Jennifer Freitag's Blog, page 6

You Never Ever Know What is Coming Next [ & Other Horror Stories]

I usually keep my personal-update posts to a minimum, or condense them into the fewest words possible in other posts, so as to a) not bore you, + b) get to the real writing meat of the post - assuming there is any real writing meat to get to.  But then I says to myself, I says, "What if people really would like an update on what's going on with you...??"  At the very least, it may make you feel better about yourself!

(this post does not actually contain horror stories. on rare occasions i have been known to exaggerate just a little bit for the sake of drama.)
NESTING + MINIMALISM  ||  Everyone watches my stringent purging/minimalist endeavours & says, "That's Jenny - she's nesting."  This is...true-ish.  My actual "nesting" urge did not kick in until about a week ago, when I looked at Wolfgang's room (filled, at the moment, with furniture we mean to dispose of), and felt that i MUST GET IT READY RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.  It needs to be completely perfect + set up YESTERDAY.  BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE THREENHALF MONTHS OF PREGNANCY LEFT.*

The rest of "everything that I am doing" is partly my frantic need to channel my creative energy SOMEwhere (since "Ethandune" was heretofore being so crotchety), but mostly I'm just really in love with clean, white spaces, minimal belongings, + a much simpler way of living with possessions.  It makes me happy + I am pursuing that happiness with more energy than I actually have. 

* this may seem excessive; it may seem like i have time.  don't be fooled.  those months go by like wildfire.  ain't nobody got time.
THE LITTLE MANIFESTO  ||  I meant to jot down a few thoughts on minimalism, but when I was done, I found I had written a full-on manifesto for the thing.  I won't give you the whole thing here, just hit the highlights, because there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding this idea, when the idea itself is really extremely helpful + healthy!

"Our culture is an affluent one; the thought of getting rid of so much material prosperity produces a feeling tantamount to nudity."

"We face the misconception that 'minimalism' is an austere life painted in white with modernist furniture that looks impossible to sit on.  This is a misconception I aim to overthrow.  Minimalism, regardless of any one person's tastes, colour ideals, or mode of living, is simply this: THAT YOU CHOOSE TO POPULATE YOUR LIFE WITH POSSESSIONS THAT YOU ACTUALLY, TRULY NEED +/OR TANGIBLY ENRICH YOUR SOUL."

" 'Minimalism' in its stereotypical sense is not for everyone; but everyone can benefit from a minimalist mindset."

"Once the needless, unused, ugly, unwanted articles among our possessions are rooted out, leaving behind those which service us + speak to our souls, we begin to see what kind of life we really want to have."

"This is the key: to persevere.  At a point in the purge (different for everyone), the work of trimming the 'body fat' off your life reaches muscle, + begins to build.  Once your life is a healthy weight, + you have reduced your possessions to what you really need + love, the energy transfers into a clearer vision of yourself, your tastes, your ideals, + how you want your life + home + work to be."

"THIS IS MINIMALISM IN ITS SIMPLE SENSE: TAKING BACK OUR LIVES FROM A SUFFOCATING CULTURE OF USELESS, INNUMERABLE POSSESSIONS."

(thank you for reading that :3 )
FILIGREE  vs. WOLFGANG  ||  I have had so many obstacles to get over/through/run down by this pregnancy which I did not have while carrying Filigree.  There was absolutely no way I could have seen this coming + no I did not see it coming.  I am in my second trimester, + already experiencing the fatigue, the weight, + twice the pelvic pain I had with Filigree.  At roughly 25 weeks, I'm not quite the size I was full-term with Filigree, but I am registering more weight now with Wolfgang than I did full-term with my daughter.  (My parents say every baby carries differently.  My friend says I probably started with a higher muscle content with Wolfgang than I did with Filigree.  I like that second one better. XD )  REGARDLESS, I am always just a few steps / one wrong twist away from crippling hip pain, if I haven't actually taken those steps / twisted wrong already.  Eh, it's pregnancy!  What can you say?  It's never EASY.  Yoikes.

(EPIDURAL FOR THE WIN  ||  I read a quite charming bitter article entitled something like "25 Things They Don't Tell You About Labor / Post-Partum."  Okay.  No.  Except for the fact that you get a snuggly wuggly your-own-darling baby at the end of the labour process, there isn't anything fun about the process - although, I had a very good, smooth time + my staff were the bomb.com - and the recovery process is even more painful.  I mean, what did you expect, considering what you just did?  But lET ME JUST SAY, if you have the freedom to choose an epidural + decide VOLUNTARILY to have a natural birth, YOU DON'T GET TO BE BITTER, LADY.  No one made you pick the consciously-painful method when you could have been relatively discomfort-free for the delivery, + you get to take narcotics afterward to help dull the pain/shock of what your body is trying to recover from.  Yay!  This modern age we live in!  I don't wanna hear the griping.  Take the epidural/narcotics + shut up, or be a boss-lady + muscle through without them.  No bitching allowed.)

PET PEEVES INCLUDE  ||  Elephants.  I don't get elephants.  Everywhere I look there are elephants on infant clothing + it fills me with an irrational loathing.  Why elephants?  What do elephants have to do with babies?  It does not make any sense.  I hate them.  I have to hate something so it might as well be elephants. 

Also, the notion that my ideals are going to give way because I'm going to have a boy.  They tried that on me with Filigree, + I made adjustments, but no basically I'm just as rigid + perfectionist-driven as before, if not more so (see "minimalism").  People underestimate my ironclad quixotic personality + my overriding decisions guiding my children.  I don't settle for mediocrity: I aim for perfection.  Wheesht + let me do my thing.

Also, people who pick boring names.  Names that are not "Filigree" or "Wolfgang."  It makes me sad.

JENNY + JANE AUSTEN  ||  I started reading "Sense & Sensibility."  No promises.  "Pride & Prejudice" is the only novel of Austen's that I've read multiple times; I've read "Emma" once + didn't make it through "Persuasion."  No promises.  But there it is.

I STILL LOVE WRAPPING PRESENTS BUT I AM DEAD  ||  At a meagre five + 1/2 months, the simple act of wrapping a few gifts leaves me in staggering pain (* not an exaggeration), so I'm thinking I'll have to politely not offer my services this Christmas season.  It's a sad truth.  Carry on without me.  It's been grand.

( + completely monochrome because i threw out all my garish coloured paper)
I'M GOING TO STOP THERE before I really do bore you to tears / the grave.  There are probably other random aspects of my life to share, but since I can't recall them right now, they can't be that important.  Thank you for sticking with me + caring to know what is happening to that Penslayer girl (because I would like to know too...??)

until next time,xoxo!

Ethandune Rewrite Update || More Positive News!

GUESS WHO HAS SNIPPETS TO SHARE ||  Yes, I have very slowly made headway on "Ethandune," enough to toy with the notion that I may know what I am doing, and enough to have snippets to share with you all.

GENERAL UPDATE  ||  I feel like death.  The end.  My anxiety is largely manageable, my insomnia is almost tolerable, my energy levels are non-existent, there have been stretches of days that I have felt completely hopeless of surviving, I spend most of my time resting or writing letters, + I'm now seriously starting to get the "nesting" fever regarding Wolfgang's room.

MY MUSIC RARELY COINCIDES WITH MY WRITING  ||  Along with THREE letters all at once, my friend sent me a copy of Audrey Assad's album "Inheritance."  It's beautiful + I'm loving it.

jesus, the very thought of youit fills my heart with lovejesus, you burn like wildfireand i am overcome
snippets of ethandune
We began to move forward with her, Dammerung at her side and myself a few paces behind, and we were seamlessly swept into her constellations of people and hydrangeas and shining furniture. For the most part, I saw, the people were women, fantastically clad, tall and slender and cream-coloured as new spear-shafts; one turned an eye to me as I passed, and the dart of her glance was like a weapon-head, a flicker of steel: I dampened my lips and expected to taste a prick of blood.
I saw the red-lit face, worn with stubble, look up and crease with a smile, half-covering a shiver that rankled along Goddgofang’s form. “Sometimes, sir, even I am afraid of you.”Dammerung put out a hand with a snap and a spark at his fingertips, and the light of the brazier leapt up doublefold, strong, driving back the sleepy darkness. “Good!” he growled. “All my sons should have a healthy fear of me."
Dammerung went out, his black figure like a shadow slipping from the shell-bubble of white in which I was caught as something in a spider’s web. As though feeling a tug on the invisible lines, lines like the ones between the stars of the Baron’s shield, I turned my head without knowing why and saw the chatelaine of the House of Antemeridian seated in the embrasure where she had been with Dammerung, the parcel on her knee, and a sealskin busy in her hands being wrapped round the box. At that moment she raised her eyes to the girl’s who stood waiting for her to finish. There was something in that look—A hand touched my shoulder and I leapt an inch off the floor as I spun round, dead-white with surprise. Dammerung was beside me with his small smile as usual on his lips…but behind his eyes there was something, something looking down at me which I could not understand and which made my blood crawl cold back to my heart.
“Is it very bad, my lord?”Dammerung raised an arm and began to unbutton and roll back a sleeve. “Let us say you are a man to fight against the odds,” he replied, “and leave it at that.”Coeur de Leon nodded, turning his head on the pillow so that the coins of his mask slid, tinkling together, catching the light as a myriad of eyes blinking angry surprise.
“A curious mixture of rigidity and indulgence, that man.” Jennalaide turned the subject from her gown. “A great one for wanting things just so! and yet not at all mean in his abundance.” Her own brows flickered upon a thought. “I had not expected that of him. I had not expected that of any of you. You have always been painted in my mind as monsters and devils and things not quite real.”“If you cut me,” Goddgofang said softly, “I will bleed.”“And isn’t that the oddest thing?” she exclaimed, looking him suddenly in the face. “So concerned with this world and all its little people, petty and great and rich and poor and mean and taught and everything! yet somehow, upon the same coin,” her voice mellowed, “most detached from it. Most solid and real, upon meeting; and yet, when one goes to reach for you, one discovers you have in relation to this world all the halo and transience of a saint.”“Hmm!” Goddgofang chuffed gently. “If distrust can make a monster of you, we are of all men most monstrous..."
images via pinterest

August Recap // A Future to Look Forward To

i have been avoiding my blog like the plague

ETHANDUNE.  ||  I'm in an enormous rut with this book right now.  The past month - two months - have seen almost NO progress on this because I've been in a kind of emotional tailspin trying to sort myself out, + poor "Ethandune" has received very little mental attention - and what attention I've given has proved nearly fruitless.  Sorry that this is bad news!  The bad news bears are in town.

MONOCHROME + MINIMALISM.  ||  Pretty much all of my energy (+ there's not much of it) has gone into my house.  I've been culling, cleaning, overhauling, + planning so I can get my house to the monochrome minimalism that I want it to be.  Basically ALL of my mental energy has gone here - and not to "Ethandune."  Bad news bears. 

i realize this may seem bizarre to most people.  i'm SUPER strict about my monochrome + minimalism, + everyone else gives off a vibe of confusion + bemusement when they observe me.  i sorry.  this is me.  with very few possessions + all of them some shade of white or grey or black.  thank you for letting me just be me.

THE BABY + ME.  ||  Those of you who are on Facebook + Instagram know, we're having a baby boy!  Because I was a chucklehead + deleted my ovulation calculator after conception, so I completely forgot the date of my cycle, my due date is still kind of up-in-the-air + a matter of guesswork for the ultrasound technician.  Sometime in early January is our guess (the 10th?? they guess the 10th??).  But you'll know when he arrives, trust me.

i'm five months in + i am already feeling like i'm in third trimester exhaustion.  nooooo.  i have had to increase my anti-depressant due to pregnancy hormones, + that's shot my insomnia up to teeth-gritting levels.  i beat it down as best i can, but there's only so much i can do/take while pregnant.  i sorry.  this is also me.

THE ACTUAL PENSLAYER BLOG.  ||  But I do have GOOD news!  I am currently contracted with Hannah Rose Creative to completely overhaul, rebrand, + redesign my poor little blog.  I tell you what, how awesome is that??  It will be several months before you see the outcome because Hannah is super nice + is taking her time so that we can make bite-sized monthly payments for the package (so grateful!), but I've already got a taste of her work for me + I'm really excited to keep honing the process to a final design.  MAYBE THEN I'LL ONCE AGAIN FEEL LIKE BLOGGING. 

there's good news + bad news.  but hey, at least you know i'm not GONE-gone.  i'm just hiding from you.  XD  here's hoping some time in the future will see better progress on "ethandune" + i can once again pore over my computer like a maniac trying to get the plot down just so.  thanks for sticking with me! <3

images via pinterest

Dammerung Et Al | Ethandune Snippets

I've been largely MIA on most of my social media sites (except instagram + pinterest), not wholly due to ragged health, but mostly because a) I'm horribly stuck on Ethandune, so I'm not usually sitting at my computer nowacurrently with the internet open, + b) I'm caught up reading "The Heir of Redclyffe" and can barely put it down.

But - good news! - I have inched forward in the Ethandune rewrite, enough to give you some bites to chew on.  You all have totally better things to do with your time, but I do not, so here we go.

ethandune snippets
But the truth was that, in that moment, I was terrified of Dammerung. One was always a little terrified of him, but just then all the terror was uppermost and I wanted to back down into a run and hide like an animal from him. His finger began tapping on the arm of his chair, and a cold spell swept over my skin.ethandune
“Well, that’s something,” replied Dammerung cheerfully. He got up, and, looking down at her, added, “We’re not all bad. I won’t say we’re easy, but we’re not all bad.”The flame licked back up in her narrow vixen face, like the side of a spear-head turned into the light. “I won’t say I’m easy either, but neither am I all bad.”“Pax,” he said, and held out his hand.She shivered among the bedclothes until her arm came loose, and she took his hand, like a lady; but I noticed their knuckles turned white in their grip before they let each other go.“Pax.”He turned and went past me, and Aaron too, and as I stepped backward to shut the door I tried to avoid her gaze, but somehow got caught looking back at her across the distance: a small, sunk thing with narrow, brilliant blue eyes odd-glistening and unaccountably angry with me that I was watching her.ethandune
“Plenilune,” said Dammerung quietly—odd, how his voice could carry when he wanted it to, without seeming at all to raise the volume—“is it not mine to do with as I will?”ethandune
I gathered up the shaking, tumbled [goat] from the snarl of briars, lifting it to the mass of furs over my chest, but as I attempted it, the little thing suddenly spooked as though struck by an electric current, squealing in my arms and nearly hurtling back to the ground as I shrieked and struggled to grasp it. “Hold still—hold still!” I cried. “Where have I hurt you?”In the weird moongloom I saw it crane back its head to look at me with one eye—and that eye, rolling, rolling, slowly backward to my face, stark-white and stricken mad.“Sh-h-h-h-h-h…” said a ghost-wind from the wood. “Don’t shout. You’ll scare the poor thing.”My arms slackened and the kid fell in a lifeless pile to my feet. In the great black arch of the wood-mouth, into which the overgrown track ducked and vanished in an instant, there was first a rustle in the air, as of dry leaves shivering in a funeral breeze—a sudden, huge sense of a body there, looming toward me—and then I could see it.Two rows of shining teeth and canines like a tiger’s, coming toward me in the darkness. No head, only the teeth smiling, smiling like they would laugh at any moment. Then a nose materialized, first with black holes for its nostrils and white with bone, flooding over with a dark skin only a shade paler than the night. The eyes jumped out at me in two sudden silver flashes, throwing twin bars of glare across the dark, and then the whole thing had come full from the woodshore before me, horse-big and horse-shaped, without it ears and without any muscle on its frame to hide the gaunt outline of its bones.“Boo, little bunny.” adamantine

My 3 Reasons For Being a Horse Chestnut

I am going to be taking a nominal blogging sabbatical.  I say "nominal" because I'm not even up for telling myself, "You're not blogging for a MONTH."  Basically I'm giving myself the freedom of not blogging, or only loosely blogging, for an unspecified length of time, at least until I figure out if I have legs / how to get them underneath me again.

okay, but why
You know when people say, "I'm taking a break because of STUFF," you're always left wondering what the STUFF is?  Yes, it's totally the blogger's prerogative to maintain privacy, but I know I'm always super curious and peeved when I am not told WHY they are bowing out for a spell.  So here's WHY for me.

1.  Wait, you're WHAT?
I was going to wait + spring this on you in January, but I'm just too tired to keep my own secrets anymore.  7/12/16 will mark the end of my first trimester with Baby #2.  (Cue excited Twilight Sparkle gif.)  This was a planned pregnancy, and I haven't said anything up until now because the first trimester is the most crucial time, and in case anything went wrong I thought I'd better keep things quiet.  There is always room for error, but the probability of danger drops significantly after the first trimester.

2.  Ohhhh, that explains the new pet.
Yes, that horrible black dog.  I experienced crashes of depression every month I turned up NOT pregnant, which was really disheartening, but I thought it would clear up once I finally got that big + on the pee-stick.  NOPE.  What I was not anticipating was that my post-partum depression, heretofore hushed up nicely with my medication, would be horrendously overthrown with my early pregnancy hormones.  The past three months have been a kind of exhausted, black, lost hell.

In light of this, I am so very grateful for the understanding + patience of my friends, who have been with me all through this and have just let me BE, whether that was happy or sad, who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers, and to whom I could always run when the times were really bad.  You're the best.

3.  There is seriously such a thing as pregnancy-brain.
I think I commented on this while carrying Filigree.  Laugh like I did, ignorant + arrogant, but it's real.  It's REAL.  Fortunately, the mental gaps, exhaustion, and brain-fog DO go away eventually, but I'm going to give myself grace and just admit that I don't have the mental fortitude for blogging + writing + reading + eating + sleeping + caring for my family.  At the end of my days, I'd rather be known for my books than my blog, so I'm going to devote what mental energy I can spare to Ethandune for awhile.

in a horse-chestnut shell
That's me.  I'm not nearly as positive + cheerful as I may sound here.  Day to day life is rough.  If you struggle with chronic illness, it's kind of like that, although I won't diminish the struggle of ACTUALLY dealing with chronic illness...  You get to a point where you just pessimistically assume that the day is going to be awful + full of pain, and maybe that's a self-fulfilling prophecy or maybe it's just realism, I don't know.  All I know is that I have a book to write and several actual, real, live people to take care of - including myself.

thank you for being with me all these years. you haven't heard the last of me.(because i'll probably post snippets at some point, let's be honest)


images via pinterest

Penslayer Book Highlight | The Little Book of Skincare

I don't share books on my blog for the simple reason that I'm shy + I don't believe anyone will really care.  But this one book highlights my one not-writing passion, and I've just got a bug to talk about it.  Also, Mirriam said, "Just do what you want on your blog!" so I'm just going to do that + hope for the best! :)

the little book of skincare  |  by charlotte cho
VERY SHORT BACKSTORY.  |  Like Charlotte, I was late getting on to the skincare scene, and when I arrived, I DEFINITELY didn't know what I was doing.  I picked up tips here + there, but nothing truly definitive, up-front, + easy to understand as when my husband got me this little book for Christmas.  BOOM.  I took off.  Maybe this isn't immediately interesting to you, but my theory is, if you are alive + have skin, this book is pertinent to you!

The Famous 10-Step Korean Skincare Routine  |  It's possible you've already heard of this routine.  To westerners, this seems outrageously extravagant + time-consuming.  But BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT.  Every step in this routine is crucial to giving your skin what it needs + helping you get the most out of your skin!  "Ten" steps isn't mandatory: Charlotte is careful to point out that it is "ten" in general, but some products in that routine are used only once or twice a week, or even only once or twice a MONTH, depending on what your skin needs.  But it's in your repertoire, ready to be doled out when your skin is in need.

"my skincare routine isn't crazy, it's just thorough"

1-2.  The Double-Cleanse.
Yes, twice - but not with the same cleanser.  Basic chemistry rules apply: you will use an oil-based cleanser first to break down the oily products on your skin, like makeup and ordinary facial junk that builds up on the surface of your skin.  Once the oil cleanser has worked the oil gunk loose, a water-based cleanser will be used to wash off the oil-base.  (Oil-based cleansers are designed to work with oil AND to be removed by water-based cleansers.  SCIENCE.  IT HAPPENS.)

this is not frivolous! this is basic chemistry being applied to make sure your skin is ACTUALLY clean.  we're not using two different cleansers just to look rich + fab.

3.  Exfoliate!  EXFOLIATE!
I do a head-to-toe exfoliation because skin is my largest organ + I want to take good care of it!  I'll use a rough cloth or an exfoliating mitt on my body, but for my face I will use an exfoliating gel.  Depending on your skin's sensitivity + needs, you can exfoliate only a few times a week, or very gently once a day.  I do it once every morning because my skin is pretty normal + chill, but most of my friends have VERY picky, sensitive skin, and they have to tweak the routine accordingly.

exfoliate? but WHY? because even you would have trouble wading through a barricade of icky, built-up, dead skin cells if YOU were a yummy skincare product. you want to get that dead stuff off to allow your skincare products to sink in.  ALSO it really helps refine the elasticity (youthful appearance) of your skin + promotes blood-flow to the upper levels of your dermis which is GOOD because you blood has yummy nutrients for your skin too.

4.  Toner.
Sigh.  I know.  Most people are going to skip this because it doesn't SEEM like it does any good.  THAT NOTION MAKES ME SAD.  But listen!  Even the cleansers that are just right for your skin will upset the proper pH level of your delicate facial skin.  This can lead to irritation and more problems if left unchecked.  TONER PUTS EVERYTHING BACK TO NORMAL.  In addition, toner preps your skin to absorb the other nutrients you're going to put on your skin in a minute.  Very much a win-win!

avoid alcoholic toners!  trust me, "astringents" are drying + extremely unhelpful to the facial skin.  charlotte is careful to point out that "cetyl alcohol" and "stearyl alcohol" are GOOD for you, sometimes referred to as "fatty alcohol," but in general steer clear of anything with the label "astringent" or containing an ingredient listed as just "alcohol" because it is NOT actually good for you skin.

5-6-7.  Essence + Ampoules + Sheet Masks.
THIS is where you really start giving your skin the yummy good stuff.  Essences are full of ingredients designed to plump, enhance, hydrate, rejuvenate, brighten, enliven, and enrich your skin.  It's like giving yourself a freak-healthy granola-style smoothie smack on your face.

Ampoules (as Charlotte describes them) are like essences boiled down into a concentrate.  These are powerful and used sparingly, and usually only when a problem is cropping up that needs addressing.

SHEET MASKS ARE THE BOMB.  Generally much cheaper than a bottle of essence or an ampoule, sheet masks are a way of getting a good soaking of essence on your face while minimizing the natural risk of product evaporation from your skin before you can absorb it.  They take roughly 20-30 minutes to soak in, they are cooling, refreshing, fun, inexpensive (I can get a package of them for a dollar each or less off Amazon), and they're a great way of getting LOTS of different skincare essences for many different skin needs without splashing out on lots of bottles of differences essences.

8.  Eye Cream.
DUR.  The skin around your eyes is thin, delicate, + in need of as much TLC as anything else.  Eye creams are specifically designed to work with that skin to brighten + hydrate.  (Dark circles.  Oh, I have them.)

if you don't want to splash out on a special eye cream, that's okay.  i often just use a touch of olive oil because it's healthy + hydrating.  just don't neglect your eyes, that's all!

9.  The MOISTURIZER.
This is often people's one + only step to their skincare routine, and yet it's nearly last in the 10-step skincare lineup.  Many of the preceding products have moisturizing elements in them, but this is the BIG GUN.  This is what keeps your skin looking plump, young, energized, rich, smooth, + elastic.  Hydration is key to keeping your skin looking healthy, otherwise it's going to become dull + flat + grey. C'est yuck.

DID YOU KNOW THAT oily skin does NOT mean you get to avoid moisturizing!  an oily face is your skin's way of saying, "HELP. I'M WORKING TOO HARD HERE."  moisturizing helps give your skin a break + lets your skin slow down + not overproduce so much oil.  there are lots of moisturizers designed for oily skin types to give them the hydration they need while hushing up their glands and calming everything down.  WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.

10.  Sunscreen.
THE SUN IS A DEATH-RAY.  I wish I could have snapped a picture of my niece's and my nephew's faces when I explained to them that sunscreen is more than just about avoiding a burn: it's about keeping off the sun's UVA rays, the ones which break down the inner cushioning of your skin, kill your skin cells, produce discolouration, wrinkles, loss of elasticity, and cause cancer.  THEY WERE SCARED.  And they should be!  The sun, as warm + inviting as it seems (I'm a cat: I loooove the sun), is extremely harmful to our health, and especially the long-term health of our protective organ - our skin.

you are probably not keen on overdrinking or smoking, right? because that's bad for your organs the LUNGS + LIVER.  so why would you skimp on keeping your largest, most protecting organ safe?  I ASK YOU.

but why this order?
All these steps + products, from 1-10, are organized rationally.  Obviously you want cleansing, exfoliating, + toning to come first to prep your skin for your skincare products (not doing this creates a waste of money if you actually bought skincare products).  But the products are used in order of weight consistency.  DUH.  Slap on a thick layer of moisturizer, and how is a delicate essence supposed to get down through your skin cells?

lightest weight product to heaviest  //  that's the way to apply
the book as a whole
- is a delight to read.  Charlotte Cho, a Korean born in California, is fully aware of the western mindset about skincare, and she does not shy away from tackling those misconceptions head-on.  All your concerns are addressed in a hilarious, easy-to-follow, delightful way, and that seemingly-weird, extravagant world of Korean skincare is opened up + revealed for what it is: a down-to-earth, no-nonsense, effective method for protecting our skin + keeping it healthy.

Skincare is a passion of mine: I could eat simple food + splash out on skincare products all day long if I allowed to!  It is relaxing, therapeutic, + the results are wonderful.  This has nothing to do with writing but it is definitely a topic which is near + dear to me, so I'm sharing it with you. Again, if you have skin + you are still alive, I highly recommend this book! <3

all images via pinterest

Ethandune [More Etc.] Excerpts | (Still) The Setup Phase

First of two, I wanted to thank everyone for the overwhelmingly understanding response to my depression post a few days ago.  It was not an easy post to write and it was NOT an easy post to send live.  Just the simple act of getting these things off my chest and out in front was a relief, and I'm so glad you were all so understanding, compassionate, and encouraging.  It has made the days easier to get through and the need to cry far less.

ETHANDUNE

Through all this, I have still been able to write!  I've been doing a lot of word-wars, which have slowly but surely crept my word-count up in Ethandune to (as I write this) 28,897 words.  My writing is my core, and you'd probably never be able to tell what a mess I've been these past two weeks if you read what I've written during that time, which in itself is an encouraging thing to note.

Well, you don't get to read what all I wrote during the past two weeks, but you DO get a glimpse, so at least that's SOMEthing.  (Everyone seemed chill with the term "snippets" so I guess I'll just let sleeping dogs lie.)  Also, just a brief reminder of the chronological order of the stories:

ampersandpleniluneethandune // talldogslamblightmaresgate // cruxgangamaranth drakeshelm

AND NOW, SNIPPETS

The high ground was a sudden outcropping of the bones of the mountain, twisting upward like a wrestler’s shoulder locked in battle with the sky. I swarmed up after the others, coming up out of a rustling backdrop of coffee boughs, and emerged with my head in the clear wind and my eyes burning with the sun. For a moment everything was a sparkle-haze of glare-flecks, like the mottling on a meadowlark’s egg, with the mothy-winged gleam of the men’s silhouettes all around me. Then, as I climbed to my feet, Plenilune opened up below me, my vision cleared, and I was looking down, down, down on a kind of beauty best taken naked than wrapped up in words.Dammerung turned his head—I saw the little winging of silver hairs at his temples glint in the sunlight—and said to Coeur de Leon, “Which are the kingdoms of this world that are vying for your obeisance?”ethandune
Dammerung walked back from the edge; passing me, I saw a shaded aspect to his countenance, his eyes downcast to his feet as he picked his way over the rocks. The pommel of his sword gleamed an odd blue-green, and I told myself it was only the backlight of the forest playing tricks with my vision.“Not a peaceful time,” he said idly, not looking back; “not then, nor awhile after. There was much to be buried of Plenilune dead—” He turned of a sudden, his foot on the top step which led down into the orchard. That bony, harsh, maliciously unhappy visage seized his countenance and froze it for a second in a mask of black ferocity. “Sometimes their graves can’t hold them, and they walk back undead.”ethandune
I had drunk too much sun, as a man drinks too much wine; in a sleepy, pleasant daze I walked tagalong after Goddgofang and Aaron Golightly down the sloped track to town, bumping now and again into the jostling bodies of Lapwing and Wagtail, who walked with me.ethandune
The track led me out of the coffee-swathes into a sudden, long greensward that arced across the hillside and went swooping down toward a rocky, cliffed bay below. The grasses of the sward were long and uncut, filled with the whirring rattle of the summertime cicadas, and coming out of the trees I was met with an uphill rush of sea-wind that roared among the grasses, lifting my damp hair off my forehead, and blowing up my arms from my sides with its force. The long grasses flattened and ran away before the wind like the brothers in Joseph’s dreams, and, spurred by the vein-fire magic of the thing and the respite of the open turf, I began to run downhill along the track, into the head-wind, and knew in those flying, salty, throbbing minutes how a gull must feel on the wing.ethandune
Slowly, slowly, like the swing of a cat’s tail, the foot began to move again.“The coffee—it is ready? I will take it black.”Knoll Fairfax handed the cup over reluctantly. “You do not demand an explanation of me?”Aaron spoke up for the first time, having hung back on the leaf-green outskirts of the kitchen-garden, so that, once again, I had forgot his presence. “Goddgofang likes you,” he put in gently. “He will not press a man for answers, not if he likes him.”“Oh!” mocked Fairfax. “He likes the answers to come willingly.”Goddgofang set his cup on his knee and shrugged pleasantly, his eyes on the curl of steam and the shadow of his moving foot.Fairfax came round on the de la Mare, shaking his head wrathfully. “I never fought under your father. What view of action I saw was in the north, when the Carmarthen decided our borders were weak with our own civil squabbling. But I heard, even then, that your father was like that. You might be him, two decades and a hand-cast of years ago.”“Actually,” Goddgofang raised a gentle smile to the man’s face, “I look more like my uncle.”ethandune
[What if the problem is not that large?]I spun round on Malkin. “What do you mean?”He shook himself, compacted his limbs, and vaulted gracefully into the deep recess of the windowsill, so that his lean black body swallowed up a cat’s-shape of stars in the glim of the night sky. [What if we are going about this all the wrong way? What if—instead of being so massive as the celestial oceans, the problem is really quite small—like a door?] Like a door. Small—like a door. Small—like the way into the kingdom of heaven. Small—like the manger of the Christ. Small. //Small.// “I’ve been looking at this all wrong!” I cried. “I have been trying to crowd the sun with angels, when all along they were small enough to fit through the eye of a needle!” blueshift

The Truth About Being Honest When You Are Terrified

I've been crying for the past two weeks.  Every day I think, this is the bottom of the barrel, it can't get any worse than this - and then another barrel opens up below that and I fall even lower.  To my chagrin, I'm a painfully honest person.  I hate lying.  So every time someone asks me how I'm doing, I tell them about the barrel I'm in.  Unfortunately that has resulted almost exclusively in lectures about how to get out of the barrel, which have left me more bruised + battered than before.

you could plant me like a tree beside a riveryou could tangle me in soil + let my roots run wildand i would blossom like a flower in a desert//but for now just let me cry//
Life leaves wounds, wounds which I'm not sure ever really heal until the Lord comes back, and I've always been a deeply passionate, vulnerable person, which means my soul is so close to the surface that it gets hurt a lot without me knowing how to protect it.  I see people close to me who have tough skins and manage to plough through their hurts, who manage to overcome them and keep going - and I'm left miserable + drowning in a sense of insecurity because I'm NOT the suffer-in-silence type.  If I try to bottle it away, I create what the past two weeks have been: swallowing-glass misery + a feeling of being emotionally dead yet suffering hellacious agony at the same time.

you could raise me like a banner in a battleput victory like fire behind my shining eyesand i would drift like falling snow over the embers//but for now just let me lie//
Please Handle Souls With Care.  |  Like a small wild animal, I will lash out when I feel like I'm backed into a corner + can't take any more.  It's a nasty reaction and a nasty place to be, and it's where I've been for the past two weeks - getting pushed further + further into a corner //and then getting harried + cut more when I react because I feel like I can't take any more.//  Sometimes it's the regrettable, angry lashing-out of someone in pain, sometimes it's the desperate crying of the two blind men calling for Jesus' mercy - either way, everything around me seems to try to smother me.  My soul is cut raw + I'm begging for someone to handle it gently.

bind up these broken bonesmercy, bend + breathe me back to lifebut not before you show me how to die
I'm Terrified of People Now + Somehow I Still Want to be Honest.  |  Half of what you see on The Penslayer is the burst of flame + genius that comes with my magic-prone, imaginative soul.  It's all very nice to look at, and maybe you wish you had that spark too.  Everybody writes differently, everybody has a different soul; I just wanted you to know that, behind the glamour + the flash + the prose I write which you like to eat, there's a young woman who is not always sure how to be happy, and has been crawling through a living death for awhile.  I am literally shaking head to toe with fear as I write this.  It's not all Dammerung + cool writing.  It's having never lived this life before + messing up a lot at it while simultaneously feeling like I should be doing better than I am.  It's been living with the guilt of feeling guilty.  It's been hurting + feeling like the hurt is all my fault.  It's been feeling lost + wondering if I accidentally threw away the map.

i can't be the only one

This is my story right now.  I share it because, dreadfully introverted as I am, sharing my burdens is how I find release.  I share it because I want you to know who the Penslayer Girl really is.  Of course I want you to love my writing as much as I do.  I put my heart + soul into my work.  It's a forge of passion for me.  It's a pair of wings.  It's a clipper ship + a comet + a smile from someone I love.  But I want you to know that when I write among the stars, sometimes I'm six feet under ground.

"beginning to sink, he cried, 'lord, save me!' "
image via pinterest

3 Ways Passion Will Make You a Fearless Blogger

 the fear of all humble creatives
My husband was terrified.  You know that kind of terror which becomes physical: sick to the stomach, stabbing in the heart-muscles.  Facing an unpleasant personal crisis moment within himself over his work, he was stressing - terrified - agonized - over his responsibility to create great work for clients who were depending on him.  He felt dissatisfaction in everything he produced and felt he was failing - failing his clients, failing himself, failing.

Dark ten-thirty, I was half-asleep and trying to grasp everything he was saying with the appropriate level of visual appreciation and concern, and all I could think was how exactly alike our feelings were regarding our separate modes of creativity.  I can hardly go a week without a crashing fear that I am completely kidding myself and I will never reach that vague, perfect pinnacle of writing that I strive for.  I'm terrified of letting my followers down, of ruining an ending with a flat fall, of flubbing characters, of writing a stupid plot that isn't worth the paper it's printed on.  I know that fear.  I've felt that terror.  I live with it every day.

I'm a cut-the-Gordian-knot kind of person.  I especially don't have the energy to beat around the bush at dark ten-thirty, so I asked him the dividing question which keeps my own head above the water and keeps me swimming.

"Does it make you want to quit?"

"No," he admitted after a pause; then, still more grudgingly, "...it makes me want to try harder."

YOU CAN'T FAKE PASSION

I share this story because it highlights the core engine of creativity.  No matter how bad you may be at a given thing at a given time in your life, no matter how many setbacks you endure or how loudly your brain says, "You're really flubbing this + it's embarrassing!", your passion will keep you going.  Genius lights the way, but passion drives blind.  Logic says, "this is crap!" but passion says, "we can't give up!"

Passion is love through turmoil.  Passion is grit in the face of personal + external opposition.  Our passion for something is part of who we ARE and can't be taken away.  It keep us going - harder, faster, bolder, tougher, humming, shining, beautiful.  Passion is indispensable.  Passion is a communicable attribute of our God.

THE 3 EXPRESSIONS OF MY PASSION

1.  I believe in myself + my work.  |  I'm not going to save the best point for last because this one is crucial.  Beneath the layers of neurosis, self-doubt, + fear, //I BELIEVE.//  I believe my work is / can be GOOD.  I believe it can be GREAT.  I believe my voice is worth hearing.  I believe my passion matters.  I believe my passion is strong enough to carry me forward.

2.  Personal insufficiency makes me want to try harder.  |  This is what passion does: it crawls over obstacles, it moves mountains, it throws them into the sea, it lifts valleys + splits oceans.  It commits me.  It's my core.  It's a tiger + a team of horses + a fire + a pole-star.  I can't - I won't - hide it: it makes me enormous + gives my work life.

3.  "I love that about your posts because they're honest + they bleed you...it's encouraging + just refreshing."  |  Passion hushes up the doubt that would hold me back.  In a way it is both armour and a vulnerability.  It's a driving offensive maneuver that breaks through the surprised blogging ranks and (I've discovered) shakes people up with a show of what they call "sincerity" + "honesty."  It also unabashedly shows people who I really am because passion is at my centre, and showing my passion means revealing ME.  


confidence  ///  tenacity  ///  genius
These natural offshoot sparks of passion don't eliminate doubt, but they can overwhelmingly conquer when given their head.  So whatever your passion is, wherever you are, whoever you are, remember these three things and //keep going//.  Passion is powerful.  It even saved mankind.


images via pinterest

Why NOT Being a Prolific Writer is a Godsend

Georgette Heyer - 50 + works in varying genres.  Rosemary Sutcliff - 60+ works in varying genres.  Dorothy Sayers - 139+ works in varying genres.Let's not even try looking at Rudyard Kipling.    
Some writers write A LOT.  You look at their work + their lifespan, and you think, "These people must not even stop to poop!"  NONE OF MY EXAMPLES EVEN HAD COMPUTERS.  You stare at your manuscript that you've been working on for the past five years and you DESPAIR.

In the Christian culture, I think in some ways this pressure to create is magnified because it's seen as a "ministry" (that word in itself has many ills to answer for).   We feel the pressure to create art that is true + meaningful + opens up the mysteries of the kingdom through fantasy (??), and all that sounds good because truthful art is a good thing.  We need to flood the reading market with Scripture-based fiction that isn't too preachy, because we need to take back ground + win souls + be a witness + write, write, WRITE.  That sounds good.  But is it?  Is it, though...?

"these our hells + our heavens, so few inches apart, we must be awfully small + not has strong as we think we are"

If you think you're going to look at the Penslayer Girl's bio + read about how she's writing for the Lord, YOU WOULD BE TOWERINGLY MISTAKEN.  I am not writing for the Lord.  And you probably shouldn't try it either.  It is a horrendous piece of cheek which has crept into our culture, and found a nice nesting place in girls' blogs.  You know the phrase: "daughter of the true King! writing for the Lord!"  You might even have that as your own bio.  I'm sorry.

The Lord doesn't need you + you don't know what you're talking about.  |  If you possibly think you know enough to "write" for the Lord, you know nothing of the smallness of man nor the immensity of God.  Do as Job did, and put your hand over your mouth.  Be humble.  God has left his written witness.  My fiction - your fiction - none of it is necessary.

"the best things which we do have somewhat in them to be pardoned"

Art < God  |  It is true that art, in its accuracy, will be a truthful representation or exposition of reality.  That is a beneficial thing to man + it is wonderful that God gave us the capacity to see the world more clearly through a microcosm of creativity.  But art never - and will never - hold a candle to the revelation which God himself has given, and we are dangerous fools to suppose we can add to the impact of the simple scripture with our poor, uneducated, proud, silly, childish, fanciful stories.

so don't despair if you don't write much

You may smell less of smoke in the judgment than others.  |  Every work I create, from "Plenilune" to my dying manuscript, will be held up in the last day and examined.  I can already tell you their peacock feathers will be burnt.  I can already tell you they have a great deal of chaff to be beat out of them, too much earthiness to be any spiritual good.  There is too much of my old man in them.  What good they may to do the souls of others, I pray to God that may be abundant.  But everything in them which is not worthy of God will be stripped out of my soul - and it will not be pleasant.

"Take comfort in your smallness."  |  Don't be hell-bent on writing a lot.  Write well.  Write truthfully.  Write humbly.  But don't strive to get to the gates with a mountain of work which will only be burnt up as stubble.

the day will show
image via pinterest