Roland Yeomans's Blog, page 36

QUESTIONS to ask if you wish a better life

 

“We hear only those questions  for which we are in  a position to find answers.”  — Friedrich Nietszche
If we don’t make time to examine our motives, it may catch up to us.   Why?   Many people are dictated by their unconscious desires instead of making conscious choices.     “Question everything.  Learn something.  Answer nothing.”  — Euripedes
Ask WHO ARE YOU BECOMING? 
The Past is written. The Present is the sum of your earlier choices.  The Future is uncertain.
  Who you decide to be should be an informed decision not a consequence of following the path of least resistance.

Ask DO I LIKE MYSELF?


“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.”
 — Joseph Campbell

See the past as a series of events that shaped your life, 

because every experience brings the gift of learning and growth. 

If you disapprove of yourself you cannot possibly like other people 

since every interaction stems from your relationship with yourself.


Ask WHAT MATTERS MOST TO YOU & WHY?

“In all my affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark 
on the things I have long taken for granted.”  — Bertrand Russell
This is an important question 
because until you clarify what you value most, you will spend your life wandering aimlessly. 
Sadly, many people may never discover what is important to them 
because they are distracted by the swirl of events around them.
To You, 
WHAT IS THE MOST  IMPORTANT  QUESTION  TO ASK YOURSELF?  

WHAT MAKES US TICK?

 

We tumble from womb to tomb ...

    from one blackness towards another,

        remembering little of the one and 

            knowing nothing of the other,

              except through faith.


Life distracts us, with happiness or struggle, 

    from seeing the tides that are drawing us towards 

        those clusters of events called 

Crossroads.
More tragically  for our being blind  to them.

The star, the wheel, the butterfly ...

    all are in an unseen state of turmoil,

        waiting for some signal that 
               the time has come.


Then, the star explodes,
The wheel of Fate turns, making a poor man rich,
The butterfly mates and dies.

STORY can say all that is unsayable in the world ...
    How can we resist attempting that?

Life has a way of bruising us 
    until we long for some passage out of ourselves.

That's what STORY does ...
    for a few precious moments
        it takes us out of ourselves
            to become someone other than who we are.

Each of us is a myth within our minds.
    We make it up. 
    It is the STORY of ourselves          we steer our actions by.
        It is not the truth of our life.  
           We could not bear to look at that.
It is the illusion which helps us keep on going in life.


Man alone
    tells STORIES to understand his world.


I believe that there is one STORY 
in the all world, and only one,
 that has frightened and inspired us.

 Humans are caught, in their lives, in their thoughts,  in their hungers and ambitions,  in their avarice and cruelty,  and 
in their kindness and generosity  in a net of good and evil. 

 Do they struggle towards the light or embrace the darkness?

There is no other STORY.
 A soul, having emerged from the cocoon of this life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: 
Did I make my time good or evil? 
Was my life worththe pain of my birth?

WHAT IS THE PARTICULAR MAGIC OF WRITING THAT KEEPS YOU DOING IT?

ARE YOU LIVING A FULFILLED LIFE?

 

Living a fulfilling life 
seems a mocking concept for many 
these days.
Yet, it is not an impossible dream.
HOW TO START
1.) COME TO PEACE WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE

Animals in the wild endure bitter cold, injuries, and hunger without going IF ONLY. 

They accept life is what it is and adapt 

without the static of bemoaning that might keep them from finding another path.



2.) HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON ON LIFE TO ENJOY THE MOMENT

Not overlooking the beauty of the "mundane"world around you 

will open your eyes to countless epiphanies, enriching your life and broadening your horizons.

And you might even find a much-needed laugh.



3.) ARE YOU BECOMING A GROUCH?

Focusing on the negative a good part of the day may well be turning you into a toxic person.

Challenge yourself to look for the good in each hour, in each person you meet.

That person who is just sitting at the light turned green 

may well have received terrible news from the doctor or from a loved one.

Practice restraint and don't honk that horn.  



 4.) PRACTICE FORGIVENESS

Not just for others ... but for yourself.

You screwed up yesterday.  That just makes you human.  Today is a blank page.  

Don't smudge it with the guilt of the past.



5.) EXERCISE IS A PRIORITY NOT A "MAYBE"

Exercise, whether it be walking, running or biking, cleans out the cobwebs and tones the body.

It also releases endorphines for free.  A healthy body houses a happier spirit.



6.) STOP HANDING YOUR SELF-WORTH TO THE HANDS OF OTHERS

Those who focus on your flaws continually may do so to keep from seeing their own.

No one feels your pains, dreams your dreams, or lives your hours but you.

Each of us is composed of the very atoms first found in the hearts of stars.  

You are a sparkle of life from the heart of a sun.  You are special.  Let no one tell you otherwise.



7.) OUR FEARS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS WORSE THAN WHAT THE TRUTH IS

Hiding from our fears always magnifies them.  

Facing them gives us an idea of what to do next.



8.) CLING TO YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR

Laughter is one of the best forms of exercise.

It helps you live longer, reduces your blood pressure, and helps you enjoy your own company.

And since you are stuck with yourself  24/7, that is a good thing.

WHEN LIFE KNOCKS YOU DOWN

 WHEN LIFE KNOCKS YOU DOWN

The lab results that shook you to the core.  

The harsh retort that cost you a relationship.  

The needed car repair that costs more than you have.

Life has a way of continually knocking you to the ground without warning.  

Sometimes you don't know if you have it within you to get up one more time.

You don't have to continually get up.  

You just have to get up one more time than they knock you down.
And that means adapting to the present, thinking outside of our usual responses to stress.

We have been brought low by the myth of HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  

There is no such thing.


Our endless and impossible journey toward home is in fact our home. 
There is beauty, laughter, and friendship along our journey, 
but if we focus on the maybe happiness of a future with goal won, we will lose today ...
 We will have lost priceless treasures existing in our Now by the searching for Tomorrow's  fool's gold. 


The hidden thing about crossroads 
is that we never know we are at one until we have made our decision and are reaping the consequences.
Sometimes the way ahead is not clear.
Yet "Impossible" just gives birth to legends. 
* When I was abandoned at six on Skid Row in Detroit, 
* When my home burned to the ground with no insurance, 
* When the love of my life died in surgery, 
* When my whole city was forcibly evacuated from our homes --
 I hit bottom all those times.
Bottom gives us a place to stand, to rise, to reflect upon what is left ... 
to perhaps see a new path to old goals or hidden roads to new ones.

Wilde wrote that insanity was trying the same things repeatedly and expecting different results. 
We must take different steps to reach new destinations.

Each blow, each wound, each set-back has a lesson for us if we but stand back and reflect. 
Those things have shaped us and surviving them has made us stronger, wiser.

There is beauty, there is humor, there is hope ... 
perhaps those are the only lights in Man's dark world. 
In tragedy and in despair, 
when an endless night seems to have fallen, hope can be found in the realization that the companion of night is not another night, 
that the companion of night is day, that darkness always gives way to light, 
and that death rules only half of creation, life the other half.
That is the great thing about life:   Though it is often cruel, it is also mysterious, 

filled with wonder and surprise; 

sometimes the surprises are so amazing that they qualify as miracles,  
and by witnessing those miracles, a shattered person can sometimes discover a reason to live.
Often I am scared down to the marrow of my bones, 
but I keep telling myself that as long as I have laughter, I am not without hope.
In my blog, I always try to find something to laugh about.  
May laughter be our companion today, leading us to a new goal or the realization of an old one.

HAS IT ALL CAUGHT UP WITH YOU?

 

HAS IT ALL CAUGHT UP WITH YOU?

You're in good company:


Mark Twain  Mark Twain's brilliant authorship of American classics such as Huckleberry Finn 

might have had its roots in his tendency to depression. 


But this famous depressed writer also lived with a lot of family drama 


that could have contributed to his STRESS
 and depression. 

Depression's role with creative writing will also be a function of the individual writers,


 their personal history, their circumstances, and the nature of their depressions.

 Stephen King  Stephen King, a modern master of suspense and terror, has quite a body of work to his name. 

Yet his fame and talent didn't forestall the devastating effects of the drugs and alcohol 


he allegedly had been using to cope with ongoing unhappiness.

Substance abuse and alcohol use 


often play roles as people struggling with depression attempt to self-medicate. 


During those years, this famous depressed writer also produced some of his best-known works, such as The Shining, Pet Cematary, and Carrie.

 F. Scott Fitzgerald  F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda were known for their glamorous and tumultuous lifestyle, 

full of wild parties, travel, and larger-than-life characters. 

The Great Gatsby remains his best-known work, 


but other novels such as The Beautiful and the Damned detail a lot of the same ground. 


Their glittering life had a dark side, punctuated by alcoholism and depression for both of them, 


and their legacy includes being famous depressed writers. 


HOW DO YOU KEEP ON WRITING DESPITE FEAR, DOUBT, & SELF-CRITICISM?
1.) ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU'RE WEREN'T AFRAID OR DOUBTFUL.

The mere act of doing usually makes the fear recede in just a few minutes.” 


Pretend, just for a moment, that rejection or failure isn’t the end of life as you know it.


2.) STOP INDULGING YOUR FEARS, DISCOURAGEMENTS, REJECTIONS, & DASHED DREAMS.

Much as we’re driven to write, we feel we must be in the mood – 


as if the clouds should part, the sun should shine and every possible interruption should be silenced

.None of that matters. Write anyway. 

Don’t think about how you feel or if it’s a perfect time to write 

or that you have a thousand other things to do. 


Write anyway. 

You have nothing to share and nothing to sell if there are no words on the page.



3.) REMEMBER THAT REJECTION ISN'T NECESSARILY ABOUT YOUR WRITING. 

You have to be totally dedicated to your writing. 


Forget about rejections – they’re a mandatory part of any career. 

A writer writes. 
If you feel you’ll keep writing even if you never get published, then you’re a real writer.

The markets want they want.  


Tastes will change.  You will grow as a writer if you do not give up.


4.) SEE PAST YOUR EXCUSES TO YOUR REAL FEARS

Writers need to look at their fears directly.


 Recognize them for what they are, 


and be honest with yourself about why you’re not moving forward with your writing goals.

This can be difficult because we give excuses rather than facing our fears.


5.) SET SMALL GOALS

Long-term goals are great for inspiration, but keep a list of small, attainable goals, too, 


and allow yourself to feel proud when you achieve them. 

Reward yourself for finishing a chapter or short story. 

Recognize that sending a few query letters to agents takes time, thought, and effort, 


and don’t discount the success.

I AM HEMINGWAY ... HIS GHOST THAT IS.

 

{"We are all losers,

defeated in the end by death.

But in the long run, defeat is as revealing

and fundamental as victory."- Ernest Hemingway.}


I am Hemingway. I am a ghost.

Who are you?


Can you answer in one sentence? If not, how then will you write a fictional character well?

What is the basic truth of life? Do you know? You need to in order to write a good novel.

The basic truth of life is to be found in the human soul:

the will to live, the will to persevere, to endure, to defy.

It is the frontier mentality -

the individual is on his own, like a Pilgrim walking into the unknown with neither shelter nor guidance, thrown upon his own resources, his strength and his judgment.

My truth shapes my style which is the style of understatement since my hero is a hero of action, which is the human condition.

And it is that human condition that your characters will take with them no matter where your pen leads them. A weakling will always draw the bullies no matter which town he runs to. He will have to face his flaws himself, refine his own nature, and then face the exterior dangers.

All my life I was obsessed with death. I was seriously wounded at midnight on July 18, 1918 at Fossalta, Italy. I nearly died.

I was the first American to be wounded in Italy during World War I.

I felt my soul go out of my body. In the blackness of midnight, I died and felt my soul go out of me, go off, and then come back.

Perhaps that near-death experience is why I am now a ghost. I do not know.

I do know that I became obsessed with death:

Deep sea fishing, bull-fighting, boxing, big-game hunting, war, -

all are means of ritualizing the death struggle in my mind -

it is very explicit in my books such as A Farewell to Arms and Death in the Afternoon, which were based on my own experiences.

And again, briefly, in In Our Time in the lines on the death of Maera.

It reappears, in another setting and form, in the image of immortality in my African story The Snows of Kilimanjaro,

where the dying Harry knows he is going to the peak called "Ngàje Ngài",

which means, as I explained in the introductory note, "the House of God."

Yet, it takes more than being haunted by your inner demons to write well.

It takes imagination.

Imagination is the one thing besides honesty that a good writer must have.

The more he learns from experience, the more truly he can imagine.

If he gets so he can truly imagine, people will think that the things he relates all really happened -- and that he is just reporting.

If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things.

What is the truth of the heroes in my novels?

They are so much their own agents that they do not hesitate to jeopardize life itself to be true to their own nature, their own code.


If you can't have a near-death experience, the next best training for being a good writer is an unhappy childhood.

And thanks to parents being all too flawed, most people have had that.

But forget your personal tragedy. We are all damned from the start so join the club.

It is a sad fact that you have to be especially hurt like hell before you can write seriously.

It's a law of nature. Human nature. And like most laws, you don't have to like it. You just have to live with it.

Dostoevsky was made by being sent to Siberia. Writers are forged in injustice as a sword is forged in the furnace.

Perhaps that is why I suffer like a bastard when I don't write. And why I feel empty and f____ out afterwards. And why I feel so good while writing.

Writing is something that you can never do as well as it can be done.

It is a perpetual challenge, and it is more difficult than anything else I have ever done -- which is why I do it. And it makes me happy when I do it well.

And after each novel, I feared I would never write as well again.

That is why I loved to cover war as a journalist. Every day and each night, there was a strong possibility that I would get killed and not have to write.

Writing is like a disease. I have to write to be happy whether I get paid for it or not. And that makes it worse.

That changes it from a disease to a vice.

And then I want to do it better than anybody has ever done it which makes it into an obsession. Even though I am dead, I still write. Look at me here in this blog.

How is it for you out there?****

HOW DO YOU PERSEVERE?

 

 As bits of burning ceiling rained down on me ... 
I failed my cat, Pebbles, who had scratched me awake to find my bedroom a literal hell.  She had crawled under my bed when I thought she was racing at my side.

The bedroom was an inferno. 

But I had Hercules, my Norwegian Elkhound, in my arms as I crawled along the burning floor of the front room.

The front door seemed miles away.  My lungs burned.  My face blistered on my skull.  My fingers and hands were those of Freddie Kruger.

But I would not fail Hercules, overcome by smoke.  Inch by painful inch, I crawled to my goal.

Closer and closer to the door I crawled.

 My vision dimmed.  I could smell my hair burning.  I ground my teeth.

I would save Hercules or die with him.  Those were the only options for me.  And I made it to the front door.

Hercules died of a heart attack before I got out of the burn ward.  But I had tried my best.


Trying our best is all that any of us can do.


“If you hear a voice within you say
‘you cannot paint’
then by all means paint,
and that voice will be silenced.”
~Vincent van Gogh
 

HOW DO YOU PERSEVERE?


1.) KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

If you have a specific goal, you can take specific steps.

Sometimes the goal is merely to keep your head when fear and despair are wailing inside your mind. 

Know that others before you have triumphed under similar burdens.

Sometimes victory is not an option. 

But you can go down swinging.  Or you can find moments of beauty and peace

made all the more special because they are so fleeting and fragile.


2.) BE STILL AND BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY

Breathe so that your stomach distends when you inhale, then pulls in when you exhale.

Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth.

 Move on with your day, dealing with the situation in a cool and appropriate manner.

If you're in a line or a crowded doctor's office, wait patiently for your turn.

 You have more important things to spend your energy on. 

 Shaking your fist at the rain will not keep you dry.  Getting an umbrella will.


3.) THE DOGS BARK BUT THE LION WALKS ON.

{With thanks to Anne R. Allen}
As you walk the path toward your dream, or just work on persevering in daily life, you might encounter people who question you or tell you you won't get far.

Don't let it weigh you down. Realize that people are usually negative as a result of their own problems and issues they're dealing with.


4.) BE YOUR BEST FRIEND AND TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH

 Be truthful with yourself.

If you've strayed from the path toward your goal, own up to it.

 For example, if your goal is to become a published author, and you haven't set aside time to write, face the facts instead of making excuses for yourself.

 Sometimes the right path is clear, and other times it's murky.

Do what you need to do to see clearly, whether that's meditating, going to a church service, writing in a journal, or another activity that helps you sort through your thoughts.


5.) PROBLEMS, LIKE JEWELS, HAVE MANY FACETS

 Each time you encounter an obstacle, examine the issue from all angles before you take action.

There's always more than one way to handle a problem, and you want to figure out which path makes the most sense without taking any shortcuts.

 It takes courage to act on your beliefs, especially when they aren't popular.

But you can draw strength and confidence from the knowledge that you weighed the options carefully and acted based on your own steadfast beliefs.


6.)  TAKE THE LONG, LARGER VIEW

Know that each trial will eventually pass in some fashion, and do your best to get through it with grace and strength,

so that you can be proud of how you performed later on, when you're looking back.

Understand that while your problems matter,

they don't matter more than other people's. Gain a sense of how large the world is, and engage with it as much as you can.


7.)  FIND SOMETHING AT WHICH TO LAUGH

“Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.” ~Robert Strauss


 Sir, What is the secrete of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And, Sir,what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And,sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions"

THE NIGHT IS DARK, AND I AM SMALL

 

Grim days ...  we've all had them.  You might be going through one right now.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
― Maya Angelou

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher

Sandra, my best friend, who died fighting cancer, once told me,

"Some storms never leave.  You have to learn to dance in the rain."

IT IS NOT HOW WE SEE THE STORM BUT HOW WE SEE OURSELVES

1.) Realize that you are an amazing creation    
Your immune system is intricate and amazing.    Your mind contains the potential to create by-passes to re-route your thinking past damaged areas.     During Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, I saw simple people rally and become heroes.  You can, too.
2.) Still feel down?    
Get your endorphins going and your body moving by taking a brisk walk or lifting some weights (even soup cans or water bottles).  Expensive equipment is not necessary.

3.) Still down?
 Go to your city's homeless shelter or Salvation Army Food Center -- help out those who are hungry and hurting.  Getting involved with the hurts of others might make yours seem less urgent.
4.) Make your body work FOR you:
Dopamine  is the fuel that keeps people motivated to persevere and achieve a goal.
You have the power to increase your production of dopamine by changing your attitude and behavior.
 Scientists have identified higher levels of dopamine -- also known as the "reward molecule" --as being linked to forming lifelong habits, such as perseverance.    
A.) Feel Fat?     
B.) Take the emphasis off talk of "obesity"
 C.) Shift it to empowering  yoursef to want be healthy because you learn to love the feelings and consequences of being physically active and eating better.
The biggest pay-off isn't simply the shedding of pounds or lowering BMI, 

it is the broad spectrum of improvements that activity and health brings to your personal and academic lives.
5.) FIXING THE BLAME DOESN'T FIX THE PROBLEM:     
A.) Stop caressing the problem     
B.) See yourself walking away from the battle a winner.    
C.) Brainstorm every way imaginable to solve the problem -- even ones that seem far-fetched.
6.) BREAK DOWN THE PROBLEM BEFORE YOU HAVE A BREAKDOWN:    
 Most problems can be broken down into do-able units. 

 Clean up your basement one corner at a time.  

Change that tire one lug at a time.  Run that mile one step after another.
7.) THE CLOCK IS TICKING:    
 I once saw an early black and white movie on the Titanic where all through the movie there was a clock in the lower right hand corner of the screen counting down the minutes to that iceberg.     
As I saw people bicker about such trivial things or ignore each other, wasting precious, fleeting moments --  I realized we all have that little clock ticking down.

    
 Let the small stuff slide.  Appreciate the beauty and the people around you while you have them.


8.) WALK YOUR INNER CHILD:

 

9.) LAUGHTER MAY NOT BE THE BEST MEDICINE BUT ...

   The human mind/body relationship is odd.

 

If you force a smile even when you are not happy,

 

the endorphins are still released in a small amount ... andyou feel slightly better.

 

 But don't over-doit: folks might throw a net over you!

 

***
For my friend, Misky, here is a photo of my street orphan, Midnight:

WHEN MET WITH CRUELTY

 

Two of my friends evoked memories of dense cruelty once:


Inger:

A dumb doctor in the ER, at UCLA no less, who insinuated that my husband must be an alcoholic since he has liver cancer. Or so he sounded to me anyway. 

Janie: (In reply to Inger; she had her own memory):

 Inger, I was in the hospital once with a liver problem and a doctor I didn't even know came in the room and shouted at me 

that I needed to get myself to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was appalled and embarrassed to the point that I didn't know what to do or say. I rarely drink.


Once Upon A Time ...

Mother was just starting her battle with Cancer.  

She promised her doctor she would not smoke.  Mother always kept her word.


She said everything could be taken from you but honor.  That you had to give away yourself.
 

Alas, the Nurses Break Room was right next door, and they smoked like chimneys!

One evening I walked in to find Mother sitting, shivering with eyes filled with tears.

My face become flint, and I said low, "What happened, and who is going to be sorry they see me?"

Mother smiled evilly, "Oh, your friend, Sandra, and I have decided how to handle it."

"Uh, oh," I said.

She said, "Oh, nothing obscene, nothing twisted, nothing illegal."

Her doctor had come into her room, sniffed the smoky air (courtesy of the Nurses Break Room) and yelled for ten minutes at her.  

"It is bad enough you lie about smoking but to blame the nurses!"

Mother told him to leave and not to come back.

"I will go when I am ready!"

Mother picked up the steel bedpan and weakly stepped towards him.  


"You are about to be the first doctor crowned with a bedpan ... and this one is full."


He left, promising to be back tomorrow.

And that is all Mother would say.  

She had me repeat all the terrible, corny, but heart-healing jokes my young customers brought each day as their presents to my sick mother.  

We ended the evening visit by softly singing SIDE BY SIDE, our song when I was very little.

I came the next morning, but she would still say nothing of what she and Sandra planned.

As I walked down the hospital hallway that evening, every nurse I passed tried to keep a straight face but broke out laughing.

Uh, oh.

I walked into Mother's room.  A big smile on her face, she sat on the side of her bed, twirling a rubber chicken. 


"I lied about the twisted."



The next morning there was an 8 X 10 framed blow-up of the picture taken by Sandra 

of Mother swatting the stunned doctor with the rubber chicken.

Sandra smirked, "Hey, what was he going to say to the police?  I've been assaulted by a rubber chicken?"

The doctor's partner always came after that.  But he walked in smiling.  He didn't like his partner either.

A VERY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MY FRIENDS

 

To me, mothers share a lot in common with farmers.

Like farmers, they toil every day. 

They sow seeds without a promise of a sure harvest.

Under the most harsh conditions, 

they till the soil, pull weeds, and prune where they believe it is needed.


With no promise of a certain return or a good harvest for all their labor, they work on.


What did my own mother often tell me? 

"Mothers hold their children's hands for only a short time -- but their hearts forever."


And for all their efforts, their loving kindnesses, their reluctant punishments --

they tend to slowly fade into the shadows, 

hidden from the spotlight of their children's ever-growing focus upon themselves, their wants, their lives.

Mothers often grow ghost-like even in the eyes of their husbands, 

chained to the demands of job, bills, and a vitality that is frighteningly leaving them.



For all you mothers out there who feel they are slowly becoming invisible, unappreciated, and alone.