James L. Cambias's Blog, page 26

Vacation in Prague, Day 2

We woke early and set out for Prague's biggest tourist attraction: The Castle. And when I say biggest, I'm being utterly literal. Prague Castle is a third of a mile long and includes four palaces, a cathedral, a basilica, the President of the Czech Republic, an art museum, a street market, and a TORTURE MUSEUM.

Inconveniently, Good King Wenceslaus decided to put the gate of his castle on the side facing away from the city, so to get inside we had to cross the river and walk the entire length of the castle to Hradcany Square. We also had to climb up nearly 100 meters of stairs, so a rest break at the top seemed like a good idea before going into the castle.

The adventuring party paid for the second-tier admission ��� access to all the buildings* but skipping the movie about the castle and its history. All of us actively dislike museums which make you sit through a movie before they let you see stuff, so we were happy to save some kroner.

The first part of the complex we saw was St. Vitus Cathedral, a magnificent Gothic pile on the outside with some gonzo Baroque touches inside. It can boast relics of St. Vitus himself and the giant silver tomb of St. John Nepomuk (who was martyred not far away when Wenceslaus IV ��� who I think we can all refer to as bad King Wenceslaus ��� had him thrown into the river).

After making our circuit of the cathedral we exited into St. George Square, where we detoured to the street market for sausages and drinks before tackling the old Royal palace section. That palace has the grand Vladislav Hall, the old Diet chamber, and of course the famous window from which the Imperial regents were thrown in the Second Defenestration of Prague. (The First Defenestration happened across the river at the town hall on Old Town Square. Evidently the Communist leaders of Czechoslovakia in 1989 knew enough to stay away from windows.)

We left through the door and had a look in at St. George Basilica, which is older than the cathedral but has a spiffy 17th-century facade. The interior is almost completely without ornament, apparently because of a fire back in the 12th century.

The final part of our castle visit was Gold Lane, a narrow street of tiny medieval houses built into the castle wall. Franz Kafka's sister lived there for a while, so he presumably visited from time to time. That house is now a bookstore, so I bought some postcards. No sign of giant beetles. There's also a decent museum of arms and armor, with replicas of medieval and Thirty Years' War equipment. To my delight, the collection of polearms included an actual Bohemian Ear-Spoon, which I first learned about from a footnote in the old D&D Players' Handbook. We skipped the TORTURE MUSEUM downstairs, and made our way out and down the hill back to the bridge, then to our flat. After all that walking and climbing we needed a nap.

Dinner that evening was at a Vietnamese banh mi restaurant, on our way to pick up some essentials at a nearby grocery. The grocery was part of the "Albert" chain, and our party of adventurers noticed some curiously familiar items and logos, especially on the store brand products. Yep: Albert's parent company, the Dutch giant Ahold, also owns the American Stop & Shop chain, one of my primary grocery sources at home. I regretted leaving my store loyalty card at home, as I could have tried to earn some gas points in Prague. We loaded up on soft drinks, breakfast food, and snacks, then headed back to our flat.

Early to bed that night. We were tired out from castling.

Next time: Synagogues!

*Except for the privately-owned Lobkowicz Palace. The Communists seized it but the reborn Czech Republic very nicely gave it back to the Lobkowicz family. You can get into that one, but it's not part of the package with the rest of the Castle. We decided to skip it.

Vacation in Prague, Day 1

A note to the reader: because I am too lazy to hunt around the option keys on my laptop to find the right characters, I am spelling all Czech words without accents or other diacritical marks.

We flew to Prague via Philadelphia, with a five-hour wait between landing in the hometown of W.C. Fields and our flight across the ocean. It's nice not to be rushed when one travels . . . but I can think of a lot of places I would rather spend my time than an airport. Pretty much all places, really.

The flight was long but uneventful. At one point I glanced around the cabin and could see four people watching Aquaman and three viewing Captain Marvel on the little seat-back screens which keep the passengers tranquil. Of the two, I recommend Aquaman as the better movie to watch with no sound.

We reached Prague on Sunday morning, spent time in line waiting to get our passports stamped, waited some more for our bags to appear, and finally got a taxi into the city. Our rental flat wasn't actually ready yet, so we killed some time by having lunch nearby and lingering shamelessly.

The flat was pleasant enough. The building looked like post-World War I construction, very solid but not unattractive. Our apartment had high ceilings and good ventilation, so it was quite comfortable even on the warmest evenings. As it was an AirBnB property, the furnishings were the usual mix of thrift-store items and IKEA. Reminded me of my first apartment.

The main flaw was that it was described in the listing as a third-floor apartment, and that was technically true. If one got into the coffin-sized elevator and pressed "3" one arrived on the landing by our door. However: recall that in Europe, the elevator doesn't start on floor 1, but on floor 0. Also, our building had commercial space on the ground floor, so floor 0 of the apartments was actually on what we Americans would call the second story. In short, our third-floor apartment was on the fifth floor, and the tiny elevator meant that two-thirds of our adventuring party had to climb the stairs every time we returned.

This is not mere griping, as it is interesting to see how it affected our sightseeing. Because there was a high "fixed cost" of going out (you'd have to climb five flights of stairs), we tended to go out on extended expeditions, often with multiple goals, rather than just popping in and out on a whim.

After unpacking and resting up (our internal clocks thought it was bedtime in the middle of the afternoon, plus nobody slept well on the plane) we ventured out into Prague!

A little orientation: the part of Prague we were staying in was the Old Town (Stare Mesto). The specific section our flat was in was the old Jewish quarter ��� indeed, we were just across the street from the back of the Moorish-fantasy Spanish Synagogue building. The heart of the Old Town is Old Town Square (Staromestske Namesti), home of the famous Astronomical Clock and a spectacular early 20th century monument to Jan Huss.

More to our purposes, Old Town Square is also home to both the Prague Tourist Information office and the Czech Tourist Information office. We hit both and loaded up on brochures, maps, and timetables.

We woke the third member of the party and went out for dinner at a different nearby restaurant, where we tried our first authentically Czech meal. We shared a platter of traditional Czech appetizers ��� cheese, smoked meat, pickled sausage, onions, and head cheese. This cried out to be accompanied by beer, so I had the first of many beers in Prague. I honestly believe more beer is consumed by volume than water in that city. (During tourist season, at least.)

For my meal I had something called "Moravian Sparrow" which turned out to be a pork stew accompanied by two different kinds of braised cabbage (red and white) and Czech bread dumplings (houskove knedliky). I believe I had bread dumplings at least once a day for our entire visit. They're pretty good. Dr. Kelly had braised rabbit (also good) with potato dumplings

After dinner the rest of the adventurers wanted to stay in the flat and look at screens, because you can't do that in Massachusetts, so I ventured out on my own, taking advantage of Prague's very late midsummer sunset to have a look at the city and get my bearings. I wandered along the Vltava river, passing the Rudolfinium concert hall and reaching the famous Charles Bridge before turning back.

The Charles Bridge is the oldest bridge in town, and for a long time was the only bridge. The Old Town end of it is also the heart of the cheesiest tourist section of Prague ��� strip clubs, one of several TORTURE MUSEUMS, shops selling cannabis beer, visitors peeing in the shrubbery, and my first encounter with the Prague Pedal Party Bar (a mobile beer bar, powered by the pedaling of the patrons on board; it careens about Old Town Prague from pub to pub every night).

Properly tired after a long flight, a big meal, and a long walk, I climbed the five flights up to our third-floor apartment and collapsed for a long sleep on my first night in Prague.

Next time: The Castle!

Random Encounters: Prague

The ancient capital of Bohemia, Prague boasts one of the world's most beautiful city centers. Since the fall of Communism,
millions of people from all over the world have flocked to Prague to enjoy the city's beauty and amazing historical and cultural sights. Roll 1d20 every 15 minutes of walking around Prague to see what you encounter.

Bakery: 75 percent chance of Chlebicky, 40 percent chance of croissants.
Bear: Someone in a giant cartoon bear costume. Roll 1d6. 1-2: Panda, 3-4: Polar Bear, 5: Teddy Bear, 6: Krtek (beloved local cartoon mole).
Bogus Alchemy Museum: Chance of encountering actual alchemical lore is 0 percent.
Candy Shop: Roll 1d6. 1-2: Outlet of the local "Captain Candy" chain, 3-4: Chocolate shop calling itself a "Chocolate Museum" for some reason, 5-6: Other candy seller.
Castle: Roll 1d6. 1-4: Prague Castle (immense complex, looms over city), 5-6: Vysehrad Castle (ruined).
Castle Again. It's everywhere you turn.
Church: Roll 1d6. 1-2: Gothic, 3-6: Baroque. There is a 75 percent chance of a music recital in the evenings.
Another Church
Drunk Tourists: Loud, amiable, 30 percent chance of being British.
Golem: Roll 1d6. 1-2: Golem-theme restaurant, 3-4: Stall selling Golem-shaped cookies, 5-6: Shop selling Golem figurines.
Kafka: Roll 1d10. 1-2: Kafka bookshop, 3-4: Kafka's house, 5-6: Kafka memorial sculpture, 7-8: Kafka Museum, 9-10: Kafka-theme restaurant.
Liquor Store: Sells beer, wine, absinthe, cannabis beer, cannabis absinthe, and (I'm not making this up) cannabis absinthe beer.
Museum: Roll 1d6. 1-2: Art museum, 3: Historic building, 4: Historical museum, 5-6: Torture Museum!
Tram. There's a 10 percent chance you've picked the wrong line and will wind up going to a different part of town rather than where you had intended.
Trolley. Adorable older version of the Tram.
Pub. Automatically includes a Drunk Tourists encounter.
Restaurant: There's a 75 percent chance of dumplings.
Synagogue: Roll 1d6. 1-3: Old New Synagogue (oldest, still working, 25 percent chance of a Golem sighting), 4: Klausova Synagogue (museum), 5: Pinkas Synagogue (Holocaust memorial), 6: Spanish Synagogue (still working, closed for restoration).
Tourists: From just about any country, marveling at the city, drinking beer, and eating Trdelniks.
Trdelnik Stand: Selling cakes made by wrapping dough around a cylinder and cooking it over a wood fire. There's a 50 percent chance you can get them filled with soft-serve ice cream, which is good but incredibly messy.

Random Encounters: In the Wizard's House

It looks like a whimsical little cottage on the outside, but on the inside the Wizard's House is a bewildering maze of hallways, endless staircases, courtyards, and rooms of every size. The windows look out on a frightening variety of landscapes, some which cannot exist on Earth.

You're not the only ones exploring the Wizard's House. There are servants, guests, thieves, and the Wizard's own creations roaming the halls. Some are friendly, some are hostile ��� but none of them knows where the master has gone, or when he will return.

ENCOUNTERS IN THE WIZARD'S HOUSE

(Roll 1d10 if you're staying in one place, 1d20 when moving about the house.)

Roll Twice and Combine
Angel: An armored, winged warrior angel, hoping to ask the Wizard for the loan of a particular item or book.
Apprentice: A bumbling teenager, doing his best to act like a serious student of the magical arts. If any of the party are either a famous warrior or an attractive woman (or better yet, both) the apprentice will find excuses to hang around and make awkward conversation.*
Cat: A well-fed black cat with a single diamond on a gold chain around her neck.*
Demon: A dapper and polite former classmate of the Wizard at the Scholomance in Herrenstadt.
Invisible Servants: They may be invisible, but they sure make a racket, and pay no attention to anyone else as they sweep through the room, cleaning, dusting, putting things away (even if someone's trying to use something), shaking out rugs, and rearranging furniture.
Nosy Rival: Another highly-skilled magician, who claims to be just paying a social call on the Wizard, but is actually hoping to steal some of his sorcerous secrets.
Old One: A five-eyed, five-winged, tentacled creature from the hidden city at the South Pole, here to consult with the Wizard on an embarassing personal problem.
School of Fish: 2d10 large colorful fish swim through the room.
Thieves: 1d6 goblins disguised as maidservants. There's a 50 percent chance they're here to steal a particular item, and a 50 percent chance they're just looking for anything shiny.
Butler: A Fox-Spirit in human form, with impressive magical abilities of its own, the Butler tends to appear and disappear when you're not looking. Helpful but very busy.
Giant Eyeball: A huge eye, filling the room or passageway. It's obviously watching you. There's a 20 percent chance that the Giant Eyeball will take an interest in the party and follow them about.
Indoor Thunderstorm: This part of the house has thick black clouds hovering just under the ceiling, with lightning, high winds, and rain. Anyone passing through the storm has a 10 percent chance of getting hit by lightning, and a 100 percent chance of getting soaked.
Owl-Headed Bear: Nobody knows why, but every wizard seems to have one. This is a big, fierce specimen. It's trained not to attack guests or servants, but if the characters act like intruders it will try to eat them.
Permanent Houseguest: He came to visit many years ago and never left. The Wizard has long since forgotten about him, but he doesn't mind ��� he shows up for dinner, bores other guests with irrelevant stories, and knows where the good cigars are kept.
Tiger: It acts as if it knows where it's going and doesn't have time to stop to eat you.*
Trap: The Wizard has a strange sense of humor. This large room is actually his private swimming-pool, but he has cloaked it in an illusion to appear as an indoor croquet lawn. Anyone who steps onto the lawn discovers the trick, and gets very wet.
Uninvited Relative: She's a distant cousin of the Wizard and has come to demand that he do something about a family matter. If she can't find him, you'll do.
Window: This window looks out across a courtyard at an identical window, and you can see yourself looking back from the other side.
Tracks or Traces: Roll again to see what you just missed.

*Any encounter marked with an asterisk has a 10 percent chance of actually being the Wizard in disguise.

SITUATIONS

(Roll 1d6, then consult the table above to determine who A and B are.)

A desires B
A wants to capture B
A wants B dead
A wants to go somewhere
A wants to solve a mystery
A wants X

REACTION TABLE

(Roll 2d6 for each encounter, modified by any advantages or disadvantages the characters may have.)

2-3: Hostile ��� immediate attack or blatant social snub

4-5: Unfriendly ��� won't offer help and treats the party with great disdain

6-8: Neutral ��� normal reaction

9-10: Friendly ��� helpful and chatty

11-12: Very Friendly ��� won't shut up!

WorldCon Turns Eighty!

I'm not actually going to this year's World Science Fiction Convention in Dublin, and I only just discovered something interesting: the first WorldCon was held July 4 weekend in 1939, so this year represents the eightieth anniversary of WorldCons. Happy eightieth birthday!

Celebrating Independence Day

"I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more."

��� John Adams

(Pedant alert: at the time he thought this anniversary would be July 2, but came around to appreciating July 4 by the end of his life.) 

Happy Independence Day!

Random Encounters: Neutral Istanbul

Turkey remained neutral during World War II, but Istanbul's strategic location made it a hub of espionage and intrigue. American, British, Russian, German, and Italian agents all spied on each other with varying success, and the Turkish Security Service spied on them all. Exiles and displaced persons sought refuge there, and crooks flocked to take advantage of them. And in the background the ancient city's life went on.

ENCOUNTERS IN NEUTRAL ISTANBUL

Roll 1d20 when moving about the city, 1d10 when stationary.

Roll twice and combine
Plot advancing encounter: Someone or something connected with the reason the player-characters are in Istanbul.
Allied Spies: Roll 1d6. 1: American OSS (well-funded "cowboys"), 2-3: British MI-6 (professional but stodgy), 4: French DGSE (underfunded but very professional), 5-6: Russian GRU (dedicated and ruthless).
Axis Spies: Roll 1d6. 1-2: German Abwehr (professional military intelligence); 3: German RSHA (SS intelligence, amateurish but fanatical); 4-5: Italian SIM (military intelligence, professional but underfunded); 6: Pro-Fascist Turkish group (amateurish).
Con Man: A Turkish or neutral foreign citizen, working some grift on refugees or foreign spies. May be involved in a spy plot without realizing it.
Displaced Person: Civilians from southeastern Europe who have fled to Istanbul to keep out of Nazi or Soviet hands. Some are rich, most are penniless, all are desperate to avoid deportation.
Goons: A gang of 2d6 local tough guys with knives and clubs sent to beat up the player-characters. Roll 1d6 to see who sent them. 1: Allied intelligence (see above); 2: Axis intelligence (see above); 3: Local crime boss; 4: Mistaken identity (roll again to see who they think they're attacking); 5: Turkish intelligence or police; 6: Turkish nationalist group.
Imam: A Turkish Muslim religious scholar, with access to lots of old Arabic and Greek manuscripts.
Turkish National Police: Turkish police, trying to show they're as good at catching foreign spies as their National Security Service rivals. These are uniformed city cops, equipped like French gendarmes with billy clubs and weighted capes.
Turkish National Security Service: Turkish military intelligence agents, highly skilled and professional. They are desperately trying to keep Turkey neutral and avoid provoking military action by either side. They're plain-clothes agents armed with pistols.
Ambush: 2d6 Goons (see above) are waiting to jump the player-characters in a dark alley.
Baron Sebottendorff: The German occultist who founded the Thule Society ��� which in turn spun off a political group called the Nazis. He's either a fraud, a crackpot, or the secret magical mastermind behind the war. He lives at the Pera Palace Hotel and gets lots of visitors.
Coffeehouse: Coffeehouses are the center of social and political life in Istanbul. Characters can find out the latest news ��� and the gossip that the Turkish government won't let the papers print. With proper "social engineering" skills and a little hard currency, you can find out just about anything here.
Helpful Taxi Driver: His name's Ohannes, an Armenian whose family have been in Istanbul for generations. Ohannes knows the city better than anyone, can sell passengers a variety of useful items for a small fee, and is professionally discreet. He prefers to be paid in gold.
Pickpocket: A wiry street urchin or a bland-looking bystander, but he or she is after your wallet. May have a specific thing to steal, or may be simply looking for cash.
Pursuit! Someone's after you ��� Goons, enemy agents, crooks, or the police. Move!
Riot! The economic disruptions brought by the war have left a lot of Turks struggling to get by. Nazis and Communists have been funnelling money to political factions which support their ideologies. The result is a political tinder-box ready to flare up. There's an angry crowd in the street, and foreigners are always a good target.
Safe House: Your side maintains an apartment nearby, stocked with a first-aid kit, some Turkish cash, and a change of clothing. It's a place to regroup and recover.
Smuggler: Legitimate trade may have dried up due to the war, but smuggling is booming. Smugglers move contraband in and out of the occupied Greek islands, meet up with Russians on the Black Sea, and even range as far as Syria and Lebanon. They move cigarettes, liquor, opium, caviar, furs, guns, refugees ��� and spies. They're pretty ruthless people, loyal only to the rest of the gang.
Tracks: Roll again to see what you find traces of.

SITUATIONS IN NEUTRAL ISTANBUL

Roll 1d6 to see what's going on, and use the above table to see who's involved.

A desires B
A wants to capture B
A wants B dead
A wants to go somewhere
A wants to solve a mystery
A wants X

A Matter of Principle

Waldo's momentum is 34,974 kilogram-meters per second.

Now you'll never find him.

Random Encounters: A New Star System

You've just emerged from hyperspace, or shut off the Alcubierre drive, or switched on the plasma sail to slow down from relativistic speed. You're here, in a new star system, and it's time to look around. Long-range telescopes have already showed you all the major planets, but you still have to chart moons, asteroids, and comets. You'll also want to check out surface conditions on all the solid planets and moons. But yours might not be the only ship in the system . . .  

ENCOUNTERS IN A NEW STAR SYSTEM

Roll d10 while your spacecraft is in orbit around a planet or moon; roll d20 when it arrives at a new body. Then check the Reaction Table and roll for Situations below.

Roll twice and Combine
Alien Explorer: Another interstellar craft is surveying the system, and it's not from Earth. Roll 1d6. 1: Alien colony ship here to claim the system; 2-3: Known alien civilization; 4: Native civilization's first interplanetary probe; 5: Unknown aliens; 6: Von Neumann probe building copies of itself to launch at other stars.
Automated Defense System: A robot spacecraft armed with missiles launches from a hidden site inside the nearest world and attacks! (Reaction is automatically Hostile.)
Cryptic Transmission: A tight-beam transmission obviously meant for your ship in particular, coming from the nearest world. But it's in no language or code you recognize.
Enigmatic Warship: A powerful-looking military spacecraft approaches. Roll 1d6 to determine its affiliation. 1: Derelict on eccentric orbit; 2: Friendly aliens (+1 Reaction); 3: Hostile aliens (-2 Reaction); 4: Hostile human faction (-1 Reaction); 5: Player-characters' faction (+2 Reaction); 6: Unknown origin.
Mining Robots: 1d10 automated mining spacecraft, single-mindedly trying to refine every asteroid they encounter into neat spheres of metal, ice, or pure carbon. Your ship looks like a rich deposit. (Reaction is automatically Hostile.)
Mission-Relevant Encounter: Something related to the reason you were sent to this star system. A habitable world, traces of those droids you're searching for, or the Lost MacGuffin.
Scout Ship: Another exploration ship, possibly from a rival organization.
Space Pirates: An armed spacecraft crewed by desperate renegades. If your ship looks weaker, the Reaction roll is at -2; if you look substantially more powerful, they claim to be peaceful asteroid prospectors.
Stellar Flare! The local star is acting up. Communications will be impossible for 1d4 hours, and small craft should return to the hangar or seek shelter from radiation.
Ambush! Pirates or hostiles have been lying in wait for you, using passive sensor relays to watch while concealing their ships. Now they strike! (Automatically Hostile.)
Ancient Megastructure: A giant artificial structure, thousands or millions of years old. Its purpose may be obvious or completely mysterious. Use the Reaction Table to determine how dangerous it is: a Friendly result means it's safe, Unfriendly means it contains hazards, and Hostile means it actively repels intruders.
Debris Field: This world or moon is surrounded by a belt of hazardous debris. There's a 10 percent chance per hour of an impact big enough to damage the ship.
Emergency Cache: Some helpful person left a supply container in orbit, with oxygen, power plant fuel, medical equipment, and spare parts. Note that the cache builders may not have been human.
Hacking Buoy: A small capsule transmitting a simple beacon. But if spacecraft get within a few hundred meters, the buoy begins a very sophisticated electronic attack aimed at taking control of the ship's systems.
Lone Astronaut: A human in a space suit is adrift in orbit, calling for help. When rescued, he won't say how he got there and seems to know far too much about your ship and your mission.
Scavengers: A small patched-up ship of asteroid prospectors and debris salvagers. They've been here a while and know about two of the system's other hazards or mysteries.
Secret Base: Someone got here first and established a base, hidden by rock and ice from all but the closest scans. Roll 1d6 to see whose base it is. 1: Hostile aliens; 2: Military outpost; 3: Peaceful observers; 4: Pirates; 5: Rebels; 6: Secret laboratory.
Secretive Expedition: A large scout or converted merchant ship supporting an expedition to this world or moon. They won't say what they're looking for. (Reaction penalty of -2, but won't attack.)
Trader: A merchant ship, with minimal armament. Roll 1d6 to see why it's here. 1: Collecting valuable resource; 2: Damaged and in need of assistance; 3: Hired to deliver something; 4: Lost; 5: Running from pirates; 6: Smuggling.

REACTION TABLE

Roll 2d6 and apply any modifiers from the encounter table.

2: Hostile��� attacks immediately or begins covert hostile actions.

3-5: Unfriendly��� demands surrender, makes threats, and will follow them up.

6-8: Neutral��� takes no hostile action but offers no aid, either.

9-11: Friendly��� willing to talk or trade, will offer aid in life-or-death situations.

12: Very Friendly��� volunteers aid and supplies, freely exchange information, may suggest joining forces.

SITUATIONS

Roll 1d6 for each encounter to see what their goals are.

A desires B
A wants to capture B
A wants B dead
A wants to go somewhere
A wants to solve a mystery
A wants X

 

 

Culinary/Literary Notes

I can usually eat something without telling the world about it, but tonight I made a grilled marinated Porterhouse steak with an heirloom tomato salad, followed by fresh-picked ripe strawberries and ice cream. All served up on the porch on a perfect evening.

But that's not what I actually intended to post about today. Lately I've been reading Dumas on Food, an English translation/abridgement of Alexander Dumas's Grand Dictionaire de Cuisine.

The entry on "Cavaillon Melon" includes the following passage, which I commend to all my fellow authors:

"One day I received a letter from the municipal council of Cavaillon which informed me that they were establishing a library and were desirous of securing for it the best books which they possibly could. They therefore begged me to send them those two or three of my novels which to my mind were the best. Now, I have a daughter and a son, whom I think I love equally; and I am the author of five or six hundred volumes and belive myself to be just about equally fond of them all. So I replied to the town of Cavaillon that it was not for an author to judge the merits of his books, that I thought all my books good, but that I found Cavaillon melons excellent; and that I consequently proposed to send to the town of Cavaillon a complete set of my works . . . if the municipal council would be willing to vote me a life annuity of twelve green melons."

"The municipal council of Cavaillon . . . replied by return of post that my request had been unanimously endorsed, and that I would certainly receive my life annuity, which in all likelihood is the only one that I will ever have."

While I don't have an oeuvre of six hundred volumes, and so probably can't parlay a set of my books into a lifetime supply of anything, I think I could manage a one-to-one swap. If you like science fiction or roleplaying games, and have a Zamponi sausage or some chanterelles, contact me.