Nancy E. Dunne's Blog, page 16

Three Years That Feel Like Three Minutes

Martha Ann McDonald
9 Aug 1932-21 July 2019The first year was a blur. She had been declining for a little over a month, so when my sister called me to tell me that she had passed there was a feeling of relief. she wasn't suffering. She was with Daddy, finally, which I think is what she wanted most from the moment he left us in 2018.

Then there was the pandemic. It was easy to not let the grief take over in 2020 because I was so focused on this Big Bad Scary Thing that was taking over the news cycle and driving us into our homes, separated and safe. I often said during that year that while I missed her desperately I was glad, in a way, that she didn't have to experience this time. And while that was very true, there were many times when I felt desperately alone and just needed to hear her say "Hey, Nancy," on the other end of the phone.

I was ready for the pain in 2021, but the pandemic held on a little longer, so I could put a pin in all that awful for a little longer. But this year, 2022, it has hit me and now it's almost like it is happening all over again. 

I remember with visceral clarity how small her hand felt in mine as I sat by her bed at Emory. I remember thinking that my sister was a superhero because she had now walked alongside both of our parents through this last stage of life while I just flew in and out like a hummingbird, never landing long enough to let any of the pain seem into my soul.

My mother was a force of nature kept in check by a very strict southern American upbringing. she told us that the girls in her family (of which there were three) took care of things inside the home and her brothers (also three, and all older than their sisters) took care of things outside the home. My mother didn't know how to change a tire and was very uncomfortable writing a check. She was a product of the Great Depression that came of age in the 1950s. She "didn't get the whole hippie thing" during the 1960s and suddenly found her purpose, I think, in the 1970s when her daughters were born. I honestly think that in 1971 they stopped being Hoyt and Martha and became Nancy's mom and dad...and then in 1976 that purpose was cemented when they became Susan's mom and dad.

She had bachelor's and master's degrees from the University of Georgia in English, with a concentration in Elizabethan Literature. She knew a bit of French from having to fill in for a French teacher at one of the high schools who didn't have one. She was a teacher down to her very bones, and to be honest I'm not sure which age group was her favorite. I do know that she enjoyed teaching preschool at the churches where Daddy served.

She was always my biggest fan, and truth be told I was hers even though I didn't show it. Her relationship with my father was the best example of faithfulness and love I could have had growing up, and I know that I was luckier than most.

And now it has been three years, and I am still picking up the phone to call her when I have a good report selling books or a challenging interpreting assignment. I have been adrift for three years now, and that part doesn't feel like three minutes any more than it feels like it will get better.

For all of you that have lost someone either before or during the pandemic, I see you. I hold space for you. This is hard stuff, the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I remember sitting with my sister that Sunday afternoon that she died and asking her if we were orphans now.

I still don't know the answer to that, but I will never stop missing my mom.

 

Music Monday: 80s Throwback, Part 1

Confession time: I love Survivor. I mean, I love 80s music, don't get me wrong, but...their album Vital Signs by Survivor was a revelation for teenage me, and was Most Likely To Be Played At Every School Dance when I was in high school. I know it may come as a shock since I've NEVER EVER written romance into any of my books...but I'm hopeless in that category and these songs...just...
The video for I Can't Hold Back is 80s gold, complete with big hair, leather trousers, smoky dance sequences and, of course, well fitting blue jeans. The lyrics also resonated with me in terms of the current WIP, Camp Nano Take Two, which involves one of the most complicated couples I've ever written: Valentin and Henri. Have mercy. 
Valentin is very much like Taeben from my Orana Chronicles: a villain who is motivated by misplaced notions of love and control. Morally gray? Not so much. Morally deficient? Nope, not that either. Just men who were hurt by someone in their formative years with strange ideas of what love is.
Enjoy.


I Can't Hold Backby Survivor
There's a story in my eyesTurn the pages of desireNow it's time to trade those dreamsFor the rush of passion's fire
I can feel you tremble when we touchAnd I feel the hand of fateReaching out to both of us
I've been holding back the nightI've been searching for a clue from youI'm gonna try with all my mightTo make this story line come true
Can ya feel me tremble when we touch?Can you feel the hand of fate?Reaching out to both of usThis love affair can't wait
I can't hold back, I'm on the edge(I can't hold back)Your voice explodes inside my headI can't hold back, I won't back downGirl it's too late to turn back now
Another shooting star goes byAnd in the night the silence speaks to you and IAnd now the time has come at lastDon't let the moment run too fast
I can feel you tremble when we touchAnd I feel the hand of fateReaching out to both of us
There's a story in my eyesTurn the pages of desireNow it's time to trade those dreamsFor the rush of passion's fire
I can't hold back, I'm on the edge(I can't hold back)Your voice explodes inside my headI can't hold back, I won't back downGirl it's too late to turn back now
I can see you tremble when we touchOohh, and I feel the hand of fateReaching out to both of usThis love affair can't waitI can't hold back, I can't hold backI can't hold back, I can't hold back

Music Monday: Heavy is the Crown...

I'm behind on my intro to Daughtry, admittedly. But here is one that strikes me as more Orana than Arcstone...and I'm hoping putting it out here will get it out of my head and stop distracting me. This Camp Nano is Arcstone, dang it! Enjoy.

(Captions/Lyrics in the video! Yay!)

Music Monday: Not Stranger Things. Nope.

I'm sure you've seen the Stranger Things season finale/last two episodes/massive LOTR length movie pretending to be two episodes of a television show, and that you have all the feels. Well, I'm not spoiling anything here, so I'll just leave you with something I found on Spotify the other day that slots in amazingly well to the playlist for this month's Camp Nanowrimo. 

But never fear, I have a whole bunch of ST4-related song post ideas. A WHOLE BUNCH.

Bad Romancelyrics by Lady Gaga
Want your bad romanceWant your bad romance...I want your ugly, I want your diseaseI want your everything as long as it's freeI want your love (I want your love)Love, love, love, I want your love (I want your love, I want your love)I want your drama, the touch of your handI want your leather-studded kiss in the sandI want your love (want your love)Love, love, love, I want your love (want your love, I want your love)-You know that I want you, and you know that I need youI want it bad, a bad romanceI want your love and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romance(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh)I want your love and all your lovers' revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-ohCaught in a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-ohCaught in a bad romanceWant your bad romance...Want your bad romanceI want your horrorI want your design'Cause you're a criminal as long as your mineI want your love(I want your love) love love loveI want your love (I want your love I want your love)I want your psycho, your vertigo stickWant you in my room whenYour baby is sick!I want your love(I want your love) love love loveI want your love (I want your love I want your love)You know that I want you, and you know that I need youI want it bad, a bad romanceI want your love, and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romance(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh)I want your love and all your love has revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceWant your bad romance...Want your bad romance(Na na na na! Na na-na na na! Na na na na)-Want your bad romanceI want your love, and I want your revengeI want your love - I don't wanna be friends!Je veux ton amourEt je veux ta revancheJe veux ton amourI don't wanna be friends(I don't wanna be friends)I don't wanna be friends(I don't wanna be friends)No I don't wanna be friends!(I don't wanna be friends)Want your bad romance(Want your bad romance)Want your bad romance!!!I want your love, and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romance(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh)I want your love and all your lovers' revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceWant your bad romance(Na na, na na! Na na-na na na! Na na, na na)-Want your bad romance

Music Monday:

I'm sure you've seen the Stranger Things season finale/last two episodes/massive LOTR length movie pretending to be two episodes of a television show, and that you have all the feels. Well, I'm not spoiling anything here, so I'll just leave you with something I found on Spotify the other day that slots in amazingly well to the playlist for this month's Camp Nanowrimo. 

But never fear, I have a whole bunch of ST4-related song post ideas. A WHOLE BUNCH.

Bad Romancelyrics by Lady Gaga
Want your bad romanceWant your bad romance...I want your ugly, I want your diseaseI want your everything as long as it's freeI want your love (I want your love)Love, love, love, I want your love (I want your love, I want your love)I want your drama, the touch of your handI want your leather-studded kiss in the sandI want your love (want your love)Love, love, love, I want your love (want your love, I want your love)-You know that I want you, and you know that I need youI want it bad, a bad romanceI want your love and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romance(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh)I want your love and all your lovers' revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-ohCaught in a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-ohCaught in a bad romanceWant your bad romance...Want your bad romanceI want your horrorI want your design'Cause you're a criminal as long as your mineI want your love(I want your love) love love loveI want your love (I want your love I want your love)I want your psycho, your vertigo stickWant you in my room whenYour baby is sick!I want your love(I want your love) love love loveI want your love (I want your love I want your love)You know that I want you, and you know that I need youI want it bad, a bad romanceI want your love, and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romance(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh)I want your love and all your love has revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceWant your bad romance...Want your bad romance(Na na na na! Na na-na na na! Na na na na)-Want your bad romanceI want your love, and I want your revengeI want your love - I don't wanna be friends!Je veux ton amourEt je veux ta revancheJe veux ton amourI don't wanna be friends(I don't wanna be friends)I don't wanna be friends(I don't wanna be friends)No I don't wanna be friends!(I don't wanna be friends)Want your bad romance(Want your bad romance)Want your bad romance!!!I want your love, and I want your revengeYou and me could write a bad romance(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oooh)I want your love and all your lovers' revengeYou and me could write a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceOh-oh-oooh-oh-oh-oh-oooh-ohCaught in a bad romanceWant your bad romance(Na na, na na! Na na-na na na! Na na, na na)-Want your bad romance

Music Monday: Saudade

So...it has been a few days, hasn't it? I am unapologetically pro-choice and pro-women and the actions of the SCOTUS last week have shaken me to the core. Where ya going, US? 1965? 

This song struck me as describing the feeling we all have after hearing that decision:  "Saudade is a word for a sad state of intense longing for someone or something that is absent." (Per Google) In this case, I think, it is a longing for feeling like an equal part in society...the absence of feeling like we matter, or that someone has our back. 

Of course, by Saturday we were all ready to fight...but that is a different song.

Saudade

By Maro

I've tried to write a million other songs, but

Somehow I can't move on, oh, you're gone

Takes time, alright

And I know it's no one's fault, but

Somehow I can't move on, oh, you're gone

Saudade, saudade

Nothing more that I can say

Says it in a better way

Saudade, saudade

Nothing more that I can say

Says it in a better way

Tem tanto que trago comigo

Foi sempre o meu porto de abrigo

E agora nada faz sentido

Perdi o meu melhor amigo

E se não for demais, peço por sinais

Resta uma só palavra

Saudade, saudade

Nothing more that I can say

Says it in a better way

Saudade, saudade

Nothing more that I can say

Says it in a better way

Nothing more that I can say

Says it in a better way

I've tried, alright

But it's killing me inside

Thought you'd be by my side, always

[Translation of Portuguese lyrics in verse two:]

I have so much that I bring with me

It was always my haven

And now nothing makes sense, I lost my best friend

And if it's not too much, I ask for signs

Only one word remains

Music Monday: On Grandmothers and Bananas

I'm going to revisit this year's Eurovision for today's Music Monday because I cannot help but smile when I hear this song...and I have a wolf(hound) that doesn't like bananas. Enjoy. (Hooray for YouTube videos with captions, right?)

Music Monday: I Got Nuttin

I forgot Music Monday until Wednesday last week because everything has been just too much for the past few weeks. ConCarolinas was too much fun, but it was just a temporary respite from the very sick dog I have at home. Now, a week later, she is better...but she is older and the ick was pneumonia which is hard. So...I was watching the Tony Awards and wishing, as I do every year, that I had not given up on theatre when it got hard and I was doing the thing that makes my heart happy...and I came across Paradise Square and it is now on my TO SEE list. The last note that the actor hits had me plastered to the back of the couch. I'm talking Christine from Phantom, Javert from Les Mis and Phillipa Soo in Hamilton PLASTERED. Hopefully things will be better by next Monday.

(Lyrics not added because the video has CC capability, hallelujah.)

Music Monday: The Power of Kate Bush

 If you watch Stranger Things, then you know why I titled this post what I did. If you don't, and you are somehow not familiar with Kate Bush, you need to rectify that, soon.

Running Up that Hillby Kate Bush
"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."
It doesn't hurt me.Do you want to feel how it feels?Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?You, it's you and me.
And if I only could,I'd make a deal with God,And I'd get him to swap our places,Be running up that road,Be running up that hill,Be running up that building.If I only could, oh...
You don't want to hurt me,But see how deep the bullet lies.Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.
Is there so much hate for the ones we love?Tell me, we both matter, don't we?You, it's you and me.It's you and me won't be unhappy.
And if I only could,I'd make a deal with God,And I'd get him to swap our places,Be running up that road,Be running up that hill,Be running up that building,Say, if I only could, oh...
You,It's you and me,It's you and me won't be unhappy.
"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,Let me steal this moment from you now.C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,Let's exchange the experience, oh..."
And if I only could,I'd make a deal with God,And I'd get him to swap our places,Be running up that road,Be running up that hill,With no problems.
And if I only could,I'd make a deal with God,And I'd get him to swap our places,Be running up that road,Be running up that hill,With no problems.
And if I only could,I'd make a deal with God,And I'd get him to swap our places,Be running up that road,Be running up that hill,With no problems.
If I only couldBe running up that hillWith no problems...
"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

Upcoming Event: ConCarolinas 2022

In Author's Alley, ConCarolinas '21So, this weekend is ConCarolinas in Charlotte, and while I'm a bit disappointed to not be invited to be in Author's Alley, I'm hoping for a timeslot at the Featured Author table and I will be speaking (or dying of impostor syndrome, one or the other) on four panels throughout the con weekend and one of them is about Star Trek. 

Y'all, I'm trying not to lose my EVER LOVING MIND because... Star Trek. I think we can all agree that one will be a full on struggle between what I know (having watched ST all my life) and impostor syndrome. It should at least be entertaining, right?

I will also have copies of Red with me for either the Featured Author table or to sell out of my hotel room (I'm just kidding.) (Maybe.), so come find me and grab a signed copy. I'm not bringing all of my stock this time since I'm not going to be set up for the weekend, so it will probably just be Red and Strid.

Come see me! Have Geeky Fun! Do all the things! And if you see an aging Kaylee from Firefly cosplayer hiding in doorways, just point me in the direction of the lifts and mind ya bidness. Shiny.