Maranda Russell's Blog, page 101

Bodhi Sitting Time

Sometimes I sit around and wonder what my purpose in life is, especially right now when I am struggling with so many physical issues that it makes me feel useless, or like I can’t even live a ”regular” life. From what I have heard, this seems to be a common feeling among those suffering from chronic pain or illness, but it doesn’t make it any easier just by knowing it is normal. On bad days where I spend most of my time in bed or on the recliner, I do start to sink into depression and wonder, “Am I really making any difference in this life?” I worry about my impact on others - do I inspire people? Do I encourage people? Do I love enough?

Tonight though, while I was meditating/praying in the bathtub (something I do frequently), I came across an image that made me think maybe I am right where I am supposed to be. Although I am not a Buddhist by religion, I have always respected Buddha and his desire to ease the suffering of others and know the truth. I have often read about Buddha and the great amount of time he spent in self-imposed isolation sitting under the Bodhi tree, determined to stay there until he found some answers. In the traditional story, the evil one sent many distractions to Buddha (beautiful women, bad weather, demonic armies, etc.) to try to lure him away from finding enlightenment, but Buddha continued to sit, determined to become wiser. Eventually, his persistence did pay off and he was granted great wisdom and became known as Buddha, which means “The Awakened One”.

Anyhow, this story flashback made me realize that maybe at this time in my life I am in my own Bodhi sitting phase. Perhaps there is a reason why my illness has come at the same time that I have a strong desire to grow spiritually and find greater wisdom and truth in life. With all the self-imposed downtime that chronic illness provides, I do have plenty of time to read, meditate, study, pray and think deeply. I still hope this illness won’t last forever, I would eventually like to be able to do more and return to a somewhat normal lifestyle, but for now, maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself for what I’m not able to do. Perhaps, I should focus on what I can do and let the changes happen on the inside for a while.

Why I consider myself an outsider artist…and am proud to be one!

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One of my most recent artworks, “Blood Relations” in pen and ink.

For a while, I really struggled to find a place in the art world. I wasn’t sure where I fit in. I have no formal training (other than the art classes I had in elementary and middle school), so I am almost entirely self-taught. I have read some artistic “how to” books, but always tend to kind of do my own thing and follow my own style. Even when it comes to picking art tools and supplies, I don’t necessarily go for the “high art” stuff that costs an arm and a leg. For pen and ink work, I tend to use Sharpie markers and pens and for painting, I use moderately priced acrylic and watercolor paints and usually paint on art board (a sturdy kind of cardboard). I do indulge a bit and get good quality sketching pencils, but they don’t cost all that much anyhow. For colored pencil/crayon work I have used high-priced “artistic” brands, but still kind of prefer the old fashioned Crayola honestly.

So when I heard about the genre of outsider art and that it generally refers to self-taught artists, I was immediately interested. I found out that outsider art is also often linked to artists who suffer from mental illnesses or disabilities, which fits me great since I have high-functioning autism and due to that, may tend to look at the world a bit differently than neurotypicals. Of course, I also have troubles with anxiety and depression, so I may qualify on both counts!

Lastly, I have read that outsider artists generally don’t create for the sake of “selling” their art or obtaining commercial work, but instead make art that is meaningful and appealing to them personally, even if it means not selling much work. In no way do I look down on artists who take on commercial projects or create with an eye to selling (everyone has to eat after all), but I myself struggle to do a good job on any artwork that doesn’t cooperate with my passionate Aspie obsessive interests. I am thrilled when I do sell artwork because it means I have kindred souls out there…and that excites me even more than any financial payoff.

So there you have it, my take on outsider art and why I feel I fit in that category. I know there are many art experts who sit around and debate what true outsider art is and if it even exists, but for me, the outsider art community has made me feel at home…and maybe that matters most of all.

 

Art, pop, garbage and meditation – the stuff that is my life!

Just a quick update about some stuff that has been going on in my life!

1) I have sold several artworks recently and am thrilled about it! It seems like more and more people are connecting with my art and that makes me so happy.

2) I have made a huge leap towards better health habits by almost entirely cutting pop out of my diet. I have been wanting to make the change for a while, but was pretty much addicted to Coca Cola. Finally, I just decided to go cold turkey and have felt quite a bit better physically. I do think it has helped my CFS and Fibromyalgia flare-ups quite a bit. Definitely something I would recommend to others who suffer from similar problems.

3) Call me the garbage lady Recently I have really been making an effort to make the world and especially natural areas better by simply taking the time to occasionally pick up trash and litter that others have left behind. I know this may sound odd, but I actually LIKE picking up trash. Why? Because it makes me feel like I am making a difference. Not only is it a chance to help keep beautiful places beautiful, but to take care of all living things by removing things that could cause them harm. For instance, while at the riverside the other day, I found an intact glass Christmas ornament…no clue why it was there, but the thought that I could possibly save an animal or even a human from stepping on it and hurting themselves, really made me feel good.

4) I have started a daily mediation time and actually stuck to it for at least a couple weeks now and I can really feel the difference mentally, emotionally and physically. It doesn’t magically make all my problems disappear, but it makes me feel so good that the problems don’t seem like as big of a deal. My favorite kinds of meditation? Probably chakra healing and compassion/lovingkindess meditation.

Well, I know it isn’t the most exciting post in the world, but that is the stuff that is my life and right now, I feel that it is a pretty good life. As always, thank you to all of my family, friends, supporters and fans out there. I appreciate you all more than you know.

Why I, a longtime Christian, changed my views on homosexuality

I know that I am treading dangerous ground with this post. But I also know that many of my acquaintances, friends and family members have been shocked that I, a longtime Christian, have changed my stance on homosexuality and they want to know why (some have outright asked, others have only hinted around the issue, but I know they wonder). For that reason, I am writing this post. This is not in any way an attempt to change anyone’s mind about the issue. I know I don’t have the power to do that even if I wanted to. This is about my personal spiritual journey and beliefs. Making the decision to change has not been easy. I knew it would make some people angry, that many of my former friends would snub me over the issue and that some would call me an outright heretic. I accept that…as long as I truly feel that I am doing the right thing.

So now on to the reasons why my beliefs have changed. There was a time many years ago I had no doubts about the whole “homosexuality is a sin” belief. It was what I had always been taught in church, so I figured it must be true. However, as I grew older I started to question many things about the belief. I studied both sides of the issue thoroughly. I read books written by folks on both sides of the fence. I checked out the New Testament verses about homosexuality in Greek to see what might have originally been meant. I wrestled with my conscious and my guilt complex from all the years of hellfire and brimstone teaching. And in the end, I knew my beliefs had to change. Here are the reasons why:

1) I came to see the hypocrisy in taking the few new testament passages about homosexuality so literally, while we easily excuse and make exceptions for other phrases that we do not like in the new testament. You know, the sections that say that anyone who divorces and remarries commits adultery and the sections that say that women should be quiet in church and are not permitted to teach. Or that women should not have “braided hair, gold, pearls or costly garments” and that women shame their husbands if they refuse to wear a head covering when they pray. These statements are very clear in the Bible and at one time were taken literally but as the church evolved, we realized these beliefs were hurtful, confining, judgemental and unfair. How about the sections that say that slaves should be obedient to their masters? Obviously the Christians helping the slaves escape from the south during the civil war ignored this teaching and thank God they did! The same could be said about the old testament, but since I am a Christian and not a Jew, I am focusing mostly on the new testament since it is under the “new covenant”.

2) The concept of a same-sex, loving, monogamous relationship did not exist in the public mind in the times of the new testament. The public image of homosexuality that did exist (from what I understand), was the practice of having homosexual relations in certain pagan belief rituals, which obviously would have been looked down on by a religion that wanted to separate themselves from the pagan religions. In ancient Greek culture there were also homosexual prostitutes (which is probably why some uses of the word “homosexuals” in the new testament may be better translated as “male prostitute”) and a practice called pederasty which is a lot like our idea of child molestation today. None of the things that the Christians were upset about back then would have been anything like the situation we have today – consenting, monogamous, loving same-sex couples who only want the same rights every other couple has.

3) I really do believe that people do not “choose” to be gay. They are made that way. Science seems to support this belief more and more. But more than that, my personal experience has made me believe this. I’ve seen some who really tried, with all their hearts to become straight, but they couldn’t change who they are. No one wants to be hated, called names, snubbed by their family, condemned or mistreated. Being straight would be SO MUCH easier in this world. But we are who we are. I’ve known Christians who fervently loved God but were gay. Many tried to “pray the gay away” and force themselves into heterosexual relationships…to no avail. In the end, they normally ended up giving it up and walking away from the church entirely or being miserable and hating themselves.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly I want to talk about a little thing called grace. Jesus came to bring grace and forgiveness. He came to show the way. Does that mean he wants us to read the Bible looking for reasons to condemn people? Should we throw out all the “sinners” from the church? All those who lust (because according to Jesus that is the same thing as adultery), all those Christians who become enraged and angry (because Jesus said this makes you subject to judgement), any Christian who has hatred in their heart (because 1 John says that is the same thing as murder), anyone who is divorced and remarried, etc, etc. Maybe, just maybe, we should strive to extend grace to others like God gives it to us…

Having communication problems doesn’t mean that we don’t have feelings!

Last night I had an interesting dream about someone I hadn’t thought about in a long, long time. In this dream, I was once again being antagonized by a boy I knew many years ago in my early teen years. This boy really hurt my feelings more than he will probably ever know. Although he was around me a lot and even hung out some with the same friends I did, he made it clear almost from the start that he did not like me. Now, I will have to be fair and say that at least he wasn’t like the girl bullies I knew who were passive aggressive and exceptionally cruel at times. Instead, he was very upfront about his feelings concerning me. What hurt was how misunderstood he made me feel.

You see, I didn’t know at the time that I had Asperger’s Syndrome (a type of autism), so I had no clue that I was neurologically different than most people, nor did I understand that I was very ignorant of social norms and such. This boy took a dislike to me because I was “weird” and would say so right out loud in front of everyone. He would also explain how it didn’t matter what anyone said or did to me because I had no feelings and nobody would ever hurt me. To him, this justified any ill treatment of me. He thought since I didn’t cry or get visibly angry or show other strong emotions that I felt nothing. But he was wrong. Very wrong.

I felt it all very deeply, I just didn’t know how to respond or react. I often wanted to dispute his feelings and make him see who I really was, but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t sure how to put my feelings and emotions into words. I could easily discuss practical or logical matters and personal interests, but when it came to putting my feelings into words and sharing them I was often mute.

I still have those problems to this day. Often, by the time I do figure out my feelings and how to express them, it is long after an event or discussion has ended, so I feel that I should just keep them to myself because I don’t want to dredge it all back up or I just honestly think the people involved really don’t care to hear what I have to say. Sometimes I do try to talk to someone long after something occurs in an effort just to try to help them understand me better, but often those conversations turn into them thinking I am just immature and unforgiving. They don’t understand that I don’t want to discuss a situation until I feel confident that I can understand and express my feelings. They also often misread or misinterpret what I say and feel, making me feel like the bad guy, which makes me less likely to keep trying.

So in case you were wondering what my point is, please keep in mind that some people may not outwardly show strong feelings and emotions, they may not even know how to decipher their emotions right away…but it doesn’t mean they do not have them just as strongly as you do. And know that many people with problems like mine are walking around undiagnosed (especially the women) and may not get a diagnosis for a long, long time. They may have no idea why they react the way they do either. So please just be careful when throwing around labels like “weird”, “immature”, “selfish”, “unfeeling”, “uncaring”, etc. You may not know it, but you could be very, very wrong and deeply hurting a gentle, caring human being who just has a few communication problems that make life far more confusing.

Attn: Original artwork for sale!

One of my pieces already listed for sale on ebay. More coming soon!

Hi everyone! Just a quick note to let you all know that I have decided to start selling some of my original artwork on ebay! Most of the artwork I will be selling are pieces done on paper in either colored pencil or marker. My style is typically something akin to children’s illustrations/cartoons, so it might be a great place to look for original artwork to decorate a child’s room with. Please note that the artwork is NOT framed, but could easily be framed.

Also note that if I start to turn a profit from selling my artwork, I hope to donate some if not all of the extra income to charity (most likely charities that help animals, children or those with autism and other disabilities). So please feel free to check out my ebay account!

I was a paranoid kid…is that normal?

Tonight I’ve been thinking about what a paranoid kid I used to be. I started thinking about the subject when 3 of my cats started acting totally crazy tonight. For some reason they are agitated, anxious messes tonight and they seem to think there is something scary in one area of the house, even though I see nothing there. It was starting to creep me out a bit since I am the only adult awake in the house right now. So those thoughts brought back childhood fears and paranoid delusions. Now I am wondering is every kid the freaked out mess I was? Here are a few examples:

As a kid I firmly believed that Satan lived under my bed. I have no recollection of where this idea came from, but it was firm. If I happened to have an arm or a leg hanging over the edge of the bed at night, I believed that was an invitation to Satan to grab hold of me and pull me under into Hell. Even after all these years, I still find myself unconsciously trying to keep from having an arm or leg dangle off the bed
I also believed that at night three witches would meet in my room to brew potions and cast spells. As long as they thought I was asleep, I thought I would be safe, but I knew if they noticed I was awake, they would have to kill me.
One of my childhood friends (I can’t remember who) told me that Freddy Krueger could get to you through the bath tub drain. His metal hand would come up and slice you to death right in the tub. For that reason I was super scared to take a bath for a while.
Then there were my dreams. One of a group of nuns abducting me, tying me up and sewing my mouth shut so I couldn’t scream. Another of Jesus visiting and turning into Satan right before my eyes. The one where my mom and dad were getting married in my grandparent’s yard and Satan showed up, wrapped his cape around them and took them to Hell in a fiery exit. And last, but not least, the great cosmic dream where God and Satan fought a major battle over my living room coffee table (apparently it was their biggest fight to date for some reason). Can you tell yet, that I seemed to have a childhood obsession with Satan for some reason? Maybe it was because my grandfather was a hellfire and brimstone preacher…honestly, I really don’t remember why I feared Satan so much.

So what do you think? Was I extra-neurotic as a kid or are these pretty common fears among children? What were your weird fears as a kid?

Children’s Book Review, “To the Cider Mill”

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Author Danna York holding a copy of “To the Cider Mill”

As you might have noticed, I have been on a bit of an art kick lately, so today’s featured book is a great pick since it is very artistic, as well as literary. It is also very timely because autumn is quickly sneaking up on us, so I know teachers and parents are already looking ahead to plan fall activities and excursions. Now on to the review…

“To the Cider Mill” by Danna York is actually three books in one! That might sound a little crazy, but it is true. For the price of one book, your child gets a coloring book, a sketch book and a rhyming picture book story about the fun childhood experience of visiting a cider mill!

While the book is about the size and shape of a typical children’s coloring book, the setup is a little unusual. For each double-page spread, you have one page with a fun, harvest themed picture to color and a little rhyming verse at the bottom and on the other page you have a mostly blank space for children to create their own pictures with a little suggested drawing exercise. The suggested drawing exercises go along with the rhyme and illustration on the adjoining page and are generally fall-themed as well.

I really liked the concept of this book and think it would be a great gift for creative kids everywhere. I could easily see this book being used in a preschool or elementary classroom, for any kind of artistic group or to bring extra excitement to that annual trip to your own local cider mill. It would also make a great keepsake for parents, grandparents and other loved ones.

If you are interested in more information about “To the Cider Mill” or would like to order a copy, please visit the author’s Facebook page or email her at yorktim@att.net.

New ebook release! “Through the Eyes of a Child: An Aspie’s Art Journal”

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One of the many pictures featured in my art journal. Find out how this painting and many other pictures were inspired!

Hello everyone! I just wanted to take a few minutes today to tell you all about my newest Kindle ebook release! This ebook is entitled “Through the Eyes of a Child: An Aspie’s Art Journal” and is available from Amazon for only $.99!

In case you are wondering, “why an art journal”? It is because:

A) I love art! I love to create art, I love to share my art and I love to get feedback on my art. I also love to inspire others to create their own art and celebrate the amazing power of human creativity.

B) I wanted to share my own creative process and the way my “Aspie” brain works. Many times having Asperger’s is thought of as a negative thing, like there is something really wrong with us. However, I think having Asperger’s definitely has some upsides, including our different way of looking at things and the way we manage to keep that innocent, naïve spirit that most people lose once they reach adulthood. Sometimes others see this innocence as childishness, but I prefer to think of it as child-likeness. With the heart of a child, we retain the natural creativity, joy, independence, optimism and kindness that is missing in so much of the world today. The world needs us Aspies!

So, if you get the chance to check out my little ebook, I hope you will. Hopefully, it will entertain you with some colorful artwork, but more importantly, I hope it will inspire you to let your own inner child come out and play.

When you are sick, but no one understands…living with CFS

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“Painful Descent”, an expressionistic picture representing the downward spiral into chronic pain that many of us suffer.

Today’s subject is inspired both by my personal experiences with health issues and the experiences of others I know or have known that suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis). Although I myself have not been formally diagnosed with CFS, my doctor has ruled out many other autoimmune conditions and it is looking more and more likely that CFS may be the culprit. Of course, this post is one that many others who have an “invisible illness” will be able to identify with. Please remember that just because someone doesn’t look ill on the surface, doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering or fighting a tough battle.

So, what do you think of when you hear the words Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Do you call it the ”Yuppie Flu” like so many others have in the past? Do you think these people are lazy, faking it for attention or all hypochondriacs? I hope not, but if you do, maybe some facts might change your mind. For instance, did you know that fatigue is actually just one of many symptoms of CFS? In fact, you have to have multiple symptoms to even qualify for a CFS diagnosis. Here is a list of some of the symptoms of CFS that afflict most sufferers to one extent or another:

Incapacitating fatigue for no apparent reason
Extreme fatigue after exercise or exertion
Sleep problems
Pain in joints
Muscle aches and muscle weakness
Chronic infections that are hard to cure
Sore throat and ear pain
Severe headaches
Constantly swollen lymph nodes
Nausea and IBS symptoms
Constant flu-like symptoms
Mental fogginess
Chest pain
Numbness
New or worsening allergies
Sensitivity to noise, light, odors, foods, chemicals, medications, heat and cold
Irregular heartbeat
Hypotension, possibly fainting
Dizziness
Depression and anxiety

And those are just SOME of the symptoms! I personally have experienced all of the above symptoms, some worse than others, but I am still one of the lucky ones with CFS. I can still get out of bed without fainting and I can still walk and do some normal activities on good days. Some people with CFS can’t climb a flight of stairs to the second floor of their home and some sufferers almost never leave their bed or home (especially those who have severe hypotension and fainting).

Also, for those who think this illness is all in the head, did you know that there have been reported outbreaks of CFS in communities where hundreds of people came down with it all at once and suffered severely from it for at least 5 to 10 years? This research leads scientists to believe that at least some cases of CFS are actually caused by a virus that really messes up the immune system for some reason. Although some CFS sufferers do eventually feel better, only a small percentage will fully improve and never have symptoms again. There is also no tried and true treatment so far. Treatment options currently used include antidepressants, stimulants, exercise, nutrition plans and various other alternative approaches. Although some of these treatments do help some people, there are still many CFS sufferers who have found nothing that helps them. Perhaps that is why the suicide rate for those with CFS is high compared with many other physical ailments.

So, after reading all that, has your view of CFS and those who suffer from it changed at all?