his work and wanted to tell him. So I did. I sent him a quick message saying how much I enjoyed his last book. His reply: "Thanks, check out the next one at....." That was it. He said nothing else to me. Never replied to my next message either, just rammed his next book down my throat. I never brought another one of his books ever again and I never will. I will forever now think of Rick Mofina as a douchebag and I cannot enjoy a novel knowing that the guy who wrote it is a dick. If he was kind to me then I might just be writing a chapter now about how talented a writer he is, but what goes around come around. Be nice to your fans and they will be nice to you (which will mean more sales).
It genuinely dumbfounds me that any writer can not appreciate someone taking the time to, firstly buy your book, and then secondly contact you directly to thank you (you should be thanking them. They gave you money). When a fan contacts me I am 100% overjoyed and sincere in how I reply. I reply immediately back to them and thank them. I wish them well and tell them to keep in touch (and I mean it). I try to email my fans regularly to stay in touch and to let them know I appreciate them as human beings and not commodities. In my real life, I have no friends. that sounds sad, but it is by choice. I am very family orientated and don't feel a desire to socialize - it may be weird but it's just me. I want to spend all my time with my partner, Sally. She is all the friend I need. Now if I go out, I am friendly and often make people laugh, but I take no relationships home with me. I do not form bonds. But for my fans I have genuine affection. After family, they are the closest people in the world to me and I genuinely care about each and every one of them. Without their support, reviews, and word of mouth, I would have to go back to doing a nine til five job and being miserable. My welfare literally rests on their shoulders. So how they hell could I ever be a cock to any of them? How could I ever be too busy to reply? How could I ever do what Rick 'fuckface' Mofina did to me? The answer is that I couldn't, and if you are an author, neither should you! Ever. I don't care if you are Stephen King, if you have a fan contact you, you better say thank you and mean it. Otherwise you don't deserve the easy living you have now or are hoping to have by being a writer. You have to give back in this world. You have to respect the fact that success is gained on the backs of other people and when you get up high you have to reach down and help those who helped you. If you are a fan of mine, then I genuinely love you. If you are a fan that is considering contacting me, do it! I promise you that I will be happy to hear from you and will gladly be friends.
Anyway, that is enough of my rant for now. I hope I don't seem like an arsehole, because in reality I try to be anything but. I think I get so annoyed by selfish people because I am the opposite myself. I know that by helping one another we will all be better off.
P.S. Just want to wish everyone a big MERRY CHRISTMAS (to those who celebrate it) and a great start to the new year. I will be taking a break till 2013 now, so I will not always be available to talk to or do favours. I will be clearing my schedule of all jobs except the commitments I have to SalGad Publishing Group. Christmas is very dear to me and, after years of working the unsociable hours of retail, I am now at a point where I can drop everything and enjoy being with family. Then, on February 11th I will be getting married, followed by a three week vacation at Disneyworld (my favourite place on Earth) - so it will be a fair to say that my availability will be somewhat spotty until Spring. Just know that during that time, you are all still important to me and I will be glad when I come back to see you all again (I'll be bringing a new novel with me, so don't worry). Merry Christmas everyone.Iain Rob Wright
November 23, 2012
Things That Chafe My Nut Sack #2
Let me tell you about my bank, and just how clued-in they are to their own policies...As an author, I make money in several countries. My main income (marginally more so than my UK earnings) is in US Dollars. Each month, I get a royalty check sent to me from a US bank, which I then pay into my own bank at whatever the prevailing exchange rate is on that day. I usually get the money 5 days after I pay the cheque into my UK bank. This has been the case for almost 18 months.
Until last month. Last month I paid in a cheque and received a letter telling me that the most recent cheque I paid in would take 6 weeks or more to clear into my bank account. I panicked. Why did I panic? Well, because that US cheque I get every month constitutes about 60% of my earnings. It's my wage. Imagine getting a letter from work one day telling you that 60% of your wage would be five weeks late (or longer). It would be enough to get you breaking a sweat I'm sure. The problem is that after over twelve months of my US cheques taking 5 days to clear, this one was suddenly going to take 6 weeks! I budgeted on that money based on the time frame of the previous dozen cheques. It wasn't unreasonable to expect that cheque to be paid in the same time as the others. Was it?
So I called the bank. I got through to some chick with a friendly voice that still managed to convey her complete disinterest. After explaining my problem to her, she eventually came back with the wonderfully informative reply that, "It always takes 6 weeks, sir. You were obviously just lucky with the previous cheques. Was there anything else I can help you with?"
I said, "No," and the call ended, but I sat there, a little bit shocked to be honest. Hold on a minute - I was just lucky? What, with the previous 15/16 cheques I was just lucky, but now my luck had run out and it would take 6 weeks from now on? She had told me, "It always takes 6 weeks." Was she ignoring the fact that on her system it undoubtedly showed that not to be the case - that on 15 previous occasions it had not "always taken" 6 weeks. I called them back.
Some other lady answered the phone this time and I explained that I was not happy with what I'd been told. What gives the bank the right to talk to me like a pest, an idiot that doesn't blindly accept the explanation that "It is what it is." I felt like I was just supposed to accept that the bank would do what they wanted and I should just stop being a cry baby. This woman seemed very upset that I was upset. Would I like to speak to the complaints department. Apparently I couldn't just complain to her and have her help me. "Okay," I said, "Put me through to your Complaints Department." No problem, she was happy to. So I wait on hold for twenty minutes until...she informs me that the Complaints Department is too busy to answer my call right now (that's disturbing in and of itself) and that they would call me tomorrow. Wow, okay, that isn't great but okay. "One last thing," I ask her while I have someone on the phone. "Could you perhaps shed any light on the situation at all?" Her reply: "I would have to look into it further to help you with that. Is there anything else I can help you with?" Seriously? She would have to look into it? Well, what the hell is her job? What on earth was stopping her from doing that right now? Complaints were too busy to help me, and apparently so was she. I can't be bothered to argue so I say I will wait for the call from the complaints team tomorrow, which would be Saturday.
Saturday.
Tuesday arrives and no has called me. No missed messages. Nothing. Great. Well I'm getting nowhere on the phone so I will try the venue that suits my talents - I will write to them, via email. So I go onto the bank's website and fill in one of their complaint forms and explain everything that has happened thus far. I add that I am sure there is a valid reason my cheque is suddenly going to take so long and all I really wanted was an explanation. I needed to know what their policy was so that I could budget accordingly for when I was likely to get my funds each month. I just wanted the bank to TELL ME WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH MY MONEY AND WHY. Is that unreasonable?
Tuesday night, the Complaints team finally calls me. YAY! They listen to what I say and actually seem to care. Forget the fact that this is the third person that has no idea why my cheque is going to take so long, they are at least prepared to go find me the reasons why and then call me back. Great! She promises to investigate and get back to me as soon as she has the answer. Fantastic!
She calls me back ten minutes later. Wow, that was quick. Finally I am going to get the simple answer I so desire. Guess what she says. She asks me if I made a complaint online? "Why, yes," I inform her. "No one on the phone was helping me and you never called me Saturday as I was promised." "Oh," she said. "Well now that you have logged a complaint online, I'm afraid I can't help you. They will have to deal with it." Seriously? Are you not all part of the same frikkin company? So the fact that you called me 3 days late, causing me to send an email in the meantime, has now penalised me in that you won't go near me because I have "made an Internet complaint" leprosy? Great. Fine I will wait for the email team to help me.
Three days go by. I'm broke.
I get a letter in the post. The letter is literally a transcript of my complaint, letting me know it has been acknowledged. No guidance, just a transcript. At the bottom it says that a leaflet is enclosed to help me understand what would happen next. Guess what? No leaflet is enclosed. I couldn't make this shit up! At every step this frikkin bank has been totally negligent. After speaking to three live people on the phone and recieving 1 letter, not one person has any knowledge of their own International cheque policies. Am I the first Englander to cash a US cheque - Wow I guess I'm pretty successful!
Now, in any other industry, I would go somewhere else. I would say, "Thanks but no thanks," I'm going to your competitor." But that's not an option with bloody banks. They can be this negligent because they know they can get away with it. Most of the banks are all owned by the same Umbrella company anyway, so when you leave one and go to another all you're actually doing is cashing your cheques with a different logo. All banks are just as greedy and incompetent. If some young upstart came along and set up a new way of doing things, then the banks would all go bust (but no one has set up a bank in a hundred years because they have a cartel in operation). Mobile phone companies were charging too much and forming a cartel, so along came Three and T-Mobile, and now all consumers get deals a 1000% better than they did when it was just Orange, Vodafone, and O2. The same is true of many businesses. Customers get treated badly, so somebody starts a new company that steals all the unhappy customers and forces everyone to up their game. But banks don't worry about that because they are all on the same side and making it impossible for any kind of reforms or new competition. It's borderline illegal. They are the only industry that makes the customer feel like they owe something to them, instead of valuing customers and recognizing that it is the consumer who is the one with the power. How often do banks make our lives hell, treating us like we should feel obligated to them? Imagine if your Internet provider acted like your bank. Would you stay with them?
Anyway, two weeks later the money goes into my account (so the panic caused by saying six weeks or more turned out to be about 20 days in the end! Jesus Wept. Now at this point I have already hypothesised that the reason this cheque took longer than the others is because of the amount. That the bank pay me upfront for smaller "less riskier" amounts but that for high amounts above a certain threshold they send of to clear in the USA first (the fact that such a thing still takes so long in 2012 is still absurd). My earnings have been increasing and perhaps I have met this elusive threshold.
A week after I finally get the money, I am bombarded with calls from the bank. I ignore them all because I am too busy scratching my chafed nuts. I specially specifically specified that all future contact be via email only, but apparently this bank makes sure to do the opposite of whatever the customer wants. Eventually after a week of continuous calls, they got the message and emailed me, trying to make me feel in the wrong for not picking up the phone. Almost like I didn't want their excellent help! I informed them that I asked to be emailed and now that they had done so, low and behold, I was replying. I didn't just specify to email me for a joke, I actually meant it. Crazy I know to be so literal. Anyway after telling them I was a very unhappy customer and would continue to be one, so they might as well just wrap my complaint up, because I was not buying anything they were selling, I got an email explaining that my earlier hypothesis, about there being a threshold for cheque payments that are paid in advance or not, was indeed correct. So basically I guessed the answer before half a dozen of the bank's employees could get the information for me. My brain beat their entire company just by using common sense. So in total it had taken over 1 month just to get a SIMPLE EXPLANATION. I asked for nothing more than for someone to just explain what was happening with my money (And it is my money, no matter how much the bank likes to think it is theirs). To just be transparent and say, "This is what we're doing, and this is why?" It took over one whole month just to get an answer to one simple question.
The bank in question, you might ask? Was frikkin Natwest. I wouldn't recommend them. Have a great Christmas everyone.
Love ya, Iain xxx
November 16, 2012
Things That Chafe My Nut sack...
Hi all:
I have been thinking for a while of an ongoing topic that would actually prompt me to blog regularly. I don't enjoy blogging and find it quite a chore, and I believe part of that is because I don't know what to blog about in the first place. I am not far enough along in my career to feel comfortable writing an advice blog (like J A Konrath for example) and I am loathe to use my blog only to shout about my own work and beg people to buy my books. I think if anybody is going to check my blog out regularly - and if I am going to update it regularly - then it needs to be something fun and irreverent. So what have I decided?
Well, I have decided to spend an hour every Friday (right before I do the housework) to blog about the things that really piss me off. One of the things I am really good at is having a good ol' rant. As a writer I am a miserable, anti-social sod by nature, and complaining comes very easily to me. I am a fantasist and see the world how it should be, so when it isn't...
A quick caveat to say that this is purely a stream of consciousness rant about nothing and everything in particular. If I touch upon something that offends you, just remind yourself: "To Chill the Feck Out!" My opinion is mine alone and I present myself as no sort of authority, so if you disagree with me, you may just be right and I may just be wrong, but show some candor and just be smug in private. I don't want to see nasty comments or people haranguing me on Facebook (I get enough of that off my dad!).
So, without further ado, this is what has chafed my nut sack this previous week:
SALES CALLSRing Ring....Ring Ring...Ring.... "Hello, is this Mr i-an Wright (Indian Call centres never pronounce my name correctly.)
Now the thing that annoys me about sales calls is not that a business is trying to make money - I get that - but the fact that the person on the end of the phone tries to convince me that they are doing me a favour. Treating me like an idiot really pisses me off.
Example 1: My mobile phone network called me during dinner to talk to me and I told them now wasn't a good time (thinking this would get rid of them, right?) Well the next day I had three missed calls from them. Same again the next day and the next. One thing was clear - THEY WERE COMING FOR ME! They called me twice as often as a debt collector would, all so I wouldn't miss out on this fantastic offer they had for me.
Now, when I finally answered the call. The person on the other end of the phone told me that because I have a phone and an ipad (biggest waste of money ever btw) that I qualified for a very special deal (which funnily enough was available on their website to absolutely everybody). When I told them that I had no need for a "second phone contract" (I barely use the one I have) they continued to ask if I had any family members I could buy it for. They didn't want me to miss out, you see? (On this deal that is available to anybody anytime from their website.) After allowing them to waste ten minutes of my time I decided to tell them that they were not trying to do me a favour but were in fact operating only in their own interests I made it very clear to them that if I want to buy something I will call them, not the other way around. Thankfully they listened and I haven't heard off them since. But seriously, how stupid do they think I am.
Example 2: I have a Littlewoods catalogue. It has a credit limit of £7,000 but a balance of zero. It must really drive them crazy to think I have the option of going £7,000 into debt but have not taking a single penny. To be honest, I will be cancelling the catlogue when I get around to it. They offer interest free credit, but they do so on items that are price inflated by about 20%, so you're being ripped off every time. Now I don't blame them for that business model (as misleading as it is), because their high prices are the consequence someone accepts for buying big-ticket items at low weekly premiums. When I was a student the catogue had a use for me. Now that I am approaching 30 and financially secure, it's a rip-off. At this point in my life, if I cannot afford to buy something, then I do not buy it. Simples!
Now, Littlewoods hate the fact that I don't buy anything, so they call me up. They inform me that I have a platinum reward amount of £25 that I am going to lose if I do not purchase something in the next 60 days. OH NO! She doesn't want this bad fate to befall me so she has called to save the day. Now, this woman makes it sound as though I have left £25 of my own real money at their head office and the janitor has gotten a hold of it between grubby forefingers and thumbs and is ready to rip it to shreds in sixty days exactly unless I make a purchase.
But let's look at the logic of this. Let's see if, really, this big favour she is trying to do me, is in my own interests or Littlewoods. Now, as I said, catalogues mark up their items by about 20% (on top of the usual retail markup), so if I spend £500, a hundred of it is just their over-inflated markup (on top of the usual RRP mark-up of 15% or so). So even with my £25 reward voucher, I am still paying £75 more than I would if I brought the item on Amazon for example. I would be losing out on the deal while Littlewoods would be making £75 profit, plus whatever the typical profit margin on the item would be (so perhaps a £100 in total). This is a great business model for them and I don't blame them for using it, but what irritates me is the fact that they called me up and spoke to me like I was an idiot that does not understand all of the calculations above. Why call up and pretend you are doing me a favour? It's insulting. Nothing in this world is fee, and any company that tries to convince you otherwise is a crook (like those no win no fee solicitors that offer a free ipad to "keep in touch with their clients". They don't mention that this £300 item is just a business deduction from the thousands they hope to make on your case - it's not a gift from the goodness of their heart, although they would certainly like to make you believe so.)
Which leads me to Example 3: PPI Claims. I am so sick of my phone going every day because some company wishes to inform me that I am due back thousands on a fraudulent PPI policy I was forced to take with my personal loan. This is always a surprise to me as I have not taken any loans. It seems their powers of clairvoyance have failed them. What pisses me off about these parasites is the fact when I answer the phone and ask them to remove me from their list (which I shouldn't bloody be on anyway) they are consistently rude to me. One person said, "No!" and put down the phone on me. Most of them say they will take me off their lists and then call me the following week again anyway. They are just absolute pests, and the reason for it is, I am afraid to say, an American influence. These NO WIN NO FEE Solicitors advertising on television and harassing us in the town centres are actively trying to PERSUADE us to sue each other. Now, if I have an accident that I genuinely feel is due to someone else's negligence then I will bloody well call a lawyer. But they don't need to call me just in case I may have had an accident! By offering NO WIN NO FEE they are essentially allowing people to "give it a go". These horrible, world-owes-me-a-living, claimants are suing people just because they have nothing to lose. If they win they get a bunch of money. If they lose then no harm is done. This is not the way the court systems should work. Frivolous lawsuits should not be allowed, but right now they are endemic, and this is due to these parasite solicitors on TV whispering in my ear that I can get a load of money for that one time an apple fell on my foot at the supermarket. The should not be allowed to advertise. If someone needs a lawyer they will call one. Anything else is a criminal attempt at convincing greedy people to sue innocent parties.
NEXT WEEK: I'm gonna go after the banks! I. REALLY. HATE. BANKS.
I have been thinking for a while of an ongoing topic that would actually prompt me to blog regularly. I don't enjoy blogging and find it quite a chore, and I believe part of that is because I don't know what to blog about in the first place. I am not far enough along in my career to feel comfortable writing an advice blog (like J A Konrath for example) and I am loathe to use my blog only to shout about my own work and beg people to buy my books. I think if anybody is going to check my blog out regularly - and if I am going to update it regularly - then it needs to be something fun and irreverent. So what have I decided?
Well, I have decided to spend an hour every Friday (right before I do the housework) to blog about the things that really piss me off. One of the things I am really good at is having a good ol' rant. As a writer I am a miserable, anti-social sod by nature, and complaining comes very easily to me. I am a fantasist and see the world how it should be, so when it isn't...
A quick caveat to say that this is purely a stream of consciousness rant about nothing and everything in particular. If I touch upon something that offends you, just remind yourself: "To Chill the Feck Out!" My opinion is mine alone and I present myself as no sort of authority, so if you disagree with me, you may just be right and I may just be wrong, but show some candor and just be smug in private. I don't want to see nasty comments or people haranguing me on Facebook (I get enough of that off my dad!).
So, without further ado, this is what has chafed my nut sack this previous week:
SALES CALLSRing Ring....Ring Ring...Ring.... "Hello, is this Mr i-an Wright (Indian Call centres never pronounce my name correctly.)
Now the thing that annoys me about sales calls is not that a business is trying to make money - I get that - but the fact that the person on the end of the phone tries to convince me that they are doing me a favour. Treating me like an idiot really pisses me off.
Example 1: My mobile phone network called me during dinner to talk to me and I told them now wasn't a good time (thinking this would get rid of them, right?) Well the next day I had three missed calls from them. Same again the next day and the next. One thing was clear - THEY WERE COMING FOR ME! They called me twice as often as a debt collector would, all so I wouldn't miss out on this fantastic offer they had for me.
Now, when I finally answered the call. The person on the other end of the phone told me that because I have a phone and an ipad (biggest waste of money ever btw) that I qualified for a very special deal (which funnily enough was available on their website to absolutely everybody). When I told them that I had no need for a "second phone contract" (I barely use the one I have) they continued to ask if I had any family members I could buy it for. They didn't want me to miss out, you see? (On this deal that is available to anybody anytime from their website.) After allowing them to waste ten minutes of my time I decided to tell them that they were not trying to do me a favour but were in fact operating only in their own interests I made it very clear to them that if I want to buy something I will call them, not the other way around. Thankfully they listened and I haven't heard off them since. But seriously, how stupid do they think I am.
Example 2: I have a Littlewoods catalogue. It has a credit limit of £7,000 but a balance of zero. It must really drive them crazy to think I have the option of going £7,000 into debt but have not taking a single penny. To be honest, I will be cancelling the catlogue when I get around to it. They offer interest free credit, but they do so on items that are price inflated by about 20%, so you're being ripped off every time. Now I don't blame them for that business model (as misleading as it is), because their high prices are the consequence someone accepts for buying big-ticket items at low weekly premiums. When I was a student the catogue had a use for me. Now that I am approaching 30 and financially secure, it's a rip-off. At this point in my life, if I cannot afford to buy something, then I do not buy it. Simples!
Now, Littlewoods hate the fact that I don't buy anything, so they call me up. They inform me that I have a platinum reward amount of £25 that I am going to lose if I do not purchase something in the next 60 days. OH NO! She doesn't want this bad fate to befall me so she has called to save the day. Now, this woman makes it sound as though I have left £25 of my own real money at their head office and the janitor has gotten a hold of it between grubby forefingers and thumbs and is ready to rip it to shreds in sixty days exactly unless I make a purchase.
But let's look at the logic of this. Let's see if, really, this big favour she is trying to do me, is in my own interests or Littlewoods. Now, as I said, catalogues mark up their items by about 20% (on top of the usual retail markup), so if I spend £500, a hundred of it is just their over-inflated markup (on top of the usual RRP mark-up of 15% or so). So even with my £25 reward voucher, I am still paying £75 more than I would if I brought the item on Amazon for example. I would be losing out on the deal while Littlewoods would be making £75 profit, plus whatever the typical profit margin on the item would be (so perhaps a £100 in total). This is a great business model for them and I don't blame them for using it, but what irritates me is the fact that they called me up and spoke to me like I was an idiot that does not understand all of the calculations above. Why call up and pretend you are doing me a favour? It's insulting. Nothing in this world is fee, and any company that tries to convince you otherwise is a crook (like those no win no fee solicitors that offer a free ipad to "keep in touch with their clients". They don't mention that this £300 item is just a business deduction from the thousands they hope to make on your case - it's not a gift from the goodness of their heart, although they would certainly like to make you believe so.)
Which leads me to Example 3: PPI Claims. I am so sick of my phone going every day because some company wishes to inform me that I am due back thousands on a fraudulent PPI policy I was forced to take with my personal loan. This is always a surprise to me as I have not taken any loans. It seems their powers of clairvoyance have failed them. What pisses me off about these parasites is the fact when I answer the phone and ask them to remove me from their list (which I shouldn't bloody be on anyway) they are consistently rude to me. One person said, "No!" and put down the phone on me. Most of them say they will take me off their lists and then call me the following week again anyway. They are just absolute pests, and the reason for it is, I am afraid to say, an American influence. These NO WIN NO FEE Solicitors advertising on television and harassing us in the town centres are actively trying to PERSUADE us to sue each other. Now, if I have an accident that I genuinely feel is due to someone else's negligence then I will bloody well call a lawyer. But they don't need to call me just in case I may have had an accident! By offering NO WIN NO FEE they are essentially allowing people to "give it a go". These horrible, world-owes-me-a-living, claimants are suing people just because they have nothing to lose. If they win they get a bunch of money. If they lose then no harm is done. This is not the way the court systems should work. Frivolous lawsuits should not be allowed, but right now they are endemic, and this is due to these parasite solicitors on TV whispering in my ear that I can get a load of money for that one time an apple fell on my foot at the supermarket. The should not be allowed to advertise. If someone needs a lawyer they will call one. Anything else is a criminal attempt at convincing greedy people to sue innocent parties.
NEXT WEEK: I'm gonna go after the banks! I. REALLY. HATE. BANKS.
