Randy Henderson's Blog, page 5
January 23, 2016
Book Club Finn Fancy Fun!
I’m having a blast visiting book clubs to discuss the Finn Fancy series. Here’s a couple of photos (more to come):
Greater Tacoma Scifi/ Fantasy Book Club
Bellingham Scifi/Fantasy Concern Bookclub
Other Realms Book Group, Seattle
If you are in a book club, might I humbly suggest this is a great time for you to pick Finn Fancy to read? Here’s why:
* Reviews describe it as a fast paced and fun read full of laughs, laughs and more laughs — a great way to stave off those post-holiday winter blues!
* It came out in paperback January 5th! Or you can get the Hardback for nearly the same price with all the deep discounts — WHAT A DEAL! But wait, there’s more … 
January 22, 2016
On “City on Fire” and Mocking Bad Writing
In my social media feed, a lot of people were sharing this post about City on Fire, a book with sentences so bad they are funny (much like entries into the Bulwer-Lytton “Dark and Stormy Night” contest but not intentionally so).
I laughed. Then I learned about the author, and the history of the book.
I think we can learn a lot from this example, but not just about bad sentences.
WHEN I FIRST READ THE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SENTENCES:
First, yes, these sentences are pretty bad. As in, this is a master class in bad sentences. I think an annotated version of this list that breaks down just why each is so bad would be very helpful for writers.
The examples range from pretty common writer errors like:
“But that was where the drawing ended. Below was just white space.” The problem here is stating something so redundant and obvious that it becomes ridiculous. So we can take this, and learn from it to make sure, for example, you don’t write something like “His heart beat in his chest,” because if you are human, where else would it be beating?
To a wide range of other issues as in these examples:
“Just then, a horripilating Scaramouche appeared at her elbow.”
Or
“Breasts like bronzed mangoes.”
In fact, there appears to be a lot of bad breast descriptions in the book.
HOWEVER:
My first reaction on seeing so many posts slamming this book’s awful writing was, let us critique the writing but still try to be kind to the author.
This is a debut novel, and if someone had published the first horrible novel I wrote (which of course at the time I thought was awesome) it would have probably been rightly mocked and I would be forever embarrassed.
This is as arguably also the fault of the editors and publisher for not rejecting the manuscript outright, or telling him to rewrite it, I thought.
Or if he had self-published it, then it would still have been damaging and embarrassing for him but probably few people would know about it. The vast majority self-published badly written literary novels do not sell many copies. This was not a decently written YA or spec fic novella, which might sell like hotcakes online. It was a bid for the Great American Literary Masterpiece.
My initial reaction was that it will likely be so much harder for him to get his (hopefully) better future novel published now, the novel that reflects all the ways he’s improved as a writer from this experience. I kind of felt bad for the guy.
BUT THEN:
Garth Risk Hallberg is a writing professor at Sarah Lawrence College and literary critic who got a $2 Million dollar advance for the 900 page manuscript. He was labeled a literary wunderkind, the toast of the town, a media darling, while claiming to be an outsider not interested in it all. He screams literary cliche‘. And he’s sold at least 80,000 copies of the book in theory. Not nearly enough to earn back his advance yet, which his publisher is shrugging off claiming this is a book that will be read for generations, but it still sold far more copies than I or most writers I know have sold (although apparently some portion of that was the publisher buying its own books, perhaps to ensure the book qualified as a best seller, thus getting that self-fulfilling cycle going of perception leading to reality).
Suddenly, it became so much harder for me to feel bad for the guy.
AND YET:
Of the 14 editors who read the manuscript, 12 wanted it and got in a bidding war. It was snatched up for film and TV after a single reading. I have not read it. So maybe it’s a great story with some really bad writing, which again is something the agent and editors could have potentially helped with, especially with a $2 Million advance on the line.
Now, there is also certainly privilege at play here (which I myself have admittedly benefited from). He fits the dominant “image” of a literary bestseller, was able to cute-meet his agent over all their similarities, and privilege doubtless played some role in him getting the jobs and opportunities leading up to his success. So maybe it just FELT like a great book and safe investment to the editors, because it was so heavy (literally), read as ambitious, and the pedigree (and look/feel) of the author “felt” right, and …
I don’t know. Maybe it is good. Maybe it is horrible. And I already have a teetering stack of (probably) better things that (definitely) are more to my tastes to read, so I don’t imagine I’ll be finding out, except through others’ opinions.
STILL:
This is not a case exclusive to Hallberg’s novel. Envy and Imposter Syndrome are almost always with us writers at some level, I find. It is easy to mock the works of others, and to resent those who seem to have achieved more than us but on less perceived merit.
But in the end, we are all chasing our dreams by different paths, all trying to write that thing that will be read and loved by many (or maybe bought by many). And most of us struggle through the same problems, have to learn the same lessons, have to grow beyond the same mistakes. And hopefully there are friends, fellow writers, or editors we trust who can help prevent us from putting too many of our mistakes out in the world before we learn to stop making them.
Finally, a rising tide lifts all boats. Garth Risk Hallberg didn’t take any readers away from me, and didn’t even take any readers away from other literary writers (at least I assume it isn’t so bad it causes someone to stop reading altogether). Readers don’t just read one book, we read a book then seek out another book, quite probably like the ones we’ve already enjoyed. Further, maybe some of those 80,000 readers of City on Fire were drawn to it despite not being regular readers, and having enjoyed it (or being disappointed in it yet wanting something like it but different), will seek out other books. We help each other with every (readable) book we publish.
SO:
Garth Risk Hallberg, I hope you take all of this as a critique of the writing, not of you. Congratulations on putting in the hard work of building a career around literature, of networking successfully, and of writing a 900 page novel, congratulations on having the courage to share this piece of yourself with the world. It is unfortunate that nobody, including yourself, stopped you from putting those sentences out there. But as a literary professor, you can now use your own book as a great teaching tool, if you have the extremely valuable ability to laugh at your own mistakes. And I hope you go on to write something that is truly great, building on the lessons you learn from this experience.
PS:
I also had the thought, what if his $2 Million advance meant less publisher money to take risks on other authors with smaller advances. But I suspect it is more the case that, since bestsellers are what provide publishers the profits they need to take risks and losses on new authors, this was a gamble in that direction. And while they haven’t made the profits yet needed to support new authors, they hopefully have earned enough back to not harm their investment in other new voices too much, and considered that ahead of time.
PPS:
My short fantasy parody The Most Epicly Awesomest Story! Ever!! (published a while back on Everyday Fiction) demonstrates a lot of similar problems of hilariously bad writing, but on purpose. It has actually been used in classrooms as a teaching example. But that makes me proud and happy, because I intended for it to be funny and instructive. I’m sure I’d be far less happy about Finn Fancy being used to demonstrate bad writing, though it certainly has at least three imperfect sentences in it.
January 19, 2016
Some Finn Fancy Love Time
“So, this is your apartment? Nice. Where can I slip into something more comfortable?”
“Right over there, in the door past that copy of Finn Fancy Necromancy. Oh my gosh, have you read it? It’s REALLY exciting and funny an — uh, like you. I’ll get the wine.”
Why do I give this fine example of Finn Fancy love? Well, let’s play a quick Choose Your Own Finnventure:
You come across a dark and quirky contemporary fantasy series that features lots of humor, magic, action, romance, sasquatches, gnomes, Fey, social unrest, family drama, 80s and 90s references, and more.
If you find that uninteresting, fair enough, turn back to page Facetweet and have an awesome day.
If you think it might be cool for the series to continue past book 3, continue reading.
The Finn Fancy series is not in trouble, but it has reached its first critical test. Whether or not Tor wants to publish more Finn Fancy books will likely be based on sales of book 1 and pre-sales of book 2 over the next few weeks. Just because that’s how the industry works.
What this is: Me asking you to take a few minutes to support Finn Fancy if you’ve read and enjoyed it, OR if dark and quirky contemporary fantasy is something that interests you and you MIGHT read it someday. Or if you are just feeling generous toward me and want to support my dream, I suppose.
So if you DO want to help guarantee more Finn Fancy books, here’s what you can do, in rough order from most impact to least. I’ve tried to make it easy:
1) BUY THE BOOKS. You can buy Book 1: FINN FANCY NECROMANCY, and/or Book 2: BIGFOOTLOOSE AND FINN FANCY FREE in your preferred format at any of the links below. Or if you plan to attend one of my readings for Bigfootloose and intend to buy the book, pre-order from that bookstore and let them know.
Finn Fancy Necromancy:
Bigfootloose Available for Pre-Order (Releases February 16, 2016):
2) PROMOTE THE BOOKS on your social media. Here’s some images and sample 140 character text you can copy/paste and then tweak to make your own, or you can of course just let the inspiration flow.
I loved Finn Fancy Necromancy, and so excited for Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free! If you like fun, funny fantasy: http://amzn.to/20bfYWg
3) REVIEW THE BOOKS. If you’ve read them, give them honest reviews on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and iTunes (at the same links as listed above for purchasing), and Goodreads (links below). (I can’t give you words to copy/paste here, that would feel wrong. And not in a good way.).
Goodreads for Finn Fancy Necromancy
4) TELL PEOPLE in live conversations that you enjoyed/ are interested in the Finn Fancy series. In addition to the fine example in the opening of this post, here’s a couple more:
Example 1:
“Read anything good lately?”
“Yes, Finn Fancy Necromancy! It was really fun and funny, you should totally read it!”
Example 2:
“Where do you want to eat tonight?”
“Someplace with good light for reading. I just can’t put this book, Finn Fancy Necromancy, down! It’s so good! Just like Greek Pizza, full of exiting and rich flavors, yet also pretty cheesy.”
“Soooo … pizza then?”
Example 3:
“Honey, what safe word should we use?”
“‘Finn Fancy.’ Because it’s a really exciting and adventurous series that isn’t afraid to explore pain and laughter, but sets clear boundaries and expectations.”
“Ummm …”
Well, you get the idea.
What this is not: desperation, or me asking folks to save my series just because, or me not knowing what I’ll do if Tor doesn’t buy more. I think book 1 sold pretty well*, and if not I’ll be fine if they don’t buy book 4. I’ve been incredibly blessed to be published as is, and I love writing the Finn Fancy books, but if the series ends I will write other things. And Finn will be fine — he can quit getting into danger and drama and go write video games on his Commodore 64 in the Heaven of Retired Characters.
But all the feedback I’ve received is that readers loved Finn Fancy Necromancy, and I’d hate for Finn Fancy to die not because of a lack of interest, but rather just because I dislike doing the self-promotion thing too much**. Especially when there is a very specific sales period like this that can really matter.
So thank you if you’ve taken any of these actions, and thanks so much to all of the readers, booksellers, librarians, and friends who’ve helped Finn Fancy and my writerly dreams live and shine bright.
Footnotes (that might be of informativational interest to writerly types):
*Book 1 sold decently in hardback — “decently” being defined (with my complete lack of previous experience or context in these matters) as enough to sell through its advance and a bit more, but it didn’t require multiple printings or anything — and is now out in Trade Paperback. I’m hopeful that Tor isn’t exactly disappointed, but I’m also sure they’re not leaping up like meerkats, impressed by this hot new author or anything). Book 2 comes out February 16th. Because of the long publishing cycle, Tor really can’t wait and see how books 2 and 3 actually sell over time before deciding whether to contract book 4. The constraints of linear time and temporal integrity directives can be so annoying sometimes. Or to put it another way, I would need to have book 4 written before book 3 even comes out. Traditional publishing cycles are funky that way.
**While Finn ended up on personal fave lists, I didn’t do the work of reminding people about my books as the big names/sites were compiling their 2015 Year’s Best lists or their 2016 Most Anticipated lists or nominating books for awards etc. Not to imply it would have definitely gotten on such lists if I had, yet weirdly, I felt bad for Finn. He deserved better of me. I know it is a perfectly legit and necessary part of the promotion game, but I just didn’t feel comfortable doing so. Which in the end perhaps does the series a disservice, and could harm the potential of more books in a series people seem to enjoy. It’s such a weird circular dance. So I’m biting the bullet and being self-promotiony about this, because this at least is just a direct and meaningful act of reader democracy: if you like the books (or think you might), you can vote with your support to continue the series.
January 17, 2016
The Benefits of a Con Where Few People Came
When the lights went out in the room due to the lack of bodies, we had to laugh.
I was a panelist at Rustycon this weekend, a lovely small local con run by very dedicated and passionate volunteers. Unfortunately, several factors led to smaller than expected turnout — horrible Friday weather and traffic, every other person in the State apparently having the flu, and a Seahawks game on Sunday among them. As a result, my panels all had two to five attendees. The Guest of Honor’s had maybe fifteen. I was lucky enough to have a handful of people at my reading, but several writers had nobody show.
I’m glad I went.
Like a lot of people, I’ve been crazy busy of late, essentially three-full-time-jobs level busy. So there are those who might question whether a con where only a handful of people attended my panels might be seen as a “waste of time.”
But here’s why I don’t feel it was:
First, because I am busy, it is very easy for me to not step outside my work and home and routine, and engage in actual social interaction. I have a lot of friends online, sure — and I actually consider every single person I friend on Facebook a friendship, it’s just that many are in a very embryonic state. At this con, like any con, I got to deepen some of those friendships, to engage in a personal and meaningful way with some of those friends, including Grant Riddell (of 3 Unwise Men podcast) erotica author Sienna Saint-Cyr, YA/Superhero writer April Daniels, and the Cascade Writers crew. I also got to brush the dust of my general social skills.
Photo courtesy of Alaina Ewing
Second, when I first went to cons, I was a me, an uncertain and inexperienced writer and genre fan, I was not a crowd. And there were a handful of pros like Jay Lake who made me feel like I was not just an attendance number to them. I had John Pitts and Spencer Ellsworth as critiquers at my first writing workshop at my first Norwescon, and their advice and encouragement helped me get where I am today, and now I count them among my friends and fellow professional writers.
John A Pitts speaking to a crowd, including a Cleric.
So when I go to a con, I don’t go for the crowds. I go for all of the individuals there, each person who might be like I was 5, 10, or 20 years ago.
Third, there are people who come to the smaller local cons that do not go to the bigger cons. Persons with physical disabilities, social anxieties, and other factors that make them perhaps unable or unwilling to push through the crowds at a packed larger con. And I want to offer my time and experience and friendship to them, and learn from them, as much as any fellow fan or writer who is able to attend the larger cons. I don’t want to contribute further to marginalizing their experience of fandom. Actively participating in and giving equal energy and attention to these cons is something within my control that I can do.
Finally, I try to make the most of all situations. I am constantly a writer. I can constantly learn new things. I can sit in on a panel on a topic I think I know well, and learn surprising new things — and if I’m not learning, I’m writing. I can have conversations with strangers and learn fascinating aspects of jobs or interests that I had never given much thought to. And of course, I still take the time to step away and write whenever I can.
The caveat here is that I did not pay for a booth in the Dealer’s room, and I live close enough to the con that I commuted one day (and stayed in the hotel the next just for convenience). So my financial output was minimized. I understand how a person who invested real money into being there in the hopes of making that money back would be disappointed in low attendance and count it a loss financially. Though we can never fully know how our actions today may result in returns in the future.
But in the end, I got out of the con what I put into it, what I brought to it, what I expect from any con — to spend time with people who share my love of the genre and of writing, to gain some inspiration, and to share what little knowledge and experience I have with those who came seeking it, to pay forward in some small way what was given to me in cons past.
I look forward to seeing folks at Radcon, and Norwescon, later this year.
January 13, 2016
The Fate of Grimdark the Grimdarian and the Rise of Shiny Fantasy
Like most people I think, I read by both taste and mood. Sort of like how I eat. Or make lo — uh, make the food I eat.
While I enjoy dark fantasy and so-called “grimdark” (official term and sponsor of the 2000’s Stuff Nobody Agrees What the Official Term Should Be For-athon), it feels like heavy lifting to me, as it is often filled with a sense of hopelessness, of fear, of pain, etc. that, even when cut with the occasional moment of joy, can still feel draining to read (at least for me). I have to take my dark in small doses, like absinthe, or Carrot Top, or the awareness of my inevitable death.
Swallow My Darkness!!!
Don’t get me wrong. I think that Shakespeare guy has a real future with those crazy dark tragedies of his. And when done well, “grimdark” can be satisfying reading in the sense that you feel these complex and sometimes uncomfortable emotions evoked by the work, and feel rewarded for that heavy lifting. It also is able to explore deep and difficult themes and subjects in a more focused way than other fantasy, topics such as the darker side of human nature, moral ambiguity, torture, the origins of cruelty, etc.
In the words of that wise bard Trent Reznor, “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.”
But what drew me personally into fantasy to begin with was (mostly) not exploring the dark or raw side of humanity and reality, it was escaping into magical worlds, and being filled with a sense of wonder. Granted, Thomas Covenant and Lord of the Rings are not entirely happy happy joy joy, but even they had a sense that around every corner the character would find something magical and wondrous. Yet in a lot of today’s darker, grittier fantasy, in trying to feel uber-“real,” the simple fun and wonder of it all gets buried under the blood and mud.
The trend toward the dark is understandable, and very visible. We went from Christopher Reeves to “Man of Steel,” from “Meh-wige, that bwessed awangement” to the Red Wedding. Certainly, we live in the age shaped by September 11th, war, and the Great Recession, by looming environmental collapse, news media that profits on fear and anger, and a broken political system that does the same It’s freaking depressing, and makes folks cynical and angry. And that has seeped into our consciousness in all kinds of ways, and thus into our entertainment.
Finn Fancy Necromancy was written because I’d just finished writing a couple of dark, gritty (and not great) novels that required a lot of research and heavy lifting to write, and I was burned out on it. I just wanted to have some fun, to play with magic, to have some laughs, and spend time in places and on subjects I loved. I think that is a large part of why it was successful. That, and my sacrifices to the dark gods, of course. So, a bit of irony there, perhaps.
In the sequel “Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free,” though, I got a bit darker and grittier again. Part of that was a reflection of what was going on in my life at the time. Part of that was me reacting to reader requests to explore the world and the characters deeper. And I think part of it was my natural tendency to want to throw my characters into physical and emotional peril and hardship so that they have real challenges to overcome. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still lots of humor, and romance, and adventure, but the “dark” part of the “dark and quirky” label the Finn Fancy series has been given was a little bit darker this time.
Yet I’m writing book 3 right now, and I’ve definitely swung back more toward the fun and funny again. The humor, the sense of wonder and magic — I need it. I want it. I love it.
Maybe it has a little to do with how we cope in general. When life is feeling crappy or heavy, you can try to make yourself feel better by A) reminding yourself that other people have it worse, and perhaps even engaging in a bit of schadenfreude, or B) you can focus on the positives in your life and try to lighten the mood, to have a laugh, to appreciate all the wonder and beauty around you.
I guess what we seek in fiction at any time can be a bit like that too, depending on our mood (and perhaps how many fucks we have to give at the time — hmmm, I wonder, if Amazon had a “fucks to give” rating, would that help people pick what they are in the mood to read? Note to self: send genius proposal 1,879 to Bezos. And send follow up queries on the other 1,878 proposals).
I suppose a final element of the “grimdark” trend too is the “chasing what’s selling” temptation. While many authors clearly write “dark and gritty” fantasy because it is their genuine passion (George R. R. Martin, Scott Lynch, N. K. Jemisin, Joe Abercrombie, Nnedi Okorafor, Mark Lawrence, and Django Wexler for example), some emerging authors no doubt looked at how zombies and Game of Thrones were popular and making bank, and were tempted to emulate that perceived path to success even if it wasn’t their natural preference.
A graphical representation of the rising trend in lighthearted fantasy
Who knows. Maybe now that we’ve collectively poked at our emotional and psychological bruises to examine the pain, we’re ready to brush ourselves off and start dreaming of happier, more magical worlds again — not to avoid reality, but to help sustain our spirits as we fight for a better reality. Perhaps we’ve swung back around to actually craving that again.
And probably, all of that is moot anyway. Readers read what makes them happy. Sometimes it is a blood-covered orgy, sometimes it is a wisecracking fairy. Sometimes it is a blood-covered orgy with wisecracking fairies. There will always be readers for both, and for neither.
January 5, 2016
Con Jobs January Edition
I’ll be teaching a 90 minute workshop at Radcon in February, and before that on a number of panels at Rustycon at the end of January! Come hang out with me and exchange thoughts on the joys and challenges of writing. There are limited seats for the workshop, but both the workshop and of course the panels are free if you’re registered for the relevant convention.
The Goonies look on in amazement as Randy reads from his novel
FOOLSCAP WRITING WORKSHOP – LEVEL UP AS A WRITER
Friday, February 5, 2016, 1:30 pm
This “kitchen sink” presentation will cover everything from beginning writer mistakes to advanced plotting techniques, and the common evolutionary stages many writers go through from aspiring writer to published pro. Whatever stage you are at, you will hopefully learn something to help you level up as a writer. With handouts! And exercises! But not the sweaty kind of exercises.
To Register: http://www.foolscap.org/workshops/
RUSTYCON PANELS – JAN 15-17, 2016
What I Would Have Liked to Know? (Fri Jan 15 4:00 PM)
Tips from pros. What we really would have liked to know when we started out. Things that we would have liked to have someone tell us 30 years that would have made a world of difference to where we are now.
Elizabeth Guizzetti Jeremy Zimmerman Randy Henderson
Reading by Randy Henderson (Fri Jan 15 7:30:pm)
Randy reads from “Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free,” a dark and quirky contemporary fantasy from Tor.
In Orcas A room.
The Myth of Writer Block (Sat Jan 16 10:00:am)
We’ve all had difficulties from time to time getting a scene onto paper. Don’t be fooled into calling it writer’s block.
Cheryce Clayton Grant T. Riddell Randy Henderson Raven Oak Stoney Compton
Plot vs Character Arc (Sat Jan 16 7:00:pm)
What is the difference between Plot and Character Arc? How can they work together to make a good story? How can you get past conflicts between them?
Alma Alexander Janine A. Southard John Lovett Randy Henderson
Story Shorts! (Sun Jan 17 10:00:am)
Interested in writing flash or short stories? Pros talk about writing, submitting, and the benefits of short fiction.
Manny Frishberg Michael Ehart Randy Henderson
The Creative Process (Sun Jan 17 11:00:am)
So you have an idea for the next Ender\’s Game, Stranger in a Strange land, or Dune. How do you take shake this idea into shape from beginning to end.
Jean Johnson Randy Henderson Tom D Wright
Convention Website: http://www.rustycon.com/index.php
January 2, 2016
Setting Your Goals for 2016
Happy New Year!
Rather than simply share events from my past year, I thought I’d again offer a bit of encouragement and advice to help with the coming year. While this is aimed primarily at my fellow writers, the same advice can also, I think, be applied to most any goal or creative pursuit, and to life in general.
This weekend, I encourage you to sit down and do three things:
1) Create a calendar/schedule for your goals and tasks.
2) Create, or update, your list of goals and tasks.
3) BELIEVE, and do what makes you happy.
SCHEDULE EVERYTHING
One of the problems I often had after setting goals, creating to do lists, etc. is I would then get busy doing All The Things (and being distracted by cute animal videos and other interweb evils, etc.) and end the day having done a lot of things that were not actually those things I’d planned.
The solution?
Don’t just make a To Do list. Put the tasks on a calendar/ schedule.
Block out specific times where you are going to do each thing. And be realistic about it. Know thyself. Leave yourself time to snuggle with a loved one, eat, nap, play with the pets, check social media, etc. as well as pad the time to allow for warming up mentally or physically to a task if necessary.
By prioritizing the things you really want or need to get done and blocking out specific times for them on your calendar, they are much more likely to get done, and in the order you want them to get done, than if you just create a list.
You can also see my post on prioritizing your tasks by Brainergy to help get the most important things done first.
.
CREATE/UPDATE YOUR LONG- AND SHORT-TERM GOALS
Setting specific goals is an important task. It helps you to stay focused on the tasks, and projects, that will actually move you in the direction you want to go, and not be distracted or sidetracked by tasks or “opportunities” that will not. And achieving goals gives you a sense of progress and growth.
I began using this general model horked from Booklife by Jeff Vandermeer, which I highly recommend for additional clarification on setting goals, and other aspects of living the life of a writer.
It basically breaks down like this:
Write a mission statement (who you want to be as a writer).
Translate that into Goals. Write down where you want to be as a writer in five years. Then break those goals down into shorter-term goals and tasks. Some goals break down easily to tasks (breaking a 100k word novel down into word count increments) and can be set up front. Other tasks (managing your inbox, buying printer ink) are also needed but will be fluid, popping up as needed, and so will be managed and updated week to week, day to day.
Update your Goals and Tasks. And you will need to occasionally update not only your short term task lists, but your long term goals as well. Perhaps you realize the goal timeline is unrealistic with your current life priorities. Perhaps you realize working toward that goal is not making you happy and a different goal will make you happier (e.g. you began writing a YA novel because that’s what’s hot, but YA is not your real love). Perhaps you have a life event that requires some adjustment to timelines. Perhaps an opportunity comes up that you decide to seize. Perhaps you achieve a goal and so need to make new ones to replace it.
Some examples are below. These are not my goals per se, but just some examples of the types of goals a writer might set.
Five Year Plan:
Publish at least two books with traditional publishers.
Self-Publish at least one book or story (to familiarize with process/ options).
Won’t pursue or accept commercial/ tie-in novel offers until at least one original novel published.
One Year Plan (what you need to do in next year to be on target for your 5 year goals, update yearly):
Complete new book.
Get agent for new book.
Sell two short stories to pro markets (ideally one set in same world as my book)
Get speaking and reading opportunity at one or more conventions.
Monthly Task List (what you need to do this month to be on target for your 1 year goal, update monthly):
Write at least 20k new words each month on book and short stories.
Complete at least one new short story every three months.
Read at least one novel (alternate between same genre as my WIP and not).
Attend critique group at least once.
Weekly Task List (what you need to do this week to be on target for your monthly task list, update weekly):
Write at least 5k new words on new book/stories.
Post at least one new blog post, and/or at least three original posts across social media.
Submit any completed or rejected stories.
Respond to request for interview by Friday.
Return contract by Tuesday
Daily Task List (what you need to do today):
Write at least 715 words
Resubmit any rejected stories
Clear out inbox
Buy printer paper
Work on interview questions
BELIEVE AND DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Writing is a masochistic occupation. It is full of rejection and hard work, usually for infrequent and underwhelming reward. And yet, for me, there is just no substitute for the happiness and sense of fulfillment it brings me, to face a blank page, and out of nothing to create worlds, and lives, and moments filled with drama and dread and joy and magic.
Just remember that setting goals as a writer doesn’t guarantee they will happen, or that your writing will achieve the level of commercial success you wish for.
BUT, if writing makes you happy, then write. And by setting goals, you will improve your chances of success, and you will be able to recognize and celebrate each small success. And the more you write, the better your writing will be, and the more the odds, and number, of successes will be in your favor.
Do not despair at the rejections, or the novel that didn’t work. Focus on your goals, and know that it is only a matter of time until they are met.
And most importantly, you are still writing, and that in itself is pretty dang awesome.
Finally, here’s a link to my SFWA article on how to be happy as a writer for some specific tips on doing so.
Please feel free to share your goals with me. I’d love to hear them and see examples of how other writers work and dream. And it also gives me the opportunity to offer help where I may.
Cheers.
December 27, 2015
Finn Fancy Trade in the Wild!
In all the craziness of the holidays, I almost forgot — Finn Fancy Necromancy is being released in Trade Paperback any day now!
So if you’re in your local bookstore and spot Finn Fancy Necromancy on the shelf, do me a huge favor and snap a photo and post it to Facebook or Twitter and tag me, or send me an email and let me know? Or if you want to be fancy, you can post it in the comments below using a basic IMG tag: [image error]url of your image here“>
I’ll send an Advanced Reader Copy of book 2: Bigfootloose and Finn Fancy Free, to the first two people to post pics of FFN trade edition in the wild. 
It could appear on bookstore shelves any time between now and early January, depending on when they receive the shipment and decide to shelve it.
Here are just some of the bookstores where you might spot it:
December 25, 2015
Real or Not Real: Horrible Santa Movies
Santa Claus has starred in a lot of movies. I can only assume he uses the money from his acting gigs to upgrade his workshop, what with technology always advancing. Hard to build iPods with chisels, ya know?
But, sadly, not all of his movies are good.
Here are some examples of the not-so-great ones. Some I made up. Some are real movies. And some I made up, and then found out they were real movies. How sad.
See if you can guess which are real, and which are bogus (answers are at the end). And just so the existence of hyperlinks does not give away which are the real ones, the false movies are linked to random Christmas-related material as well. If you are reading this at work, be aware that the YouTube videos will auto-start.
Enjoy.
1. SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)
Let’s just get this one right out of the way. A highly underrated classic that is often (unfairly) cited as the worst Christmas movie ever. But like all of the best science fiction, it was prophetic, with the Martian society reflecting our own future society. Children are treated as adults in small bodies, and medicated with sleep spray when they get too precocious. The concerns of the anti-hero, Voldar, predicted modern issues around the impacts that mass production of frivolous goods have had on our society. If the deep philosophical themes of this film had been taken to heart, it may well have helped us to avoid our current financial crises as caused by credit consumerism.
Indeed, I believe that history will mark this as one of the most important films of the 20th century.
Okay, sure, they have a robot made of a cardboard box and duct tubing. But come on, who’s to say someday we won’t build disposable robots exactly like that, huh? Again, just further proof that this move was revolutionary in its visionizing.
Speaking of Santa battling aliens …
2. SVP (SANTA VS. PREDATOR) (2004)
Santa’s elves, while searching for frozen cookie dough in the tundra of the North Pole, discover a space ship buried in the ice. They are soon plunged into Jingle Hell as a newly awakened Predator begins stalking Santa’s workshop and killing off its inhabitants one by one. But the Predator may have met its match, because Santa is no ordinary prey. If you liked the toy battle scenes from “Toys” or “Small Soldiers,” the body count of every Rambo movie combined, and the taste of Play-Doh, you’ll love this film. For those who are considering watching this with their children, be warned: the final scene, in which the Predator is lured into a giant Hungry Hungry Hippo pit and ripped apart by massive lunging Hippo heads, is particularly terrifying and bloody. Starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Santa Claus.
3. SANTA CLAUS (1959)
A sparkling gem from the Mexican film industry of the 1950’s, this movie from Rene Cardona Sr. explores Santa’s life. Tour his lovely floating castle in the clouds! Watch as he battles Satan with the help of Merlin! Yes, Merlin!
Thrill to the “It’s a Small World”-style opening montage of Santa’s child labor force each singing a “culturally-appropriate” song while Santa makes sweet, sweet finger love to an organ keyboard! Check out the kids from Africa with the bones in their hair, and the belly dancer from “The Orient.” Stereotypes are fun! And it just gets better from there.
A trivia tidbit: This movie is so incredible that it is credited with starting the Saturday Kiddie Matinee phenomenon — the predecessor of Saturday morning cartoons.
4. SANTA CLAWS (1996)
A boy finds his mommy in coitus with a man in a Santa Clause hat, and so of course shoots them both dead. Years later, he’s become the creepy, ponytail wearing neighbor and obsessive fan of a “sexy” B-movie scream queen, Raven Quinn. Raven finds herself naked quite a bit, along with many other women who are costarring in her latest project, “A Scream Queen Christmas.” Oh, and she’s struggling to find holiday cheer as her marriage falls apart. But mostly, she’s naked. The neighbor will do anything to make Raven happy, and that includes going nutters, dressing up as Santa, and killing anyone he feels has disrespected her. His weapon? A garden claw. Because nothing says Santa like a garden claw. True fact — they love to garden in the North Pole. This fine movie is a holiday stalker romance to rivalTwilight, but for adults. You know, the kind of adults who stay up late to watch skinemax movies, but don’t expect that high level of quality.
5. DAVID LYNCH’S SATAN CLAUS (1993)
Lynch explores the dark underbelly of Santa’s Workshop. An Alaskan sheriff discovers a body wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, and a message: “The man in red is in my head.” A trail of clues leads him to the North Pole, where he encounters backwards-dancing elves, a sex-addicted Mrs. Claus strung out on “snow,” male reindeer who are “milked” to produce Santa’s Hot Cocoa of Immortality, and cockroach-filled snowmen who speak to him in visions filled with melting faces and jazz music. I tried to find a plot summary on IMDB, but nobody could seem to figure out what exactly the plot was.
6. TERMINATOR: THE SANTA CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES (IN PRODUCTION, 2010)
Skynet and the machines are winning their war against John Connor and the resistance. In desperation, Connor sends a friendly terminator to the North Pole, hoping to recruit Santa to teach the machines some Christmas spirit and distract them with peace and love and joy long enough for the humans to finally wipe them out. But Skynet sends its own terminator north, hoping to use Santa’s mass-production capabilities and human-tracking technologies to wipe out the humans once and for all. Can a machine truly be naughty or nice? Can Santa save humanity from destruction? Find out Christmas 2010.
7. SANTA WITH MUSCLES (1996)
Starring Hulk Hogan. I know, those words alone are enough to make you want to buy copies for everyone you know. But then you worry, what if this is as bad as Arnie in “Jingle All the Way?” I mean, that was a Christmas movie with muscles too, and look what happened there. Well, let me reassure you, this movie breaks as many cliches as it does heads, and is as grand as Mr. Hogan’s moustache. The Hulkster plays a man who is conked on the head while wearing a Santa suit, and wakes thinking he is Santa. He then fights greedy real estate developers and evil scientists led by the ever-sinister Ed Begley Jr., all in order to protect an orphanage! Talk about the perfect holiday plot! And best of all, HH don’t wear no fool Santa suit, not with guns like his, baby. He walks around in a stylin sleeveless Santa vest and long black leather gloves. And a toupee. Now that’s Santa with muscles.
8. DEAD CLAUS (2003)
Christmas and zombies – not since chocolate and peanut butter has there been such a perfect combination. Yes, it goes from Merry Christmas to Scary Christmas when cosmic rays from a passing comet bombard Santa’s workshop, turning Santa’s helpers into flesh-eating zombies. If you thought the dogs in Resident Evil were freaky, wait until you see crazed skinless reindeer. And you won’t soon forget the Matrix-style mass decapitation-by-Slinky scene. So come on, and join Santa for the jolliest, bloodiest slay ride ever.
9. SANTA CLAUS: THE CLONE WAR (2008)
This film reveals the adventures of Santa in the period of time between “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and “The Year Without a Santa Claus.” Santa sees his workload double and quadruple as divorce becomes more and more common, leading to an exponential increase in Christmases for every child and their parents. Unable to maintain the massive increase in workload, Santa clones himself an apprentice. But his apprentice falls under the corrupting influence of the Winter Warlock, who, unbeknownst to Santa, is a Dark Lord. In the end, Santa must battle his own clone to save Christmas. Be sure to also check out the action figures, ornaments, happy meals, Lego sets, and other merchandise available soon everywhere near you.
10. SANTA IS A WANKER (1964)
Not to be confused with Bad Santa, this puppet-animation movie features Santa as a straight up A-hole. He treats his hard working, Santa-loving elves as inconvenient pains in the rear, and he is condescending and cruel to his reindeers. Check it out.
I can only assume that the writer of this holiday classic was working out some daddy issues, and projecting them onto Santa. I can see it now:
“Father, my dream is to make stop-animation Christmas movies.”
“What? No son of mine is going to play with dolls for a living! And what is that racket?”
“That’s my sister practicing on the piano. She wrote a song for you for Christmas.”
“Well tell her to knock it off while I’m trying to read my newspaper, at least until she’s any good. And tell your mother to hurry with my turkey pot pie!”
I mean, imagine if Judd Nelson’s character from The Breakfast Club grew up to make a Christmas movie where he modeled Santa after his father, and this is pretty much what you’d get. I kept expecting Santa to throw a pack of cigarettes at some kid and say, “Smoke up, Johnny.”
By the way, this film was officially released under the title “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” But I think my title is more fitting.
11. THE SANTA CLAUSE 2 (2002)
Who can thaw out the heart of a stereotypical cold-hearted female high school principal faster than you can say “melting ice caps”? Why, Tim Allen as Santa, of course, the epitome of charm and sensitivity. When Santa discovers that he has to get married or lose his Santa powers, he’s off to woo and wed quicker than a pop star in Vegas. But while he’s away, a robot toy Santa goes all dictator and turns the North Pole into a totalitarian nightmare (in a subplot that is in no way reminiscent of the film “Toys”). There are also guest appearances by the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and other holiday icons. This is a film just full of amazement. Like, it’s amazing a woman could fall in love with Tim Allen and decide to abandon her career and her current life for a man she hardly knows because he gives her the doll she wanted as a child. I mean, I know things can be difficult out there in the dating world, but that’s setting the bar a bit low, don’t you think?
12. QUENTIN TARANTINO PRESENTS “KILL SANTA” (2008)
The tooth fairy (aka Ms. White) is supposed to help her fellow holiday icons to pull an inside job to rob the tooth money bank. But when she walks out on the job to marry a mortal instead, team leader Santa orders the other team members — Beaster Bunny (Aka Mr. Pink), Mother F’n Nature (aka Ms. Yellow), Leprechaun Larry (aka Mr. Green), and the New Years Babe (aka Ms. Tan) — to assassinate the sucrose-sensitive fairy by pelting her with sugar cubes. Fairy miraculously survives, albeit in a sugar coma, and comes back to seek vengeance — with a vengeance. The film is chock full of bloody action, pop cultural nods, and old school celebrities. DVD includes the short film “I Saw Mummy Eat Santa Claus” by Robert Rodriguez.
13. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
In this fine entry into holiday filmdom, Little Billy sees his parents murdered by a thief dressed as Santa, and then is put into an abusive orphanage (because what’s a Christmas movie without orphans?). All growed up, he gets a job at a store where he is asked to dress as Santa. This, and a gratuitous sex scene between coworkers, sets Billy off on a Christmas killing spree of course. If you’re a big fan of the typical ’80’s slasher flicks, and you like Santa Claus, you’ll love this film. Of course, this movie had the misfortune to compete against another 1984 holiday short film called “Last Christmas”. I’m not sure which is more frightening, but “Last Christmas” definitely has better hair. Speaking of better hair, there was also this 1984 Christmas classic. Man, what an amazing year, huh? Could Orwell have been more wrong?
Interesting fact: 1984 must have been a slow year for the morally righteous, because they actually took the time to picket this movie in outrage over turning Christmas into a slasher movie. Or maybe they were mad that the film revealed the closely held secret that nuns can be mean.
14. THE SANTA INCIDENT (PRE-PRODUCTION, 2011)
The fifth Tom Clancy movie featuring CIA analyst Jack Ryan. When Ryan’s daughter writes a letter to Santa and gets a reply, Ryan realizes that there is a code hidden in Santa’s letter — a call for help. He takes the letter to his bosses, but is simply laughed at for believing in Santa Claus. Putting his career on the line, Ryan uses his CIA resources to put together a mission to the North Pole with a crack team of Navy SEALs, supposedly to investigate a potential Russian base. What they find is Santa’s Workshop overrun by terrorists intent on slipping nuclear devices under the Christmas tree of every world leader. Can they stop the terrorists in time to save Christmas … and the world?
15. A HIGHLANDER CHRISTMAS (POST-PRODUCTION, 2009)
There can be only one. So an evil Russian voodoo witch doctor priest goes to the North Pole to take the immortal Santa’s head and his power, and only Duncan MacLeod can stop him. In this holiday reimagining of the cult fantasy classic, we learn that the immortals are not the result of aliens, or “the source,” but they are in fact the children of Santa, who each Christmas gives one woman a special gift that he calls the “ultimate quickening.” In the end, Santa sacrifices himself upon Duncan’s sword so that MacLeod will have the strength to defeat the Russian, and gain the ultimate prize — the ability to hear everyone’s thoughts, and know if they are naughty, or nice.
16. THE BOY WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS (1998)
Your first warning comes in the title sequence, when you see that the production company is named “Cabin Fever Entertainment.” I can only imagine they came up with that name while trying to sit through their own film. I too felt overwhelmed with the feeling of being trapped and suffocated and wishing to tear out my own eyes. But I digress.
This not so touching film features Atnas, Santa’s evil twin. Yes, not since Alucard has there been such a clever character name. Atnas and his minions (imagine MST3K henchman rejects) invade the North Pole by mailing themselves there, and boot Santa out. Their evil plan is to have the world send them gifts, instead of giving gifts to the world. The rest of the film involves an ABC123 plot as clever as the film’s title, about a boy looking for Santa, finding Santa, taking Santa to a sports card shop with a convenient magical portal to the North Pole, and going with Santa back to the North Pole to take it back from Atnas. I don’t want to spoil how it ends.
While the plot is pretty thin, at least you can lose yourself in the majestic scenery of a California suburban neighborhood.
By the way, if you want a decent tale about Santa’s twin, check out “Santa’s Twin” by Dean Koontz. It ain’t Shakespeare, but the pictures are cool.
17. THE DAY AFTER AN INCONVENIENT CHRISTMAS (2006)
Climatologist Dirk Studwell realizes that, with the shifts in global temperatures, Santa’s workshop is in danger of sinking beneath the melting ice of the North Pole. He attempts to warn the U.S. President, but is stonewalled by the vice president, who insists that global warming is a myth (although he ironically avoids questioning the existence of Santa Claus for fear of being slammed by Fox News pundits as being anti-Christmas). So Dirk sets out in his pickup to rescue Santa.
This movie was widely criticized for its alarmist depiction of global warming effects, and the scene in which polar bears, desperate for survival, begin a bloody feeding frenzy on elves. Also, for the fact that you can’t drive to the North Pole. To which the female costar, Paris Hilton, replied, “Well, like, it’s a science fiction Christmas movie. Science fiction has all kinds of weird stuff, like traveling to the third dimension or having ESPN powers, you know? So I think those critics are just being stupid. But it was great to work with everyone on the cast, I learned so much, and I think this is going to be one of the best films about Santa’s workshop sinking or whatever that’s ever been made.”
December 16, 2015
New Scifi Christmas Classics!
Due to cutbacks, the PsyPhy Network’s Holiday Classics Crappy Remake Department and their Scifi Classics Cheesy Remake Department have been merged. Here are some of the resulting projects that are now in various stages of production.
A Charlie Brown War of the Worldsmas
Good grief! Aliens invade the earth, and not even Linus’s nuclear-blue slanket can stop them. Charlie Brown tries to escape his new alien masters, but is caught, and Woodstock is roasted as punishment. Charlie is admonished by Lucy (“Charlie, you bonehead! You’ll get us all killed!”), and then is sent out by his masters to fetch biological samples for preservation.
Charlie wanders the wasteland that is the invasion’s aftermath, where he discovers his old bioengineered smartpet Snoopy decorating a bomb shelter, and mutant children with abnormally large heads try to capture falling ashes on their tongues for the meager nutrients. At last he stumbles across a group of children huddled in a school auditorium where they sing Christmas carols in the hopes that Santa Claus will save them from the aliens. Inspired to teach the aliens the spirit of Christmas, Charlie takes one of the last surviving pine trees back to the mothership. The aliens quickly succumb to Pine Needle Scale (Chionaspis pinifoliae) and all die, whereupon everyone cheers Charlie Brown as a hero.
Original Classics: A Charlie Brown Christmas & War of the Worlds
The Year that Santa Claus Stood Still
Nobody believes in Santa, so Santa refuses to go anywhere on Christmas Eve. Klatu the elf goes into town with his little reindeer, Gortzen, to give humans one last chance to prove themselves worthy of Christmas. When Klatu is shot and Gortzen is captured by local scientists, it is up to Missus Claus to seek the aid of the Heat Miser, Snow Miser, and Mother Earth to convince the nations of the world to unite in a promise of Christmas cheer, or else die beneath the floods of melted polar ice. In the end, children and grownups everywhere are shouting, “We believe in you Santa! Please, for the love of egg nog, we believe in you!”
Original Classics: The Year without a Santa Claus & The Day the Earth Stood Still
Frosty the Snow Blob
Astrophysicist Professor Hinkle is laughed out of a scientific convention when he claims that his crystal Mayan helmet is really an alien communications device. Frustrated, he throws it away. A group of children find it, and put it on a snowman they made. The snowman promptly comes to life, proclaiming, “Happy birthday! Resistance is futile!” Frosty immediately rolls over the children, absorbing them and growing in size faster than a snowball rolling downhill. Soon, the entire town is threatened, as the snowblob picks up everything in its path like a Christmas Katamari Dam-Icy. Only Santa, a saintly alien who had been guarding against the return of the Frostarians, can stop the snowblob. But can even his vaunted powers succeed?
Original Classics: Frosty the Snow Man & The Blob
Rudolph and This Island Earth of Misfit Toys 2
Rudolph is gifted a bizarre Build a Radio kit. After using his nose to power it he receives a message to fly to the mysterious Island of Misfit Toys, where he finds his old pal Hermey the Elf already there. Rudolph and Hermey are beamed onto a saucer sled by the winged lion Exeter and flown to the planet Northpolia, where they learn that the Northpolians are in danger from the evil Toytakerons.
The Northpolians hope to develop a new weapon to defend their planet before it is destroyed entirely – and the mysterious energy source of Rudolph’s nose is their best hope. But the Toytakerons begin a final assault, bombarding the planet with cheap plastic crap from Christmases past. Rudolf and Hermey battle the abominable snowbrain — a hideous creature made of white fur and a giant exposed brain – and then escape back to earth where they support an entire new merchandising line of toys and Christmas ornaments happily ever after.
Although originally scripted for a 90 minute movie, the actual planned film has been shortened to 17 minutes to allow for more commercial breaks.
Original Classics: Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys & This Island Earth
How the Grinch Snatched Bodies
The Grinch, fed up with Whys in Whysville and their constant laughing and singing and playing games during the holidays, sneaks into everyone’s homes and plants grinchpods in their basements. The pods open in the night and send forth creatures that take over the Whys’ sleeping bodies.
Soon, the Grinchified are stripping all personal joy and meaning out of the season, proposing white elephant exchanges of practical household goods even for personal family gatherings, jetting between holiday parties like club hopping celebrities, declaring themselves sick of holiday songs due to mall music inundation, and taking this year to really focus on themselves since they go all out on others every other year. But one Why, Mindy Ly Why, wakes in the night and realizes what is happening, and attempts to stop it. Will she find others who have not been Grinchified and avoid getting caught? Can she succeed in restoring true holiday spirit? Or will she end up as roast beast?
Original Classics: How the Grinch Stole Christmas & Invasion of the Body Snatchers
When Nestor’s Worlds Collide
Nestor the long eared donkey is horrified when his mother (and several national monuments) are smote by falling meteors. He is taken in by a kind pregnant woman, who is a message courier and needs a reliable method of transportation. She delivers messages between three wise scientists and learns that they have spotted a star in the sky – a star that is rapidly getting closer and is destined to consume the earth in fire. They manage to build a spacecraft, an ark of sorts, to carry a select group of humans to the new planet that is orbiting the coming star of doom.
Oh no! The ship is all full, with no seats for the pregnant woman! But wait — the kind-hearted pilot allows the woman and Nestor to stay in the cargo hold with the livestock and supplies. A child is born as the ship lands on the new planet. The child is named Hope, and seen as a symbol of a fresh start – but will she truly be a herald of hope, or will she only help to carry the bigotries, fears, and superstitions of the human race into the new world?
Only the sequel will tell.
Original Classics: Nestor the Long Eared Donkey & When Worlds Collide
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I originally published this on Fantasy Magazine
