David W. Robinson's Blog: Always Writing, page 31

2013 In Retrospect

It’s time for my review of the year, and what a year it’s been.

Looking back on my post for New Year’s Eve last year, I promised I would pack in smoking and lose weight. I did lose a little weight, but it was only a few pounds and it doesn’t count. And I didn’t pack in smoking… but I’m on both cases right now and hopefully, by this time next year, I’ll have something different to report.

On a personal front, there were a few ups and downs, as should be expected, but the highlights of the year were my daughter getting her degree, and her daughter, my granddaughter, Victoria Brown, making her way to Cambridge University, where she is already establishing a track record. Long may it continue and I look forward to attending her graduation ceremony in a few years.

The big story of the year for me is the success of the STAC Mysteries. There are now ten of them, and they have performed way beyond my wildest dreams. Take a look at them: 30,000 readers can’t all be wrong. And although I have plans for other series in 2014, Joe and Co will still be making their presence felt.

And as part and parcel of that, I achieved my very first #1 hit with the latest STAC Mystery, Christmas Crackers. All right, so it was only #1 in the Amazon UK Cosy Crime chart, but what the hell, doesn’t the music industry make much of their genre charts?

There were other minor triumphs, too, most notably Flatcap. His LOL diatribes on UK holidays and particularly on the subject of sex, have performed well, and time permitting, we’ll hear more from him in the coming year.

As usual, I’ve made new friends in the last year, and re-affirmed old friendships, and it only remains for me to wish you all, whoever you are, wherever you are, the very best for the coming twelve months.

May all your problems be little ones, may all your dreams be huge and fulfilled.

The Day After

Well that’s the Christmas side of things all but done with. True, there are a few more parties to go, but I don’t have to be nice to people as I’m handing over gifts. Instead I can contemplate how I’m gonna pay the credit card bill off come the New Year.

Yesterday went with the usual organisation which is the hallmark of Christmas parties at my sister-in-law’s place. I don’t know how they do it. If I was that well organised, I’d probably rule the world… well, all right, I’d probably have a tidier workstation.

I managed to get through the day without getting drunk or insulting anyone. A double first! But it’s more than can be said for Her Indoors, who was pissed out of her brains by half past three. I knew it from the way she kept on rabbiting at the dinner table. Normally, she doesn’t say two words to me from one week to another. Yesterday she sounded as if she’d been vaccinated with a gramophone needle. And she capped that off by throwing up all over the floor and sleeping it off in one of the bedrooms for an hour. If I did that, I wouldn’t hear the end of it until Easter, but because it’s she who must be obeyed, it’s already confined to the annals of unfortunate history, and shrouded in a degree of secrecy that would make James Bond look like a talk show host.

Apologies to Hazel, thanks to Eileen for helping clean up the mess.

Today it’s the traditional Boxing Day hangover. The house looks like a tornado has passed through it, which is surprising considering we didn’t have party here, Her Indoors is still in bed and my head is pounding. It’s what I get for mixing Martini Asti with Worthington Bitter. And the dog is not talking to either of us because we left him on his own for so long yesterday. Moody little sod.

Still, it’s not all bad news. I woke up this morning to learn that ALL TEN of my STAC Mysteries figure in the Amazon UK Cosy Crime chart, with the latest release, Christmas Crackers at number 9. My thanks and best wishes to all STAC readers for this extra Christmas pressie.

And in general, my good wishes to all of you, whoever you are, wherever you are. Have a great Christmas and get ready for 2014.

Flatcap Doesn’t Do Christmas Anymore

It ain’t what it used to be, this Christmas malarkey. I’ve just come from a social site, which shall remain nameless – let’s call it Basefook – and every other status is “Merry Christmas.” MERRY CHRISTMAS? When I was a mere stripling, Christmas Morning was anything but Merry.

I meanersay, how many times have I woken on December 25th, taken one look at the gargoyle in bed with me and promised myself I would never, NEVER again drink Tetley bitter and Polish vodka shandies.

Not that I was an Adonis, mind. I remember one girl who woke up, took one look at me and fainted. I offered to make her a cuppa, and while I was in the kitchen, she made a dash for freedom. The last I saw of her she was legging it down the street, still trying zip up her skirt.

Merry bloody Christmas, my arse. I still recall the days when I would wake up with the mother of all hangovers, unable to remember what I’d been drinking the night before and wondering whether it would run the car.

Many is the Christmas Day when I was awakened with a mouth like a gorilla’s armpit, head pounding, and one of my brats hammering away on a tin drum. The only way to silence said offspring was a lurid description of where I would shove the drumstick if he didn’t pack it in.

And when you trawl through Basefook, you find people posting pictures of their living rooms, replete with decorations and large glittering Christmas tree, its lights gleaming in the highly polished surface of a mahogany dining table. ON CHRISTMAS DAY?

With a house full of kids, our living room never looked like that on December 25th. A bombsite, yes, but that would mean reclassifying your average demolition site as a nuclear wasteland.

As an example, take this picture of my workstation.

Now multiply that mess to fill the whole room and you’ll understand why Darth Vader has his lightsabre at the ready. He needs it to fight his way out from under all the crap.

I recall Her Indoors V1.0 saying it looked like a pig sty. “You’d be hard pressed to find pigs willing to live in this shithole,” I replied as I waded through heaps of torn and discarded wrapping paper and gaily coloured, now-empty cardboard cartons. If the Fire brigade had popped in for a cuppa, they would have evacuated us and declared the place a no-go area.

That picture, by the way, was taken with my brand new Nikon camera, which Santa brought me. Yes, and the fat bastard added the bill to my credit card, didn’t he? Just like he did the expensive perfume and cardigan he left for Her Indoors.

And talking of the woman, she criticised me for buying cheap plonk for the party later today.  “There’s no point buying expensive stuff,” I told her. “By the time they get round to drinking it, everyone will be so pissed they won’t be able to tell the difference between Cabernet Sauvignon and Sarson’s vinegar… so just watch what they’re putting the chips.”

Merry Christmas? Since when?

Merry Christmas

I don’t care for Christmas, with good reason.

Had she lived, my mother would have been 87 years old yesterday (December 23rd). She was the single, strongest influence in my life. Tough, resolute, yet tolerant.

And it’s not only my mother whose passing I mourn at this time of year. My wife’s mother, a grand lady from that tough generation before mine, would have been 93 years old. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in January 1997, about three weeks after Christmas.

My wife’s father, decorated for his part in HMS Amethyst’s dash down the Yangtze in 1949, died the week before Christmas in 1987. My brother died too early at the age of 54, and it was Christmas when he and I used to rap over the phone. I had a crap relationship with my father, but I called to see him every Christmas. To cap it all, there are too tiny girls, in a cemetery in East Leeds, neither of whom had the chance of life. Both were stillborn to my daughter, and I know she still feels that loss.

So it’s not a time of particular celebration for me.

On the other hand, I’ve never been one to wallow in self-pity, so like everyone else I’ll be ready for a bit of partying tomorrow afternoon when we visit my wife’s sister where the whole family get together. And there are hundreds of them. Far too many to count.

So let me end this brief post by wishing you all, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your beliefs or lack of the same, the very best for the forthcoming festivities.

Merry Christmas

Flatcap Goes Christmas shopping

I hate Christmas at the best of times. I see no good reason why I should feel cheerful in temperatures of -5 while walking streets covered in snow, ice and a dirty slush that reminds me of the gravy they served in the Gas Board canteen 40 years ago. I suppose it could be worse. It’s not too far removed from the custard they served in the Gas Board canteen 40 years ago.

I also fail to see why I should feel any goodwill to my fellow shoppers. Most of them barge past me like I don’t exist. One young woman snapped, “Get out of the way you old fart.”

Never one to be backward in coming forward, I grumbled, “If I were thirty years younger, I’d put you over my knee and tan your arse.”

She replied, “If you were thirty years younger, I might let you.”

It’s the age we live in.

I got to Savepennies supermarket and it was heaving. One look at the decorations, one whisper of the brass band playing Christmas carols and I was nearly heaving, too.

First port of call was the cafeteria, where they were plugging the “Merry Festive Full English Breakfast, only £4.99.”

The only Christmassy thing about it was a sprig of holly in one corner of the banner, so I asked the lad. “What’s the difference between the Merry Festive Full English and the one you serve all year round?

“About £1.30,” he replied. “Assuming you’ll want two sausages.” He cocked an ear at the sound of O Come All Ye Faithful from the brass band. “Plus you get the atmos.”

“I’ll just have two rounds of merry festive toast and a merry festive pot of tea.” I, too, nodded towards the brass band. “And there’s a tip in it for you if you can shut that merry festive racket up.”

He legged it downstairs and the last I saw of him he was negotiating with the band’s conductor to get them shifted to Pennysave across the road.

I wandered round the store, ignoring the merry festive toothpaste and merry festive washing-up liquid, and at the fruit stall, I noticed “merry festive strawberries (best before December 24th) £2.50/punnet” and “merry festive potatoes (ideal for chips) 1.80/kg,” but what really caught my eye was the warning on a bag of merry festive table salt. Caution: this product may contain salt. Well slap my arse with a merry festive pepperpot and charge me fifty quid.

I finally limped through the checkout to a merry festive bill of £87.53.

“I only gave £65 for my first car,” I moaned at the girl.

“Well,” she said with a merry festive smile, “it is Christmas.”

“I’d never have noticed.”

***

Flatcap doesn’t just confine his grumbling to Christmas, you know. For a merry festive 77p, you can find him complaining about holidays in Flatcap’s Guide to UK Holidays and if you really want the lowest of low downs, check out the hilarious Flatcap’s Guide to Sex

STAC Mysteries: Great Gifts for Christmas

For those who enjoy cosy crime there are ten STAC Mystery to choose from and they make great Christmas gifts to go with that new e-reader.

The Filey Connection: where it all began, a hot weekend on the Yorkshire coast with the puzzle of two sudden deaths weighing on Joe. Accident and suicide, or were they murdered? Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

The I-Spy Murders: Brenda on reality TV in a house where every room bar one is covered by multiple TV cameras, and in that one room, an impossible murder. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

A Halloween Homicide: an MP and hotel staff all with attitude problems, and a haunted inn provide the backdrop for an impossible theft and two murders. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

A Murder for Christmas: the festive season in Leeds and the murder of an academic, mean Joe must work his socks off to prove one of his members innocent. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

Murder at the Murder Mystery Weekend: in the shadow of Lincoln Minster, brutal killings which mirror the script of a Murder Mystery Weekend provide a daunting New Year puzzle for Joe, Sheila and Brenda. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

My Deadly Valentine: when Joe’s Valentine date is found strangled, he doesn’t have far to look for the prime suspect: it’s him and he must work quickly to prove his innocence. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

The Chocolate Egg Murders: Easter in Weston-super-Mare, and strange deaths surround local charity events. Joe is sure he knows whodunit, but can he prove it? Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

The Summer Wedding Murder: a hot summer weekend in the Lake District, but when a photographer is found murdered, it’s up to Joe to find the killer. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

Costa del Murder: Joe and his two best friends on holiday in Torremolinos and an elderly ex-pat Brit dies in suspicious circumstances, putting Joe on the trail of a killer once again. Kindle, Kobo, Nook, PDF

Christmas Crackers: a writer researching her next book demands tales from Joe, Sheila and Brenda, but as they tell of their exploits solving murders, another one occurs. Kindle, Nook, PDF

All titles are also available in other formats and in paperback from most online stores

Crooked Cat Christmas Sale

Thinking of a new Kindle for Christmas? Why not pre-load it with your favourite reading, and if you move in the next seven days, you can grab all your Crooked Cat titles at just 77p.

If you wanted the whole STAC Mystery series, that’s ten books, you can get them all for less than the price of a decent bottle of scotch, but they’ll last longer and as a means of taking you out of yourself, they’re probably better for you than the scotch. At least you won’t have a hangover when you come back to reality.

For the next seven days, the entire range of Crooked Cat books (which is too many for me to count) is on sale at rock bottom prices.

Crime, thrillers, romance, humour, fantasy, YA, melodrama; Crooked Cat have it all and it don’t come any cheaper.

So get yourself over to Amazon and start downloading now. You know it makes sense.

Cyber Monday (Part Two)

It’s Cyber Monday and what am I doing? Spending Easter weekend in Blackpool.

Does that make sense? Course it doesn’t. Easter is almost five months away, so how can I be spending it in Blackpool right now?

Well, as readers of the STAC Mysteries, it’s all your fault. You’ve taken Christmas Crackers to #1 in the Amazon UK cosy crime top 100, and for that I’m truly grateful. But it’s never enough. People are already asking, “When is the next one due out?” and the nearest answer I can give is: “sometime in the spring”.

I can tell you that it starts with a road traffic accident on the motorway outside Blackpool where the STAC mob are heading for the Easter weekend. What do you do with seventy bus passengers when their vehicle has been involved in a fender bender with a lorry? What do you do with a large mail order company which considers itself above the law?

You sick Joe Murray, Sheila Riley and Brenda Jump onto them. That’s what you do. Especially when there are couple of murders in the mix.

It’s working title is Death in Distribution, and it should have been released about now, but I ran into some problems with it, so it’s been held over. By redrafting the outline, altering the setting and Joe’s entry into the scheme of things, I overcame the problems, and now it has the green light. The only drawback is that it still has to be written.

And that’s why, while you’re all clicking away on your mice/mouses/meeces, ordering your Christmas goodies at knockdown prices, I’m spending Easter weekend in Blackpool.

There are pluses. Easter, as I’m writing it, is a glorious, sunny April weekend, so I’ll be a lot warmer than you. And, of course, my credit card is snuggled in my wallet where it’s safe from cyberspending.

Have a good Cyber Monday, and look forward to Easter.

Cyber Monday

Today is Cyber Monday, the web equivalent of Black Friday, where you should be able to pick up a few bargains on the web.

So, are you thinking of a new Kindle for Christmas? Buying it for a loved one, buying it for yourself? Why not pre-load it with a few titles, and if you’re into mysteries, might I suggest the STAC variety.

With the release of Christmas Crackers last week, there are now ten to choose from, and this latest one is still at #1 in the Amazon UK mystery/Cozy (their spelling) Crime top 100.

Each one is a stand-alone story, and notwithstanding the number of murder, they’re quite light-hearted. And you can read them in any order, but if you prefer to take them as they came, they are:

The Filey Connection

The I-Spy Murders

A Halloween Homicide

A Murder for Christmas

Murder at the Murder Mystery Weekend

My Deadly Valentine

The Chocolate Egg Murders

The Summer Wedding Murder

Costa del Murder

Christmas Crackers

If you prefer something with a harder edge, you could try the two dark and disturbing Felix Croft/Millie Matthews tales, but these are not for the faint-hearted:

The Handshaker

The Deep Secret

And neither is the psycho/sci-fi thriller

Voices

Finally, if you need something to lighten the burden, and you need a few serious belly laughs and you don’t mind politically incorrect, grumpy old men, why not try:

 

Flatcap’s Guide to UK Holidays

Flatcap’s Guide to Sex

 

 

That’s well over half a million words available from 77p upwards, and whatever your choice of reading, there’s plenty for you to go at, so have a great Cyber Monday.

New Release and a Long Conversation

Today is known as Black Friday in the USA. The day after Thanksgiving, it is the day when our American friends traditionally begin their Christmas shopping. I hope you all enjoyed your holiday yesterday and you’re ready for the retail fray today.

Here in Europe, retailers are gearing up for the Feast of Stephen, and Crooked Cat are no exception. Their release schedule is jam-packed with six new titles due out in December.

My final release of the year, STAC’s Christmas Crackers happened earlier this week, and the book sits nicely at #1 in the Amazon UK cosy crime chart.

Today, however, it’s the turn of good friend Nik Morton, author of over 20 published books, releasing his second Crooked Cat title, Spanish Eye, and to celebrate there’s the usual Crooked Cat event on Facebook. If you want to know more about the book, or just fancy a giggle, cut along there. I’m sure Nik and friends will make you welcome.

There are peripheral bits and pieces going on, and in preparation for the double launch this week, Nik and I took part in an extended conversation. Part one was posted in time for the release of Christmas Crackers, and Part Two is now live on my other blog.

We talked a lot about the writing process and other areas of concern to the modern author, so if you fancy knowing what makes us tick, or what’s involved in turning out whodunits, check it out.

You can find Part One here

And Part Two is here.

And beyond all that, have a great Friday.