Chris Hardwick's Blog, page 2137

LEGION Recap: Chapter 6

 Spoilers for Legion follow. Like really, really major ones. Don’t read if you’re not well-versed in “Chapter 6.” Be forewarned. Shall we begin?

Every genre show that runs for long enough tries its hand at the “We’ve actually been in a mental institution this whole time!” bottle episode. Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Smallville, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Charmed, Community, The Magicians, Supernatural—the list goes on and on. So it was only natural that Legion, a show that literally began in a psychiatric hospital, would put their own spin on the trope sooner rather than later.

Luckily for us, “Chapter 6” doesn’t attempt to trick us into believing that Clockworks is the “real” world. As we’re reintroduced to all the members of the Summerland team and watch them attempt to find rational explanations for their supernatural quirks, it’s patently obvious that “Dr. Lenny Busker” is manipulating them. She might say all the right things, but there’s obvious frustration in Aubrey Plaza’s voice as she deals with each patient—or, rather, as she convinces them that they’re all mentally ill.

The only person who can tell that something’s off (with the exception of The Eye, a.k.a. Walter, who just… is off) is Syd, who explains to Lenny that her new world feels “like a dream, but not an interesting one.” And that’s not all: she also sees David’s bedroom door manifesting out of the corner of her eye at times, and understands why she’s the only one who’s noticed it. I’ll have to go back and check but I swear, a lot of the exchanges Syd interrupts here are ripped straight from the pilot—although, David’s sister Amy gives her performance much more venom than the original Clockworks employee had. Heck, I’d be pissed too at this point.

David, in contrast to Syd, feels comfortable and “in control.” Unlike Syd, he’s not interested in getting better and leaving the hospital as much as he wants to take one day at a time, because, as he tells Lenny during their therapy sessions, he’s finally achieved some semblance of balance between mania and depression. Wait. Those are symptoms of bipolar disorder, not of schizophrenia, aren’t they?

But let’s not get bogged down in details—especially not when there’s an elaborate dance sequence a la the Archer opening credits for Lenny to star in while everyone is asleep! Aubrey Plaza is flippin’ killing it here, and I’d say she deserves an Emmy except I don’t think they give one out for “Best Evil Burlesque-Inspired Dance Routine In A Mini Series.” I guess “Best Supporting Actress” will do, right?

Meanwhile, Cary and Kerry (who still share a connection despite being physically separated for the first time) are both having dreams of ice cubes and diving masks. It seems like Oliver Bird’s trying to contact the two of them from his part of the Astral plane, and he succeeds in waking up Cary. But without him there, Kerry feels lost—and even worse, the Eye starts getting real creepy with her. Is their exchange meant to evoke a loss of confidence in Kerry, since she just lost that fight? Or is the show relying on predatory language to remind us that the Eye’s a bad guy? I want to believe the former, but I’ll admit, watching him stalk Kerry around and quote Little Red Riding Hood at her—especially now that she’s actually acting her young-seeming age—left a sour taste in my mouth.

Back in “Clockworks,” Syd’s been reading a book about dream states and memory palaces and thinks they might actually be trapped in an alternate reality. But David tells her to “be careful,” because she might trigger the delusions she’s worked so hard to avoid. Yup, in this version of reality it’s Syd who hallucinates, and David instead has “manic depression” (which, yes, is an outdated term for bipolar). But her aversion to touch is so ingrained in her that she can’t buy this new reality at all, and when she leaves David behind, a mysterious pustule on the wall triggers her memories of Lenny’s death and everything that’s happened to them since. Shadow King!Lenny responds by sending Syd away (bonus points if you made a “Sunken Place” joke while watching like I did), but it’s too late—David’s seeing the door now, too, and knows things aren’t as normal as they appear.

He’s not the only one, either; Oliver also reaches out to Dr. Bird, who’s more than willing to follow him through a mysterious hallway beyond Clockworks’ facade and into what reality used to look like (in the moments before David and Syd were about to be shot). Her inability to stop the bullet or move David out of the way feels like a very personal attack on all of us who really love X-Men‘s version of Quicksilver, if you ask me. Seeing the scene from the outside like this makes me wonder, though: is it possible that David’s trapped everyone in Clockworks in order to save them all?

Well, maybe not. When David asks Lenny where Syd is, she starts to let her facade drop and admits what she really is: a “fungus” clinging to David who doesn’t understand anything about humans, except their interest in power. Even more shocking, she admits she knew David’s real father, who hid David to keep him safe from her because he’s “always acting so holy.” Well, if we didn’t think this version of Legion is Professor X’s son just like he is in the comics, we sure do now! Finally, the kicker: she’s tired of trying to work with David and placate his desire for love and relationships. “All I need you for is your body, anyway,” she says, and shoves him down into his own version of the Sunken Place. God bless Jordan Peele for adding that to our lexicon; it’s an extremely useful phrase for a mind-warping show like this.

But all is not lost! Because Kerry’s next to get a visit from the mysterious vintage diver. Except… wait, is that Cary in there? What is happening?

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m ready for the inevitable reality-bending jailbreak that next week will be. In the meantime, let us know in the comments what you thought about tonight’s episode!

Images: FX Network

THE EXPANSE Recap: Bad Day at Tycho Station

Fair warning: this recap includes spoilers for The Expanse that will steal your nukes—don’t say we didn’t warn you ahead of time!

It’s become clear within the last few episodes of The Expanse that Miller was the gruff glue holding the universe together. His climactic crash into Venus with Mao was a catalyst for chaos, and now we’re back on the brink of war, factions are splitting up, and we’re dealing with refugees in the shadow of the remaining Protomolecule.

After the fallout of the bizarre attack on Ganymede, “Pyre” introduced us to Dr. Praxideke Meng (Terry Chen) on his way to Tycho Station with another load of refugees from Ganymede and a silver biological canister in his pocket. He connected with Doris (Grace Lynn Kung), who told him that the bulk of the mirror crash happened in the sector where his daughter, Mei, was at a doctor’s appointment. Hopefully you didn’t get too attached to Doris. After being told the beautiful lie that they were docking with a ship that would take her and others back home to Earth or Mars, she was spaced by a Belter who is fighting his own little war. A war that has gone street level.

Doris and Dr. Meng (with his massive head wound) both illustrated the cost of it.

At Tycho, Meng was given an empathetic shrug of the shoulders when he relayed news of the group murder. What can be done? Justice comes slow or doesn’t come at all here in the wild West.

And it’s gotten wilder. Dawes (Jared Harris) has calculated and enacted an even greater division between Fred Johnson (Chad L. Coleman) and the other OPA faction leaders. It’s a split between those who want to fight and those who want to talk. Clearly Harris was hired for this season solely to give barn-burning monologues because he gave yet another one, speaking to Johnson about his Proto-secret weapon and his gross inability to keep it hidden from the rest of the Belt. Great sower of discontent and distrust that he is, Dawes’ broadcast was also sent to Staz (Alden Adair) to rile up his crew.

The division also deepened between Naomi (Dominique Tipper) and Holden (Steven Strait) with a large helping of dramatic irony that saw Holden apologizing for keeping his knowledge of existing samples of Protomolecule secret despite Naomi being the one with the far bigger Protomolecule-based secret. It’s like someone just wheeled in a fan, a catapult, and a bucket of shit.

Naomi accessed the station’s antennae to see where Cortazar was scanning, only to find that, surprise, he was checking out Ganymede. The tangled web gets another strand. Unfortunately, Johnson’s response was less than thrilling, arguing that they simply need to accept that the Protomolecule is out there and mentally deal with it. In other words, don’t do anything at all.

As if that neutered stance weren’t enough to knock him off his throne, Staz and his crew took over the control bridge and held Johnson and Drummer (Cara Lee) at gunpoint to get the nuclear launch codes from them. After playing tough, Staz shot Drummer and started checking his watch while his traitorous insider tried to hack the system. It’s a monumentally stupid move, born in desperation along with Staz’s belief that sending the nukes toward Earth (and having them retaliate against Tycho) will somehow be a rallying cry to their cause (and not just a bloody depletion of their friends and colleagues).

Meanwhile, Holden and Naomi tried to find a link between Protogen and Ganymede, coming up with good old Dr. Strickland (Ted Atherton) who was playing doctor on the farming outpost–specifically playing pediatrician to Dr. Meng’s daughter.

Naomi and Holden confronted Meng, discovering that he’s been carrying a super non-lethal soybean in his canister and that there’s a good chance his daughter Mei (Leah Jung) is still alive. After checking surveillance footage for Dr. Strickland, they found him leaving the sector with Mei almost an hour before havoc rained down. The conclusion? Strickland knew what was coming. But why does he want Mei?

Throughout all of this, Amos (Wes Chatham) has been in an apathetic haze, and it took Alex (Cas Anvar) to punch him out of it. True hero of the episode, Alex also noticed that a missile launch was eminent, alerted Holden and Naomi, and set in motion Amos’ spacewalk to turn off the oxygen in the main bridge. With everyone knocked out, they rescued Johnson and Drummer, who repaid Staz’s bullet with one of his own. A lovely parting gift right through the forehead. Drummer continued to not play around.

Meng joined the Roci crew for their new mission to Ganymede, seeking answers about Strickland and the Proto there, and as they left, Johnson issued a strange ultimatum that they wouldn’t be allowed back at Tycho. It’s a hollow threat that Holden bristled at, scoffing at Johnson for being, now, completely uninvolved. A general with no platoon.

Johnson’s lost control, but it doesn’t look like anyone else has it either. We’re in for a bumpy ride.

SOME STRAY THOUGHTS:

So all you have to do to take control of a station is kill the oxygen inside the hub from the outside? Terrorism seems super easy in The Expanse.
Speaking of which, Amos is so skilled that he goes from utter depression to no-sweat, space-walking sabotage within about a half-hour.
Do you think Johnson and Dawes don’t get along because they’re feuding over who has the deeper, scratchier voice?

Images: NBC/SyFy

THE 100 Recap: Things Just Keep Getting Worse in ‘We Will Rise’

Warning: the following recap contains major spoilers from Wednesday’s episode of The 100, “The Tinder Box.” It is a recap, after all! Don’t say we didn’t warn you …

It’s been two weeks since The 100‘s explosive hour “The Tinder Box” ruined any and all hope for using the Ark again to survive the incoming radiation death wave, and things didn’t get any better in tonight’s hour. “We Will Rise,” optimistically titled, and horribly, horribly depressing in reality.

Arkadians tried to get their revenge on Ilian, the Grounder who torched the Ark, despite Kane doing his best to save his life in the name of doing what’s right. Only Kane, Monty, and Nylah were fighting to save the poor boy’s life. He may have torched the Ark, but he didn’t know about the incoming death wave, so can he really be blamed? Well, most everyone else seemed to think so. Octavia almost executed Ilian in the same exact place and way that Pike killed Lincoln, and she finally realized just how far she had fallen and just how dark her soul had become. She ran away from Arkadia in tears without looking back and Jaha let Ilian go in secret.

Meanwhile, Raven made strides in her attempts to get to space and back safely to make Nightblood serum … but she needed all 10 hydrazine barrels from Arkadia to do that, and thanks to a Grounder attack in response to Azgeda’s reign of terror, they now only have nine. So that’s definitely not great!

Also not great is while in Becca’s lab, Raven’s “updated” brain was starting to get the better of her. It was pulling her down into the “darkness,” something that Luna was very used to but Murphy was not a fan of since it resulted in Raven verbally abusing him over and over (which, he definitely deserved, so … maybe don’t complain, dude). Raven is by far the best character on this show – both for what she’s accomplished and for how insanely well Lindsey Morgan brings her to life – and this hour was her time to shine. And damn, she did. That single tear rolling down Raven’s cheek as Luna comforted her during a breakdown was a master class in acting. And then she ended the hour with a debilitating seizure that left her foaming at the mouth! Very, very not great.

So to recap (this recap), Arkadia descended into darkness by allowing an angry mob to to try and kill Ilian, Azgeda resorted to inciting violence in the wake of learning about the incoming death wave (Roan’s guards even turned on him!), and Skaikru still has no hope in surviving the incoming death wave of radiation. “From the ashes, we will rise?” More like from the ashes, we will fall.

Other noteworthy moments:

– Can I get a hell yeah for Clarke and Nylah?! Their physical dalliance from last season has turned into a full-fledged emotional connection. Clarke asked Nylah to “move in” with her in Arkadia, and Nylah even told Clarke that Lexa would be proud of her for her attempts to save not just her people but everyone, Skaikru and Grounders alike. Guys, I am loving this romance. It kind of snuck up on me!

– “Once you accept there’s nothing to be done, there’s nothing to worry about.” Jasper’s blasé attitude about the end of the world is really start to get on my nerves. People got seriously hurt in a massive explosion, dude. Try and show a little sympathy.

– “I’ll send her your love” is Clarke’s official way of telling Kane she approves of his relationship with her mom. I love these smaller character moments in the midst of crazy, world-ending chaos.

– Ditto for Bellamy and Octavia’s turbulent sibling relationship. She still hasn’t forgiven Bellamy for his part in Lincoln’s death, and he won’t stop trying to make up with her. My kingdom for a Blake sibling focused episode!

– I didn’t see this one coming: Luna and Murphy’s dynamic is quickly becoming the most fascinating. Their shared dark pasts and pessimistic views of the future make them the perfect imperfect pair. Emori, you better watch out – Luna might be coming to steal your man.

– Roan’s flying jump attack on his guards that betrayed him was one of the most epic stunts I have ever seen on this show. Zach McGowan’s Black Sails training really showed off in that moment. I want more badass Roan moments!

– Clarke and Bellamy’s goodbye was cut short by Roan’s discovery of the ruined barrel. Man, my imagination is running wild about what Bellamy was going to say to Clarke.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Tweet me all things The 100 at @SydneyBucksbaum!

Images: The CW

The 100 airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on The CW.

THE MAGICIANS Recap: ‘Word As Bond’ is One of the Series’ Best Episodes

Warning: the following recap contains major spoilers from Wednesday’s episode of The Magicians, “Word As Bond.” It is a recap, after all! Don’t say we didn’t warn you …

I called last week’s bank heist episode “one of season two’s best episodes yet,” but here I am one week later, eating my words. Because where “Plan B” lived in all the wacky, hilarious shenanigans that makes The Magicians such a unique show, “Word As Bond” highlighted all the emotional turmoil and powerful relationships that make us stick around for more of the weird, crazy shit. This truly was one of the best episodes of the series, not just this season. Let’s get to recapping just why, shall we?

When the “previously on” segment took us back to when The Beast explained what a Shade does to Julia, I knew exactly where we were headed in “Word As Bond.” And lo and behold, I was right: Julia’s “complication” from her magical abortion/exorcism in last week’s episode was the loss of her Shade. While that was the solution Julia was secretly craving and fearful of this entire time (ever since she was raped by Reynard), it was a scary turn for her character. There’s no going back to the old Julia, and there’s no telling just what this new Julia is capable of.

We found out at the very beginning of this week’s hour that when the demigod’s soul was cut out of her body, her Shade was nicked by accident, rendering it inert forever. And Quentin and Kady’s misgivings weren’t wrong: she may not be on the same level as The Beast just yet, but she certainly isn’t the same Julia she used to be. She didn’t even care when she came face-to-face with Reynard! Her removal of her Shade is definitely going to get her killed. At least Quentin still cares enough to look after her, and bring her to Fillory for safe-keeping until they can find a way to kill Reynard.

Of course, that didn’t stop her from causing some serious magical mayhem. During attempted peace talks with the sentient forest bordering the Lorian troops and Fillorian castle, Julia ended up blowing up the entire forest, killing all the endangered trees and and the dryad she flirted with not a minute before with narya second thought or remorse. She even smiled as she walked away, listening to all the screams in her wake. Damn, girl. That’s cold.

Before she walked away, though, she’d blackmailed the Lorian master magician to make her an invisibility spell strong enough to hide her from a god, so at least she got all her bases covered in that regard. And Margo put her in the dungeons of the Fillorian castle for now, so she can’t get into any more trouble. Probably. Maybe. Who knows? I wouldn’t put it past Julia to ignite a second war in Fillory, all the from the comfort of her own jail cell.

Meanwhile, Quentin held up his end of the bargain with Niffin Alice—thanks to her helping fix their bank robbery gone awry—using a Word As Bond spell to give her one hour of control of his body every day. He’s definitely going to regret that, because you can’t break or amend or reverse a Word As Bond. She even portaled them to Dublin (!) to try and figure out a way to get herself free from Quentin. She tricked Quentin into summoning Friar Joseph, a niffin who managed to make himself “unboxable.” But he won’t teach her how until she figures out a way to free herself from Quentin on her own. Seeing as how Penny just discovered that Niffin Alice is wreaking havoc in Quentin’s mind, she probably won’t get that far anymore. But can you imagine the horrors Niffin Alice can conjure up if she wasn’t shackled inside Quentin?! That’s the stuff that season three nightmares are made of.

MAGICAL MUSINGS:

– It’s so weird seeing Julia happy, smiling, and carefree. It’s not even a relief after her season of emotional trauma, it’s downright scary. Also her saying, “I’m bored,” reminded me quite hauntingly of Dark Willow on Buffy. So you know, not good.

– After Eliot’s golem was killed during the bank robbery, they had to magically carry his soul from the clay back to his body in Fillory. It took longer than it should have because of the magical brownouts (thanks, Ember’s poop), but eventually it did work. Thank goodness. I would not survive without Eliot’s quips.

– This week’s hour gave us more than our fair share of emotionally touching moments. First between Margo and Quentin at Eliot’s bedside, then Margo’s plea to an unconscious Eliot, then a frustrated Quentin yelling at Niffin Alice, Kady losing her shit on Penny, Margo comforting Fen … there were incredible performances all around. The emotional lows of almost every character truly gave each actor their own chance to shine. If there was ever an episode to submit for awards recognition, this is it.

– Jason Ralph playing Olivia Taylor Dudley’s Niffin Alice taking control of Quentin’s body is a trip just to even think about let alone see it onscreen.

– I love how the Dryad, usually female, was a male in this hour. I’m all for subverting expectations, especially when it comes to gender-swapping! Plus, Grey Damon can #getit.

– In order to find the name of the demigod child Reynard fathered decades ago, Penny signed his life (and his immortal soul’s life of a million years) away to the Librarians. I thought we learned our lesson with making rash decisions in the name of the greater good, y’all?! Penny, this is not a good call! I get it, he did it because the trail of the search for Reynard’s demigod child with Dana went cold. Before she died, Dana made sure to erase any history of the child’s face or his adopted family. “Back to square nothing,” indeed. But still, that doesn’t mean Penny literally sign his life away. Ugh. Too late now, I guess.

QUALITY QUOTES:

Niffin Alice to Quentin about his Word As Bond spell: No hurting anyone, no casting magic, no sex … trust me, you locked down any possible fun.

Margo: I’m just glad we managed to sneak the golem out. Is it me or is morgue security ridiculously lax?

Quentin: Well I think stealing corpses isn’t generally a thing.

Margo: It should be. Kind of fun.

Margo: I had a pigeon drop a confusion spell on the Lorian castle so they’re moving slow about now.

Tick Pickwick: Using the gold you procured, we have been able to amply fund the infantry. Now, as for Loria –

Palace guard: Some 8,000 troops are headed for the border.

Margo: So we’re totally outnumbered.

Tick Pickwick: Perhaps … not. Our spies have spotted the master magician Illario at the edge of the woods.

Margo: That bald illusionist dick who disappeared the entire castle?

Tick Pickwick, talking about the One Way Forest filled with sentient trees: The trees have a long allegiance with Loria and, begging pardon, an excessive dislike of Fillory.

Margo, slowly and sarcastically: Can you move the trees?

Palace guard: They’re … rooted, your highness.

Margo: Yeah. I mean with an ax.

Julia: I’m bored. Let me be a little useful, okay?

Margo: Fine. But I do the talking. You just stand there and look vaguely indignant or whatever. Let’s go.

Penny: Stop that!

Quentin: Stop what?

Penny: Stop singing Imagine Dragons to get me off track!

Kady: What was that?

Penny: Something’s wronger than usual … and he’s a grown man. Moving on.

Margo: Listen. I know your tree buddies don’t like us.

Dryad: The rulers of Fillory have a long and tragic history of arborial disrespect.

Quentin to Penny: Can we agree that I lose no matter what I say so I’ll just stop talking?

Anglerbeast in the body of a little girl playing in a sandbox: In the parlance of your time: “F-k you, pay me.” Fresh meat. Newborns are the sweetest.

Margo: What the hell were you thinking, huh?! You burned down the One Way Forest while I’m trying to wiggle us out of a full-on war?!

Julia: Those trees were dicks.

Margo: They were endangered! Now trees all over Fillory are enraged and calling for action.

Eliot: Listen to High King Bambi.

Penny: Guess what? It’s not up to you to decide if you’re worth my time. I get to decide to do whatever the f-k I want with it, even if it is spend it on a girl that threatens to bail all the goddamn time. Because guess what Kady? I didn’t think I was ever going to f-king see you again. That puts s-t into perspective. I love you, okay? Deal.

Kady, smiling: Shit.

What did you think of this week’s The Magicians? Tweet me at @SydneyBucksbaum!

Images: Syfy

The Magicians airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Syfy.

Will You Accept This Rose? #45: Arden and Rob’s Northern Obsession! w/ Hailey Merkt and Rob Benedict!

Bachelor Contestant Hailey Merkt joins Arden and Rob to discuss the Mansion! Bunk Beds! Naps! and Bachelor in Paradise!!! Arden wants to know how the F you pack for the show in TWO SUITCASES!!!!! Rob thinks Canada grows em better! Hailey stays true to herself after she survives the mansion!

Like  Will You Accept This Rose?  on Facebook and follow @ArdenMyrin, and @ErinFoleyComic on Twitter! Email the show at rosepodcast@gmail.com!

Music by Mark Rivers

Inked Wednesday #127 – Batwoman, STAR WARS, and More Geeky Tattoos

When DC Comics kicked off their Batwoman: Rebirth series in February, it inspired one fan to get a tattoo featuring the superhero. Kristen Hartung was excited to see Batwoman back in action and flipped back to the New 52 to find a version of the character worthy of being permanently inked. This was the result:

Batwoman (DC Comics New 52) | Source: Kristen Hartung, inked by Riley Hogan at Bushido Tattoo

Pretty freakin’ dope, right?

Scroll on down to the gallery below, because we’re so not done. You’ll see an epic-looking Star Wars sleeve with Han Solo, Rey, and Vader—and it’s inked by Josh Bodwell, whom we’ve featured before. Then there’s a nod to the Batman: Dark Victory cover with Robin dressed as Marty McFly. Yep. And I can’t forget the pulp magazine cover either. Go admire all of them.

If you have nerdy ink on your skin or you’re a tattoo artist that applies pop culture, STEM, music, or other nerd-inspired ink (tl;dr: I want to see practically all the tattoos) on a regular basis, then please hit me up because I’d like to highlight you in a future Inked Wednesday gallery. You can get in touch with me via email at alratcliffe@yahoo.com. Send me photos of the tattoos you’d like me to feature (the higher resolution, the better) and don’t forget to let me know the name of your tattoo artist if you have it, as well the name of the shop he or she works out of. If you are the tattoo artist, give me links to your portfolios and/or Instagram accounts so I can share them with our readers.

Featured Image: Kristen Hartung

Watch a Man’s Thrillingly Pointless Footrace Against The London Tube

At some point during the summer of 2014, we imagine this happened: A pair of friends in England were just hanging out, when one of them speculated that he could run faster than the subway moves. After a quick protest, he clarifies: He wagers he could get off the subway at one stop and run through the streets and meet it at its next destination. Concept in place, the race was on. That’s the best backstory we can come up with for the video above, which features an epic race between man and machine.

Resurfacing today as a GIF on Reddit, the events depicted in the video took place on July 12, 2014 at 11:53 a.m. in Blackfriars, London. Between the Mansion House and Cannon Street stops of London’s tube (their subway system), there are about 35 yards of street along with 75 steps of stairs and two turnstiles all in the runner’s way. The split-screen video shows the perspective of a filmer on the train and of a small camera strapped to the runner’s head.

As soon as the doors open at the Mansion House stop, the runner is off, navigating his way around other subway passengers, stairs, and the busy London streets. As the train arrives at the Cannon Street station and the doors open, the runner is just making his way down the final set of stairs and manages to make it into the train just before it starts moving again.

This video gives us a tremendous appreciation of the world’s subway and train systems. Sure, their times from stop to stop were just about the same, but the cameraman in the subway sure was a lot less exhausted than his sprinting counterpart.

Featured image: Epic Challenges

Live Your Best Life with This Ranch Dressing Fountain

National Ranch Dressing Day was March 10th this year, and I’m still kicking myself for missing it (you better it’s in my calendar for next year). Because who would want to miss one of the best food holidays ever, especially when one considers Hidden Valley’s impressive way to celebrate America’s favorite condiment. Internet, I give you the Ranch Dressing Fountain!

While chocolate fountains have long existed for the sweettooths of the world, some of us need to dip our veggies, our pizza, our chicken wings—our everything—in white liquid gold. This impressive Auger-style fountain has a two pound capacity, which is a whole lot of dressing but luckily for the buyer, you don’t just get the fountain, you also get a year’s supply of ranch dressing. Is 12 bottles really a year’s supply, though? I challenge you to find out.

According to the The Today Show, ranch dressing got its origins when at an actual Hidden Valley dude ranch in California in the 1950s. Now it’s become the staple for drowning all things savory.

Think of the party possibilities with this impressive food fountain: Sure, it’s ideal for a BBQ or game day but it could also be the best centerpiece, ever, for your wedding. (A personal high-five from me if you actually do this.) And why not go all out? The Hidden Valley Ranch store has all your lavish salad dressing needs covered—they also sell a handmade jewel encrusted bottle of ranch. “But why?”, you may ask—to which we counter: do you really want to know?

The Hidden Valley Ranch Fountain is available online at flavourgallery.com.

Would you buy a ranch fountain for a party? Let us know in the comments, tag us on twitter @nerdist and @justjenn, and for goodness sakes invite us over.

Images: Hidden Valley

The Best Syfy-Era MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER Episodes Coming to Netflix

We’re all preeeeeeetty darn excited for the brand new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to drop on Netflix on Friday, April 14, and the streaming service giant is making sure everyone feels the same way by adding 20 fan-favorite episodes of the ’90s movie riffing series to their service on March 15! The list contains episodes representing all eras of the show, both Joel Hodgson and Mike Nelson, and will feature some stone-cold classics like Manos: The Hands of Fate, Pod People, and Laserblast. But most exciting to me is the inclusion of seven episodes from the show’s final three years, the Syfy (then Sci-Fi Channel) era.

I remember watching the show back when it was on Comedy Central, but I lost touch after a few seasons. When I found it again, once our local Denver cable provider offered the burgeoning Sci-Fi Channel, I went ham on MST3K in a way from which I’ve never returned. While everybody tends to love everything, I find that most people have affinity for the latter Joel years and early Mike years, but for me, it’s all about the years where a weird narrative continuity for the host segments was mandated, and Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV’s Frank were replaced by Mrs. Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, and Bobo.

I love all seven of these Syfy episodes included in the batch coming to Netflix, but if I had to recommend three of them to watch first for people maybe don’t know these years of the show that well, I would choose the following:

Time Chasers

This episode from towards the end of season eight does a great job of playing with the format as well as making the host segments play with the movie itself. Time Chasers is a cheesy flick made in Vermont about a guy who builds a time machine out of tiny prop airplane, and the evil corporation that wants to steal it. In the course of the movie, the “hero” changes the past and makes the present terrible. In the host segments, Crow goes back in time to convince a temp by the name of Mike not to take the job that would eventually lead him on the Satellite of Love. When Crow returns, Mike is gone and in his place is his older, crappier brother Eddie (also played by Mike Nelson) who isn’t nice to anyone, and Eddie goes and does moving riffing for a few segments until Crow goes back in time to stop himself. It’s genius in a way the movie at hand is not.

The Pumaman

I’m pretty sure I wore the tape out of this one in the late ’90s when I recorded it as the third episode on a tape that also contained The Phantom Planet and Devil Fish. A cruddy early-’80s superhero movie made by Italian filmmakers in Britain, The Pumaman (pronounced by Tom Servo as “The-pew-may-man”) is such an inept and yet weirdly delightful experience that it makes for perfect riffing. Among the best moments are ripping on the first big scene of Pumaman fighting off bad guys, the fact that his sidekick is clearly the hero of the movie, and the constant reference to round shiny things whenever the perpetually bald Donald Pleasence as the villain pops up. “It’s an egg! Oh…no, it’s Donald Pleasence.”

Werewolf

Another one I wore out in my old VCR, this episode features a terrible werewolf movie made in Arizona by people with thick European accents and way-too-dark photography. But throw in C-movie hero Joe Estevez (yes, Martin Sheen’s brother) and an actress who keeps calling them “war-welfs,” and you’ve got a hit on your hands. Some of the best host segments include the gang naming which sibling of a famous person would you put in your werewolf movie (Emilio Klugman and Chip Hitler obviously being the best) and Mike getting punctured by Crow’s basket thing and becoming a Were-Crow. Oh, and who could forget the ’50s girl-group song “Where, Oh Where-Wolf?”

While these may be my favorites, there’s 17 other great episodes to choose from. The complete list of episodes are below, and below that, why don’t you tell me what YOUR favorite episode of this bunch is, and if you all say Manos you’re not trying hard enough.

· Catalina Caper

· Eegah!

· Future War

· The Giant Gila Monster

· Hercules Against the Moon Men

· Horrors of Spider Island

· I Accuse My Parents

· Jack Frost

· Laserblast

· Manos: The Hands of Fate

· Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

· Pod People

· Puma Man

· Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

· Sidehackers

· Space Mutiny

· Teenagers from Outer Space

· Time Chasers

· Werewolf

· Zombie Nightmare

Images: Best Brains/Shout! Factory

Kyle Anderson is the Associate Editor for Nerdist. He writes the weekly look at weird or obscure films in Schlock & Awe. Follow him on Twitter!

But how big would the MST3K logo be on our actual moon?

A God Crash Lands on Earth in This Kaiju Short Film

Brent Bonacorso has been delivering fantastical, heartsick CGI short films for a while now, and his latest drops a giant alien into downtown L.A.

The Narrow World riffs on the talking head documentary style but doesn’t cling too tightly to it. It features a young Department of Homeland Security researcher (Karim Saleh), a clinical psychologist (Julia Cavanaugh), a retired Colonel (Scott Bailey Gagain), and a giant alien moping around a major metropolitan center.

At first, its appearance and passive response to its surroundings is a Rorschach test that finds some hoping for great advancement, some gearing up for war, and some searching their own souls. More than a metaphor, the alien presence is also a vision of spirituality that conjures contemplation about what it means to be a tiny speck walking through a familiar neighborhood in the shadow of a massive, walking unknown.

The design of the colossus is fun—like a metallic, cycloptic flamingo—but the alien itself is a tourist in the plot. Simultaneously the center of attention for its characters, but not the focus for the audience. There’s a poetry to how Bonacorsa has considered the variety of responses to the event, and it’s anchored by strong, mystical CGI work and a deep, clear sense of longing among the tiny humans who fill the screen.

The short film also finds some intriguing directions as we get more information. There’s not exactly a twist; it’s more of a re-contextualization that gives the characters more life and demonstrates why Bonacorsa chose the faux-doc style.

Overall, it’s fun, contemplative, sweet, and lonely. A wonderful collage to immerse yourself in. It’s also hard to imagine King Kong wanting to fight this thing.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments section.

Images: Collaboration Factory