Loren Cribbs's Blog, page 2
February 13, 2025
Here’s Why You Haven’t Healed from Divorce Yet
The emotional and spiritual toll of divorce feels even more excruciating during February. When others are celebrating love with their valentine, you may be feeling the weight of divorce, separation, or struggling in a failing marriage. The bursts of hearts and flowers may remind you of what you've lost or compare your situation to others.
Healing is possible from divorce, but you may stay stuck in pain and fear. While everyone heals at different paces and you should never rush your grief or healing journey, there are a few key reasons that hold people back from moving on.
The key reasons include: excessive fear, limited faith, and clinging to convenient love instead of agape love. This blog post will go into detail of how to recognize where you are in order to heal from divorce.
Fear keeps you immobilized, making healing feel impossible. Common fears post-divorce can include feelings of failure, loneliness, financial instability, or judgment from others. Fear of the future prevents you from trusting God’s plan.
Failure has always been one of my biggest fears. The enemy knew this, and failing at my marriage and career at the same time kept me bound and in the dark. To combat my fears of failure, I strived to create a life that was extraordinary. I thought that if I were busy enough, surrounded myself with certain people, achieved at work, and wore certain clothes, I would have the perfect appearance. I was so terrified of being subpar—or looking as though I were subpar—that I put on masks to hide anything I felt wasn’t living up to my ideals.
When you’ve been wounded in a relationship, you start to see your spouse and everything differently. You live in fear that betrayals will happen again and again, that your spouse will never live up to your expectations, that there is no reason to have faith because it’s too late and you are stuck forever. When you feel this way without letting faith in, the fear will only get stronger. My fear of failure kept me from telling anyone, so I buried it.
The Apostle John explains, “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love” (1 John 4:18 NLT). Once we have experienced God’s unconditional love and know he is at the foundation of all things in our life, but especially our marriages, we can experience trials with more certainty and joy.
Biblical truth: Faith allows you to move forward, believing that God’s goodness is still ahead.
We can only live well if we love well. When our relationships are taught, other parts of our lives also look dim. When my marriage and career were falling apart at the same time, my demeanor toward everything changed. The Apostle Paul warns us that we can have everything, but if we don’t love others, it’s like we are a “noisy gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Cor. 13:1 NASB).
Paul announces, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control] (2 Tim. 1:7 AMP). In the absence of fear, the Holy Spirit gives us self-control. Had I really been walking with God during the hard trials of marriage, I may have had the self-control to not become so resentful and used sound judgment to communicate instead of shutting down. Christ’s power and love can heal and restore you before you get to those points. But even in the middle of my mess, God was never far. I moved, but he did not.
When you move and start to get shifty, the enemy takes advantage. He knew I was vulnerable and my eyes weren’t up on God, so he planted little seeds of fear in me. Little things that, over time, really bothered me. He made me think that my entire life was a joke and that my marriage was a joke. I could feel my bubble bursting and the life I thought I deserved crumbling.
Instead of clinging to the fear of not living up to what I thought my life was supposed to be, I clung to God and his faithfulness. Faith holds you and rescues you. When you learn that life doesn’t have to be perfect—and if something seems perfect, it’s probably not—that is when you can finally release and surrender so you can really be healed and overcome.
The fear that comes with divorce can overwhelm you—the fear that you won’t be able to make it on your own. Maybe you don’t know how this will impact you financially. If you have kids, you may have a fear of how to coparent with the one who broke your heart while still making sure your kids have two parents in their life. You may have a fear of what others are going to think about you now that you wear the label “divorce,” making you feel like Hester Prynne with the scarlet letter. So many thoughts of fear during divorce can paralyze you.
Faith is calming, even when you are not. Faith gives you a feeling of ease despite your circumstances. You don’t have to come up with a plan or mastermind some way out of what you are feeling.
When the Bible asks what man can do to you, the answer is “plenty.” People can do plenty to make us question God and make us want to give up faith and let fear take over.
God may not have designed us for divorce, but he will provide for you during that time. Don’t believe the lie that fear should win and let it make you give up on faith. Don’t believe the lie of fear that you have made too many mistakes to be used by God for his glory. Have faith that in this moment, God can come in and show you clarity for how to steward relationships that he brings to you in the future. Have faith that you can still have a pure heart, and he can make you white as snow.
Maybe you've experienced convenient love, but you are unsure of what agape love. It's not always talked about even in church. Convenient love is temporary, conditional, and self-serving. Agape love is steadfast, selfless, and mirrors Christ’s love for us.
Convenient love does the bare minimum to get by. When things are humming along the course, you kind of coast through your love. It’s pretty good, and you don’t have to try too hard. Love is there when you wake up and there when you go to bed. But what happens when you don’t feel particularly loving one morning, or you had a bad day at work, and listening to your spouse is the last thing you want to do?
Those inconvenient times are going to require something called agape love. Think of agape love like loving your partner, even though they snore—loving them and being grateful for them when you roll over in the middle of the night, even when it sounds like a freight train is running through your bedroom and there is no caboose in sight. Just when you think it couldn’t get any louder, the whistle blows, and you hear the loudest snore of your life, making you wonder if your spouse is okay.
David shouts, “How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings” (Ps. 36:7 NLT). Where we miss the mark in our relationships is that we will ultimately fail our spouse and they will fail us. Our love is not unfailing like Christ’s. We often overlook the love of God and don’t incorporate it into our own relationships. When you really understand God’s agape love for you, you may be able to love others in a similar way.
Agape love chooses what is best for the other person, even if it hurts you or isn’t part of your feelings. Agape love is the love that helps your spouse make dinner when you come home from a bad day. Agape love is the type of love that buys a cute gift you know your spouse will appreciate, even though you two aren’t in a good place right now. Agape love forgives when you would rather not. Agape love puts the other person first, no matter what they can do for you. Agape love, even after a divorce, chooses to have an open heart.
God’s wake-up call is a promise to never leave you, to love you, no matter what you go through. He doesn’t break his promises, so if you’ve experienced heartbreak and broken promises from the world and relationships, know that God’s agape love is different. Agape love is the type of love that still checks in on the other person, even after you’ve had a fight. You check in not because you want something in return, or because you want to fight, or even because you really feel like it; you check in because you want to understand how those feelings came to be and to show that even when turbulence comes, you are going to remain steadfast. God gives a steadfast love, so when the waves come to take out a boat or the wind rattles the plane, agape love stays the course.
Learning how to love from the world means you can pick up all kinds of bad behaviors. You withhold love, affection, money, or kindness when you don’t get your way. You lie (sometimes to help but sometimes to hide). You normalize behaviors that aren’t actually normal, keeping convenient love going and dismissing agape love. Learning how to deal with hard times with the one you love can only really be examined by learning how God loves you. When you are wayward, what does God do?
The Apostle Paul teaches us God’s idea for love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:4–8 NIV)
Where worldly love loses patience as soon as your spouse takes too long to get ready or takes too long to take out the trash, agape love waits patiently or asks how you can help be of service to lighten the load. Where worldly love wants what others have and overcompensates or brags about what you do have, agape love is content with the one you have, no matter if you’re on the peak of the mountain or in a dusty duplex. Worldly love keeps score, so if you did something nice for your spouse, you expect something in return, or if you feel owed, you don’t do something for your spouse as a tit for tat.
Agape love gives unconditionally, without any strings attached or expectations in return. There is no debt in agape love. You don’t owe anything. Worldly love lies and hides the truth. Agape love tells the truth with kindness for the betterment of the other person and maybe even you. Worldly love is skeptical of others’ intentions, where agape love believes in goodness and hopes for the future. Worldly love fails. You will always fail and come up short, even with your best efforts. But know that Jesus died for you and demonstrated how to love; agape love gets you through the failures in order to persevere and hope.
Even though agape love seems impossible to us, when we follow God completely and learn from him, it becomes more possible. Everyone wants to talk about love, but so few of us practice it, let alone practice agape love. But to live in God’s reality and not a fake fantasy is to tell the truth in love and to yield to who God says you are and not how you feel. When you go off your feelings or the world, you may grab convenient love. Convenient love will only lead to worried hearts. Why not trust the One who created you to heal your heart and pour into your heart, so you can give out love from your whole heart and live in full contentment?
Human love fails, but God’s love never does. Clinging to resentment, regret, or shame blocks healing. Opening your heart to God’s love leads to true restoration.
When you cling to negative emotions such as resentment, regret, or shame, you create barriers that inhibit emotional and spiritual healing. These feelings can become heavy burdens that weigh down the spirit, preventing you from moving forward and embracing the fullness of life. Resentment can foster anger and bitterness, regret can lead to a fixation on past mistakes, and shame can instill a sense of unworthiness. Together, these emotions can create a cycle of pain that is difficult to escape, hindering personal growth and the ability to form meaningful connections with others.
When you open your heart to the transformative power of God's love, a path to true restoration begins to unfold. This divine love encourages you to let go of the past and embrace forgiveness, both for yourself and for others. It invites healing by providing a safe space where you can be vulnerable and authentic, free from judgment. In this openness, you experience a profound sense of acceptance and belonging, which fosters resilience and hope. God's love has the power to illuminate the darkest corners of the heart, replacing despair with joy, and instilling a sense of purpose and direction.
Through this process of surrendering to God's love, you embark on a journey of healing that not only restores your own spirit but also enables you to extend that same love to others. This cycle of love and forgiveness creates a ripple effect, allowing for the cultivation of healthier relationships and a more compassionate community. It is in this divine embrace that you find the strength to rise above your struggles, transforming pain into a source of strength and wisdom. Ultimately, embracing God's love leads to a profound sense of peace and fulfillment that far exceeds the limitations of human affection, guiding you toward a brighter, more hopeful future.
Divorce is not your identity; it’s an experience, not a label. God can use this pain to shape your future and deepen your faith. Faith in His plan means knowing you will rise again.
As you journey through this process, allow yourself the grace to grieve and heal. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and community who can uplift you and remind you of your inherent value. Engage in practices that nurture your spirit, such as prayer, meditation, or seeking counsel from trusted mentors. Each step you take in this healing journey is a testament to your resilience and your commitment to embracing the life that lies ahead.
"Faith when it comes to divorce is believing and knowing firmly that no matter the outcome, you will rise again." -Wings to Rise above Divorce
Healing is a process, but God’s love is constant.
If you are looking for more divorce healing resources, understanding agape love in greater detail, or just finding February extra difficult, I'm offering a free chapter from my book Wings to Rise above Divorce. The chapter is about ditching convenient love and embracing agape love. Download today!
February 10, 2025
Making Super Bowl Ads Great Again
I haven't been impressed by the Super Bowl ads for a few years. Every year, I hope that there will be one or two that stand out and I'll write about them, but the big game rolls around and I'm left thinking these are ridiculous and not worth mentioning. This year was different--I found several ads that I thought were fantastic, spanning various categories of success. Below are the top Super Bowl ads along with my reasons for choosing them.
This was probably my favorite ad of the entire night. Maybe it's the nostalgia of Appalachia and my frequent trips to neighboring state West Virginia, but "Country Roads" just makes you feel like you're home--no matter where you live. The commercial hit relevance with the audience because home prices do feel out of reach for many people--and the ad captured all of the different types of people looking for home. The scenarios made it feel like everyone should own the dream. To top it off, the advertiser blared "Country Roads" throughout the stadium and panned with different people, cheering for different teams, coming together to sing and bond. Truly the best.
“From the start, this was more than a commercial. We set out to create a moment that captures the raw, emotional journey of chasing a dream that once felt out of reach. For many Americans, that is homeownership – the foundation for financial security, prosperity and a better future. Tonight, we reminded America that home is something to believe in, fight for and make a reality for everyone.” --Jonathan Mildenhall, Chief Marketing Officer of Rocket
This ad is a little more personal for me since I have a friend whose family grows potatoes. I loved seeing the appreciation for farmers and telling the story of how we get our food. Farming includes generations of love and hard work, a concept that I think many want to believe in again with the American Dream. If you take a look at Lays Instagram account, they go one step further to show you the names and faces of the farmers--many who have been partners and providing us potatoes for decades!
I'm not sure that this technically counts as an ad, but it was the opening concept that set the tone for the Super Bowl. It paid respect and showed honor to the first responders that keep us safe--now and throughout American history. It captured the hearts from recent tragedies in New Orleans to the hurricanes in North Carolina to the fires in California to the plane crashes in Philadelphia and DC. It drew the concept of huddles in sports to how we huddle up in life and displayed true patriotism.
The above ads all focused on the American spirit--giving hope to souls desperate for care and the feeling of security. The next group of ads captured more nostalgia and had very creative marketing campaigns that were multi-channel and beyond just the Super Bowl. These commercials brought back clever campaigns to Super Bowl ads earning them top brand awareness points.
One of the best romantic comedies of all time is When Harry Met Sally. The banter, the years of back and forth, the wrong place wrong time, the ups and downs, the humor, the realness--the classic "I'll have what she's having" line. Not sure what took us so long to get this remake or why a salad dressing brand didn't jump at it, but as a mayo lover, I was here for it and this was one of the commercials I was waiting for. Not only was it clever, but it got other brands talking. Hellmans biggest competitor in Duke's even had the Duke's Mayo Bowl tweeting that "with Duke's you don't have to fake it..." When you get your competitors talking, you know you've done well.
This was my first favorite commercial of the night. It's so relatable to many people and brings back the nostalgia of Office Space. This was more than a one-off campaign. The play on words of "case" for beer but also for Monday, "light" not just for the beer but also for taking it easy. While you may have a case of the Mondays after the big game, I think this parallels the popular "sunday scaries" where any Monday can be rough. The brand went one step further in leading up to the Super Bowl to showcase common feelings about Monday: a typo in advertisement or an actor not wanting to work full-out and getting replaced by sloths. These adorable animals that go slow like you may on a Monday.
The commercial included a link to a landing page where you could win a case of Monday Light and shop merchandise. I think this is way more relatable than "choose chill" and love the whole campaign. Peloton even chimed in since a sloth was struggling to workout on Monday. Pure genius.
So we've had empathy, hope, nostalgia, and fun. All quality traits of a great commercial. With the rise of AI and tech, while I didn't think these ads stood out as much, I do believe they talked to an audience--to solve problems in relatable ways.
T-Mobile and Starlink joining forces to provide connection to people. We already saw this when disasters like hurricanes hit areas. But the commercial is relatable for anyone who feels like they aren't able to communicate when they want to most.
Google Gemini making it easy to balance work/life. While preparing for an interview, but answering questions that could be for work or for parenting, shows the ways AI can help you balance your time for what matters most.
Nerd Wallet shows off it's new Genius Beluga that helps you find the right credit card. Again, it shows how tech can help make your life easier, limit your time on research, and present you with options that are right for you.
Go Daddy's "act like you know" ad empowers people to put their business front and center even if they aren't sure. As a small business owner, I appreciated how it relates to not knowing what you are doing some days. There's so much to consider when building a brand, and AI and tech can help those who feel overwhelmed.
Finally, I have to give a special shout out to the most practical ad of the night -- Angel Soft's Potty-tunity. As a marketer and someone who actually watches football during the regular season, finding time for a bathroom break is hard while I'm looking out for ads--especially this year with so many great ones, their timing was perfect.
February 3, 2025
Valentine's Day Gift Guide if you're Divorced
When you begin dating someone or get married, you might recall the extravagant gestures associated with Valentine's Day—flowers, candy, romantic getaways, jewelry. From sentimental cards to excessive public displays of affection at restaurants to lavish gifts, if you're single or particularly divorced, you might feel like avoiding the day altogether. Experiencing a divorce on Valentine's Day is somewhat different from simply being single and wishing for a relationship. As a divorced individual, you probably have specific memories of your spouse and this special day.
After a recent divorce, there are various ways to approach Valentine's Day. You might choose to avoid and ridicule the holiday, treat it as an ordinary day, be glad about the money you'll save this year, or indulge in some self-love and care.
Here is a selection of products that serve as excellent Valentine's Day gifts for those who are divorced. These items also make thoughtful gifts at any time of the year during a divorce. Note: I may earn commissions from qualifying purchases made via links in this post.
If you want to feel and look healthier while going through a divorce, these gifts will help you achieve those goals.
Juicer: This one lets you add whole fruits and veggies and use the cold press function to keep extra nutrients.
Men's tennis shoes: These shoes have superior shock absorption, offering a bouncy feel that reduces strain on your knees, and slip-resistant rubber outsole that withstands wear and tear.
Women's tennis shoes: The same as above but for women. They have enhanced cushioning, excellent grip and durability, and breathable comfort. Plus, the girly colors!
Yoga Leggings: For relieving stress with yoga or high intensity workouts for getting into shape.
This year, there's no need to dress up and mingle in the crowded public. These gifts let you enjoy a relaxing night at home.
Fuzzy Socks: Get cozy and comfy.
Plush Robe: Treat yourself to a self-care day.
Weighted Blanket: Relax and refresh.
Satin Pillowcase : Because it's time to change the sheets.
Cozy Slippers: Stay warm with these fuzzy slippers and memory foam.
Men's Hoodie: There's no need to dress up.
During a divorce, it might feel like everything is going wrong and much is beyond your control. Regain some control by organizing your life with these gifts.
Carhartt Organizer: If you need to pack up your stuff or want to get away.
3-Tier Corner Bathroom Counter Organizer: Keep all your makeup, lotions, and toiletries in order.
Hardware Organizer: Keep hardware for crafts, small parts, nuts, bolts, screws, tools, or hobbies organized.
Just because you don't have to get all dressed up, doesn't mean you can't still take care of your body. These products will keep your skin and body feeling fantastic.
Coach Poppy Perfume: Smell sweet even if you don't feel it right now.
The Ordinary Depuffing Eye Serum: Tired and puffy eyes from crying? Look like you've slept well even if you haven't.
ELEMIS Superfood Moisturizer: Keep your skin glowing and soft.
Sometimes you just need to experience all of the emotions--especially during a divorce. These gifts allow you to grow through the process and embrace the future.
Bose Bluetooth Speaker: Blast your favorite songs to dance it out or put on that heartbreak playlist.
New Beginnings Candle: This candle featuring the saying “A candle for new beginnings, smells like fresh starts and fun outlooks” is a great present for anyone who is starting a new chapter in their life.
Divorce Devotional: My book that offers hope after divorce.
January 31, 2025
What type of foundation is your relationship on?
January is often dubbed "Divorce month" by many in the legal sector who see a rise in divorce cases and people seeking divorce attorneys. Following the marital stress of the holidays at the end of the year and entering a new year often puts questions into perspective and is a final straw for many couples.
Right after this turbulent month for marriage and relationships, you see the stark difference to the month of love in February where couples celebrate all things hearts, candy, and bliss. If you're single, particularly newly divorced or struggling in marriage, the first two months can be a difficult time of year.
There are three main areas when it comes to relationship foundations and how you move from where you are.
You may find yourself standing on some loose rocks that are close to collapsing if:
the day-to-day is starting to have more bumps in the road than happy times.
you nitpick over things more--discovering that quirks you once found endearing are now getting on your nerves.
revisiting the same argument.
While there may be many loose rocks you seem to be tripping over in your relationship, there is likely one very large rock that is out of place, causing everything to crumble above it and exposing the weak foundation for what it is. The best thing you can do in this situation is to dig to the root of the problem. Even if you take one of the small rocks or arguments you have and push it to the side, it won’t disappear—the large rock and unstable foundation will still be there.
You need to address the large issue that is causing everything else to shake. This could be mistrust in the relationship because of infidelity, secrecy of finances or disregard of budgets, or feelings of neglect, emotionally, physically, or both. Once you open up to your spouse and have a real conversation about the largest issues, you may find that the small rocks are not so heavy or in the way anymore because you are back on even ground and can manage the day-to-day parts of your lives. This process of digging deep and addressing the big issues will not be easy, as you still have to navigate the small issues and will want to address them; instead, you will have to focus and stay at the bottom until you flatten the bumps and obstacles in your way.
You may be stuck underneath the rubble and trying to claw out if you:
feel there is no turning point in your relationship.
are avoiding your spouse.
are living separately (either in different homes or bedrooms).
have started the divorce process.
This separation phase is a pivotal point for many relationships. During this phase, many couples decide to stay camped out in separation without addressing issues or working to improve their relationship. You may find yourself here if it feels as though you don’t love your spouse anymore, feel too much betrayal and cannot imagine staying, or have kids and do not want to put them through a divorce, or if there is an uneven financial balance and one or both of you either cannot financially live alone or do not want to pay expenses of living separate lives.
This is the point where you really need to consider how to move forward and try your best to get on the same page. This can seem impossible since one of you may be hard set on divorce, and one may be determined to stay together. This is the time to lean into God for support. God can heal and redeem your relationship. This is the time where you should pray for your spouse, your children, and your marriage. This is not the time to try and change your spouse, force or rush a decision, or avoid any decision whatsoever. This will result in increased fighting or distance, an unwanted divorce, or staying stuck in an unhealthy marriage, respectively.
You may be starting over and building a firm foundation. This is the point where you have made a decision. You either have decided to stay together and fight together for your marriage instead of fighting against each other, or you have decided to divorce. If you are staying together, you have addressed the large issues and are ready to build a firm foundation together this time around. You will agree to handle conflict as it comes up so that you don’t get buried again by the rubble and rocks of life. If you’ve decided to divorce, you will vow to build a new foundation that includes healing from your divorce.
When you face rocky situations, who or what supports you?
Where are you right now in your relationship? Stuck underneath the rubble, digging out? On some loose rocks that are close to collapsing? Starting over and ready to build a firm foundation?
If you are looking for more ways to move forward, you can buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce.
January 28, 2025
The Dangers of Tying Your Self-Worth to External Factors: Jobs, Money, and Relationships
It's human tendency to place worth on temporary things like love, career, money, or status. Even though common, this misplaced worth can lead to insecurity, burnout, and heartbreak. Things like relationships, money, other worldly possessions are not bad--in fact, God wants us to have an abundant life. The dangers come when we tie our worth and strive for these things. True worth is found in a secure, unshakable foundation rooted in God’s Word.
What is breakable worth? It's any thing or situation that is temporary such as a job, relationship, money, power, or status. While we may work hard to get and sustain these things, the reality is that we may lose them. Either of our own doing in choices that we make or due to external circumstances. You can do a good job at work, but be laid off. You can love your spouse, but they fall in love with someone else and leave you. You can make excess money, but invest it improperly.
We tend to put on this act of perfection in order to gain some type of applause or acceptance. When you find your worth and value in anything other than God, it opens you up to putting on a show that is fake because you think people are more interested in that than in your real life and self. The good news and truth are that you don’t need to be perfect for God—you don’t have to earn his love. We may not be called to be perfect, but God is perfect, and his love is perfect.
"The ultimate sign of foolishness is when you see the pride of life take over—thinking your life matters because you are what you have and are worth what you do."
The temporary and fleeting nature of these things makes the loss even more detrimental. When you let others, material objects, or position define you and your worth, if you lose them, your sense of self-worth may be damaged even further and leave you feeling hollow.
You become a shell of a person when you lose things like a job or marriage. In my case, I lost both at the same time. I know how it feels to be so overachieving, thinking that you are the smartest and wisest, only to look around and discover you aren’t. Even if you are for a moment, it can be fleeting and isn’t secure.
"This foolishness can eat away at you if you let it, slowly gnawing away, bit by bit, until you have nothing left on the inside."
If we look at the biblical perspective on worth we will see that the Bible shows us that God’s love is not earned and does not waver with circumstances. When we replace temporary or breakable worth with the eternal worth found in Christ we anchor our identity in God's perfect love and truth. Living for God’s applause, not human approval means that even when things are lost like marriages, jobs, or money, we still have trust in the One above. Remove just one letter -- "eXternal" for "eTernal" and you'll see the shift in your foundation when the focus changes.
"The good news and truth are that you don’t need to be perfect for God—you don’t have to earn his love."
Reflect on Your Current Foundation
Where are you placing your identity and self-worth right now?
Are you in a prosperous season or a dry season?
Rebuild Your Identity in God
Develop daily habits to stay rooted in God’s Word (e.g., prayer, Scripture meditation).
Remind yourself of God’s promises about your worth.
Recognize Your Worth Beyond Accomplishments
Celebrate progress over perfection.
Find joy in God’s grace rather than societal measures of success.
Practice Humility and Vulnerability
Be real about struggles instead of putting on a "perfect" act.
Open up to trusted friends, mentors, or a faith community.
Your confidence in your worth will remain stable despite external losses. As you remind yourself of God's promises to you, you will trust that this loss or experience doesn't define your worth or identity. You'll be able to live in freedom and embrace authenticity without the need to perform. Often times, we grow deeper in our faith and build resilience in challenging times of loss. Trust that even in loss, God’s love and purpose for you remain constant.
It's vital to remember that loss, while painful, can also be a catalyst for transformation. It can lead to new beginnings, opportunities for personal growth, and a greater appreciation for the blessings in your life. As you navigate through these experiences, you may find that your perspective shifts, allowing you to see the beauty in the journey and the lessons that come from it.
Real worth isn’t found in what you do or what you have, but in who God says you are. God’s love is unbreakable, and so is the worth you find in Him. Shift the external to the eternal.
If you are struggling with self-worth after divorce, my book Wings to Rise above Divorce goes into more detail on how to build your worth on God's love for you.
January 22, 2025
Finding Solid Foundations Amid Life's Loose Rocks: A Personal Journey of Faith, Healing, and Flourishing
Imagine hiking on a rugged mountain trail. The air is crisp, and the views are breathtaking. Yet, as you navigate loose rocks underfoot, each step feels uncertain. You’re caught between appreciating the stunning vistas and the pressing need to maintain balance.
This scenario mirrors many life experiences—relationships, faith, and the unpredictable paths we walk. The rocky terrain symbolizes our challenges, while the view represents our dreams and the joy that lies ahead.
Throughout my own journey, I have realized that our past experiences shape our present desires and future goals. Here’s how my path has developed, along with a practical framework for establishing a strong foundation while pursuing a better vision.
I love to hike in the fall, with the images of leaves changing colors as I make my way through a trail, the temperature usually a little breezy and slightly warm. Hiking trails often have a mix of dirt, tree branches, leaves, and rocks to add to the navigation. I remember hiking in the Smoky Mountains one year—the views of the mountaintops rolling among the changing leaves left me mesmerized. The views were so tempting, I had to pay special attention to where I was stepping—a difficult task when I wanted to look up at all the spectacular views. While I was looking up, there were a few loose rocks below my feet that gave way. Even though I had on the proper hiking boots and chose a trail to my skill level, I lost my balance and stumbled a little. My reflexes quickly kicked in, and I grabbed onto the nearest tree—fortunately this tree had sturdy roots, and I was able to recalibrate my balance. But next to the strong tree was a flimsy tree that couldn’t have helped me if I reached out for it—I would have easily fallen and either uprooted the tree or broken off its branches.
When you find yourself in a shaky part of life and you go to grab the nearest support, what will you find? If you’ve placed your hope and built your life on Christ, the Holy Spirit will help support you in any difficulty. If you have built your life on the false hope of the world, or butterflies, or passion, you may find that those things won’t be able to offer the lasting support needed during trials.
Through my divorce and life, I've learned how God’s faithfulness and a firm foundation overcomes "loose rock" moments in life. He's like the sturdy tree you grab for support. He's proven that that you can stand firm on a solid foundation in Him, ready to face the next challenge or mountain.
In life, we encounter loose rocks—distractions and doubts that can lead us astray. They often look like this:
The temptation of quick fixes that provide empty promises.
Overcommitting to activities that distract us from important goals.
Persistent doubts that undermine our sense of worth and purpose.
Rushing ahead when you get frazzled or frustrated.
Losing focus on what matters most.
In contrast, firm foundations are built on deep-rooted faith, intentional habits, and a commitment to Christ. I’ve realized the importance of practical steps such as daily prayer, immersing myself in Scripture, and building a supportive community that inspires growth.
Just like hiking, finding solid footing in life empowers us to navigate challenges confidently and makes the path to the view possible.
How can you build your life on a firm foundation instead of loose rocks? Let's compare it with how you would prepare for a hike.
When you go for a hike, you want to know where you are going. How long is the route, are their bathrooms, access to water, what is the terrain, where are the picture perfect stops?
In life, you also want to know where you're going. Having an effective goal must be clear. Without articulating where you want to go, you risk drifting aimlessly like a hiker without a map. In faith, the Holy Spirit is your guide. He knows the best routes and is the ultimate planner of getting you safely to your destination.
Once you know where you're going on a hike, it will impact how you pack. Do you need to dress in layers, bring a backpack, have a water bottle (or two)? Different trails may have different needs. Maybe it's a quick loop. Maybe it's several hours with the option of making a wrong turn. Pack appropriately.
In life, you want to make sure you have the essentials. In the Bible, that's the Armor of God that we discover in Ephesians and consists of the:
Belt of Truth
Breastplate of Righteousness
Shoes of the Gospel of Peace
Shield of Faith
Helmet of Salvation
Sword of the Spirit
When you hike, you want to take in the spots along the way. Maybe it's a scenic view, or an animal or plant, or maybe you need to stop in order to rest, catch your breath, or drink some water.
In life, you want to do the same: to reflect on progress and small victories, and celebrate every step along the way. There will be times when you stop because you are celebrating, but there are also times where you will need to stop to rest your soul and nourish it with the Word of God.
Growth happens collectively; it requires vulnerability and faith.
Looking back on my journey, I see a rich tapestry of triumphs and challenges shaped by God’s hand. Just as loose rocks create obstacles along a trail, life will always present uncertainties. However, by establishing a steadfast foundation in faith, defining clear goals, and seeking meaningful growth, you can navigate these challenges with grace.
Let us hold fast to hope and strive for the views that await. The mountains may be steep, but we can conquer them, step by step, supporting one another along the way.
In our journey of faith, we can flourish—hearts healed, dreams realized, and hope strengthened. Solid ground exists among life’s loose rocks, and you can reach it by trusting God through the loose rock moments and seeking the firm foundation only He provides.
If you're looking for solid ground to stand on during turbulent times of separation, divorce, or relationship struggles, my book Wings to Rise above Divorce will help you navigate the journey with God.
January 16, 2025
How can Focus Optimization Help Streamline Workflows and Improve Productivity?
As a marketing consultant for tech startups who are looking for copywriting to scale and a best-selling author of a Christian devotional geared towards those who are divorced, I have very different audiences and have added more distinct paths that I'm on. I've always been able to keep track of tasks easily, but with more robust and vast needs, I needed to focus on optimizing my time so that I could give the right effort to all streams but not neglect my personal growth at the same time. By adopting methods like time-blocking or deep-work strategies I can better juggle book promotion, client work, and personal growth. I used ChatGPT to even help with some of the day-by-day to help me with habits and save time.
Here's the focus optimization I found so that I don't jump around every time something comes across my desk:
Helping me allocate specific periods for work, self-care, relationships, and spiritual growth, ensuring every aspect of my life gets attention. How I'm implementing:
Daily Theme Blocks: Dedicate mornings for deep, focused work (e.g., client work or book promotion) and afternoons for creative or strategic thinking.
Batch Tasks: Group similar tasks (e.g., responding to emails, creating social media posts) to minimize context-switching.
Schedule Breaks: Block time for movement, prayer, or reflection to recharge mental energy.
Tools to help: Google Calendar, Notion, or Todoist.
Based on Cal Newport's wisdom, Deep work allows me to focus without distraction on cognitively demanding tasks like writing or strategizing. How I'm implementing:
Setting up distraction-free zones by turning off notifications to block interruptions.
Working in focused sprints (e.g., 50 minutes) followed by 10 minute breaks.
Identifying my peak productivity hours and tackling high-priority work during those times.
Tools to help: Forest or Freedom
Helping me focus on tasks that are both important and urgent while delegating or eliminating low-priority activities. Here's how I'm implementing:
Categorize tasks into four quadrants:
Important & Urgent: Do immediately (e.g., client deadlines).
Important but Not Urgent: Schedule (e.g., book promotion strategies).
Urgent but Not Important: Delegate (e.g., admin tasks).
Neither Important nor Urgent: Eliminate (e.g., unnecessary social media scrolling).
Tools to help: Asana or Trello
In addition to these focus optimization methods, I'm also:
Using the “2-Minute Rule” for quick wins. If a task takes less than 2 minutes, do it immediately. (e.g., replying to an email).
Starting each work session with a focus routine, like lighting a candle, praying, or listening to a music.
Ending with a shutdown routine, such as reviewing my accomplishments and setting priorities for the next day.
Leveraging the power of "no."
Using a polite but firm approach to decline requests that don’t serve my priorities (e.g., “I’m focusing on X right now, but thank you for thinking of me!”).
Regularly reviewing my commitments to avoid overloading myself.
To make sure all of my activities and align with my goals for the year and that I am not jumping around with all of my priorities, my strategic framework looks like this:
Marketing and Promotion (2 Days/Week): Dedicate time to promoting my book via Substack, Kit emails, and collaborations.
Tech Client Work (3 Days/Week): Use deep-focus blocks to deliver high-value work.
Admin (1 Day/Week): Handle tasks like email, invoices, or planning.
Creative & Growth (1 Day/Week): Focus on developing new content, exploring personal projects, or strategizing future goals.
Set a single book promotion goal per month (e.g., hosting a webinar, running a promo campaign on Amazon, or pitching to podcasts).
Rotate client work intensity with creative energy, so neither burns me out.
Personal Flourishing
Spiritual Practice: Prayer, devotional journaling, and gratitude.
Physical Activity: Exercise, walking, hiking, stretching.
Creative Thinking: Brainstorm blog/email ideas or marketing strategy while energy is fresh.
Deep Client Work
Dedicate uninterrupted time to tech client projects.
Use the Pomodoro Technique for deep focus: 50 minutes of work, 10-minute breaks.
Book Promotion
Write and schedule a Substack post (1-2x/week).
Plan Kit email campaigns (e.g., a devotional series, themed campaigns).
Engage with audience: Reply to emails or comments and network with influencers.
Client Admin Work
Tackle lighter, administrative tasks like reviewing deliverables, updating proposals, or client calls.
Book Sales & Vision Work
Review book sales data on Amazon, website, or promotional platforms.
Create or refine content for future promotions (e.g., ads, video clips, podcast pitches).
Use this time for strategy and creativity: brainstorming campaigns or developing content for both audiences.
Personal & Relationship Flourishing
Relax or engage in hobbies.
Reflect on the day’s wins and write priorities for the next day.
Batch Content Creation:
Draft multiple posts at once on weekends. For example:
One faith-based post (related to divorce healing).
One business/marketing thought leadership post for tech audience.
Schedule them to go live throughout the week.
Repurpose Content:
Take a snippet from Substack and share it on LinkedIn, Twitter, or Kit emails.
Use Substack as a testing ground for ideas that could become larger promotional campaigns.
Email Campaigns for Book Promotion
Weekly Newsletter: Share snippets from Substack post (include a CTA to buy book).
Devotional Series: Offer a free 5-day devotional via Kit to grow email list. Include an upsell for your book.
Segment Lists: Separate audience into tech professionals and faith-based readers, so emails are always targeted.
Automation Hacks:
Set up email sequences for onboarding new subscribers with valuable resources, such as:
A free chapter of my book.
A checklist or guide for healing post-divorce.
Focus optimization isn’t just about getting more done—it’s about aligning my time with the things that truly matter. By streamlining my workflows for Substack, Kit, book promotion, and client work, I’ve created a system that allows me to serve both of my audiences with intention and excellence. Whether I’m helping tech startups scale or encouraging individuals to heal and flourish, these practices keep me grounded, productive, and aligned with my purpose. It’s a journey of refinement, but one that ensures I’m not just busy—I’m building a life and business that thrives.
January 11, 2025
How to Build a Strong Foundation After Divorce: Turning Negative Self-Talk into Empowering One-Liners
When you start the new year without strong footing, you feel like the rest of the year will be a stumbling mess. If you're going through a divorce at the beginning of the year, it can be even harder. Learning how to build a strong foundation after divorce and reframe any negative self-talk you may encounter is pivotal in healing.
When I was in high school, one of my good friend’s parents installed artificial grass. They have a corner lot, and it is always marvelously decorated for the holidays. I didn’t know they had taken the steps to put in a new yard, and one night when it was late, some of my friends and I decided to go visit him. It was dark, but as we left the driveway to walk to the other side of the house, I could tell the ground felt different.
Since it was dark and our outside-inside geography was not properly matched, we were actually shouting outside his parents’ bedroom window. The next day in school, our friend told us that his parents were livid that someone trampled all over their yard. This delayed the initial installment to prepare the artificial grass. Even though artificial grass looks good once it’s done, it still requires proper planning and steps to achieve success (and level yards). Our trampling was a big setback to that plan.
His parents heard voices calling for their son and assumed it was a girl who didn’t have a good reputation who had a crush on him. I didn’t have the heart to let him think that it was someone else. By the next class period, I was tracking him down in tears, confessing that we were the ones who were stopping by to say hi and didn’t know about the yard.
His parents knew all of us and loved us. Neither they nor he would think us capable of causing harm. He decided to not tell his parents that it was us since they already had a negative view of the other girl. That’s the thing about darkness: even if something feels off, you don’t make the best decisions. No one thought I could trample on a yard late at night, causing destruction, unbeknownst to me. Just like no one (including myself) ever thought I’d be divorced. The illusions we see when we tell lies to ourselves prohibit the truth from coming through.
We want to use filters to create the perfect yard, life, and marriage, but sometimes you just need to dig a little bit in the dirt in order to level things out and rebuild. That’s when you really need to lean in on the truth that only Jesus can bring.
Encouraging One-Liner: What others see as setbacks may be God’s way of reshaping your foundation to be stronger.
Solomon gives us this wisdom: “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain” (Ps. 127:1 ESV). This verse applies to your relationships. Unless God is the foundation for your relationship and building it, you and your spouse can labor and toil all you want, but it won’t have the same outcome as if God were in charge. You and your spouse may both feel like you are trying to be the best and supportive spouse you can be for the other, but it still feels like work, and you’re always missing the mark about what the other wants and needs. What you view as a labor of love can be so different from what your spouse thinks, especially during tense times or times of loss. When the “love” part of “labor of love” is missing, you are just left with laboring in vain. The frustration that mounts from trying hard with no results or appreciation causes more obstacles and mountains to overcome.
Your struggles are just obstacles to be overcome. While you’re sitting in the middle of struggles, you may not be able to see the joy on the other side of them, though. When you go at things your own way and in your own strength, especially in relationships, the mountain you have to climb becomes much larger. You cannot think clearly when your judgment is clouded by emotions—including fear, sadness, shame, anger, and disappointment. These are not the fruits of the Spirit. Leaning into God’s truth means those negative emotions you are feeling can be combated by the Spirit with better feelings—such as joy, love, peace, kindness, and goodness.
Encouraging One-Liner: A shaky foundation may reveal areas where God wants to strengthen you before you flourish.
As David is being rescued by God but rejected by others, he observes, “The stone which the builders rejected as worthless turned out to be the most important of all” (Ps. 118:22 GNT). This analogy of building and having God be your cornerstone demonstrates that with your own eyes and understanding, you may not be laying the proper foundation. By rejecting God and his plan for your life, you are susceptible to a less stable foundation. Even though in your own understanding, it looks like it won’t make a difference to skimp on the foundation and follow the way of the world, it makes a big difference when a storm comes and tests your relationship. Have faith like David; crying out to God with both your faith and doubts is better than ignoring them.
Building your marriage on your own without God at the center opens you both up to cracks that can easily splinter and cause everything to crash down, leaving you and your spouse in the rubble. Digging out of the rubble of your relationship will be much more difficult than taking time at the beginning to trust in God and build a solid foundation for your relationship. Looking back at my own marriage, I see that when the rocks tumbled around me, I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating in the debris, and for every rock I tried to remove or climb over, it felt as though I would stumble over three other ones, getting even more stuck in the destruction.
After feeling rejected, you may experience a state of failure or worthlessness. You'll be tempted to compare your relationship to others. You won't want to dig out of the rubble because you just want to stay buried with your dreams. But let me assure you that your struggles, losses, or perceived flaws do not define you. God can use anything you are going through as a tool to grow and shape you. Your life is worthy to be lived even in times of grief.
Encouraging One-Liner: What others see as weakness, God sees as the cornerstone for your growth.
If you are starting the new year struggling because of your relationship, here are a few ways to focus on building a solid foundation in your spiritual, relational, and personal life:
Spend daily time in God’s Word.
Reframe negative traits or experiences as opportunities for growth.
Seek God’s truth over others’ opinions.
Try journaling or prayer prompts.
To get you started with journaling or praying, try answering some of the questions below:
What trait or experience do I view as a weakness? How might God be using it as a strength?
Where am I laboring in vain? How can I invite God into this process?
When I face rocky situations, who or what supports me?
I encourage you to embrace the process of foundation-building, even when it feels difficult. Remember: what seems negative or rejected can become the most vital part of your growth when God is at the center. He's the firm foundation you can stand on no matter what comes your way in life or relationships.
With God on your side, you won't stay down in the rubble, even if you stumble, God will catch you and place you back where you belong—next to Him and living out the life He has for you.
If you are looking for more inspiration on how to begin anew, you can buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce, which offers reflection, prayers, and personal stories of my experience from divorce to renewal.
September 10, 2024
Finding Hope in the Midst of Appalling Situations: Lessons from the Book of Job
I've been digging deep into the Book of Job. It's the place I go when I feel like I've lost everything--especially hope. When my faith feels weak, when I feel like I was doing everything I could to my best ability and yet things are dire. When I start to wonder if I did something wrong, if I'm being punished, when the "if's" just keep piling up until I'm smothered. It's during these vulnerable moments when I focus on myself and what I did or didn't do, that I remember Job. I remember however I'm feeling or whatever circumstance I'm dealing with doesn't define me.
Job’s story in the Bible shows us what it really means to endure through faith. Job was a faithful servant to God, never questioning. He had lived a good life. The enemy hated this and put Job to the test by taking away everything in his life to see if he would turn his back on God. Job never gave up. Is it possible for us to take a deeper look at Job’s life when we want to give up and shake our heads at God?
I know I should have. I always considered myself a Christian, but if I’m honest, my walk wasn’t a true faith walk. When I lost my job and marriage, I wondered where God was. When I was miserable and believed that nothing would ever make me happy, I feared I would always be stuck. When your spouse doesn’t put dishes in the sink, instead of doing it yourself, you may let them grow crusty and gross.
Your marriage can grow crusty and gross, too, when you live in fear that it won’t ever get better. And if you are getting divorced and can’t clean the crust from your past, you won’t be able to see through a clear glass. There will be times through your divorce or marital struggles that you want to look up at the ceiling or sky and cry out, “Why do you hate me, God?” I know that feeling because I had it. The audacity I had in that moment can only come from fear. Faith would dig deep and not give up. Faith would have meant looking up to the ceiling and asking God to come in and show me how to love my husband better, even when I didn’t feel like it. Faith would have believed in all the possibilities.
I was shouting at God in the living room—living in disgust—where a huge life-size mural from our wedding hung. Math and dimensions were never my things, so when I ordered it, I thought it would be a nice portrait from our dream day, but it was quite large. I always found a place to hang it, but after downsizing homes, life, and my love, I felt that picture was overpowering and looked out of place—just like my love was misplaced. I gave up on marriage, on love, and God.
Your heart starts racing when you are afraid. You feel uneasy, hot, and shaky. As your heart races, your mind can race, leaving you with the fight, flight, or freeze ordeal. If you fight back in marriage, you might not be able to make amends. If you freeze, you might not be able to get to the core of why you are hurting. If you flee, you will have to find a way forward that doesn’t include your spouse by your side. Fear thrusts you into those scenarios.
Faith is calming, even when you are not. Faith gives you a feeling of ease despite your circumstances. You don’t have to come up with a plan or mastermind some way out of what you are feeling. You can see how your spouse is feeling, even if you don’t understand. You can stay and talk when you would rather not. And if you get divorced, you can have faith that God will be there with you and that you will not be alone, even on the days when you feel like no one understands.
Faith when it comes to divorce is believing and knowing firmly that no matter the outcome, you will rise again. Maybe the day in court didn’t go as you planned. But God has something for you that is coming, regardless of what happens in court. Maybe your divorce is taking longer than you thought. Believe that God is working on you during that process, and when the time is right, whether it is a divorce or reconciliation, have faith that God will get you to where you are supposed to be.
I keep clinging back to that time of my divorce, where God came in and pulled me up with His wings and put me back on solid ground. Now when I'm feeling the questioning again, and the weight of "what if's" I remember how God has always been faithful and He will do it again.
One of the fundamental aspects of navigating through trials is the importance of faith and trust in God. When faced with challenges and difficulties, having a strong belief that God STILL provides solace, strength, and guidance. It is during these trying times that your faith is truly tested, and relying on God's wisdom and plan can offer a sense of peace amidst the storm.
Suffering is a universal human experience that often raises questions about its purpose and existence. We are not promised an easier life because we are Christians. Job was faithful and still lost everything--but he didn't lose hope. By delving into the concept of suffering, we can gain a deeper understanding and reliance on God. Bad things may happen to us because of what others do and not because of what we do, but God will still use this suffering for His glory and our good.
The story of Job is a great testimony in choosing to walk with God. Job was a wealthy man who had it all and lost everything—his riches, his family, his status. His friends came to comfort him once he had been stripped of everything. While they came in good meaning, they believed that Job had done something terribly wrong to have such awful things happen to him in his life. In Job’s case, that was not true—he didn’t have a massive hidden sin.
Instead of shunning God for his circumstance or getting angry with his friends, Job amazes us: “When Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes. In fact, the Lord gave him twice as much as before!” (Job 42:10 NLT). Not only did God give back what Job had lost, but he also rewarded him a double portion. You, too, will inherit a great reward when you walk with Jesus. For some of us, we may not see it here on earth. While you are here for a short time, your eternal reward in heaven will be even greater if you do not lose hope while you are here, no matter what comes your way in relationships and life.
For more words of encouragement, buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce.
August 20, 2024
Small Victories: Why Celebrating Every Step is Essential on Your Divorce Journey
You know how movies tend to introduce romantic characters during a “meet-cute”? Two strangers at the coffee shop, who just know the other is someone special. Maybe coffee spills, and they fumble their words. Or throughout the movie, the two characters keep missing one another, never able to get together, but it all magically unfolds for the happy ending.
Life is unfortunately not a romantic movie, and meet-cutes are few and far between. I had a meet-cute, and all the right scenes played out in the right order at the right time, but the happy ending didn’t work out. Maybe you met your spouse and had everything in common, bringing you closer together, or maybe you were a case of opposites attracting (a fan favorite in the movies). Those differences create a magnetic connection, encouraging you to bring out the best in one another. What happens if those differences start to become a wedge in your relationship? Or what happens if one or both of you lose some of those attributes as time marches on? When marriage becomes hard, separation occurs, or a divorce is finalized, you’re left with zero confidence, focus, or passion about anything.
If a betrayal is felt early on in your marriage, the honeymoon phase is skipped. You always believe that the honeymoon high will linger, even when you return from your tropical destination. But when the plane lands and you are back to settling into married life, it might not be so magical. There may be bumps. When the bumps are things you could never imagine, it is hard to reconcile those feelings. I was always a big believer in giving the traditional anniversary gifts to celebrate love. The first traditional anniversary is paper. During my first anniversary, I became unemployed. I was laid off for the first time in my life (but definitely not the last). If paper is the traditional first-year gift, mine came in the form of a pink slip. When your life is abruptly changed early on in marriage, it brings you down from what should have been the ultimate high from love and marital joy.
By year five, I would experience my final anniversary, the traditional gift of wood. Where wood is supposed to symbolize something stable and long lasting, my piece of wood was hollow and rotting, and a few months later, I would be separated and then divorced by the end of year five. I was always very determined in work and relationships, but the blows from jobs and my marriage wiped me out.
While it’s a good notion to believe that when one spouse is down, the other can lift them up to support the marriage, life just doesn’t work in that cut-and-dried way. It doesn’t work like that for your job, your dreams, or your relationships. You and your spouse can both have rock-solid jobs and believe that the other is exceptionally talented in their role. You support each other and assume the best in the beginning. You know that sense of pride you feel when someone you love has a victory and something worth celebrating—but what happens when you both experience loss at the same time? If one or both of you lose your job, you lose a child, you lose a home? Will you still be able to remain confident in each other and see the good you once saw in the beginning? It’s easy to uphold the part of “for better” in marriage vows, but we often struggle with “the worse” because we never really define or imagine what “worse” really entails until we are knee-deep in it.
Sometimes routes get detoured, but you still get to your destination. When you chase perfection, the detours in life are many. When you are unable to be content in the journey and where you are right now, you may feel like you need to pick up and go elsewhere. As soon as you get to the next stop, whether because you achieve what you wanted or because you didn’t and it looks different, you are ready to move on again.
Instead of little rest stops that you can delight in on your way to your destination, you end up all over the map, never really stopping to take a picture or remember the memory.
Marriage can be like that. Maybe one of you loves to take things in and enjoy them in the moment, but the other doesn’t. One of you may always be rushing or focused on getting to the next point. When I travel, I used to care more about the plan and checking everything off the list to make sure I had the best trip possible. While my intentions were good, and I wanted to have a memorable trip, there is something to be said about stopping to enjoy and savor the moments, taking photos every couple of steps with your spouse to remember them by.
My next trips would be solo ones where I would stop to take photos. I still love to plan an itinerary and see the best attractions, but I always pause and savor the moments. I’m not in a hurry, I stop to talk to others, and I help others. I don’t rush through life anymore. On a flight after my divorce, I was on my way to one of my bucket-list items: Mackinac Island. If you’ve never been, it’s an island in Michigan where no cars are allowed. Being more of a fan of planes than road trips in a car, I had to take multiple flights, including a regional hopper, then a car ride to catch a ferry to get to the island. It was pretty heavy on logistics, but I didn’t care. As my ferry reached the island, I stopped to have breakfast, not in a rush to get to my resort and check in. On the ferry ride over, I sat up top, taking videos of the island coming into view and the grand Mackinac Bridge towering over me, snapping selfies as the wind blew my hair all over my face. They weren’t the perfect shots, but I wasn’t bothered.
Paul extols:
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. (Phil. 3:12–14 NLT)
You press on with the strength of Christ. The prize is not perfection here on earth but eternal life with Jesus. While you are here, you move forward to where he calls you, knowing that along the way, there will be turbulence and detours, but you cannot keep looking back. In order to press on, you have to let go of perfection and embrace the progress you make, no matter how small or big. In your relationships, your past hurts and seeming imperfections can keep you from moving forward in unconditional love. The type of love that Jesus has for you, you don’t have to be perfect to obtain. When you extend that same type of love to those you love, without perfect expectation, you can move forward to a love that can experience all the progress and setbacks along the way.
If you have to press on after divorce, you can do so knowing that you aren’t alone and that God’s love is with you as you advance to the life he has in store for you. You can move forward, not looking back to get stuck but to learn from what happened and how you will treat a future relationship differently.
When you have relationship hurts, you may not want to get out of bed at all, let alone get out of bed chipper and content. When you feel this way, one of the best things to do is to wake and remember, “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Ps. 118:24 ESV). God has made every day and knows every day to still come. He created this day, just today, for you to enjoy and cherish. He may know what lies ahead, but you do not, so you should be content with what the day brings, whatever the day brings. You can wake up knowing that God gave you another day. It’s another day to celebrate him and see what wonder he has planned for you. It’s another day to forgive those you need to forgive. It’s another day to look outside and take in the sunshine, the leaves changing color, the snow, or the tulips. It’s another day to move your body and feel your toes enter a fuzzy pair of slippers. You can be content in fuzzy slippers with a cup of coffee, reading God’s Word. You don’t have to dress up, but some people may feel content when they do that! Find out what works for you, and embrace the day that God has made, basking in all of his glory.
Focusing on progress instead of perfection is the better way for a life of contentment and stable relationships. Whereas perfection cares about the look and the perceived end of something, often rushing the results and delaying satisfaction, progress enjoys the journey and celebrates all the little wins along the way.
Where do you still seek perfection? Write down two or three things you can celebrate that are in progress. This could be anything from a spontaneous date night, to seeking counseling, to having an honest conversation with your spouse, to talking about your divorce, to taking the time to stop and take in the moment.
If you are looking for more ways to celebrate the small victories and overcome divorce, buy my book Wings to Rise above Divorce where you will learn how to find redemption in your struggling.
