Chris Hardwick's Blog, page 1797
March 31, 2018
TOY STORY Actors Look So Young in This Behind the Scenes Video
Toy Story really doesn’t feel like it came out that long ago. Sure, the entirety of Pixar‘s catalog has pretty much come since, but that’s rational thinking. The fact that there have only been three Toy Story movies means it can’t have been that long ago we saw the first one, right? Even though entire themed areas of amusement parks have had the time to be built since then? 1995 was…uh…wait. Twenty-three years ago? That can’t be right.
But it is. And a behind-the-scenes video of the recording sessions, posted online by Screenslam.com three years ago but making the viral rounds now, really brings it home. Sure, on the one hand you have guys like Wallace Shawn, the late Don Rickles, and John Ratzenberger who seem like they are somehow Time Lords who’ve stayed the same age forever. But then you see Tom Hanks, and to quote Tommy Wiseau in The Room, he look great, like a babyface, haha.
The real kicker, though, is seeing director John Lasseter, thin and with a full head of hair, to the point that he could almost be mistaken for Rian Johnson today. And of course he’s without his signature Pixar Hawaiian shirts, because no such thing existed. Meanwhile, it’s a heartbreaker to see the late Jim Varney, mugging for the behind-the-scenes cameras in classic Ernest P. Worrell fashion, knowing that he would only have a few years left to live.
But Tom Hanks and Tim Allen in the same studio, yelling at each other in Buzz and Woody voices like they’re on a Bosom Buddies/Home Improvement crossover? Classic.
Who’s your favorite Toy Story voice? Let us know in comments.
Image: Screenslam/Pixar
More Pixar magic!
A Disney Pixar March Madness bracket (sorry/not sorry).
Dark Horse is release an Incredibles comic.
9 things we learned about Disneyland Resort’s Pixar Pier.
Earthworm Jerky Is A Real Product You Can Buy (No, Really)
There’s so much to love about jerky: it’s easy to carry on hikes, it’s full of protein, and often it’s quite delicious, but that doesn’t mean anything and everything that can be dried and salted should be. Because no matter how much you love the stuff, there’s something inherently strange about earthworm jerky, a very real product we swear you can actually buy.
We first learned about this unusual snack at Boing Boing, and it comes from Newport Jerky Company out of Rhode Island, which specializes in “gourmet exotic jerky and delicious specialty items.” Made in Thailand and grilled with a spicy marinade, they’re not trying to sell you a bunch of genetically-modified dirt snakes, because theirs has no artificial flavoring or colors, and it’s boiled and dehydrated instead of being fried. Uh…..that’s…..good? Maybe?
You can order a package through Amazon or Walmart for around $14, or through the Newport Jerky Company for $10. Of course, if you aren’t ready to bite on some earthworms, they also have plenty of other types to lure you in. Like maybe you’d enjoy some camel jerky, that is if you can get over the hump of eating camel. Or how about emu jerky? You can chow down on it while listening to Dashboard Confessional. (Think about it….oh, wait no, don’t. That joke was terrible.)
So yeah, earthworm jerky is a real thing you can buy. Whether you’ll eat it or not probably depends on how much you actually love jerky.
Would you eat this? What’s the strangest jerky they sell? Take a bite out of our comments with your thoughts.
Images: Newport Jerky Company
Stories to worm their way into your heart…
This worm’s slimy grabber organ is gross and amazing.
Earthworms in the Amazon are four feet long and gurgle.
Watch a giant snail eat a worm whole, if you dare.
KRISPY KREME Creates a SIMPSONS Doughnut
If you love cartoons as much as we do, you’ve probably wondered what some famous cartoon foods actually taste like. What is actually IN Scooby Snacks? Would you add Popeye’s spinach to your artichoke dip? What’s the carb count on a Pac-Dot? Krispy Kreme has decided to put something to rest once and for all. We will now be able to understand why Homer Simpson drools over those pink doughnuts so much with the release of the Simpsons “D’ohnut.”
A post shared by Krispy Kreme (@krispykremeaustralia) on Mar 26, 2018 at 10:10pm PDT
Comic Book Resources reported that Krispy Kremes and 7-11’s in Australia will be selling the trademark doughnut. From the picture, it looks like it’s a sugar lover’s dream, with a cake doughnut covered in glaze, which is then covered with the classic pink frosting and sprinkles. Our mouths water just thinking about those multi-packs with the powered, cinnamon, and plain doughnuts. The D’ohnut could put us in a food coma that any Thanksgiving meal would be jealous of.
A post shared by @ candyhunting on Mar 27, 2018 at 6:52am PDT
If you happen to get your D’ohnut at 7-11, it comes in a cool packaging, with Homer swimming is a sea of them. We’re not sure what the shelf life of these are, so we can’t really recommend you buy one to eat and one to collect. We don’t think dessert follows the same protocol as comic books or action figures. Here’s hoping that the D’ohnuts popularity is such a hit in Australia that it makes its way to America so everyone can say “MMMMMM…DONUT” together in unison.
So what do you think? Are you excited about the possibility of enjoying the same doughnuts Homer has for years? Let me know on Twitter @donnielederer or avoid taking a bite of the forbidden doughnut in the comments below.
Image: Fox Entertainment
Feed your pop-culture appetite with more stories.
Is sliced ketchup the greatest thing since/for sliced bread?
Edible dice help your mouth to know your roll.
A Rick and Morty apple pie.
How 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY Is a Comedy
2001: A Space Odyssey, which celebrates its fiftieth anniversary this year, isn’t a laugh riot, but it is more of a comedy than most people realize. It’s not by accident that one of the most memorable lines of dialogue during the movie’s relatively talk-free runtime refers sarcastically to human error, and what is funnier than showcasing the absurdity, futility and the flaws that make us mortal?
Possibly the most aped, so to speak, of 2001‘s moments is its famous cut from a bone thrown into the air to a spaceship. It’s commonly described, thanks to additional information provided in the concurrently written novel by Arthur C. Clarke, as a depiction of the evolution of weaponry; a bone used to smash skulls that transitions over time to a space weapons platform. The movie, however, offers no obvious cues that it is a warship; the book pays it off by having the starchild mentally detonate all space-based artillery in the final chapter. This transition is, rather, an absurdity–a funhouse version of the creationist intelligent design viewpoint that says God must exist because it’s ridiculous to think apes became humans by random mutation. Director Stanley Kubrick sees the absurdity of bone-slinging apes becoming spacefarers in the blink of an eye, relative to infinite time, and suggests that indeed, intelligent design helped things along, but it wasn’t God…just something so advanced we would regard it as such. We are, after all, dumb apes.
Not every joke is that sophisticated. When I was a child watching 2001, I laughed at the zero-gravity toilet because, huh-huh, toilets are funny. Later in life, I though it was just part of the overall obsession with minutiae Kubrick had, and not a cheap gag. Nowadays, I tend to think it’s both: Kubrick could have indicated a lavatory without further detail, but the fact that it sports detailed instructions for using a zero-gravity toilet seems clearly designed to make the viewer imagine the difficulty, and laugh at how one of the most notable challenges of space travel might be something as simple as taking a dump. Classically, comedy is defined by shining a light on the base desires and needs that make us human, and Greek playwrights frequently used the form to bring deities down to earth…and the bathroom.
Some humor plays differently now than it did in 1968: the notion of a phone call from space costing $1.70 was funny because it was expensive; now it’s funny because it seems so cheap. The absurdity of a world in which a bush baby can be obtained easily as a pet still holds, though there’s accidental humor in the fact that the actual president in the real year 2001 turned out to be a “Bush baby.” But the notion that astronauts, upon finding an alien artifact, immediately make it their first impulse to take a picture of themselves with it? That might have been the most accurate, on-point prediction of the millennium, though Kubrick instantly smashes the human ego on display by having the Monolith promptly deafen our would-be selfie pioneers, whom we never see again.
Leonard Rossiter’s appearance as a Russian scientist might not mean much to non anglophiles–in the UK, he’s best known for starring in TV comedies, though at the time he was relatively new to them, having been a classical stage actor prior. Still, imagine Patrick Stewart suddenly showing up in a serious sci-fi movie as a nervous Russian, and you get a sense of how British audiences might have received the scene with Dr. Smyslov. Kubrick would undoubtedly have been in on the joke.
It has never been fully confirmed as to whether the name of HAL the computer is a riff on IBM, with each letter in the name being one letter prior in alphabetical order (HI, AB, LM). However, what is clear, and made clearer by the sequel and the books, though supporting evidence is onscreen in the first film, is that HAL is presented with evidence of his own fallibility. That’s a classic comedy device, and he reacts by proving just how vulnerable the humans in his care are by attempting to dispose of them. When that fails to take them all out, and the last survivor deactivates him, his fallibility is even further and more comedically exposed, as he regresses to “childhood” singing a simple song.
Other than the odd contrast that advanced aliens would assume a cold, ornate hotel suite makes a perfect zoo cage for a human specimen (intelligent design coming full circle, in a way), the final section of the film isn’t necessarily funny or satirical, but it does bring home human vulnerability in an allegorical way. We anticipate our own mortality, unlike other animals, and Dave Bowman does so literally, seeing each steadily older version of himself outside his body before becoming that next person. He’s finally “born again” in what once more passes as a funhouse mirror of a religious idea; Jesus (as far as we can tell) hasn’t renewed him as a baby into eternal life, but something has.
The final image is of a man become a godlike being, having been brought down into vulnerable positions many times over to get there. It’s the “scheintod,” or fake death, of heroic narratives that end in the hero surviving, and subsequently re-attaining divine or royal status, contrasted with the visual of a baby. We’ve seen a species develop from metaphorical infancy; literal infancy starts a whole new cycle, and new vulnerability.
Luke Y. Thompson is a member of the Los Angeles Film Critics Association, and 2001 is his favorite movie of all time.
Images: MGM
More space stuff:
Fidget spinners in space.
Come on, NASA, light my fire.
7 great classic outer space cartoons.
FUNKO Breakfast Cereals Are Coming This Summer
Attention, all you Funko collectors out there — you’re about to need to clear a lot more shelf space for the latest awesome addition to the company’s line of products. For years now, Funko has been giving us adorable little vinyl toy versions of characters that probably would not have received the toy treatment when we were kids (Freddy Krueger and Leatherface spring to mind). But if our collective childhoods were filled with toys of all shapes and sizes, they were also filled with breakfast cereals. So it’s only right that Funko now brings us the cereals we always wanted as kids but never received.
In an interview with the Coronado Eagle, via Bloody Disgusting, the toy company has revealed that breakfast cereals based on their iconic licensed brands will be on their way in just a few months. Funko founder Michael Becker revealed that this summer will see the launch of a brand new line of Funko Cereal that includes licenses that are part of the company’s POP! line. And the first cereals out of the gate will be based on Freddy Krueger, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and Beetlejuice, which is celebrating its 30th anniversary this year.
In a statement, Becker said “one of the fun things is we are about to release our own line of cereal, with a mini-Pop inside. We got all the cool licenses like He-Man, Wonder Woman, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Freddy Krueger and our own Freddy Funko. We start shipping to stores in June and we have the distribution set up and the product is pre-sold. It’s just one more of those feel-good Funko items. I used to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings while I was eating cereal. There are prizes in the cereal and it will sell for $7.99 a box. When you add milk to the Freddy Krueger cereal, it looks blood red. With the Beetlejuice cereal, when you add milk it looks like slime.” In addition, it’s mentioned that the Elvira cereal will be black as well.
The cereals won’t be available at grocery stores, only specialty outlets, much like WWE’s New Day Booty O’s. But considering that Funko president Michael Becker named dropped Wonder Woman and He-Man, expect the cereal line to go way beyond just this initial line-up. Here’s hoping we get some xenomorph from Aliens action too!
Which Funko cereal do you want to see next? Be sure to let us know your thoughts down below in the comments.
Images: Funko / David Axelson, Ryan Glenn/Flickr
More breakfast food for thought:
Ranking the top 50 cereals.
Super Mario cereal is making a comeback.
The Millennium Falcon waffle iron makes your breakfast run…on time.
March 30, 2018
How Fans Discovered a Secret WESTWORLD Trailer
Warning: There are potential spoilers ahead for Westworld season 2!
In less than a month, it will be time to “cease all motor functions” so we can watch the new season of Westworld on HBO. Unlike some other revolutions, the robot uprising will be televised; and HBO played into that with a mindbending new trailer which makes us more than a little scared of Dolores. And if the haunting cover of Nirvana’s “Heart-Shaped Box” didn’t grab your attention then perhaps this will: there’s a hidden trailer within the trailer! Today’s Nerdist News is logging into the world’s deadliest theme park to bring you the scoop!
Join guest host Amy “No-blooded killer” Vorpahl as she explains how to find the secret Westworld trailer. Apparently some sharp-eyed fans realized a supply box in the trailer was decorated with binary code. When the code was translated, it sent viewers to an in-world site for Delos, the company behind Westworld and its sister parks.
As for the secret video itself, it starts off innocently enough as a promo for Delos’ theme parks and it reminds us of an Apple Computers style ad. Then, it’s almost as if the parks’ robotic hosts hacked the feed with the most horrific footage from their violent uprising. It could scare the motor oil out of us, and we aren’t even robots. No matter what business you’re in, hanging the human guests is never going to be a good look for the brochure, and that skinless host is pure nightmare fuel.
If that wasn’t enough to whet your appetite for the new season, the video also has a code that can bring you to another part of the site, where other Westworld secrets may be revealed in the near future.
What do you think about the latest Westworld trailer? Let’s discuss in the comment section below!
Images: HBO
Check Out These Egg-cellent STAR WARS Easter Printables
If you’re egg-cited for Easter, now you can make your hunt egg-straordinary by adding Star Wars into the mix. Fun.com—purveyor of fine, geeky outerwear—has launched themselves into the egg ensemble game. No, they haven’t quite started a line of egg outfits, instead they are offering up free printables to make your Easter even more egg-cellent.
Printables include some of your favorite characters from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. The cut outs are defined by recognizable traits: Rose Tico’s hairstyle, Finn, General Leia Organa, Luke Skywalker’s beard, Rey, Poe Dameron, and Kylo Ren in full mask with crossguard lightsaber.
With Solo: A Star Wars Story hitting theaters in less than a month, it makes sense to give the cast their due with custom eggs. Not only will you get a younger Chewbaccca and a mustachioed Lando, but there’s even a Millennium Falcon egg carton ready to print out and hold the crew in place. If this paper Falcon also makes the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, imagine how this crew would do in an egg toss!
By far the perkiest printable for the season is the paper porg. How can you deny the egg-squisite face of a little porg on top of an edible egg? Make up a whole batch to act as Chewie’s co-pilots aboard the Falcon, or build a diorama recreating the infamous BBQ-porg scene in The Last Jedi. The endless possibilities are sure to take your imagination to a gal-eggsy far, far away.
Get all the Star Wars printables on Fun.com.
Which egg printable is your favorite? Pardon me while print out a bunch of these and boil a few dozen eggs. I will not rest until my lawn is covered in paper porg eggs. Let us know in the comments and tag @nerdist and @justjenn on twitter to show us how you’ll incorporate Star Wars into your holiday celebrations!
Images: Fun.com
More of the nerdy stuff you love!
Let another life-size Baby Groot dance into your heart!
A LEGO MST3K set is closer to getting movie sign !
A complete guide to the cinematic references in Star Wars: The Last Jedi!
6 Questions We Have About LEGION Before Its Season 2 Premiere
FX‘s cerebral X-Men affiliate series Legion left off on a tantalizing cliffhanger last season: David Haller (Dan Stevens), freshly clean of the parasitic Shadow King, was taken prisoner by some sort of floating metallic orb, which shrank his body and transmitted it into its shiny interior before flying away.
Obviously, this leaves us with some questions… but then again, what aspect of Legion doesn’t? We’ve rounded up all the most probing unsolved mysteries that linger from season one, and that we hope to get a bit of closure on in season two.
1. Who took David?
That’s the big question. Who in the world of Legion has the technology to accomplish such a crazy kidnapping? Fans have theorized a number of contenders, the most obvious being Division 3, which spent the entire first season looking for David. They came for him in the finale, and one of them did mention to “send the Equinox.” Is that a code name for the orb drone? We know Division 3 is also hoping to track down the Shadow King and stop him from worldwide domination, so perhaps they plan to use David as a way of finding him. We know that Summerland and Division 3 team up in season two; is David’s capture what brings them together?
There are a number of other contenders, too. Some fans assume it may be a figure from the X-Men comics, like Mojo or even Professor X himself, who we know is David’s real father. Or maybe it’s something else entirely, some Legion-esque twist we never saw coming. What we know for sure: There is a year-long time jump between seasons one and two for everyone but David, who, because time moves differently in the orb, thinks it’s only been one day.
2. How will the Shadow King influence Oliver and what is he looking for?
Melanie’s husband Oliver has had a rough go of it. Like David, he possess extreme mutant capabilities, and he spent 20 years in an astral plane while his body was cryogenically frozen. He finally woke up, and was briefly reunited with Melanie, before the Shadow King infected him and whisked him away on a road trip to “someplace warm.” Previews show Oliver basking in a sun-drenched pool with Lenny, so it looks like they made to that warm place. But how long will they be there, and what is the Shadow King’s master plan for Oliver? It’s hard to say. Oliver is, in a lot of ways, an easier vessel than David, who fought its presence intensely. Oliver’s mental prowess deteriorated during his time in the astral plane. Whatever the Shadow King has planned, Oliver may be the best way of accomplishing that task. His strong powers don’t hurt, either.
3. How will Melanie react to her husband’s disappearance… again?
Melanie spent much of season one in a state of depression over the loss of her husband. To have him and to lose him once more in such a short span of time is an extra gut-punch to the character. It’s the sort of thing that can drive a person mad, or to dangerous extremes.
Perhaps that’s another part of the reason why Summerland joins forces with Division 3. They’re looking for the Shadow King, but maybe Melanie is just looking for Oliver. We hope she’s making choices with a clear head.
4. What is the state of Summerland after the time jump?
The Summerlanders join up with Division 3… but why? Yes, to find the Shadow King, but there has to be more to it than that, right? And how does it affect the other mutants, like Syd, Cary (Bill Irwin), Kerry (Amber Midthunder), and Ptonomy (Jeremie Harris)? We know that the show changed filming locations from Vancouver to Los Angeles between seasons, and Dan Stevens said that change is reflected on the show. Will they leave the secluded forest facility and head elsewhere? What is the foundation of their group now that they’ve intermingled with the enemy? And what’s going on with Clark (Hamish Linklater), the Division 3 interrogator who David scarred and who came back with a vengeance in the finale?
5. Will we see Professor X?
This is another question everyone is asking. We got a brief tease of David’s father in a chalkboard sequence last season, and even saw a flash of his famous wheelchair. Even better, Dan Stevens appeared on an episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden alongside Patrick Stewart, who plays Professor X in the X-Men films. He asked Stewart if he’d ever consider appearing on Legion as his father. “Absolutely, 100%,” Stewart replied.
Stevens has also teased the possible appearance of Professor X in other interviews. In a chat with Collider, he said that although it won’t be on David’s mind towards the beginning of the season, “It definitely comes into play, as we move on, as it does naturally for people who discover they’re adopted.”
That sounds like a definite maybe to us!
6. Will there be more dance sequences?
According to Dan Stevens, yes! In another Collider interview, he teased that, “We have more dance involved. It just gets more and more playful.”
Can anything top the Bollywood number for season one? We can’t wait to find out when Legion returns this Tuesday, April 3 at 10 PM ET on FX.
Image: FX
More from the X-Men universe
X-Men: Grand Design reinterprets the work of Jack Kirby
Our theories on Brian Michael Bendis’ secret Kitty Pryde movie
Why do Dark Phoenix and New Mutants keep getting pushed back?
This Artist’s Boy Versions of Disney Princesses are Fantastic
In case you haven’t been paying attention lately, we live in a fairly misogynistic world. This extends from real life to the media we consume. And while women have long been allowed by society to emulate men, both in real life and in popular culture (see: Supergirl, Batgirl, Spider-Woman, etc.), how many male characters are allowed to emulate powerful women, and follow in their footsteps?
Sadly, the answer to that question is “almost none.” I’m still waiting for a teenage Wonder Boy sidekick to Wonder Woman. While we may be waiting awhile to see that happen in any official capacity, that hasn’t stopped many young male fans from looking up to powerful women in pop culture and coming up with their own versions.
Which BEETLEJUICE Waiting Room Character Has the Worst Afterlife?
On March 30th, 1988 Tim Burton’s masterpiece Beetlejuice, starring Michael Keaton as the “Ghost with the Most,” was summoned to theaters. Thirty years later the film is just as original and inventive as the day it was released. A big reason why is its wholly unique depiction of the afterlife, where rather than becoming angels or demons in Heaven or Hell, the dead must roam Earth for a period of time, exactly as they were the moment they died. And based on the movie’s amazing netherworld waiting room scenes that can mean a very uncomfortable post-life existence.
So to celebrate three decades of our favorite bio-exorcist, we’re ranking the dead characters who met untimely deaths to determine who had it the worst. That means we’re less concerned with how much they suffered during their death and more about how uncomfortable it made them after. We’re not worried about their spot on the waiting list though, because what’s the rush? Seriously, don’t steal someone’s ticket unless you’re looking for a new look.
CAUSE OF DEATH UNKNOWN
There are three characters seen in the waiting room whose cause of death aren’t obvious so they can’t be accurately ranked.
Witch Doctor
The Witch Doctor who shrinks Beetlejuice’s head for taking his spot in line doesn’t show any signs of how he died, which means it might not have been too bad other than he seems relatively young. He doesn’t have to deal with any major hindrances, unless he regrets his large headdress.
The Preacher
Seated next to the Magician’s Assistant, there are no clues about his cause of death. His purple skin could have something to do with how long he has been deceased rather than how he died (choking?), but that’s unclear. His clothes seem relatively comfortable, and his biggest issue is an eternity with that awful haircut, so he’s in great shape other than realizing his life’s work might have been a total waste.
The Green Man
In trying to figure out this alien-looking character’s death we thought maybe his green skin was a hint. Um….maybe don’t Google “gangrene.” (Trust us. Trust. Us.) Some kinds of anemia can cause a person’s skin to turn that color, but that might be a stretch. There’s some sort of weird black thing resembling a hand or monster sticking out of his chest, but we can’t be sure what it is. Out of the three unknown deaths he seems to have had it the worst. We can pretend that when he died he was wearing the mask from the Jim Carrey movie.
PRETTY GOOD FOR DEAD
Barbara and Adam Maitland
Cause of Death: Drowning after a car crash
Suffering: They were likely unconscious when they drowned, so very little.
Afterlife Status: We’re including them only to point something out–look at these two whiny dead babies! They look totally normal, they are wearing their favorite clothes, and their skin hasn’t even started turning a weird color yet. Who has it better than these two? I’m alive right now and I don’t look this good.
Juno
Cause of death: Lung cancer?
Suffering: Likely extensive.
Afterlife Status: Her clothing seems to reflect her new career as a dead case worker rather than what she probably had on when she died, so she’s looking stylish. The slit in her throat, from where she seems to have had a laryngectomy in life, doesn’t stop her from speaking normally now, nor does it stop her from smoking. She exhales through her neck, but that actually looks badass. Overall not a bad situation, other than having to deal with incompetent dead idiots who allow themselves to be photographed and lose their damn handbook!
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED…
Chicken Bone Man
Cause of death: Choking on a chicken bone at a chicken restaurant
Suffering: Short but terrible.
Afterlife Status: He’s dressed for a night out which isn’t that bad (you’re always better off being overdressed than under), but he is forced to wear a bib, which isn’t a great look. Oh, yeah, and he has a massive chicken bone sticking sideways in his throat. But when you’re dead that probably looks much worse than it is, and he can get around easily. Not to mention, he doesn’t have to worry about telling the story about how he died over and over again.
The Football Players
Cause of Death: Bus crash that killed the entire team
Suffering: They are severely cut up and mangled, so it was probably gruesome and awful, though it appears they died quickly since they still have all their equipment on rather than hospital gowns.
Afterlife Status: They are stuck wearing all their gear which is a bummer because taking off your pads after a tough game feels amazing. While initially clueless, they finally figure out what really happened to them, leading to one of the best, most hilarious lines in the film: “I don’t think we survived that crash.”
Open-Heart Surgery Guy
Cause of death: Died during heart surgery
Suffering: None during the fatal operation, since he would have been under anesthesia. Prior to surgery it might have been tough.
Afterlife Status: A big gaping wound in your chest isn’t great, but it isn’t nearly as bad being stuck in a hospital johnny. Those are always awful, they never stay shut, and you always feel naked. Oh, and you know how people say, “Wear clean underwear in case you are in a car accident?” because people are weird? That would appear to have less to do with the paramedics seeing your dirty drawers and more about having them on full display when you’re dead.
ETERNALLY ANNOYED
Sleeping Bag-Rattlesnake Lady
Cause of death: Bitten by a rattlesnake in her sleeping bag
Suffering: Bad. Really bad.
Afterlife Status: As if the shock of being bitten by a venomous snake in your sleep isn’t terrible enough, it means your hair stands straight up after you die, you are stuck living in your sleeping bag, and the freaking rattlesnake who killed you gets to hang out there too. Imagine what it would be like to do a potato sack race for an hour. How awful would it be to have to do it all the time?
Magician’s Assistant Sawed-in-Half
Cause of death: Accidentally (hopefully) cut in half by a magician who definitely heard from OSHA
Suffering: Brutal and careless.
Afterlife Status: Literally split in two. How does she get around? Can she place her top half on her legs? How easily can she stay together like that? Can her legs just go off when they want, turning her into a stump with a face? That’s all terrible, but she’s also dressed like a magician’s assistant. There’s a reason those costumes are so flashy–they only work on a stage.
(Question: Was she was murdered? She was murdered, right? If you get murdered you should get some perks in death, you shouldn’t also suffer because the magician was jealous the audience liked you more than him.)
Harry the Hunter
Cause of death: Measles….or the Witch Hunter shrunk his head
Suffering: Yes.
Afterlife Status: The good news is he can get around, he’s wearing clothes he likes, and he can even hunt if he likes. The bad news is he’s got a head the size of a lemon, he can’t speak, and it’s hard to be around him. He’s maybe the funniest looking character in the netherworld, and even among the dead he stands out as weird.
WORSE THAN DEATH
Char Man
Cause of death: Burned live, possibly after smoking in bed.
Suffering: When you hold your hand over a candle it hurts, so burning alive probably suuuuuucks.
Afterlife Status: Some people just never learn, but I guess there’s no reason for him to stop smoking now. What’s it gonna do? Kill him? This guy looks…..it’s not great. The only thing he has going for him is he can walk around, and he doesn’t need clothes since anything he’d want to cover up burned away.
Scuba Diver (and Shark)
Cause of death: Looks like a shark bite
Suffering: There’s a reason Jaws is terrifying.
Afterlife Status: It would be bad enough to die while scuba diving and then having to wear a bathing suit and carry a tank with you after, but look at that photo carefully. He killed the shark by stabbing it in the head, so they both died together, meaning he is also stuck with the shark. That’s impossibly annoying, not just because it makes getting around a pain in the leg, but because you don’t even get to enjoy the fact you took the bastard out with you. The lesson? Careful getting revenge, because in the afterlife it can come back to bite you.
Roadkill Man
Cause of death: Run over by a very large automobile
Suffering: Oh dear god.
Afterlife Status: Even the scuba diver could get himself a George Costanza scooter if he wanted. This poor guy has to be strung up like linen to get around. And he still has to work! It’s amazing his predicament didn’t flatten his sense of humor.
But what do you think? Who has it worse in death? It won’t kill you to share your thoughts with us in the comments below.
Images: Warner Bros.
More BeetleJuice!
Beetlejuice once had a much darker ending
Beetlejuice is headed to Broadway!
The perfect Beetlejuice costume for Halloween
Chris Hardwick's Blog
- Chris Hardwick's profile
- 132 followers
