Renée Harrell's Blog, page 14

Five stars on Amazon? Frankly...

...we're a lot less impressed than we used to be.
 
Okay, so maybe we were a little too innocent -- or, worse, just plain ignorant -- but we always thought that a 5-star review on Amazon.com was a pretty impressive feat. (Well, for a book. Not so much for a waffle iron.) Hey, we've received some 5-star reviews and we were impressed! After all, five happy yellow stars means the reader thought a particular story was great.
 
Yesterday, we learned differently.

Y'see, one of us had dropped $2.99 on a short e-read for his Kindle. There weren't very many reviews for the three-set of stories; in fact, only three people had bothered to say anything about the collection. But each and every reviewer loved the stories. They were a "fun read", two of the reviewers insisted; the collection was "amazingly sexy"; it was a "great value" for so little money.
 
So we were surprised when the stories Harrell downloaded turned out to be badly written, boring, and about as sexy as seeing Grandma rinse her dentures. He enjoyed it so little that he abandoned the read in the middle of its second story.
 
"The writer uses stilted, awkward language," he said. "English isn't their native language, I can tell. Even though the main characters are 'talking', there's paragraph after paragraph without any dialogue -- and no contractions in the little dialogue we get. Besides, I just can't take another run-on sentence."
 
So exactly how did this chunk of not-great literature get some real-great reviews? We asked around and we found out, there's all kinds of ways. Most writers can count on family members to put up a 5-star salute, no matter how lousy . We say, 'MOST writers' because our particular family members refuse to read our stuff.  They still believe that electronic reading is the Devil's work. Some writers will trade 5-star reviews with their colleagues...and we received just such an offer, when we started to look into this. We had to turn it down, on principal, and because, sorry, N., we wouldn't feel good about ourselves in the morning.
 
One of our buddies shook her head at our ignorance. "People can buy 5-star reviews," she said. After she read the first few pages of Harrell's e-purchase, she was positive: "Bought and paid for reviews. No doubt about it."
 
Within minutes, we discovered she was right. Our internet search found dozens of "reviewers", ready and willing to purchase an e-book and write whatever the author wants to hear...and for cheap, too. We're talkin' pennies per star.

*grumble*

'Free' ain't always pretty....

...and, as we've discovered, not all of it should be free, either.

Last week, we mentioned that iLibrarian was providing several links to free ebooks, no money down, no money ever, and we were intrigued. We hadn't actually visited any of the sites but their offer of 5 e-Book collections which contain over 100,000 free e-Books was enough to get our little readers' hearts racing.
 
Enticed by the promise of $0.00 books, we wandered over to the first of the sites, ManyBooks.net -- which offers, in ManyBooks' own words, the best ebooks at the best price: free! The ManyBooks crew has more than 29,000 tomes available for all kinds of e-readers. As you've probably noticed yourself by now, their front page promotes several Books of the Week. This week's B.O.T.W. are Madame Bovary, The Wizard of Oz, Crime and Punishment and The Phantom of the Opera.
 
Yep, you've got it: Their most recent Book of the Week was first published over 100 years ago. We're betting it was hot stuff, 'way back when. All of the titles are great, and as confirmed Oz-ians, we're not sorry we stopped by. Still, nobody is all that excited about public domain stuff, including us.
 
Which is one reason we didn't bother to knock at another of the iLibrarian hot spots, Project Gutenberg.
 
Instead, we went to a site called BookRix. BRix (the nickname we've just-this-second decided all the cool kids use) says it has over 115,000 books on-line and available. Not all of them are free but many are and we wanted to see what was what. Checking the BookRix Most widely read books, we were surprised to find "free" novels from Stephanie Meyer (under the pseudonym, 'S.M.'), Suzanne Collins and Jeff Kinney.
 
Even though we're not experts on copyright law, we still wonder if it's legal to give away royalty-free copies of BREAKING DAWN, CATCHING FIRE, and WIMPY KID 4. If it is, our mistake, and BookRix is more than worth a stop. If it isn't...then, boo! on you, BookRix. You might have some wonderful authors in your mix and some terrific books available but we'll never know.
 
When we saw the Meyer/Collins/Kinney stuff, we left.

100,000 reasons to read this blog...

…give or take 99,999 of those reasons. So let's get to it, shall we?
 
According to Media Bistro, Smashbooks has now published 100,000 ebooks (from over 36,000 authors), as of February. Which suggests most authors are more than one-book ponies. Then Media Bistro blew sugar kisses in Smashword's direction and lost a squinch of its credibility.
 
Also in February, Good EReader stated that Amazon Kindle's lending library was now offering over 100,000 "free" selections for their readership.  Then Good EReader blew sugar kisses in Amazon's direction and lost a squinch of its credibility.
 
Meanwhile, over at Corante.com, Alan Wexelblat talks about Joe Konrath and Konrath's claim to have pocketed $100,000 in ebook profits in January alone. Wexelblat fails to blow sugar kisses at anyone, keeping his credibility, before adding: "More and more the e-book business is starting to remind me of the stories I've read of gold-rush California. A few people got very rich, a lot of people made some money, and a whole lot of people went broke or got hurt along the way."
 
You might wonder, as we did, exactly how people risk going broke, publishing their own ebooks. After all, our out-of-pocket investment per title tends to be in the very low three figures…and less. Of course, the emotional investment is in the millions of dollars. Millions, we tells ya! The good A. Wexelblat wraps his piece without offering much information in this regard. So we did a bit more research for you and found this article from the Los Angeles Times. In their article, Self-publishing for the 1%, we learn that Venture Press is charging $100,000 – which is their starting number, the bottom of the barrel price – to help would-be authors become ebook authors.  What do they give you for a writer's hundred grand? Per the Times, Venture Press "provides hands-on custom service: It will set you up with a ghostwriter and designers for the cover and layout." Which is a pretty sweet deal for Venture Press.

Finally, iLibrarian suggests several sites that are offering free ebooks…and, yep, they claim there's over 100,000 of such stories available right this very second for you to read.
 
So why are you still hanging around here?

This particular Buzzard is way more interesting...

…than most folks. We think so, anyway. There's a good chance you'll think so, too.
 
Jebediah Buzzard was Arkansas' first late night TV horror host (Fright-Time Funhouse), he's worked as a carny pitchman, and – a couple of years back, in his spare time – he decided to go ahead and make his own horror flick and CD. Operating much like a self-published author, he did them his way.
 
The movie is called Golgotha, AR and the title leads a person to wonder: Who in their right mind names their movie, Golgotha, AR? J. Buzz, that's who. We assume the name is a tip o' the hat to the 1935 French semi-classic, Golgotha, but maybe not. The French film revolves around the big guy, Jesus Christ. J. Buzzard's flick revolves around zombies. And the zombies are, by and large, the picture's heroes.
 
Like we said, he has an interesting approach to life.

Having conquered the cinematic universe, Jeb then stomped on the throat of the music business, reeling off his very own musical masterpiece, D.I.Y. or Die!!! by Jebediah Buzzard and the Buzztones. The reason we think D.I.Y. is worthy of some attention is two-fold: We like Buzzard's dark, growly voice, and we can't help but be interested in some of the tracks on the CD. We're not saying that Great Googa Mooga, You Gave Me Leprosy or Swamp Whore will start your toes a'tappin' but, you have to admit, the CD offers a fresh sound for your next Halloween party. Plus, Katy Perry won't be doing a cover version of anything on this album. Ever.
 
There's a third reason we've enjoyed J.B.'s company of late. For $5 and a good laugh, he brought our Frankenstein, P.I. theme song to life, country-style. We love what he did, especially at the end. Take a listen below and see if you like it, too.

Complaints, we get complaints...

...and, man, are we happy to get 'em. Because that means there are at least a couple of people reading our work.
 
We're posting Ninjelephant -- to the left -- because studies have shown that more people visit websites that feature fun images. Or cute animals or porn.  We think a sword-welding elephant is fun. Not everyone agrees but those people are wrong. (The mighty Ninjelephant is © or TM or ® or whatever by its creator, Matthew R. Turner.)
 
So who's been complaining at us? The Good Cousin said she was going to work and, absorbed by the silliness of Aly's Luck, missed her stop. So it was our fault she clocked in late that day.
 
The next day, a Beloved Reader contacted us to ask where the sequel was to The Atheist's Daughter. She asked because we'd blogged about starting a sequel over two months ago and she is tired of waiting.
 
Beloved Reader is exactly right, 'cause it's not her fault it takes us six months (and longer) to finish a novel. Knowing we need to pick up our pace and our pages, we looked around to see how it's done. (We really did. Talk about silly.) Luckily, we found a piece in Slate Magazine called "How to Write Faster" by Michael Agger -- here. Read it and you'll find some sage advice that's, truly, not very inspiring. Manage your work space, establish a set writing time, don't doink around with the internet when you should be writing...zzzzzzzzzzz.
 
Plus there's this tip: Maintain low emotional arousal.
 
We're not exactly sure what that means but we refer to it frequently. "How's the writing coming?" "Not so good but all is well. I'm maintaining low emotional arousal." "Have you finished the article?" "The middle bit sucks. I'm struggling." "HAVE YOU MAINTAINED LOW EMOTIONAL AROUSAL?"
 
Agger's article did offer one more piece of wisdom: "S. K. Perry reports that the promise of money has a way of stimulating writerly 'flow.' Amazing!" -- and, personally, we think this S.K. Perry person might be on to something. So, Beloved Reader, give us a hand with our sequel, would you?
 
Send money....

"Whirr! Click! Take me to your leader..."

...says Cousin Eerie at the end of a not-very-good story published in the horror comic magazine, Eerie #45. We feel fairly okay when we insult the story since Harrell is the one who wrote it. Many years ago, when he was not only a teenager but a fairly young teen, at that.

("I thought you said the ground was firm enough for a safe landing, DeHaan! I thought you said --"
"Shut up, you ---! Shut up!" -- RI, Master of Men)
 
All of which comes to mind today because Dark Horse Books has released Eerie Archives Volume 9 ($49.99 retail or $31.14 here -- and, no, Harrell makes not one penny off of the book) and Volume 9 includes the not-very-good RI, Master of Men. Volumes 1 - 8 do NOT contain RI, Master of Men and should, therefore, be considered more worthy of your immediate purchase.
 
(By the way, it turns out the ground was not firm enough for a safe landing, sending the rocket ship into the Moon itself. Yes, I said, INTO the Moon.
 
"You are at the center of our planet...in the center of the "Moon", as you might call it. And we brought you here when your ship broke through our crust" -- RI, Master of Men)
 
You might wonder how a young and inexperienced writer sold an 8-page script to Warren Publications. The answer is easy enough: Harrell had a mentor. He'd started a correspondence with a kind and talented comic book writer and the writer was good enough to send him sample scripts and, later, to critique his work. (He's since tried to contact the writer, without success, so we're holding off on sharing his name for now.) With the successful writer's guidance, a passable script was written and sold. The marvelous Martin Salvador was given the job of drawing the pages and his artwork almost makes the story worth your time.
 
So how does Harrell feel about finding the story in print again as part of an expensive hardcover collection? He's delighted. He hadn't read the story in years, discovered it was just as cheesy as he'd remembered, and he can't wait to share it with his kids. Some day, he hopes, he'll share it with his grandchildren, too.
 
"Hit me, idiot! What difference can it make now? You've doomed us all!" -- RI, Master of Men

Some things are just wrong...

...and here's one of 'em. The blurry little yellow item to your left is a candy Peeps® which is Always in Season per the good folks at Just Born, Inc. This particular treat is a Dipped Marshmallow Peeps®...and, we can't help it, it appears to us that this little goodie has soiled itself.
 
Which isn't to say that one of us didn't munch it up, anyway. We have our standards but, honestly, those standards weaken before such sugary goodness.
 
Which somehow brings us to tomorrow's big movie release. The folks at Disney -- and, as some of you know, we have a tiny history with the folks at Disney -- but, anyway, the folks at Disney have dropped about a quarter of a billion dollars to bring the world its next big movie franchise, John Carter. Which, in its early stages, was called John Carter of Mars.
 
We're hoping the flick is good because we'd like to see it. Both of us read A Princess of Mars years and years ago (you can read it for free, if you'd like, right here) and we remembered the basic storyline. A Confederate Captain during the Civil War, all-around stud John Carter is -- pretty mystically -- transported to Mars. The locals call their planet "Barsoom", their world is dying, and they're somehow not immediately enamored of the tiny Terran who has just popped up to visit. Stud or not. Nonetheless, it's going to fall to John C. to save them all from the big Dirt Nap.
 
Written a hundred years ago, we both thought the story was...well, dated but fun and exciting for what it was and when it originated. Not much on characterization but heavy on the action. So why do we open this post by saying, "Some things are just wrong"? Because half of this team heard about the movie, heard the title, and announced, "I know what we're going to write as our next project."
 
"We already have our next project," said the sensible part of the team.
 
"Our next project," said the less sensible half of Renée Harrell, "is a hot romance with science fiction elements. And we'll call it, Joan Carter of Bars."
 
This was a bad idea. But, wait!, it gets worse.
 
Y'see, in Joan Carter of Bars, a Confederate Army nurse is -- pretty mystically -- transported to modern day Georgia. She arrives in a cheap and disreputable gin mill called Soom's Bar. (No, the storyline is not subtle.) The locals are bitter, their town is dying, and a couple of 'em are hoping to drink away their troubles while engaging in sordid activities with a hired prostitute. Instead of the prostitute, Joan Carter arrives.The barflies are somehow not immediately enamored of the disapproving, oddly-dressed, last century survivor who has just popped in to visit. Nonetheless, it's going to fall to Joan C. to save the town...oh, and find true love.
 
Sanity prevailed and we did not write this book. However, if you or you want to pick up the pen and give it a go, you have our good wishes. Because, truth be told, we'd kinda like to read it....

The first rule of the Fan Club is....

...well, we'll get to that. In the meantime, we're delighted to announce that Aly's Luck is finally in print (here) and also available in e-form (just about everywhere but, if you're Amazon-specific, just go here).
 
If you're in the mood for a space opera that one editor called "a kind of eclectic mix of 'The Stainless Steel Rat', Monty Python, Indiana Jones, Dr. Who and the Bob Hope, Bing Crosby 'Road to...' movies", then this just might be a book for you. The same editor called the story, "hilarious".
 
The esteemed editor in question is Steve Haynes of Proxima Books. If you read and like our novel, know that it's much improved from its original manuscript. Steve helped us with edit after edit, and we will be forever grateful to him. We are among the founding members of the Steve Haynes Fan Club and we encourage you to join our group.
 
(For $25 US, you'll get a copy of Aly's Luck, a certificate of membership, and a button that reads, Yay! Steve Haynes! *Please note: Steve Haynes has no affiliation with the Steve Haynes Fan Club. Although he is a skilled editor and a wonderful person, we fear he may be litigious. The first rule of the Steve Haynes Fan Club? We do not tell Steve Haynes about the Steve Haynes Fan Club. The second rule of the Steve Haynes Fan Club? We DO NOT tell Steve Haynes about the Steve Haynes Fan Club.)
 
If you read and don't like the story, well, that's not Steve's fault. After he'd completed his work, we wrote a new beginning, Renée designed a new cover, and we did still another edit. Finally, today, it's complete.
 
If this is the kind of thing you like, we think you'll like this kind of thing.

Say what you like about the television show, CASTLE...

...but tread lightly when it comes to Ellery Queen and Murder, She Wrote.

Now, don't be a hater. We know both shows went off the air, like, forever ago, and we know late night reruns remain the preferred viewing for those of us with one foot in the coffin (everyone else is on the internet) but, the fact is, we love us the Queen boys and Jessica Fletcher. They're our bedroom companions.

Here's why: When it's time to go to sleep, we don't go easy. There's last minute chores to do, bills to pay and lunches to make and a cat to feed and two dogs to mollify, and life gets busy. Climbing under the sheets, we need something soothing to push us toward Dreamland. Our sleeping pill of choice is gentle, non-involving, crime-solving television shows. Featuring writers as their leads. 'Cause it could happen, right?

(Sleep experts say late night television viewing is a mistake and that the flickering electronic eye keeps people awake. Sleep experts are wrong.)

We started innocently enough with the television series, Ellery Queen. Jim Hutton, ever clever, and David Wayne, ever charming, welcomed us into their world and calmed us. As we watched the first episode, father and son got involved in a mystery and...both of us fell asleep. Confident that they'd catch the killer, that all would end well, we fell sleep within seconds of each other, awakening only to turn off the show, turn off the lights, and snooze away.

It was wonderful. Returning to the last bit of the show that either of us remembered, we spent several nights the episode was over. The same thing happened with the second episode. Each of the hour mysteries lasted for a week or more, the perfect antidote to a too-noisy world. But there was only one season of EQ (damn it!) and we were hooked. So we went looking for another writer-as-mystery-solver show and soon remembered the wonderful Angela Lansbury.

Murder, She Wrote is the amateur detective show for viewers who felt Ellery Queen was a bit too racy. If we occasionally got caught up in an EQ puzzle, as happened once or twice, and we sacrificed one of the show's 22 episodes to our curiosity, we realize this won't happen with MSW. It eases us to slumber without fail and, as we're early in the run, we're delighted to know the show ran for twelve years. And, after series completed its run, Angela still clocked in another four made-for-television movies. With so much of Cabot Cove ahead of us, we're going to sleep easy for decades.

Since both shows feature crime writers, they've taught us a lot about being authors. From EQ, we learned that successful writers are mildly attractive but not distractingly so. We've learned it's okay for forty-something year-old novelists to live with their Dads, always dress in the same clothes (sweaters and deerstalker caps are recurrent choices), and be terribly forgetful... almost get-this-man-a-sitter forgetful...and that wordsmiths can date on occasion but they should never expect to have sex.

Oh, and authors are smarter than cops.

MSW, on the other  hand, tells us that fifty-something year-old widowed writers are mildly attractive but not distractingly so. They should live by themselves, dress in the frumpiest clothes imaginable, be instantly recognizable wherever they go (we think it's the frumpy clothes), and be attractive to the opposite sex, although infrequently, but never engage in sex (again, the choice of clothing may be critical here).

Oh, and authors are smarter than cops.

Which is why you can diss Castle all you'd like. We're not gonna kid you; we like the show and watch it every week. Still, it's clearly a fantasy. Richard Castle is gorgeous, almost distractingly so. He dresses in the latest fashions and he clearly wants to go on a date with his partner, Kate Beckett. She's clearly interested in him, too. If they should ever go out for chips and coffee, there's no doubt they'll be bed-bouncing before the last commercial. On occasion, Castle's crime-fighting partner, Kate, solves a crime before he does.

Even though it's been established that Richard is an author and Kate is a detective. Throwing aside everything that we, as writers, know to be true, they occasionally allow a cop to solve the murder.
 
Talk about hard to believe....

Here's one formula for Best-Sellerdom...

...if, of course, there is even such a word as 'best-sellerdom'. Which there isn't.

The back story: Our lovely daughter, Rachel, writes on occasion and has a real gift for creating sarcastically-skewed fiction that is hilarious. We wish we were as funny. But, not interested in the dogfight known as publication, she only writes when the urge strikes. Most often, she writes fan fiction and she's built a small but steady readership.

Months and months ago, she decided to try something new. Just for the fun of it, she thought bury her sense of humor and aim for the heart of romance fans everywhere – still in her wheelhouse, still in fanfic – just to see what would happen.  Then she hit 'publish'.

Her readership swelled by more than a factor of ten. While her other pieces found a half-hundred viewers, this piece went into the four digits. Even today, it's her most popular work. "I found out I could please an audience if I  wanted," she says, "which is interesting but not as interesting as writing the stuff I like." So she went back to doing her own brand of fiction but not before we asked her to tell us how she'd done what she did.  She shared with us so we can share with you...but she'll want that ten percent commish once the sale is final. (She's kidding. We think.)

These, then, are Rachel's Rules and Regs of Writing a Successful Romance:

Heroine: Pretty, but not stunning.  Average height and build, thin but not anorexic.  Not rich, but not poor.  Intelligent, but not a genius, and witty... but not to the point where it overshadows the hero's wittiness.  Has been in a series of so-so relationships, possibly just got out of one.  Not really looking for a guy.

Hero: Eye-meltingly gorgeous.  Intelligent, charming, seductive.  Tall, maybe 6'2.  Broad shoulders, well-defined arms and abs.  While he's quite muscular and fit, you will never hear or see him doing anything to keep his physique this trim – he is just naturally hot.  Independently wealthy.  Maybe he invested wisely in stocks years ago or he set up a very successful business that he sold for a lot of money, something like that.  His eyes MUST be piercing, and usually blue or green, while his hair is dark, thick and full.  His skin is flawless, as are his teeth.  He is an impeccable dresser.  He's self-assured to the point of cocky, but not obnoxiously so.  He will never brag about how rich he is or how smart and good looking he is... but it is obvious that he is well aware of these things.  He is also well traveled and knowledgeable about the world.  He is dangerous, a bad boy, tough, but with a soft romantic side that comes out occasionally.  He's not afraid to stand up and fight for what is right or the woman he loves (awwwww).

Their relationship: She is the resister, he is the pursuer.  Always.  I mean, rule number freakin' one, practically.  She finds him irresistably gorgeous as does anyone with a pulse, but his dangerous side and his cocky nature leaves her resistant to his charms.  Still, when they cross paths (which will be frequently, but not in a "I want to wear your skin as a suit" kinda way), she can't help but be wildly turned on by him, although she denies it to his face (as he will bring up her obvious attraction to him, and she will deny it – strongly at first, and then as her resolve fades the protest will become weaker and weaker until it finally breaks and they share a passionate kiss, which she will pull away from and later say was a mistake, but the real hot action is soon to follow).  What will finally wear her down is when he saves her.  Because there will be something dangerous, life-threatening most often, that will be shortly down the horizon threatening our heroine.  She CANNOT save herself in this situation, she must be saved by the dashing hero.  This is not the big danger that will serve as a climax to the story, but it will be the danger that sets the ball rolling to her taking her panties off for Mr. Amazing.

The sex: The beginning of the story is all about foreplay.  He wants her, he pursues her, he knows that he will have her.  She resists, although she secretly wants him to throw her down and rip her clothing off.  So at the start, there has to be a ton of sexual tension.  Brushes against the skin, moments where they look at each other with lust and then she forces herself to look away, etc.  Then they will kiss, after he saves her from danger X.  She will be so turned on and it will be the best kiss ever, but she will rip herself away and leave, conflicted by her emotions.  Eventually when they meet up again, it will progress to more... you know what I mean, the dirty-dirty.  The sex will be incredibly hot.  He will be a patient, experienced lover, and the first time they have sex, it will be love-making, and it will be mind-blowing.  He is strong and competent, but not nast-ay.  She will melt in his arms and become a puddle of orgasmic goo.  Basically, our hero is a giver in the sack and expects little in return, other than that our heroine love every second of it.  Ba-bam!

The action: Basically, there are two dangers: little, and big.  Little danger will set the scene so she will fall for our hero, and the reader will get to see his bravery and willingness to put his life on the line for his lady love.  The second danger is the danger that threatens our heroines life in a big way, and will serve as a big plot point to the book (other than the romance).  Our hero will stop at nothing to save her; maybe their meeting was not accidental, and he was sent to save her life for some unknown reason.  At any rate, this big bad will be fought off quite successfully by our hero, who will be devastatingly brave and self-sacrificing and will nearly die while saving her life.  She will be so concerned and crushed at the thought of losing him that she will realise, finally, that she loves him!  Flowers and sparkly puppies, yay!  And he loves her, too.  Big danger defeated, they ride off into the sunset, him making some witty comment and her blissfully happy with her rich, handsome genius.  Game, set, match. 

Now, where's that royalty check?