Catherine Townsend's Blog, page 4

Keep your heart open, but your wallet closed. When Meatlo...

Keep your heart open, but your wallet closed. When Meatloaf sang ‘I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that’ I’m guessing he was talking about sending money to a stranger. Resist the urge to break out the tiny violins for sob stories. You wouldn’t give wads of cash to someone you just met in a bar would you? If your answer was yes, let me know where you hang out.

Dear Bride-to-Be, Please Stop Talking About Your Wedding. Because No One Cares.

I’m more than willing to share the love on your special day. But after reading yet another story about the rising cost of being a bridesmaid, it’s time for a reality check.

Look, I think it’s great that you are entering the Vatican in a horse-drawn carriage covered with Swarovski crystals. But I would still rather stab myself through the hand with a fork than discuss your invitation fonts.  

It’s nothing personal. I was just born without the bridal gene. While my girlfriends spent their childhood walking their Barbies down the aisle, I drove off in the dream car with two Kens.  Then I grew up and discovered that engagement jewelry could unleash a dark power on formerly sane women. They assured me that I, too, would ‘get it’ and behave like the little monster from the Lord of the Rings someday. Fast forward twenty years: I got engaged to an amazing man whose heart was set on a big wedding. But even after our ’City Hall and a bottle of tequila’ turned into a Vera Wang ball gown and a Vows story in the New York Times, the only people really emotionally invested in the details were blood relatives, people I paid to help, and brides-to-be on Pinterest. That’s just the way I like it—and here’s why:

1. Weddings are boring. Your wedding is not a Justin Bieber concert. It may be the most momentous event of your lives as a couple, but to everyone else it’s just dinner. Personalized menus and a photo booth aren’t going to change that. This is why, no matter how much your guests love you, at least 20 percent of them will be wondering when your uncle’s speech will end so that they can ditch out and watch Homeland.  This goes up to 80 percent if you make people wait too long for food or booze.  After the vows, bring on the vodka.

2. Weddings are overrated. I kept getting offended when people referred to my wedding as ‘the most important day of my life’. Really? What about the day I found out my book was a bestseller; the day I got my first big job and the day I had my first orgasm? That one definitely deserved a specialty cake. Weddings are like New Year’s Eve: Sometimes the more you build things up; the more disappointed you are if they aren’t perfect. If you really want to have the happiest day of your life, go in expecting nothing more than an amazing celebration with the person you love. You’re more likely to notice the small beautiful moments and not nitpick flaws.

3.Your wedding is not unique. If you want to get married in a crypt on Halloween, go for it. But everything from Goth to The Little Mermaid has been done before. So don’t stress, spend tons of money or put on a pirate hat because you feel pressured to ‘create an experience’.  This also applies to the wedding website. People go there to get hotel info and directions. We already know how the ‘how we met’ stories end: You get married. And they are edited for content—you won’t see ‘Tom and Angela’s knew they were meant for each other after that first night of drunk sex in a public bathroom’. In my experience, most weddings blur together—except the ones where something goes horribly wrong. Of the hundreds of weddings I’ve attended, the two most memorable moments were a hawk attacking someone and a drunk ex actually speaking after the minister said ‘forever hold your peace’.   So don’t obsess over the cocktail napkin color. Enjoy each other. And for crying out loud, eat the food!

4.Your wedding isn’t all about you. This is really a nice way of saying ‘get over yourself’. Let’s face it: If you really just wanted to focus on the two of you, you would elope. Planning a party for hundreds of guests involves taking other people into consideration. This is especially true with destination weddings. As long as you remember that the harder it is for people to get there, the fewer guests you will have, you’re fine.  But expecting people to shell out lots of money and vacation days is the quickest way to make people hate you. Unless you expect a separate destination bachelorette weekend first, in which case they hate you already. Of course you can’t make everyone happy. But is one day worth alienating friends, family and your fiance? I’ve seen it happen, and it’s not pretty.

5. Your bridesmaids are doing you a favor. In return, pick something that doesn’t cost a bomb and/or make them look fat. Or let them choose themselves. I told my bridesmaids to show up in whatever they wanted. They looked gorgeous—and happy—in all of the photos. Don’t stick them at the Singles Table From Hell next to your creepy uncle with the lazy eye.  And if you’re over 30, you really may want to re-think subjecting your single female friends to that special form of public torture that is the bouquet toss.

Wedding planning isn’t about being a princess. It’s really about compromise, a skill that you will use every day in your life together. Knowing that no one is going to care as much as you do means you can let go of the crazy expectations, and bring the focus of the day back to where it should be: On you and the person you love. So if your father in law throws a punch or the released doves poop on the wedding party you won’t fall apart. If you can handle disasters together and stay calm in the face of adversity, you’re well on your way to a great marriage—and a real happily ever after.

“In the future, women aspire to look like cats”

- Time traveler from 1970s walking in present-day Beverly Hills

“In the future,…

“In the future, women aspire to look like cats” : Time traveler from 1970s walking in present-day Beverly Hills

Catfishing 101

The world was shocked when Deadspin reported this week that Notre Dame senior linebacker Manti T’eo may have been the victim of an Internet ‘catfish’. After it emerged that the ‘girlfriend’ who supposedly had cancer and died never really existed at all, he released a statement claiming he was the “victim of what was apparently someone’s sick joke and constant lies.”

But not me. As a relationship writer and private investigator in training, I sadly see this scenario play out every day.  It’s a version of the same story: Boy emails girl. Boy can’t meet, ever, but he has a plausible excuse. He’s stranded in Nigeria where his oil rig exploded. He’s waiting for his inheritance. He has a hook for a hand. Girl wires huge amounts of money before realizing she’s been screwed.

According to the Internet Crime Complaint Center, love scams cost victims $50 million in 2011. It’s impossible to calculate how many hours of their lives were lost to dreaming, emailing, and talking to someone who doesn’t exist. Many victims don’t come forward because they are afraid that they will look stupid.

They are right. Because love makes us all stupid. Think about it: Falling in love is chemically similar in the brain to doing a line of cocaine. Would you make any other major life decision while high?

The FBI has published guidelines on how to avoid Internet scams. But none of the sleuthing techniques will work if you don’t change yourself, and understand that ‘soft-hearted’ doesn’t have to be synonymous with sucker. Once you can weed out the crazy people, dating becomes a lot more fun.

Scamming can happen to anyone. Very recently I had doubts about my network executive friend’s new man, a wealthy investor she met online. Looking through his exotic vacation shots in St. Tropez and Cannes I noticed that he was wearing the same black suit in every picture—and cast no shadow. Either her guy was a vampire, or he Photoshopped his entire life from his basement! Further digging showed he a criminal record, and his ‘investing’ was code for compulsive gambling. Luckily she didn’t waste too much time, because I had his mug shot before cocktail hour.

If you’re drunk on dopamine, consider this your reality bitch slap.  As someone who has been scammed herself, trust me, you need it.

1.  Dump Prince Charming.  My first boyfriend was a hot French guy who should have been a Lifetime Movie of the Week. He told me that he had to go on secret missions for the government, and had a wife who died in a tragic scuba diving accident. I should have realized immediately that James Bond had a desk job and made up the dead wife to avoid commitment, but even though his story was crazy I bought into the sexy spy fantasy. Now I know that John Cusack is not going to show up outside my window with a boom box, and if he did I would probably slap him with a restraining order. Of course scammers should be stopped. But they are able to suck us in because victims don’t want to lose the fantasy. Detectives have a saying ‘if it seems too good to be true, it probably is’. Think about it: Would a neurosurgeon Daniel Craig look-alike really be home every night calling someone he’s never met?

2. Keep your heart open, but your wallet closed. When Meatloaf sang ‘I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that’ I’m guessing he was talking about sending money to a stranger. D’Teo’s pseudo girlfriend supposedly had cancer and was in a car crash. When your online lover Vlad tells you that his daughter needs reconstructive surgery after her face was torn off by that silverback gorilla, resist the urge to break out the small violins. Never, ever give money to a stranger. You wouldn’t give wads of cash to someone you just met in a bar would you? If your answer was yes, let me know where you hang out.

3. Everyone lies online. Even me. I actually hate long walks on the beach. Men add inches to height and zeros to their bank balance and women subtract years and pounds.  But if you learn to treat online dating like FBI profiling, the worst thing that can happen is finding yourself sitting across from someone who looks like he ate the person in his profile–not losing your life savings. When I kept getting emails from an account with a stunning woman on a beach, I noticed that she seemed to have friends with only one static picture on their pages. Then I did a reverse image search by plugging her photo into Tineye and Google Images, and saw that the photo was actually supermodel Bar Refaeli. Verify your facts with reliable sources. Is his company page professional, or does it looks like it was set up in mom’s basement? Have you been to his office? Is her business listed with the Better Business Bureau? If she’s a doctor, lawyer or any other profession that has a board, is she a member?

4. Forget following your heart. Trust your gut instead. These are the hairs that stand up on the back of your neck. Don’t get those confused with organs farther south. Remember, infatuation messes with the chemicals in our head. We are temporarily insane. Plan accordingly.

5. If they won’t meet, hit delete. Scammers often have excuses for needing a long email courtship, like working abroad or being trapped in a well. But I’ve translated the detective agency’s ‘get the money first’ rule into dating by implementing a Cappuccino Consultation Fee. If he can’t shell out the small price to meet you for a cup of coffee (or at least a webcam) he’s hiding something. Like a hunchback. Or a wife and kids.   Yes, I know that online dating can lead to long-term love, but don’t let anyone waste weeks of your time before meeting in person—or at least on Skype or webcam.

6. Get a life.  I get it. You’re depressed. You’ve just gone through a breakup and your Facebook stalking has confirmed that your ex is dating a hottie. I’ve been there! Even though you want the world to know that you are ready for romance with the next available bipedal mammal, don’t create a profile with a name like SoulMate4U or NewlyDivorcedDiva. That’s because con men are sharks, and your desperation is blood in the water. You have a fabulous life, and you deserve someone great. Repeat this until you believe it!

7. Don’t settle.  Don’t let your obsession with a fairy tale keep you from a great reality. I still don’t have all of the answers, but I’ve learned the hard way to not be afraid of asking questions. An honest person will want to put you at ease. The men and women who show up every day may fart as often as they make flowery declarations, but they will be real.

Once you learn the difference between people you want to handcuff to the bed and the ones who need to be handcuffed in the back of a police car, you’re on your way to a happy ending–for real.

In the future, dating is even scarier.

If you had the technology to get in touch with a dead boyfriend, would you do it? Loving the new Black Mirror trailer. Bummed I can’t see the show here

Elle.com: Why the only ‘half-full’ glass I want to see contains Jack Daniels

“Come on, give me a smile!” I was hungover and hiding behind sunglasses. The Starbucks barista was the only thing standing between me and my morning coffee, so I tried my best. “Have a nice day, and don’t forget to think positive!” Since moving to Los Angeles, my pre-latte existential crises were becoming more frequent. I was dealing with a pile of rejections, lack of friends, an empty savings account, three flat tires, a then-boyfriend who said he “couldn’t do commitment,” and a text from my mom saying the family pug died. But faking good cheer for a caffeine hit didn’t make me feel better. It only made me feelmore “positive” that I wanted to punch him in the face.

For several years I had lived in London, where moaning about the weather and public transportation is a national pastime. But here, in permanently sunny L.A., the real power cult isn’t Scientology. It’s The Secret. Norman Vincent Peale wrote “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” in his mega-bestseller The Power of Positive Thinking, telling us to make the best of bad situations and turn failure into opportunity. I get it: If I smile, project confidence, and take calculated risks, I vastly improve my chances of people wanting to hire, help, and sleep with me. According to the laws of attraction, imagining success will make it materialize. Conversely, if I fail, it’s my fault for attracting negativity. But in a town where, for every movie star immortalized on Hollywood Boulevard, there are 10,000 people whose only line of dialogue is “Would you like fries with that,” ignoring the possibility of failure doesn’t make sense. The more I try to get rid of a thought, whether it’s a Maroon 5 song or my mortgage, the more times it comes back.

“People treat failure like an infection and believe that if they spend too much time thinking about it they will ‘catch’ it, when in fact the reverse is true,” says Oliver Burkeman, author of The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking. He’s right. If I spend all my time telling myself that nothing could ever possibly go wrong, I am much more likely to freak out when it does.

Burkeman argues that “visualizing a worst-case scenario can actually be helpful.” The first time I tried this was on a plane during a thunderstorm. As a terrified flyer, I’d tried every technique under the sun to quell my fears. But all my attempts at trying to squelch my negative thoughts during turbulence just resulted in more anxiety. Finally I allowed myself to consider the (very small) possibility that we were going to die. Sounds disturbing, but these bad thoughts weren’t dangerous, and I realized I was okay. What would happen, then, if I dismounted this mental roller coaster of constantly convincing myself that everything was fine and started accepting my negative thoughts?

Experts are starting to see the positive side of negative thinking. University of Michigan researchers Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park have concluded that the pursuit of self-esteem often causes people to do the opposite of what they need to thrive and be successful. We end up self-sabotaging our goals. For instance— in my case as a writer—my fear of failure often leads to procrastination. The researchers go on to explain that the “emotional benefits of the pursuit of self-esteem outweigh the costs only if people can guarantee that they succeed more than they fail, perhaps by limiting their aspirations.” In other words, I have a choice: I can only put myself in situations where I know I won’t fail and feel good, or I can chase my dreams—which pretty much involves living outside my comfort zone. Being honest with my doubts makes it easier to risk having doors shut in my face these days because success and failure don’t define me—they are just part of learning.

My new piece on Elle.com: The Power of Negative Thinking

“Come on, give me a smile!” I was  hungover and hiding behind sunglasses. The Starbucks barista was the only thing standing between me and my morning coffee, so I tried my best. “Have a nice day, and don’t forget to think positive!” Since moving to Los Angeles, my pre-latte existential crises were becoming more frequent. I was dealing with a pile of rejections, lack of friends, an empty savings account, three flat tires, a then-boyfriend who said he “couldn’t do commitment,” and a text from my mom saying the family pug died. But faking good cheer for a caffeine hit didn’t make me feel better. It only made me feel more “positive” that I wanted to punch him in the face.For several years I had lived in London, where moaning about the weather and public transportation is a national pastime. But here, in permanently sunny L.A., the real power cult isn’t Scientology. It’s The Secret. Norman Vincent Peale wrote “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” in his mega-bestseller The Power of Positive Thinking, telling us to make the best of bad situations and turn failure into opportunity. I get it: If I smile, project confidence, and take calculated risks, I vastly improve my chances of people wanting to hire, help, and sleep with me. According to the laws of attraction, imagining success will make it materialize. Conversely, if I fail, it’s my fault for attracting negativity. But in a town where, for every movie star immortalized on Hollywood Boulevard, there are 10,000 people whose only line of dialogue is “Would you like fries with that,” ignoring the possibility of failure doesn’t make sense. The more I try to get rid of a thought, whether it’s a Maroon 5 song or my mortgage, the more times it comes back.“People treat failure like an infection and believe that if they spend too much time thinking about it they will ‘catch’ it, when in fact the reverse is true,” says Oliver Burkeman, author of The Antidote: Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking. He’s right. If I spend all my time telling myself that nothing could ever possibly go wrong, I am much more likely to freak out when it does.

Burkeman argues that “visualizing a worst-case scenario can actually be helpful.” The first time I tried this was on a plane during a thunderstorm. As a terrified flyer, I’d tried every technique under the sun to quell my fears. But all my attempts at trying to squelch my negative thoughts during turbulence just resulted in more anxiety. Finally I allowed myself to consider the (very small) possibility that we were going to die. Sounds disturbing, but these bad thoughts weren’t dangerous, and I realized I was okay. What would happen, then, if I dismounted this mental roller coaster of constantly convincing myself that everything was fine and started accepting my negative thoughts?

Experts are starting to see the positive side of negative thinking. University of Michigan researchers Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park have concluded that the pursuit of self-esteem often causes people to do the opposite of what they need to thrive and be successful. We end up self-sabotaging our goals. For instance— in my case as a writer—my fear of failure often leads to procrastination. The researchers go on to explain that the “emotional benefits of the pursuit of self-esteem outweigh the costs only if people can guarantee that they succeed more than they fail, perhaps by limiting their aspirations.” In other words, I have a choice: I can only put myself in situations where I know I won’t fail and feel good, or I can chase my dreams—which pretty much involves living outside my comfort zone. Being honest with my doubts makes it easier to risk having doors shut in my face these days because success and failure don’t define me—they are just part of learning.

Catfishing 101

The world was shocked when Deadspin reported this week that Notre Dame senior linebacker Manti T’eo may have been the victim of an Internet ‘catfish’. After it emerged that the ‘girlfriend’ who supposedly had cancer and died never really existed at all, he released a statement claiming he was the “victim of what was apparently someone’s sick joke and constant lies.”

But not me. As a relationship writer and private investigator in training, I sadly see this scenario play out every day.  It’s a version of the same story: Boy emails girl. Boy can’t meet, ever, but he has a plausible excuse. He’s stranded in Nigeria where his oil rig exploded. He’s waiting for his inheritance. He has a hook for a hand. Girl wires huge amounts of money before realizing she’s been screwed.

According to the Internet Crime Complaint Center, love scams cost victims $50 million in 2011. It’s impossible to calculate how many hours of their lives were lost to dreaming, emailing, and talking to someone who doesn’t exist. Many victims don’t come forward because they are afraid that they will look stupid.

They are right. Because love makes us all stupid. Think about it: Falling in love is chemically similar in the brain to doing a line of cocaine. Would you make any other major life decision while high?

The FBI has published guidelines on how to avoid Internet scams. But none of the sleuthing techniques will work if you don’t change yourself, and understand that ‘soft-hearted’ doesn’t have to be synonymous with sucker. Once you can weed out the crazy people, dating becomes a lot more fun.

Scamming can happen to anyone. Very recently I had doubts about my network executive friend’s new man, a wealthy investor she met online. Looking through his exotic vacation shots in St. Tropez and Cannes I noticed that he was wearing the same black suit in every picture—and cast no shadow. Either her guy was a vampire, or he Photoshopped his entire life from his basement! Further digging showed he a criminal record, and his ‘investing’ was code for compulsive gambling. Luckily she didn’t waste too much time, because I had his mug shot before cocktail hour.

If you’re drunk on dopamine, consider this your reality bitch slap.  As someone who has been scammed herself, trust me, you need it.

1.  Dump Prince Charming.  My first boyfriend was a hot French guy who should have been a Lifetime Movie of the Week. He told me that he had to go on secret missions for the government, and had a wife who died in a tragic scuba diving accident. I should have realized immediately that James Bond had a desk job and made up the dead wife to avoid commitment, but even though his story was crazy I bought into the sexy spy fantasy. Now I know that John Cusack is not going to show up outside my window with a boom box, and if he did I would probably slap him with a restraining order. Of course scammers should be stopped. But they are able to suck us in because victims don’t want to lose the fantasy. Detectives have a saying ‘if it seems too good to be true, it probably is’. Think about it: Would a neurosurgeon Daniel Craig look-alike really be home every night calling someone he’s never met?

2. Keep your heart open, but your wallet closed. When Meatloaf sang ‘I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that’ I’m guessing he was talking about sending money to a stranger. D’Teo’s pseudo girlfriend supposedly had cancer and was in a car crash. When your online lover Vlad tells you that his daughter needs reconstructive surgery after her face was torn off by that silverback gorilla, resist the urge to break out the small violins. Never, ever give money to a stranger. You wouldn’t give wads of cash to someone you just met in a bar would you? If your answer was yes, let me know where you hang out.

3. Everyone lies online. Even me. I actually hate long walks on the beach. Men add inches to height and zeros to their bank balance and women subtract years and pounds.  But if you learn to treat online dating like FBI profiling, the worst thing that can happen is finding yourself sitting across from someone who looks like he ate the person in his profile–not losing your life savings. When I kept getting emails from an account with a stunning woman on a beach, I noticed that she seemed to have friends with only one static picture on their pages. Then I did a reverse image search by plugging her photo into Tineye and Google Images, and saw that the photo was actually supermodel Bar Refaeli. Verify your facts with reliable sources. Is his company page professional, or does it looks like it was set up in mom’s basement? Have you been to his office? Is her business listed with the Better Business Bureau? If she’s a doctor, lawyer or any other profession that has a board, is she a member?

4. Forget following your heart. Trust your gut instead. These are the hairs that stand up on the back of your neck. Don’t get those confused with organs farther south. Remember, infatuation messes with the chemicals in our head. We are temporarily insane. Plan accordingly.

5. If they won’t meet, hit delete. Scammers often have excuses for needing a long email courtship, like working abroad or being trapped in a well. But I’ve translated the detective agency’s ‘get the money first’ rule into dating by implementing a Cappuccino Consultation Fee. If he can’t shell out the small price to meet you for a cup of coffee (or at least a webcam) he’s hiding something. Like a hunchback. Or a wife and kids.   Yes, I know that online dating can lead to long-term love, but don’t let anyone waste weeks of your time before meeting in person—or at least on Skype or webcam.

6. Get a life.  I get it. You’re depressed. You’ve just gone through a breakup and your Facebook stalking has confirmed that your ex is dating a hottie. I’ve been there! Even though you want the world to know that you are ready for romance with the next available bipedal mammal, don’t create a profile with a name like SoulMate4U or NewlyDivorcedDiva. That’s because con men are sharks, and your desperation is blood in the water. You have a fabulous life, and you deserve someone great. Repeat this until you believe it!

7. Don’t settle.  Don’t let your obsession with a fairy tale keep you from a great reality. I still don’t have all of the answers, but I’ve learned the hard way to not be afraid of asking questions. An honest person will want to put you at ease. The men and women who show up every day may fart as often as they make flowery declarations, but they will be real.

Once you learn the difference between people you want to handcuff to the bed and the ones who need to be handcuffed in the back of a police car, you’re on your way to a happy ending–for real.

My 25 Relationship Resolutions for 2013 on Elle.com

We’ve all been here before: We start the year with the best of intentions to lose weight, save money, or stop drinking, only to start February on the couch with champagne and cupcakes. Resolving to improve our relationships in little ways, however, is more realistic than we think. Below are 25 of them—whether we’re single, dating, or deeply committed.

1. Apply CEO logic to your relationship. Mega-successful people don’t dwell on their failures; they treat them as learning opportunities. Think: What if that bad breakup was the best thing that ever happened to you?

2. Shut the bathroom door. You can’t maintain sexy mystique if he can see hair remover on the sink or talk to you while you are on the toilet.

3. Say you’re sorry. Love means always having to say this. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, we worry too much about being right and forget that we’re on the same team. But you never “win” a fight if the other person walks away miserable.

4. Go to your girlfriends instead of your man to vent. For women, talking about problems releases the “feel-good” oxytocin hormone and lowers stress levels, while men just get tired and frustrated. Go to him when you need suggestions for a solution.

5. Snuggle more. When it comes to long-term relationship health, snuggling is just as important as sex. Both release the “cuddle” hormone oxytocin that makes us pair-bond, but snuggling also lowers stress and blood pressure, feels good, and makes you feel connected.

6. Eat and work out like you’re single. Of course we want someone who loves us “no matter what,” but living in sweatpants with pizza delivery on speed dial sends the message that we’ve stopped putting in the effort.

7. Talk about money. Pretend you are getting a pre-nup (and if you are getting married, get one for real). Throw everything on the table: Ask about income, debt, and financial goals. Financial incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce, so you’d be wise to know if you plan out every purchase while your significant other stuffs bills in the back of a drawer.

8. Figure out what you want. Remember that relationships aren’t slot machines. Continuing to invest in something that isn’t paying out doesn’t increase your odds of hitting the jackpot in the end. Instead of waiting around for something to change, be honest about what you want—with the people you are dating and with yourself.

9. Ask questions. Fear is the reason why people wait years to find out that someone doesn’t want to get married or have children. The question you’re most afraid to hear the answer to is the one that you should definitely ask.

10. Ditch the ridiculous deal breakers. It’s great to have high standards, but if your list of qualities to rule people out is more than a page long, you’re probably being too picky. Break up with the fantasy guy who lives in your head and accept that the perfect man for you will not be perfect. This is okay, because you aren’t either.

11. Stop comparing yourself to others. It’s toxic. Instead of pitting yourself against your friends’ Facebook posts, look in the mirror: How have you grown in the past year? What have you learned? What do you hope to achieve?

12. Be logical. Falling in love activates the same dopamine reaction in the brain as cocaine, so remember that during the first few months of a relationship you are under the influence of infatuation. Remind yourself to be rational, ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Even the ones you don’t want to hear.

13. Stop focusing on whether or not a first date could be The One. Pretending you’re meeting a friend can help prevent you from picking apart his flaws in your mind and will make you more confident and relaxed—which is also very attractive.

14. Stop multitasking. Put down the phone during dinner, be an active listener, and don’t think about your inbox during sex. Resolve to be more fully present for your relationship.

15. Make this the year that you really put the past behind you. Forgive the ex who cheated or friend who let you down. This doesn’t mean that what they did was okay; it means that you are choosing to let it go and be free. If you are holding on to guilt, make amends and forgive yourself for past mistakes.

16. Have adventures together. If you are bored, stop being boring. Learn a new language, take a trip, or just ride a roller coaster. The important thing is that you never stop having fun.

7. Give. Small gifts year-round keep that warm, fuzzy holiday feeling going. Something as simple as a massage or picking up his favorite dinner after a stressful day can strengthen intimacy.

18. Do nothing. When in doubt about what to do, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. After an angry confrontation but before you send an angry text or email, ask yourself: Are you acting or just reacting? Often the need to “do something” is often driven by emotion, so you may get better results by waiting until you can make a more rational decision.

19. Mind your manners during arguments. It’s hard to be polite in the heat of the moment, so set ground rules ahead of time. This means no name-calling and no fighting in front of other people.

20. Learn to live in the moment instead of obsessing over “having it all.” This is an illusion anyway because our lives are constantly in flux. More job or relationship security usually equals less freedom, and there are benefits to being on both sides. So whether it’s your amazing boyfriend, your adventurous single life, or simply the ability to completely control the TV remote, find something about your life that you can appreciate right now.

21. Clean out your emotional life. Give yourself permission to delete your toxic friends, ex-boyfriends who can’t commit but always appear when you meet someone who can, and anyone else whose caller ID automatically makes you hit “ignore.”

22. Schedule sex—or at least a (wink, wink) “date night.” It may sound un-sexy, but the more you have, the more you will want. This is also a great excuse to buy more killer lingerie.

23. Go to bed angry. There’s no point in dragging out a fight when you are exhausted or emotionally wrecked. Sleep on it, and you may wake up with a fresh perspective.

24. Compliment your significant other often. It’s easy to point out what someone got wrong, but how often do you take the time to say thank you for a job well done? It will brighten their day and motivate them to do it again.

25. Figure out your fertility options. If your biological clock is ticking and having children is important to you, research fertility options. This could mean freezing eggs, having an ovarian reserve test, or considering life as a single parent. Implementing a Plan B will make you more confident about the future regardless of your present relationship status.