Maranda Russell's Blog, page 77

Happy Art – Pegasus and Sunshine

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I share a lot of darker art and writing on this blog, so thought today I would share some bright, happy art! I like the way this ACEO art trading card came out, featuring a pegasus and a swirly sun. I also added a bit of pastel splatters to dress it up a bit more. Stuff like this is just pure fun to make and share

Matchbox 20 “Unwell” – Lyrics of My Life

If I had to choose a song to represent how I honestly feel about myself and my life most of the time these days, this song would definitely be near the top. It isn’t actually even my favorite Matchbox 20 song (which would be hard to narrow down anyhow, but would likely be something off their first or second album), but the lyrics hit home in a way that not a lot of songs do. I don’t hear voices (other than my own endlessly chattering inner monologues), but at this point, I wouldn’t be all that surprised if someday I started lol.

I think the saddest line in this entire song is “But soon enough, you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be…”, which also happens to be the line that hits home for me the hardest. A few years ago, this wasn’t me. Back then I had repressed so much that I was able to function at least, but when my sister committed suicide, it was like the floodgates opened and all the repressed memories came flooding in at the same time that all of my carefully crafted defenses came crashing down. My mental and physical health took a nosedive and has been sinking further and floundering since. Sometimes I’m almost angry at my sister for killing herself and thereby forcing me to face what I had always ran away from or purposefully pushed aside.

Negativity

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Sometimes I worry that I come across as too negative or focused only on the bad on this blog. It is really a fine line to walk, because as someone who is chronically ill, constantly feeling sick, and dealing with several mental health issues, it can often feel like the negative in my life does far outweigh the positive. Most of the things I used to love to do (hike, play tennis, roller skate, go dancing, etc.) are now virtually impossible for me. I haven’t been able to work in a couple years and even when I did, I was constantly in trouble for missing work due to health issues. I used to find a great deal of meaning in being a foster parent, but there is no way I could handle that anymore either. I feel like I’ve lost SO MUCH that it is hard to cope. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression, but since becoming sicker and sicker physically, the levels of those mental issues have skyrocketed.

I want to be honest on this blog above all else. Even when it hurts and even when it is ugly and dark. However, I don’t want to give the impression that there are never good moments in my life. There are times my husband makes me laugh uncontrollably. There are days when I do feel well enough to go out to eat or browse through a bookstore. Sometimes I get to watch a tv show I’m addicted to and excited to see. I still get to paint and play with art materials. My crazy cats continue to be crazy and adorable. It isn’t all bad, and I am grateful for the good times, but most days are a struggle and I don’t want to lie about that either.

* Art by Maranda Russell

All Over the Place

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Lately I’ve been all over the place emotionally. I’ve especially been struggling with feelings of rage (I even stabbed an inflatable black cat to death), panic, and dread. Often I find myself laying in bed and these feelings come over me, settling like a heavy blanket around me, so that I feel like I can’t move or fight it off. During these times I truly believe that if it were possible to die from such misery, I would have been dead a hundred times over.

These storms of emotion definitely seem to be worse at night, when I try to go to bed, but even during the day I feel the remnants of these episodes wrap around me like tentacles. I’m honestly not sure what is causing it. Is it the PTSD? The bipolar? Autistic meltdowns? Is it a combination of my mental and physical conditions just wearing me down to an extent I can’t handle? Or am I just slowly slipping further into insanity?

* Art by Maranda Russell

Bipolar or Borderline? Part 1

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Although I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 mood disorder, honestly, I wonder myself if it might not be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) instead, or even in addition. The reason I say this is that so many of the stories of other Borderlines hit close to home and so do the symptoms. My greatest fear is fear of abandonment, and has been since childhood. It doesn’t matter if that abandonment comes from rejection or death, it all feels like being abandoned to me.

As a child I wouldn’t even spend the night at friends’ houses normally because I would have panic attacks at night and end up calling my mom to come get me. I was always afraid something would happen to my family or they would somehow be gone in the morning if I wasn’t there with them all the time. This fear became much, much worse after my dad died when I was 12. After that, my fear centered on my mom dying or leaving me, which wasn’t helped at all when she remarried when I was 15 and started dumping me off on anyone she could while she went on trips with her new lover.

When I got married at 20 years of age, that fear transferred to my husband. At first I feared he would just get sick of me and leave or find someone else he liked better. I was extremely insecure for a long time. I would get upset over the silliest things, like thinking he loved the kids he worked with more than he loved me. It was ridiculous. The one and only time we have been apart since being married was when I went with a church group to Tennessee for a week. One night during that week he told me he would be home by 10pm, so I called him after that and couldn’t get an answer. I freaked out, and ended up leaving 19 tearful messages for him within an hour because I was so scared something had happened to him.

Fortunately, I have matured over the years and my fear of my husband leaving me or cheating on me has greatly reduced due to his loving nature, although deep down I know I must still have some of those fears because I have nightmares about those things happening. However, now my fear focuses mostly on my worries that my husband will die before I do…a fear that might be somewhat justified by my being about a decade younger than him. This fear of something happening to him is so strong it literally gives me panic attacks if I think about it too much.

My fear of abandonment and rejection greatly affects my ability to develop other relationships because I tend to push people away before they can get too close, mostly out of fear of them rejecting me once they really get to know me. I know I have poor self-esteem and a flawed self-image, which I’m sure I will address further in part 2 of this post.

* Art by Maranda Russell

Abstract Care Bear

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This acrylic abstract ACEO painting was inspired by a stuffed, plush Care Bear toy I received for Christmas. Can anybody guess which Care Bear it was that inspired the painting? Comment below and I’ll let you know if you guess right!

Mystery Abstract Painting Guessing Game

I painted this gouache painting a little while back and several people have taken guesses at what the subject of the painting is, but none of them have been right. Can you guess what inspired it? Feel free to leave a comment below and take a shot at it! I’ll reveal the correct answer in the comments when someone guesses right!

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Physical Therapy and CFS

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Having CFS/ME really sucks sometimes. On Tuesday I went to my traction physical therapy appointment for my bulging disc in my neck and they asked me to do a few minutes of really easy, simple exercises that should have been a breeze. Instead, here I am, 35 years old, looking fairly healthy and fit, and yet, I had to constantly take breaks from even these few little stretching and postural exercises. It makes me feel like I’m really living in an 80-year-old body.

It is embarrassing as well, because I fear the judgment of those who see how little I am actually able to do. I worry they will just judge me as lazy or think I am just being difficult, which is entirely the opposite of my personality. I’m the kind of person who goes out of their way NOT to cause trouble or slow things down. I often wish other people really understood how crippling chronic fatigue syndrome can be. For instance, all my adult life I ALWAYS took a shower every single day and washed my hair. Now, I’m lucky if I can find the energy to wash my hair every other day, even though my OCD traits are going crazy at the change in my lifelong routine. Even typing these blog posts requires frequent breaks.

Sorry if this post seems a bit whiny, it just sometimes hits home over little simple things, how much my life is affected by my new physical limitations, and it is hard to accept.

* Art by Maranda Russell

I Got My First ArtSnacks Subscription Box!

So recently I decided that I really wanted to do an artist subscription box, both to inspire me to try new art mediums and tools and just for the sheer fun of getting a surprise in the mail each month! I received my first ArtSnacks box yesterday and here is what I got and a couple little ACEO artworks I made with the materials!

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What was included this month:

A Uni-Posca Brush Tip Paint Marker

2 Marabu Graphix Aqua Watercolor Pens

A Tombow Fudenosuke Soft Tip Brush Pen

A Sakura SumoGrip Mechanical Pencil

A Cherry Lifesaver (I do love the candy!)

My favorites are the watercolor pens, the soft tip brush pen, and the SumoGrip pencil! The Uni-Posca marker is the most expensive item in the box, but I don’t find it works as well as I had hoped.

Here are a couple little ACEO art trading cards I made with the materials from the box:

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New Year’s Goal – Fear and Appreciation

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I’m not going to call it a resolution, but I do have a goal for the coming year that I hope to work on, and somewhat it was inspired by my last visit with my psychiatrist. You see, I spend far too much time worrying about what would happen if my husband were to pass away. I have very good reasons for worrying about it (fear of homelessness being top), but it has almost overtaken my brain in many ways, probably partly due to OCD and partly just because it is my deepest fear.

Due to this fear, I feel like I have not even been enjoying the time I do have with my husband. I live in such fear of something happening to him and being left alone, that I almost live as if he is already gone sometimes, and that needs to stop. From now on, to the best of my ability, when those horrifying thoughts intrude of something happening to him, I will try my best to redirect my thoughts to thankfulness for having him in my life and for the good things we share right now. I know that won’t stop the fear from coming and it will probably be something I always struggle with, but if consciously choosing to appreciate him now means that we grow closer and both of us feel better, why in the world wouldn’t I try to do that?

– Art by Maranda Russell