Isha Agrawal's Blog, page 3

a dream and you

I came out of my room with my belongings clutched tightly in my hands, running away from them with tears streaming down my face. I put my pillow and blanket on the floor and lay down. But then, I got up with a sudden realization. I looked around me, searching for him. 

When I couldn’t see him anywhere, I got on my feet and walked to the other room adjoining the hall. 

In the darkness, I made my way to him. I have been here enough times to know my way even in the darkest darkness. 

And there he was – sitting with a piece of broken glass clutched in his hand. Blood trickled down his palm, onto his trousers. He was hurting himself. My knees gave out at the sight of him. Sad, broken, so lonely and devastated as if he was tired from all that weight he had been carrying around, all alone. 

“I tried… I tried to control it but I couldn’t.” He spoke, his voice hoarse, scratching, like he hadn’t spoken a word in years. 

The darkness engulfed him, the sight before me looking like a scene from a horror movie. Grey, black, spots of white moonlight, and there, on his body, red – dark, dirty, and grim. 

I didn’t utter a word, just helped him get up when I reached his side. 

Quietly in the dark, I guided him toward the bathroom on our left. We walked slowly, his invisible weight pulling me down with him as well. 

I opened the door, helped him get inside, and then closed the door behind me as he stood there cluelessly, the broken glass still in his palm. 

I helped him stand just below the shower and turned it on, moving aside. The lukewarm water washed away his sweat and blood but he still didn’t move or notice anything, half in his trance and half alive in this world.

I entered the shower, the water almost cold now hitting me sharply as I removed the shard of the glass from his hand. It was cold, so cold, the air, the water hitting me, his hands, the glass; everything was cold yet hauntingly beautiful. 

He let it go without looking up at me. He let it go without a word of protest. And I knew what it meant – he had reached his end, the lowest point, he was done. 

I moved to set it on the wash basin counter behind him when he spoke in the thick silence. 

“I didn’t want to do it. I swear I wasn’t gonna fight.”

“If you’re going to lie, then you might as well just shut up. ” I whispered sadly, feeling older than my age all of a sudden. 

I wasn’t mad at him. I knew how those people were. I was disappointed that we both couldn’t control and got embroiled in a stupid fight with them. 

“Do you think I wanted to do it? Do you think they didn’t deserve it? Look at you, still helping me when I punched your dad. I don’t want your help.” He seethed, looking at his hands. 

I walked back toward him and said, “You’re hurting me, you get that? These jabs at me? They hurt me. But I’ve loved you since I didn’t even know what the word meant and I’d be damned if I left you now to your monsters. You are hurting me but that won’t make me leave.”

“Why won’t you go? Don’t you see that I don’t deserve you? I’m a mess and this won’t work.” He cried, his voice a whimper unlike I’ve ever heard.

“They hurt me and maybe they deserved it but I don’t want you to get involved.” I break down, tears streaming down my face. “We will work. This… Us… We will be together. Always. Why can’t you trust me?” 

I felt like a weight was pressing down on my chest and nobody could see it. I couldn’t breathe, I was gasping for air, but there wasn’t enough oxygen for me. I couldn’t stand on my own so I leaned into him for support. I have nobody on my side and this, him, I couldn’t let them get him too. He was mine, all mine, and I would protect him with all my life. 

Our foreheads touched. 

Slowly, he wrapped his strong arms around me, both of us and our clothes getting cold from the shower water. We were both crying now. The water and salty tears mixed, washing our pain away. It was disgusting yet comfortable at the same time – being together in this pain. 

Was I wrong for dragging him down in my misery? 

Was I wrong for liking that I, for once, wasn’t alone in this dark hole of my misery? 

I don’t know but I’m just glad that I am not alone, that I don’t have to put my feelings into words for him so he could see that I was bleeding. Because he was bleeding just the same as me. He knew where it hurt. He was feeling it. 

And that didn’t feel bad. 

Was I a monster for feeling this way? 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He kept repeating between his broken sobs while I kept saying, “Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go.” 

A Dream And You

I came out of my room with my belongings clutched tightly in my hands, running away from them with tears streaming down my face. I put my pillow and blanket on the floor and lay down. But then, I got up with a sudden realization. I looked around me, searching for him. 

When I couldn’t see him anywhere, I got on my feet and walked to the other room adjoining the hall. 

In the darkness, I made my way to him. I have been here enough times to know my way even in the darkest darkness. 

And there he was – sitting with a piece of broken glass clutched in his hand. Blood trickled down his palm, onto his trousers. He was hurting himself. My knees gave out at the sight of him. Sad, broken, so lonely and devastated as if he was tired from all that weight he had been carrying around, all alone. 

“I tried… I tried to control it but I couldn’t.” He spoke, his voice hoarse, scratching, like he hadn’t spoken a word in years. 

The darkness engulfed him, the sight before me looking like a scene from a horror movie. Grey, black, spots of white moonlight, and there, on his body, red – dark, dirty, and grim. 

I didn’t utter a word, just helped him get up when I reached his side. 

Quietly in the dark, I guided him toward the bathroom on our left. We walked slowly, his invisible weight pulling me down with him as well. 

I opened the door, helped him get inside, and then closed the door behind me as he stood there cluelessly, the broken glass still in his palm. 

I helped him stand just below the shower and turned it on, moving aside. The lukewarm water washed away his sweat and blood but he still didn’t move or notice anything, half in his trance and half alive in this world.

I entered the shower, the water almost cold now hitting me sharply as I removed the shard of the glass from his hand. It was cold, so cold, the air, the water hitting me, his hands, the glass; everything was cold yet hauntingly beautiful. 

He let it go without looking up at me. He let it go without a word of protest. And I knew what it meant – he had reached his end, the lowest point, he was done. 

I moved to set it on the wash basin counter behind him when he spoke in the thick silence. 

“I didn’t want to do it. I swear I wasn’t gonna fight.”

“If you’re going to lie, then you might as well just shut up. ” I whispered sadly, feeling older than my age all of a sudden. 

I wasn’t mad at him. I knew how those people were. I was disappointed that we both couldn’t control and got embroiled in a stupid fight with them. 

“Do you think I wanted to do it? Do you think they didn’t deserve it? Look at you, still helping me when I punched your dad. I don’t want your help.” He seethed, looking at his hands. 

I walked back toward him and said, “You’re hurting me, you get that? These jabs at me? They hurt me. But I’ve loved you since I didn’t even know what the word meant and I’d be damned if I left you now to your monsters. You are hurting me but that won’t make me leave.”

“Why won’t you go? Don’t you see that I don’t deserve you? I’m a mess and this won’t work.” He cried, his voice a whimper unlike I’ve ever heard.

“They hurt me and maybe they deserved it but I don’t want you to get involved.” I break down, tears streaming down my face. “We will work. This… Us… We will be together. Always. Why can’t you trust me?” 

I felt like a weight was pressing down on my chest and nobody could see it. I couldn’t breathe, I was gasping for air, but there wasn’t enough oxygen for me. I couldn’t stand on my own so I leaned into him for support. I have nobody on my side and this, him, I couldn’t let them get him too. He was mine, all mine, and I would protect him with all my life. 

Our foreheads touched. 

Slowly, he wrapped his strong arms around me, both of us and our clothes getting cold from the shower water. We were both crying now. The water and salty tears mixed, washing our pain away. It was disgusting yet comfortable at the same time – being together in this pain. 

Was I wrong for dragging him down in my misery? 

Was I wrong for liking that I, for once, wasn’t alone in this dark hole of my misery? 

I don’t know but I’m just glad that I am not alone, that I don’t have to put my feelings into words for him so he could see that I was bleeding. Because he was bleeding just the same as me. He knew where it hurt. He was feeling it. 

And that didn’t feel bad. 

Was I a monster for feeling this way? 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He kept repeating between his broken sobs while I kept saying, “Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go.” 

a new beginning

Hello my cutus,

It’s my first post in my author page so I’m gonna keep this one short.

Today is 31st October ’23, a normal regular day for every one but for me, it’s the beginning of a new chapter.

As you know my debut novel My Dream Wedding is all set to release on 14th November 2023, Tuesday. I uploaded my final manuscript yesterday and I have received reviews from both of my beta readers. It feels final…the book, publishing, being an author.

I don’t know where this journey will take me but I’m so glad to be here.

Thank you for choosing to be with me… It means the world to me.

My Dream Wedding (Isha Agrawal)

I’m gonna go now but if you want, you can add my book on Goodreads. It’s also available for pre-order on Amazon, if you’re interested.

Have a great day<3

Drink water and don’t forget to smile because the world is beautiful when you smile!

A New Beginning

Hello my cutus,

It’s my first post in my author page so I’m gonna keep this one short.

Today is 31st October ’23, a normal regular day for every one but for me, it’s the beginning of a new chapter.

As you know my debut novel My Dream Wedding is all set to release on 14th November 2023, Tuesday. I uploaded my final manuscript yesterday and I have received reviews from both of my beta readers. It feels final…the book, publishing, being an author.

I don’t know where this journey will take me but I’m so glad to be here.

Thank you for choosing to be with me… It means the world to me.

My Dream Wedding (Isha Agrawal)

I’m gonna go now but if you want, you can add my book on Goodreads. It’s also available for pre-order on Amazon, if you’re interested.

Have a great day<3

Drink water and don’t forget to smile because the world is beautiful when you smile!