Kimberly Kinrade's Blog, page 18

Forbidden Secrets & More of What You Love!

[image error]Fans of Forbidden Mind, I have exciting news. You have spoken and I have listened. You wanted more in Forbidden Mind. More of the school, more Sam, and more Drake. So I’ve rewritten Forbidden Mind with more of everything you loved in the original. This new version is nearly twice as long and will be available on June 26th, 2012 through Evolved Publishing.

This version will have the same basic plot line as the first, after all, Forbidden Fire is already out so I can’t change too much, but I’ve added a lot of fun content that I hope you’ll enjoy.

So, here are the first two chapters of entirely new content. Enjoy and come join us for the new launch! For those who have purchased the current version, Amazon should be sending a way to update the version you currently have. Evolved will also be doing some 99cent specials for Forbidden Mind!

Let me know what you think! (And remember, my editor hasn’t gotten his hands on this yet!)

Chapter 1-Sam

One more stroke of red… and done! My cramped fingers released the paintbrush reluctantly. After six hours of non-stop painting, no part of my body wanted to move, but all of it needed to. When in the zone I never felt the strain of time, only after the project did it catch up to me—the aching muscles and burning pain in my hand, the serious need to pee.

I darted to the bathroom attached to the art studio and nearly tripped over my still-asleep legs when they failed to move as instructed. With a groan and a very full bladder, I lumbered to the bathroom and relieved myself, then set about to stretch all of my angry muscles.

A deep voice startled me out of my back stretch. “Wow, Sam, this has got to be your best work yet.”

Mr. Krevner, Mr. K for short,  stood in the shadowed corner of the studio and stared at my painting. I’d never seen him so enraptured by any of my work, but his glazed eyes and slack jaw stroked my artistic ego like nothing else could. The 16×24 canvas oil painting that had stolen my social life for the past two months radiated an aliveness and color that I’d never been able to capture before.

My art professor came forward, walking as one might in a church and speaking in a hushed voice. “Where did you get the inspiration for this? The layers of color are extraordinary and the juxtaposition of fluid brush strokes and harsh, jagged lines create a dynamic movement to the piece, a conflict that has been missing in your other work. Extraordinary. What are you calling it?”

The hitch in my voice betrayed my nerves. “The Color of Thought. It represents how I ‘see’ the world, with the thoughts of everyone swirling around me and the conflict I feel at having so many minds invade my own.”

Nothing in my art had ever been so personal. Maybe great art had to be ripped from a person’s soul, before it could evoke emotion in others.

“Do you think it’s good enough? For the contest?” I dipped into his thoughts but he spoke exactly what was on his mind.

His long fingers intertwined with each other and his thin, penciled-in eyebrows shot up and down in excitement. “Good enough? It’s better than that. It’s incredible! In two weeks you’ll be the winner of one of the most prestigious art contests in the world. It’ll make your career and your studies at Sarah Lawrence.”

I covered my painting with the canvas, careful not to touch the wet paint, scrubbed my hands in the sink as clean as I could get them and grabbed my book bag. “I haven’t even gotten accepted yet.”

He walked me to the door and out into the too bright sun. “You will. Don’t worry about it. Your future is assured.”

I shielded my eyes until they could adjust to the light and warmth. “I’m going to get something to eat. I’ll come back later to talk about the details with you.”

When Mr. K smiled, his hawk nose and skeletal facial features transformed into something less reminiscent of The Nightmare Before Christmas. He was almost, for just a moment, handsome—though not my type at all! And way too old, obviously.

“Enjoy your dinner, Sam. We’ll talk more when you get back.” He walked back into the studio, his long scarecrow body barely swimming in his khakis and Grateful Dead t-shirt.

The great clock above the Headmaster’s building chimed four times. Where would Lucy and Luke be this fine Saturday, I wondered. I cocked my head and listened for their mental signatures. A blast of unwelcome thoughts barraged me.

‘Can’t believe I have to study today… Where is my sock?… Really need to get this fire under control… Wish the weekend would last longer… ‘

Our secret school for kids with para-powers only had about 500 students from grade seven to twelve, but that’s still a lot of minds to wade through. Finally, Lucy’s distinctive mental voice pierced through the rest.

I stood on the southeast end of campus, where a cluster of classrooms made up the Fine Arts department. Each building looked like a small mansion that transported itself here from the Tudor period in England. The meticulous landscaping complete with bushes trimmed into animal shapes reinforced the illusion of a proper English estate. Only the high voltage fences surrounding the perimeter spoiled the effect.

The winding cobblestone path led me west from the studio towards the Phys Ed building and training courtyard. Spring hadn’t yet given way to the approaching summer, but today felt like a small victory over a long winter. I basked in the warmth of the sun as I looked for my best friends.

I knew what I’d see when I arrived, and I wasn’t disappointed.

A small crowd had formed around the outdoor training court, which had layers of mats on the ground and my two favorite people standing center stage. Lucy had her much bigger and taller twin brother, Luke, in a choke hold  from which he struggled to remove himself. Students passed small wads of cash back and forth, clearly betting on the winner. When Luke flipped Lucy on her back and pinned her petite frame on the mat, those who had bet on Luke started cheering.

They didn’t know Lucy.

She scissored her legs around her brother’s neck and flipped herself up so that she straddled his neck. Incredible! With another hip move she knocked him down and had him pinned for the count.

More cheers and exchanges of money as she stood and offered her hand to him. He grudgingly accepted and they pushed through the crowds, finally spotting me.

Luke draped his long arm over my shoulder. His blue eyes twinkled even as he moaned and groaned in mock abuse. “Did you see what this pint-size maniac did to me? Appalling.”

I laughed and tugged at Lucy’s dark ponytail. “You sure showed him.”

She smiled a 100-watt smile. “Did you finish? Do I finally get to see this super secret painting that has kept you in hermit mode for months?”

My grin spread into a full on face cramping smile. “It’s done! And it’s… I can’t even explain. It’s the best thing I’ve ever painted!”

They both grabbed my arms and pulled me back to the studio. “We want to see it now!” they said in unison.

“But I’m so hungry. I haven’t eaten all day.” They ignored my pleas as we retraced my steps.

Truth be told, as much as my rumbling stomach needed food, I was way more excited to share my work with my best friends. I hadn’t shown anyone this painting while I worked on it, and being out of any loop never sat well with my feisty friend.

The door to the studio hung open just a crack, and angry screams assaulted us as we approached. Luke and Lucy looked to me, as if I knew what was going on. I shrugged my shoulders in the universal I’ve-got-no-freaking-idea way and crept to the door. I could have just slipped into their minds, but listening to people talk out load and mentally was hard to track and gave me a pretty big headache. At that moment, I was more interested in what they were saying, or rather screaming, to each other.

We didn’t want to budge the door and draw attention to ourselves, so Luke pushed his head through. He bobbed in and out so quickly, I almost missed it. Being able to walk through anything was mighty handy at times.

I nudged him. “Well?”

“Higgins and Mr. K. They both look pretty pissed.”

They sounded it too. I’d never heard Headmaster Higgins yell at any of the teachers, or students for that matter. He wasn’t a pushover by any stretch, but he’d always been level headed—until today.

Higgins shouted at Mr. K. “How could you enter her without permission from me? Do you realize what you’ve done? This could ruin the school and everything we’re doing here.”

Was Higgins talking about me?

Mr. K replied with the same volume and anger. I could imagine the vein over his left eye bulging just then. “You have no idea how talented that girl is! She should be at the best art school in the world, not hidden here like a freak of nature. It’s my job to make sure she has a future when she leaves this god awful place, and I’m not letting you, or the people you work for, stand in my way. Or hers.”

They must have been talking about me, but it made no sense. Why didn’t Higgins want me entering the contest and why did Mr. K hate this place so much?

“Don’t you mean, the people we work for. They employ us both, and you’d do well to remember that Mr. Krevner. Their reach extends beyond the gates of this school.”

I couldn’t believe it. Was the headmaster actually threatening my art teacher? What was going on?

“You will pull her from that competition and clean up the mess you’ve made, or your days here are numbered. Am I making myself clear?”

Something crashed into a wall and we all jumped back in surprise.

“Everything is very clear. You use her and her gifts, rent her and all these kids out to the highest bidder as spies, and now that she has a chance to shine on her own merit doing something she truly loves, you want to snuff that? If you want to destroy her dreams, you can do it yourself. I’ll have no part in it.”

Footsteps approached the door our ears pressed against. I tripped back, grabbed Luke and Lucy, and the three of us ducked around the corner of the building. I peeked out just as Mr. K stormed out of the studio; his face had turned bright red and looked squished together in anger. Not his best look.

Headmaster Higgins followed him out moments later. He adjusted his pin stripe navy blue suit and plastered a calm mask over his face. His midnight black skin did not reveal his recent spike in blood pressure the same way that Mr. K’s had, but the tight way he held his shoulders and the fists he made of his hands spoke to the anger and stress he carried.

Tears stung my eyes and I swiped at them with the back of my hand, which still had splashes of paint stained into it. If they pulled me from the contest, hundreds of hours of hard work would be waisted and my future would get flushed down the toilet. That couldn’t happen!

When both men were gone, the three of us snuck back into the studio and closed the door behind us. My enthusiasm had been drained out of me, like dirty bathtub water. I sniffled and wiped my traitorous eyes again.

Lucy put her arm around me. “Cheer up, Chica. We’ll figure this out, I promise. They can’t keep you from this, not after all the hard work you’ve done. And you’ll be leaving for New York soon. Luke and I will join you there within a month and we’ll make all of our dreams come true, just watch!”

I tried to smile, for her sake, but the smile didn’t reach my eyes.

Luke rubbed my head like I was his pet dog. “Where’s this painting I’ve been hearing so little about?”

I swatted his hand and couldn’t suppress a small, but genuine smile. Luke could always cheer me. Funny, gorgeous, and so much like a brother it sucked. “Over here.”

The canvas draped over my painting appeared undisturbed. A sigh of relief escaped me. At least nothing had happened to it. “Close your eyes.”

They both groaned but did as they were told.

Fear and nerves buzzed through me as I pulled the canvas off. What if they hated it? What if everyone hated it and my dreams of being a real artist died before they could even be born? My lungs clenched with stale breath and I exhaled before I got too dizzy. “Okay, you can look!”

They stood there, jaws dropped, stunned into silence. They either hated it or totally loved it.

“Um, is this a bad or good silence?”

Lucy pulled her mouth closed and swallowed before she spoke. “O.M.G. Sam, this is the most incredible, unbelievable thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You painted this?”

“You like it?”

Her mental voice slammed into me. ‘Would I lie to you? It’s amazing!’

Relief flooded me even as I laughed at her joke. I could read minds, sure, but she was the human lie detector. No one dared lie to her. Luke hugged me and whispered into my ear. “I’m so proud of you, Sam. This is truly epic!”

We stood there staring for several minutes. This painting represented so much about me, my life, my future… everything. I hated to leave it, but my stomach protested its neglect with a loud rumble.

Luke grabbed my hand. “Come on, let’s feed you. My treat.”

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Chapter 2-Sam

The Hub occupied prime real estate in the middle of campus and offered the only thing that passed for excitement at our school, which we had dubbed Rent-A-Kid. On such a beautiful day, every shop and cafe was open for business. The Hub was our little town, the only place we had to buy clothes, food, knickknacks and whatever else we needed or wanted. If a store didn’t have what we needed, they’d order it.

We walked down the tree lined sidewalks and looked for a restaurant that had space for us. Three girls from my math class were just getting up to leave as we approached The Bistro, a fun deli that served the best meatball subs. We snagged the table and settled in for a much needed meal.

The waitress took our order promptly, probably trying to get people in and out as quickly as possible for more tips. Luke sipped his soda with over-the-top slurping noises.

“Honestly, you are such a pig, Luke.”

He threw his wadded up straw paper at me. “Wacha gonna do about it, pip squeak?”

I stuck my tongue at him, then settled into a sulk, arms crossed over my chest. “What am I going to do if Higgins pulls me from the contest?”

Lucy’s brown eyes blazed with fire. “He wouldn’t dare! You’ve worked too hard for that. And Mr. K won’t let him pull you. I think he’d crawl across sharp glass with your painting strapped to his back all the way to New York if he had to, just to make sure you were entered. Honestly, I think the only reason he still teaches here is because of you.”

“He does seem really unhappy. Why do you think he hates it here so much?” I looked around at the palatial grounds and happy students strolling the streets. We had everything we could ever need. Sure, it got boring and lonely sometimes, but the occasional assignment to places all over the world kept it interesting and made coming home a nice change of pace. Why would he want to leave?

Our meals arrived, and talking ceased as we all took big bites of our sandwiches.

The warm meatballs and toasted honey and oat bread had never tasted better.

Lucy talked through a mouth full of roasted turkey breast. “Who knows, but it’s not so crazy, is it? I mean how badly do we want to leave?”

“That’s different. We all have para-powers that make us vulnerable in the real world, and make some of us dangerous. We’re here to learn to control our powers and to protect us from those who might exploit us. We have no choice, at least until we turn eighteen and are finally free! But Mr. K is a teacher and as far as schools go, we’ve got it pretty good. I mean, we’ve all had to go to other schools while on assignment, and they suck compared to this! Here he gets to work with state of the art equipment, he gets any kind of art supply he wants, and an incredible studio. Why leave?”

Luke paused from inhaling his bacon burger long enough to respond. “True. Some of those schools are scary. Don’t know how anyone learns anything. But who knows? Maybe he just doesn’t like how secluded we are or that he has to keep secrets about where he works and what he does. I doubt any teacher here has much of a life off campus, ya know?”

I finished my last bite of sandwich and wiped the extra marina sauce off my lips with a napkin. “I’m going to go talk to Higgins. I can’t lose this chance.”

Lucy picked a stray piece of chicken from her plate and plopped it into her mouth. “Do you want us to come? Moral support? Back up? Whatever.”

“Nah, you two need showers after all your sparring. I’ll be okay. When I’m done I’ll find you in your suite.”

Luke left money for our dinner and the tip and we parted ways as they walked back to the dorms and I made my way to Higgins’ office. Normally he took the weekends off, but I had a suspicion he’d be there today. The main offices took up the northwest corner of campus, which was basically shaped like a square and surrounded by an electrified fence and a brick wall with tall trees cloaking the outside. We’d gone on field trips before during survival training, and while I didn’t know what state we were in, or even what country, I did know that we were surrounded by woods. Lots of woods. My guess? Our locale felt distinctly North American, though I couldn’t pin point exactly why. The weather made me think Pacific Northwest, or Midwest, with the seasonal changes and landscape.

I walked past the only entrance or exit on campus and waved at the guard who stood post at the gate. Old Charlie was a staple at Rent-A-Kid and always treated us well. He smiled and waved back. He looked harmless, but he’d done some demonstrations for us in martial arts. I wouldn’t mess with him. Even Luke and Lucy, who put my sad excuse for combat skills to shame, bowed to his ninja ways. It had always made me feel safe, knowing Old Charlie was standing guard, protecting us from anyone who might discover our secret location and cause us harm.

The offices were cloaked in the shadows of twilight and none of the lights inside appeared to be on. I turned the knob, relieved that it wasn’t locked, and let myself in. A voice carried from Higgins’ office. The conversation sounded one sided so I assumed he was on the phone. I opened my mind and pressed into his thoughts.

‘Damage control. Must contain this situation before it gets to the top. Damn Krevner, should never have hired him. Always has been a renegade. What to tell Sam?’

When he stopped talking I knocked on his door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Sam. Can I talk to you?”

‘Crap, not ready to deal with her.’ “Can this wait?”

“Um, not really, can I come in?”

‘Damn Krevner.’ “Sure, come on in.”

Higgins office, normally so meticulous, from the always clean and empty trashcan, to the perfectly placed pens and pencils, now looked surprisingly messy. Crumpled up papers covered his desk, his suit jacket slouched in a pile on the floor like a deflated man, and his tie hung down his chest at an odd angle, as if he’d been pulling at it. He ran his hands through his greying hair, and I could see his toned muscles flex under his shirt. For someone in his 50s, he was pretty cut. “Sam, I’m actually glad you came. I have an assignment for you.”

This was unexpected. “Headmaster Higgins, I really can’t go on assignment right now. I have the art contest to prep for, an interview with Sarah Lawrence coming up, and homework. I’m swamped.”

‘What do I do about this damn art contest? How do I get out of this?’

“You know I can read your mind, right? I also overheard you and Mr. K screaming at each other. Actually, I’m surprised the whole school didn’t hear. You can’t pull me from the contest. I have to be in it! I’ve worked so hard on this painting and if I win, Sarah Lawrence is guaranteed. So is my career.”

He shuffled his hands back and forth nervously, then put them on his lap when he saw me looking. “I’m sorry, Sam, but it’s too much exposure for the school. We have to keep a low profile to keep you all safe. How do we explain who you are or where you’re from if you win?”

A tightness formed in my chest. “You create believable false identities for us every time we leave this campus. Why can’t you use my new identity, the one I’ll be using at Sarah Lawrence. I’m assuming their admissions department have some fake history for me there, right? So I become her, whoever she is, and I take on that role like any other assignment. It doesn’t seem like it would be that hard.”

“I’ll give it some thought and see what we can do, okay? But only if you agree to take this assignment. It just came in, it’s an important client and it has your name, and para-power, written all over it.”

He scooted a file across the desk and I opened it up while he gave me a verbal briefing. “Henry Dollinger needs dirt on his business partner, Ronald Beaumont, so he can force a buy out and control the company himself. He knows Beaumont is hiding something, but can’t figure out what.”

“That’s where I come in. You want me to crack open his mind and dig out his secrets.”

Higgins’ chair squeaked as he sat back in it. “Yes. You leave on Tuesday. We’re putting together your identity now.”

“What? My interview with Sarah Lawrence is on Friday. I’ll never have enough time to get there, do this job and get back.”

“It shouldn’t take you that long to get what you need. And while you’re gone, I’ll do everything I can to keep you in the art contest, deal?”

I considered it. I’d never turned down an assignment before and I was within my rights to do so now if I wanted, but I had no idea what the consequences would be if I did. At the very least, I’d lose all chance of being in the contest.

Even as my head nodded yes, my gut screamed no. Everything about this felt off, but what could I do?

“Oh, and I’ll be sending a guard with you.”

My eyebrow shot up. “Why?” I scratched at the hidden tracking device in my forearm. “You always know where I am. It’s not like I can get lost or kidnapped.”

“It’s not that. Another organization has formed, a group bent on destroying anyone with para-powers. Several teens and children have been killed or seriously injured from random attacks. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

My heart skipped a beat. I knew that kids with para-powers who weren’t protected by Rent-A-Kid were at risk, but I didn’t realize they were being aggressively attacked… and even killed. Still, a guard?

“How will I explain it?”

“It’s part of your cover. You’re the daughter of Dollinger’s college roommate. Your father is powerful and has enemies, and your life has been threatened. You’re staying with Dollinger, under guard, while your family deals with the threats.”

I nodded. “Makes sense. Okay, I’ll be ready on Tuesday, but I need to be back by Thursday. Be prepared to extricate me quickly.”

“We will. And thanks, Sam. Is there anything else you needed from me?”

“No, but I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”

As I left the office I slipped back into his mind, but he blocked me by thinking Shakespeare sonnets over and over.

What was Higgins afraid of thinking that he didn’t want me to know?

My gut tightened in fear of whatever that might be.

12 eBooks To Entertain You for Hours – A 3-Day Event from Evolved Publishing!

As many of you know, I’m signed with Evolved Publishing as my publisher, and I’m also their Marketing Director. This week they are doing an awesome promotion where you can get all of my books, (Forbidden Mind, Forbidden Fire, Lexie World and Bella World), plus 8 more awesome reads on SALE!

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Here’s the deal!

Evolved Publishing is making it easier for you to enjoy their eBooks. Get 12 of them, each with fantastic reviews, some awards, and legions of fans… for just $2.99 each (SAVINGS of $1-2 EACH). But hurry! This special event lasts for 3 DAYS ONLY – May 22-24.

Check out what they’re offering:

An Epic Fantasy unlike any you’ve read before, sure to redefine the genre forever
A riveting Psychological Suspense Thriller that delves into the mind of a serial killer, and of the man who hunts such monsters
2 YA Paranormal Thriller/Romance from the Award-Winning Forbidden series, featuring kids from the notorious Rent-A-Kid school (by yours truly!
A YA Paranormal Fantasy featuring Norse Gods and Valkyries
A YA Romantic Adventure featuring Zombies and set in the Old West
A Historical Fiction novel with a rare, uplifting, authentic glimpse into Native American Indian culture
2 Lower-Grade Chapter Books (Color-Illustrated) with important life lessons for kids 4-9, featuring Unicorns and Garbage Goblins and Dragons, oh my! (Also by yours truly!)
A Children’s Picture Book for kids 3-6 years old, with charming illustrations sharing the wayward adventures of an intrepid bird
A Memoir to inspire and motivate teens and young adults
A Short Story Anthology with 10 terrific tales from 10 talented authors

Don’t miss this chance to load-up your Kindle! Click the link below for list of selections:

Evolved Publishing – Current Promotions

And please enjoy!

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My Unbreakable Heart: Part 8: What Recovery Is NOT

[image error]I spent six months of my second pregnancy as a single mom with an infant child in the middle of nowhere, with no family or friends.

My husband spent his time hitting the bars, writing bad checks, and living on the military base, reliving his bachelor days while I lived in low income housing, went on welfare, and tried to find a job that would take a very pregnant woman with a college degree and an infant.

I was overqualified for just about everything, and didn’t have the right degrees or experience to work in the military or medical professions, the only jobs that were hiring!

It was a desperate time for me, but I learned how to be strong. How to see miracles in everyday moments and stand on my own, providing for my children.

When my husband hit rock bottom he was kicked off the base for not caring for his family. He ended up in a homeless shelter. The day he moved, I was the only one there to help him. Where were all the friends he’d partied with for months? Where were his “brothers”?

They were not there. I was there. Heavy with child, in the cold rain and snow, helping carry his boxes.

Why did I help?

I was still breaking out of the co-dependent patterning that kept me trapped in that marriage for so long. This is not as easy as it might sound.

Years later I still have to catch myself. I am in a loving relationship with an amazing man. A man who doesn’t let me take on the role of an enabler. He reminds me, “Kimberly, it’s not your job to make me happy.”

How does a man so much younger than me (that’s a whole other post have so much more wisdom than the 36 year old I was married to for nearly a decade?

Addictions stunt the emotional growth of everyone they possess. My ex-husband had the emotional maturity of a child.

Being homeless seemed to wake him up, at least temporarily. He checked himself into a month long alcohol rehab program paid for by the military. We went to all the family classes. Our marriage started to miraculously heal!

He came home just in time for the birth of our second daughter. It was a magical moment and I finally felt some hope that our family would survive. The next three months were the best of our marriage. We were happy, in love, and growing together as a couple. Our girls were happy. We were pulling ourselves out of the self-inflicted despair to which we’d become accustomed.

I should have known it wouldn’t last.

Just as our lives felt whole and safe, the demon of war came calling for my husband. He was deployed to Iraq as a combat medic. And I knew, in the way I knew when my dreams were more than dreams, I knew that he would not make it home safe. He’s make it home alive, I knew this. I never feared for his physical safety in that way. He would be injured, but not badly. He would come home in one piece physically–but his soul would be shattered.

I told him this. Explained what I’d seen. He didn’t listen. Couldn’t listen. The military owned him. He had to go.

But he didn’t have to stay. That choice he made on his own. It was those choices that ruined him. Destroyed us.

We conceived our third daughter while he was on leave from Iraq, but our marriage died as the demons that haunted him his whole life were fed on fear and hate in the sandbox.

I tried to fight it. I tried to heal it. But this destruction was beyond my power to fight or heal. My life began to die without my permission. And my three little girls became the true casualties of war.

***

This is the eight part of a 10-part series on domestic violence and relationships based on my life. Please come back next Monday for the next post, Letting Go , or follow my blog or sign up to receive email updates. You can also like my Facebook Page for updates on my blog, my books and more. To get caught up, start with Part 1: Why We Stay.

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Turns out, I’m not Super Woman, just Human, and that has to be okay.

[image error]It’s true. What a serious let-down to realize I can’t do all of it, all the time, giving 110% full time.

Well, I can try, but here’s what happens. First, I get derailed by a week of intense carpal tunnel pain in my right hand, to the point where 2 minutes of typing is unendurable!

So, I fix that. Some meds, some yoga, a new keyboard, some stretching, and double time to catch up on all that slacking while in pain.

Then, I get sick. Really sick. First it’s a cold, then it’s major allergies, now it’s bronchitis or pneumonia. I had a phone consult with a doctor who said I need meds and lots of rest.

Right! I’m on major deadline, doesn’t he understand that? And I’m Super Woman, I can push through. Some Allergy pills, 5-Hour-Energy and tea, and I’ll get it all done.

Um, not so much. See, I can’t breathe. I’m coughing so bad I’m vomiting. Everything hurts and I can’t focus. In six days, I’m supposed to have a full rewrite (i.e.: add 30k) of Forbidden Mind and a polished draft of Forbidden Life to my editors for my June 26th big launch of the final book in the Forbidden Trilogy, my YA paranormal thriller/romance series.

I also need to do edits on Maddie World, for the final installment of the special edition trilogy of the Three Lost Kids, my children’s fantasy chapter book series.

Then I planned to launch The Reluctant Familiar, my new YA/MG fantasy series, and The[image error] Three Lost Kids and the Death of the Sugar Fairy on Oct. 2, and The Three Lost Kids and the Christmas Curse on November 26th, along with a YA Anthology I’m spear heading with other awesome YA authors at Evolved Publishing.

Then I had planned to launch a completely new trilogy, all three books in one day, co-written with my soon-to-be-husband. We wanted to do this in January, along with The Three Lost Kids and Cupid’s Capture.

All of these books would have to be written by December.

I also had The Kiss of Life, a serial novel, going on my blog that I planned to publish this year.

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Dmytry and our kids watching a movie together!

In addition to this, I’m a mother of three little girls, am getting married on July 2nd to the very amazing Dmytry Karpov, and work as Marketing Director for Evolved Publishing and a Sr. Campaign Manager for Novel Publicity. I also take on freelance clients from time to time.

Super Woman? That’s me.

Not.

So I had a break down tonight. Maybe because I can’t breathe, or because my 6 day deadline is scaring the hell out of me, but I finally admitted to my editor that I need to rethink my publishing plan. Um, duh, he’s been telling me this for almost a year. I’ve needed three artists and two editors to keep up with me!

So here’s the deal– and I’m really sorry if this disappoints those of you who are waiting on one book or another–but in order to keep some of my sanity and health, I have to be more realistic.

The new and (I hope) improved Forbidden Mind, will still launch June 26th, along with Maddie World, if my artist has the art ready.

Forbidden Life is now pushed to Aug. 15th. I know a lot of you are dying for the final installment of this series, and I want so badly to get it to you, but I want to give you the best possible version of this book, and I can’t do that by June. I probably couldn’t even give you a crappy version by June, given my health.

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At Evolved, we are committed to quality. Our editorial process is rigorous. I’m not going to put out something that doesn’t measure up. My editors and publishers wouldn’t let me. So I hope you can wait until August for the last Forbidden.

I’m pushing the launch of The Reluctant Familiar to November 26th, but keeping all the Lost Kid launch dates the same.

And my trilogy with Dmytry, Blood of the Fallen, will launch in March, 2013 instead of January. We still have to have them all written by December, but it gives us a little more time.

Finally, I’m pulling The Kiss of Life from my site and tabling it indefinitely. I may finish it and publish it one day, but I simply can’t write 7 books at once. Who knew?

I hope you all understand and will still stick around for my launches and new books. I hope you don’t hate me for making you wait a bit longer for Forbidden Life, but I think you will be glad you waited, once I can deliver a higher quality product (and live to tell the tale!)

Also, I think you’ll really LOVE the YA anthology Evolved is putting out on November 26th. Look for three of my stories from the worlds of Forbidden Mind, The Reluctant Familiar and Death by Destiny, and stories by Emlyn Chand, Angela Scott, T.G. Ayer, Dmytry Karpov, Michael Dadich, Ranee Dillon and more!

So, I still have some great fun planned for all you YA and children’s fantasy lovers out there. I just hope to deliver in a way that will allow me to keep breathing.

I hope you don’t mind!

Now, I’m off to bed. Doctor’s orders!

What happens when a witch and a cat god meet? Find out!

[image error]I’m excited to reveal the cover for my next series. As many of you know, the Forbidden Trilogy will be complete as of June 26th, and I have a new book coming out October 2, 2012. This is it, with it’s new, fancy cover!

Some of you may remember this book from last fall, before I got sidetracked by the Rent-A-Kid stories. I’m so excited to get back to Agnes and Sebastian! So here’s a bit about the book and a sneak peek, though please know this is entirely unedited and rough!

A big thanks to Sam Keiser, artist extraordinaire, for his awesome work on this cover!

The Reluctant Familiar (Book 1, The Reluctant Familiar Series)

Shamed by her family.

A disgrace to witches everywhere.

Agnes must decide:

Is she a normal 13-year-old-girl, or the most powerful witch alive?

After a  seemingly chance encounter with a flea-ridden alley cat finds her bonded to a god and in possession of powers she has no control over, life is anything but normal.

As if that’s not enough to upset a girl’s day, a powerful ring has been stolen, and Agnes and Sebastian are the only hope for getting it back and saving the world from the crazed plans of a powerful diety.

If they succeed, they will each get their heart’s desire.

But if they fail, death will be their only reward.

Look for it October 2, 2012 through Evolved Publishing.

Cover art by Sam Keiser.

~*~

A scratchy tongue licked my face. Pressure on my chest, heavy but not unpleasant. Fur. Memories trickled into my befuddled mind. With memories came pain. Shooting pain. Mind-numbing pain. The ground shook. No, wait. Was I shaking? That seemed more likely than the alternative, my rational mind argued.

Understanding eluded me. Like trying to put together a complex puzzle without the box as a guide. I couldn’t see what shape my mismatched thoughts and senses were making. I dreaded the experience of opening my eyes, but suspected it was necessary if I wanted to avoid spending my life in a dirty alley. I was still in the alley, wasn’t I?

My hands brushed the ground around me. Yes. It felt like it. The weight on my chest purred. Oh. My eyelids peeled themselves back reluctantly. Large silver eyes bore into mine with an expression that was out of place on an animal. A mixture of annoyance, resignation and gratitude. Odd.

But not as odd as…

You’re finally awake.

The voice that broadcasted itself into my mind was male. Slightly British sounding. Haughty. And…cat-like.

Cat-like? No. That can’t be. Unless I’m dreaming? Yes. That made more sense. I hit my head, I reasoned, and am now pulling bits of my real life and my fantasy life of Narnia into my unconsciousness.

You are not dreaming, unfortunately, said the voice with more than a little condescension.

Not that I’m not quite grateful for your fortuitous intervention, mind you. But really, did you have to be so dramatic about the whole thing? A little over-the-top if you ask me.

I groaned. The cat was, in fact, talking. Albeit in my head. And this wasn’t a dream. Too much pain for a dream, for one. And the level of clarity and mundane chronology also argued for reality. I sighed. Not a great day for me. I still didn’t understand what I’d done.

You really have no idea what you’ve done do you? The cat asked, clearly appalled.

“Duh! That’s what I’ve been saying…er… thinking!” I finally spoke out loud just to see if I could. It came out more like a croak.

“I don’t even have any magick. I’m not a proper Witch. I couldn’t have done anything!” I explained.

The cat laughed a sarcastic sort of laugh.

“Yes, ok. So glad I amuse you. Now can you kindly get off me? I can’t breathe.”

He hopped off my chest gracefully and paced as I slowly lifted myself to sitting position. World spun. Stomach flipped and flopped. Head pounded. Not fun.

What could have possibly given you the idea that you have no power my dear girl? That is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard!

I stammered. “Well, I just have never had any. Everyone else got a gift. Something they could do. I didn’t. And I saw hundreds of the finest cats in the Pacific Northwest, and nothing. Not one little tiny flicker of bonding. So everyone assumed…” my voice trailed off as I relived the last two years of brutal tests and experiments.

For my family to have an Ungifted child meant they would lose everything. Their standing in the Council. Their work for the Magistrate. Our money. House. All of it. It was the worst fate for a Witch family. Worse than if I had died at birth. I was not unaware of this. Ever.

Which is why I had tried so hard to please them. I didn’t want it. Any of it. I would have much preferred to be left alone. But I couldn’t give up if it meant my family would lose it all because of me. That didn’t seem right. Though trying to be someone I clearly wasn’t so we could live in a huge house seemed wrong on some level too. I just didn’t know what the right answer was. Maybe there wasn’t a right answer. Maybe the world was made up of grey. Like my new friend here.

Startled, I realized I was actually having a conversation with this cat. In my head. I began worrying about my sanity again.

The cat sighed. It was a funny sound coming from him.

This is precisely why I’ve no interest in being attached to a witch. He spit the word out like it was a vulgarity. They are so enamored with their own selves and their political machinations. It really is entirely too human for my taste.

It hit me then. What he said. What it implied. What it meant. I felt dizzy.

“Wait. Are you…um…no. Are you saying we bonded? That YOU are my Familiar? And…I have magick?”

You’re not very bright are you? Pity, that. I thought the least the Fates could do if they were to stick me with such an unfortunate circumstance would be to give me a clever Witch-girl with whom to amuse myself. This could get tedious very quickly.

He sat regally as he spoke. Tail swishing behind him. Silver eyes gleaming.

Yes, scrawny one. We have bonded. And yes, you are most definitely full of magick. Brimming with it. There’s that at least. Not unexpected though. Only very powerful magick could bond with the likes of me.

You know I’ve only recently come back to this world after much time away for… well…let’s just say for personal reasons. I remember you earth people being much smarter. It seems this polluted air has indeed killed off some genetic brain matter. For if the Witches around you can’t feel your power from acres away, then they are dim-witted indeed!

I was magick? And bonded? Oh gods be damned. That was…well…that wasn’t possible. Was it?

I screeched and nearly kicked the cat as I stood.

My head pounded in panic and pain.

“My parents are going to KILL me! I’ve bonded to an alley cat. They will never forgive me. Ever.”

He hissed and his hair stood on end.

An alley cat?? Of all the…my girl, I will forgive this transgression this once, what with your inherent inferiority and recent strain, but never again. I am neither alley bred, nor am I entirely a cat, per se. Certainly I am not a Being to be scorned or trivialized as your tone of voice implied. Why, in my glory days the Pharaoh himself raised offerings to…

His voice droned on as I picked up my dropped book and gave myself a once over. Did I look different? I couldn’t tell. But I did feel…funny somehow. Then I noticed the birds. They were lying on the pavement in a triangle. Still as stone. Dead.

Bile rose up in my throat.

I couldn’t bring myself to kill a spider. I didn’t even eat meat. I refused to condone the killing of animals for my food if there were other options available.

And I had just ended the life of three birds. Using magick. Do No Harm. My first act as a Witch and I broke our most sacred covenant. Could this day get any worse?

Well, as it turns out, that’s not a great question to ask yourself. Trust me.

Tears burned my eyes. I swiped at them impatiently and looked at the cat. My Familiar. My constant companion for the rest of my life. What had I done?

My Unbreakable Heart: Part 7: One Night and An Eternity of Sorrow

[image error]“Honey, where is that spare checkbook that you used to buy my birthday present?”

It was an innocent enough question–with unimagined consequences.

Would I have asked about the checkbook if I’d known what it would lead to?

Would it have happened regardless?

I don’t know.

That day I had a migraine. My husband offered to go on a walk with our nursing 6-month-old daughter so I could take a nap.

We had just gotten our own place after living with his uncle and aunt our first month in Montana.

I’d never lived in the middle of nowhere before. I was born in Southern California! Had gone to college in New York. Studied at the Sorbonne in Paris, France.

Helena, Montana was a whole new experience for me. But I was up for the adventure. I mean, I wasn’t planning on hunting buffalo any time soon, but I could handle Big Sky country.

What I couldn’t handle was his family who hated me and only tolerated my presence because I was part of the baby/husband package deal.

So we were finally on our own. The promise of more military opportunities lured us away from Surf City to the place where buffalos roam.

It was a new beginning. The end of the drinking. Of the abuse. We would work on our marriage. Build our family with our new little girl.

This new world held so much promise for us, until that night.

The night where I lived an eternity of sorrow.

The night he kidnapped my child.

My nap lasted into the night. When I woke, I was disoriented and confused. Where were they? How had I slept so long? I called into our empty house, to no answer.

I called his cell phone. Same result.

I left a voicemail message.

The first message was calm. “Hey honey, I’m not sure where you guys ended up but please give me a call. Our girl needs to nurse so come home soon.”

The dozens of messages to follow increased in panic and fear.

By 1 a.m. I was in full-blown terror. I’d called the police. Filed a report. Called the few people I knew to see if they’d heard from him. Nothing. His voicemail was full so I started checking his messages. Most of them were my panicked voice pleading with him to call me.

Except one.

It was a woman. And my child was screaming in the background.

“Hey guys, you need to bring the suds home. Your kid won’t shut up. She’s been crying since you left. Call me.”

That message was my undoing. What little hold I had on calm fled in that moment and I sobbed and sobbed until I used all the tears in my soul. Then I sobbed some more.

I didn’t know this woman. Didn’t know where he could have gone or who he might have left our child with.

What was she eating?  Was she hurt? What was I going to do?

There are a surprising number of bars in that small town. I guess drinking is a favorite pastime. I tried to track him down, but couldn’t find him.

I did, however, discover that the missing checkbook that triggered this whole evening had been used to write bad checks at every bar in town.

I also discovered that while he was busy showing me houses he wanted to buy together, he was shopping around for a place of his own in order to leave me.

Was I married to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde? This was unreal.

I spent the entire night away from my child. The next day police found him and were able to bring her back to me. They wouldn’t tell me where he was and he refused to speak to me for many days.

I thought it was over. That we were over. That I wouldn’t ever recover from that night.

Little did I know that fate had other plans.

I discovered this in another dream. I was pregnant again. With another girl.

***

This is the seventh part of a 10-part series on domestic violence and relationships based on my life. Please come back next Monday for the next post, What Recovery is NOT , or follow my blog or sign up to receive email updates. You can also like my Facebook Page for updates on my blog, my books and more. To get caught up, start with Part 1: Why We Stay.

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My 2 Week Social Media Sabbatical or Why I’m Not Online!

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Where has all my time gone?

I’ve decided to unplug as much as possible from the internet and social media for the next two weeks. So as not to alarm anyone (I’m not dead, don’t send the Calvary), and because I like to imagine that people would in fact be worried if I just disappeared, I’m letting you all know the when’s and why’s and suches.

Forbidden Life, the final book in the Forbidden Trilogy, is due to my editors at Evolved Publishing on May 22, 2012. It’s launching on June 26th, 2012, which is going to be a huge day for Evolved as we have several new books coming out that day. As Marketing Director and one of the authors for Evolved, I actually picked this day and pushed for it as my launch. I made my bed…

…now I must lie in it. Or rather, not lie in it, and stay up all night writing because I’m[image error] behind. Don’t tell my editors… they’d kill me… but yeah, I’m behind. I’ll make it. Somehow. But I’m going to need every minute I can squeeze from my life between now and then. I had a serious problem with my fingers and wrists for over a week and couldn’t type. As you can imagine, this set me back a bit! And I also have a client load with Novel Publicity, where I work as a Sr. Campaign Manager marketing for other authors, so I still have work during this time too.

And there’s more.

I have a short story due May 15th for Evolved Publishing’s next anthology. I’m excited about this short story! It’s called The Seeker and is the backstory for the Seeker in Forbidden Fire. If you’ve read that book you’re going to definitely want to read this story! There’s a contest going on about it, and if you’re a writer and want to enter, there’s still time! Check it out here.

I have the story outlined, mostly, but there is that small bit about the writing of it that needs doing.

But that’s not all…

In a very big and thought out decision and after many conversations with my editors and with Evolved, I’ve decided to offer a new, extended edition of Forbidden Mind and republish it on the day the series launches. June 26th. Guess when this rewrite is due?

I’m adding about 20-30k words to this book, and though the main plot line will, by necessity, be the same, it will have more of Drake, more of the school and just… well… more of everything.

Oh and one more thing…

[image error]I’m also finishing the final edits for Maddie World, the final book in the Special Edition Trilogy for the Three Lost Kids. If all goes well with my artist who’s doing the illustrations, that too will launch on June 26th.

Do you now see why I need two weeks to focus big time?

I will have to embrace an iron will of discipline to stop procrastinating on Book of Face and the Twitter and even email. I still have to check email for work, but I’m putting myself on a schedule with office hours, or I’ll never make my deadline and my editors really will kill me.

So will my fans… maybe.

I hope you’ll miss me and I hope you’ll remember me when I come back. They say the cyber universe has a short memory. We shall see. I still have blog posts going up on Mondays for my ongoing Unbreakable Heart series, but I will be taking a few weeks off of The Kiss of Life serial novel. I’m sorry for those who are loving the book. I will resume it as soon as I finish Forbidden Life, I promise!

I have some exciting things in store this year and next for those of you who love my work. I can’t wait to write all the books on my schedule!

For those who are so distraught about the possibility of losing me for two weeks that you are having dark and dangerous thoughts, there are things you can do to mitigate the pain some.

Here’s a list I made just for you:

Read every book I ever published. Need help picking? If you enjoy YA, paranormal, romance, super hero stuff, or thrillers, start with Forbidden Mind and move onto Forbidden Fire . If you love children’s fantasy with amazing full color illustrations, go straight for Lexie World and Bella World and check out the Three Lost Kids website! If you love poetry and poignant essays with some short stories, try my very first book, Bits of You & Pieces of Me .
Sign up for my newsletter to the right and wait for exciting announcements. I adore people who sign up for my newsletter.
Leave a review on Amazon and Goodreads of any books of mine you’ve already read.
Add Forbidden Life to your Goodreads To-Read list and tell all of your friends, family and intelligent pets to read the first two books in preparation for the series launch!
Pray for me. I’ll need it! lol

I am going to be on a radio show tomorrow night, which was scheduled before I realized I’d need to take two weeks to focus. As you can tell, I tend to over-commit just a wee bit! So you will likely see me online briefly to announce that, once I have more details. If you really, really miss me, you can listen to me talk over and over until I come back!

I hope this helps with the withdrawals. You all are the best! Please be patient with me as I try to give you more exciting books to read! xo

My Unbreakable Heart: Part 6: Eyes of God

[image error]I became a mother on Halloween.  I had been in labor for three days.

Three would become a significant number for me in the years to come.

It was an awkward dance that night as I struggled with contractions while my husband’s family watched television in my hospital room, totally oblivious to the fact that I was laying there half naked, in labor, trying to sleep.

When I finally gave birth to the first of my three daughters, it wasn’t in the way I had imagined.

I wanted a natural birth full of magic and love and peace.

I got an emergency C-Section that left me confused and disoriented.

I was lying there, trying to get comfortable, #yeahright, when a team of nurses rushed into the room. Machines beeped and I panicked. What was happening? Was something wrong with my baby?

“Her heart rate has dropped. We have to get her out now!” the head nurse said to me as they began pulling open my thin hospital gown and probing my body.

I was wheeled to a surgical room and given medication to numb half my body without knocking me out. All the focus was on my waist down. No one realized that I was nauseous from the epidural. I was going to vomit and I was lying on my back with no way to move.

No one except my husband. He was a medic. And he was paying attention. When I could no longer hold in the contents of my stomach, he stepped in, demanded they give him something with which to suction my mouth, and held my head so I didn’t choke.

All the chaos disappeared the moment I looked in her eyes. Just like my dream. Big brown eyes that were wide awake and full of wisdom. The eyes of God.

Before I was ready, they whisked her away. My heart, independent of my body now, marched down the hospital corridor wrapped in a warm pink blanket.

I thought I knew love–had felt the full breath of it on my skin.

I was wrong.

What I knew was only a mimicry of love. Only the illusion trying to pass as the real thing.

When I looked in my daughter’s eyes, I saw love, felt it moving through me and reshaping my capacity to experience reality.

Her small elfin face spoke to me of times and places long forgotten. She has just come from that realm of magic and had much to teach me.

She is 9 now. I have learned so much from her and her two younger sisters. The love I feel for my girls is so encompassing and unconditional that I can’t imagine a world without them. I can’t even imagine my world before they existed.

I know I had a prior life. I have memories of doing things and know they had not yet entered into my reality. But it’s like a dream or fading memory of a movie. Not real. Not real like their little hands covered in peanut butter. Not real like their pleas for water 30 minutes after bedtime. Not real like their butterfly kisses and nightly snuggles.

No, no reality is complete without them.

So you can imagine my total, unrelenting, hysterical fear when my abusive alcoholic husband kidnapped my 6-month-old baby and didn’t come home.

Or maybe you can’t. Unless you’ve lived it, I don’t think you’ll ever know this fear. It’s a fear that lives in your gut and eats away at your insides, consuming you and destroying you in one hellish night. Slowly, but steadily you lose all ability to remember a life of hope and happiness.

This is pure fear, distilled down to the most basic, primal emotion.

This is what I felt that night.

***

This is the sixth part of a 10-part series on domestic violence and relationships based on my life that I will be posting every Monday. Please come back next Monday for the next post, One Night and An Eternity of Sorrow , or follow my blog or sign up to receive email updates. You can also like my Facebook Page for updates on my blog, my books and more.

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And the W*I*N*N*E*R*S are…

[image error]As some of you may remember, last week I did a big giveaway for my birthday!

Using Rafflecopter, those who shared about the contest, liked my page, followed me on twitter or answered questions got points, and Rafflecopter chose the winners! So, here is the moment you have all been waiting for:

THE WINNERS

Congratulations EMMY BLUE for winning the Grand Prize: Signed copies of Forbidden Mind, Forbidden Fire, Lexie World and Bella World plus bookmarks from each series and a $10 gift certificate to Amazon

Congratulations to the 5 Runner Ups: Ranee Dillon, Georgia Summers, Sharon Stogner, Mindy Janicke and Brittany Carrigan. You each won a bookmark from each series and your choice of Forbidden Mind, Forbidden Fire, Lexie World or Bella World as an ebook.

The winners have been notified via email. Please reply back with the information requested to receive your award. If I don’t hear from you by next Monday I will choose new winners. You can email me directly at kimberly.kinrade at gmail.com if you haven’t received my email.

And thank you to ALL OF YOU for making this such a hugely successful giveaway. I hope you were all able to take advantage of the 99cent sale on my books. I’ll be doing more fun giveaways in the future (I’m kind of addicted to Rafflecopter) so follow my site and keep a look out for more titles to come.

Here are some launch dates to pay attention to:

June 26th 2012: Forbidden Life and Maddie World– This closes out both the Forbidden Trilogy and the special edition Three Lost Kids Trilogy. So exciting! Parents, kids and educators, check out the Three Lost Kids website for more news about this series, free coloring book pages (coming soon), resources and more! Over there we deal with bullying, caring for the planet, forgiveness and anger, and more!

October 2nd, 2012: The Reluctant Familiar and The Three Lost Kids and the Death of the Sugar Fairy– This starts a new ongoing series (where each book is a standalone but there will be more in the series to come) and starts a new Three Lost Kids series that will also be ongoing.

November 26th, 2012: Blood of the Fallen (co-written with Dmytry Karpov) and The Three Lost Kids and the Christmas Curse — This starts a new trilogy based on two characters from my Forbidden Trilogy and co-written with my soon-to-be-husband, Dmytry Karpov. This trilogy is going to ROCK! It also continues my children’s series with a fun Christmas edition!

Ongoing: Keep an eye out each week for a new installment of The Kiss of Life, my YA urban fantasy romance serial novel that will be published once it’s complete. Get it free here first! (And in the raw!) It was going up on Fridays, but I’m changing that to Wednesdays. Also, I give away a free ebook each week to a random commenter, so don’t forget to leave a comment!

My Unbreakable Heart: Part 5: Baby Steps

[image error]I knew I was dreaming. But this wasn’t unusual. I almost always knew when I was dreaming, and I could usually manipulate my dreams. Well, most of them.

Except for the special dreams.

I’d had the special dreams since I was a little girl. Sometimes I’d have the same dream every night for a year, then ‘it’ would happen and the special dream would stop. Usually ‘it’ wasn’t something good. Like my grandmother falling and ending up in a wheel chair, or my grandfather dying.

But on that night, the special dream was full of life. Literally.

I was pregnant. With a daughter. A beautiful little girl who would change my life. I saw into her chocolate brown eyes (none of my girls would get my blue) and then I woke up with my heart pounding.

My husband lay next to me, dead asleep.

I crept into the bathroom and took out five pregnancy tests my friend had left at my house. I was switching to a new form of birth control. (The shot made me CRAZY!) I shouldn’t be pregnant. I hadn’t even missed my cycle yet. But I took the first test.

Positive.

I took four more.

All positive.

I shook the sleeping form in my bed until he grudgingly woke up.

“I need you to come see something,” I said.

He reluctantly followed me through our tiny apartment to the bathroom. I showed him the five sticks neatly lined up on the sink. All showcasing very clear + signs.

His expression never changed.

“I’m pregnant,” I said. Annoyed at having to state the obvious.

“Shit!”

This was his response to the news that he was to be a father.

Then he went back to bed and I stayed up all night contemplating my future.

A baby changes everything. He had always wanted lots of kids. A big house. White picket fence. Spacious backyard with a dog and cats.

We spent 8 years trying to achieve his vision of utopia. I thought that once I gave him this, he would be happy, and the we would finally be happy. #nope

But life lessons are sometimes only learned in baby steps.

The physical abuse stopped during the pregnancy.

We went to counseling. Joined a church.

“The Power of a Praying Wife” became a book more sacred to me than the Bible itself, when I still believed in such things. It promised to be the magic bullet that would save us from his hate and anger. His weeklong binges into the bottom of a beer bottle.

Every time I was able to move forward. Make money. Create stability. Find sanity. He destroyed it.

It was like living with the Demon of Chaos. How do you ever find sure footing in this kind of energetic storm?

I couldn’t.

But our daughter was coming. There was no denying that. And life was changing. I was changing.

From the inside out, as this child grew inside me, who I was began shifting–making room for her.

The day she was born my husband saved my life. In the years to come he would slowly destroy it.

***

This is the fifth part of a 10-part series on domestic violence and relationships based on my life. Please come back next Monday for the next post, Eyes of God , or follow my blog or sign up to receive email updates. You can also like my Facebook Page for updates on my blog, my books and more. To get caught up, start with Part 1: Why We Stay.

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