Angela Beach Silverthorne's Blog, page 2

Identity Is Fragile

Christmas 2018 was wonderful. My husband and I started the holiday celebration off in Colorado, spending Christmas with our daughter and her family. Gorgeous snow-capped mountains. Mild temperatures. Family. Laughter. Catching up. An inspiring Christmas Eve service. Christmas carols. Great food. Safe travel. Did I mention the views? Breathtaking.

Bonus! We came back to Virginia Beach and celebrated more Christmas with our North Carolina and Virginia daughters and their family. Laughter. Catching up. Great food. Well, the best of times. Two wonderful Christmas celebrations.
Nothing could be finer. Well until we picked up the mail on Friday, December 28, after we had landed at Raleigh-Durham airport, driven four ½ hours to Virginia Beach, and only six hours before our second Christmas crew were due to arrive for their Christmas celebration. 
Dallas ran to the Post Office to collect ten days of mail, while I steamrolled to get ready for Christmas celebration #2. Once he got home, I assigned my husband the task of going through the mail, separating it into his, hers, and trash piles. While I was throwing clothes in the dryer, and stuffing more in the washer, I heard a long, drawn-out series of words, some not so pretty, but all stressful.
I rushed in with a filled laundry basket, “What in the world is going on?”
More disconnected, frustrated words spewed as papers flew up into the air. My husband’s face was fire-poker red and his eyes steamy. I laid the laundry basket on the floor and sat down. By now I wasn’t sure if he was having a heart attack or a tirade. But I remained quiet, waiting for his temper to defuse. 
After pacing the floor, throwing his hands up in the air, and talking under his breath, my husband finally sat down. He looked like a broken man. I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“What is wrong?”
“I picked up a registered letter at the Post Office. Guess what? Our driver’s licenses have been revoked. Our insurance carrier has cancelled our car insurance effective ten days from now,” He sputtered in a dead-pan voice.
From the rantings and ravings over the last few minutes, I knew he wasn’t joking. Still, I couldn’t believe what he was saying. 
Had we been victims of identity theft?
According to the letter, our identity had been called into question. The breech was found by a reputable Atlanta firm who passed the information on to our insurance carrier who declared our license and insurance revoked. Wham! We were now “on the wanted list” before we could even defend ourselves.
The agonizing part was no one could be reached. Everyone had checked out for the New Year’s weekend. And it was the following Wednesday before we could get the debacle straightened out. In the meantime, we had to get ready for grandchildren who were so excited to be with Nana and Papa for Christmas. Somehow, we had to put our “jolly” on and forget we only had ten days left to drive on valid license. 
We prayed and turned the situation over to God. I put on Christmas music and we got our heads out of agony and back into the meaning of the weekend. We were still celebrating Jesus’ birth day. And we did. We put our trust and faith in Christ and prayed for Jesus to fill us with the spirit of peace.
Jesus did more than that. He poured holiday-love-rain all over us. We celebrated to the fullest. Jesus as Christ, a babe who came to save us thousands of years ago was still in the business of saving us, every day, all day long. We reached up with open arms, declaring, “We need You, Jesus!”.
Our dilemma did not change, but our heart, mind, and soul settled down. We felt God’s peace and assurance. His stability and love.
The next Wednesday, we went to the Virginia DMV and after getting a clearance there, went to our insurance company. By mid-day we were cleared. Our license was not revoked. Our insurance reinstated. 
When I got home, I lifted a prayer thanking God for His comfort over the weekend and helping us work through our identity crisis. Then I remembered the Bible Study I did in the Fall with my daughter. There is no doubt it prepared me to stay assured and focused on the truth of who I am during an attempt to debunk my identity. 
Stay tuned for the next blogpost as I share a wonderful book, Identity Theft. 
In Christ Alone, my hope is found,Angela

Joyful and Triumphant

The Christmas season always puts me in a spirit of reflection. Even during the chaos of shopping, decorating, baking, and checking my list twice, daily, I have stopped to savor not only the holy season, but a year in review. The song, “O, Come, All Ye Faithful”, has resonated with me. But two words stand out as my theme for 2018.
Joyful and triumphant .
Joyful. Praising God in worship and song for all He has done in blessings and corrections.
“Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee,God of glory, Lord of love;Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee,Opening to the sun above.Melt the clouds of sin and sadness,Drive the dark of doubt away;Giver of immortal gladness,Fill us with the light of day.”  (“Joyful, Joyful, We Adore You”)
“Now you are happy with the inexpressible joy that comes from heaven itself . . . “ 1 Peter 1:8 (TLB)
Joy is fuel to uplift and change our life and others. People are attracted to joy. Joy is contagious. When I am down, the first thing I do is put on praise and worship music. Within minutes the spirit of joy fills my being.  Be joyful, show joy, and teach others the joy of faith in Christ.
Triumphant. “If we can come to a place in our spiritual walk where we can see God at work in both our triumphs and tragedies, we’ll find new peace in our souls. That’s called living with an eternal perspective.” (David Jeremiah) To be triumphant is to be victorious and live with an eternal perspective.
“We will overcome by the blood of the LambAnd the word of our testimony, everyone overcome.Savior, worthy of honor and glory,Worthy of all our praise, You overcame.Jesus, awesome in power forever,Awesome and great is Your name,You overcame.”       (“Overcome” by Jeremy Camp)
“But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of Him.” 2 Corinthians 2:14 (ESV)
Shine in the power of victory in Christ. Let your glow, the aroma of a spirit filled with Christ, emanate from you.
Praying each of you will feel joyful and triumphant, victorious, as you look back over 2018 and see God’s hand in your life. Merry Christmas! Jesus has come! Praise His Holy Name!
Triumphant in the light of His glory,Angela

Blessed Quiet

I love the quiet, those moments when I sit with Christ to listen and be amazed.
Pausing and reflecting on God’s nature and His blessings settles my soul. I soak in a Holy marinade of His Words that pour out over my spirit, easing those things I cannot control until my clenched fingers spring open in freedom.Quiet-pauses restore, renew, and reestablish our mindfulness of our Holy Creator.
When was the last time you paused in the quiet with the Father?
I invite you to do it more often. It is a life-changing, freedom-calling experience.
God bless you, Angela

Victory in Scriptures

[image error] I spent many years living without Jesus, unable to understand some of the things that happened to me. Once Jesus came into my life, I still did not understand, but I trusted He did and everything that happened was under His authority. I quit asking “Why?”. 
When We Ask WhyGod’s beautiful planIs sometimes concealed,But someday His purposeWill be fully revealed.Someday God’s wisdomWill make it clear and plainWhy problems were permittedAnd how He uses pain.We’ll see the Lord’s purposeFrom Heaven’s point of view, And we will understandIn ways we never knew.Till we are home with GodSome answers have to wait.“Lord, we’ll trust and obey –Lord, help us walk by faith.~ Perry Tanksley
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
As a newbie-Christian, I entered faith embracing the whole idea of a loving Father, but I didn’t fully understand the concept of giving it all to Jesus. Why would God want to take on common problems and angst? So when the world caved in, which it seemed to do often, I would go into a whirlwind, felling overwhelmed and underqualified. Praise God I found Philippians 4:6-7.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which passes understanding, will guard your heart and mind.”
I began to talk to God about my life, everything. At first it was like meeting a new friend and not being sure how much information to divulge. After a few days, I laid every anxious thought, heartache, fear, uncertainty and brokenness at His feet. I gave it all to Him. The aftermath was peace that seeped in slow and easy, a transfusion of healing and strength.
A few years ago, I was at an Emmaus Walk and during a prayer session, one of the attendees who was cripple slipped out of her wheelchair and began crawling toward a large, rugged cross on the other side of the room. As she got closer she stretched out her hand to touch it. That visual changed my life.
“Cast your burdens upon the Lord, and He will sustain you.” ~Psalm 55:22

For many years I have leaned on the Word of God to help me navigate life. I have had to purpose myself to do it. It does not come naturally. Seeking the Father early in the morning and sitting with Him in the silence centers me for my day ahead. During my worship time, God often lays many things on my heart – people who need encouragement or a fresh word from the Father. Before I end this precious time, I write in my journal. It’s a time for me to remember all God has done for me, my family, and the world around me. I understand why God asked the Israelites to gather “remembering” stones. It’s important for us to remember God’s goodness and provisions because in the hard times it’s easy to forget. Satan will be only too thrilled to remind us we are a failure, unworthy, unwanted, and unloved, especially by God.
And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordon, Joshua set up at Gilgal. And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordon on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordon for you until you passed over, as the Lord you God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear (be in awe) the Lord you God forever.” ~Joshua 4:20-24
God wants us to know all about Him. He loves us with a love that is too great for our human mind to grasp. 
“God proved His love on the Cross. When Christ hung, and bled, and died, it was God saying to the world: I love you”.  ~ Billy Graham
“I will not forget you! See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”  ~Isaiah 49:16
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ~Hebrews 13:5b
God created you. (Genesis 2:7)
God created you in His image. (Genesis 1:27)
God knitted you together in your mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:3)
God numbered the hairs on your head. (Matthew 10:30)
God says you were fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
God says you are more valuable than a sparrow. (Matthew 10:30)
God gave His only Son so that you could have life. (John 3:16)
God says you are His heir. (1John 3:2)
God says you belong to Him. (John 14:18)
God loves you as a perfect Father. (1John 3:1)

God has forgiven your sins. (1John 1:9)
God says no one can snatch you out of His hand. (John 10:29)
Walk as children of the light. (Ephesians 5:8) Let others see that light and share Jesus with them. You have a glorious future. (1 John 3:2) You are a citizen of heaven. (Philippians 3:20) God loves you. This knowledge has saved my eternal life.
“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust.” Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler.” ~Psalm 9:1-4
Love God with all your heart. Lean into Him and live a life of peace, joy, and contentment. God bless you always, Angela

Victory in Music/Songs

“Thou hast created us for Thyself and we are restless until we rest fully in Thee.”~St. Augustine
I want to share some music/songs that have regenerated a depleted heart and infused sweet joy in my life when I felt the world was crumbling. Praise and worship music are key to a healthy lifestyle following Jesus. I pray you enjoy some of these songs. Blessings, Angela


“Reckless Love” by Cory AsburyBefore I spoke a word, You were singing over me. You have been so, so good to me. Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me. You have been so, so kind to me.Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘till I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine.I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still. You give Yourself away.Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc6SSHuZvQE&list=RDSc6SSHuZvQE

Jesus meets us when we present Him with our not enough. That line is all about me. Somewhere in my brokenness Jesus found me and managed to begin healing the fractures and fissures that bound me and refused to let me grow in my faith.  (unknown)
“God Is Enough” by Hillsong
Through every storm my soul will sing. Jesus is here, to God be the glory.Christ is enough for me.Christ is enough for me.Everything I need is in You.Everything I need.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fZ-tBR7LJ0


Psalm 15:4 and 15:5 “He who swears to his own hurt and does not change . . . He who does these things shall never be moved.” Be moved by turning to Jesus. Confess. Ask for forgiveness. Trust. Believe.
“Trust in You” Lauren Daigle
“I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest.Might Warrior, King of the fight,No matter what I face You’re by my side.When You don’t move the mountains, I’m needing You to move,When You don’t part the waters, I wish I could walk through,When You don’t give the answers, as I cry out to You,I will trust, I will trust. I will trust You.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs

“Are you broken in your spirit? Are you spiritually empty? Have you been wasting your life? What is your need? You need Christ!”~Franklin Graham


“Love Is Here” Tenth Avenue North Lyrics
Come to the waters, you who thirst and you’ll thirst no more.Come to the Father, you who work and you’ll work no more.And all you who labor in vain, and to the broken and shamed,Love is here. Love is now. Love is pouring from His hands,From His brow. Streams of mercy flowing from His side ‘cause Love is here.And to the bruised and fallen, captives bound and brokenhearted,He is the Lord. He is the Lord.By His stripes He’s paid our ransom.From His wounds, we drink salvation.He is Lord. He is Lord. Love is here.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sBuajPzBTw


God is listening. God is ready to go into battle for you. He is the Rescuer.
“Chain Breaker” Zach Williams
If you’ve been walking the same old road for miles and miles.If you’ve been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies.If you’re trying to feel the same old holes inside,There’s a better life.If you’ve got pain, He’s the pain taker.If you feel lost, He’s a way maker.If you need freedom or saving, He’s a prison-shaking Savior.If you’ve got chains, He’s a chain breaker.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGYjKR69M6U


“I am convinced that without a gut-level experience of our profound spiritual emptiness, it is not possible to encounter the living God.”― Brennan Manning, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus
“Even If” MercyMe
It’s easy to sing when there’s nothing to bring me down,but what will I say when I’m held to the flame, like I am right now.I know You’re able, and I know You can save through the fire with Your mighty hand.But even if You don’t, My hope is You alone.You’ve been faithful. You’ve been good all of my days.Jesus I will cling to You, come what may.‘Cause I know You’re able. I know You can.But even if You don’t, my hope is You alone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Here are a few more to check out. Thank you for being part of my journey. God bless you, Angela

“I Just Need You” Toby Mac“Life Me Up” The Afters“Grace Got You” MercyMe“Freedom Hymn” Austin French“In Christ Alone” Stuart Townsend & Keith Getty“Mighty to Save” Laura Story“Soul On Fire” Third Day“Once and for all” Lauren Daigle“Arms of Love” Amy Grant

Shame is a robber. Fear is a liar.

Jesus came for the shamed and fearful, the hurt, broken, blind, deaf, downtrodden sinners of this world. He died for us in order to free us from the bondage of sin.
“Am I good enough? Do I measure up? Feels like a war I can’t win, but I wasn’t given the spirit of fear. I was given the power of love. Everything I’ve been fighting against, I’m gonna lift it up. I wanna be fearless! No holding back, no backing down. Fearless! Because I believe You’re with me now. Bring on the unknown. Lead me, and I’ll go. Come set me free. God, I want to be fearless! ~ “Fearless” by Jasmine Murray
Going into battle behind Christ meant I had to be reckless and fearless.In preparation for “the uglies” that kept whispering lies to me, God has a plan, I needed to be ready. I needed to be still, wait for His directives, and listen to His command.
      1. In the stillness, I learned to listento God. The more I listened, the more I wanted to know about Him. The more I found out about Jesus, the more I wanted to follow Him. Luke 9:23 states, “Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves, take up their cross daily, and follow Me.”
     2.  Following Jesus meant you trusted Him. Even when you aren’t sure where He’s taking you or you don’t agree with His timing, you respect and honor Him. We are asked to follow through with obedience. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)
     3. We are also to be obedient to God and His Word. That’s why we study the Bible to get into a closer relationship with Him and to learn how to be obedient. “Through Him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for His name’s sake.” (Romans 1:5)
     4. Worship and praisefollow obedience. “Let them praise Your great and awesome name – He is holy.” (Psalm 99:3)
     5. Be prepared. Stand ready. Listen for God’s directives. 1 Peter 1:13 declares, “Prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Psalm 25:4-5 “Make me to know Your ways, O Lord. Teach me your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; on You I wait all the day long.”

“To those involved in this dying world, Satan will come with evil’s undiluted power to deceive,for they have refused the truth which could have saved them . . . they see truth as a lie, and the lie as the truth.They accept the lies of the devil.”~Billy Graham
I built walls to protect myself. I used to think I had to fight “the uglies” by myself. I accepted the lies of Satan.
You are unloved. Unwanted. Unworthy. A failure. A loser. Fearful. A loner. Unwelcome. Univited.
Satan used a small child who could not understand. He continues to use me. I know I will have to battle the forces of darkness all my life. Demons will rise up and try to derail my faith over and over again. I know this. But I also know God will fight my battles. Just like He’s always done.
Believe me . . . shame is a robber. It will steal your joy, tear down the truth of who you are and were created to be. Fear is a liar. It will sink you into despair and keep your eyes off Jesus.
Christ asked me to remember that everything that happened to me was about imperfect people with hurts of their own. It was not about me. I’ve accepted that. I believe it to be truth. I forgive them because I have been forgiven.
“Now on my heart this Word is written . . . forgiven, forgiven.No guilt or shame can hold me.I’m covered by Your mercy.On my heart this Word is written . . . forgiven, forgiven.~ “Written” North Point InsideOut
One morning I got up, rushed to get my coffee and settled into worship time. I prayed, opened my Bible, and before I read the first verse, I felt “the uglies” speak.
“Your life has been about writing and reading. That’s how you’ve coped with us. When you go blind, you will not be able to escape into books. You will not be able to leave your hurts on a pad of paper. We will torment you in your darkness. You will no longer be able to hide from us.”
Fear flared, tears sprang to my eyes. I sank back and let those words drench me. Blind. I couldn’t imagine never being able to express myself on paper. Never be able to read a book or plunge myself into an escape?
Writing gave me the pleasure of sharing my life without recourse, judgment, or worry. I didn’t have to crawl out of a broken shell and make pleasantries hoping people wouldn’t see the fractured me. Writing didn’t demand I do anything. Its love was contained, secured, and controlled. These words did not leave me empty or look at me as if something was wrong.
Reading has been my consistent, forever friend. Friends that became family and didn’t leave you. When no one else came to my rescue, these friends loved me past the haunts. I’d grab a book and travel with a friend to far away countries and view life through their lens. I’d watch them being loved and cherished. When I read the last page of the book, I could lovingly close it and put it away. It left no hurt.
Writing and reading had been my lifeline to sanity.I lifted my head, took a deep breath, and saw the scripture I had written on an index card the day before:
“The Lord is my strength and my shield;my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me!” ~Psalm 28:7
I repeated the verse 3 times. Each time I recited it, my breathing became less labored and my mind settled down. I turned the card over and saw these words I had written on the back.
“In the serious battles of life,times when our strength is just not enough,Jesus is our lifeline, our Savior.”
Writing and reading were not my lifeline to sanity. Jesus was and is and forever will be my lifeline.
I sat back and let the tears flow.
It was out, spoken out loud. My fear had been expressed and with Jesus I knew I would be okay whatever the future held for me. With six eye surgeries behind me and little help from the eyedrops, the pressure in my eyes continued to be unstable. Nerve damage was a reality, and I knew my vision was in serious jeopardy. I had feared facing the threat of blindness for fear I would fall victim to depression or worse. “The uglies” would win, and I would lose forever.
Then I realized the real pitfall. What really had my attention?
The plan I didn’t see or the ONE who could see?

Here I am, God. Gracefully broken. Depression, suicide, addiction, and abuse, and abandonment are ugly words, but they are real words. Don’t brush them under the rug. Don’t form opinions without understanding the frailty of the wounds these words cause.
We are all battling “the uglies”. Some do it better than others. But no one can win the battle without Christ. The person you love, the one passing you on the street, and the one sitting next to you on the pew in church may be hurting, broken, and in need of Christ, in need of you showing them Jesus.
Their story, like mine, may be deep and wide, filled with demons of all kinds. Love and extend fellowship. Fight the war with Jesus. We desperately need frontline warriors who see what Jesus sees.
“And I know that You’re able,and I know You can save through the fire with Your mighty hand,but even if You don’t, my hope is You alone.”~”Even If” by Mercy Me
Thank you for sharing my journey. I have more to share. Victory in Scripture. Victory songs.
Blessing to you always,Angela

Tools for Battle

A few months ago I hit an emotional tsunami. My radar didn’t pick up on it, and by the time I realized what was happening, it knocked me off my feet. I hit the floor in prayer. I prayed for strength to battle “the uglies” again. I imagined them crawling up through the rubble, coming after me. Terror struck.
In the middle of prayer-ranting, and after the fourth or fifth “I” will statement, I fell silent. 
“I” cannot do this anymore. I wept as I prayed, “Lord, I cannot continue to battle “the uglies”. I’ve been at peace for years. Why now? Did You bathe me in love to abandon me?
I paused, sensing the real truth. God wanted me to go through this battle the way I should have done all the others, with Him. This meant taking down guardrails, unplugging defense mechanisms, and trusting fully. I prayed, “This battle is Yours, Father. Suit me up. Give me a rock to hold. Tell me when to hurl it. Fill me with strength and courage. You’re asking me to give You all that I am.”
A feeling of calm extinguished my panic. I felt Jesus ask me to forget the rock and pick up a shovel and pick. We were going deeper into the horror chamber of my mind. It was all I could do to breathe. For days and weeks before this, Jesus had kept me tight in His Word. Now He was going to show me how to kill “the uglies” and how to survive. Over the next few weeks, I trained hard. God kept asking me to remember all His promises and provisions. 
I’m ashamed to say it, but I began to fear these new demons more than trusting God. I knew how they operated – full demolition. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to do this even with God. Could I put all my trust in Him? Could I throw out the “me” and all “my” coping mechanisms and let Him lead this next battle? Could I?
“Prayer is not just asking.It is listening for God’s orders.”~Billy Graham
Jesus said, “Remember!”
He drove me through copious journals I had written. For those of you that don’t know me, I’ve been writing since I was a little girl. Even when I couldn’t express my feelings on paper, I would draw pictures. Writing offered me the privilege of putting painful circumstances into some sort of reality, always mystical and unearthly, but it was a rationale I could comprehend. It allowed me to write down things I didn’t understand, and then be able to bury them deep in my mind. So, I sat and read things I had almost forgotten. Painful scenarios. Times of fear, struggles, depression, suicidal thoughts, and losing bits of myself in the aftermath. 
I wanted to remember all the good things. What I kept remembering was the hurt, the brokenness, the feeling of being unwanted and unworthy. And the fear. I wanted to scream at God to stop, but He pressed me on. I kept coming back with more questions piled upon questions, getting anxious and angry. Why God? I’m getting too old for this. Please just do this for me. I cannot.
Then God brought me to a place in time where I was sitting in front of a young girl. Her name was Feather. Hurt etched her face. Brokenness kept her locked awa; her eyes scanned her lap. I saw me in her demeanor, and I recognized the demons. I wanted to run. But I couldn’t. She was so fractured that I was afraid I would lose her, right then and there. I had no words; so, I wrapped my arms around her until her breathing went from shallow to trembling. I held her tighter, internally screaming for the demons to let her go. 
I tried to talk to her, hoping I could enter in and take her pain away, but it was too deep. Her wounds were raw and bleeding. When I left her I got in the car and screamed at God, “Why did You put me with that child? Of all people, why me? Are you trying to torment both of us? What can I offer her?” I beat the steering wheel until my hands were bruised. 
But I couldn’t leave her. 
I worked with Feather for several months. She began to smile and look me in the eye. She was so beautiful. In my heart she was mine, and I loved her. I wanted to protect her. Hope began to grow; I thought she was healing. I began to think I could save her. Then the call came from the hospital. Feather was in ICU. She had tried to commit suicide. 
I rushed over, sitting with her for hours. My youngest daughter demanded to go. She had met Feather. There was an instant connection, a sister-love. We stayed until we were asked to leave.
I was devastated. This is what happens when you give yourself away to love. God yanks it away. He lets you glimpse love, but then the demons, “the uglies”, have you and there’s no getting away. God let this happen to me, and now to Feather. 
Feather lived and was sent to live with an elderly Aunt out-of-state. I decided I would give up my CASA position. Who was I to think I could help teens or adults escape their tormentors? I couldn’t even help myself.
Then, I got another call. Another teen in trouble. The Judge I was working with wanted me on the case. Really, God! Really! 
But my determination to save pushed me onward. I went, stuffing my demons back in place. One kid after another entered my life. Before long I realized I wanted to fight for them. I put everything I had into “rescue mode”. I didn’t even share with my family the full scope of what I was doing. When a neighbor asked my husband why so many patrol cars came to our house, I tried to blow it off, but seeing my husband’s concern pushed a confession. Police escorted me into unsafe areas to interview parents and family members. Little did my husband know how dark those places were and what it was doing to me.
We moved a lot with my husband’s job, but in every new location I worked hard to save the lost, the broken hearted, the dying (Hospice), the illiterate, etc. to ease my wounds and hopefully fill their voids and help them demolish their demons.
God wanted me to see these events again. But there were many pressing issues Christ needed me to focus on. He began to show me how wrong I had been about life, about hurt, and about injustice. I was not a lone warrior. Their struggle did not cease because of me or my armor to save them. It had always been about Jesus and what He had done through me. I had done nothing without His assistance.
God is the Rescuer. 
Even with this newfound revelation, I still didn’t fully understand. I had come to a point in my faith walk that I knew I was only an instrument of God’s divine grace and mercy. I studied and sought a closer relationship with Jesus. My devotion grew deeper daily. I saw God’s intervention in every aspect of my life. He had never abandoned me. I began to think I was healed. I thought that meant “the uglies” were finally gone. But God waited, keeping me in the silence, until I was ready to face another battle. Ready to fully give up all of me for all of Him!
 (“We see ourselves from the perspective of the mud we’re sitting in, but God sees us through the blood of Christ that washes us clean, in the present, in the middle of our messes.” Sheila Walsh) 
The day came when God took my hand and we ventured into the mind, into dark places. In there was a demon who held a fear I had suppressed and now would have to face.
Before God allowed me to see the demon in its fullest, he asked me to remember once more. This time He asked me to see the past through His eyes only.
Remembering God’s Way:
When I was 8 or 9 years old on my way home from school, a black man would beckon me to sit and talk with him. He talked about Jesus. I had no clue what he was talking about, but I loved the attention. He made me feel special. He smiled at me. God graced me with a stranger who showed me what love looked like when I had forgotten.
One face and event after another surfaced. Words spoken out of caring. Acts of kindness. Hugs. Encouragement. Smiles. Love. It was overpowering to see how many people Christ had put on my path to help me, and I didn’t even realize it. I was so stricken down with “the uglies” that I was bound up in my own sorrow. I had lost vision in my deep silence and hurt.
In my teens, God brought a young boy (now my husband) into my life who insisted I go to church because he loved a man called Jesus. Can you believe that? I still reel every time I think about God’s amazing love. We were baptized together in a small pond at 16. On July 3 we will have been together for 48 years.
God later maneuvered a precious young mom into my life. She taught me about a love that is not human, has no human frailties, and can only be gotten through believing in Jesus Christ. Her love for Jesus was contagious. She prayed Him all over me. Praise God!
The list went on and on . . . Jesus had always been with me, even in the closet where I hid. How can this be when I felt so all alone? 
It’s a God thing.
Jesus kept me digging and mining the deep crevices — things I had forgotten or felt were insignificant were brought back to my memory to view within His reality of love, grace, and mercy.
“Because in the end: What matters most is not if our love makes other people change, but that in loving, we change. What matters is that in the sacrificing to love someone, we become more like Someone. Regardless of anything or anyone else changing, the success of loving is in how we change because we kept on loving.” ~Ann Voskamp
A I unraveled painful childhood experiences I realized God was knitting me a new life in Him. A newness of security, being wanted and loved. Every day we would chisel away more of “the uglies”. It was all part of the preparation. Trust building. Love soaking. Less of me. More of Him. These were the tools to battle “the uglies” with Christ.
I’m beginning to understand who I am in Jesus. I’m getting more and more secure that He has always loved and cherished me. I sense His love is filling in the deep hollows that I’ve trenched out. Those places where I hid away my hurts and brokenness, questions and whys. 
The story isn’t finished. Now it was time to face new demons. I must never forget:  Fear is a liar. Shame is a robber. 
Lord, I’m prepared to follow You into battle,Angela

Entering the Dark

I have prayed over the next few blog posts. They were hard to write. I ask for your patience as I share very private, very hurtful events in my life. Not to moan about what was, but to share what Christ has done through those events to restore who I am in Him.
I’m not the first one who has been ashamed of their inner turmoil. Instead of speaking out about hurt, brokenness, isolation, abandonment, fear, and depression, I’ve kept them harbored in silence. 
In 2009, I attended the Emmaus Walk. I heard fellow believers get real and honest about running away from God and stepping into unimaginable pain, loss, depression, and sin. More than speaking out about their challenges, they were praising God for their sufferings because their sufferings had brought them closer to Jesus.
I love Jesus more than anything, but at that time in my life, I was just beginning to go deeper in my faith. Suffering with someone seemed like a strange concept until God had me remember my own experiences, and the experiences of those He had put in my path. I thank God for the women and men who serve at the Emmaus Walk. They are encouragers who create a safe environment for those seeking a closer walk with Jesus.
In the blogs, I talk about demons or “the uglies” as I called them. They are crippling emotional traumas that I incurred as a young child. I didn’t understand; so, I tried to make sense out of things that made no sense at all. Words said. Or worst yet, words left unsaid and left to the imagination of the one haunted by them. And a child’s imagination can conjure up words as physical cripplers. And sometimes they are, manifesting themselves as headaches, chronic stomach issues, and withdrawal.
Have patience with me. The beginning is hard. The end is victory in Christ. I pray what Jesus has taught me might help you or someone you know who battles with low self-confidence, depression, addiction, unacceptance, brokenness, hurt, isolation, divorce, loss . . . and the list goes on. 
Thank you for letting me share. Blessings, Angela
My Story: Entering the DarkFor months I have felt an inner disturbance. It’s one of those recognizable times when you know something is brewing, and it’s about to overflow. I tried to ignore all the symptoms to no avail. So, I began to pray, “Jesus, please don’t leave me alone. I’m terrified to face another battle.”
Demons. That’s what I’ve called them since I was a child. Demons. I’m sure I got that word off some Bela Lugosi, better known as Count Dracula, movie. Later in life I called them “the uglies”. They’d rush in unexpected and uninvited to cripple emotionally.
My natural recourse to deal with “the uglies” was to turn inward and hide. They found me when I was seven years old. That’s when my life went from an innocent child, loved and cared for to a solitary being. It’s the recurring nightmare. Screaming. Screaming and running to the door, watching our navy Desoto and my parents speeding up the road, leaving me behind. The only thing that kept me from escaping was a pair of strong hands that gripped me from behind, barring my escape.
That day, I found out that my parents were really my grandparents, and the young couple facing me were my biological parents. I folded inward and went into a grief of such magnitude that I felt dead.
I remember being ushered into a bedroom and hearing the door close. I crawled onto the bed and curled-up into a ball. I slammed my eyes shut. It would become my new technique, my survival mode. In the presence of fear, I shut down everything but the breath. Later I referred to this safety mechanism as “no thinking”. I tried to disappear from everything. Life stalled and darkened.
“The enemy can camp at your doorstep for an indefinite period of time and it won’t matter to you.” (David Jeremiah, Sanctuary, June 2)
That’s true. And the enemy is ruthless. He will storm your life until you are on the edge of giving up, and then he will retreat, and slink away laughing at ripping you open from the inside out. This went on for years. It was my secret. My “uglies”. I thought I knew how to deal with them. I would just shut down and refuse to give them notice. In my silence, I buried them deep into dark recesses, hiding each of “the uglies”. Finally, they’d retreat into the graves I dug for them.
As a child the aftermath of these times were lower grades, poor concentration. My grades never got so low a teacher had to call my parents, and they never asked about grades; so, I forged their signature on my report cards. I figured they didn’t care to get messed up with the ghost of a child who rarely spoke and was withdrawn. Then again, they seemed to have their own battles. I heard them at night, struggling with their own demons. I stayed clear. I had enough issues of my own.
“No thinking” is not the best technique to fight “the uglies”. They’d figure out a way to disturb even silence. Depression usually followed. When “the uglies” taunting got unbearable, I wondered what would happen if I just disappeared from life forever. Would anyone notice? Maybe it would kill “the uglies” for good. Getting rid of them might be worth going into a permanent silence.
Jesus had His work cut out for Him. He didn’t just have to work on a broken child, He had to heal and mend wounds that were deep, suffocating, and fear based.
Abandonment is a crippler. You always have your guard up. Trust was suspect. Love demanded proof. It never seemed real. People tossed the word around like a ball in a tennis match. It flowed too freely into valleys of deception and lies. Love seemed minimized by frivolity and half-truths.
Trust and love go together. I’m always in protection mode. Always. Walls erect quickly.
My husband chides me because I don’t ask questions. I don’t ask a lot of questions for a lot of reasons. Whys set up more anxiety, a feeding frenzy for “the uglies”. Whys don’t change circumstances. My life would have still been the same. I would have been abandoned. “The uglies” would have settled inside me. It was the way it was supposed to be. 
As I got older, after I met Jesus, there were hard questions that haunted me like, “Why didn’t You find me?” “Why couldn’t You save me?”
Had I known Jesus earlier, I would have had precious verses and childhood songs to rock me to sleep instead of pretending I didn’t exist, didn’t matter.
I would like to share my journey with you. This is extremely hard. I am peeling myself open and exposing fears, demons. They are real. The enemy is real. He’s after your faith, hope, and joy.
Recently “the uglies” returned. God asked me to venture into the silence with Him to face these new demons, these emotions or feelings that were begging for attention.
Demons come in many forms—depression, abuse, addiction, brokenness, hurt, loss, divorce, suicide, discouragement, abandonment, and much more. These words and their stories fill our newspapers, magazines, TV, and radio. Are we listening? Are our hearts breaking? Or have we become anesthetized to human suffering? Do we truly understand that we have a national crisis? It’s not a “them” problem; it’s an “us” problem.
I pray hearing my story will help you see clearer with eyes like Jesus. The rest of the story follows. Please hang in and read until the end. I want you to see how great our God is!
In Jesus’s holy name I pray,Angela

Easter Mercy

I don’t usually share my poems. I am not a poet. What I am is a lover of words. Poetry is a great medium for emotional parts of life, imagery that cannot hold verbose language or an intense framework of dialogue.
As we head into Easter, let’s share the story of Christ’s sacrifice. And remember all Jesus did to redeem us from the bondage of sin.




Ragged CrossCome to the cross.Kneel at its rugged base.Stretch out your hands,Feel its ragged edges.This cross is for you.Upon it Christ died.His blood flowed,Dripping endless mercyAnd redemption for all.Now share God’s grace,Tell all about His sacrifice.Then live its mighty message.Grace, mercy, and eternity.
Power of His LoveLove so divine,Shed for you and me.Love changing power,Transforming and cleansing.Power of the cross.Power of salvation.Given for us to receive.
How Can This Be?Jesus hung on a cross of suffering and shame.Punishment for criminals, enemies of the state.How can this be?A man of honor, love, grace, and mercy.Humble, sin-less, son, brother, and friend.How can this be?An ancient plan, devised in holy whispers,Prophesied throughout the ages to fruition.How can this be?God took something horrific and cruel andTurned it into something beautiful and holy.How can this be?How can we look upon that rugged crossand see redemption and mercy?How can this be?This is what God does.That’s the love of the Father.He can change a thunderstorm into a rainbow.He can take the cross and place His son on it,Giving the ultimate gift to believers,Offering His Son as a sacrifice to save mankind,To defeat Satan and bring victory to death.If God can do all this for you and me,He will do exceedingly more.This is the glory of God.This is what He does.

With a deeply grateful heart, I thank you, Father, for Your sacrifice upon the cross. Your blood cleansed my sin and made me worthy of forgiveness. Let me always remember the price you paid because of Your great love. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Happy Easter! God bless you,Angela

Love Prevails Despite the Storm

I love gushy love stories. I melt when the strong male character reaches over and takes the woman in his arms, looks deep into her eyes and pledges his love and protection forever. I swoon with her, wanting to feel that emotion so strongly that it takes my breath away. 
Along life’s way, I also had this stupid notion that life ought to be like the Walton’s. The whole family working together for the good of each other and the land. Lots of kids. Grandparents living in the back room. Table set for twelve. Yep, I had that dream, too.
Real life usually isn’t like that. I don’t think love is either. Maybe. Maybe not. But not in my household. Yes, there is love. But it’s the kind that digs into each day and does what it must do, and then comes home late looking like left-over toast, half-burned. 
Those scenarios were in the early years of marriage, job, kids, school, commotion, and chaos. Now life has settled down to the two of us. 
Love changes as you get older. Your challenges are different. Your calendar is marked up with doctor appointments and drug refills, not playdates, school activities, and homework. You aren’t running to the gym; you’re running to the bathroom. You don’t jump out of bed and do a few kip-ups; you moan and groan and stumble to the coffee maker to get your morning inspiration.
For the last few months, I’ve been in a life-storm and God has been nudging me with scripture, thrusting devotionals in my direction. 
“Love from the center of who you are, don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil, hold on for dear life for good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.” Romans 12:9-10 MSG
Love from the center of who you are.
That’s a grabber, isn’t it? The center is the tender part.
Don’t fake it. Dig deep and be the real you that lives in that never-never land of love and excitement, in that tender part of the center.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Cor. 13:4-7 NIV
Have I done these things? Dishonor? Self-seeking? Keeper of the record of wrongs?
I think God is sending me a huge message. A strong message I cannot ignore. 
Looking back, I see where I have not been as loving as I should have been. I’m still learning, still an apprentice at love. God is helping me define love through His Words. He wants more of me. 
So for the past few weeks, I have stepped back, focusing on these Words. I see areas that need fine-tuning and others that need to be eradicated. God especially wants me to stop acting on my self-centered interpretation of events or actions from my spouse, and love from the center of who I am, not faking it. Genuineness. 
The other morning I sat and looked at my man of forty-eight years. That’s the same man who worked hard to provide for the family. That’s the same man who at sixteen taught me how to laugh and how to dream. He is solid. He is a man of faith.
Be good friends who love deeply. Who could ask for more than this? Good friends often seem to love easier, offer kindness quicker.
Jesus is still working on me. He wants to chisel me to a fine image of Himself. He also knows I am resistant. “If you are griping, you’re not listening.And if you’re not listening, you’re not learning.And if you’re not learning, you’re not understanding.And if you’re not understanding, you’re not honoring.And if you’re not honoring, you’re not loving . . .anyone but yourself.” (Life Lines)
I am a stumbling block in my own path. Today is demolition day!
“If God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:11
“We, as Christians, are called by God to reflect that love to our spouses, our families, and our world. And the more we reflect it, the more we give it away to others, the more we experience it in our own lives.” (Dr. David Jeremiah)
This Valentine’s Day will be different. I am going to be different. I want to love like Jesus loves. I want my spouse to feel Jesus when he is with me. Today I’m asking God to keep me mindful of who I am in Him.
“Father, in the same way we give our highest loyalty to You, help us today to be devoted to one another in love, honoring each other above ourselves. Amen.” Romans 12:10
Love one another. Always and forever. Angela