Shelby Cross's Blog, page 2
November 9, 2015
The Post That Caused So Much Controversy
I wrote the following post on Fetlife this past weekend, and it's caused quite a bit of controversy—more than I thought rational, frankly. I realize it's hard to get consensus on what should be reasonable grounds to get someone banned from kinky events. Many times, situations come down to the 'he said, she said' problem, and when one of the people involved in the 'drama' happens to be a friend, it's easy to let personal feelings get in the way. No one wants to believe their friend is capable of abuse; no one wants to believe their friend is capable of making up abuse. Proof and verifiable fact is often hard to come by.But I would like to think we can ALL agree that these four types should not be allowed to kinky events. If we cannot agree on even THIS, we are, in my opinion, in trouble.1. Anyone who has been convicted of rape, sexual assault, or attempted murder.I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Seriously people.(Except, apparently, I did and do have to explain this one, because people on Fetlife started asking me things like 'What if the attempted murder was in self-defense?' and 'What about actual murder, and not attempted murder?' So here's my answer: IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN CONVICTED OF MURDER, THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN KINK EVENTS. Jesus, the fact that I even have to type this out....also, I am not interested in 'what if' situations. 'What if the person deserved to be murdered?' Really?....Really?)2. Anyone who engages in child pornography.It all comes down to consent: children cannot consent. If you don't get why that is, you do not understand consent, and you're a danger to the rest of us.(This is where I had on Fetlife people telling me how this is too vague because different countries have different ages of consent, and in some countries it's eighteen while in others it's fourteen. To which all I can think to say is, IF YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.)3. Anyone who is on the National Sex Registry/a registered sex offender.Don't tell me how easy it is to wind up as a registered sex offender. I don't want to hear your one-sided version of how it wasn't your fault, how you were duped, how the judge was out to get you.
If we allow known sex offenders into our play spaces, we basically throw any semblance of caring about the safety of our community out the window.(This one caused a huge stir. Yes, I understand that people who are not a danger to society are ending up on the registry; yes, I think that's sad. But if we get so bogged down with every 'what if' situation, we keep no standards whatsover. To every rule there is an exception...and to every exception there is a rule.)4. Anyone who is a self-admitted rapist, abuser, stalker, sociopath, or psychopath—whether they have been convicted of any crimes or not.I am not talking about those who made a mistake or two on their journey, owned up to their mistakes, learned from them, and moved on. If we banned every Top who ever acted "unDomly" (read: like an asshole), we'd end up with play spaces with no Tops; if we banned every bottom who ever acted like a childish brat, we'd end up with play spaces with no bottoms. I am talking about people who have admitted to violating consent, perhaps publicly justified it, perhaps even braggedabout it, showed absolutely no remorse, and shamed their victims into silence in the process. I am talking about those who would probably face conviction of a crime if their victim(s) were willing to come forward.
I am talking about those who glorify their own abusive and criminal behavior.(For some reason commentators on Fetlife read the heading, but not the paragraph. I am not talking about safe sociopaths here. I realize there are plenty of people with different mental illnesses in our communities who are good, upstanding, model citizens; I am not talking about them. Like I said, I am talking about those people who do evil and feel no regret, remorse, or shame about it.)Thoughts?
If we allow known sex offenders into our play spaces, we basically throw any semblance of caring about the safety of our community out the window.(This one caused a huge stir. Yes, I understand that people who are not a danger to society are ending up on the registry; yes, I think that's sad. But if we get so bogged down with every 'what if' situation, we keep no standards whatsover. To every rule there is an exception...and to every exception there is a rule.)4. Anyone who is a self-admitted rapist, abuser, stalker, sociopath, or psychopath—whether they have been convicted of any crimes or not.I am not talking about those who made a mistake or two on their journey, owned up to their mistakes, learned from them, and moved on. If we banned every Top who ever acted "unDomly" (read: like an asshole), we'd end up with play spaces with no Tops; if we banned every bottom who ever acted like a childish brat, we'd end up with play spaces with no bottoms. I am talking about people who have admitted to violating consent, perhaps publicly justified it, perhaps even braggedabout it, showed absolutely no remorse, and shamed their victims into silence in the process. I am talking about those who would probably face conviction of a crime if their victim(s) were willing to come forward.
I am talking about those who glorify their own abusive and criminal behavior.(For some reason commentators on Fetlife read the heading, but not the paragraph. I am not talking about safe sociopaths here. I realize there are plenty of people with different mental illnesses in our communities who are good, upstanding, model citizens; I am not talking about them. Like I said, I am talking about those people who do evil and feel no regret, remorse, or shame about it.)Thoughts?
November 5, 2015
Living With an Anti-Social IMPOSSIBLE Dom
August
Him: Do you want to do anything special for your birthday?
Me: YES! That sounds great! September
Me: Notices the notifications for a party on Kink.com's Upper floor, RSVPs "YES." Early October
Him: You want to go to Vegas for your birthday?
Me: YES!
Cancels RSVPs to Upper Floor party. Mid October
Him: We can't go to Vegas for your birthday. Make other plans.
Me: Maybe, um, a party?
Him: No. Late October
Him: Make plans for your birthday!
Me: Like what?
Him: YOU decide. Last week of October
Him: Did you make plans for your birthday?
Me: Yeah...we can go bowling or...something.
Him: You don't sound very excited.
Me: Will you at least take me to the munch? Please?
Him: Maybe. I'll think about it. Two days before my birthday
Him: We're not going to do anything exciting for your birthday, are we?
Me: Can you PLEASE take me to the munch. ONCE A YEAR, that's all I ask.
Him: Fine, I'll come to the munch. But it's too bad I won't be able to give you your birthday spankings there.
Me: ...You want to give me birthday spankings?
Him: Yeah. Too bad we're not going to a party.
Me: OH GOD DAMN IT
Him: Do you want to do anything special for your birthday?
Me: YES! That sounds great! September
Me: Notices the notifications for a party on Kink.com's Upper floor, RSVPs "YES." Early October
Him: You want to go to Vegas for your birthday?
Me: YES!
Cancels RSVPs to Upper Floor party. Mid October
Him: We can't go to Vegas for your birthday. Make other plans.
Me: Maybe, um, a party?
Him: No. Late October
Him: Make plans for your birthday!
Me: Like what?
Him: YOU decide. Last week of October
Him: Did you make plans for your birthday?
Me: Yeah...we can go bowling or...something.
Him: You don't sound very excited.
Me: Will you at least take me to the munch? Please?
Him: Maybe. I'll think about it. Two days before my birthday
Him: We're not going to do anything exciting for your birthday, are we?
Me: Can you PLEASE take me to the munch. ONCE A YEAR, that's all I ask.
Him: Fine, I'll come to the munch. But it's too bad I won't be able to give you your birthday spankings there.
Me: ...You want to give me birthday spankings?
Him: Yeah. Too bad we're not going to a party.
Me: OH GOD DAMN IT
November 4, 2015
My Response to Master James' Post
My response to Master James' post, slightly edited from my Fetlife version:In his post, Master James tries to turn SSC into a triangle.... thing is, SSC is not a mathematical algorithm, and it's not a geometric equation. Words like "safe," "sane," and "consensual" are completely subjective. But MJ would like people to think SSC is straight and true, and he gives an example of his point: the guy who found someone to butcher and eat him.This is, obviously, an extreme example. There's a reason why MJ's example had to be so extreme: get any less extreme, and you'll have people arguing over what's safe, what's sane, and what's consensual. Which they did, in the comments section of his post.Who gets to decide what's abuse, and what's not?According to Master James, "abuse is not a question of whether or not you can scrape together some people who have been at the nasty end of your abuse to defend you. It's that your triangle is clearly missing a side to it. And it remains abuse no matter how well you sensationalise it. No matter how well you sexualise it. No matter how well you managed to target people who are so new they don't know enough about this stuff to know they don't have to blindly accept whatever you tell them. Or no matter how well you managed to target people who had become so accustomed to abuse in their past, that they were willing to accept your abuse as normal."
Which basically means that we, as a community, get to slap on the label of "abuse" on any behavior we think is abuse...whether the "victim" is calling it abuse or not.
This is where MJ and I disagree.It is a very dangerous, slippery slope, deciding that we, as a community, can judge what's safe, sane, and consensual in other people's relationships. It means we are taking away the ability of bottoms everywhere to decide for themselves whether what they experience is abuse, or not; whether what they're asking for is abuse, or not.
We end up infantilizing bottoms everywhere, as an entire group.
We take away their right to consent.Bottoms have the right to call 'abuse' when that is their personal experience. I take that as an absolute statement—period, the end. If you don't agree with that—if you think bottoms should have to jump through hoops just to be able to share their truth...like, say, call the police before they dare complain, or take "personal accountability" for the part hey played in their own abuse, or make them apologize for taking so damn long to gather up the courage to say anything—then you and I are going to be on opposing sides to this argument, and there will be no compromise here.(Do bottoms feel comfortable with sharing their stories of abuse? No. But they should.)The thing is...if we want bottoms to feel comfortable sharing their stories in cases of abuse, the corollary must also be true: bottoms should feel comfortable sharing their stories when they do NOT think it's abuse.Personal story time: A while back, I had what many would call an 'extreme' scene with my Top. There was chain, a spreader bar, and whips involved. There was a lot of screaming and swearing going on. There was sobbing, too. There was choking on snot and tears. There was loudly wishing him a deadly case of hemorrhoids.
It took me a few days just to start processing that scene.
I was wary to talk about it. But people were asking me, so I felt obligated to say something.
"It was intense," I would answer them. "Very intense."
"I'm sorry it was bad for you," more than a few immediately jumped in. "That's hard."
"I didn't say bad," I replied. "I said intense. It was not a bad scene at all. Just...intense." It was the only word I could come up with.
Some scenes are like that. They are beyond articulation.
Frankly, I feel lucky to have experienced scenes like them.We want bottoms to feel comfortable sharing the experiences of their own scenes. We want them to have safe, sacred ground to tell their stories, and bare witness to others.
The best thing to do is often to just listen. Do not judge, do not critique...just listen.I could end my post with that. But that would be dangerous, too.Because some bottoms are grappling with the idea that what they experienced is abuse, and they lack the articulation for that, too.What you end up with is a bottom who is beginning to feel the effects of the abuse—they might be small, they might be well hidden, but abuse always has an effect on the body and mind—and the bottom doesn't know what to do.On the one side, she has a Top who is making damn sure to tell her whatever he's doing to her, or did do to her, is not abuse. No how, no way; she's crazy if she thinks it is.
On the other side, she has friends who are telling her "It's up to you to decide what's abuse and what's not, dear. We support you either way."
And on the other side...she's got the entire kink community doing a very good job of showing her that if she comes out with allegations of abuse, she will be mocked, shunned, ostracized, disbelieved, and possibly outed.
...Gee, I wonder what she'll choose to do.There is no easy answer here, no right or wrong way. Every case is different, and every case must be handled with compassion—and hopefully, a sense of principle.
Like I said, this is not a mathematical algorithm. This is the human condition.
(If you would like to see the full Fetlife version, click here to be redirected to Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/925156/posts/3331581)
Which basically means that we, as a community, get to slap on the label of "abuse" on any behavior we think is abuse...whether the "victim" is calling it abuse or not.
This is where MJ and I disagree.It is a very dangerous, slippery slope, deciding that we, as a community, can judge what's safe, sane, and consensual in other people's relationships. It means we are taking away the ability of bottoms everywhere to decide for themselves whether what they experience is abuse, or not; whether what they're asking for is abuse, or not.
We end up infantilizing bottoms everywhere, as an entire group.
We take away their right to consent.Bottoms have the right to call 'abuse' when that is their personal experience. I take that as an absolute statement—period, the end. If you don't agree with that—if you think bottoms should have to jump through hoops just to be able to share their truth...like, say, call the police before they dare complain, or take "personal accountability" for the part hey played in their own abuse, or make them apologize for taking so damn long to gather up the courage to say anything—then you and I are going to be on opposing sides to this argument, and there will be no compromise here.(Do bottoms feel comfortable with sharing their stories of abuse? No. But they should.)The thing is...if we want bottoms to feel comfortable sharing their stories in cases of abuse, the corollary must also be true: bottoms should feel comfortable sharing their stories when they do NOT think it's abuse.Personal story time: A while back, I had what many would call an 'extreme' scene with my Top. There was chain, a spreader bar, and whips involved. There was a lot of screaming and swearing going on. There was sobbing, too. There was choking on snot and tears. There was loudly wishing him a deadly case of hemorrhoids.
It took me a few days just to start processing that scene.
I was wary to talk about it. But people were asking me, so I felt obligated to say something.
"It was intense," I would answer them. "Very intense."
"I'm sorry it was bad for you," more than a few immediately jumped in. "That's hard."
"I didn't say bad," I replied. "I said intense. It was not a bad scene at all. Just...intense." It was the only word I could come up with.
Some scenes are like that. They are beyond articulation.
Frankly, I feel lucky to have experienced scenes like them.We want bottoms to feel comfortable sharing the experiences of their own scenes. We want them to have safe, sacred ground to tell their stories, and bare witness to others.
The best thing to do is often to just listen. Do not judge, do not critique...just listen.I could end my post with that. But that would be dangerous, too.Because some bottoms are grappling with the idea that what they experienced is abuse, and they lack the articulation for that, too.What you end up with is a bottom who is beginning to feel the effects of the abuse—they might be small, they might be well hidden, but abuse always has an effect on the body and mind—and the bottom doesn't know what to do.On the one side, she has a Top who is making damn sure to tell her whatever he's doing to her, or did do to her, is not abuse. No how, no way; she's crazy if she thinks it is.
On the other side, she has friends who are telling her "It's up to you to decide what's abuse and what's not, dear. We support you either way."
And on the other side...she's got the entire kink community doing a very good job of showing her that if she comes out with allegations of abuse, she will be mocked, shunned, ostracized, disbelieved, and possibly outed.
...Gee, I wonder what she'll choose to do.There is no easy answer here, no right or wrong way. Every case is different, and every case must be handled with compassion—and hopefully, a sense of principle.
Like I said, this is not a mathematical algorithm. This is the human condition.
(If you would like to see the full Fetlife version, click here to be redirected to Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/925156/posts/3331581)
November 3, 2015
Your Consent Doesn't Mean Shit to Me: A Guest Post by Master_James_
The following post is not written by me. It is written by Master_James_, kinkster from Down Under and owner of the House of Cadifor. You can find the original post on Fetlife here: https://fetlife.com/users/1751801/posts/3323422This is reprinted with Master James's permission.I do not agree with everything Master James writes in his post, but I think it is an important read. My response to his opinion piece will be posted tomorrow. *****On the 9th of March 2001 Armin Meiwes slaughtered and then consumed Bernd Jürgen Armando Brandes, an engineer from Berlin.They had met via the website The Cannibal Cafe (a blog site for people with cannibal fetishes). Meiwes's had posted an advertisement stating that he was "looking for a well-built 18- to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed. The two met, made a video detailing the informed consent of both parties. The video went on to record the butchering, eventual death, and consumption of Brandes by Meiwes.You see ladies and gentlemen. Consent didn't mean jack-fucking-shit. Not to society, not to the surrounding community, not to the families, and certainly not to the court of law.Now I know this example is a rather extreme case. But I use it intentionally to illustrate an important (yet an increasingly forgotten) point. That on this site, consent has become seen as the sole magical elixir or kinky holy water turning what we do from abuse into something ok like fucking alchemy.... But it isn't.The longest standing, universally accepted standard, that has served to bring BDSM away from the perception of abuse is SSC. For those slow kids on the short bus, this stands for Safe, Sane, Consensual. And for those of you who can't count to potato, Consent is only one third of that equation.Think of non-abuse like a triangle. Safe, Sane, and Consensual make up it's three sides. If you are missing a side, then the triangle doesn't exist, and what you are doing is abuse.Doing something without safety or sanity, but thinking telling me that you had consent makes it cool, just doesn't cut it. It's like raping a mentally handicapped person, and thinking that assuring me that you did it safely, somehow makes it ok.Let me give you some hypothetical examples.If you find a person who is suffers from severe mental illnesses, and exploit that vulnerability in order to fulfil your fucked up fantasies. Then it doesn't matter if what you did was arguably safe and consensual. Then the side of your triangle that says 'Sane' is missing, and you are abusing someone.If you decide to do some heavy edge play like drowning, heavy facial punching, or a variety of other type high risk activities. And you cause serious and unexpected damage, because you didn't have reasonable safety protocols in place to avoid causing injury, or emergency training to respond to incidences if they do occur. Then the side of your triangle that says 'Safe' is missing, and what you are doing is abuse.If you decide to do some run of the mild tame bedroom kink. But you decide to film it without the other person knowing. Or introduce extra sexual partners in without warning half way through. Then the side of you triangle that says 'Consent' is missing, and what you are doing is abuse.Abuse is not a question of whether or not you can scrape together some people who have been at the nasty end of your abuse to defend you. It's that your triangle is clearly missing a side to it. And it remains abuse no matter how well you sensationalise it. No matter how well you sexualise it. No matter how well you managed to target people who are so new they don't know enough about this stuff to know they don't have to blindly accept whatever you tell them. Or no matter how well you managed to target people who had become so accustomed to abuse in their past, that they were willing to accept your abuse as normal.If you boast about this, people are going to rightly see it as abuse, and call you out on it. This doesn't make them haters. It doesn't make them trolls. It makes them normal, ethical, caring, concerned people. People concerned about the people who have been abused, concerned about it sending the BDSM community backwards into the dark ages, and most importantly; concerned about possible future victims of abuse.If you get called out on this shit. Don't go on a rampage attacking those who did the right thing by voicing concerns. Instead, just stop and think about it. Then look for ways to improve your actions in the future. If you need advice, ask and you shall receive.If you don't, then you are an abusive asshole and you are no friend of mine.
Note:
RACK (risk aware consensual kink) is a great acronym to remind tops that consent doesn't mean shit, if it isn't well informed consent with all potential dangers and consequences thoroughly explained.PRICK (person responsibility in consensual kink) is a great acronym to remind bottoms that they are equally responsible for their consent status, and they own personage and the choices they make.Both of the above acronyms are intended as fantastic tools to augment and further improve SSC, not replace it.*****Again, my response to Master_James_'s post will be posted tomorrow.
Note:
RACK (risk aware consensual kink) is a great acronym to remind tops that consent doesn't mean shit, if it isn't well informed consent with all potential dangers and consequences thoroughly explained.PRICK (person responsibility in consensual kink) is a great acronym to remind bottoms that they are equally responsible for their consent status, and they own personage and the choices they make.Both of the above acronyms are intended as fantastic tools to augment and further improve SSC, not replace it.*****Again, my response to Master_James_'s post will be posted tomorrow.
November 2, 2015
You Need a Utility Belt
Being a Master/Dom/Toppy type does not mean every scene you do has to be full of SERIOUS TERROR and ALTERED STATE. Sometimes it's just about being fun and silly. Case in point, my time last night:Him: (whispering gruffly in my ear behind me) Take off your shirt.Me: (giggling) You sound funny.Him: I do?Me: Yes, you sound like Batman.Him: (Back to gruff voice) That's because I am Batman. Now take off your shirt.Me: You're silly.Him: I'm silly, and I'm Batman. Now take off your pants.Me: I can't have sex with Batman. This is crazy!Him: You can have sex with Batman if Batman says so. Hold your legs open. Wait for me—don't move! I'm going to get some toys.Me: Toys?Him: Batman has aaaalll the toys. Don't move.(Comes back a few minutes later while I'm stuck with my legs open, laughing on the bed)Him: Toys.Me: If you're going to use that thing on me, you'd better use lube.Him: It's Batlube. And I'll use it if you're good.Me: This is nuts!Him: I'm Batman. Spread your ass—ah, good.Me: It hurts!Him: Too bad. I'm Batman.Me: (laughing so hard I can barely speak) I can't relax when I'm laughing this hard!Him: Not my problem. Batman is working now.Me: Ow ow ow! What the hell are you doing?Him: Well I'm not getting lost in a mall. Ray-chel!Me: Wait, didn't Rachel die at the end of that movie?Him: You won't die. I promise, and I'm Batman.Me: You're crazy!Him: I know, and you love it.
October 13, 2015
Sexy In His Eyes
Scene From last night, on our bed, right after I put the youngest to sleepHim: "You're so sexy."
Me: "Stop it. I am not sexy. My hair is a mess, I haven't brushed my teeth—"
Him: "You stop it. You are sexy."
Me: "Oh? What about me is sexy right now?"
Him: "Your legs are sexy."
Me: "I haven't shaved for two days."
Him: "They're sexy as hell."
Me: "You're weird."
Him: "No, don't turn away. Your eyes are sexy."
Me: "My mascara is all over my face."
Him: "And that's sexy. Your lips are sexy. Your throat is sexy. Your skin is sexy."
Me: My skin, huh? You're ill, remember? You're not thinking straight."
Him: "I'm feeling much better now."
Me: "Okay Romeo, so someday when my hair falls out and my teeth fall out and my knees are all bent and my face is all wrinkly and my skin is sagging to the floor, will I still be sexy?"
Him: "Yes, because of the most sexy thing of all."
Me: "And what's that?"
Him: "Control."
Me: "...Control?"
Him: "Yes. My control over you. That is the most sexy thing of all."
Me: "Really."
Him: "Yes. Watch: open your legs. See, you didn't think twice."
Me: "I did think twice!"
Him: (laughing) "Okay, maybe you did think twice, but you still did it. That is control, and that is sexy."
Me: "You really are sick."
Him: "Then make me feel better. Give me a blowjob. Ah...I love owning you."
Me: "Stop it. I am not sexy. My hair is a mess, I haven't brushed my teeth—"
Him: "You stop it. You are sexy."
Me: "Oh? What about me is sexy right now?"
Him: "Your legs are sexy."
Me: "I haven't shaved for two days."
Him: "They're sexy as hell."
Me: "You're weird."
Him: "No, don't turn away. Your eyes are sexy."
Me: "My mascara is all over my face."
Him: "And that's sexy. Your lips are sexy. Your throat is sexy. Your skin is sexy."
Me: My skin, huh? You're ill, remember? You're not thinking straight."
Him: "I'm feeling much better now."
Me: "Okay Romeo, so someday when my hair falls out and my teeth fall out and my knees are all bent and my face is all wrinkly and my skin is sagging to the floor, will I still be sexy?"
Him: "Yes, because of the most sexy thing of all."
Me: "And what's that?"
Him: "Control."
Me: "...Control?"
Him: "Yes. My control over you. That is the most sexy thing of all."
Me: "Really."
Him: "Yes. Watch: open your legs. See, you didn't think twice."
Me: "I did think twice!"
Him: (laughing) "Okay, maybe you did think twice, but you still did it. That is control, and that is sexy."
Me: "You really are sick."
Him: "Then make me feel better. Give me a blowjob. Ah...I love owning you."
September 30, 2015
The Voice I Obey
I try very hard to hold my shit together online. Put up a good front, my mother used to say. Fake it till you make it.
For the most part, I think I succeed. Yes, once in a while I will rant, especially during certain times of the month; but overall, I think—these days at least—I keep my personal issues off the screen.
This does not mean I don't have my own personal issues to deal with; my own mental demons.
We all have them, some worse than others. While I know many who can write freely about their demons—often with great eloquence—I am not one of them. It is hard for me to let strangers that deep into my head. Personally, I have never had any good come of it.
Being a submissive in a D/s relationship does not somehow magically heal all my personal issues. The anxiety is still there, the depression, the Voice of Defeat whispering to me that I am not enough, that I will never be enough.
What being a submissive in a D/s relationship means is that my behavior is under someone else's scrutiny and control. I cannot let the Voice of Defeat dictate my actions; I cannot comply when it tells me to give up, don't bother, there's no point, I'll never do it right anyway.
That Voice of Defeat is pretty fucking powerful. Sometimes it doesn't talk at all: sometimes it just screams inside my head.
(Sometimes I think I scream inside the dungeon not out of fear, or pain, but out of triumph: to show myself and the world I can, at the most sublimely painful moments, still hold my own voice, and scream louder than that Other.)
The voice of my Master, while not louder, is always stronger. It always wins.
So while I sometimes want nothing more than to disappear into my own personal cave, I cannot. I am not allowed to. I may still lay low, keep to myself, and maintain a low profile...but I am still acting as a functional human being. Meanwhile, I am getting my shit together, kicking that Voice of Defeat in the larynx and telling it to shut the fuck up while I fake it till I make it.
And you know, sometimes that's the best you can do.
For the most part, I think I succeed. Yes, once in a while I will rant, especially during certain times of the month; but overall, I think—these days at least—I keep my personal issues off the screen.
This does not mean I don't have my own personal issues to deal with; my own mental demons.
We all have them, some worse than others. While I know many who can write freely about their demons—often with great eloquence—I am not one of them. It is hard for me to let strangers that deep into my head. Personally, I have never had any good come of it.
Being a submissive in a D/s relationship does not somehow magically heal all my personal issues. The anxiety is still there, the depression, the Voice of Defeat whispering to me that I am not enough, that I will never be enough.
What being a submissive in a D/s relationship means is that my behavior is under someone else's scrutiny and control. I cannot let the Voice of Defeat dictate my actions; I cannot comply when it tells me to give up, don't bother, there's no point, I'll never do it right anyway.
That Voice of Defeat is pretty fucking powerful. Sometimes it doesn't talk at all: sometimes it just screams inside my head.
(Sometimes I think I scream inside the dungeon not out of fear, or pain, but out of triumph: to show myself and the world I can, at the most sublimely painful moments, still hold my own voice, and scream louder than that Other.)
The voice of my Master, while not louder, is always stronger. It always wins.
So while I sometimes want nothing more than to disappear into my own personal cave, I cannot. I am not allowed to. I may still lay low, keep to myself, and maintain a low profile...but I am still acting as a functional human being. Meanwhile, I am getting my shit together, kicking that Voice of Defeat in the larynx and telling it to shut the fuck up while I fake it till I make it.
And you know, sometimes that's the best you can do.
September 3, 2015
8 Words To Turn Me Into a Blowjob Huntress
"I have a conference call in two minutes."
August 21, 2015
This is why you don't show your Dom your bruises.
Me: "Look at what you did to me! Look at this!"Him: "Wow. What about the other leg?"Me: "It's not nearly as bad, thank God."Him: "We'll have to do something about this."Me: "I tried ice already."Him: "That's not what I meant. They're not symmetrical."Me: "...What?"Him: "We need them to be even."Me: "What? And what do you mean, we?"Him: "I can't remember what I did to cause that...look, we'll just have to recreate the whole night, and I'll retrace my steps, but everything I did to your left leg I'll do to your right leg, so they'll be even."Me: "WHAT!"Him: "You're right, that won't work...I'll just have to find a different way to give you a bruise like that, one that'll match. But there's no way...I might have to work on the first one, you know, to get them all even."And this is how (if you're not me) you learn to shut up.
August 18, 2015
Noisy Scenes and DM responsibilities
Let me start out by saying that I am a person who makes a lot of noise in the dungeon. A lot.
I guess I should qualify that: by "in the dungeon," I mean whilst scening, and by "noise," I mean screaming. Screaming, swearing, whining, crying...a mixture of all that good stuff.
Good if you're a Sadist who likes to hear that sort of thing. Good if you're the kind of person who gets turned on by listening.
If you're the kind of person who doesn't like to hear those sorts of noises in the dungeon, if you're a person who is bothered by them...or expects all the noise around you to be on the "Low Moan" spectrum of things...ahh, this is where the conflicts start.
Let's assume here we all have the same right to be in the dungeon at the same time. Yes, playing in a dungeon is a privilege, not a right per se...but let's assume your level of "privilege" is the same as mine. There are no rules are being broken, nothing going against dungeon policy, we both paid the same money, etc etc.
My scene is going to involve a lot of noise. Your scene requires...well, not absolute quiet, but not someone screaming right next to you, either.
What to do?
We both have equal right to be there (again, let's assume). We both want the best scene outcome possible for everyone involved.
Sometimes, Cats and Roosters, "Sharing Space" means Taking Turns.
The longer you're in the Scene—the more time you spend playing inside public dungeons—the more you learn about what works for you and what doesn't. If you're the kind of person who requires quiet, and I mean your scene will be ruined unless you have quiet: you let the DM know. The DM might be able to tell you about that good corner over there for your scene, a place where the sound won't carry.
If you're the kind of person who makes a lot of noise? Again, the best thing is to let the DM know in advance. That way you might be put in a corner where your voice won't carry so far. You might also have to wait to do your scene when the timing is better.
My local dungeon knows of my, shall we say, proclivity toward making noise.
They take steps to ensure the neighbors are not bothered.
They do require a strict policy beyond a certain level of noise. This has nothing to do with me as an individual, though. This is a dungeon rule by which everyone must abide. But it does tend to affect me more than others, because I tend to make more noise than others when I play.
The dungeon works with me to keep the noise—my noise—contained. I, on the other hand, must understand that rules must be followed, and if the DM tells me to tone it down? I tone it down.
Here is the problem I'm hearing more about lately: when some scenes get "preference" over others by DMs, because the louder or more extreme scenes do not seem to be "Sharing Space" like they should.
The people in a "quiet" scene will go complaining to the DM about the noise level coming from the next scene over. They will say they want it quieted down. The DM will go over to the loud scene and tell them to hush up...not because they're breaking policy, not because the dungeon itself can't handle that level of noise, but because for some odd reason, the quiet scene gets priority.
I think this is absolute bullshit and wrong.
And yeah, maybe I'm biased, maybe I'm blindsided by the fact that I am a person who makes a lot of noise—but why should my scene get derailed because the people in the next corner can't handle it?
Because yes, you have to understand: my scene does get derailed when someone walks into it, even the DM. I am pulled out of my particular mode of preyspace to be told I am making too much noise, that I have to change my behavior, that I'm doing something wrong.
A vast majority of the time my scene will get back on track, and I'll be able to sink back into my adrenaline fog of preyspace while my Top ensures my noise level dips down an octave or two. But there is always that moment—that shocking, shameful moment—when I have to "come to" long enough to understand that I have, somehow, fucked up.
Not with my Top, not with my myself, but with the public play space I am privileged to be in.
It's bad enough when this happens because I am breaking policy. I can understand that—it is the DM's job to ensure rules are abided—so I suck it up. As adults, we all have to abide by the rules if we want to play in our local play spaces.
Blessed be that no DM in my local dungeon has ever tried to shut me up or interrupt my scene because "some people playing over there" were bothered by my noise. If other kinksters are bothered by my noise, they should move themselves, or wait until my scene is over to start theirs.
That is what adult behavior is about, too.
It is the job of the DM to enforce dungeon policy, not choose which scenes are more "worthy" to play out over others. There are ways we can all play and get along, if we are all willing to make space for each other. Sometimes it is up to the DM to nip conflict in the bud by making sure all scenes are respected and held sacred—not just the quiet ones.
And since people are prone to give more weight to what they hear last (even when two ideas are presented evenly) I will end this by saying that I realize the job of the DM is incredibly hard, often mentally exhausting, and very seldom appreciated the way it should be. The vast majority of DMs out there are upstanding, honest, respectful people who are just trying their best to make sure nothing horrible happens inside the dungeon on their shift, and nobody ends up in the ER. To all you DMs out there, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you do.
I guess I should qualify that: by "in the dungeon," I mean whilst scening, and by "noise," I mean screaming. Screaming, swearing, whining, crying...a mixture of all that good stuff.
Good if you're a Sadist who likes to hear that sort of thing. Good if you're the kind of person who gets turned on by listening.
If you're the kind of person who doesn't like to hear those sorts of noises in the dungeon, if you're a person who is bothered by them...or expects all the noise around you to be on the "Low Moan" spectrum of things...ahh, this is where the conflicts start.
Let's assume here we all have the same right to be in the dungeon at the same time. Yes, playing in a dungeon is a privilege, not a right per se...but let's assume your level of "privilege" is the same as mine. There are no rules are being broken, nothing going against dungeon policy, we both paid the same money, etc etc.
My scene is going to involve a lot of noise. Your scene requires...well, not absolute quiet, but not someone screaming right next to you, either.
What to do?
We both have equal right to be there (again, let's assume). We both want the best scene outcome possible for everyone involved.
Sometimes, Cats and Roosters, "Sharing Space" means Taking Turns.
The longer you're in the Scene—the more time you spend playing inside public dungeons—the more you learn about what works for you and what doesn't. If you're the kind of person who requires quiet, and I mean your scene will be ruined unless you have quiet: you let the DM know. The DM might be able to tell you about that good corner over there for your scene, a place where the sound won't carry.
If you're the kind of person who makes a lot of noise? Again, the best thing is to let the DM know in advance. That way you might be put in a corner where your voice won't carry so far. You might also have to wait to do your scene when the timing is better.
My local dungeon knows of my, shall we say, proclivity toward making noise.
They take steps to ensure the neighbors are not bothered.
They do require a strict policy beyond a certain level of noise. This has nothing to do with me as an individual, though. This is a dungeon rule by which everyone must abide. But it does tend to affect me more than others, because I tend to make more noise than others when I play.
The dungeon works with me to keep the noise—my noise—contained. I, on the other hand, must understand that rules must be followed, and if the DM tells me to tone it down? I tone it down.
Here is the problem I'm hearing more about lately: when some scenes get "preference" over others by DMs, because the louder or more extreme scenes do not seem to be "Sharing Space" like they should.
The people in a "quiet" scene will go complaining to the DM about the noise level coming from the next scene over. They will say they want it quieted down. The DM will go over to the loud scene and tell them to hush up...not because they're breaking policy, not because the dungeon itself can't handle that level of noise, but because for some odd reason, the quiet scene gets priority.
I think this is absolute bullshit and wrong.
And yeah, maybe I'm biased, maybe I'm blindsided by the fact that I am a person who makes a lot of noise—but why should my scene get derailed because the people in the next corner can't handle it?
Because yes, you have to understand: my scene does get derailed when someone walks into it, even the DM. I am pulled out of my particular mode of preyspace to be told I am making too much noise, that I have to change my behavior, that I'm doing something wrong.
A vast majority of the time my scene will get back on track, and I'll be able to sink back into my adrenaline fog of preyspace while my Top ensures my noise level dips down an octave or two. But there is always that moment—that shocking, shameful moment—when I have to "come to" long enough to understand that I have, somehow, fucked up.
Not with my Top, not with my myself, but with the public play space I am privileged to be in.
It's bad enough when this happens because I am breaking policy. I can understand that—it is the DM's job to ensure rules are abided—so I suck it up. As adults, we all have to abide by the rules if we want to play in our local play spaces.
Blessed be that no DM in my local dungeon has ever tried to shut me up or interrupt my scene because "some people playing over there" were bothered by my noise. If other kinksters are bothered by my noise, they should move themselves, or wait until my scene is over to start theirs.
That is what adult behavior is about, too.
It is the job of the DM to enforce dungeon policy, not choose which scenes are more "worthy" to play out over others. There are ways we can all play and get along, if we are all willing to make space for each other. Sometimes it is up to the DM to nip conflict in the bud by making sure all scenes are respected and held sacred—not just the quiet ones.
And since people are prone to give more weight to what they hear last (even when two ideas are presented evenly) I will end this by saying that I realize the job of the DM is incredibly hard, often mentally exhausting, and very seldom appreciated the way it should be. The vast majority of DMs out there are upstanding, honest, respectful people who are just trying their best to make sure nothing horrible happens inside the dungeon on their shift, and nobody ends up in the ER. To all you DMs out there, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you do.
