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Superman Returns: The Biggest Missed Opportunity In Comic Book Movie History

I understand that the title of this post is quite lofty, but I do want to clarify one big thing regarding this statement before we begin. ‘Biggest Missed Opportunity’ is not the same as ‘Worst.’ In fact, in my own ranking of DC Movies Superman Returns landed right around the middle-of-the-pack. Also, strictly speaking, we’re not just talking about the film itself. Though that’s as good a place to start as any.

I do not hate Superman Returns, in fact I don’t really have any strong feelings about it at all. Which is part of the problem. I’ll actually start things off by discussing a few positives about the film. Brandon Routh & Kevin Spacey were both well-cast as Superman/Clark Kent and Lex Luthor. And, while Routh was a newcomer, and a pleasant surprise, Spacey’s name had been bandied about for Luthor probably dating back the 1994/95 after he scored big-time bad guy credentials with The Usual Suspects and Seven.

The film looks great, and is shot like a post-modernistic Norman Rockwell cityscape. Which works quite well for any Superman property. And there are two scenes I can think of that really captured some of what we want in a Superman movie. The first was the space shuttle rescue, where Superman made his first appearance since disappearing five years ago (in movie continuity). The other is at the start of the third act, when the earthquake triggered by Luthor’s master plan hits Metropolis, and the Man of Steel flies through the city saving lives, and stopping catastrophes.

The unfortunate thing is that there’s not much else in the movie that gets the blood pumping. By 2006 they had all the technology they needed to give Superman a worthy physical adversary. I mean, even the disastrous Superman IV: The Quest For Peace at least tried to show the audience a superfight with the Nuclear Man. The only thing that even remotely qualifies as a fight scene in Superman Returns is when a Kryptonite-weakened Superman get kicked around by Luthor and his generic goon squad.

There were some major story problems as well; some stemming from Bryan Singer wanting to make a direct sequel to Superman II. The Super Amnesia Kiss was pretty indefensible in 1980, and was only made worse 15 (actual) years later when we learned this resulted in the birth of a child. The super son story also never moved the needle for me, in and of itself.

It was very lazy to make Lex Luthor’s grand scheme a simple remix of his scheme from Superman: The Movie. Property Fetishist Lex Luthor is pretty far from the most interesting Luthor you can give us. While we’re talking about character problems, I had a big one with Superman himself.

Leaving Earth unprotected for 5 years to go see the remains of Krypton is not something I could ever imagine Superman doing. Especially since this was, once again, a direct sequel to Superman II, where three other supervillains basically conquered the Earth while Superman was hanging out in his Fortress of Solitude with his girlfriend for a week.

While on the subject of Lois Lane, I should mention that I feel it was a bad call to cast fairly blank slate Kate Bosworth in the role, especially when Kristen Bell had been out there doing a fantastic Lois for a few years already with Veronica Mars. I don’t think Bell would have saved the movie, but I feel she could have at least gotten me invested in the Superman – Lois relationship.

Again, a lot of these problems come from Singer’s irrational desire to make a sequel to a 15 year-old movie. They cast young for Superman and Lois, so why not just make this a full reboot? The smarter move would have been to essentially make Man Of Steel 7 years earlier. I have some issues that that film as well, but I feel like the instincts were right at least. Hell, they even could have used General Zod, so Singer – or whomever else they would have gotten to make the movie – could have paid homage to the old films.

But all of these issues really just resulted in a thoroughly mediocre movie. To understand the reason why I call this the biggest missed opportunity in comic book movie history, we need to look at this film’s place in history itself.

Superman as a franchise was killed in 1987 by the cheaply-made, and altogether terrible Superman IV: The Quest For Peace. Two years later Batman staked his claim as the go-to cash cow of comic book intellectual properties. It had a pair of highly successful, and fairly well-received, sequels in 1992 and 1995. But then Batman & Robin subsequently cratered out superhero movies as a whole in 1997.

One might call 1997 rock bottom for superhero movies, but it actually triggered something significantly more interesting. That something would be a full reevaluation of how to make a superhero movie. This would lead to absolutely huge things a few years later, but it all started pretty small.

In 1998, Blade showed Hollywood how to make comic book characters more appealing to a wider audience. And it did so without having to break the budget bank. It brought a darker, and more adult approach to the material.

In 2000, X-Men took that template, built it out, and gave the people an adaptation that they’d been waiting decades for. It kept the dark tones, and dark wardrobes (for better or worse). But X-Men ironed out the subject matter to bring it down from an R rating to PG-13, which opened the door for these movies to become bonafide blockbusters. I’d be remiss to not mention that Bryan Singer directed this as well, and it no doubt put him on Warner Bros’ radar.

In 2002, Spider-Man literally brightened things up, by not shying away from red and blue spandex. It smashed box office records, and is well-reviewed by critics and audiences across-the-board. This truly was the closest thing we’d ever seen to a comic book brought to live action.

In 2003 and 2004, X2: X-Men United and Spider-Man 2 show sustainability, and improvement over their respectivce predecessors. At this point, more comic book movies start hitting theaters to varying results. But, suffice to say, the revolution had begun in-earnest. I’ll note that Singer was pretty much hired directly off X2, and onto WB’s first Superman project in nearly 20 years.

In 2005, Batman Begins got DC back in the game in a big way. Blade, X-Men, Spider-Man, and even some less stellar outings such as Fantastic Four, and Ang Lee’s Hulk were Marvel properties. WB decided to hold off on jumping back into the fray until they had what they believed to be a home run. This young Batman origin story was incredibly well reviewed, and was also a box office beast. Warner Bros and DC now had a fully blank slate to carve out their new movie legacy.

This brings us to 2006. Superman Returns comes out one year after Batman Begins, and cast a young actor as Superman. This was the golden ticket, the lost city of El Dorado, the chance to set a new course for the future of filmmaking, and a shared universe 3 years before Marvel would even start planting those seeds. The two most recognizable superheroes on the planet could finally share a movie screen together, and break fandom wide open.

Here’s the thing, WB/DC didn’t even have the same obstacles that Marvel Studios did. Warner Media owned the film rights to every single DC character. Unlike Marvel who had sold the film rights for their most popular characters: Spider-Man, the X-Men, and the Fantastic Four.

And with the WB Studio backing them, they didn’t even have to take the same sort of massive financial gamble that Marvel did to bankroll Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk in 2008. They could have easily given us the first ever truly shared cinematic universe filled with some of the most popular characters in pop culture history.

Instead, they made a sequel to a 15 year-old movie, and made no attempt to tie it to any other characters. Not even a wink, or a shout-out. The first time we saw multiple Marvel heroes together on-screen was Iron Man, War Machine, and Black Widow in Iron Man 2 in 2010. But, we could have seen Superman and Batman together on-film before then. And it wouldn’t have been too hard to roll out Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and any other character they so pleased before the Avengers ever assembled in 2012.

This was most likely due to a lack of foresight, or even straight-up creativity, by the suits running WB. But, had a filmmaker come to them with a stronger pitch to start working toward a universe shared by Superman, Batman, and countless other superheroes and supervillains, then maybe he or she could have opened some minds.

2008 brought us The Dark Knight, which is a great movie. But it’s not like we couldn’t have had that, along with a Superman / Batman movie in 2007 or 2009. Don’t get me wrong, I love the MCU. And, regardless of what WB/DC did, I would not want to see Disney and Marvel do anything different with their shared universe. I’m not looking for a replacement, I’m just looking for more of a good thing.

It was 2016 before we ever saw Batman and Superman in a live action movie together. If Superman Returns is my choice for biggest missed opportunity in comic book movie history, Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice is my choice for most disappointing film in comic book movie history.

Warner Bros and DC seem to have found their groove a bit more with recent releases like Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and SHAZAM after a rocky period stemming from the fallout of BvS. I’m personally hoping they can stay the course this time, and finally give us the connected DC movie universe (or multiverse, I suppose) that we’ve been waiting nearly 20 years for. But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop wondering what it could have looked like if they’d taken that big swing when they had their first shot at glory.

The post Superman Returns: The Biggest Missed Opportunity In Comic Book Movie History appeared first on Joe Mikolay.

Go To War For ‘Warrior’

“It’s Deadwood, but with Kung Fu!”
I’d bet dollars-to-donuts that was the elevator pitch for the Cinemax (now HBO Max) series ‘Warrior.’ And, if that’s enough to get you to watch it, then my work here is done. But if you need more reasons, then I’ll do my best to provide them below.
I’ll state this right off-the-bat, I’ll be going into some spoilers, but nothing that should affect your enjoyment of – or investment in – the show.

Here’s the jumping off point: Ah Sahm arrives in 1870’s San Francisco from China. When confronted with some racist dickweeds, he promptly whoops their asses with ease. This puts a damper on his plans to take a job as a “coolie” – a derogatory term for an unskilled laborer – building railroad tracks.

Fortunately for him, Wang Chao pulls him away from the ruckus with a seemingly better deal. Chao is that character you find in these types of stories who knows everyone, plays every side, and always has an exit plan in his back pocket. His exit plan for Ah Sahm, less fortunately for him, involves selling the man to the Hop Wei to serve as a “hatchet man” or enforcer.

The Hop Wei is a Tong, essentially a Chinese crime family, who are currently in the midst of navigating their way around two other Tongs in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Father Jun is the hard-ass head of the family. But his son, Young Jun, takes an immediate liking to Ah Sahm when he finds out just how well he can “Scrap.” Scrapping is fighting and, yes, some of the vernacular of the period gets a bit overplayed (especially another one that I’ll get to shortly). But that’s just a small complaint.

Young Jun is a bit restless, and has a tough time keeping his thoughts about maybe being more fit to run the Hop Wei than his father is to himself. At any rate, he promptly takes Ah Sahm to the local hot spot (i.e brothel) run by Ah Toy. At the brothel is where we learn one more, very colorful term that you’ll hear a lot – “getting sticky.” Considering where they are when you hear this euphemism, you can likely figure out what it means. Ah Sahm bonds pretty quickly with Ah Toy, who has a very cool after-hours hobby of her own that I won’t spoil here. But she earns Ah Sahm’s trust enough to learn the reason why he came to Chinatown: To find his sister.

It doesn’t take long for his to find his sister in the last place he’d expect. She’s (unofficially) running one of the other Tongs: The Long Zii. Mai Ling fled to America years before to escape an arranged marriage to an abusive warlord. A marriage she was forced into to save Ah Sahm’s life, which she is absolutely nurturing a big-time grudge over. But she’s also planning to take down the Hop Wei using group of people who might as well be gangsters: The politicians.

Mai Ling has secret meetings with Walter Buckley, who is running his own schemes alongside the fairly incompetent Mayor Samuel Blake. Blake is married to Penny, in an arrangement not unlike Mai Ling’s. Penny’s formerly wealthy father’s business has been free-falling, so she volunteered to marry the mayor in order to get a city contract to pump back up her father’s financials. The wheelings and dealings of city officials, and broke businessmen bring us back around to cheap labor, and coolies. Which, in-turn, bring us to the truest villains of the story.

The Irish laborers have fallen on hard times, and are not helped by the fact that the Chinese are willing to work for a lot less money. Coupled with the fact that the manufacturers are more-then-willing to pay as little as possible, makes for a lethal combination. There is a level of vicious racism on display here that, up until recent years, we were happy to pretend no longer existed in this country. The silver lining is that we get to watch these guys get kicked in the face pretty regularly by Ah Sahm, and others.

The exception to this is the character meant to singularly represent all this heinous bigotry, and “patriotic” fury: Dylan Leary. Leary is an undefeated bare-knuckles boxer in his spare time, though most of his free time is spent riling up anyone without earshot about the Chinese “parasites” who don’t belong in this country, and are stealing their livelihoods. This line of bullshit probably sounds all-too familiar these days, as people like Leary still exist today, and will never stop sounding the drums of a race war.

Putting the least amount of effort possible into preventing this race war, the city creates a Chinatown Squad that consists of all of five cops. Only two of these cops really matter to the story. The first is Sgt. “Big Bill” O’Hara, who’s seen more than his share of Chinatown vices. Most of which comes from his own gambling addiction that puts him in the crosshairs of the Fung Hai Tong. O’Hara is your classic used-to-be-a-good-cop who will eventually find his way into trying-to-be-a-good-cop-again territory thanks to the other pertinent member of the Chinatown Squad: Officer Richard Lee.

Officer Lee is a transplant from the south, who made his way so far from home for reasons that are addressed near the end of season 1. He’s a good deal more open-minded than pretty much any other white character on the show, besides Penny, which is a bit of a twist considering his geographic origins. He also dabbles in some shockingly modern crime scene investigation techniques. If there was one character besides Ah Sahm who could support their own show, it would probably be Lee.

Ironically, Lee was likely given his name as an homage to the man who wrote the actual original pitch for the show: Bruce Lee. ‘Warrior’ was something he tried to get off the ground back in the early-70’s, but it never happened. I expect this was due to America not being ready for a TV show with a predominantly Asian cast at the time, and Lee’s own tragic, untimely death. But his daughter Shannon Lee is a producer, and she’s brought along the creative team from another Cinemax show that featured weekly ass-beatings: ‘Banshee’

Which bring us full circle back to the Kung Fu. If that long list of characters and their relationships to one another seems a bit dense, fear not, it’s all dished out in easily digestible segments between awesome scrapping, and getting sticky. The fight choreography is as good, if not better, than anything I’ve ever seen on TV, and they give you two or three of these fight scenes every episode. I mentioned Deadwood earlier, but the way the characters speak to one another is more akin to the lighter, snappier dialogue of Justified (itself a modern western).

The title of this blog post is Going to War For ‘Warrior.’ But really, the war in this case is just to sit back, fire up your HBO Max, and plow through the first two seasons that you find there. It was recently re-located from Cinemax, and not yet renewed for a third season. I expect they’re waiting to see how many eyeballs they can get on the show before decided whether or not to renew.

So do yourself a favor, and get your eyeballs on one of the most purely entertaining TV shows that I’ve watched in years.

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Ranking The Films Of The DC Multiverse

Since Warner Bros and DC have decided to officially open up the multiverse, I figured now was as good a time as any to list my personal ranking.

This list is primarily based on how much I enjoy each film. Some I’ve seen more recently than others, but I’ve seen every one more than once, so I feel like I’ve got a pretty solid base to work with.

The qualifying criteria to make the list is that it needs to be live action, and a film. Believe me, I know very well that there are a number of awesome animated shows and movies, but this list would be insanely long and complicated if I’d included them.

I debated whether or not to include the Watchmen HBO miniseries, but it is technically a TV show, so I opted not to. The list does, however, include the Watchmen movie from 2009 that brought us (is to blame for?) the Snyderverse vision of the DCEU.

The Dark Knight – Some choices are obvious ones, even if we’d like to shake things up a little bit. But this is best live action versions of Batman, and the Joker, and is directed by Chris Nolan at the top of his game. I do knock it a bit for the somewhat rushed, and abbreviated, Two-Face origin and resolution. But that’s not quite enough to knock it out of the #1 spot.

Batman (1989) – This one came out when I was 10 years-old and, to this day, I can still quote it nearly verbatim. My mom took me to see the movie, and we waited in-line for hours while showing after showing sold out. Then, in a ballin’ mom moment, she decided to let me stay up for a midnight show. That left a huge impression on me, and so did this movie. It’s iconic in many ways, and so it finds itself at #2 with a bullet.

SHAZAM! – This one being ranked so high frankly shocked even me. But I’ve seen it a few times, so the rewatchability factor is strong, and I’ve even shown it to my 5 year-old son. I just really love its Gremlins/Goonies sort-of-horror vibe. The fact that it is clearly based in a world where our favorite superheroes exist, and the characters respond to those heroes exactly like you’d imagine people would, makes me feel pretty good about placing it this high.

Batman Begins – A true turning point in the superhero movie genre. Coming out in 2005, it took what worked in the Tim Burton films, as well as in more recent comic flicks like Blade and X-Men, and took things to the next level. A much needed course correction after Batman Forever and Batman & Robin sent the Bat franchise flying off the rails.

Wonder Woman – Just a super-solid film, top-to-bottom (barring a slightly miscalculated CGI smackdown in the climax). But everything about the movie worked: From its characterizations, to its humor, and its heart. The No Man’s Land reveal and scene, leading directly into the liberation of the small village is one of the most rousing 15 minutes you’ll ever see in a superhero film. I’m not sure you’ll ever see a more perfectly cast Wonder Woman than Gal Gadot.

Batman Returns – I like Christmas, and find carnivals slightly unnerving, so this was right up my alley. Definitely had more Tim Burton DNA than the 1989 movie, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Still a highly watchable film.

Aquaman – I never had much interest in the guy who can talk to fish, but this movie turned me around almost entirely by itself. By tapping into the Arthurian Legend side of Aquaman’s story, it was able to transform the underwater world into an eye-popping extravaganza. A charismatic lead performance by Jason Momoa also helped get me onboard for the ride.

Man Of Steel – This one took a bit of a pounding in the years after its release for the mass destruction of Metropolis, but I don’t think the casualty rate was intentional when it was being made. I did re-watch it recently and, while I still don’t care at all for Kevin Costner and Zack Snyder’s characterization of Jonathan Kent, there is still a lot I like. Henry Cavill is a fine Superman, Amy Adam is always reliable, and I somehow forgot that Russell Crowe was in this movie. But the superfights, for all their (presumably) unintended consequences, were the sort I’d wanted to see ever since I first saw our next entry.

Superman II – Lots of problem with this one, especially with an uneven tone that likely was spawned by passing through several different screenplays, and directors. But Christopher Reeve will always epitomize the big screen Superman in a way that no one else can. Terence Stamp is a lot of fun, and don’t think “Kneel before Zod” hasn’t been kicking around in my lexicon for 35 years. But there was another great line that sometimes doesn’t get its due for boiling down the greatness of the Man of Steel into one question “General, would you care to step outside?”

The Dark Knight Rises – I think this one suffered greatly from the loss of Heath Ledger, as having the Joker play a sort of Hannibal Lector monster-in-a-glass-cage role would have been a real treat. Some of the twists seem obvious and unneeded, and the natural upping of the sequel’s scale got a little unwieldy. But Tom Hardy is legitimately frightening as Bane, Anne Hathaway is a decent Catwoman, and Christian Bale nails it one last time as Bruce Wayne/Batman.

Superman: The Movie – Yes, this is the one that started it all, but it doesn’t really hold up all that well to a modern eye. The pacing is a bit too methodical once you’ve seen literally dozens of these films razzle and dazzle you from start-to-finish in the proceeding years. Lex Luthor & company are too jokey for my taste, Lois Lane’s “Can you read my mind” inner monologue/poem is hokey as hell, and Superman spinning the world backwards will never not get an eye-roll from me. Still, I’ve got to respect what it was able to do by kicking door open for all the comic book adaptations that would later come.

Superman Returns – I could (and likely will) write a whole separate blog about how this was the single biggest missed opportunity in the history of comic book films. But, for now, I’ll just focus on why it appears in this spot on my list. There are things I like: The costume looks great, Brandon Routh is a good Man of Steel, and Kevin Spacey delivers as Lex Luthor (and that’s all I’ll say about Spacey at this time), and its overall vibe feels about right. But its devotion to the first two Superman films from another era is a problem. I mean, one of the main plotlines stems from Superman II’s bizarre, and morally-disturbing-in-hindsight Super Amnesia Kiss. Also, the fact they chose not to have Superman face off with a physical threat in 2006 – when they had the technology to make it work- was a really questionable choice.

Wonder Woman 1984 – I feel like history will be kinder to WW84 than the immediate backlash was. Kristen Wiig is fine as the friend-turned-super-enemy, and Pedro Pascal is clearly having a ball. But they probably should have chosen one villain or the other, rather than trying to cram them both into a single film. Still, unlike the movies lower on the list, I wouldn’t really call WW84 a bad film. Though, it certainly could have been better.

Justice League – This felt like a 2 or 3 episode arc of the animated Justice League cartoon. And I say that as both a compliment, and a complaint. It was as quick, and to-the-point as the animated series, which would have worked just fine it if wasn’t also was chopped-up, reshot, undercooked, and overbaked. But I’d be lying if I said that Superman showing up just in the nick of time (weird CGI’d upper lip and all) and throwing a full-on beatdown on the heretofore unbeatable big bad Steppenwolf, doesn’t still make me smile.

Birds Of Prey – I was glad that Margot Robbie had a chance to do a little more justice to Harley Quinn than she was given in Suicide Squad. But the other protagonists of Black Canary and Huntress simply didn’t make any impression on me. Maybe, if they’d had them in cooler, more comics-accurate costumes, it would have been a bit more striking. Who knows? Maybe their lack of screen time together would have been a deal-breaker regardless. But Ewan McGregor and Chris Messina are fascinatingly unsettling, and that keeps this movie ranked about the bottom tier.

Joker – A very mediocre movie buoyed by a great lead performance by Joaquin Phoenix. I don’t have a lot more to say about this movie as-a-whole since, like I said, I felt everything other than the lead role was pretty “meh”. I will say that, when Phoenix finally dons the make-up, and blasts the punchline into Robert DeNiro’s face, I had to nod in-approval. Too bad they waited until the last 15 minutes of the movie to actually get to the “Joker” part.

Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice – I wanted to love this movie from the time I saw the first teaser trailer, all the way up until the final frame. But it failed on virtually every level. If they had re-written the Bruce Wayne part to be Lex Luthor, and completely dropped the Riddler-esque version of Luthor Jesse Eisenberg deposited on-screen, this movie may well have been near the top of my list. But grim-and-gritty doesn’t work for Superman, and we really didn’t need to get to Doomsday so quickly. The fact that Snyder felt the need to kill Superman three different times in this movie probably tells you all you need to know about how he feels about the character. Batman simply drops too many bodies to ignore, though the warehouse fight may have been the best Batman fight captured on film. Wonder Woman was a nice surprise, but not nearly enough to save BvS from itself.

Batman Forever – Sort of caught between the goth world of Batman Returns and the pinball machine aesthetic of Batman & Robin, this one had a few redeeming qualities. Val Kilmer is pretty decent as both Bruce Wayne and Batman, for example. The movie is amusing enough to sit through without being aggressively terrible. But Tommy Lee Jones plays Two-Face completely wrong. He really shouldn’t have tried to out Jim Carrey Jim Carrey (who is, somehow, more nuanced in his role as The Riddler than Jones is). I normally like Chris O’Donnell, but they really should have gone for a younger Dick Grayson/Robin.

Watchmen – The movie looks great, so I can understand why WB liked Snyder enough to usher in their next wave of movies. But, thematically, he’s much too comfortable with Objectivism and mankind’s moral failings to be the right man for bring DC’s most prominently hope-inspiring characters to life. But, those leanings worked well for Watchmen. I almost had this one higher on my list due to a handful of scenes and moments that were really cool. But, ultimately, they never should have tried to adapt this with anything less than 10 hours or so to work with.

Movie poster, Superman III, 1983. 1987.0213.032.

Superman III – Weirdly, this was the closest they’ve ever come to unleashing a live action Brainiac. If they ever get around to making a proper Man Of Steel sequel, he needs to be at the top of their villain list. The movie is just not good, and there’s not a whole lot to say about it. The one cool Evil Superman vs Clark Kent junkyard fight that may-or-may-not have been a delusion brought on by a Kryptonite-induced psychotic break is really the only thing keeping this ranked above the bottom-feeders below.

Batman: The Movie (1966) – I mean, they clearly made exactly what they wanted to make here. It just so happens that it doesn’t work for me at all. This silly movie, and the silly show that followed, are the reason why no one tried to make a remotely serious superhero movie until 1978. But, again, they did all that on-purpose. Which is the only thing that separates Batman: The movie from the remaining films on the list.

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace – My dad took my to see this on when I was 8 years-old, and I’m pretty sure the Nuclear Man scratching Superman’s neck with his radioactive fingernail thus somehow transforming the Man of Steel into a cardigan-wearing elderly man made me cry. But, anyone older than 8 years-old, can see just how cheaply this was made. And just how minimal the effort was to throw the character’s name on a poster, and try to cash in. It’s pretty much unwatchable.

Batman & Robin – The movie that killed Batman movies for almost a decade. I suppose this gaudy piece of eyeball puke was the rock bottom that superhero movies needed in order to reset. So, in that respect, I suppose we owe it a weird debt of gratitude. Just not enough of a debt to ever sit through it again.

Suicide Squad – Just a complete mess, pure and simple. Like Justice League, this one was all chopped up, and then Frankensteined back together two or three times, and it shows. The difference is that Justice League at least had iconic characters that I wanted to see on-screen. Suicide Squad did not, to say the least. Characters are introduced multiple times, and extremely lazy song needle drops pervade the entire first act. The story itself makes zero sense starting right from Viola Davis’ (as Amanda Waller) question “What if Superman had decided to grab the President of the United States right out of the Oval Office? Who would’ve stopped him?” The answer is the same as my answer regarding who I want to watch a movie about: “Absolutely not any of these guys.”

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Archangel’s Descent

NOW

I

Another dark night. Another abandonedwarehouse. Another crew of drug dealers who need to be dealt with. In some waysit’s like a recurring nightmare, or an infinite loop that I’m caught in.

Sometimes I wish I could break free, move onto another city, another country, another world. Someplace where I can leavethe weight of Stonebridge City far behind, no longer hoisting it up on myshoulders until it feels like my spine is compressing. Crushing each vertebrainto powder until only dust remains beneath my flesh.

But Stonebridge City is my city. That was a decision I made long ago. My carrying of thiscity is the only thing that keeps it from falling into the abyss, and crashingat the bottom of the fathomless pit below.

That is why I find myself once againspeeding through the void of this never-ending night on a motorcycle custom-builtfor silence and stealth.

Some believe me to be a ghost cloaked inblackness, invisible as it rides amongst the other shadows. But those whocontemplate me with fear do so with good reason. The criminal element willalways fear the unknown, since those who feed on the fear of others are theones more likely to be devoured by their own.

And so, they anticipate that whomever, orwhatever, lurks in the ether hunts them with the same ruthless intentions thatdrive their own actions. I may be out here seeking the worst of humanity, butmy reason for being out here is not these dregs.

It is the others that I am out here for. Thevictims. The innocents. The people trying their best to find a glimmer of hopeand kindness in an otherwise cruel and hopeless world.

They don’t see me as a ghost, but as aguardian angel. A warrior who is willing to fight an unending war to keep themsafe, because he is the only one who can. That’s why those people long agonamed me Archangel.

But, if these people knew exactly why I wason this pier going to this warehouse tonight, they might call me by a differentname.

“Mr. Angel,” I’m greeted by Chaz as I enterthe warehouse. The shaking in his voice is already prevalent, though he’strying to hide it. “We weren’t expecting you tonight.”

“I can tell,” I say to him, looking past hisshoulder and into the office where I see who I’m looking for.

Chaz is trying to get a read on myexpression, which isn’t easy to do since only my mouth and chin are exposedfrom beneath the helmet. He’s trying to look into my eyes just as hard as he’strying not to. But the lenses are white-tinted, so he can’t see anything otherthan his own fearful reflection in them – which is exactly the point of theirdesign.

“What I mean is…we can explain,” Chazcontinued, now clearly rattled.

“We?” I ask, still looking through thewindow to the office.

“Well,” he backtracks, “Donnie can explain.”

“Good,” I tilt my head away from thechildren in the office, and at Chaz. “Because he’s going to have to.”

There are eight kids in all. The oldestamong them is no more than twelve years old, the youngest looks to be nine orten. Some are trying to make their best grown-upposes as they speak, no doubt emulating the dealers who recruited them. Whatthey’re actually discussing is not important, so I don’t bother enhancing thevolume in my earpieces.

The younger ones aren’t even trying toposture. They just look confused, and nervous about what they may be asked todo once they’re trained to run the products, and the cash drops from corner tocorner. Two of them are even wearing sweaters with a picture of some cartoondogs from a kids’ show.

They went from watching cartoons thismorning to being coerced into the drug trade this evening. I’ll bet theirparents think each of them are playing at a different one’s house right now.Pretend adventurers, real life drug couriers.

I take a moment to compose myself beforeaddressing Chaz again.

“Where’s Donnie?” I ask.

“Out on the dock, Mr. Angel, sir,” hequickly replies.

“Is he alone?” I continue.

“No, sir. He’s got five or six of the boyswith them.”

“Packing?”

“Automatics.”

I offer no more than a grunt, before runningmy thumb over the handle of one of the throwing knives in the crisscrossingbandoliers strapped across my chest. I then nod towards the table at the centerof the room that’s littered with narcotics, and high stacks of money.

“Give each of those kids a brick of cash,and send them home,” I tell Chaz. “And make sure they know that, if they ifthey end up on the street slingin’ this shit, they’re going to have to dealwith me. You got all that?”

“Yes sir, Mr. Angel, sir!” he blurts.

“When they’re gone, come and meet us on thedock.”

He scrambles over to the table, and startsgathering up cash in his arms. I walk past him, through the length of thewarehouse, and emerge at the docks on the other side.

I can see the lights of the city across theriver sparkling through the clear night sky. The skyline is beautiful fromafar, but its murky reflection in the inky black water of the river presents amore accurate likeness of Stonebridge City’s true self: Superficially beautifuland outwardly thriving, but with a dark, beating heart beneath the black mirrorsurface.

Still, that’s a damn sight better than itwas before I returned.

Chaz’ count was right, Donnie is standing atthe center of five of his most trusted soldiers. Each one has a machine gunstrapped across his chest except for the man himself. He invested in achrome-plated .357 revolver to serve as a badge flaunting his rank.

Of course, you can only see the pearl handlegrip, and the shining hammer sticking up from the front of his jeans. I shouldhave known better than to place a man who wears his authority so poorly in aposition of power.

Whatever happens here in the next threeminutes tonight is on my shoulders. But why should this be any different thananything else in this city?

“Mr. Angel,” Donnie greets me with aself-satisfied smile. “What brings you here tonight?”

“I heard a rumor about you involving some kids,that couldn’t possibly be true. Not after the last conversation we had on thetopic,” I reply.  “There’s no way Donnie could be that stupid, I thought. That careless. But then I dropped by tocheck it out anyway, and imagine my surprise.”

I finally stop walking towards the groupwhen I’m no more than two feet away from the nearest gunman. It doesn’t takemore than a shift in my posture for the lackeys to all clear out the spacebetween myself and Donnie.

“To say nothing of the new gear for yourboys,” I make a show of looking at each machine gun. “I thought you understoodthe rules, Donnie. My rules.”

“Of course I understand the rules, Mr. A,”he offers casually, I offer a frown in-response, and he changes his tone “Mr.Angel, I mean. But we were starting to catch some serious heat. Riley’s got thepigs all tuned up, and looking to rock.”

“If the police are closing in on you, thenyou simply need to be smarter,” I state.

“That why I brought in the youth movement,”he says, as if he feels that was the obvious answer. “The kids transport the merchandise,and the cash, from our buyers and clients. If they get caught, no one does anytime other than in juvie, and my crew stays intact.”

“Yes, I know how it works,” I say with asmile that blocks my snarl. “That’s beside the point. The point is that this ismy city. We’re in agreement aboutthat, aren’t we?” Donnie nods. “Good. And in my city you follow myrules. Is that equally as clear?”

“Mr. A…” the crew can see my jaw musclestighten, causing them each to take another step back. “Mr. Angel…”

Without another word I move in closer tohim. He doesn’t flinch, which is a bad sign for how I was hoping this would playout.

“I’m trying to make you some money here,” hedisputes, his fingers almost subconsciously moving towards the handle of hispistol. “I’m trying to make us all some money!”

“I runthe entire drug trade in this city. You workfor the man who runs the entire drug trade in this city. Do you think we’rehurting for money?” I growl.

“Man, there’s always more money to make,” Donnieargues.

“We make as much money as my rules allow usto,” I tell him.

“And what about my boys getting busted?” heasks, his fingers twitching around his waistband.

“If you, or your boys, are incapable ofdoing this job the right way, then you need to find another line of work,” Iexplain.

He starts to talk again before I cut himoff: “But you don’t need to worry about getting arrested anymore, Donnie. See,I gave you a choice last time you tried to bring kids into my business. Leavetown, or follow my rules. You chose the latter, and I gave you a second chance.I don’t do third chances.”

“You sayin’ there’s no choice this time?” Donniesays with as much swagger as he can muster.

“There’s always a choice,” I correct him.“But there are different options this time. Option one: You walk down to thenearest precinct, turn yourself in, offer a full confession, and do your time.”

“What’s option two?” he asks, now openingand closing his hand over the .357.

“You don’t want to choose option two,” Itell him straight.

“I ain’t going back to jail, Mr. A,” hesays, making a show of not correcting himself this time.

“This isn’t a negotiation, Donnie,” I offerhim one last out. “Take the walk, do the time. It’s the only time you’re goingto get tonight.”

His breathing has picked up, and his eyesare bulging slightly. He’s scared, but still thinks he has a chance. I wish hewas smarter than this, but I’m not surprised that he isn’t.

The throwing knife is out of my hand beforehe even fully pulls the cannon out of his waistband. I spin it with enoughvelocity to punch deep through his eye socket, and into his brain.

He’s falling backwards even as he fires hisround so far off the mark that I don’t even need to shift my stance to avoidit.

I take note of the gunmen on either side ofme. None of them have moved, so I guess they’re all wiser than Donnie. From thecorner of my eye I see Chaz standing next to the last goon in line.

“Guns on the ground,” I say, without moving.

Each man in-turn lifts the strap over hishead, and places the heavy artillery on the ground.

“Chaz,” I say, turning towards him. “Whatare my rules?”

“No victims, no violence,” he recitesautomatically.

“And using children as couriers?” I ask.

“Makes them victims,” Chaz says.

“And carrying machine guns?”

“Invites violence, and risks creating morevictims.”

“Congratulations, Chaz,” I say, walkingcloser to him. “You’re now the boss of this crew.”

“Thank you Mr. Angel, I promise I won’t letyou down!”

“Gentlemen,” I say to the rest of the crew asI walk over to Donnie’s body.

The back of his head is lifted off thepavement as I pull at the knife blade. Once the blade is fully removed, hishead drops again with a thud. I make a show of wiping the blood off the blade,and onto Donnie’s clothes, making sure the others notice.

 “Takecare of this,” I nod towards Donnie’sbody, and then gesture for Chaz to follow me back towards the warehouse as theothers move in on Donnie. “Donnie’s only family was his mother, right?”

“Yes, sir,” he says. “She’s an invalid,can’t really support herself.”

“Bring her half of Donnie’s share everymonth,” I tell him. “Keep the other half for yourself. Consider it a raise togo along with your promotion.”

“That’s too generous, sir,” Chaz says.

“That’s just business,” I reply, as mystealth cycle is now in-sight.

“Mr. Angel, what do I tell Donnie’s mom ifshe asks about him?”

“Tell her the truth,” I say, mounting thebike. “The heat got to him, so he had to go. Anything else?”

“No, sir. I can take it from here.”

“Good. Once Donnie is recycled, tell thecrew to take the rest of the night off.”

With that, I ride silently back into thecity, for it cannot survive without its dark, beating heart.

Besides, I’ve still got a busy night aheadof me.

FIVEYEARS AGO

I

Off to apretty damn good start, if I may say so myself.

Goodthing too, I’d hate to think I’d wasted half my life training for this, only toblow it right out of the gate. Thus far, that has not been a problem.

Aftergetting back to Stonebridge City a few weeks ago, I was able to find my wayback to that decommissioned subway station I’d stumbled upon before I’d left.

Jesus,was that really a dozen years ago? I can’t tell if it feels like a lot more, ora lot less. I suppose it really feels more like returning to a world that I’dleft that now feels both alien, and familiar.

Familiarin that everything is the same as when I left. Every street turns into the samecorner, and every person moves with the same casual cautiousness that comeswith knowing you’re not exactly safe but believing that – since you understandthe fear – you can protect yourself from the looming danger.

Yet it’salien in that I feel like I’m viewing this city with different eyes. All thattime I spent with South American paramilitary groups, bleeding edge weaponsdesigners in Europe, and that ninja clan in Japan provided me with new filtersthrough which to see the world.

Lookingout at Stonebridge City now, I can see dangerous situations unfurl before theyeven begin. I can tell the difference between the predators and the prey justby the way they carry themselves. I understand what movements are coming, andwhich counter-moves I’ll need to make in order to resolve the situation beforethe first strike is even attempted.

Although,that last belief needed to be tested before I would truly buy-in. I got myfirst opportunity on Saturday night. It was as good a night as any, since peoplewere out and about late at night, while the wolves in the shadows waited forthe calves to wander from the herd.

I movedwith the flow of humanity from rooftop- to-rooftop. The architecture in thiscity was constructed with many building in such close proximity so they couldsqueeze every last drop of real estate from it. As such, a simple leap isusually enough to cover the space between roofs over a majority of downtown,and midtown.

I foundmore uses for the grapnel hook gun when I got uptown. Small enough to fit in aholster on my right thigh, but loaded with a tightly coiled, high tension wirethat could carry more than twice my weight if the need should arise.

Thefiring mechanism is designed to be silent, but can easily launch the hookacross the width of any of Stonebridge’s main avenues, and embed itself into abrick building on the other side.

Admittedly,I was nervous to try it in the field for the first time, but I knew I had to beable to trust my gear as much as I trust my own skills if I’m going to survivein this life long enough to make a difference.

Thatbeing said, it was still exhilarating to swing across those canyons of thecity. I imagine the sensation I felt was much the same as a Post-Human feelswhen first taking flight.

But Iquickly moved past that thrill, because I didn’t come back here seekingthrills. I came back here to help people, and to bring justice to those who’veescaped it. I came back here to save lives. To save this city.

The darkstreets below, lightly traversed, made this feel like the place to start. Ialways remembered hearing horror stories about the careless souls who wandereduptown, walked down the wrong street, and were devoured by the night.

So, Iknelt on the ledge, switched the lenses in my helmet to night vision, andadjusted the levels in my earpieces to minimize ambient noise and maximizehuman voices.

I pickup bits and pieces from conversations happening on the top four floors of thebuilding. Couples arguing about bills, and drunks blabbering about how theworld screwed them over are the loudest, and the first that I hear.

I alsohear the laughter between friends or family members enjoying the eveningtogether. They’re sharing stories, and memories, and stories that they try topass off as memories since the truth has been lost to the past.

But thisis not what I’m listening for tonight. I adjust the balance levels further withthe touchpad controls under the gauntlet on my left forearm.

There’sa different quality, a different vibration that comes from a voice echoing offthe walls of the alleys below. These are what I’m listening for. The people inthe labyrinth below who are unexpectedly nearing the Minotaur in the center ofit.

“Leaveher alone!” echoes from below.

“Naw,we’re gonna show her what it’s like to have real men givin’ it to her.”

I canhear the impact of the butt of a pistol cracked on the back of a head. And thena woman’s screams.

I’macross the rooftop, and making a few quick configuration changes to my grapnelgun in a heartbeat. I hook it onto the inside of the ledge, click it into placeon the harness at my belt buckle, and then rappel down the side of thebuilding.

Thedescent feels like a freefall, but I never lose control of it. The twoattackers are standing over another man, who’s curled up in a fetal position.The girl is trapped with a ten-foot-high fence behind her, and two thugs standingbetween her and the entrance to the alley.

I touchdown on the ground silently, and release the harness. The men haven’t seen meyet, but the girl has. She looks past them, between them, and views me with amixture of uncertainty, hope, and fear.

“That’salright, mama,” one of the men says leeringly. “You don’t have to look at us,as long as you feel us.”

“Feelthis,” I say, now within arm’s reach of them.

“Who thef…” the one with the gun turns toward me enough for me to grab, and twist hiswrist; wrenching the pistol from his grip.

Whilehis mouth is still open in mid-scream, I crack him across the cheekbone with apistol whip. He drops to his knees from that blow, giving me room to swing aforward roundhouse kick over his head, blasting his partner’s nose into five pieceswith it.

Both arebleeding on the ground, but not yet unconscious. That’s easily corrected with apair of quick elbows into the base of their skulls. I break out a pair ofzip-ties from a pouch on my left thigh, and bind their hands behind theirbacks.

Thegirl’s kneeling beside the beaten man and asking him if he’s alright, while Ifasten myself once again to the grapnel gun.

“Who areyou?” she asks me from the ground. “Are you one of them? A superhero?”

“I’m just someone who wants to help. Call 9-1-1 and find a safe place nearby to wait for the police to arrive,” I say, before triggering the recoil, and ascending back to the rooftop.

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The Mage: Book Three Of The Venator Series – Chapter One

Malcolm Woods was not used to working cases out in the field these days. He was a couple of birthdays past his sixtieth, and he knew very well that he was better suited to providing and modifying equipment for Venatores closer to their prime than he was. The problem, in this case, was that there was simply no one else available to take it on.

The life of a Venator had never been one that favored longevity, but the past year had been brutal even by typical standards. So much so, that Malcolm had begun to wonder if the current generation had simply been under-trained by his own due to a lack of Venatores living long enough to effectively prepare replacements.

If Malcolm was ill-suited for fighting monsters, then his partner on this case was essentially little more than bait on a stick.

Twenty years ago, Lawrence Kalvert was a wunderkind who cracked the best way to falsify records and supply Venatores with a nearly unlimited inventory of phony credit cards and identification credentials. While Malcolm had been out on the hunt for half his life, Lawrence had never personally encountered a supernatural entity in all of his forty-seven years.

Lawrence could barely fire a gun, and his blade skills were even worse. In some ways, Malcolm felt that he’d have been better off on this mission alone. But he understood the problematic mathematics of his current limitations: Slowed reflexes plus arthritic joints equaled a lousy combination for survival.

“This is nuts,” Lawrence exclaimed, as they loaded up on weapons from the trunk of the car. “Until tonight, the most dangerous thing I’ve done is hacking into bank systems. Now I’m out here in the freezing fricking cold looking to hack away at some monster that we don’t even have a clue about the nature of.”

“You and I may be a has-been and a never-was, but we’re all these folks have got,” Malcolm replied as he pulled on his wool cap and brushed some snowflakes out of his salt and pepper goatee (which was mostly salt these days).

“Listen, I know what the job description is,” Lawrence said as he pulled on his gloves, pushed his glasses back up the narrow bridge of his nose, loaded up his shotgun and slammed the trunk. “But no one’s gotten hurt here. So maybe this can wait until someone better suited becomes available.”

“We can’t just wait for bodies to start dropping,” answered Malcolm, as he placed a crucifix and a small copy of The Rites of Exorcism into the pockets of his wool coat. “And besides, from what it sounds like, this is about the safest case you’ll ever go on.”

“Safe is a relative term in this life,” Lawrence stated, as he pulled on his own heavy knit cap.

“You’ll get no argument from me about that,” Malcolm agreed, as he started trudging through the snow toward the barn.

“How safe can it really be when we don’t even know what we’re hunting?” asked Lawrence, as he stumbled along in the footprints that his partner left behind him.

“The folks who live here reported strange lights and banging noises from the barn, which suggests a poltergeist,” Malcolm started. “Mrs. Hardeston also said that she saw her deceased husband wandering through the woods over there,” he pointed to the forested area two hundred yards from the barn.

“Which suggests zombies, I get it,” Lawrence jumped in. “But what about the scratching from under the floorboards at the house? And don’t tell me that’s the zombie, because Gene Hardeston was buried at the cemetery five miles west of here. No way he burrowed his way from there to here like Bugs Bunny heading toward Albuquerque.”

“The scratching could still just be the poltergeist. So could the presumed zombie for that matter. Spirits sometimes take the form of what’s weighing heavily on a witness’s mind.” Malcolm swung open the barn door to the moldy smell of damp hay that had been sitting out for too long. “And Bugs Bunny was never heading to Albuquerque, he just also took a wrong turn there on the way to…somewhere else.”

Some moonlight permeated from between the boards of the barn, but not nearly enough to get a read on the space. Malcolm and Lawrence took out their flashlights, and made a sweep. The bales of hay were mostly stacked on the second level, while the thresher – along with other machines and tools – was on the ground floor.

Confident that they were alone in the barn, Malcolm knelt on the ground and laid out a large red candle surrounded by a number of smaller white candles. He lit each candle in turn, and took his small book out of his pocket.

“Where the hell was Bugs Bunny heading to anyway?” Lawrence asked, needing to vent his shaking nerves through chit-chat.

“Damned if I know,” Malcolm replied, and began reading aloud from his book, “Restless spirits. We of the living world command you to reveal yourselves in the name of God.”

As he read on, the candles began to flicker.

“In the name of God, we command thee!”

When his voice grew louder, the walls began to rattle. Lightly at first, but soon more violently, filling the air with dust and debris.

Lawrence had loaded his shotgun with rock salt shells to deflect any attacks from a manifested spirit. He walked in circles around Malcolm and the ring of burning candles searching for a target.

“Sounds like someone’s awake,” Lawrence muttered to himself through chattering teeth.

“In the name of God, we command thee to reveal thyself!” Malcolm ordered.

Loose particles of the hay now rained down on the pair of Venatores, but there was no sign of the haunting spirit.

“Reveal…” Malcolm yelled, but stopped when he heard a loud moan come from behind him.

He turned and saw the undead corpse of Gene Hardeston snarling as he entered the barn flanked by four others. They were all dressed in dirt-caked formal wear, and appeared to be in advanced states of decay, with deteriorating flesh on their faces and milky white eyes.

Lawrence panicked and fired a rock-salt round at Hardeston’s face. It did not pop the skull as it would have with typical rounds, but blasted off the loose flesh around his right eye and cheek. The right eye itself burst and began leaking thick fluid. The zombie faltered slightly but, setting his now skull-faced gaze on the Venatores, regained his footing as he continued toward them.

“None of them are freshly turned,” Malcolm stated, as he rose and snapped his custom-made, pearl handled hatchet loose from his belt. “They’re already falling apart. Should be easy ones.”

Malcolm had to get close to use his hatchet, close enough to see the bottomless hunger in Hardeston’s dead-but-seeing left eye. A single swing of the weapon took off a sizable piece of the creature’s skull and brain, causing it to fall limply to the ground.

The other four converged on Malcolm, clawing and growling at him. The seasoned Venator kicked another zombie in the knee, causing its rotted leg to snap in-half. Once it was on the ground, one good stomp was enough to splatter its brains across the dirt floor of the barn.

In his rush to help, Lawrence laid his shotgun on the ground, drew out his pistol and fired at the ghouls.

The first bullet missed wide, ironically hitting the broad side of the barn, and the second was fired when he was a mere two feet away from Malcolm.

The re-animated corpse who took the bullet to the temple hit the ground, but Malcolm grasped at his left ear, which was ringing from the gunshot.

“Shit, I’m sorry man!” Lawrence shouted.

“Don’t apologize,” Malcolm shouted as he chopped a decaying hand off at the wrist that grabbed at his shirt. “Just get that last one.”

“But there’s two…” Lawrence began, just as Malcolm slammed his hatchet into the top of the now one-handed zombie.

“Right,” Lawrence said, and fired another round point blank into the temple of the last of the undead.

Lawrence holstered his weapon, and went to check on his partner. “Are you alright?”

“Ringing will stop in a couple hours,” Malcolm looked at the palm that was pressed against his ear with relief as he saw no blood, and knew that he hadn’t ruptured his eardrum.

“Guess it was zombies after all,” Lawrence remarked.

“Zombies don’t make walls rattle,” Malcolm replied, just in time for a pitchfork to fly across the barn and pierce through the back of his thigh.

Malcolm dropped to the floor with a cry of pain.

“Shit!” Lawrence shouted. He spotted his shotgun halfway across the barn.

He ran for it, but a rubber mallet came spinning through the air and hammered him between the shoulder blades. He rolled forward as he hit the cold, hard ground.  Seeing that the shotgun was within reach, he started crawling toward it when he heard the thresher turn on.

The vehicle with the spinning blades pulled away from the wall, and headed directly toward Malcolm. He yanked the pitchfork out of his leg, but couldn’t hear the thresher through the ringing in his head. When he saw Lawrence gesturing wildly toward the area behind him, Malcolm rolled onto his back and saw that the death machine was nearly upon him.

He pulled his legs away just in time to avoid having them sliced off at the ankles. In the same movement, he pulled a pistol loose from the back of his belt and fired several rounds into the engine of the thresher, stopping it dead with a plume of smoke that rose from it like a departing soul.

Relieved, Lawrence made another lunge toward his shotgun, but found himself hovering off the ground. The shotgun was inches from his fingertips, but soon those inches were filled with black smoke that took on the appearance of a demonic visage with burning red eyes and a vicious smile.

“No!” Lawrence screamed, as the black smoke wrapped around his body and twisted him like a man ringing out a wet towel.

As the wraith snapped the remnants of Lawrence’s spinal column with a horrific spiral motion, Malcolm got back to his feet, made a dive under the smoky entity, and got hold of the shotgun. He fired two rounds of rock-salt into the black cloud, causing it to disperse with a deep howl.

It only took one look at Lawrence’s face for Malcolm to know that he was dead. As the boards began rattling loose from the walls, Malcolm pulled out his exorcism book again and continued reading the expulsion spell.

“By the command of all that is holy, I command thee to leave this realm!”

As he started to read the next passage, three pairs of clawed hands with hard black skin burst out from the ground around him. The stench of mud and rot choked him, and he knew before he even saw the eyeless, nose-less faces, or the two rows of fanged teeth, that he was in the grasp of mordeos.

He fired his last few rounds into the ravenous fiends, but the one that he killed was replaced by two more. Malcolm Woods was still swinging at them with his hatchet when they began to rip his organs from his body and devour them.

Once he was dragged to his fate, with soil filling his mouth and muting his screams, the walls stopped rattling, and all was silent on this winter’s night.

 

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The Marvelous Misdirections Of Avengers: Infinity War

I’m going to put this right at the top here:  Every word in this post contains spoilers about Avengers: Infinity War.

I’m not doing a standard review, since there have been a million of those already, and most of them are probably better than what I could do.

So, instead, this will be a spoilers & speculation post.

I’ll be directly addressing the fates of all the major character in the film, and what I believe that will and/or should mean for their future.

You have been sufficiently warned, so anything you see below this line is your own fault.

 

 

The misdirection that I reference is in the way that Infinity War was advertised. “Where Will You Be When It All Ends” is a super ironic tag line since nothing – including the movie itsel – really ends here. And, as long as we’re mentioning fake-out advertising, the dramatic struggle between Captain America and Thanos is little more than a footnote in this movie. There isn’t even any audio besides the dramatic “We’re All F*cked” music playing over the scene. Lastly, all those shots of the Hulk in Wakanda were easily plucked out by the CGI crew.

None of those little marketing fibs made me angry, though, when all was said and done. I very much enjoyed Infinity War, but I’ll abstain from giving my full thoughts on it as a film until it’s actually finished next year. This was not really a full movie; it was the first two acts of the three act film.

With that said, I thought it was done as well as you could possibly do something of this magnitude, with this many primary characters – most of whom are already carrying their own film franchises.

Some reviewers thought Thanos himself was a problem, but I thought that Josh Brolin imbued the character with enough humanity (for lack of a better term) to make even Motion Capture God Andy Serkis proud.

Every character got  a chance to get their stuff in, albeit in smaller doses than usual. But I didn’t feel like anyone got cheated out of screen time, since there was only so much to go around – even at two hours and forty minutes – and everyone got a pretty equal share.

Now let’s take a tally.

I’ll be listed cause of death (or “death”) next to each character’s name. Everyone who got dusted by Thanos’ Finger Snap Of Doom (he was right, Thor should have gone for the head) will be tagged as “Oh Snap!”

Dead:

Heimdall – Stabbed in the chest by member of Thanos’ Black Order.

Loki – Choked to death by Thanos himself.

Gamora – Dropped off a cliff as a sacrifice to attain the Soul Stone (which was protected by the Red Skull, who made a legit surprise cameo!).

Vision – Mind Stone yanked out of his head by Thanos.

Winter Soldier / Bucky Barnes – Oh Snap!

Black Panther / King T’Challa – Oh Snap!

Spider-Man / Peter Parker – Oh Snap!

Doctor Stephen Strange – Oh Snap!

Falcon / Sam Wilson – Oh Snap!

Scarlet Witch / Wanda Maximoff – Oh Snap!

Star-Lord / Peter Quill – Oh Snap!

Drax – Oh Snap!

Mantis – Oh Snap!

Groot – Oh Snap!

Nick Fury – Oh Snap!

Maria Hill – Oh Snap!

Unknown:

Princess Shuri

Hawkeye / Clint Barton (not in the film)

Ant-Man / Scott Lang (not in the film)

The Wasp / Hope Van Dyne (not in the film)

Captain Marvel / Carol Danvers (teased in the stinger, so presumably alive)

Alive:

Captain America / Steve Rogers

Iron Man / Tony Stark

Hulk / Bruce Banner

Thor

Black Widow / Natasha Romanov

War Machine / James Rhodes

Rocket Raccoon

Nebula

Mbaka

Okoye

 

Now, as far as who’s dead “for real” I’m going to say that only Heimdall, and Loki fit that bill.

Fact is that Idris Elba was too good for that role when they cast him, and has better things to do with his time.

Loki, meanwhile, has been great in all the movies he’s appeared, but he’s essentially a villain who already appeared in five movies. That being said, Loki’s been presumed dead a few times before, so you never know.

We’ve already seen an incarnation of Gamora in the Soul Stone’s pocket dimension immediately after the Finger Snap Of Doom. I don’t believe it’s going out on a limb to suggest that she’ll find her way out of the Soul Stone just in time to give Big Daddy T a stab or two.

Everyone who disintegrated after the Finger Snap Of Doom are, ironically, the safest characters. For various reason – financial and otherwise – it would be a bad idea to keep any of them dead past Avengers 4. I expect we’ll see all of them either immediately after Thanos is vanquished, or just in the nick of time to help with the vanquishing.

As for the unknowns – I expect we’ll find out Ant-Man and The Wasp’s status by the time their movie in July comes along. Because of that, and because they weren’t actually in Infinity War, I won’t speculate too much on their fates.

Here’s the funny thing I noticed about all the survivors: All of the original Avengers squad is still alive (I’m assuming Hawkeye is amongst the living as well, so we can get a full reunion in Avengers 4).

This makes way more sense than to kill any of them off in a movie as crowded ad Infinity War was. They’ll have at least the first half of Avengers 4 to do their victory lap. I do believe, however, that victory will come at a great cost.

“Who do you believe will actually die fighting the good fight against the Mad Titan” you may ask?

I can’t get a read on Hawkeye, but he’s been absent enough since Age Of Ultron that I think he may be traveling to that great archery range in the sky.

Tony Stark has cycled through a complete character arc at least twice in the last ten years. Also, Robert Downey, Jr still has a back-end deal that pays him based on box office grosses that I believe Marvel probably wants to get out of.

From a storyline perspective, the tandem of T’Challa and Shuri have the awesome armor / billion (trillion?) dollar bank account to fill in Iron Man’s spot. Also, Doctor Strange telling him “I’m sorry, Tony. There was no other way.” tells me that 1 out-of-14,000,000 chance at victory he foresaw will come at the cost of Tony’s life.

Steve Rogers has really been the backbone of the whole MCU in many ways. His character has also had one vast, and fantastic character arc that tells me his story ends while saving the universe from Thanos. Chris Evan also seems like he’s interested in doing some different things.

I think that Bucky will take up the mantle of Captain America, much as he did in the comics for a few years. He won’t be going at it alone, though, since I think he’ll need help from Falcon to fill Steve’s shoes. This also hopefully gives us a chance at more of their delightful “I hate you / I hate you more” dynamic in future films.

I believe that Black Widow will stick around to be the third leg that help carry the weight of Steve Rogers’ legacy. She, as a character, still has a lot of untapped potential. Also, Scarlett Johansson has a movie star presence that’s tough to replace.

Thor should be safe, especially since they only just figured out how to make a great Thor movie with Thor: Ragnarok. Chris Hemsworth also seems like he’s having a great time in Ragnarok, and Infinity War. Besides, he only just got that badass Storm Breaker. It’d be  a shame not to see that bad boy in action some more.

Hulk is, as he always has been, a lot of fun. Also, it’s nice to “Have a Hulk” in your back pocket whenever the need may arise. I think the Green Giant will be sticking around longer.

Rhodey has been around since the very first MCU movie, and Don Cheadle has been playing him since way back in Iron Man 2. War Machine would certainly help fill in that expected Iron Man-shaped hole, but his survival is a true wildcard in Avengers 4.

I expect Captain Marvel, Rocket, Nebula, and the Wakanda Trio (Shuri, Mbaka, Okoye) will help fill our the margins of Avengers 4. I think the only real death risk out of that group is Nebula.

At any rate, that’s where I stand on the present – and future – of the Avengers, and the MCU in-general. Where I also stand is happily in-line to see Avengers 4 as soon as I’m possibly able to.

The post The Marvelous Misdirections Of Avengers: Infinity War appeared first on Joe Mikolay.

The Ballad Of Luke Skywalker

It may sound crazy, but I feel that Luke Skywalker always got the short shrift.

Sure, everyone is super excited to see what’s become of the character thirty years after we saw him vanquish the Sith from the galaxy. But there was a time, a very long time I think, where no one really wanted to give Luke is props. At the very least, no one wanted to be Luke Skywalker.

Most people seemed to want to be Han Solo, because he was a roguish space cowboy. Or Darth Vader, because he was clearly the baddest dude in the galaxy. Or even Boba Fett, because he had a cool-looking helmet and a cool-sounding job title. But Han had no discernible character arc, Vader was overrated with a .500 record in on-screen lightsaber duels, and Fett was really just a jobber with cool ring attire.

Now, some may write off Luke as a boring old Chosen One character, but that’s not really true. The only thing “chosen” about him was something he shared with Princess Leia – that being Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader’s child. No, typically a Chosen One shows up, denies how chosen they are few a few scenes, and then suddenly save the world.

Luke, in fact, had quite a long and winding path to becoming the Jedi who saved the galaxy. I’m breaking his story down into eight parts (or Episodes, in keeping with the Star Wars themes) in honor of the forthcoming Episode VIII: The Last Jedi.

So gather ’round, ye children, and let me sing you the Ballad of Luke Skywalker.

Episode I: The Dreamer

When we first meet Luke, he’s a restless young man living on a moisture farm with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. We’re told that most of his friends have already left Tatooine to join the academy, and seek adventure amongst the stars. Meanwhile, the closest he can get to those stars is longingly watching the binary sunset.

His journey begins with the hologram of a mysterious girl beseeching a man named Obi Wan Kenobi for help. This leads to his recently acquired droids – R2-D2 and C-3PO – to lead him out into the desert towards Master Kenobi. It’s here that Luke learns of his heroic father (as far as he’s told by crazy old Ben Kenobi at any rate).

Obi Wan wants to lead Luke out into space on a quest to save the galaxy from Imperial rule. But Luke – being a good and responsible “son” – refuses to fly off until his aunt and uncle are murdered by Storm Troopers. Shortly thereafter he, Obi Wan, and the droids hire a smuggler and his Wookiee co-pilot to take them off Tatooine and mount a rescue mission of Princess Leia.

Episode II: The Hero Of The Rebellion

After getting an abbreviated Jedi 101 course from Obi Wan, Luke and his allies find their way onto the Death Star in their mission to rescue Leia.  As any amped-up teenager on his first adventure would, Luke rushes headlong into heroism without a doubt in his mind that he is right, and that right always wins.

During their escape from the Death Star, with Leia in-tow, Obi Wan is struck down by Darth Vader. They manage to reach a Rebel Alliance base, but Luke is shaken from the loss of three parental figures in a very short span of time. Still, he’s willing to jump into an X-Wing fighter jet and strike back (as it were) by taking a massively long shot at destroying the Death Star.

With Obi Wan riding shotgun, in Force Ghost form, Luke is able to make the shot and obliterate the Death Star. This cements his role as a hero, and a symbol, to the rebellion. It also sets him on a path that he will soon be unable to walk away from even if he wanted to.

Episode III: The Impatient Padawan

After scoring something of a Pyrrhic victory on the ice planet of Hoth, Obi Wan sends Luke to Dagobah to seek out the ancient Jedi Master Yoda for further training. He proves to be a fast learner, but a failure during on of his tests proves to be a harbinger of darkness to come, as he lobs off Darth Vader’s head, only for the Sith lord’s mask to vanish, and reveal Luke’s own face staring back at him.

Despite Yoda’s warning that he’s not ready, Luke speeds off to Cloud City when he senses that his friends are in-danger. He arrives too late to save Han Solo from being frozen in carbonite and taken away by Boba Fett – yet another loss of some he cares for – but just in-time to face off with Vader. Luke holds his own against the superior Sith lord, but it’s not long before Vader takes Luke’s hand from him, along with something much more precious: The belief that his father was a heroic Jedi martyr.

Episode IV: The Son Of Evil

What is a guy to do when he learns that the most evil man in the galaxy is his father? The first thing Luke does is mount a rescue mission for Han. This gives him a chance to flex his Jedi abilities, and bring his surrogate family back together to mount a final assault on the Galactic Empire.

The next thing he does is return to Dagobah to get confirmation about his ancestry from Yoda. Before passing into The Force, the old master comes clean and tells Luke that Vader and Anakin Skywalker are one-in-the-same. Yoda also leaves him with the revelation that there is another Skywalker somewhere out there.

He soon realizes that Leia is his sister, but that doesn’t change the fact that – with Yoda gone – Luke is now the last Jedi. Any hope of stopping Vader and his somehow-even-more-evil Emperor, falls completely on his shoulders.

Episode V: The Last Of The Jedi

By this point, Luke has lost everyone that ties him to his past. The aunt and uncle who raised him, and the two Jedi Masters who helped him become a man. The only things left binding him to anything at all are his sister, who he leaves almost immediately after dropping that knowledge bomb on her head, and his father, who he had spent the past few years training to kill.

It’s worth noting a few overlooked details at this point. The first being that, upon taking up the mantle of Jedi Knight, Luke clothes himself in all black.  It’s a fashion choice worth mentioning not only because it is closer to what we’ve seen the Sith decked out in than the Jedi, but also Luke’s own previous white, beige, and orange gear.

The other visible change in Luke is with his lightsaber. While he’d previously wielded his (and his father’s) blue lightsaber, he now carries a saber with a darker, green blade. It’s not quite red yet, but it’s closer than we’d seen before (not considering the prequel films, of course).

Still, knowing that now he is the only one who can break the tyrannical Sith lords’ grasp on the galaxy, Luke allows himself to be taken to the new Death Star to embrace whatever fate might hold for him.

Episode VI: The Sith Apprentice?

A very bizarre love(?) triangle plays out in Emperor Palpatine’s throne room, as both Vader and the Emperor wish to take Luke on as their Sith apprentice. This twisting dynamic plays out during Luke’s hellacious lightsaber duel with his father.

Here’s the part that doesn’t get mentioned nearly enough: Luke succumbs – at least in-part – to the Dark Side of The Force. In order to finally defeat Vader, he taps into his fear, his anger, and his hatred. The truth is that he likely would not have been able to win if he hadn’t.

Yes, he pulls himself back from the brink in the end, bringing what’s left of his father back with him. But would that be enough to heal the mental, and emotional scars that come with betraying everything Obi Wan and Yoda taught him about the Light Side and the Dark Side of The Force in his desperation to vanquish evil?

Episode VII: The Man Who Talks To Ghosts

The last we see of Luke Skywalker is Leia pulling him away from the Force Ghosts of Anakin, Yoda, and Obi Wan to celebrate the fall of the Galactic Empire. But what happened after that? How much of what happened in the throne room did he even tell Leia, or anyone else for that matter? Was the burden heaved upon him something he chose to carry alone for the rest of his life?

When we catch up to him in the closing moments of The Force Awakens, we’ve learned a little about how he spent the 30 years since defeating Vader and Palpatine. He started a Jedi school, only to have his students massacred by his own nephew, and then to flee into self-imposed exile. Other than that…

Episode VIII: ?

There are many questions that we need answered. Among the most pressing, for me at least, are:

When did he start his Jedi school?

How did he pick his students? How did he track down the Force-Sensitive people?

How long did it run before its destruction?

How did he lose Ben Solo to Supreme Leader Snoke, and the Dark Side?

Is he Rey’s father?

If so, who is her mother, and what happened to her?

What has he been doing while in exile?

I really do hope we find out the answers to these questions in Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi. I also hope we get to see old Master Luke unleash the full power of The Force in at least one super ass-kicking scene, since The Ballad of Luke Skywalker is deserving of a big finish.

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Defending The Justice League

Justice League opened last weekend with a disappointing $96 million domestic box office gross (though it made about twice that much overseas). Expensive, and extensive, reshoots were clearly a part of the reason why this is a disappointing opening. But the important thing is that the reshoots worked, and the movie is closer to what it needs to be that it would have otherwise been.

Spoilers Ahead.

The best summation I can offer is that this movie felt like a two-hour episode of the Justice League cartoon that I always was (and still am) a big fan of. It was pretty simple, very streamlined, and actually fun. This is a good thing compared to where the DC Expanded Universe was previously.

This movie had to accomplish some lofty goals and, for the most part, it attained those goals. Aquaman, Flash, and Cyborg came in with a clean slate, and they each acquitted themselves well. Wonder Woman was coming off her own excellent movie (far and away the best of the DCEU so far), so she came in with some cred and swagger. Batman and Superman, however, were in need of massive image rehab after the character assassination that was Batman v. Superman.

Batman and Superman were both in fairly decent shape coming into BvS. Christopher Nolan had made three damn good Batman movies since 2005 (not technically part of the DCEU) and unlike many people, I rather liked Man Of Steel. The issues that I had with it had nothing to do with Henry Cavill’s performance. My main gripe was the way Jonathan and Martha Kent gave the sort of life lessons to Clark that would make more sense in the Bizarro Earth.

Sure, Man Of Steel was far from perfect, but it did have the best live action Superman fight sequences of all time (massive Metropolis civilian body count aside). Then BvS made Superman a pouty Emo boy, and Batman a murdery, caped Punisher. The less said of everything Lex Luthor-related, the better. So Justice League’s primary mission had to be “Make the audience want to see more Batman and Superman movies.” To that I say mission accomplished.

Yes, the movie had issues. The flow of the movie felt choppy in places, and the CGI looks a lot cheaper than the supposed price tag would suggest. I suspect that both of these issues were due, in large part, to the necessary reshoots. The important thing is that I came out of the movie actually looking forward to seeing more movies starring any and all of these characters.

The Flash has most of the best lines. Aquaman seems like a cool hang. Cyborg’s story looks like it could go to some interesting places. Wonder Woman is still all good. Batman plays more like a Caped Crusader than a bloodthirsty maniac. And, out of all this, Superman was probably the highlight of the film for me.

For the first time since Superman II (1980) I was able to look at that character on the big screen and say “Now THAT is freakin’ Superman!” (Honorable mention to Brandon Routh and Tyler Hoechlin, who played decent Supermen with sub-par action surrounding them). A sort-of-amnesiac Man of Steel taking on the rest of the League is a cool set piece, but his big return in the climax of the film is what really won me over.

When he arrives just in the nick of time to give the team the final push towards victory, and those few notes of John Williams’ classic Superman Theme hits, it almost impossible not to get goose bumps. I’ll admit that Danny Elfman sampling his own Batman Theme along with Williams’ is a bit of a cheat code, but damned if they didn’t do the trick.

Anyway, Supes lays some smackdown on a giant alien bully, flies off to save a literal building full of civilians, then flies back to beat the crap out of the bad guy some more. It was the perfect use of Superman. If they can keep that going, then the granddaddy of all superheroes’ future is in a very good place.

Don’t get me wrong, the next round of films still need to be better. But, after Wonder Woman and this, I feel like the compass needle of the DCEU is finally pointing true north. Now, DC’s most iconic villains – Lex Luthor and The Joker – are still in desperate need of some character rehab. But at least DC/WB finally looks they they’re aware of that fact. And, hey, retcons have been a part of comic books almost as long as capes and tights have. So there’s hope.

I’m of the belief that having more good comic book movies is a wonderful thing. Marvel Studios has been banging them out of ten years now, hopefully Warner Bros comes to the understanding that the loss they may take from Justice League will lead to bug gains in the future. After all, if they started out making the movie they ended up making, it would have been cheaper (relatively speaking) and better.

Besides, you’ve still got a few weeks before The Last Jedi opens, and Justice League is definitely worth the fairly meager 110 minutes of your time. Did I mention this movie runs under two hours? It’s a nice break from the regularly inflated comic book movie runtime, and is another point in the film’s favor. So my real review is this: Go ahead and give it a shot. If you go in with realistic expectations, you won’t be disappointed. And, honestly, that’s only the second time I can really say that about the DCEU.

 

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Showdown In Screamtown: Frightful Four & Chilling Championship

This is it, boys and ghouls!

Only four competitors, and two matches, remain for our semi-finals round.

The monsters who survive those matches will need to step back into the ring tonight so that our champion can be crowned.

Godzilla may be known as King of the Monster, but tonight we’re going to crown the World Heavyweight Champion of Monsters!

SEMI-FINALS MATCH ONE: DRACULA (1) vs PREDATOR (7)

VS

Predator has had some time to lick his wounds or, more accurately, pours that really unpleasant burning powder on them to expedite healing. But Drac, sensing weakness, wastes little time in transforming into Bat-Beast mode, and going right for the jugular (figuratively and literally).

He gets his fangs sunk in, but glowing green blood tastes a bit like the stuff inside of glow sticks to Dracula. This throws the vampire king off his game, allowing the hunter to become an intergalactic Van Helsing.

Predator thrusts his metal wrist-blades into Drac’s chest. Then with two big slashes, he uses the same weapon to take off Dracula’s head, and take his spot in our Main Event,

WINNER: PREDATOR (7)

 

SEMI-FINALS MATCH TWO: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs THE TERMINATOR (6)

VS

Even with just one useful leg and one arm (period) our resident Killing Machine is able to pound the taste out of the Wolfman’s mouth. However, unlike Leatherface, Wolfie heals up almost immediately and goes on the offensive.

The Howling Horror gets right to ripping and tearing wires and hydraulics out of every joint he can find. The cybernetic super punches eventually begin losing the power behind them, and the metal endo-skeleton is soon immobilized and rendered little more than a shiny lawn sculpture.

For the coup de gras, the Wolfman digs into the brain chip slot that has already been scratched and softened up in the previous rounds. Once that little piece of silicon is pulled free, it’s light out for the glowing red eyes of the Terminator. With a mighty howl at the moon, Wolfie charges into the championship match.

WINNER: THE WOLFMAN (2)

 

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs PREDATOR (7)

VS

And now we come to our Main Event! The final clash of terrifying titans that we’ve all been waiting for.

This one gets bloody quickly, soon turning into a true war of attrition. Both beasts scour, stab, and tear with claws, teeth, and blades as the ring becomes a lake of gore. After a ferocious battle, both combatants fall to their knees and drag themselves off to separate corners.

But there’s one thing that Predator didn’t consider. A twist that he should have seen coming: Only silver can kill a werewolf. So the Wolfman heals up, and rises back to his feet.

He doesn’t move in for the kill right away, as even the most bestial of creatures can recognize a worthy adversary. Predator returns the respect, knowing this has been his last hunt. He rises back to his feet, stands on shaky legs, and nods at his opponent. Wolfman dashes across the ring in the blink of an eye, and makes the kill quickly.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER AND NEWWWWWWWWW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF MONSTERS: THE WOOOOOOOOOLFMAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

I hope you enjoyed reading about this tournament as much as I enjoyed writing it. Maybe I’ll try to come up with something similar in the near-future.

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

And don’t forget to pick-up my latest novel: What Lies At Baelwood Manor

 

The post Showdown In Screamtown: Frightful Four & Chilling Championship appeared first on Joe Mikolay.

Showdown In Screamtown Round Two: The Evil Eight

It’s time for our mighty monsters to get back in the ring and square off once again to decide who is the baddest of them all!

This group of eight have survived and advanced through one brutal round, now let’s see if they have enough left to move onto the Frightful Four semi-final round.

MATCH ONE: DRACULA (1) vs THE THING (12)

VS

Top-seeded Dracula hasn’t had easy matchups in this tournament, first having to deal with the interdimensional horror of Pennywise, and now facing off with the cosmic terror of The Thing.

Thingie goes right to trick that helped him upset Jason V in Round One, this time taking on the shape of Drac’s long-dead love Elisabeta (for those who forget, in Bram Stoker’s Dracula the titular bloodsucker is super into Mina Harker because she is the reincarnation of he aforementioned Elisabeta). It’s all for nought, though, as Drac immediately sees through the charade, and he’s pretty pissed at his opponent for taking such a low blow.

The grandaddy of all vampires goes all-out, and starts tearing pieces off The Thing. This, of course, only creates more problems for Drac, as every piece he tears off now attacks him. He ends up reaching deep into his bag of tricks and calls upon the creature of the night in the neighborhood. After all the rats and wolves and owls tote every piece of Thingie out of the arena, Dracula is the one left standing in the ring.

WINNER: DRACULA (1)

 

MATCH TWO: THE WOLFMAN (2) vs PINHEAD (9)

VS

Our resident Cenobite is feeling irrationally confident, considering he defeated a little girl in Round One, but Wolfie doesn’t care about that. Pinhead tried to S&M his opponent to death, but every inflicted wound heals almost instantly.

The Wolfman start pulling every nail out of Pinny’s head with his claws and, suddenly, the match changes from a fight to something far sexier (at least as far as Pinhead is concerned). After turning Pinhead into Plain Old Head, Wolfie starts tearing chunks out of the senior hellraiser’s pale body.

Pinhead is loving every second of it. He’s long ago ceased fighting back and, by the time he’s lying on the ground moaning loudly, covered in blood and….other fluids…the ref stops the match. The ring crew are used to mopping up gore, but they didn’t really sign up for this. So Pinhead is politely, but firmly, asked to leave the arena immediately.

WINNER: THE WOLFMAN (2)

 

MATCH THREE: FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER (3) vs PREDATOR (7)

VS

This match is a completely different affair for both these guys. Predator faces off against the exact opposite of an inquiring scientific mind in The Creature, while Frank himself stands across from an enemy who – being unsure whether The Creature is a worthwhile hunt – doesn’t make the first move.

Eventually, Frankenstein’s Monster snarls and moves in for the attack, leading to Predator going invisible and stabbing away from all angles with his wrist-blades. Frank takes a lot of damage, but he’s able to take it in-stride until he gets his hands on P-Diddy. His tech takes the brunt of the attack, so the invisibility strategy doesn’t last much longer.

Frankie comes at the Big Game Space Hunter like a freight train, making the latter starts wishing that the nuke on his forearm wasn’t banned from the tournament (along with all firearms). Instead, he relies on his superior speed and agility to cut Frank down piece-by-piece. The Creature wants to continue but, seeing that his limbs are no longer functioning, the match is stopped.

WINNER: PREDATOR (7)

 

MATCH FOUR: LEATHERFACE (4) vs THE TERMINATOR (6)

VS

This would have been a quick win for the literal Killing Machine in round one, since a chainsaw isn’t much use against a cyborg. But the acid bath and claw massage that the Alien Queen gave him in Round One has left the T-800 in really rough shape.

Leatherface goes to work on the parts that are already damaged, and saws through the exposed gears and wires on every body part he can get at. With the Terminator on the ground, Leatherface really leans his chainsaw into the slot that hold’s his opponent’s brain chip. This ends up being a mistake for the Texas BBQ Master.

The inexplicably Austrian-accented robot manages to grab Leatherface by the throat with his lone functional hand, and snaps his neck with one good twist. He struggles to his feet, dragging one useless leg behind him, and gets that one remaining hand raised in victory.

WINNER: THE TERMINATOR (6)

 

That leaves our Frightful Four semi-finals bouts looking like this:

Dracula (1) vs Predator (7)

The Wolfman (2) vs The Terminator (6)

Since there’s only a grand total of three matches left, we’ll also cover our Chilling Championship match in the next post.

So tune in then to see who is left standing when the dust settles on the Showdown In Screamtown!

 

 

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