Kelly Sopp's Blog: Love Notes - The Hey, I Love You Blog, page 2

Marriage Advice From A Fortune Cookie.

Each year, I give myself an anniversary gift. Reflection. I pull out the spiral-bound, bridal shower scrapbook that my Maid of Honor put together for me twenty-five years ago. It’s overstuffed with greeting cards, handwritten notes and a detailed list of the thoughtful gifts I received – a porcelain tea set from my soon-to-be sister-in-law, wine glasses, a photograph of Paris, and a slinky black negligee from my future grandmother-in-law. (Yes, that totally happened. She was a cool lady and I’m still blushing!)

As I flip through this keepsake love book, I read each card and take time to re-receive their simple marriage wishes for a “lifetime of happiness together” and “a blissful and ever-blossoming relationship”. I sit with these words in their full, greeting-card cheesiness and try to take them to heart. These are my people. They were rooting for us way back then. And despite not having seen most of them in years, I know they’re still rooting for us now. 

Just when my heart is brimming with sappiness, I turn to the page that always makes me laugh. It’s a page of fortune cookie wisdom for my new life as a wife. Before the bridal shower, my Maid of Honor had written to almost everyone I knew asking for the best piece of marriage advice they could offer in fifteen words or less. Then she printed them on slips of parchment paper, and baked them into a giant, football sized fortune cookie. Reading the fortunes aloud at the shower made for excellent comedy, even though the advice was mostly terrible...

So what would I share with a couple about to embark on a journey toward happily ever after?

“Never cook bacon naked.” Okay, maybe we can all agree this is wise advice despite having absolutely nothing to do with being married?

“The secret to a lasting relationship is separate bathrooms.” Yes, if only it were actually that simple!

“An ounce of sequins is worth a pound of home cooking.” I find this hilarious, but debatable.

“You will always have the last word if you make him think he does.” This feels like good advice if you’re the Road Runner and you’re marrying Wile E. Coyote.

“Have a prenuptial agreement regarding garlic.” Really? Yes judge, my reason for seeking a divorce is that I’m fond of Italian food!

And finally, “Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight.” The grown-up me could argue that ‘sleeping on it’ is sometimes a more productive strategy.  

The fortune cookie made for lots of laughs and a great memory. Yet it did very little to prepare me for what it actually takes to have a successful lifelong relationship. Those bits of wisdom I earned like purple hearts from the mistakes we made as a couple along the way. So what would I share with a couple about to embark on a journey toward happily ever after? Simple, tried and true marriage wisdom about supporting and encouraging one another. Giving each other the space to grow individually, but also, together. What it means to love selflessly. How to face the tough stuff life throws at you, as a team. How to apologize correctly, and so much more. And if I had to say it in fifteen words or less to fit inside a giant fortune cookie? It would be, “Your destiny is self-written.” 

Why Mattering Matters.

Hey, I Love You... page 114

We make a lot of assumptions as married people. We assume our lives will be relatively similar tomorrow to how they are today. We assume that being together means we’re both happy. We assume that we are working toward common goals like security, prosperity, and an under-counter wine fridge. And the biggest of all assumptions? We assume our partner knows, that without them, we couldn’t be a we.

To matter is one of the most fundamental biological and psychological human needs. In order to survive, we must assume that we matter. And in order to matter, we need to feel that our life has meaning. Not long ago, a very dear friend of mine tried to commit suicide. When he bravely recounted his story to me, he said “I thought about all the people who wouldn’t even miss me if I was gone.”  It broke my heart because he is important to so many people, including myself. But depression is a devil of an illness that’ll try to make you doubt your worth. Since then, I’ve learned that we should never assume others know how we feel. Even those sitting on the sofa right next to us. 

It’s better to say something than to wish you had said it.

Validating a person’s effect on the world, no matter how big or small, is always appropriate and appreciated. And all it takes are two simple words. You Matter. You can write them on a sticky note, bookmark page 114 in my book, or speak them out loud. What’s amazing about those two words is, they’re yours to give and they’re indisputable. When I tell my husband he matters, he always looks at me with a raised eyebrow and demands, “Why?!” Joking aside, I know he gets a lot of joy when I list the reasons. And that’s the other amazing thing about telling someone they matter – the follow up discussion honors them and will probably make them blush.  

Our words have so much power. Use them freely, and use them for good. I like to remind myself that it’s better to say something than to wish you had said it. My husband once told me that I matter because I scoop up the spiders and bugs in the house and divert them safely to freedom outside. That’s a little weird, but I totally appreciate it.

Curing Wedding Gift Anxiety.

Recently I was shopping for a wedding gift, and the whole experience had me wishing I was sipping from a bowl of spiked punch. First of all, I couldn’t remember the name of where the bride and groom mentioned they were registered. Something with a Z, or a B, G? I could have asked again but, awkward. Did you know there are literally hundreds of places you can be registered for bridal shower gift or wedding gift these days, and they almost all begin with a consonant?  

Eureka! After some intuitive searching, I found the couple’s wedding registry. Now, all I had to do was choose the perfect wedding present from the items they declared they already wanted. Which would have been easier if there was anything left on the list besides the items that end up in the back of the kitchen junk drawer. Would copper measuring spoons properly express my affection? It was still a month before the wedding but apparently I was behind. For a moment I considered purchasing all the remaining, miscellaneous odds and ends and sending them with a clever note: “Here’s to those ordinary things that make an extraordinary life!” Gag. Obviously, I was going to have to go rogue. 

Even shopping off-registry was challenging. High thread-count sheets are acceptable, as long as they’re produced sustainably and ethically, and are completely returnable. Queen? King? Teflon is toxic, but anodized aluminum and non-stick ceramic are currently deemed acceptable. Does this couple even like to cook? Espresso makers are bougie, but K-cups are destroying the world. A gift card to home depot? Well, that’s just depressing.  

Would copper measuring spoons properly express my affection?

My dad always gave every engaged couple the same gift. A rice cooker. He bestowed this wedding present upon them whether they liked rice, didn’t like rice, desired an appliance that took up counter space, or not. To this day I wonder how many people think of my dad when they’re eating beef broccoli. Not until now did I understand why he likely did this. To keep from going gray. He never worried about what to give a newlywed couple, or whether they would like it. At some point he decided that a rice cooker was a worldly, practical and affordable representation of his love. 

I’ve got nothing against a good rice cooker. But I’ve always wished I could give couples a more meaningful gift. Something they don’t even know they’ll need, but will be so grateful to have when they do. Something that could actually support them when things are going great, and when the world feels upside down. That was the germ of why I wrote Hey, I Love You… A marriage book that includes exactly what I wish someone had given me on my wedding day– tried and true wisdom on how to make marriage work and be great life partners.

Like my dad, I can stop having anxiety about finding the perfect gift. I can finally give something that is an adequate representation of my love. It’s not a wedding gift, it’s a marriage gift. Okay, those copper measuring spoons are actually really cute, so i’ll throw them in too. 

How to Shake the Dust Off Your Marriage.

There are some amazing comforts that come with being a matrimony long-hauler. Like knowing how your partner likes their coffee, right down to their favorite mug. Like wearing sweatpants... a lot. Or knowing that, if you’re off the grid a little too long, there’s someone ready to round up a search party. Personally, my favorite comfort in being someone’s forever is that when I don’t show up as my best-self, I’m given the grace of a do-over. 

But there are some hazards to watch out for in a lifelong relationship too. Like slipping into a routine that reaches Groundhog Day level. Or taking for granted each other’s small but regular contributions: gas magically finding its way into the tank; trash bins miraculously appearing at the curb on trash day; your favorite beer teleporting itself from the grocery store to your refrigerator. And beware of marriage myopia. Sometimes my husband and I can look right at each other but not really see each other. “Have I worn this shirt for the past three days and slept in it too? I don’t know babe, you tell me!” 

So be on the lookout for complacency. Prioritizing sleep over sex is fine, but you might want to bust a move if it’s every single night. If the two of you have gone from comfortable to complacent, that’s when it’s time to shake the dust off. How? I’ve seen plenty of recommendations out there on how to do it: Games that have you rolling dice and doing impromptu activities; Apps that prompt you to hire a sitter and spend the evening wine tasting and painting decorative signs; Nomadic influencers promising the secret to a rekindled romance lies in Italy, or Morocco, or in the back of a tiny-home van somewhere outside of Utah. Seriously??! Look, if you really want to liven things up and reconnect with your spouse, you can do it right now. Without spending a dime. 

I’ve found that words can have far more impact when you add the element of surprise. 

Start with words. Try, “Wow. You look great.  Have I told you how fantastic you look lately?” It only takes a moment. But to your partner, it’s like you stopped time to make them feel seen, appreciated and desired. In my book, Hey, I Love You...I share some simple ways for couples to engage with one another through words and action. Because when you actively engage with your spouse, you are being present in your relationship. And that’s what it’s all about.

Often when I interview couples I’ll hear, “I give compliments to my wife all the time and it’s like she doesn’t even hear me!” One reason is that our words, no matter how meaningful, tend to dissipate if they’re delivered inside a whirlwind of activity like packing up lunches and getting the kids off to school. So, timing is important. Words can also get deflected by a wall of self-loathing, which is something that’s quite common among women. The key to breaking through? Disruption. I’ve found that words can have far more impact when you add the element of surprise. 

In Hey, I Love You… creating disruption is as simple as using a bookmark. I include one so you can mark the page that expresses how you feel, then leave the book in a surprising place for your partner to discover - like in their sock drawer, or under their pillow. When they find the book, it creates a moment of pause and intrigue. And when your message is read, the words are more meaningfully received. It might spark up a conversation between you. Or, maybe your partner will mark a different page and return the surprise. Now matter how you choose to communicate, the more fun you make it, the more likely you are to keep doing it.

Our words have incredible power to spark romance, lift each other up, reveal vulnerability, heal, and forgive. Our actions are the physical manifestations of those words. When you pour a coffee into your spouse’s favorite mug and doctor it up with just the right amount of sugar and creamer, it may not seem like you’re doing much. But you’re actually saying “I know what makes you happy and I want to bring you joy.” Today, why not do a dust check? Drag your finger across the hearth of your relationship and see how much work there is to do. If your spouse needs encouragement, rest a hand on their shoulder and say, “I believe in you.” If you want to spark some romance, try leaving a note on their laptop that says, “Kiss Me.”  I promise you, things are about to get interesting. 

What Would “I Do” Differently?

It’s been twenty five years since I planned my wedding. And aside from the invention of  Google, not much about planning a wedding has changed. Venues are visited, cakes tasted, flowers ordered, dresses fitted, and invitations are selected. A band is booked, caterer contracted, rings sized, menu chosen and the seating arrangements are confirmed. And that’s not even the half of it! I just read an article that claims the average American couple spends 524 hours planning a wedding.* And based on how long it took me to decide between salmon cakes and twice baked new potatoes, I’m actually not at all surprised!

But here’s a question I’d like to propose. What if, while planning for this one remarkable day, we also invested some time planning for a remarkable marriage? In my experience, every hour invested in learning what it even takes to have a great relationship would deliver exponential returns. Because the truth is, we plan every little detail up until the moment we say “I do”, and then we’re pretty much winging it. We don’t really know what life will throw at us individually, or as a couple. And most of us haven’t developed the skills to prepare. If I could do it all again, I’d learn more about what it takes to be a great partner before becoming one. Doing so would have given us more joy and happiness in the early years, and more resilience for the challenges that lay ahead.

We plan every little detail up until the moment we say “I do”, and then we’re pretty much winging it.

In my book Hey, I Love You… I share ten things to build a strong and healthy relationship that I wish someone had shared with me on my wedding day. They’re simple principles to follow, even when life gets complicated. Like the first thing, “Never stop trying to be the One.” It’s such a simple piece of wisdom, that when followed, keeps us actively engaged in the pursuit of our partner’s affection and admiration. It helps us avoid putting our marriage on auto-pilot and taking our spouse’s choice to love us for granted. After all, being married shouldn’t be the end of feeling pursued.

When we’re high on buttercream frosting, bridal showers and all-around wedding bliss, it’s easy to assume that Happily Ever After is a given. But if there’s one thing I know, it’s that a truly great marriage is something that’s made. And a few basic skills can get you really far! Like expressing yourself with empathy, kindness, and openness in any situation. Listening without judgement. And understanding how to properly apologize. These are skills I wasn’t very good at in the beginning, but thankfully, I improved upon. Sure, I still flub it up. Which is exactly why I wanted to write a book that helps couples exchange their thoughts and feelings easily, and in just the right way. Like communication with guardrails!

Love and determination are how my husband and I built our version of a remarkable marriage. But I can’t help wondering, how much more quickly could we have gotten here if we were better prepared from the moment we said “I do?”

*https://www.independent.co.uk/life-st...