Kevin Hearne's Blog, page 2

Tour math

Piggybacking here on an excellent post by Chuck Wendig about why we gotta have bookstore events. It’s a great dive into the whys and wherefores and you should definitely give it a read—I nodded and said “Yep, yep, yep” though the whole thing.

Chuck’s main argument is that publishers might not be supporting bookstore events because they’re not mega profitable in the immediate spreadsheet sense, but they are actually profitable in many ways that aren’t obvious to a bean counter looking at one night’s event sales.

To be fair to the bean counters—they are correct in that events are often not immediately profitable. You have to sell a fairly large buttload to make events profitable on one night’s balance sheet. So let’s MATH a bit, then circle back to why we have to look beyond that.

A Curse of Krakens, when it comes out November 7, will be going for $32 in hardcover. It’s a big chonker of a book with a spiffy map on the endsheet. Retailers like your local indie plus bigass megacorporations buy the books from the publishers at a discount, of course, and then they sell them for cover price and have to make their payroll and such and hope there’s profit when that’s all done. This can vary a bit depending on the retailer—discounts from the publisher start at 40% but can go higher depending on volume and other stuff. But let’s imagine a new indie store that hasn’t really earned big discounts yet called Taco Bout Books. If Taco Bout Books wants to stock A Curse of Krakens, a 40% discount means it’s paying $19.20 to the publisher. So if it sells a copy to you at cover price, Taco Bout Books makes $12.80 per copy. A large amount of that is going to pay for labor and insurance and rent and utilities and shipping and such and then, if there’s any profit left over, maybe they have taco money. If you are getting any discount from the store, that’s all on them—they’re reducing their profit margin.

(Let me say right now I’m not discussing ebooks or audiobooks—they’re not usually part of bookstore event math because while some indie stores offer both, it’s not, to my knowledge, a huge slice of any pie. We’re dealing with paper copies here.)

Margins are of course slimmer on mass market and trade paperbacks because the price point is smaller to begin with. An $8.99 mass market paperback costs the store $5.39 to stock. They therefore make $3.60 per copy sold, and after you pay for overhead, there’s not even taco money left unless you are selling a huge buttload of them. There’s one indie store I know of that’s very transparent about their costs: They have to sell 3200 books a month to break even. And they often don’t make it for most of the year; they wind up depending on the holiday season to have a ridiculous couple of months that make up for all the shortfalls. Most indie stores are in this boat. Months of panic and fervent prayers that the holiday season will allow them to stay open.

But one thing—a huge thing—that helps smooth out those troughs and meet payroll is store events. Because a good event brings in a bunch of readers who might not normally walk in, and they often buy more than just one book while they’re there. That part is like, TURBO CRUCIAL. Virtual events, from all I’ve heard, don’t cut the mustard; people might buy the book that’s being promoted but they don’t buy a lot of other stuff. At in-person events, folks might buy other goodies with higher profit margins than books, too—which is why you see so many weird tchotchkes in bookstores. And then those new customers might come back again for more events and become regulars. Events are, in many ways, key to an indie bookstore’s survival. Which is why bookstores are really worried that authors aren’t having as many events, that publishers aren’t sending them, and some events are sparsely attended—events are not only what make a bookstore profitable, but financially possible. And COVID wrecked a lot of that.

More math, but from my side: Publishers pay authors a 10% royalty on the cover price for hardcovers. (Yes, there are variations in this rate, but I’m using a very common one.) So, if you buy a hardcover copy of A Curse of Krakens while I’m on tour, I’ll get $3.20 regardless of any discount you get when you buy it (because the discount is coming from the retailer’s profit margin, not my royalty.) You will, in effect, have bought me a street taco. Thank you. (Usually—again, there are variations—authors get 8% for mass market and 12% for trade paperbacks, which doesn’t quite equal a taco, but if you buy a couple of those then we will unlock the achievement: Taco.)

So here’s what’s happening: Travel is ridiculously expensive and daaaang does that eat into everyone’s taco money. You have to plane, train, or automobile to the city the event is in. You have to rent a room to sleep in. You have to eat a food or three, and it all adds up. So let’s look at what it’s gonna take to get me to my first event in Ft Collins, CO, on Nov. 7:
Flight from Montreal to Denver: $390
Rental car to get my butt to Ft Collins: ~$100
Hotel: ~$130
Three Foods for the day, keeping it cheap at an average $20 each, so call it $60
Total: $680

Who’s paying for all of that? The publisher, the author, or some combo of the two? Let’s say it’s all me (it isn’t) just to do the math on my side because I can’t even begin to do the math on the publisher’s side (I have no idea what their overhead is. Out of the $19.20 they get for a copy of A Curse of Krakens, they pay me $3.20, so they are really working with $16 to pay for their overhead, which is in New York and involves numerous editors and an art department and accounting and shipping and warehousing and printing and marketing and so on). If I am paying all costs for the trip and make $3.20 per copy, I’d have to sell 213 books in Ft. Collins to break even on my travel costs. I would be delighted, of course, if that happened, but it’s unlikely, y’all. I’m simply not that big a deal. But that math right there is why bean counters are looking at events and going, you know what? Events aren’t profitable. You have to be a pretty big deal to move 200+ books at an event. (Bookstores on the other hand are delighted with an extra 50-100 books sold on any given day.)

Lowering travel costs obviously helps—I’m keeping the rental car to get to my subsequent dates and avoiding the expense of airfare until I leave San Diego—but still. I’m not going to be swimming in tacos at any point. I’m giving away my tacos by touring. So why do it?
1. Because of all the stuff Chuck said in his blog, and it was a lot
2. Because I like people who read and want to meet them. They’re the best people
3. I love bookstores. The way they look and smell, the sheer monument to human achievement and creativity they represent, and some of them have shop dogs and I get to pet them. (Shoutout to Fern in Capital Books on K in Sacramento, CA! She is a very good dog and has her own account on Instagram, @bookstorefern)
4. I’m still amazed that people want to read my books and have me sign them. It gives me warm fuzzy feelings that counterbalance the months of existential dread and self-doubt one feels while working alone. Plus it’s good to get out of the house. Events are necessary for my well being.

I’ve been touring since 2011. Last year I did four tours—three in the US and one in Europe—and not a single one of the tours was profitable to me personally or my publisher if you look at just the event sales in isolation. Travel costs always eat up the sales. But every tour was worth it to me and definitely to the bookstores—and therefore to the publishers, if they’d like to continue to have bookstores in which to sell their products. (Every indie shop that shuts its doors is one step closer to a giant anti-union megacorp running everything.) Hopefully these tours were a good experience for readers, too—happy readers keep reading and buying books on other days than the event days, and they spread the word and more sales are generated down the road because of the events, but just because that’s impossible to track, we shouldn’t conclude that it’s not happening or that events aren’t worth it.

All of which is to say: I hope you’ll go to events. Because they’re fun, and bookstores are rad, and money isn’t the only thing we should be considering here. COVID still exists, so wear a good mask for safety. And if you can’t go to events, you can support the stores (and the authors) by preordering signed copies to be shipped to you. That helps everyone because you get a signed book without moving from your reading chair and the stores who host authors can keep the lights on and maybe buy a taco.

My tour schedule is below, and I’m super excited to see everyone. I’ll point out one event in particular—Nov. 10 in Scottsdale. A couple doors down from The Poisoned Pen is a pub called Cornish Pasty with a large outdoor seating space. I’ll be there at 5 pm before the event and there might be Irish wolfhounds there too. So please drop on by and say hi, let’s have a drink and a pasty and chat if you feel like it before we go get bookish at 7.

And go see Chuck on tour if you can! And any other authors coming to your local indie or your local B&N. Stores often have event calendars and email newsletters telling you who’s coming in the next month. Become a member of the literati illuminati! It’s fun for the whole family.

Regardless: Thank you for reading (or listening if you dig audiobooks). People who read are the bestest peeps.

Readalongs Ahoy

Prior to the release of A CURSE OF KRAKENS in November, I’ll be doing readalongs for A PLAGUE OF GIANTS and A BLIGHT OF BLACKWINGS in September and October, so whether you’re new to the Seven Kennings or want to reread and refresh and spot all the spiffiness, we’ll have a good time! You can participate live on Wednesday nights at 7 pm Eastern with me on Instagram Live, and if you happen to miss them I’ll save them to my feed so you can watch them later. We’ll divide each book up into quarters, so here’s the schedule:

September 6: A Plague of Giants Part 1, Days 1-5 (pages 1-214)
September 13: A Plague of Giants Part 2, Days 6-10 (pages 215-386)
September 20: A Plague of Giants Part 3, Days 11-14 (pages 387-534)
September 27: A Plague of Giants Part 4, Days 15-19 (pages 535-724)
October 4: A Blight of Blackwings Part 1, Days 20-23 (pages 1-176)
October 11: A Blight of Blackwings Part 2, Days 24-27 (pages 177-311)
October 18: A Blight of Blackwings Part 3, Days 28-33 (pages 312-499)
October 25: A Blight of Blackwings Part 4, Days 34-39 (pages 500-674)

So what’s a readalong? Methinks it varies! But mine will go thusly:
1) I’ll address some general goodies to look for or keep in mind—that might be thematic or something regarding the story structure or a character or dang near anything, really.
2) I’ll read a passage here and there and discuss what the heck I was thinking when I wrote it, talk about character journeys
3) I’ll address questions y’all submit via the fun little question-mark thingie at the bottom of the Live screen.
4) At the end of each book, I’ll give away my annotated copy to someone who’s participating live!

My annotated copies of A Plague of Giants and A Blight of Blackwings.

Happily, these books are in mass market paperback format, so they’re cheap! (Ebook and audio versions exist too.) You can pick them up wherever you like to buy books, but this handy landing page for A Plague of Giants will give you a bunch of places online to grab one in any format, and you can also grab A Blight of Blackwings when you’re ready. If you preorder A Curse of Krakens in any format from any vendor, you will get five bajillion good vibes, plus a free short story to download called “A Whisper of Snakes” when you submit your confirmation screen or receipt.

In case you’d like one, there are signed first edition hardcovers of A Plague of Giants available from Worldbuilders Market. Proceeds from your purchase goes to a number of humanitarian charities.

And what, pray tell, is the Seven Kennings all about? Quite a bit. How we endure and rebuild when the world crashes around us. How a nation’s priorities are reflected in who prospers and who doesn’t, whose stories are told and whose aren’t. How we can coexist with nature and each other. But the kennings themselves are deep magical ties to elemental forces that anyone can tap into if they’re willing to risk their life for it. The first kenning is fire; the second is air; the third is earth; the fourth is water; and the fifth is plant life. When A Plague of Giants opens, the world knows of five kennings and assumes there is a sixth, an affinity with animals, that hasn’t been discovered yet. A seventh isn’t even dreamed of.

I hope you and your friends will join in. There are twenty-two different narrators to love in this trilogy and they’re all kinds of people—young and old from different backgrounds, different orientations, and possessing very different goals. So let’s sink your reading teeth into a juicy epic, yeah?

Cochinita Pibil

You’ve probably had carnitas, yeah? Slow-cooked shredded pork shoulder in a suite of spices. Cochinita Pibil takes carnitas up a notch or five, a recipe hailing from the Yucatán peninsula. I’ve had it at a few taco joints now and it’s always amazing, so I had to learn how to make it at home. Cochinita is a suckling pig, which we aren’t doing, and Pibil means pit cooking, and we aren’t doing that either. So this won’t be traditional stuff—I’m using modern cheats that deliver a turbo tasty result with a bit more convenience. (If you missed my other homage to Mexican cuisine, a simplified chicken posole, you can peruse that at leisure.)

First thing: You need achiote paste. That’s the key ingredient here and you can’t switch it out with something else. But it’s not usually available in most grocery stores, so this is going to require a trip to a Latin market near you. And the trip is worth it. I checked prices: A certain giant retailer named after a river in South America was offering a 3.5 ounce package at $9.49 Canadian. Same exact product at the Latin market? $3.49 Canadian. That giant river can go eff itself.

So! Grab yourself a pork shoulder at the grocery. If you’ve never bought one before, you’ll discover that it’s pretty economical compared to a lot of other meats. I went down the US for it and got a 4 lb. shoulder for $7.76. It’s netted, and you gotta free it from the net and then cut it into chunklets about 1.5-2 inches. You don’t have to worry bigly about variations—you’re going to shred it later. The chunks help it all get cooked and tenderized properly. Throw your chunklets into your crockpot or other slow cooker. (You do this before you go to work and it’s ready when you get home.)

Now we make our marinade. Here’s whatcha need to throw into a blender:
1 3.5 oz package of achiote paste
1 cup fresh-squeezed orange juice, don’t use Minute Maid dang it
1/2 cup fresh-squeezed lime juice, squeeze it yourself
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon oregano
1 cinnamon stick—yeah, for reals

That’s the bit where you can get creative. Add other spices, onion, garlic, whatever you like. Everything is negotiable except the achiote, orange, and lime juice. If you’re doing it old-school then you’re using bitter Seville oranges, but those aren’t things you find in Canada, eh? So the combination of regular orange juice and lime juice is a workaround. I found that four limes’ worth of squeezins got me a half cup, but your mileage may vary.

Blend it on medium or high until the cinnamon stick stops making heinous crackling death screams. It will look like you killed the neighbour who lets his Chihuahua poop on your lawn and now you’re making a smoothie out of his inconsiderate heart.

Pour your bright-orange marinade over your chonks in the crockpot/slow cooker, turn that sucker on low, and go to work— AFTER you wash out that blender, post-haste, because achiote stains like a mofo.

If you wanted to adhere a bit more closely to traditional methods, you’d be marinating the meat overnight and then wrapping the marinated meat in banana leaves and cooking them in a pit. The slow cooker allows us to marinate and cook at the same.

So you’ve gone to work and made that money. You come home and your house smells amazing. Your dog, if you have one, has spent the entire afternoon drooling on all your furniture. Everything glistens. Grab two forks and put on a playlist of your favorite heavy metal, then you and your band just start shredding. (If I may suggest “Redneck” by Lamb of God, you’ll have that cochinita shredded in no time.) The pork chunklets are gonna be so tender that they’ll practically auto-execute the shred command, and once that task is finished, it’s time to go down to taco town. Oh, and remember I said that the achiote stains? I’d recommend shredding on some aluminum foil or something to protect your fine counters/cutting boards. In the picture you’ll see the chunklets on the left, shreds on the right. I placed the meat on a taco, then spooned some juices back on—get it wet. There’s a lovely sweetness to the meat because of the orange juice.

You don’t need a lot else to serve this up: Corn tortillas, pickled onions, cilantro, and That Thing You Like to Drink with Mexican food. These days I’m into Corona Sunbrews—they taste exactly like regular Coronas. Cheers, friends!

A Curse of Krakens

Epic fantasies are hard. Some of them never get finished, because dang, they’re long and difficult to write, especially if you’re trying to take the road less traveled. But I’ve finished the Seven Kennings trilogy, and the third book, A CURSE OF KRAKENS, comes out November 7. I’m super proud of it and have given myself a pat on the back for Doing the One Big Thing I Always Wanted to Do. Here’s the cover:

That’s the zephyr Koesha Gansu featured there, one of twenty-two narrators we meet throughout the series. Choosing just three of them to appear on the covers was difficult, and writing the flap copy was likewise a challenge—we wound up choosing three characters to feature for each book because we couldn’t possibly fit all the story threads in such limited space.

So how does this trilogy represent a road less traveled? Well, in terms of its structure, it might actually be unique. I don’t want to say definitively that it is, because maybe I’ve missed that someone else has already done it, but so far as I know, this is the first epic fantasy told through twenty-two first-person points of view. It jumps around in time as well, so that’s fun. Twenty of the points of view come to us courtesy of a bard, who can magically take on the physical appearance and voice of others, and he does this to weave a tale for a live audience over the course of fifty-four days, involving a war against giants and wraiths and including extraordinary animals, spies, love (all kinds), a revolution against a monarchy, and lots of cheese and mustard. The points of view feature the young, middle-aged, and seniors from a variety of backgrounds and identities. We’re not just hearing from political leaders or great warriors, either: we’re hearing from a language scholar, a lovelorn courier, an unhoused girl who slept on a muddy riverbank, and more. It was my attempt to update the experience of Homer sharing The Iliad and The Odyssey for a modern prose audience—could I give readers the chance to experience an epic in that way? And could I maybe try some other different goodies?

For example, lots of epics deal with maintaining or restoring a monarchy, a horrific system of government in which the masses are exploited for the benefit of the rich. That’s not so very different from capitalism, so those stories have their useful parallels! But what if we could try some new shit? Like, a system of government formed on the principle that compassion is the only moral use of power? Very few revolutions in fantasy are progressive, so what would that look like? I gave it a shot.

Other things I did are not unique or even unusual but rather things I heartily agree with and appreciate when I read them: There’s no sexual assault, no slavery, and queer folks get happy-ever-afters.

AND THERE ARE MAPS. I love fantasy maps. I especially love that I got to do my own. The same map appears in the first two volumes, but in A CURSE OF KRAKENS, there are two new maps to enjoy! Yeah. I geeked the heck out.

I must give enormous credit to my editor, Tricia Narwani, for her support of a project that was not the usual. If no one had ever written an epic with 22 first-person points of view before, nobody had edited one before either. She’s brilliant. And to help readers keep the narrators straight in their minds, she commissioned portraits by artist Yvonne Gilbert to be included at the beginning of each volume. Gonna give y’all a treat and show you the new portrait of Nara du Fesset, who was featured in the first two books in others’ narratives but becomes a narrator herself in book three:

Nara du Fesset by Yvonne Gilbert.

For those of you already familiar with the story, Nel Kit ben Sah’s cousin, Pen Yas ben Min, becomes a narrator in this volume, as does Hollit Panevik, the chef and owner of The Roasted Sunchuck who happens to be a firelord. When she puts down her wooden spoon and gets involved, things happen. And of course you’ll get to enjoy the return of favorites like Tallynd, Abhi, Hanima, Gondel, and Daryck. Please spread the word and get your friends on board, eh?

For those of you who aren’t familiar yet, the Seven Kennings begins with A PLAGUE OF GIANTS and continues with A BLIGHT OF BLACKWINGS. I hope you’ll give it a try, especially now that you know it’ll be completed. Thanks so much for reading and sharing—it means the world and I appreciate you.

Update on the situation

Hey y’all, thanks so kindly for your donations to Ayesha’s care and the sweet messages you’ve been sending along. We appreciate you so much. I have some updates!

Ayesha is currently undergoing chemotherapy for the leukemia and it’s successfully reducing the “blasts” of T-cells. The goal is to get that calmed down so that a bone marrow transplant can happen, and so far, things are on track. We sent out the first big batch of books just before Christmas, and we’re getting the second big batch ready now. We’re ready to take orders for the third big batch!If you’d like to donate $50 to Ayesha’s medical expenses (because American healthcare is hella expensive), I’ll give you a signed book from my author copies, shipping included, for every $50 you donate. You just donate here, screenshot your receipt, and email the screenshot along with a shipping address (that’s very important) and your book request to treats@kevinhearne.com. (And yes, we do ship internationally, we’ve already sent stuff to Germany and Norway.) Because the first books in series are (for obvious reasons) the first to go…I’ve run out of those. But I have good numbers for a lot of other titles! Please see the list below to aid you in making your request. And thank you so much again. I’m out of Blackwings hardcovers—the ones you see are spoken for—but you can see the mass markets up front and the UK editions in the back—those have different cover art and are slightly larger.

Key:
HC = Hardcover from Del Rey
SP HC = Subterranean Press Hardcover edition (exclusive cover and interior art)
TPB = Trade Paperback (larger sized paperback)
MMP = Mass Market Paperback (the “normal” smaller sized paperback)

Hounded: 8 SP HC
Hexed: 3 SP HC, 5 TPB
Hammered: 20 SP HC, 7 TPB
Tricked: 17 SP HC, 8 TPB
Trapped: 20 SP HC, 8 TPB
Hunted: 25 SP HC, 8 TPB
Shattered: 27 TPB
Staked: 25 TPB
Besieged: 19 TPB
Scourged: 1 HC, 24 TPB, 5 MMP
The Purloined Poodle: 5 SP HC
The Squirrel on the Train: 3 SP HC
A Question of Navigation: 2 SP HC
Ink & Sigil: 0 (sorry, out of stock)
Paper & Blood: 12 HC, 23 TPB
A Plague of Giants: 0 (sorry, out of stock)
A Blight of Blackwings: 17 MMP, 15 UK editions (TPB)
Kill the Farm Boy: 9 HC (out of stock of the TPB)
No Country for Old Gnomes: 6 TPB
The Princess Beard: 1 HC, 3 TPB

We all win!

I’ve written a few books, y’all, and the author copies have piled up over the years. There are literally piles of them now in my guest room. Makes it difficult to have guests.

This is only one side of the room; I have lots more out of frame. Note the rare copies of The Purloined Poodle.

You might like a signed copy or five for yourself or some buds. You might like a signed bookmark too, heck, why not? And, it turns out, I have a friend in need. Kimberly’s best friend, Ayesha—maid of honor at our wedding, an awesome nurse and spiffy mom—has had a rough few years. She discovered she had breast cancer at the start of the pandemic and beat it, but now she has leukemia and is currently undergoing chemo and soon after that, a bone marrow transplant. That’s expensive stuff. So maybe we can all help each other a bit here? You get signed goodies, Ayesha gets some help, and I get my guest room back. Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll pay for the shipping to wherever you are. You donate $50 to Ayesha’s bills for each book you want, screenshot your donation receipt, and email that to treats@kevinhearne.com along with a request for a book (or books) and your shipping address, and we’ll get it in the mail. And Ayesha will get better. Thank you so, so much for considering it.

Here’s my inventory of what’s available—obviously, if we run out of a title we’ll email you to ask for an alternate choice. Some super neato stuff in here, like hardcover special editions from Subterranean Press. Those I will mark as HC (SP), and if it’s just HC, that’s from my main publisher, Del Rey. Key:
TPB—Trade Paperback (the new colorful ones from Del Rey with all the goodies)
MM—Mass Market (small paperback)
HC—Hardcover

Hounded: 41 HC (SP)
Hexed: 15 TPB, 3 HC (SP)
Hammered: 15 TPB, 20 HC (SP)
Tricked: 11 TPB, 17 HC (SP)
Trapped: 11 TPB, 20 HC (SP)
Hunted: 14 TPB, 25 HC (SP)
Shattered: 27 TPB
Staked: 25 TPB
Besieged: 22 TPB
Scourged: 24 TPB

The Purloined Poodle: 17 HC (SP)
The Squirrel on the Train: 8 HC (SP)
A Question of Navigation 4 HC (SP)

Ink & Sigil: 2 HC, 9 TPB, 8 German translations, 4 Czech translations
Paper & Blood: 12 HC, 30 TPB

Kill the Farm Boy: 9 HC
No Country for Old Gnomes: 1 HC, 6 TPB
The Princess Beard: 1 HC, 3 TPB

A Plague of Giants: 0 (Oh no!! I’m sorry)
A Blight of Blackwings: 6 HC, 17 MM, 15 UK TPB editions

The New MicroBloggin’ Space

So this dude had $44 billion, and instead of helping people with all that money or even allowing his workers to unionize and earn a decent living, he decided to buy and destroy a social media platform.

I’m honestly okay with it—Twitter was already toxic and unfun. The ability of things to go viral was occasionally a good thing, but more often what happened was people dogpiled and harassed and spewed inflammatory stuff to get engagement and…yeah. It was icky. So my account is active, but I don’t visit it and it’s just gonna sit there until such time as Twitter becomes viable again (which may never happen).

In the meantime, I’m still on Instagram (username @kevinhearne) but have also set up a space at Mastodon. My username there is @kevinhearne@ohai.social if you’re already tooting. And if you’d like to sign up for the platform—you can use any server and still follow me—here’s an invitation.

What I’ve started to do—and will continue to do—is check out some hashtags to find folks who will be sharing nature photos and giving them a follow. I’m following a few journalists as well. I’ll of course be talking about books and tacos and so on too, but mostly I’m interested in this new space that’s sort of designed from the ground up to limit toxicity. I’m not sure how to find other writers very well yet, but hopefully I’ll get that figured out soon. I hope to see you there.

Billionaires shouldn’t exist. That is all.

Citizenship

Today I became a Canadian citizen. Still an American citizen, of course. But I guess you could say I’m able to Dual Wield now. My family’s incredibly happy about this, as am I.

From time to time people ask why I moved, so I thought I’d write this post as an answer so I can just deploy a quick link whenever it comes up. The list of reasons is in no particular order. Here we go:

I haven’t paid a dime for medical insurance in five years and even if I get sick, I’ll never go medically bankrupt. Not writing a check to ghoulish profiteers and not worrying about how much my rates are going to go up this year and not worrying about what’s covered is the fucking best for reals. Like, seriously, USA, you should try this shit. It feels great. Also? People in Canada live longer. Argue about systems all you want, throw around words like “socialism” as if that label automatically disqualifies something from being considered seriously, but you’re likely to live longer in Canada, period. So Canada wins.Did you know that kids in Canada go to school and don’t have active shooter drills? And that when the rare mass shooting does happen, the government responds with more than thoughts and prayers? Gun ownership is allowed in Canada, but it’s heavily regulated. And so folks can reasonably expect to live their whole-ass lives without getting shot. One less problem to worry about. And again: It feels great.Regarding college, Canada doesn’t get the sweet deal of many European countries where it’s basically a few hundred Euros a year, but compared to the US it is a bargain. The yearly tuition of where my kid was going to go in the US was $24,000. But in Canada, my kid is attending college for $7400 a year. So that’s less than a third of the cost. They can graduate without crippling debt. Holy shit! Does that feel great? Yes, it does.Human rights are superior in Canada, and both rights and freedoms are quantifiable things. There’s a Freedom Index, in fact, that breaks it all down, and Canada is the sixth freest nation in the world. The US, which has that bit in the Star-Spangled Banner about being the Land of the Free, isn’t even in the top ten. It’s number 15. And I’m sure that ranking is going to drop next year, once they take into account all the rights and freedoms that have been taken away from women and LGBT folks this year. Canadian citizens get to vote. You don’t have to register and you don’t have to worry about one political party trying to throw up obstacles to your vote or purging voter rolls, because you’re registered automatically and Canada sends you a postcard with details about where and how to vote and that’s it. No shenanigans! When I mention voter suppression tactics my Canadian friends are like, wait, what? That’s a thing? And of course it absolutely is in the US. Voter suppression, along with gerrymandering, Fox News, and insane amounts of dark money, is how the GOP has engineered their minority rule so far out of step with the general population’s wishes. There’s no Fox News. I mean, yeah, there are right-wing batshit white supremacist folks here—some really nasty ones too—but there’s no major network steadily poisoning the minds of millions with fascist propaganda. It makes a huge difference in political discourse. The general vibe here is some spirited argument about how do we make things better for Canadians. In the US you have one side trying to be as cruel as possible to anyone who isn’t straight, white, rich, or Christian, and the other side is just sorta fundraising off that, as in “help us stop them from being such huge dicks. We won’t do anything helpful or progressive, but we’ll at least stop those dicks if you send us money.” I cannot emphasize enough how nice it is not to have the national conversation entirely consumed with HERE’S HOW WE’RE GONNA BE DICKS TODAY versus OH NO YOU DON’T YOU DICKS. People actually talk about art and music and improving public transportation here, and it’s so gentle on my psyche compared to the daily bloodsport in the US. Water. Sorry for the incoming bummer, but uh…climate change is going to be kicking our asses for a long time. And if you look ahead, fresh water is going to be scarce. The American west is already hurting for it and it’s not going to be better next year or the years after that. Where will all the fresh water be? Canada. And where, in general, will it be more pleasant to live as things heat up? In the north.This isn’t a thing I moved for, because how could I know? But dealing with drivers licenses and registration and stuff is far simpler and cheaper here than the US. I remember pissing away four hours of my life waiting at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Haven’t had to wait for anything here more than ten minutes—and that’s when I couldn’t do things at my convenience online.Butter tarts. Until you’ve tried them you won’t understand.

None of the above should be taken to suggest that Canada is perfect. It ain’t. I think most Canadians would agree. There are lots of issues to work on here. And there are lots of wonderful things about the US that we love and miss sometimes. But items 1-6 are why we moved, why we love living here, and why we’re happy to be Canadian now.

If you happen to be someone who’s interested in moving, here’s what we did that might help you out: We used an immigration lawyer who charges a flat fee with a money-back guarantee. In other words, if they accept you as a client and you follow their instructions and somehow don’t get in, you get your money back. So obviously, they won’t take you unless they’re positive they can get you in. If you head to their website, they have a free questionnaire you can take that determines whether you’d be a good fit or not. Go visit Abrams & Krochak if you want to check it out. You become a permanent resident first, and then after three years you can apply to be a citizen. We wish you all the best, eh?

Iron Druid Trade Editions

Available now: The Super Mega Turbo Spiffy Ultra Rad editions of the Iron Druid Chronicles, books 1-3!

The whole series will be reissued this year in groups, and each book has been revised/expanded and almost every one also has bonus material never in print before—a total of seven short stories and three novellas. Here’s the release schedule and what they’ll have:

March 15:
HOUNDED: “Kaibab Unbound” and “Clan Rathskeller”
HEXED: Grimoire of the Lamb
HAMMERED: “A Test of Mettle”
June 14:
TRICKED: Two Ravens and One Crow
TRAPPED: “The Dead Flea Scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy of Poochism” (Oberon’s religion for dogs)
HUNTED: This is the only one with no bonus goodies, just revised/expanded text
September 13:
SHATTERED: A Prelude to War and “The Book of Five Meats”
STAKED: “Granuaile’s Notebook”
BESIEGED: “The Naughtiest Cherub”
SCOURGED: The Buzz Kill

The ebook editions will also contain these bonuses. Audiobooks will not, though those of you who are already longtime listeners will recognize that almost all of those bonuses in print are already available in audio. There are four short stories up there, however, that aren’t, and won’t be, in audio. These print editions are basically the deluxe cat’s meow. But don’t tell Oberon I said that.

That Atticus mini is a custom paint job by my friend Alan O’Bryan, with just an insane amount of detail on it for a model that size. LOOKIT THE TATS

The cover art will be all new and consistently designed on the spine so you won’t have the titles and name switch at book seven. YES! Cover artist Sarah J. Coleman and designer Ella Laytham have done absolutely gorgeous work on these and I couldn’t be happier.

Basically, these editions are the equivalent of “The Director’s Cut” in movies, since we are including all the novellas and putting them in chronological order for you. I hope you’ll enjoy them, get a full set for yourself and your buddies, maybe another full set for your dog, and sort of quiver and hum happily whenever you see them on your shelf.

Would you like signed copies? If you call ahead and specifically ask for a signed copy in advance of my arrival there, the following indie stores will have me sign copies for you and ship them to you wherever you are:

The Strand Bookstore in NYC on 3/16. Phone: 212-473-1452
Savoy Bookshop and Cafe in Westerly, RI on 3/17. Phone: 401-213-3901

Thanks so much for reading and please give your doggies a belly rub for me. May harmony (and sausage) find you.

Grandma’s Cornbread Stuffing

Juuuust in case you’d like to try it—Stove Top ain’t doing it for you, or whatever—here’s the recipe my family has always used from my late grandmother (who was the inspiration behind the Widow MacDongah in the Iron Druid Chronicles). It uses basic stuff, nothing fancy, because it’s a recipe born in the Great Depression. It just requires a wee bit of planning.

This is made of cornbread and biscuits in a 2-1 ratio. You can make the cornbread and biscuits from scratch or use a mix. In days of yore, we used a cornbread mix—making two batches—and one batch of Bisquick biscuits. Cornbread mix is bizarrely not a thing in Canada, however, so we have to make our cornbread from scratch now. Either way, you make all the carbs the day before you’re going to make your turkey, whether it’s for Thanksgiving or Christmas or [insert special occasion here].

Two batches o’ cornbread to one batch biscuits: The golden stuffing ratio

And once you’ve baked your batches o’ carbs, you break them all up into a bigass bowl and mix together with some salt and pepper and a buttload of sage. Like…a whole thing of ground sage. We don’t go easy on that one. I’m talking one of those 18g rectangular coffins full, not a ginormous bottle of it. Still, on the small coffin it says “use sparingly” and we’re like, “Listen, mothercustard, we’re gonna sacrifice every last microgram of your plant-based ass to the God of Stuffing.” If you have some poultry seasoning, you can throw that in too—not necessary, but if you have some on hand and have always wondered when you were gonna use it, now’s a good time. Shake it like a Polaroid picture in there. Mix well, cover with a towel, and forget about it overnight, because you’re gonna finish it in the morning before you stuff your turkey.

Crumbled cornbread and biscuits, salt, ground pepper, and a buttload of sage. Cover and leave overnight.

So, kablam—you’ve woken the next day, you’ve slurped down a coffee or five, and you’re ready to get some major poultry going. It’s time to finish off that stuffing. Get out your cutting board.

Chop up a white, yellow, or sweet onion, fairly fine, but not minced—we’re not making hot dog toppings here. (Red onion is Against the Law for this recipe, it ain’t gonna taste right.) Then chop up some celery into chunks. 4-6 stalks, I guess? You throw all that into your big bowl of carbs and sage, which has dried up a bit overnight. That’s okay. You want that. Because now you’re gonna moisten it. Aw yeah, it’s gonna be plenty moist, don’t you worry. Let me say that one more time for everyone who enjoys it: Moist.

Pause to wash your dang hands. I mean, you should have done that already. But really. Do it again. The clinically safe fifty thousand seconds or whatever it is. Because it’s gonna get messy.

We wound up using three eggs rather than the two pictured and a few wee splashes of chicken broth.

Crack two (or maybe three!) eggs in there and then smoosh them into the stuffing. You just grab fistfuls of the carbs and let the proteins in the eggs bind them so it clumps together. You don’t want the cornbread and biscuits to be sodden, but you don’t want a mess of dry crumbs either. Just hanging together in bunches, you know? This is where you have to make a judgement call. If the 2-3 eggs weren’t enough to make it all work, add sparing splashes of chicken broth (or veggie broth if you have vegetarians in the family, this will make sense in a bit) to ensure your stuffing has become cliquish, shall we say. Again, not sodden balls of sadness! It’s a balancing act.

Should look and smell like some tasty stuff after you mix and squish!

Now, unless you have an absolute hulk of a turkey, you’re going to have more stuffing than you can practically stuff into the bird. You should have enough to stuff both the cavity and the neck and adorn the creases where the legs meet the breast and still have plenty left over. That leftover you’re going to bake on its own in a baking dish, and if you have vegetarian family members, this is where using vegetable broth above comes in handy. You can grease up that baking dish with butter and rock it for a half hour or so after your turkey is out of the oven. You want it to cook until the top is crispy. And that’s what we usually wind up serving, along with the stuffing from the top of the turkey. Because…

Moisture from the bird is gonna make the stuffing inside SUPER moist—which is why you don’t want it to be especially juicy to begin with. Some folks like it that way—which is cool, more power to them—but we like to have the drier baked stuff ready too. This glorious carbfest is amazing at the main event with gravy, and fantastic later reheated or deployed on turkey cranberry sandwiches, what have you.

Bookmark for the day you need it, and enjoy!