R.E. Bradshaw's Blog, page 6

The teacher says thank you.

“Demolition time,” two words that can turn a group of teenagers into a horde of working minions. When it was time for a set to come down, stagecraft students were at their best and worked their hardest, because it was damn fun. I thought of my students today, as I stared at the heating and air conditioning unit I was disassembling. I laughed all by myself, standing there looking around for Tray – or Lindsay, Christen, Wyatt, Skelly, Pony Boy, Trout, Tom, (Alex and Mike, stay in the booth, we got this,) and so many others I’m sure I’m offending by leaving out and too numerous to name – so I could say, “I’d really like to see that gone.”A statement like that would be met with a wide grin and a question, “We’re not saving any of it?”To which I would respond, “Do not hurt each other. Stay under control, but yeah, DESTROY THAT SUCKER!”Oh, to unleash the pent up emotions of a teenager on a seek and destroy mission is an amazing thing to watch. It is also fun as hell to participate in. It gets rather tedious toward the end of the project, when the mess the destruction created has to be cleaned up, but swinging a sledge hammer at something is cathartic, I don’t care how old you are. I miss those moments with those kids. We had good and bad times together, but mostly I remember the laughter. I remember the smiles, high fives, and hugs for a job well done. I also remember standing in the wings, beaming with pride, as those kids dressed in black, the stagehands, made the magic happen. I was proud of the performers too, but they received praise from an audience that saw their work. Only those of us privileged enough to be backstage can know the hard work and dedication it takes to live up to the adage, the show must go on. “They’re the first to come and the last to leave,” as Jackson Browne said, “Let the roadies take the stage.” I bow to those kids dressed in black, the unknown faces behind the scenes. They are not unknown to me. I will remember them long after the lights fade on the stage. I receive thank you notes from former students, and I always wonder if they know how much I owe them. I owe them moments of remembrance, smiles and laughter I will never forget, and the knowledge that I did something good once. I owe them moments like the one in the backyard today, when I smiled and thought of them. I owe those performers for the smiles that overtake me when I hear a song from a show we did together. I owe my students for helping me to remember to laugh, to seize the day, and to swing that sledge hammer every now and then.I am totally enjoying my new career, but there are moments when I remember why I was a teacher. I’d like to thank my students for that.

Contributions from the Closet

Here I am again, commenting on an icons passing. Sally Ride, America’s first woman to fly in space, passed away today at sixty-one. That is so young. She had so much more to give and she gave plenty. Her Sally Ride Science programs have educated countless children. Her contributions to society were numerous. That’s why I was saddened to read a comment on a Facebook post concerning a Huffington Post article.The article’s title: “Sally Ride, First American Woman In Space, Revealed To Have Female Partner Of 27 Years.” I won’t go into the article, just the comment I read. The comment stated, “Too bad she didn’t come out before she died. She could have helped so many.” That struck a chord in me. My first thought – What about the people she did help?It’s hard for people to understand what it’s like to work in education, and at the core, that is what Sally did. Sure, there are districts that openly support all employees, regardless of sexuality. Amen to that. There are many more that outwardly support progressive anti-discrimination policies, and inwardly drive out suspected homosexuals with abandon. If they want you gone, they will find a way. It’s not just in education, but that is my focus here.Yes, if you can live your life freely, be exactly who you are in any given situation, then halleluiah! Please, by all means, set positive role models for the community. Give these children someone to look up to. Show them there is nothing to be ashamed of, that it does get better.But perhaps your contribution to the world involves teaching children. Trust me, as a former teacher; my sexuality was of no concern to the students. The parents on the other hand, were not so indifferent. I taught a lot of kids. I’d like to think I made a difference in their lives. I know I did for some of them. They have told me so. Some even credited me with keeping them alive through high school. My question is, was my contribution less important or meaningless because I was not OUT to the world? Had I been an out lesbian, I would have never been allowed to darken the door of my school. Who would have taken my place? Would the outcome of some of those children’s lives have been changed by my absence?Too often I think we put so much passion into calling people out, we forget that many people toil in the closet because they have so much to give that would be taken away if they lived openly. I’m not talking about personal wealth. I’m talking about the lives they change every day just by being there. Yes, my sexuality is a big part of who I am, and I was always saddened that I couldn’t share my happy life with my students, but what I could share, I did. I am out now, and out of teaching, so I do know how wonderful it feels to just be me. I now live my life openly and I hope have inspired some others to do so as well, but I don’t see my time in the closet as less of a life, just a different one.Sally Ride chose to keep her personal life out of the public eye. Yes, it is sad that she couldn’t let the world know she loved and was loved by a woman. Yep, too bad she didn’t come out, but yes, she helped many in the way that she could. It’s not as cut and dry as advocates would like to think. The “You’re hurting the community by staying in the closet” mentality does not take into account the many contributions made by people who remain closeted for whatever reasons. The universe may have put them where they are to save a soul, you never know.I long for the day when these come out or stay in conversations are unnecessary, but don’t judge someone for keeping their closet door tightly closed. You don’t know the path they walk until you walk it. One day, when all the doors are open, the violence and discrimination over, a little girl will look to the sky while her mother tells her of the brave Sally Ride, the first woman in space, and all the amazing things she did. That kid won’t care who Sally was sleeping with. She'll just say, "Wow! What an awesome name for an astronaut!" Ride on, Sally, ride on. 

Honky Tonk Angel

Kitty Wells died today. Some of you may not know the “Queen of County Music.” You should look her up. She was the first female to top the country music charts. Miss Kitty paved the way for Dolly, Loretta, Reba, and all the women of country music that followed in her footsteps. There would have never been a Patsy without Kitty. She has gone on now, joining her friends from the Hall of Fame, the innovators that made it possible for the young stars of today to live like kings and queens. These were the people that toured the dirt back roads of America, sleeping in cars, singing for enough money to make it to the next town or radio station, selling vinyl records out of the trunks of cars. When you’re talking about the roots of country music, you can’t have the conversation without mentioning the Queen, Miss Kitty Wells.When I think of Kitty Wells, I hear the music of my childhood. My grandparents were quite good musicians and their house was always packed on Saturday nights with pickers and crooners – guitars, fiddles, banjos, mandolins, if it had a string on it, I saw someone play it, and there were accordions, spoons, jaw harps, harmonicas, even saw blades made to sing like violins. Grandma banged out the tunes on an ancient upright piano. They shared old songs, passed down through generations. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was seeing and hearing American history in music. These were the instruments and songs that sang America into being. These were the songs of my ancestors.Occasionally, they’d play a song I had heard on the radio. I sang along with renditions of tunes by Patsy Cline, Hank Williams, Ray Price, Johnny and June Cash. I learned to love Bob Wills, Bill Monroe, Momma Maybelle and the Carter Family, Roy Acuff, Ernest Tubb, but most of all I learned to love country music. I love the stories the songs tell, not only in the lyrics, but in instruments themselves. Musical instruments have carried the soul songs of the many cultures that have walked this earth. Guitars and fiddles have carried mine.So when I read that Kitty Wells had passed away, I heard her voice clearly, singing her signature song, “It Wasn’t God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels.” Another country music icon is gone, but her music will live on through the voices of the younger generations. I’m just hoping those country music stars remember to thank her and the others when they step up on those multimillion dollar tour buses. I also hope they remember folks like my grandparents and their parents, who kept the music alive before recordings, before radio, passing it down generation by generation. They were country, when county wasn’t cool.Heaven might have a hell of a Rock and Roll band, but I bet the spirits will be pickin’ and grinnin’ at the old Ryman Auditorium tonight, welcoming home the Queen of County Music. Thank you, Kitty Wells, thank you for the memories.

The Oklahoma Spirit

     Been up since 5 a.m. working on this novel. This is the best part, when I can't lie in bed, eyes flying open with an idea at the crack of dawn. So, I take my cup of coffee out to the porch, while the dogs (and one crazy ass cat that I can't leave alone because he beats up the neighbor dog,) wander around eating grass that I know I will clean up from the floor later. It's quiet in the morning, even in the middle of a major metropolitan area. I always say, Oklahoma City is the smallest little big town you'll ever see. It has that feel about it. People are generally nice, especially fully rooted, honest to goodness, Oklahomans from way back. It was no surprise that this state would embrace an NBA team, not just because they are pros and winning (the arena was full when they weren’t winning,) but because these folks appreciate hard work and team play.     It’s in the nature of Oklahomans to be helpful and supportive in the community. We may not all agree with the politics of the state, but in a time of need, no one asks what you do for a living, what church you go to, or whom you’re sleeping with. Just read stories of how this community pulled together after the bombing downtown. It was a miracle to behold. It’s no wonder that this state fell in love with a basketball franchise, whose motto is “TEAM.” That unselfish, we are one people theme is repeated throughout this territory’s history. They may squabble amongst themselves, but when faced with a communal need, rise together as one. It began a long time ago with the people from which the state gets its name, Oklahoma, a combination of the Choctaw Indian words "okla" meaning people and "humma" meaning red. The American Indian valued community and family above all else.     I guess when you live in a state where your house could be there one minute and gone the next, people learned to depend on one another. Weathermen out here are like rock stars and get plenty of face time. My recent wrangling with an Oklahoma storm was an experience I do not want to repeat. Yesterday, the weathermen called for a “windy” day. A simply “windy” day out here was tossing my Hummer around like a hot wheel car. The weather is unpredictable even with the best in weather technology. I went to work one day in shorts and came home that evening to six inches of snow on the ground. Will Rogers, a native son, said, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute and it’ll change.” Every year communities are devastated by storms, and every year folks rally and build them back. It’s in their nature, this hearty stock, a mixture of Native Americans and pioneers. Perseverance is part of their ancestral inheritance. They call it the "Oklahoma Spirit."     Anyway, early in the morning and at dusk, it's quiet around here. I guess I’ve learned to tune out the highway just a block away, but even the tire and muffler noises are diminished at those hours. There are lots of trees in my neighborhood; big, old growth trees that somehow manage to keep growing back in the wake of the storms screaming in from the plains, ravaging them repeatedly. The trees around here are full of all types of birds. I regularly see Blue Jays, Cardinals, Pigeons, Finches, Sparrows, Black and Red birds, many I don’t know the names of, and am entertained daily by the antics of the Great Tailed Grackles that have taken up residence in the tree across the street. Then there are a plethora of squirrels. I’m not a fuzzy tailed rodent fan, but they are funny, chasing each other through the trees, tight walking down the power lines, taunting the dogs from tree trunks, chattering at them from just out of reach.      Late at night, it’s eerily quite. Trains, unheard in the daytime, wail their lonesome calls into the night sky, where it is carried on the wind, echoing through the sleeping town. The raccoons, skunks, and possums come out to play, foraging for a nightly snack. It’s in those moments of quiet, the sounds of man a distant humming, that I find myself wondering what it was like to be here before the settlers came. If I close my eyes, I can imagine I’m in the wilderness, listening to nature all around me. As we drove away from the city yesterday, out into the rolling hills, I imagined what a magnificent land this must have been once, before modern humanity left its mark. There is an old American Indian proverb, attributed to no tribe in particular, that states, "Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children."     As I sat on the porch this morning, I thought about the Native American people I’ve been researching for this next novel. I wondered what they would think of us now. If some of the legends are true, these “beloved,” those that have gone on before us, are here in the land, the trees, the grasses, and flowers that bend in the wind. What must they think of a people who are so divided down political lines that they’ve lost sight of the real message of faith, love one another. I wonder why it is only in times of great struggle that we put aside our differences and work as one for a common cause. Shouldn’t our cause be to leave a better world for our children? If only we could stop yelling at each other and begin to listen, we might actually accomplish something.      People often ask me why I don’t move out of the reddest state in the union, because I’ll never be treated as equal due to my sexuality. I am planning to retire back to North Carolina, but not because I feel defeated here amidst the predominately extreme right wing politics. North Carolina has its own conservative problems to clean up. It simply is my homeland, and I am privileged to be able to go back there. I will stay here in Oklahoma for the time being and make the best of it. Just living my life is an example to those who would condemn me to hell. The more Oklahomans that know me as a real person, with a loving family, the more of them we sway to look beyond the offensive, archaic dogma. Not too many years ago, people stood on this same soil and called for the extermination of the entire native population, deemed savage and unholy. Now, people proudly proclaim any minute blood relation with the tribes and an American Indian warrior sits proudly on the top of the Oklahoma State Capital building. If the Native Americans could learn to love their white brothers, after years of broken promises, displacement from their homelands, and the loss of an entire way of life, then anything is possible. I believe that one day, (Okay, I'm not naive. It will take a long time,) these people will join together and find the peace in simply learning to live together, one family, one community. I believe in the Oklahoma Spirit.

Dicks, Weenies, and Ding Dongs

     Reading the article about Rep. Lisa Brown being banned indefinitely from speaking in the Michigan house brought back memories. Rep. Brown made the mistake of using the medically accurate, anatomically correct word "vagina" during an impassioned speech objecting to Michigan’s new abortion law. I’m not going to talk about how ludicrous all the debates about women’s reproductive rights in the US are. We all know these laws are being written and passed by men with very little input from women, but it did remind me of an incident when my son was four years old.     Jon was attending a Montessori kindergarten at the time. Now, you must understand that Jon was a precocious little boy, never afraid to speak his mind, and always a bit mentally older than his peers. I didn’t baby talk to him and spent the time to explain things, never wanting to use the phrase, “Because I said so.” I wanted him to learn to reason and think for himself, seek answers and not be afraid to ask why. He bought into that pretty quickly and was forever questioning things, but respectfully. He was just one of those kids that had to know why. Once explained, he would generally go on about his business with no argument. Then I got the call from the school to come right away. Jon was in big trouble. You may ask, how much trouble could a four-year-old get into at school?     When I arrived in the principal’s office, the staff was in a tizzy. Displayed prominently on the desk was a Gingerbread Man. Now, this was no ordinary Gingerbread Man. This particular confection was displaying a male appendage not often found in your local bakery. It seems the class had made the cookies that afternoon. Upon hearing that they were to make a man out of the cookie dough, my son, God love him, made an anatomically correct man. I could not help but laugh as the principal, very seriously explained that Jon’s behavior was inappropriate and she was very concerned.      When I asked why she was so upset, the principal stated, “We are concerned because he not only put the appendage on the cookie, but he also used the word ‘penis’ when he was asked what it was.”     I nearly lost it, not angry, but trying to hold back my laughter.      “Why does his use of the word penis disturb you?” I asked.     “Because boys his age do not use the word penis. We are afraid that he has been abused and taught this word by his abuser,” the principal responded.     I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing. The principal, who I had known nearly all my life growing up, (we were the same age,) was not happy with my reaction.     “This is a very serious matter,” she said.     I asked that my son be brought into the room. When he arrived, I told him that it wasn’t appropriate to put a penis on the cookie.      To which he replied, “Why? It’s a man. Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.”     I thought the principal was going to come out of her skin. I smiled at my son and offered this explanation, “In the cookie world, boys and girls do not have sexual organs, so although you are correct, we just don’t put them on cookies.”     “Okay, Mom.”     “Tell the teacher you understand now and that you won’t put penises on the cookies anymore.”     Jon apologized and then I asked him to leave and wait for me outside. The principal was still gape-mouthed at the exchange between my son and I. She was not satisfied with what had just transpired in her office.      She began to explain, “Often when young children are abused they become fixated on sexual organs, and they use anatomically correct terms as taught by the abuser.”     My answer to this was not what she expected. I stood up and said, “I’m not sure what the problem is. You are concerned that my son is being abused because he knows the correct terms for body parts? I’m assuming I would not be in your office if he had called it a dick, a tee-tommy, a willy-wacker, his little man, a weewee, a ding dong or a weenie. We don’t use those terms at our house. We use the correct medical terms for them. To assume he is being abused because I taught him those terms is just about as funny as seeing the penis on the cookie man. If there is nothing else, I’ll be taking my son out of school for the rest of the day and rewarding him for using the correct words. Y’all have a nice day.”     My son grew up to be a wonderful man, kind and gentle, and respectful of women. So, when Rep. Brown was silenced for using the correct medical term for the female anatomy, I started laughing.  Maybe if the dicks, weewees, and ding dongs she offended had been taught the correct anatomical terms as four year olds, they would have more respect for women in general.

Choices

     I know, I know, sexuality is not a decision. Yes, I agree, I was born this way. Still, I remember the moment I made the decision, and yes, it was a conscious thought, to be what I was meant to be. I had same-sex attractions growing up, but believed that was just a normal process of adolescence. I loved a few men, one in particular (still love you, sweetie,) and thought I would be the traditional wife and mother. I married, had a child, and after two and a half years was divorced. (The ex is not the one I still love, by the way.) I tried on several relationships after that, but until I met the love of my life, I never considered a lesbian relationship as part of my future.      The day I met my now wife, something clicked in my head. I remember having deep conversations with myself after that first meeting. I was smitten and thought, “Oh God, what’s wrong with me?” Turns out, there was nothing wrong with me. I was simply following my heart that was screaming, “She’s the one!” So, I made that decision to be who I really was and love who I was meant to. I remember saying, “If God put her on this earth for me, then who am I to question that?” Twenty-five years later, I am so glad I made that choice.      I could have continued to play the game, live the life my mother wanted me to, with the picket fence and husband. I have no aversion to men. Like I said, I loved a few, but when I was finally true to myself, the life I chose was with this woman. I have never looked back. We raised my son from age three and he loves my wife as much as I do. He is proud of his two moms and will tell anyone that wants to know that his life with us was a good one. In fact, we were the cool moms and all the kids hung out at our house. Our "non-traditional" home was the only one in the neighborhood with an adult at home and we took care of the neighborhood children, while the traditional homes were latchkey kids and no adults to be found. (Some of those kids came back as adults to thank us for taking care of them.) No, we are not the “traditional” family NOM and the other hate groups tout as the “only” legitimate family. We are that truly happy, stable couple, with a great son, and a fabulous relationship.      I am writing this because we will celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary on June 6th. Twenty-five years, a quarter century together, and still our relationship is deemed frivolous and sinful by so many. I will hold my loving, supportive, healthy relationship up to scrutiny by anyone. I’ve come to believe that my “choice” was not about my sexuality, but a choice to live the life I was meant to. I am blessed to have found my soul mate and equally blessed that I did not let that opportunity pass me by, because some people think it is wrong. By the way, if you choose to spout bible verses at me, please make sure you are not picking and choosing which verses you follow. There are quite a few verses in there that no one pays attention to anymore. You don’t get to eat shrimp, sleep around on your spouse, wear silk and wool together, and then say I am an abomination without getting in line to be stoned to death. By the way, there are several "traditional" marriages in the bible that you should take a look at before you quote too much. Even the ancient text, called The Bible, went through changes as society transitioned. I guess those transformations are okay with the religious right, as long as they were written thousands of years ago and have no bearing on society today. Consider the ludicrousness of that kind of thinking for a moment. On second thought, don't try to understand their reasoning, it will give you a headache.     I don’t want to be married in your church if you don't want me there. There is a big difference between religious rites and civil rights. I simply want the rights granted to any married couple in this country. Two strangers can meet in Las Vegas, get drunk, get married by Elvis, and boom – they have the rights my wife and I do not, simply because they have the “appropriate” sexual organs to constitute a “legal marriage” in the US. So, my twenty-five year relationship is “less than” and “undeserving” of protection under the law, but waking up married to a stranger in Vegas is acceptable and legal. What’s wrong with this picture? What’s wrong is this country was founded by people seeking relief from religious persecution and now that’s all we see on the news, a group of citizens being targeted by religious zealots spouting ancient text with no real understanding of the text they so freely quote. The founding fathers have long since rolled over in the grave, dumbfounded by what has become of the “land of the free.”      To those who would say my sexuality is a choice, I say – BULLSHIT! The only choice I made was to live the life I was put on this earth to live. I chose to ignore the hate and vitriol being spouted at me for loving someone. (And by the way, that idiot preacher saying we should be rounded up in camps and euthanized, well if he was calling for the Jews, Blacks, or other group to be penned up, would he be getting away with that? I think not. Besides, I'd like to explain how I got here to him. My parents are heterosexuals, you dumb-ass, ignorant, bigot.) I chose to love this woman for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I chose to have a happy life, laugh, cry, love, and live true to myself. Hate me for who I love. I don’t care what you think. The only regret I have is that I didn’t meet her sooner. To those who say my marriage is an abomination, I have only one thing to say:     When you stand before your God on judgment day, do you think he’s going to care about the love Deb and I share, the happy family we created, the son we raised and are so proud of – or will the concern be for the hate and lies you spread, the time you wasted judging me, or the fact that you ignored these words, “And now abides faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
Happy Anniversary, Deb. Thank you for helping me make the right choice, LOVE!
"And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God."

Psychologists analyze Molly: House on Fire and the author, as well.

Recently, I had the pleasure of interacting with a group of retired psychologist, all heterosexual men, who chose Molly: House on Fire as the subject for their reading group. It is my understanding that they enjoy taking a book apart and fleshing out the behaviors, analyzing the characters and themes in great detail. I wish I had been a fly on the wall during the weeks, (yes, they spent weeks,) they discussed this book. Imagine my delight at the comments shared with me from this group of professional behaviorists:  "Well told story - Attention to detail excellent - Engaging characters - Funny, balanced, moving, evocative, well paced - Well researched - Sound psychological profiles - Good character development and evolution." I was beyond happy with this assessment from a demographic I hardly expected to read this novel. Molly crossed into territory I could not have imagined and passed the test. For that, I am humbled and extremely proud.I happily volunteered to answer questions from the group. It became apparent right away that these men saw things in Molly's story I thought only I  knew. The following is most of that question/answer session. Some parts were excluded from this blog, because... well, because a girl has to have some mystery. So here goes my session on the virtual couch:

1. What led you to the decision to take the risk and write something that was obviously so personal?
The ten-year-old girl you find in the prologue led me by the hand into this book. Writing those first pages triggered a reaction in me that I was not expecting. I had no idea what that little girl was going to say and do when I sat down at the keyboard that day. I had an inkling of what Molly had lived through, but not the whole story until she told me. I wrote the scene dry-eyed and focused. I then turned to my wife and read it to her. I reached the part where the child says goodbye to Sam and I broke. I could not read aloud anymore. I had no idea where all that emotion was coming from. It took me a few minutes to gather myself and then it hit me. There is a small child in all of us that remains unhealed and hurt. Be they big or small injustices, to that child… well, she remembers. I was unaware of how this book would influence me and the soul searching it would evoke. In a way, as you seem to have noticed, I cleaned my own closets right along with Molly. While the circumstances of my birth and my two-parent, middle class home were in no way comparable to Molly's dysfunctional beginnings, I discovered I still had some childhood issues to work through. What I found most intriguing during the process was that Molly helped me, and not the other way around. Empathy is a strong emotion and what I think drove this book.
2. This book clearly was a test for your readers? Was the question...How many of you are paying attention? How much do I risk revealing? or something else?
I play the “Are you paying attention?” game with readers all the time. I admit to peppering my novels with true emotions and experiences. The game is in detecting which ones are real.  To quote a favorite movie line, "The secret's in the sauce."In this case, I feel a connection with Molly that is stronger than all my other characters. She was my inside joke, my little surprise, popping up in all my novels. That said, I felt a responsibility to her to tell her story in a believable setting. I really knew nothing about her other than the few things I’d written in the other stories. I had to ask myself, who is Molly Kincaid? I looked at what she said and did in those novels and, like the actor I once was, questioned everything. Why did she say the things she said and react the way she did? How the hell did she get all that money? Why is she alone?"Why is she alone," became the clear through-line to follow. I wanted to write a happy little romance, but that just didn’t ring true, not with the clues I had to Molly’s behavior. It wasn’t until I was halfway through the writing process that I knew I was sharing more with Molly than I thought. Love is love and pain is pain, so I fell back on my acting skills and empathy. I didn’t have to live that life to understand the emotions Molly was experiencing. I simply had to use the “magic if” of my method acting days. (Stella Adler be praised.) My quest was an honest portrayal of a woman who knew how to get up when she got knocked down. I wanted Molly to find the peace I found. I wanted Molly to know that somewhere out there was the person she could trust with her heart, baggage and all. After all, my true story has a happy ending. Molly deserved nothing less. It took some distance from the material to realize how cathartic this book was.
3. Besides Leslie, what was Molly's motivation to change? What led her to be ready now?
The answer to this question lies partially in the novel Before It Stains, (published before House on Fire,) which examines Molly’s relationship with her first love. That interaction had to have caused Molly to reevaluate the way she was living her life. She’s approaching forty and looking back a bit. With all that going on, she was required to go back to her roots in this book. Molly is forced to examine the choices she made and put some things to rest. Leslie came along at just the right time. If you noticed, Leslie holds a mirror up, forcing Molly to see what she sees. Molly also has to break before she can mend. Leslie is there to see it all and she doesn’t run away. Learning she can be weak and survive, is just as important as Molly knowing she overcame great obstacles to become the woman she is. Part of her growth is recognizing she can trust someone and Leslie is that person.
4. What do you think it would take to expand your audience? What is the feedback you have gotten from the heterosexual community?
The few interactions I’ve had with heterosexual readers, outside of this group, have been positive. I have been asked if I would change my characters to heterosexuals in order to go mainstream. Here’s my take on that. I write about life. My main characters happen to be lesbians. I include doing the laundry, cooking breakfast, and other details of normal human interaction, because I think it’s important that readers see that homosexual relationships are like any other. I read heterosexual novels and think nothing of the sexuality of the characters. I wish for the day when sexuality is not as important as what the author has to say. Until that day, I’ll continue to write lesbian fiction in this small genre. It’s what I know. The only drawback I’ve found with writing lesbian fiction is constantly having to say, “No, I don’t write porn or erotica.” Stereotypes die hard.
5. How do you think your books differ from others in the genre? From our perspective, they are inclusive of all readers; this is not what we get from other books that have a lesbian theme.
My life is full of all kinds of people, so the characters in my books deal with them too. Again, I hope that I’m just showing life as it is, all inclusive, beyond our personal differences. The difference I see in my books and others in the genre lies mainly in the labeling itself. In this small niche, you will find lumped together everything from hard-core porn to wonderful stories with no sex at all. It’s hard for readers to sift through the muck to find the kinds of stories they want to read. Each reader is unique, with different opinions on what they like. I’ve been criticized for the descriptive passages of the landscapes and detail in my novels. On the other hand, that is also the #1 compliment I get from readers. Some like that the sex is not graphic, some don’t like the fade to black and want all the details. I guess what I’m saying is, the genre is so varied, it’s hard to say I’m different, just maybe mislabeled, as many are. In the end, I just want to write and let the labels take care of themselves.
6. How would you have written this book differently 10 years ago? How would you/ Do you think you would write it differently 10 years from now?
Oh Lord, ten years ago that would have been a very different book. I’m sure there would have been much more anger expressed and a bit of, "Why me?" I’m older and wiser now, and I don’t need anti-anxiety meds anymore. That should tell you something.Ten years from now, who knows? I think I got it right. I’m happy with who Molly turned out to be. 
7. What led you to choose this theme for the book?
Righting wrongs, facing the truth, making peace with your past… If you mean those themes, then it was Molly’s character that suggested them. From the time she appeared on the page of my first novel, Molly was a champion. Champions rise above… out of the ashes, so to speak.


Molly: House on Fire on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble

Molly's house is definitely on fire.

What readers are saying about Molly: House on Fire

Excerpts from Readers' Online Reviews on Amazon.com:
“This book about the story of Molly has been a long awaited dream for diehard fans of RE Bradshaw. It does not disappoint. The story is a blockbuster. A book with so much crammed into it, it will leave you breathless and still wanting even more… The book is extremely well written, in the typical RE Bradshaw style… The book is fast paced and a page turner right from the first page through to the last page… With all the goings on in this book, you will also find the subtle touch of humor throughout that I've come to adore when reading one of RE Bradshaw's books. No matter how serious the story is, there is always a little light relief interspersed among the dark deeds… Last but not least, there is the romance. I always enjoy a touch of romance and I was more than happy with the balance of romance to the rest of the story… Once again RE Bradshaw has written a winner. This book is perfect. It would make an excellent film.”
“It has all the things a great book should have, suspense, laughter, fear, joy, friendship and love.”
“Suffice to say this is another great book from RE Bradshaw. She is the master of both the thriller and the romance and this one combines the two. Put down your Patricia Cornwell and read this one instead.”
“Molly's story was done exceptionally well… I have authors that I love who write romances and other authors that I love who write thrillers. The list of those that write both and can pull it off is VERY short for short for me and R.E. Bradshaw is a member of that list.”
“RE manages to give us a wonderful glimpse at life in the South and Molly's beginnings. Action and romance are part of a very attractive package.”
“This is a love story wrapped in murder and the reader won't be disappointed in either the romance or the mysteries. (Yes, there is more than one mystery for our heroine and her cohorts to resolve.) If you're a fan of Ms. Bradshaw you'll need to buy this book. If you've not read any of Ms. Bradshaw's previous books give this a try. I don't think you'll be disappointed and I would venture to say you'll be buying more of her work.”


Molly Kincaid is an extremely successful and equally wealthy defense attorney, but that is all even her closest friends know about her. Behind the facade is a dark past she thought she buried long ago. Now, Molly must face that past and the danger that comes with it. Murders and mayhem, a Civil War gold legend, and a secret Molly has carried for twenty-nine years threaten to bring her world crashing down around her. Molly Kincaid must return to the land of her birth and nothing good can come of that... or could it? Molly's house is on fire and the only way out is through the flames.


Molly: House on Fire on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble

Frequently Asked Questions Answered

     Since I first self-published, eighteen months ago, I’ve been asked frequently about different aspects of the process. Lately, the emails concerning self-publishing have picked up. Up to now, I’ve answered these inquiries individually, but I’ve done it so much now, I thought I’d just write it down in one place to save time. I am by no means the expert on self-publishing, and would never represent myself as the spokesperson for the diverse community of authors who choose this method of publication.     I’m not sure I like the term “Indie.” It implies independence, and yes, I am independent in that I make the decisions about what and when I publish. I am called an Independent publisher, but so are Bella and Bold Strokes. Anyone publishing outside of the major New York houses are considered Independent. Case in point, how many "Indie" self-published LGBT fiction novels made the finalist in the Independent Publisher's Awards for 2011? The answer, none. The finalist were all from traditional publishers. So, I find the Indie label a bit misleading. The "self-published" label has its own bias attached. The myth prevails that only people who cannot find a publisher "do it themselves." I hear the constant clamor about the quality of self-published books. Here's my suggestion. Most of the books for sale on Amazon offer a preview before buying. Take advantage of that. If you don't know within the first ten pages whether you want to finish the book or not, at least you can make an informed decision. I don't think an entire industry should be damned because some bad books are out there. There's a hell of a lot of bad music I won't listen to either. I sure don't have to play the whole song to know that, and I'm not going to stop buying Indie music because people are uploading crap and selling it.      In addition, I do not operate independently of the traditional norms of publishing in many ways. I run a publishing business pretty much the same way the publishing houses do. I am self-published, but I am not alone or independent in the process. I use the services of professionals, from editors to accountants, publicists, designers, and lawyers. I have two jobs, one as a publisher and the other as a writer. As the publisher, it is my responsibility to make sure my team is operating efficiently. It is time consuming and takes discipline to juggle all the hats of self-publishing. There are days when I would love to hand off some of the responsibilities to someone else, but those days are few, and the hard work is very rewarding. Keep in mind that this is my full-time job and I work pretty much seven days a week. I’m not sure I could manage as well, if I had another job too.     In that vein, I am often asked how I have been able to write so many books in such a short time. My answer, I write almost every day. I am fortunate to be able to do this. My house is often a wreck, the laundry always needs doing, I’m rarely out of my pajamas, and I’m basically a hermit and a slave to the keyboard. I am extremely lucky to have a spouse that doesn’t mind sitting in the room with me and not having a conversation for hours, while I peck away at the computer. She is not concerned when I write all night and nap on and off the next day between writing binges. My kid is grown and the fur babies don't seem to mind my preoccupation with the fictional worlds I create. As long as the ideas keep coming and the muse blesses me with words, I’ll keep writing. Another advantage is that I’m a priority for my editor. We can go through the editing process much faster, because I’m not waiting in line with other authors. I don’t know how long I’ll keep up my current publishing rate, but I’m riding this horse until she turns to the barn.      Let me preface the rest of this blog with, “I did it all wrong, but learned from my mistakes.” I published without knowing a few things that I know now, so the following advice is based on my experiences alone. Other authors may have different takes on the process. The only right answers are the ones that work for each individual. Read, read, and read about the self-publishing process. That’s how I started my journey and I’ve continued to read about self-publishing from some of the most successful authors out there. I learn from others. I hope some of you will find what I have to say helpful, as well.     First, and most important, hire a professional editor. I know that's hard to do on limited income, and that is the reason my first four books were unedited. I was criticized for that and very lucky to have been given a second chance to publish with an editor. If your first novel is so riddled with mistakes it turns the readers off, you will have difficulty attracting them to your future work. You cannot edit your own writing and that smart friend of yours is free, but not a professional editor. Invest the money. It will pay off in the end. I am in the process of re-releasing the first four novels, now in cleaner condition. If one of them is the first book of mine a reader picks up, having the unedited ones out there is not helping me. It’s worth the money to me to clean them up.     Second, before you spend the money on an editor, find beta readers willing to say more than, "I liked it." You need honest appraisals from a variety of readers. My beta readers are well read, and from all over the world. They include experts in some of the fields I write about. The differing perspectives are very informative. One of my betas is a classically educated executive that reminds me often why I wish like hell I had taken Latin. She keeps me honest and has had many belly laughs at my expense. Seek out beta readers that can help you become a better writer. You will find out soon enough which ones can offer honest, helpful feedback. Beta readers are invaluable. Collect them and treat them well.     Third, if you do send your manuscript to a publisher, pay attention to what they say in response. If you are accepted then they will help you with the editing process, so you can skip my first step, but do use beta readers before submitting. If you are rejected, read and process what the reasons were. You can learn from these rejections. That said, my one and only submission to a publisher was turned down flatly, after I had already self-published a best seller. I believed in the book. I self-published the exact book that was rejected. That book hit #1 on Amazon and stayed there for a very long time. Lesson learned: publishers don’t always know what readers will read. If you think it’s worth publishing, do it, and find out for yourself. Note: see step one.     Fourth, book covers are important. Spend the time to do the best work or hire a professional. This is what the reader sees first. Make it interesting. I design all my book covers. (I did have help on Molly: House on Fire.) My first four book covers were poor examples, and I have new covers for the re-release. I misunderstood the importance of a good cover in the beginning. I have a background in advertising and design, so I have a bit of an advantage in working with the various programs. My advice is to look at covers you like. Ask yourself, what it is about the cover that attracts you? Use what you learn to create a cover for your novel. Make it relevant to the topic and eye catching. Remember it must look good and be easily read in a thumbnail size for online sales. I will add here that you must own the rights to the picture you use on your cover. If you use a picture with a person’s image, make sure the model rights are included also.      Fifth, formatting your e-book correctly is extremely important. Make sure you check the uploaded file thoroughly in whatever format you use. I hire someone to format my books and it is worth every penny to avoid the headaches. Your print file will need to be formatted as well. Be sure you know how to embed styles in your document, and that those styles transfer correctly to whatever format your on-demand print company suggests. Createspace offers templates for the size of book you plan to print.      Sixth, word of mouth sells books. This particular part of publishing is no different for traditionally published authors and self-published ones. Cultivate readers, form or join discussion groups, have Facebook pages and blogs to interact with them. Make sure your webpage directs visitors to the site for purchasing your books. People who like what you write will spread the word. Words of warning: Manage your social networking time wisely. Schedule the time you will spend and stick to it. Your blog should not be exclusively about being an author. Add personal stories and opinion pieces to keep the visitors interested in returning. As fascinating as the process of writing is to us authors, it’s not that interesting to non-writers. Fans don’t buy People Magazine to read about the acting process. They want to know about the real lives of their favorite stars. Also, do not bombard readers with “buy, buy, buy.” Do not flood chat rooms and message boards with “all about me” or “look at my great review” posts. Too much exposure can backfire. If you write a good book, the publicity will take care of itself. You need only gently prod it occasionally.     As far as the actual uploading of files to Amazon and other online distributers, I suggest you read everything in their help files. Ask questions of the support personnel, if you’re confused. Read the fine print. There are step-by-step guides out there for this part of self-publishing. Buy your own ISBN numbers from Bowker.      I’m going to go ahead and answer a few more of the questions I’m often asked. If you recognize your question, don’t be offended that it's listed here. If I answer it below, it's been asked by quite a few people. Chances are, I’ve already explained my answer to you in a private email. I’m not cold or unfeeling, and I encourage everyone to follow their dreams. I am simply trying to follow mine and can’t take on more than I already have. So…No, I don’t want to write your story. I appreciate your sharing, but only you can write your unique story. I have enough going on in my own fictional world, I doubt I'll run out of ideas any time soon. I’m sorry I can’t help you, but I do encourage you to write your story down. That’s how it started for me. Getting the complete story written is the first step to becoming a published author, then follow the steps above. Note: See step one.No, I can’t help you edit your manuscript or beta read for you. Please don’t send me your work. I really have a lot on my plate and to be honest, do you really want the comma queen editing your manuscript. There is a reason I use beta readers and hire an editor. It’s not that I don’t want to help other authors, I just don’t have the time or the expertise, and I’m fairly new at this. I won't pretend to be something I'm not. I am not an editor, nor do I think I would be a good mentor. I'm still working it all out for myself. There are a lot of experienced authors willing to help. The Golden Crown Literary Society has a mentor program for fledgling authors. I’m sure there are others. Word of advice, don’t fall for the “Let us help you publish” scams. There are plenty of free services without forking over hundreds of dollars.No, I will not write a review of your book. I rarely make public statements about another author’s work. If I do post a quick note, you can rest assured I have read the book and liked it, but you will never see my name on a full review. I am a writer. I am not a book critic. I do not write reviews or critique books, and believe me there is a distinct difference between the two. I have a healthy respect for those people that choose to put their stamp of approval or disapproval on a novel. It can be difficult to put your opinions out there, as difficult as publishing your novel and having it dissected by others. Hats off to those brave souls, I am simply not one of them.I’m going to answer this last one, because believe it or not, I am asked this very often. The question is always, “Are you really making a living as a lesbian fiction writer?” Despite the personal nature of the question, I’ll answer it. Yes, even though I have heard it said often, “You can’t support yourself writing lesbian fiction,” I am making a living writing books. I’m not rich, but I’m much better off than I was on a public school teacher’s salary. And lest you think my spouse's salary makes this possible, she's thinking about quitting her job and coming to work for me. I'm doing just fine, but I know I would not be making the royalties I do, if I were with a traditional publisher. That's just a fact.
     There, I think I’ve covered the most frequent questions I receive about publishing. I probably did not say anything that hasn’t been said before. Bottom line is, there is no magic wand to wave over a manuscript and instantly have a smash hit on your hands. Traditionally published or self-published, it’s all hard work. I wish for those of you seeking to publish the best of luck. Remember, there are very few things in life that are worth anything, if you don’t have to work for it.

Deeply Rooted Against Amendment One

     My North Carolina roots run deep. I was born in the Tar Heel state, at the old Woodard-Herring Hospital in downtown Wilson, to be precise. That was in 1961, but my family tree was planted firmly in Carolina soil over four hundred years ago. If I include the Native American branches of the family, the roots are deeper and older than that. There is suspicion that one of the original Jamestown settlers was the first of my European ancestors to set foot in the New World, May 14,1607, but the connection has never been proved. Although it is highly likely that Thomas Webbe is the seed from which my family grew, records were lost or burned. The documented Webbs I sprang from just appeared, very near Jamestown, shortly after the settlement of the first permanent English colony in America. The other roots of my tree arrived a few years later in 1633.      Parts of my family tree are planted firmly in Southeastern Virginia. The branches range from colonial governors to indentured servants. Volumes have been written about the Herndons of Virginia. Not much was penned about the men who came on ships paid for by wealthy adventurists. These men had to work off the cost of their passage by improving land for the investors. That’s where my North Carolina connection begins. The two main branches of my family connected in Nansemond County Virginia, just across the James River from Jamestown. The part of that county my family settled was later deemed to be in the Carolina Colony, so we were really in North Carolina all along.     After the indentured servants earned their freedom, their sons went on to acquire land grants through military service during the revolution. Eventually, the main branches took grants in Edgecombe County, not far from where I was born, going on to be wealthy landowners themselves. The remaining branches moved from the coast into the heart of the Carolina Colony in the 1700s. The Harrells, Webbs, Dukes, Herndons, Daniels, Wests, Hunts, Masseys, Lees, Hollomons, Tomlinsons, Byroms, Mercers, Bradshaws, Worrells, Skinners, Wallers, and others in my family tree have been in the state of North Carolina since it was a colony, and that’s just the European branches. The Native Americans were there long before that.     I am sure many of you feel the way I do about the land of your birth. If you’ve read any of my novels, then you know how much I love my home state. I am proud to be from North Carolina. I live in Oklahoma now, but will retire back to the Old North State in a few years. Once that tar is on your heels, you can never wash it off. From the Atlantic Ocean to the Appalachian Mountains, North Carolina is a beautiful state with a proud heritage of being among the first in many categories. The first English colony was established on Roanoke Island, and though the fate of the colonists is unknown, it produced the first English child born in America. The first flight took place on the Outer Banks. The University of North Carolina was the first public university in the United States. Many people believe that North Carolina was the first state to declare independence from England with the Mecklenburg Declaration of 1775. North Carolina can be proud of these and many more accomplishments.      So, it is with immense pride in my homeland and the people who live there that I call for the citizens of North Carolina to be leaders, once again. Be the first Southern state to stand up for all your citizens. Amendment One is bad for North Carolina. Nothing good can come from changing the State Constitution to include language that excludes some citizens from basic protections under the law. I’m sure most of the people that read this blog will agree with me, but agreeing isn’t enough. Donate money, volunteer, or simply talk to your neighbors, family, and friends. Make sure you’ve done what you can to educate them on what this amendment would actually do. Encourage everyone to vote. No one can afford to stay home on Election Day. Every vote counts. It is my hope that North Carolina will once again lead the South away from the labels of ignorance and bigotry that so many expect from us Southerners. It is time for a new South, one that protects the human rights and dignity of all its citizens.     We are bound by our love of this great state, and in that bond we must find common ground. Open your hearts and minds North Carolinians, love one another, and dispense with this hatred and hypocrisy. Remember our forefathers came here to escape religious persecution and a social structure that denied rights to the common man. In search of these human rights the New World offered them, our ancestors built a country where all its citizens were equal under the law. Laws that deny these rights are against everything this country stands for. Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the new morning, when the citizens of this glorious state stand up together and say no more hate. On that day, the branches of my family tree will bloom with hope and confidence that North Carolina, once again, will stand for what is right and just. That tree may bend, but it will never break. I love you North Carolina. Make me proud.Vote no on Amendment One.