Vicki Atkinson's Blog, page 27
July 31, 2023
Little One…and Mama
I spied…mama and baby deer this morning and I was shocked by how much “baby” has grown (first pic). The second photo (sorry for the grainy-ness through the screen) was taken just a couple of weeks ago when I wrote about my favorite twosome. Baby’s sweet markings and slight physique were obvious then…less so today.
More than the absence of her baby spots, the little one now looks more like a petite peer-deer and less like a youngster. She looks stronger – almost knocking mama d...
July 30, 2023
Learning from Wise Ones: Three C’s
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
-Viktor Frankl
When people ask me – especially after reading “Surviving Sue” – about my self-preservation secrets and tips for resiliency, I smile. I have no secrets. Just lived experience pointing me toward goodness, despite the chaos that defined parts of my life.
One of the greatest compliments I ever received c...
July 26, 2023
When You Crack Yourself Up: Lisa and Dollar Store Delight
July 25, 2023
Peek Inside: “Surviving Sue” – Writer’s Vulnerability
Gifts come in unexpected wrappers. I doubt she suspected her post would be perceived that way, but when Georgia from the beautiful blog Person on the Page wrote about personal nonfiction a few weeks ago, referencing “Body Work” by Melissa Febos, she bestowed a gift upon me. The whole post was a treat, but Georgia’s concluding words, her last two lines, stick with me, still:
“Don’t shy away from telling your story. Keep writing.”
Writing about my mom in “Surviving Sue” was difficult. The exposure that comes from peeling back the veneer, revealing the murky bits – sometimes seen, often avoided – required courage in the writing but no less bravery now that the book exists with any/all eyes upon her. And me.
For a modest fee, whether purchasing the eBook or the paperback, the mush and madness is available to all. Voyeurs? Some, perhaps. Folks I’ve known in various contexts – professional and personal. The curious? Drawn in by the sub-title hints that “Surviving Sue” will be heavy…sometimes dark. Seldom will the topic of addiction and mental health trigger glimpses of joyousness. 
Some expectation of heft is in the offing. Buyer beware…
Some, I’ve found, want to draw comparisons. Not in a ‘who had it worse’ contest but I get it. Given the broad range of human experiences and the myriad ways in which mental health and substance abuse are intertwined, I think it’s natural – expected, even – to wonder about “Vicki’s story” and how it might compare to hard knocks others have taken.
Some want to sympathize and empathize and offer support, which I love. Others might wonder what they may have done differently, had they lived my life. Either in the living or the telling…especially, perhaps, in response to the vignettes of physical abuse and emotional, mental anguish.
Still other readers are on deck to consider the full arc. The mechanics. The story itself. Now that I’ve read it all, is it a ‘story well-told’? Others have follow-up questions…queries about incidents and people…wondering about bits left unsaid. Questions about relationships and connections that I touched on with brevity…perhaps intentionally? Perhaps not.
All the input – all the feedback – is wondrous, prompting on-going reflection. I realize I’ve had loads of time to consider, relive, lament, and occasionally hide from the shadowy bits of my life with Sue. I think of it this way. When we’re in a dark theatre, our eyes adjust. It might take a few minutes but that first rush of ‘whoa’, I need to find my footing, lest I lose my popcorn, is startling.
We tread lightly in the darkness – on the lookout for obstacles and potential collisions because we’re thrown off. Before long, our eyes adjust and cat-like, we see everything we need to. But those first few moments? They can be scary.
Maybe the feeling is more akin to a wild ride at a theme park. You know it’s gonna be intense when you climb, climb, climb – in the dark – reaching an apex with no sense of what might come next. A big drop off, a quick and gravity-defying twist? You don’t know for sure, so you bear down. Just a little. All because the absence of light told you to buckle up and prepare. Something’s coming.
Reading about Sue? It might be analogous to dark theaters, scary rollercoasters. But I’ve been in and out of that same movie. I was there when it was filmed. No surprises. I can handle the dimness. Same for the unpredictable, black-out rollercoaster rides…tunnels to nowhere. I know when and where the bottom falls out and when to pitch to the left…and then the right. I know the ride. Which brings me to this…my all-time favorite line, stolen from Shakespeare’s Macbeth but lovingly adopted by Ray Bradbury:
“By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”
Advantage? Vicki. I’ve seen the wickedness and knew…the source. As readers wind their way into “Surviving Sue” they might be unprepared as the story unfolds. More than anything to readers new and those who’ve taken the trip already? Thank you. Thank you so much for trusting me – even though you have no particular reason to do so.
Thank you for the lovely reviews here on the “Surviving Sue” page and on Amazon. Writing this story…writing about family…is hard. Reading? It might be difficult, too, but I hope the resiliency threads will help guide you through. They’re an important part of my story; how I found the light and maintained my sense of self with wholehearted gratitude.
I’m still reading…and re-reading Georgia’s recommended book by Melissa Febos. There are touchstone nuggets throughout that speak to me. None more so than this:
“We are telling the stories that no one else can tell, and we are giving this proof of our survival to each other.” (p. 27)
With gratitude and love,
Vicki 
July 24, 2023
Getting Out of My Way
The notion of getting out of my own way is nothing new, but when applied to writing, there’s an extra reveal. A greater depth of understanding about how maddening I can be…to me.
I put a project on the shelf about a year ago, just when things were coming together, publishing-wise, about “Surviving Sue”. For a bit, I thought I could juggle both, but I realized quickly that I’m a lousy circus act (no smirking – I see a couple of you smirking). The manuscript that’s been collecting dust is a fiction piece…with teeny tiny threads connecting to aspects of my childhood.
Plenty of folks have asked me recently about how I ‘survived Sue’ (my mom). There’s no single answer, of course, but I can share glimpses of resilience through an alter-ego persona. A young girl who shares many of my traits and quirks against the backdrop of the early 70’s.
A little YA (young adult) fiction? Yes, I think so. A little sci-fi and surreal? Yes, that too. As I sit back and consider the worthiness of the 17,000 words I’ve written, I’m at a crossroads. One I know many others have faced. I see three options, maybe four:
Do I peek into the project that held my attention long enough to pen several chapters, deploying a casual mindset…like a first date: I care, I don’t care. Meh.Do I discard with impunity…more than sidelining but disregarding it altogether? Disavowing any knowledge. You’re dead to me, you unworthy manuscript, you. Or (and you knew this was coming): Do I pick it up again, embrace it and motor forward. Find the mojo and the magic that propelled me months ago. Kick the tires, see if she’s still got some gas in the tank. Sigh. But wait. Maybe there’s one more option!I could crowd source my decision. Send the draft to my beta-reading friends to seek their input. But if I’m honest, I can predict what most will say. Even though it was months ago…months that have the magnitude of a year. Maybe more? I’ll hear it’s readable…it’s worthy and intriguing with a dose of humor. For fans of the 70’s (hello, Barbie movie) there’s a good bit of mod-flower-power imagery, too. Vicki au courant and trendy!Here’s the issue. I need to confront myself. No dilly-dally-dancing and debating. If I can find the nerve, I already have the answer. Ray Bradbury provided it long ago when I first encountered his wisdom about writers and intuition. Yes, I imagine he’s speaking directly to me as he says:
Your intuition knows what to write, so get out of the way.
Ray Bradbury
Because I’m me, I add another line. Just from Ray to me, making sure I get his point:
Write it. Don’t write it. But decide.
Imaginary Ray Speaking to Vicki
Am I the only one who has imaginary conversations with muses and guides? Tell me I’m not.
For today, I’m going to embrace Ray’s wisdom and dive in. I think a cold read will reveal all, so I’m gonna summon my courage and resolve.
If you don’t hear from me for a few days (joking!) it’s because my intuition swept me out to sea. Maybe mercifully as I say goodbye to a ‘darling’ or because I caught a wave and got out of my own way, prompting me to write, write, write.
If you’ve got wisdom to share, I’m all ears. Thanks so much!
Vicki 
July 23, 2023
Economy of Words
I wanted to title this post “For the Love of Joe” but in my effort to convey how and why this piece is a companion to my Heart of the Matter post this morning, I decided “Economy of Words” was a better title. You’ll see why as you read, but as you do so, would you keep love in mind? It’s really the headline here.
My father-in-law Joe was a great guy. Yep – he was a fisherman. Snipped in above is our all-time favorite pic of him – proudly displaying his catch in Alaska many years ago. He passed away in 1999 but this giant portrait hangs in hubby’s office to help us remember Joe well.
Joe was thoughtful and kind to a fault. He and my mom-in-law Maxine were gracious despite the crazy family (mine) their son married into. Every now and then, a remembrance of Joe will pop to mind. He was famous for his snappy one-liners, always indicative of the fact that he observed plenty but felt compelled to share only bits of what he thought. He’d have a twinkle in his eye, often, that conveyed a whole host of info, but his words? Chosen with an economy-minded purpose. Never quantity.
If you’ve followed along about my mom and my book “Surviving Sue” you might have the accurate impression that my mom was – even on her best behavior days – something of a human tornado. She could be gregarious and fun, but her over-the-top antics were eye-popping to my in-laws. Especially Joe. Maxine knew how to navigate around Sue from the get-go. When Sue would get revved up, Maxine’s protective GPS would engage, and she’d retreat…to the bathroom…or any other room. Just to catch her breath. I figured that out eventually. Magical Maxine and her quick disappearing acts. But Joe? He’d sit tight and take it all in.
The hubster and I had been married for a year or two when Maxine and Joe graciously hosted a barbeque when my parents were in town (sister Lisa, too). Joe was at the grill and Sue was futzing around making a menace of herself. Loud. Bold. Annoying.
Those were the outward behaviors. Sue’s interior? By then I knew how to read her insecurity flares. Paul’s parents were educated and well-mannered. Not the down-home barstool-loving, dirty joking telling folks that were typically Sue’s “people”.
Joe didn’t need to understand the underbelly of Sue’s swirl; he saw the nervousness and rather than express annoyance, he put her to work. Before I knew it, Sue was wearing Joe’s chef’s hat and bbq apron with grill tongs in hand. Smarty pants Joe was in his favorite chaise lounge, chilling and relaxing.
In one brilliant move, Joe wrangled Sue, giving her a job to do – which relieved her pent-up nervousness, while simultaneously giving himself a break. I smiled, marveling at his insight just as he crooked his finger, motioning me over to him. He gave me a kiss on the cheek first and then whispered, “Your mom needed a job to do or she was going to drive us all nuts. Love ya, girl.”
I learned a lesson that day. Joe knew Sue’s anxiety needed to be channeled, without judgment, chit-chat or ridicule. Even today when I feel provoked and want to spew aggression and frustration, I remember Joe’s ease and ability to address a problem without a verbal dust-up. Economy of words. And purpose. All deployed without fanfare. Just kindness. Well…that and self-preservation goals, I suppose.
And you might be wondering…how were the steaks? Not great…but plenty of A-1 sauce helped and no one complained.
Vicki 
July 22, 2023
The Concert That Never Was…
My parents, Sue and Sonny, adored Tony Bennett and during the time they lived near San Francisco, they’d make a point of attending one of his concerts every year – often around Christmas or New Year’s Eve as a way to celebrate their birthdays and holidays all rolled into one.
In 1989, the concert date fell on Sue’s birthday – well, mine as well, but that’s not the point. My dad planned for an extra special evening – dinner and then “the show” at the Fairmont’s Venetian Room. So perfect…or so they hoped.
With the news yesterday of Tony Bennett’s passing, my sweet sister Lisa was all a dither in time-travel mode. Lisa recalled the fateful 1989 concert – not because she was there. No, she was at home with her friend Rick and his mom. Rick was intellectually and physically disabled like Lisa, and they were best friends. His mom Sandy was a trooper and bonded with Sue over the shared concerns about their adult children with disabilities, while rising above Sue’s antics. Sandy and Rick loved hanging out with Lisa when a “big night out” kept Sue and Sonny out a little later than normal.
Lisa had all the details in her head and heart, ready to share with me during our evening phone call last night. “Vicki, do you remember…” followed by a rich rewind about the craziness of “the concert that never was”. If you’d asked me, I might’ve remembered some of the nuggets Lisa recalled, but it wasn’t until she used the phrase “the concert that never was” that I sighed…and laughed. Oh yes. THAT concert.
For Lisa, Tony Bennett’s passing opened up a portal to December 28, 1989, and I was along for the ride. First, she regaled me with the line-up of treats that she, Rick and Sandy enjoyed that night. It was a pizza feast and Lisa shared all of those bits and details with a freshness that still astounds me. Her super skill. Rick and Sandy planned to sleep over, so it was a pizza party/pajama party. Who needed Tony Bennett?
As Lisa continued, I began to recall some of the details about the ill-fated concert. Lisa’s recall roundup moved at a blistering pace…she was breathless and excited by the fun memory. Escapades with our parents weren’t uncommon and Lisa enjoys reliving the fun times, so I roll along with her.
Our parents were late…so late…that they couldn’t be seated for the concert. They’d left the restaurant in plenty of time to get to the Fairmont, but they encountered homeless folks en route and lost track of time. Dressed up for a big night out, I suspect both Sue and Sonny felt an extra dose of shame…given their poverty roots…as they sauntered through the city to the Fairmont. Never content to pass by those in need, they stopped and chatted and then hopped into a nearby diner to order sandwiches for their new acquaintances. Quick like – because they had every intention of hustling to see Tony.
Lisa remembers all of this because Sue and Sonny arrived home early. Not because they’d had an argument (we’d seen plenty of that – Lisa and I both). Nope. They were in joyous moods having picked up a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken on the way home, rolling in, kicking off their fancy shoes, giggling about the best concert they’d never seen.
By the time they got to the venue, the concert was in full swing, and they couldn’t be seated. (Well, there were two versions…one where Sue was “lobbying” to be seated which meant she was creating a scene and another version where dad said they just decided to head home. I suspect the first version was true, knowing my mother.)
Lisa was teary remembering that night as if it happened just a day or so ago. I love that about her. Despite her challenges and mixed-up memories, Lisa’s ability to retrieve moments of laughter and love are a delight. Lisa will never forget it…her love of San Francisco, Tony’s most famous song and an ill-fated concert. In many ways Lisa’s heart will always be in San Francisco, remembering good times with our parents long gone.
Vicki (and Lisa!)
Tony Bennett at the opening of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas in 1966.
Las Vegas News Bureau, via European Pressphoto Agency
July 19, 2023
Peek Inside: “Surviving Sue” – eBook Arrival!
Thank you to those who’ve been asking about the eBook version of “Surviving Sue”. It’s available now, on Amazon.
If you’re interested in purchasing the book…as a book…you can do so through my publisher: Surviving Sue | Eckhartz Press.
Reviews and comments are welcome, welcome, welcome! Please visit the “Surviving Sue” page here to drop your thoughts or do so on the Amazon page. I understand reviews post v-e-r-y slowly on Amazon. Sorry about that. (Oh — “Surviving Sue” will also be on Goodreads soon!)
I am thrilled by the interest in my mom’s story. Believing in the power of personal narratives and the memoir genre, I’ll continue to provide inside info about the ways in which I built resiliency and navigated the challenges – in posts to come.
One of my secret weapons in surviving Sue…no, not the book…but the lived experience? Being married to my best friend. Thank you for the kind observations many of you have made about “the hubster” (Paul) as you’ve read the book. We married when I was just nineteen and while I’m not sure he knew what he was getting in the deal…becoming a member of my crazy family… he never wavered as life with Sue unfolded.
Here’s a pic I didn’t include in the book. Paul and I kicking up our heels at our wedding reception…all sweaty and joyous…building a solid foundation for the future. Love, patience, kindness. On August 15, we’ll celebrate our 42nd anniversary. How…is…that…possible?
Book launches, signing parties – they’re wonderful – but feedback from readers is the best. Keep reading, keep asking questions. Grateful for your support.
Hugs…big hugs,
Vicki
July 16, 2023
Peek Inside: “Surviving Sue” – Launch Party
Book signings, launch parties. Fun stuff! Now that I’ve crossed that threshold, “Surviving Sue” is officially in the world. The opportunity to celebrate with friends and family was wonderful and overwhelming. Join me as I share a few photos and insider info.
The Venue Matters: The launch party location couldn’t have been more perfect. Known as “Barrington’s White House”, the 1898 Classical Revival mansion has been painstakingly restored to its former glory as a venue for celebrations...
Peek Inside: Surviving Sue – Launch Party
Book signings, launch parties. Fun stuff! Now that I’ve crossed that threshold, “Surviving Sue” is officially in the world. The opportunity to celebrate with friends and family was wonderful and overwhelming. Join me as I share a few photos and insider info.
The Venue Matters: The launch party location couldn’t have been more perfect. Known as “Barrington’s White House”, the 1898 Classical Revival mansion has been painstakingly restored to its former glory as a venue for celebrations of all sorts. Thank you to my dear friend Laura for all of her advice and wisdom about the venue…and everything else.
Fun fact? I was a frequent visitor to the house when I was a punky high school student. The house fell into disrepair and the ramshackle shell that remained was subdivided into small businesses, one of which was a Xerox copy center that I frequented often. Late assignments and all…in the pre-digital age when actual hard copies of everything were required. Including homework. Thanks to community-minded preservationists, the old girl was lovingly restored a few years ago. This week I stood in the corner of the foyer several times and I swear I caught a glimpse of my sixteen-year-old self, reflected in the old lead glass.
The People Matter: My terrific publisher and his lovely wife attended. What I didn’t know until a few weeks ago? We have mutual, longtime friends. (I’m talking 30+ years). Chit-chatting about my book with my friend Irene, she casually noticed the name of the publisher on my book. “Wait, wait, wait!” she screamed. “Your publisher is ‘Rick’? Like – our friend Rick?” Life is not random. There are layers there that could commandeer this entire post, so I’m moving on. Here are a couple of photos from the signing table. Meet my author friend, Bruce, publisher Rick and one of our guests, Tammy:
Friends who love you will text you on your big day to send encouragement and it wasn’t an idle remark when they say they’d be there if they could. I felt it. My phone was chirpy all day as I received text messages and calls from dear ones who’ve been important parts of my life and are proud of me. I loved every single outreach. Friends who are family…mostly chosen family in my case… show up with bells on. Dear friends who know me and love me anyway…opening doors, providing support, reminding me that my book is worthy, impactful. I had a circle of smart men and women around me doing just that…in the planning stages and during the event itself.
Friends who drive hours and hours just to attend…just to offer an embrace and a whisper, “I always knew you could do this.” 
Friends who realize you forgot to sign their copy of “Surviving Sue” and request drive up service. A new-fangled book signing method? Pancake house parking lots! Why not!? 
Magic Moments…when our daughter said she also wanted to speak at the event, to talk about the importance of “Surviving Sue” as a tool for intergenerational healing, I was nervous. I’d already packed a box of tissues to have on hand, just in case. Between her remarks and the loving goodness from my dear ones Laura and Linda? Sucking back tears isn’t one of my talents and I ought to learn how not to contort my face in public. Thank goodness for the hubster (Paul) and ‘dear daughter’ (Delaney). Aren’t they adorable?
Food and Fellowship Matter. Although I was too busy and anxious to eat, the caterers were amazing. Food and friendliness galore. Even better? I had beautiful encounters with catering staff members who also bought books. “Your story touched me as you spoke. My family has challenges, too. I can’t wait to read.” Micro-bursts of meaningful conversations unfolded as I signed books and wished readers well. Overwhelmed by the interest and connections we humans make as we forge bonds over shared experiences.
The afterglow is real. Thank you for your continued interest, for reading and for sharing reviews and comments (on the “Surviving Sue” page). I’ll have some good news to share soon about the eBook, so watch for that.
Vicki
P.S. My post on Heart of the Matter this morning is all about an empathy moment that followed the festivities...a reminder about simple, everyday goodness and the importance of caring for one another.
